What is "narcissistic amnesia"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) 

I have to watch videos like these often to remind myself that what I experienced was REAL and i'm NOT INSANE.

There is also reverse amnesia....they also conveniently don't remember the good things you do for them.

My favorite statement from my ex narc was 'I never said/did that' literally within seconds or minutes of him saying or doing it. True craziness...

The tree remembers. The axe forgets

They also seem to remember the tiniest detail of every slight anyone has ever done to them too

If you remind the narc of something they did in the past to hurt you, you will see recognition in their face, also panic. Then they immediately twist it around and say something you did to them. It's always ten times worse than what they did to you. Then that is what gets focused on and your initial point is lost. You're not allowed to be mad or grieve over their past treatment of you.

They forget everything you've done FOR THEM, IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.

They also remember perfectly any time you have hurt them.

This was one of the most validating twenty minutes of my life.

My narc never remebered his bad actions but he would remember every “mean” thing I did to him and point it out anytime he could.

The narcissist in my life would totally deny every horrific shitty thing she’s ever done to me, to our relationship, to our family and then turned it around and blamed me for everything. They have no accountability, responsibility nor are able to understand the consequences of their actions . That forgetfulness is a lie. They know exactly what they’ve done but have created a false reality world and are under a state of psychosis that burries their bad behavior and further continues the cycle of abuse . Because the moment they are forced to acknowledge the truth , recall and admit to these forgetful events , it shatters their fake world perception and then they realize they are the monster

when it happens with my mom, she goes full beast mode and starts yelling at me "Liar! Liar!". She's being doing this my whole life. Imagine being a 10 year old child and having to experience that...

My husband responds with “stop digging up the past” and then rationalizes and justifies the abuse. But, of course, he remembers everything he thinks anyone ever did to him all the way back to childhood.

They make you feel like you’re the crazy one.

Yes narcisssists tell others to forgive, forget, or 'it never happened.'. Even with witnesses, they will stand firm with amnesia.

“When you bring these things up you’re considered petty, as someone who cannot stop dwelling in the past, as someone who cannot let go” THANK YOU DR.RAMANI for finally bringing this up I’m so tired of people telling me to let go of the abuse and trauma I’ve faced for years. It feels so invalidating.

My mom’s favorite line is “I never said that.” Then after going back through the details of the story she will blame it on me while still denying that she said it.

I hate it when he can NEVER remember putting his hands on me, hurting me, making physical threats against my life & threaten to burn my house down...threatened to bury me or pulling a knife on me...he NEVER remembered doing any of that

My mom perfected this amnesia to perfection. When I called her out she played the victim.

The narcissist will say "I never said that" "oh that's nothing" or change the subject when you are trying to hold them accountable for their behavior or pretend not to know what you're talking about.

This really made me realize that I’m not crazy and I feel lighter after watching this. My mother did this to me my whole life and now I think I can take the steps towards healing my mind, thank you.

The amnesia can also work in reverse! Countless times I’ve pushed down or “ forgotten” their bad behavior and hurtful words, because i desperately wanted them to be the good and loving person i had created in my mind. These ppl are truly an illusion-filled with traits and qualities we WANT them to have, but sadly never will.

My mom “forgot” about how she made me walk outside, wet and bloody and crying in our neighborhood (14) and I had to wait in front of the front door until she opened it. She said: I don’t remember that happening. She also told me I left, and wasn’t kicked out, and said I didn’t tell you to get out of my house, I told you go away, as in ‘get away from me right now’. I was floored when she said this! I had gotten home late from work and was washing my face and she started banging at the door and yelling at me about wasting water (not unusual behavior) but I told her I would pay for it I was just washing my face, I’ll pay for the bill. This is not what she wanted to hear, obviously, but I was tired and not up for playing the game. Anyway, she told me to get out of her house. Started screaming at me to leave. And I did. And didn’t talk to her for months. Now, years later, she is saying I left on my own!! And that she got mad because I was screaming at her through her door! And then that I just refused to talk to her. It’s insane! Not to mention I have family who remembers her saying she didn’t think I would actually leave. So... lol I just felt like I was going crazy when she was telling her version. Like no mom you kicked me out because I spoke up for myself when you were screaming at me for washing my face. I will not let you rewrite that. It’s so infuriating and makes me feel nuts. She doesn’t “remember” anything! And then what she does remember, she twists to make it about me or tells me it doesn’t matter and I need to stop bringing it up.

“It can also play on a sense of guilt ...” OMG YES!!! I still struggle with a “guilt” reaction with certain behaviors and actions when dealing with narcissists. I have to literally play back a situation over and over to make sure I wasn’t the one in the wrong ... it’s so messed up!

When I confronted my mother about how she abused me during childhood and how invalidated it made me felt, she said she didn't remember. That was the trigger to cut her from my life. I wrote her that she was still the same invalidating person, that she will always be responsible of what she did to me in my childhood, that I succeed in life thanks to myself and despite her mistreatment, that forgave her because I want to live peacefully and that she did that from a place of pain and that I wanted her out of my life. It was the saddest and most empowering moment of my life.

"Why can't you let it go" "You are such a drama queen"" Why do you always want people to keep thinking about you and your problems "" You are so selfish " Anytime you try to remind them about their nasty words and how they hurt you.. This is how they treat you by guilt tripping you a Nd we give in each time trusting them rather than us. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I am getting closer each day with your videos.

Dr. Ramani understands Narcissism to such an extent, the depth of her compassion & understanding regarding the subject- ESPECIALLY on this topic makes me cry! I swore I was the only one who endured this. God bless you channel!

Yup, they can remember every single detail of their glory days or achievements, but forget a conversation or request they had that morning about the needs of others. They are such jerks, it is best to avoid them at all costs.

“oh it wasn’t THAT bad, you overreacted.”

It got to the point that when her calls showed on caller ID. I began recording them. The proof was undeniable. The rage, the blaming, her disappointment over literally nothing would build her into a narcissistic rage. How bad is it to begin recording your own mother? Really really bad!

I'm in a relationship with a narcissist for 11 years now. I came to a point where I literally recorded our conversations so I could go back and listen to what he said because when I call him out, he always says "I never said that", "that's not what I meant" or "if it ever happened, it's just your perception". Made me question my own sanity for more than a decade. It's so draining that I lost my will to talk to him. We have a child together and he is working overseas. I'm saving up and working my way out. Thank you Doctor Ramani.

“Well I couldn’t have treated you THAT bad ........ you wouldn’t still be here if I had “ 🧐

Funny, "narcissistic amnesia." Dead on. Everyone that I've deemed narcissists in my past have 2 things glaringly in common: 1) They can't and wont apologize for anything ever. 2) The have very convenient memory and lapses of memory.

I love when my husband talks to other people about all the places he’s took me and my family to but forgets all the arguing and rage getting there

I think they remember: the good, the bad, and the ugly. They're just saying they don't remember in order to get them out of trouble.

It's a double whammy when the narcissist twists the story and puts words in your mouth that you've never said, then they could say the same about you that YOU are the one denying having said things that honestly did not happen.

A favorite thing the narcissist says is "Some people love to re-invent their past". That is a stab in the heart for the victim.

When my ex cheated on me he acted like it didn’t happen and then when he finally conveniently remembered it happening he said “I suppose I had a slip of judgement”. Every day without him is brighter and better

Narcissists' "minds are like a trophy case for the few good things they did." This simile wins the internet.

I could write a book on the amount of things forgotten during my relationship. By the end I was very confused about what happened and when. Someone put them all on an island together please.

Thanks so much for this, Dr.Ramani! I'm always painfully puzzled when my narc husband after doing something bad to me, not even apologizing, or just not following his words, be irresponsible was saying "I don't remember bad things, I concentrate on positives, not like you, always in negativity". This used to leave me speechless. It is clear that they lack morality and conscience.

When I've found myself in difficult relationships, I start journaling. It started during my divorce for legal purposes. It keeps me sane. I'll go years without having to journal, but when there is an upsetting pattern at work or with family - I write and date everything.

I think there is also the piece that the narcissist has an impeccable memory for perceived slights or wrongs against them but is unable to recall any offense they caused.

My feelings were definitely invalidated when he would never acknowledge anything he did that violated our marriage. He never admitted or apologized to anything. When I was finally on my way out and he attempted to “save our marriage” his words were, “it wasn’t that bad was it?” I reminded him, it wasn’t that bad for “you” since I’ve never done to you what you have done to me.

You: "You did/said this on day X month Y, and I felt hurt by that." Genuine memory-loss: "I did that? Gosh, I apologize. I didn't remember it, but now that you say it, I'll try to keep that in mind. Feel free to point it out to me if it happens again." Narcissistic amnesia: "NO I DIDN'T! I NEVER DID THAT! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH THINGS!"

What about the amnesia that the victim experiences just to cope with the narcissist in an abusive relationship.

"Never discredit your gut instinct. You are not paranoid. Your body can pick up on bad vibrations. If something deep inside of you says something is not right about a person or situation, trust it." Keanu Reeves

My mother forgets most bad things her and my father did or twists it to my fault or im over reacting and remembering it wrong... both parents have a history of assault and physical abuse but ended up making up a bullshit story that i attacked my pregnant sister and told many other family members(i saw my father abuse my pregnant mother many times!).. i am pretty much no contact now and after nearly 40 years of mental and physical abuse i am so happy... it can be done.. i am proof... stay strong 🙏🏻

I call it selective amnesia. They select what they want to remember

In my experience, I literally thought the narcissist had a brain disorder, given the selective amnesia on devastating behaviours. But with time, and perfect recall of their stellar deeds - I saw right through! This video totally validates this experience. Thank you Dr. Ramani !!

This is my mother. EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT THIS IS TRUE. I finally went no contact 3 years ago due mainly to this issue. What's worse is not only do they not remember their bad behavior, they then invalidate and slander you for bringing it up. So sick.

Dr. You just saved me from becoming a maddening house within my head!

The event they forget can be as little as an hour in the past.

Yes, thank you! They’ll selectively forget things that you tell them but can’t remember when you bring them up but they remember ever single thing you do and/or say and pick you apart.

"those who can not remember the past are condemned to repeat it" This is great!

Oh, Dr. Ramini if this information had been available decades ago, the trajectory of my life would have been different. My parents used my adolescence as a cover for their abuse. And their "amnesia" almost drove me out of my mind. Thank you for this precious gift of knowledge and the compassionate way you are delivering to us.

4:48 They definitely know what they did. You see it in their "I got caught"-reaction if you call them out for it.

I really have a hard time buying that the narcissist 'forgets' the crap they pull. It is waaaaay too convenient an excuse for them to use to get out of being held responsible for the horrific things they do to people without batting an eye. No matter who the narc is in your life, if they pull this garbage, get and stay as far away from them as you can. It's for your own sanity! They will not change!

My ex: "I never said that."

My narcs favorite is "IF" i did that I'm sorry. Knowing flat out they said and did something heinous.

"You have stepped into the Twilight Zone". That's how I described my life for years! I felt that way until I started researching narcissistic behavior. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

You just changed my life forever. You have given me the tools to know what is happening and more importantly the why. It's not me, I am not insane and my life experiences are valid.

"you called me a shitty mom!" "yeah, do you know why?" "no. and I don't want to know" that was the validation I didn't know I was looking for so I could distance myself from her. Thanks for your video, my father and I find your videos incredibly helpful and validating with what happened when we lived with my mother.

Ahhhhh, that's why they never learn, never change. Normal people take their mistakes or experiences as opportunities to learn and grow.

Going through this right now. He can remember old music lyrics, but not what was said and done. “I don’t remember” is an almost daily statement. I have been practicing gray stoning and now he is gas lighting. Now that I am aware from your videos, the issues as so apparent to me.

In one of your great videos you said "when you feel that you have to record your discussions with someone in order to prove that they actually said or did something, run away ". Well, that was a key phrase and the WOW moment that hepled me realise I was involved with a narc and I decided to get out! I watch the videos and feel that somehow "you had been watching us" Thanks! You have been so much help!

They forget about the boundaries you talked about

"remembering the good things they did for you with supercomputer precision" 😂 😭

Brilliant video! Their level of denial is so overwhelming Their selective memory can inflict so much confusion for survivors It's downright lethal!

I literally busted out laughing when she said “they will remember everything they did for you with the precision of a super computer.” Haha, oh yes. And will say they de-selfed to make you happy and did everything for you. Thinking about what they did “to me” vs “for me” makes me livid. Because it’s just more freaking gaslighting. 👊🏻

My narcissistic mother "forgot" that for most of my childhood she didn't even provide me with a bed. I don't think she could have really forgotten such a thing, but on some level she realizes she was wrong so won't admit to it.

A classic from my ex when I pointed out his lies: He would say that I must’ve misunderstood what he said. Wow!

I was only in my relationship for 3 months. I can't imagine where my head would be if I was in any longer. 3 months was long enough to do a number on me. This was a lesson for me to make necessary improvements. Maybe I needed these improvements to be able to move on to the next level in life. I know God has my back ❤

Thanks for another great video Dr. Ramani! Every time I watch one of your videos it reminds me to stay away from my narcissist and not keep succumbing to the hoovering, gaslighting, magic tricks, amnesia etc... I was so deep in with my narcissist that I was "trained" to make excuses for them and blame myself. It's a tough situation especially when we blame ourselves and start to think we are the problem and we don't hold the narcissist accountable for their behavior. I literally started going crazy from the endless roller coaster I was on with my narc. Your videos have helped so much. I finally am starting to get to a place of healing and slowly taking my power back. Thank you so much for your help 🙏🏽

Thank you for this! I am born into a family of narcissists and can remember both my sibling and parent playing this game with me. As a child, it left me with all the feelings Dr. Ramani described. While they haven't changed, I have. Dr. Ramani nailed it - the best defense is to be defiant in holding onto your reality. Expect the narcissist NOT to take responsibility when confronting. State your boundaries and then Grey Rock. Above all, continue to love yourself. The narcissist is your life doesn't deserve you. Take back your power!

I remember when I first found out about gaslighting, I realized that I was being gaslighted by my now ex girlfriend. And I thought hey... How do I tell her about it... And then I realized the only way she would respond would be by turning it on me and telling me I'm the one doing the gaslighting... Gaslighting me with the very concept of Gaslight... So I kept my mouth shut and thank goodness I did. Eventually I got out

They also choose to “forget” just certain conversations they had with you, things they brought up they want to do, sometimes how they said they would do this or that, or get you this or that. They almost use it as a gaslighting technique, and make you feel like you are going crazy. “I never said that I liked hanging out with them.”, “ I never told them that about you, or I never said they told me that.” It’s never ending and I’m so happy I’m out of it, well mostly.

It's getting more clear, selective amnesia. Conveniently they forget only about the bad stuff they have done. And even if you remind them in writing they would just dismiss it, and if they cannot deny they would say you're oversensitive, overreacting, have an emotional problem or even blame you for making them say or do things. Never take responsibility but would be quick to judge others or even ret angry for things they impute you....." thought". After all you started the relationship as soulmates, so they can read your mind....

Moreover,their amnesia works great when they remember every good things they have done to you,not bad things.They forget your good contributions and remember bad things.I am damn sure everyone has seen it.

These videos are keeping me sane. ..I pause to try to express how grateful I am. Words fail me. Hopelessness, confusion, and dread, and all that goes with them become transformed into possibility, knowledge, and the will to act; a plan of action, and.. tearful relief. Thank you.

I've noticed that the narcissists flying monkeys also share this selective amnesia for the narcissists bad Acts

“The narcissistic glossary, the series that’s never going to end” 😭

Dr. Ranani...thank you explaining this. Today was another day of narcissistic amnesia with my sister. This video saved my sanity today. You are amazing and truly are helping this community of sufferers of this kind of abuse. Thus is so helpful !!

My favorite... "I got past that a long time ago..."

In my experience, amnesia is one of many convenient tricks they pull out of their magic/invisible hats to challenge your reality and sanity. Thx Dr. R.

Conveniently forgets all the things that make hi look badly but remembers every tiny detail of the bad things I’ve done- my head is spinning every time.

My mother's favourite phrase is "I don't remember", followed closely by "are you sure?".. and if they don't work, like in the case of hard proof, she can't be held responsible. She can't be responsible for her horrible energy and projecting it onto others, can't be responsible for manipulating people.. she's not bound by the normal rules of engagement whatsoever. Yes when I talk about childhood she says that's a long time ago, but I keep telling her how she's being abusive to this very day, and she "can't help it" or I'm being silly. She then recruits people to try to gaslight me on her behalf. It's just astonishing that she's not even aware that I've rumbled her 100%... the delusion is incredibly strong. My Dad isn't even a true narc, and I see him doing something wrong, and I ask him if he just did that, and he says he didn't. He "forgets" it before he's even done it. Amazing. I actually used to think that they were strong people! Children of these people should be identified and given special help, because they sure fucking need it.

Narcissism life hack: drink til you blackout and you will never even know about the bad things you do and you can blame it on the alcohol

I get so upset to think of all the years I tried to make someone else feel better when they were doing this to me, and hearing it put so plainly it's shocking how accurate it is. Here I was thinking I was going mad and I was the bad guy. It's crazy how they can play with your mind.

I thought this was about the "amnesia" I seem to get during the hoovering phase... Why do I FORGET somehow all the horrible shit they put me through?

The narcissist in my life conveniently forgot everything about his own terrible behavior. But had an excellent memory for every tiny little thing that was supposedly done to him (very, very large toes, made it impossible not to step on them)

You are the best! Thank you for sharing yourself unselfishly! When you do your life review, you will see all the souls you helped, including me!

Selective amnesia! It only works in the narcissist favor. You are left with all the emotional pain. Get away from the narcissist and stay away!!!

I don't believe for a second that they don't remember the bad things that they did. It's a convenient 'amnesia' and completely invalidating. They just don't want to have any accountability for their deplorable behaviors. I deal with this with my mother all the time. She "forgets" all the horrible things she said but she can recite to me word for word what I said to her during the same conversation.

I haven’t even watched yet and here is another box to tick! I moved in with my bf 3 yrs ago and last year i set my hand weights on his garage shelf after walking. He sustained a narc injury from that and came unglued! I never did it again. YESTERDAY he asked me why i always bring them inside instead of leaving them in garage. I sales “Are you kidding me? You completely blew up last year when i put them in the garage!!” He said that was the stupidest thing he’s ever heard and it never happened. I was like YOU’RE RIGHT! I couldn’t believe how you completely lost it! He denied ever doing such a crazy thing AS IF I WERE GAS LIGHTING HIM because of the ridiculousness of it all!!!

Hubby and I took in my Narc step-dad and Flying Monkey mother when they were evicted (landlord had enough of the Narc rage, but they're the "victims"). After a year and a half of empty promises, them controlling our space and several episodes of Narc rage, we had enough and stood up for ourselves. Step-dad didn't like it and elected to leave, while telling the whole family that we kicked them out (among many, MANY other lies). We don't defend ourselves, we know the truth (and have video evidence of his behaviour) and that's good enough for us. If the family members that *should* know us have already made up their minds about us based on the Narc's version of events, then they can have each other and leave us be! Thank you Dr Ramani for your insightful videos and keep them coming! They've been a great comfort to us, and I'm sure to many others as well.

My sister has narcissistic amnesia in spades and has my whole life A remarkable memory for anything done TO her, but will conveniently forget anything ever done FOR her or BY her I have long since given up on ever calling her out on any of her BS, because it's just frustrating and pointless, especially when she turns it around on me

Watched this and I was just shaking my head, wow, I thought I was going crazy whenever I tried to confront them about the past, they always want to say: that's not how things happened or, come on get over it, or that never happened! How convenient and easy it is to be so dismissive and demean a person. Thank you Dr Ramani, for helping me see through their bull***t!! And now that I see the truth through the abuse it just reinforces the fact that going grey rock is so important. 😔✊💪

Yes they deny it's their fault. "Oh I forgot" you get used to that word.

I thank God for you breaking this down. They make me think I’m crazy for feeling how I do but you saying this further proves I’m not crazy.