Why Your Tinder Match Isn't Going To Date You 

Dating apps don't make money when you really find your life partner, they make money when you keep looking. So, the apps are optimized to make you spend more time looking and never find the right one for you. If they would gotten paid only when you made a baby, it would work differently.

Dr. K giving advice on dealing with your parents for most people: "Try entering the conversation with a genuine curiosity for their point of view." Dr. K giving advice on dealing with Asian parents: "Your first mistake is believing this isn't war. I recommend reading Sun Tzu for some strategies for exploiting their weaknesses."

As an insecure man getting 200+ matches felt great but after you try to speak with them and less than 10 actually engage in conversation but none of them wants to go out makes me feel even more weirded out by how is this supposed to be a dating app

as a bi woman, I can tell you right away that neither of the genders reply to me lol. I think everybody is just condtantly looking for better and better matches without realizing love isnt found, it is built over time

"The best sign a relationship is beyond repair is when you are the one trying to repair it" MIND = BLOWN

I'm 30 and haven't used a dating app in 4 years. My mental health has never been better. Take it from me young bloods DELETE THE APPS!!!

Online dating is torture. I get matches fine, but I’m starting to feel like the guys I go on dates with are in “I will take what I can get” mode. Listening to my single guy friends talk about dating, really feels like they would spend time with ~anyone~ even if they are terrible if they either a) might get laid or b) if the person is hot. I just want to be with someone who chooses me for me, not just because they are desperate for anything they can get.

i just reached an epiphany while watching this a quarter of the way. i think the real problem is that once there are too many things involved, it becomes complicated. for example someone with a closet full of the same t shirt and same pants, will easily pick a shirt and pants to wear quickly. someone with too many things in the closet will take too long to pick, get overwhelmed and say they don't have anything to wear. i think this is why the old fashioned meeting in person and falling in love naturally works best tbh.

A brilliant observation you've made that transcends even the whole, "dating apps want you to keep coming back/never find a good partner" stuff... We as humans, with these tools, focus more on our volume of matches rather than a successful match.

I thank dating apps for letting me know people can find me attractive or funny, and for letting me know I don't actually get nervous talking to potentially romantic interests. It was an exploratory experience, I went out with 3 different people, with no actual success. Once I stopped using them, I out of nowhere found myself in a real date, and I think my previous experience helped me not fuck up, because it went great. It didn't end as I would have wished, but I've gotten myself some unforgettable happy memories. Overall I think they helped me grow up and gain a bit of confidence.

My issue with dating apps is that they make people feel like bland NPC's. Rather than getting a personable first impression you get stats like height, age, etc. You have to judge based on pictures and people always look worse in a picture than they do in real life. Dating apps kinda force you to make shallow judgement calls based on how you imagine somethin. Maybe you turn someone down that you'd actually like because you imagine 5'7 being way taller than it actually is, 135 pounds being bigger than you think, or you just don't think they have an attractive face when they do and they are being misrepresented by there photos. This can also go the other way in that you can assume you find someone attractive but actually don't. I'd say at least 50% of the process for online dating is essentially gambling on wether or not how you view someone is accurate. I hate it so much.

Dr. K got heated about this one, and I’m glad he did. This whole new world dating system is horse shit.

You're spot on with this. I had this crush on a girl who ran in the same circles as me for a few years, but had only actually talked to her once. Then, out of nowhere, we matched on Tinder, and found out we were like a perfect match. Engaged in 6 months and eloped just under a year after we got together. I'd always said that the most success I'd found on dating apps was with connecting with people I already knew with a subtext attached, and I wholeheartedly still stand by that.

Dating apps are for validation and for casual sex. Don’t get your expectations high, they make money off of insecurity, sadness, and actively make an effort to keep you from matching.

This went from critiquing dating apps to Dr K. trying to convince his father to un-disown him

The amount of matches you get, also depends on where you live. I end up seeing the same people on other dating apps. Everyone is recycling each other.

the whole thing about being happy with a 7/10 and having ppl tell u that u can do better... its like.... dude. im HAPPY with this person. my boyfriend deals with major depression and severe adhd but he is the most kind, loving, caring person in the world. he makes me laugh. he takes care of me, and i take care of him. but my mom keeps telling me i can do better -_- but what is better than someone who makes you happy??? and no we did not meet on a dating app!!! tried that. didnt work. was single and not in the dating pool for over a year. met him thru online gaming. we clicked amazingly well, and grew rly close over the course of a year, he asked me out, and now we've been together for 5. you just have to let things happen naturally. dont go looking for it in a dating app. just put yourself out there. be open to meeting new people and making new friends!!! when you find someone you click with, things will fall into place much more easily and it all feels very natural.

For me, dating apps made dating more casual and gave me a bit of a confidence boost. Not too much ofc. It made it easier for me to ask people on dates and i met great people on Tinder. This is anecdotal but I wanted to mention it because it helped me despite the stigma around it. The only thing is that you should not take it too seriously untill you have an actual date planned because there have been a lot of times where I've talked to people for a while and then they unmatched for some reason or just stopped sending messages back so getting too invested early on is not a good approach

I learnt this the hard way. I will never try a dating app again unless I reach the point of being a bot, farming ig follows and casual one night hookups. It's terrible, I fell to the trap of people saying "oh women have it so easy", haha, not at all. Maybe you get matches but no real connection at all. It's really sad. I ended up feeling worse than before because not only I started to feel unlovable (so many ghosting, "am I the problem?") I felt like only a product, a pretty picture and nothing more.

After around 2 years of online dating, I found that you simply need to go on many more dates than you would if you asked someone up in real life for one simple reason: If you ask someone out in real life you already know that you're actually into that person and that the chemistry is (likely) there - at least from your perspective. If they agree to go on a date with you, they obviously feel the same. This doesn't guarantee a successful date or a relationship, of course, but there's quite a decent chance there. With online dating, you simply have no idea if there will be any chemistry between you two or not, no matter how much or how long you text - or about which topics. Romantic chemistry is something that's either there or isn't. Looking at profile pictures and texting gives you very few clues about that, aside from weeding out people you find very unattractive and/or especially annoying.

Agreed!! The apps are changing the landscape of dating (in a negative way), and causing people change their “priorities” on data that is irrelevant to sustaining a relationship to begin with.

I used tinder for 1-2 years (as a lesbian). This was my experience. I used it as a way to hook up and get over my ex and remind myself there's other girls out there. Also, as a thrill and confidence booster to meet strangers and go on dates and get myself out there. Though idk how much more confident i felt afterwards. i actually felt afterward most of the time. In a way it was exciting to go to someone's house I've never met before and hook up like a thrill chase. Made me feel like "i have game" and boosted my ego in that way. But most of my interactions and hookups were awkward unless there was alcohol involved. A way it affected how i view dated and changed my behavior i didn't expect was the casual talking to/borderline dating multiple girls at once. This created a fragmentation in my mind. While i was too scared to have a real relationship again, this weird codependent person hopping behavior became my new normal and it was a normal part of the tinder culture. It was a substitute for the loneliness I'd feel if i wasn't seeing anybody. Another thing that occured with my use of it was a casual attitude about sex and my body. When what i really craved was the soul connection and closeness i felt when i had sex in my prior relationship. I ended up getting banned for some reason (it's common for people to get randomly banned on tinder) but I'm glad it did cuz it wasn't healthy for me. As far as the female-male ratio, even when setting my gender preference to female, i still would get male profiles sometimes. There were also MANY profiles of straight couples 'looking for a third'. There were also a good amount of females in the "just moved here and looking for friends" category. Or "bi curious". When i did find single lesbians, lots of them were depressed, have anxiety or other mental health issues, and/or had no hobbies. I'd swipe no if i saw that in their profile. It's a place where many desperate people go (I'm not excluded here) and in most cases isn't a place that fosters healthy relationships. (As has been stated, they don't make money if you find the one only if you keep looking). So, it affects your mindset of people too. Instead of letting something natural occur, you're thinking, "but is there someone better?" And you get a "the grass is greener" syndrome if you do find someone you potentially want to date

Here's the thing. Dating apps are like browsing through a catalog. You will only stop to read through the "product" details if you find it visually appealing in the first place. The harsh truth is that people will only give a f*ck about about your info if you're attractive enough for them. At the end of the day it all comes down to looks.

I met my wife on Tinder, dating but looking for something serious. The level at which I knew her, talking for a week before we ever went out, was incredible. Honestly, that part of the relationship was totally unique and it felt like we were given a runway to success.

I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that it’s very easy to track all the necessary data to know which users are serious and which aren’t and how to mix them in a way that gives the illusion of the app working while actually making it harder to find a serious relationship. The best part is that it isn’t perfect, few real couples will manage to form in spite of it, and they will vouch for the app saying it worked for them.

My last experience on Tinder was in 2016, but I never really had a hard time, even as a fairly unattractive, overweight guy. I feel like the best thing I did with my profile was to not try and oversell myself. I put my height, "karaoke enthusiast", and a little joke. I'd rather tell someone about myself in messages. I always started by asking about photos. If they have concert pics, what's your favorite concert you've been to? If they paint, who are the artists that inspire you the most? If they have a couple short responses, I stopped trying. If they're not willing to put in effort to talk, I know they're not what I'm looking for. And before exchanging numbers I'd always make it clear I wanted something slow that could lead to a relationship, not a hookup. I'd say 5% of my matches turned into dates. After maybe 7 months I ended up matching with my now-fiancee, and we're getting married on our 6th anniversary in January. No clue if any of that's still relevant to Tinder now, but it helped some friends of mine.

Dating apps change your mind into thinking you'll find the 'one', when in reality, you're just having an addiction towards 'the grass is greener' syndrome. It's a bad addiction.

I swiped left on my current partner on multiple dating apps, but by pure chance ended up meeting them online somewhere else, then in-person, and we developed feelings for each other. Their profile on the app gave me a very shallow representation of them and I initially rejected them for some truly inane assumptions I made. I lucked out because I truly have never felt more compatible with a partner.

I’m actually a matchmaker and even for us it’s super challenging. Everyone focuses on what researcher Samantha Joel calls the “irrelevant 8” which are things that do not indicate long term relationship success: height, religion, physical attractiveness, etc. I love what I do but modern dating culture has really destroyed the way people approach dating and relationships.

Meetup and other group hobby organizations are probably better as dating apps. I heard a very good recommendation from some people who have moved to a new area where they don't know anyone. The recommendation is to move into social circles you want to meet a partner in. Example: If you have a cosplay hobby and would like to share that with a partner, hang out with cosplaying groups and inside the cosplay social circles. Caveat; it has to be a hobby/activity you actually want to share with a partner. If you date someone you feel too competitive with that might not be very healthy in a relationship.

I've long been out of the dating game, thankfully, but my one piece of insight is this. If you're getting women consistently telling you that they're "not ready", that's a lie they're telling you so they don't have to tell you the real reason why they didn't like you. I've been told that plenty of times in the past, only to see them starting a relationship with someone else just a week or two later.

the mental cost is ridiculous tho. consistent feelings of rejection and the anxiety that comes from checking the phone to see if you have a reply/match.

Dating apps are like a really watered down warmup for real life dating, with the occasional date here and there but It’s more likely to get your hopes up than it is to help you out with finding a partner. Searching for love is a waste of time. Love yourselves and keep going in a positive direction and you’ll become something you love and with that others will love that new version of you.

As a gay man, dating apps have one particular advantage and that is showing me only gay or bi men. Compare this to getting to know men in real life. they are usually not into men and the chance of finding someone in non-queer spaces is really low. So in cases of sexual orientation the filter by dating apps actually makes a lot of sense. I used dating apps for 2 years until I met my husband.

A past coworker who had a crush on me saw me on a dating app and... It was the single worst, most toxic relationship I've ever been in my life. They saw I was single through thr app and then obsessed over me, trief to make me "theirs", it was just flat out toxic. I actually avoid using many dating apps now just so this toxic person doesn't see that I'm available again. The less they think about me, the better.

I started using a dating app kinda recently, though it's more just for myself. Like a: "I'm doing something to meet girls, so I can focus on doing other things and not feel like I'm doing nothing." I don't really expect anything to come of it, and honestly the rejection is gonna be better for me in the long run (I'm pretty afraid of rejection), so I feel this is a healthy way to use the app.

Part of the problem these days is that if you talk to people in public, they tend to treat you like some kind of predator. Everyone is so isolated, and the only means left to find people to interact with are being run by companies who have a blatant conflict of interest in that finding you a partner means they lose you as a customer, but keeping you strung along indefinitely means that they can make you feel increasingly desperate and more willing to give them money. The dating app industry is the only one I can think of where the longer they fail to give their customers what they paid for and were promised, the more money those customers are likely to pay out.

Even if you're relatively successful gaining matches and meeting up, the results are poor if you wanna develop a connection. I used tinder for 2020/21 and had dozens of dates and positive experiences that resulted in several relationships of a few months but eventually fizzled out. My current gf and I met naturally within our social circles and it is much stronger of a connection and we've together for a year now.

You're one of the few people I've actually seen who makes sense and has answers that are not only backed up by science but are actually relevant to answering people's big questions. You're inspiring and you've inspired me to find purpose instead of distractions. Thank you for your videos. Ironically you've helped me get the push I needed to get off so much youtube watching and focus internally to find my purpose and get more in touch with knowing what I'm feeling, you're one of the few channels I'm actually going to actively keep following (Though I'll probably be following your podcasts more, yay for finding you do those too!). (And extensions to remove youtube distractions from my ADHD brain are very helpful here ;) ).

The weirdest stuff happened to me from Tinder dates but I started looking at it as a socialising app with no other expectations and I ended up getting a room mate out of it when I really needed one

I would be interested to hear a comparison of what you're saying here with online job postings. It seems to me that it is a related underlying phenomenon. The comparison to the sensory stimulation of gambling doesn't hit as well with online job postings (although LinkedIn, Indeed, etc. absolutely hammer you with notifications if you let them). But there being a low barrier to what we perceive as nonzero progress is absolutely there. And on the other end (the employer's end with jobs, and at least the straight cis woman's end with dating apps), you get this barrage of input that you either literally can't sift through, or that you do sift through but with an unreasonably fine filter.

Slot machines only make a sound when you win - making it seem like winning is far more common than loosing- same with dating app “ITS A MATCH!!!🎉🎉🎉”

The thing that always made me feel uneasy on apps trying them for during covid is how icky I felt judging woman's profiles based on so little information, when the only really thing that was non negotiable for me up front was not wanting kids. Everything else is such a broad range and nuanced to the point that I pretty quickly realized dating apps were not what they advertised themselves as.

Somebody should start an app that works the way traditional matchmakers did: by getting paid ONLY when a match led to marriage or engagement. Or at least, start an app with only token payment for regular use, and a bigger payment only for a “successful” match. Not sure how the company would find out when a couple made a commitment-because of course new couples would just “disappear” to avoid making the big payment. But it’s an idea worth working on!

I met my husband on a dating app, but both of us wanted to genuinely get to know each other. So we talked for a month, then went on 5 or 6 dates over a few weeks after that (during this whole time we didn't see anyone else), and then we became official. But both people definitely have to be committed to finding something real. We didn't get the fuzzies or instantly clicked, but as we got to know each other, we came to like each other, then we fell in love. We are due to have our first child next month. 😊

Oddly enough, I think of dating apps in the same way as language learning apps: They are fundamentally designed to keep you using the app for a prolonged period of time. Not necessarily to help with your goal.

I'm personally giving up on dating apps because there's zero payoff in my case. I have to spend about 15-20h swiping profiles to get a single match and none of them have answered my intro message so far. I hated every minute of the process and got absolutely nothing in return. I don't know why I get so very few hits online but could be able to do it in real life if I were to have social skills. All of my female friends/colleagues tell me that I'm cute (6-7) and that I could totally get a girl if I tried, I quite often get smiles from attractive girls I don't know on the street, at the grocery store, etc. some even try to start a conversation with me sometimes. The problem is that I'm autistic and don't know how to start or hold a conversation with someone unless I'm already intimate/good friends with them, so if a stranger talks to me, chances are that I'll answer evasively with my eyes glued to the floor and then find any reason to run away in embarrassment. Internet used to be the way for me to socialize 10-15 years ago but now it seems that the whole thing has been gamified and that I suck terribly at this game too. It's become to the point where I want to die, I don't understand how to make friends anymore and my loneliness is too heavy to bear, nothing is actually fun anymore because I have no one to share the fun with. Life is supposed to be more than this but I somehow can't connect with anyone anymore. I hate the post-social-media world so much, it has ruined almost everything and everyone.

I love this! I was a victim of the online dating thing for a long time before I exited that game. Great stuff here! I’m never going back to a dating service. If I want love I’ll find it in real life. And if I don’t that’s ok too. It is what it is. Love the video!

Hearing letters like this just makes me want to see what these people are like. There is definitely something about them they don't notice themselves and others are too polite to tell them.

Where else an adult person is supposed to meet other single people interested in dating?

I've thought for a while now, that one other negative aspect of apps like Tinder or Bumble is the level of investment involved. Being able to download an app and just import your social media means you're not even really trying to get a date, and I think that lack of investment is what makes people on the app seem much more flakey. Yet on the flip side, people think you "must" use online dating to find someone, so "everyone" is on it, so you get a lot of flakey people who aren't really invested in the interaction, or the desire to date at all. Perhaps apps as they're designed by corporations out to make money - to be addictive, time consuming and take your money - are the absolute worst way to meet people. Who knows.

IMO, Tinder only works for people who can take good pictures and have an entertaining profile because that increases the number of matches. It can work without it but that's a variable that the "average" person may or may not experience.

Dating Sites have a vested interest in keeping you on them and maximizing engagement and subscription services, not getting you into a relationship or necessarily going on dates. There's a reason they now have live stream features, a billion different types of microtransactions, and the overall design of the app. It's the nature of the current attention economy: engagement over health.

The main problem I had while using Tinder was people not having enough helpful information in their profiles. I was trying to only have matches that I really wanted to chat with and I became more and more picky over time because I don't do half-a$$ed stuff and every conversation that turned out to be kinda meh drained my mental energy. I still have an acquaintance that I met there, though. And I've heard that Tinder is great for travelling because people use it all over the world.

They're hookup apps. Hookup is a sustainable business model. Data backs this up. Looks are the top factor in internet dating and other "cold approaches". With warm approaches like meeting through mutual friends, which used to be the main way people meant, looks matter less. When tinder users listed hooking up and validation (mostly for women as dating apps are depressing to most men) as their main reason to use it. Getting into long term relationships is low on the list, but much higher on the list for FORMER tinder users. Most users know it's a hookup app, and those who don't, soon figure it out.

Wow. What a video. For the past 6+ years I've been on and off apps- I started in college because I had no dating experience from high school and it took the guesswork out of approaches (tinder was MUCH less monetized in 2016 as well). Now I'm getting into my late 20s, it's become a crutch and it's hard to stay off them for very long. Between working in 3 different regions of the United States post college and covid, I struggled to build the irl networks you need to date, so I inevitably end up downloading again, thinking this time I'll "win". When he starts to talk at 13:20 why people use dating apps, it hit completely accurate for me. I haven't swiped since July and believe I'm at a point in my career where I'll be settled in one city, so I'm trying to just let things develop organically, but I gotta admit, when you meet someone in real life, build that rapport, but still don't get to a third date, it's hard to not just say screw it and start swiping from the toilet again. I can lay off liquor, I don't have a smoking problem, but those dating apps function exactly like an addiction for me.

Unfortunately, a decent amount of people just have to use dating apps. Sober people, where the most societally accepted place to flirt is a bar. LGBT+ people, where the dating pool is so limited you need to be online, especially if you aren't interested in gay bars. There are also plenty of other minorities (religion, weight, culture, race, disability, etc) / people that are looking for specific things that you can't find easily in public (like acceptance of X difference). I would love to just meet someone naturally, but it's just not feasible. So we're relegated to the platforms where we actually have a chance to meet someone. At least we have that chance, but it's unfortunate to be locked-in to these apps :/

I have over 100+ matches on tinder and they often write me first. My problem is that whenever I engage in that conversation, they don't respond.. I'm left on read. I don't write anything more since I don't want to be annoying. The funny part is that most of them followed me on instagram and watches/likes my stories. It makes zero sense.

Great analysis. As a straight woman, I have found dating apps to have utility for getting dates with single men looking for a relationship. Working in female dominated workplaces and not being the kind of woman who enjoys sports, card games, or other places men hang out, I didn't see a lot of other options. But you're right that there's no reason to think the sites are doing some kind of genius matching process.

Man, I only clicked on your vids out of curiosity to see what you have to say and have something to listen to while cooking and I have to say you have genuinely good advice!

I get matches fine too but the amount of folks actually willing to have proper conversation is significantly lower - and when i do find some that do - i gotta ask them out on the date cause all they really want is to have you go over to their house for the night which is a hard no for obvious reasons.

I found I had the most matches when I left my profile as vague as possible. Ultimately it results in not going anywhere with anyone the moment you explain to them more about yourself and what you want, especially if you're me. The more traditional you are the more options you will have that are likely to go further. In fairness to dating apps, they do give a fast track to finding potential good matches based on shared interests/values and desires provided that the person has given this info on their profile. For me I'd say I'd be lucky if even 1% of women I see on the varies platforms I use are compatible. Some platforms are better than others for filtering. Tinder has no filters which is part of how they suck you in with the 'what if', and we know that's a key driver of dopamine. Compare that to better filtering platforms where I can go weeks between even seeing someone I would see as a potential match. I still see this as preferred to having to put in the effort of having to approach women IRL and have to invest so much time in them only to find that we're not compatible on issues I can see labelled within seconds of reading their profile. To summarise, the more alternative in what you are looking for, the less likely you are to find quality. If you compromise then you'll have more 'matches' but they very likely will end up fizzling into nothing, and honestly, the sooner the better for that as you definitely don't want to be committing to someone based on compromising on what you want.

i feel like you can't meet people without apps anymore, everyone is a;ways wearing earphones, listening to music, looking at their phone when they are in public (me included). everyone is in their own world, less open to the physical one

Oh gosh i needed to hear this, thank you so much Dr.K

I've been meeting a lot more people and making a lot of connections, but they've been at in person events. Finding groups and communities with members of your desired sex is still king in my opinion. Yes social environments can be hard, but I feel like your chances are better. Make the effort because the bar is low.

The paradox of choice basically. More options (which are not real options in most cases) confuses people making them not knowing what the hell to choose. Barry Scwhartz made a interesting Ted talk about this.

I’m all about a FaceTime chat before deciding if we really want to go on a full on date. Totally worked for me when dating in the LA area where lots of matches happen. Keep it under 30mins & you WILL have a much better idea if y’all are even a possible match.

I am very glad I found your channel - keep up the good work you are making a difference (which I'm sure you already know) Thank you!

the title fills me up with joy

What is the alternative to dating apps though? Nowadays its weird to talk to random people on the street/supermarket/library. Clubs and bars are questionable due to intoxication. And trying to flirt with people at work can make things awkward for a long time. It seems like were lacking a repeated social environment where people can get to know who you are without even talking to you (like renown, overhearing jokes/conversations or being introduced by friends to other new people)

I never thought about this correlation thing with what you measure and all that, that's very interesting and makes a lot of sense, thanks for your explanation Dr. K.

I am 44 years old. I make 120k a year from my job, have a business on the side, and i am starting a non-profit to help homeless people. I am 6 ft tall. I go to church, and i play drums. I have been on 3-4 dates my whole life. Always just ignored and when i put myself out there women have just treated me like garbage. Society deserves Gods wrath that is surely to be poured upon the land.

Again Dr. K is only focused on tinder. Tinder may not care if you met up with your match, but there are apps that ask if you met up with the person you were chatting with. Maybe he is focused on tinder type apps because they are the most popular. There are much better apps for looking to meet new interesting people. Near the end he says the truth. The apps "help people meet who wouldn’t have met up otherwise". Thats the point of the apps. To meet up. It may eventually lead to a relationship or may not. But the goal is to meet up. If you think of apps as anything else you will have a bad time.

When 'evil Dr.K' shows up with some advice, he tends to say something along the lines of 'This is like standard practice for asians'; and I have no reason to doubt him; but my heritage is European Italian and I can tell you that its like 100% needed survival special weapons and tactics for my extended family as well. This leads me to conclude that the limit is not along cultural lines, its highly applicable to any/every family dynamic that is entrenched in passive-aggression.

Always very insightful....thank you!

I like that you mention that there is an assumption that people know what they want. In reality, people don't know what their soul/ higher self wants, people on dating apps are operating from ego and subconscious programming. We are operating primarily from subconscious programming rather than conscious awareness and intention. So, focus on being self-aware and learn to socialize in general and it is possible to use your vibration to meet compatible people.

For me, the premise of dating apps is that they allow me to find single women to approach, because I never would approach them otherwise as a shy introvert who barely ever leaves his home for anything other than work, grocery shopping or occasional walks. The problem, of course, is the intimidating white wall that is the chat screen before sending the first message...

I met my husband on Tinder when I was in college and he was a working adult in another city. Totally thought he looked cocky and matched so I could have a funny story to tell my friends. Turns out he’s incredibly intelligent, funny, and self-assured without being a jerk to others. Ironically, when we met he was kind of over dating and Tinder. I knew pretty early on this wasn’t your average relationship. It’s funny how life works sometimes.

The grandchild trap is so uncomfortably true it hurts, speaking from second hand experience. You could burn your parents' house down and they would still take you back if you brought a kid with you.

Dating was never easy. People mostly end and ended up in dysfunctional relationships. Personally, I'd rather be alone than in the kind of relationship most people have, like in the kind of relationship my mom had with my stepdad where they were constantly fighting every day. She met him in person, not a dating app. It's not just about finding a relationship but a high quality one. So maybe we are better off alone than what we might have otherwise ended up in.. lol

Tinder hinge and okc back in the day were GREAT for me. Very few matches, but I'm picky and super honest, so the ones I got were stellar. And if you don't get out over your skis and think it HAS to lead somewhere, not getting second/third dates ort dates after a hookup isn't devastating. It's just a process yiu can have fun with and use to develop skills to date EVERYWHERE!

Thank you for this video. I'm almost 58, widow for two years a and a half. I started thinking about using dating apps. I confess I feel like being an object to display... very disgusting. This video is very helpful to me. Thanks from Argentina

to the point about "emotional manipulation" it really depends on where the individual is at in terms of their own healing and processing. if someone is ready to extend the olive branch and start including their parents in their life again, that person understands that saying "my kid is really good at math, do you think you can help them?" can feel vastly more safe to approach than if one forces the parents to say sorry. often times, they may even understand on an instinctual level that this is their way of saying sorry rather than needing to say it in as many words. this is only one of many approaches, but this technique (in my unprofessional opinion) says "i understand how you are, how you work, and this can work"

Tinder seems like a massive kick in the balls for most men and a massive ego boost for most women.

Im not even at 3 minutes yet and all i can say is that “men have it rough” like dating should not be this difficult for anyone and its sad our society is like this.

The blurry background always makes me feel kind of weird. Like it's weirdly intimate and artificial that I can only see the person on screen and everything else is blurry. In a normal conversation I'd be able to look around the room, and it always throws me off when I have zoom calls with people that do the blurry background.

I was with my ex all throughout undergrad so I missed out on a really opportunistic dating experience. We broke up in 2019 and I started dating again in 2020 and all I’ve known are the dating apps. It really sucks.

I wish we could talk about other ways that adults are expected to find people besides dating apps. I feel like they’re the only option now. As a woman I don’t feel safe going to bars/ clubs looking for men because I know that I’m putting my safety at risk and most of those guys are just looking to hookup. But as an adult, there are no social situations where you look for a partner besides drinking/partying. It feels like dating apps are my only choice even though I hate them

It’s great that you’re shining light on this huge societal issue. It ruins a lot in modern relationships and exacerbates societal alienation. Great work, thank you for spreading change. And for anyone reading this, there’s nothing better for mental health than joining social circles and having your supportive community in the real world, and if you have social circle(s), you’d find it easier to have deeper connections with people who *actually* care about you and value you. Don’t let dating apps destroy your confidence. They’re NOT an indication that you’re destined to end up alone.

Thanks Doc. You got great content that I learn from .

I met my current bf of 11 months on Tinder and it has been great. If you're gay, stuff in person is considerably more difficult, given that most gay groups are too focused on superficial sexual aspects (nothing wrong with that, but it's not what you usually want for a relationship. Before him I went on some of them and most of them could have resulted on something if I wanted to, but they weren't my type. You need to understand that, at the end of the day, you need one person. Interact with people as people, not as statistics.

This whole men to women ratio thing is a real life problem though - not just in India and China. There are more young men than young women in most countries (except for those where a lot of men die young due to violence/war, accidents etc.). And you might think that this is convenient for most women - but honestly, having to deal with all those frustrated (sometimes toxic) men who can't find a girlfriend is just not fun. Especially if you consider that on average women are still making a bigger effort to be visually attractive. I guess gender roles are more powerful than supply and demand.

I've found that more information gets more matches and sometimes can lead to conversations. The issue I've had is that when I have met someone in person, they judge me way too much on my profile and how I want to display myself, and treat it like a checklist instead of getting to know me, and I may say something about myself which may not be how I'm interpreted to everyone else. I just don't see the point in dating apps.

Really enjoying the channel. Keep it up!!

The apps are there to gamify human loneliness. Their chief concern is continual engagement. They literally push people to keep swiping the infinite potential pool. The worst thing for them is you finding a relationship and deleting the app.

I met my girl on tinder, neither of us use it anymore. For me it just seemed like a good way to get exposure to people I didn't yet know, I was right. Now I can't read the future but I'm hoping I spend the rest of my life with this lady cuz she's a lovely person.

ily dr k thanks for the great videos :)

Great advice! Thanks.

Dating apps are definitely a hit or miss. I've had a couple of friends who I think (bias aside) would succeed well in the dating field but can't even hold a conversation on apps like Tinder. I tried Taimi (which if you are anyone identifying under the wlw umbrella, do not try Taimi you will perpetually get men) with no luck, then I tried Tinder with a sort of "who knows" attitude and now I'm in a committed and long term relationship with my best friend. Love is built and an investment, the people who are really interested will reflect that energy but if they don't they are not worth your time.

I feel a big thing to factor in is that that more matches is more engagement. More engagement is better for the company's bottom line.