What Representing Men in Divorce Taught Me About Fatherhood | Marilyn York | TEDxUniversityofNevada 

it's funny how society mocks women with "daddy issues" while at the same time refusing to acknowledge the significance of a father's role in a girl's life Edit: yes not just girls but it is more established that boys need strong male role models in their life, and it’s not as vocalized how much girls need the same

"Advocating for fathers isnt about diminishing mothers." Thats a fckn statement that should always be remembered.

When I divorced in 2002, I insisted my ex get half custody. My friends were baffled, but he was a devoted and active father. The judge would have given me full custody & my ex only every other weekend, but I was adamant he get half. It sure wasn't easy to deal with him, but our child benefitted and that was what counted most.

My mother was neglectful when I was young and my father took custody of me. He was a 44 year old man without much experience wth children and he suddenly found himself raising a 6 year old girl all by himself. He really stepped up and I will always be deeply grateful. I loved him more than words can express.

I had my son when I was 18. His mom and I were together for a year after he was born. Things didnt workout. She was abusive. She tried to keep him away from me. I constantly visited but she refuses to open the door everytime. I fought and represented myself in court for 3 years. I saved every receipt, photos, school awards, etc. At first, I was only able to see him on Every other Sundays. Then it turned to every other weekend where he would sleep over. Then I requested for more time. It became every other weekend and every other Tuesday and Friday. The last mediation on May 29, 2013, I requested for every other weekend, monday, Wednesday and Friday. It was approved. From there she started to slowly fade away. She wouldnt show up for the exchange. Got plenty of notes from police officers for a no show. Total neglect. So I took matters into my own. Enrolled him in schools and other activites while I went to work. She would pick him up here and there but there was a time where she forgot to pick him up from school. They called me at 7:00 pm. He was 4 years old at this time. She didn’t reach out for a year. He’s basically lived with me since then. I am 29 now and he’s 11. For any fathers going through something similar, Your child deserves to have a good father. Don’t stop fighting. Whatever it takes.

Wonder how many mothers tell their kids “your father left” opposed to the truth of “I’m keeping you from your father and will call him a dead beat so we can share misery”

“Advocating for Fathers isn’t about diminishing Mothers.” Truth.

I got great advice when I became separated and started the divorce process. My friend is a marriage and couples counselor. She told me 'don't ever refer to 'jane' as your 'ex-wife' in your thoughts or out loud. Always refer to her as 'the mother of my children'.' She explained that when you think of her as your 'ex-wife' all the reasons for the failure of the marriage just get brought right up front again and again. This leads to nothing but resentment and unconscious bias in interactions. When you think of her as the mother of your children? The first feeling is gratitude for that. It helps smooth a lot of troubled waters. It keeps things focused where it belongs on the kids. I passed along that advice to my kids' mother. She thought it was a good idea and we both asked our friends and family to do the same thing. It has been AMAZING what a difference in makes in how we co-parent. After 10 years now at family events I've had members of both our families come up to me and say 'it is so awesome that we can come to these things and never feel like we're taking sides or feeling uncomfortable around you/her and your family because it's always just about the kids'. If you don't do it now. It's not too late. Stop carrying around the anchor of a failed marriage/relationship. Start focusing on the other person who helped you do the greatest thing you will EVER do in your life in being a parent.

People must begin to see the greatest privilege of all: having two parents.

Here's what we also need to realize about this talk: She never tries to take anything away from the women. She just wants men to have the same chances.

I love that as a society, we need data, research, experts, psychologists and lawyers to explain to us that dads are important

This killed a guy I knew. He was one of the best people I ever met. His wife was vicious through & after the divorce. She'd take the kids on vacation on the weekends he was supposed to have them, w/ no warning--just vanished. Once she installed a new SIM card in her daughter's phone so the father's messages wouldn't come through...then she took the kids for a 2-week holiday. The last straw was that he hadn't seen his kids since Christmas 2021. He was supposed to have his children over the weekend of his birthday in April. She disappeared w/ them again, didn't answer his calls. When she finally did pick up & he asked, "Where are the kids?" she said something along the lines of, "If you were a better father you'd know the answer to that question." There was a custody hearing set for the Wednesday following his birthday, but he knew the judge & the laws were biased against him, since he "hadn't spent much time w/ his kids since Christmas" & it looked like he was slacking on his visitation & involvement. He h**ged himself Tuesday night. His last message was a voice message to his daughter, telling her how much he loved her & her brother & how proud he was of them. His note read, "Keiner nimmt meine Kinder weg," "Nobody takes away my children." The ex-wife is my next-door neighbor. He tipped the chair over, but she tied the rope.

Resentment between A husband and wife should never reach the child.

Just look the difference between how we celebrate mother's day and father's day

When she said "now erase your father from all your memories" i ended up crying :(

Growing up in the 60s with both parents in a nice neighborhood I thought thats how all kids lived. I came to realize just how incredibly lucky I was.

As a male teacher, I can tell you, even if I had never met a kids parents, I can pretty accurately pick which kids are from solo parent homes.

This woman is a treasure. My divorce attorney was a woman... No one represents men better than a woman who loves her father. God bless them all,

I was given a choice as a teenager...who do you want to live with, mom or dad...joint custody had been a nightmare for years. It was the easiest decision I ever made. I chose my dad and it's the reason why I'm a successful, productive member of society today. My mother was not a good caretaker and my dad did everything in his power to make every effort to be there. It comes down to individual situations, but I'm thankful that I had the opportunity to make the decision for myself.

I grew up with a biological father but he made it very clear through his actions that I was not valued in his eyes. I’m in my 30s and I have cut off all communication and haven’t spoken to him in almost 3 years. Through lots of therapy and self reflection I made the decision to no longer keep in touch with him or his side of my family and I also made a promise to never be that kind of Husband or Father to my family.

This reminds me of my mother use to say to, "Your dad is great father, but a bad husband, so just because I don't like your dad, doesn't mean I'll ban him from you."

"Fathers are crucial, yet laws and society undervalue their importance in their children's lives." - This is impactful.

Finally, father's contribution to a child's development is being recognised. Nice to see that contribution to human progress and development.

People don't "need" their father or mother. They need more than that. They need a GOOD and SAFE father and mother.

As a father that rarely gets to see his daughter, I appreciate this Tedx Talk.

My mother did just this- had an affair and listed her husband instead of my biological father on my birth certificate. They divorced shortly after- shocking, I know- and I lost both fathers. I didn't find my biological father until I was thirty, only to find out that he died when I was 18. But I did find that I have a half sister, cousins, aunts and uncles. A whole family who never knew I existed. I'll take what I can get.

As a dad who fell victim to the system as it stands. This made me tear up. I pray this woman makes the difference she's trying for.

As a father, this made me want to be better. I’ve never heard nor thought of any of this.

I lost my son during my divorce. The reason was "the mother is the natural care taker". I then was forced to pay child support. Welcome to America.

Maybe if society as a whole stopped treating fathers like they are dispensable, we could see even a slight decrease in men that abandon their children. My dad and grandpa were two of the best people I have ever met and I absolutely needed them while I was growing up and I'm grateful every day they were there every single day. Any mother that would try and deny their child additional love and support from a father that wants to be in their child's life is pathetic. Fathers are just as important as mothers.

Im not going to lie, I have many times felt guilty for having such an amazing dad. I would catch my self talking about my dad and then realizing my friend doesn't have a dad, and I would just feel like I was selfish or something. Its terrible realizing that one of the best parts of your life is something that so many people will never have.

I’m not telling it’s the same for everyone, but as a child growing without his father (his choice) I can tell I had to struggle à long time before being really confident in myself and what I’m able to do. My mother is the best, but she was focused on security: her wish to see me safe was stronger than to see me doing something new. If I fall from my bike, she would say « are you ok sweety, do you want to stop and go home? » which is good and lovely, but you also need to hear « get up kid you can do it ». I stopped myself so many times to just try something, telling me I won’t make it and that it would just be « safer » to not even try so you cannot fail. I’m not like that anymore. Now I’m a house dad and my little girl is everything to me, I couldn’t stay away from her even a single day! (Sorry for my bad english)

"Advocating for fathers isn't about diminishing mothers" - Not enough people understand this

This crushed me. I have been fighting for my son since he was one years old. Now he is 4.5 years old. I will never give up. The mom and courts barely let me see him. I have a perfect record, very good job, homes and all the support and love possible for him. I cry every night, sometimes during the day missing him. He looks like me, acts like me and loves me. The courts deny me my boy! The best thing in my life. My father beat me, abused me, starved me, then left me to fend off the world. I did, I grew, I accomplished greatness in full. Then came my son, planned, prayed for. I knew how to be, act, behave and genuinely be there for him. Because my dad was not, he taught me how to really be me for my boy. God I want my boy, God my boy needs me, God please help me help him.

My entire life (I am now 43), I have carried a deep grief at my core without understanding why it was there. This talk showed me: it’s because I grew up fatherless. Thank you for helping me see it’s not my fault I’m so sad so often.

Reading some of these comments is really healing for me. My dad had split custody, a good relationship with my mother, and lived nearby, but he still abandoned me and started a new family with 2 new kids that he neglected while living with them. I've just recently cut him out of my life at 31, not that he'll notice until a year or so from now, but I am really happy to read about all the fathers who loved their children. I hope every involved, loving father out there knows that your effort means the world to your kids. Don't give up. And thank you.

This is also why men need paternity leave when they have a child with their partner.

Marilyn York (The Speaker in this TED Talk) is the lady who helped save my life and my future. I am an 18 year old boy, and a son to a father who loves me and was able to give me the childhood I needed. I can say with 100% conviction that if Marilyn had not existed my father would not have been able to win against my drug addict, drunk, and criminal mother. Because of her, today I am a cyber security specialist, going into the navy for cryptologic networking. All I can say is that Marilyn York and fathers around the world make MUCH better impacts on the world then just deciding who gets to see the kid. Thank you for saving my life and my future Marilyn. And thank you to my dad for being the father I needed.

My Dad isn’t one for verbal communication but he knows I love history especially female history. So he gets a Smithsonian magazine monthly finds a female figure, brings it to my attention & hands it to me to read. That’s how I know he’s bonding with me & telling me he sees me. I love my Dad, I know he tries, cares & has always been supportive. Both my parents I know are & have always been crucial in my life and will always be. I’m insanely blessed & know not many have this, so I treasure it greatly.

I am a fatherless daughter, and I can't begin to describe how much this video touched my heart. My dad wasn't put on the birth certificate when he was becoming a father, and was prohibited from getting a paternity test. My mom lied and said he was abusing her! To this day I don't understand why she did this and opted to be a single mom. Growing up, she talked as if being a single mom was totally okay and normal, and often mentioned how being a single mom carries a lot of stigma, but that doesn't make it bad. The day that I met him and he started to become a part of my life, I began to question even more. He ended up paying for car repairs at one point, and I told my mom. I asked her if she'd ever wanted some help raising us, and she'd said yes. She passed away this summer. I guess I'll never know. The ability for mothers to lie and get away with not telling the father they are pregnant with their child is something I've just now realized should not be done. I don't know if it should be considered a crime if they don't tell the father right away, because it can be delicate, but it's the right thing to do, in my opinion, to tell the father first. As the child of a story like this, fathers are crucial. They are paramount. I didn't even know I was supposed to have one until I was 23.

I'm glad to see a woman talking about the importance of a father.

It's about time we realized that fathers are just as important as mothers.

Fought and won full custody of my boys in Nevada back in 2011. They provided her with attorneys to help her while the kids and I were alone to fight and survive alone. Nice to see laws changing but they still have a long way to go when men are fighting for their lives and their children’s lives against lies and state appointed attorneys.

My father left before I was born. I always wondered what it would be like. To have someone so close in my side that understood me as a male.

I just turned 13 when my parent's divorced. My mother wouldn't allow me to see my father plus brainwashed me into fear of him. Then she forced me to be adopted by her second husband just to hurt my father. Life was so confusing! Mothers can get so bitter and use their children to hurt their father.

She stressed the importance of father's roles without taking away from mother's roles. Both are equally important.

This made me emotional. My dad got custody of me in early 90s and I am so proud of him because it was quite unusual. I feel lucky. I remember how anxious I was the day he went to court. If I could meet the judge I would give him a big hug and thank him for his right decision. Can't imagine another scenario for me !

I’m watching this and reading a few comments in tears as I have gone through a divorce and suffered every psychological difficulty in trying see my kids. I’m 75 now and losing my kids still hurts, the psychological battle didn’t just effect me as my kids were used in that battle by the lies they were told about me. I have a relationship now since their mother died but it’s not that free flowing. Thanks for the work you do supporting fathers as those that care should be allowed to.

I am separated from my daughter and it hurt so bad. I won’t give up on her.

I wish more people would see that fighting for men’s rights isn’t an attack on women

I lost my wife when my daughter was seven and my son was three I had to juggle all their needs and try to make an income. Unfortunately women who get divorced don't realize how important it is to remember that children didn't cause the divorce situation and they need both parents love and care.

Honestly as a man it just feels good to see someone portraying us as more than just some monster that ruins society and the world. Really just a powerful, beautiful and simply moving speech ❤️

I grew up never knowing my mom. After I was born she relapsed and disappeared. My dad got clean and went back to school. He raised me on his own (well, kind of with help from my grandparents) while getting his life back together. I’m still not sure how it’s affected me growing up without a mom, but I’m forever grateful that I am the reason my dad is the man that he is today. He’s actually a mental health therapist and drug abuse counselor now. Him being able to say that he not only quit abusing drugs while going to college, working full time, and taking care of me has shown me what it truly means to be a man. I’m so glad that I’ve been able to have my dad in my life. Fathers are important.

“Advocating for fathers isn’t about diminishing mothers.” Truer words than this are rare. We really need to drop this "if you believe something different than me, you are against me" mentality

"The law is improving but the statistics are not" ---thats a very concise way to speak the truth. We cant keep trying to make things "right" by passing laws. Laws dont change the truth. Children need both mother and father

I miss my father every day. He was the deepest, strongest relationship I had in my life. Thank you for helping all those fathers out there

My mother, who didn't lift a finger in raising me and my siblings, was miraculously granted full custody during my parent's divorce. Even after MANY witnesses came forward to tell the judge that my father was the only one who raised us, the judge still gave her full custody. I really appreciate this TedTalk. This prejudice played a significant roll in my childhood.

It's just depressing that people think that fathers don't matter in a child's life. Somehow because the woman bears the child, she's the only one that matters? Not even close.

This is hard hitting. The awareness on laws against fathers is absolutely required!

I am the oldest of 3 sons raised our mother, the father of 4 sons, I've outlived my birth family and my oldest & youngest sons. My 2nd son, a semi-retired eye surgeon with an international reputation, hosted a family dinner 3 or so weeks before my 90th birthday. At the dinner I gave a short speech. I told my descendants, "I am a miracle, that makes you miracles also." This talk convinced me I am a miracle.

When I met my husband he was a divorced father of three. His kids lived with their schizophrenic mother several hundred miles away. The courts had awarded her custody because the maternal grandparents were present in the same city. My husband spent every spare moment and spare penny he had maintaining his relationship with the kids. He phoned them at least once a week and made a monthly visit. Often he would make the trip to their far-away city, only to learn that the kids wouldn't be spending their 24-hour weekend or Christmas, with him because some remote uncle had come to visit... But he never gave up, he never forgot the kids, not even when our son was born. Every month until the kids were old enough to take the train alone, we would go visit them with our baby. We spent all our holiday time with them. My husband faced major opposition when one of the children decided to come live with us. Despite the years, he has constantly kept up contact with the three children, who are now all in their 30's. Despite slander and lies from their maternal family, the all really know who their Dad is, how much he loves them, and, most importantly, the fact that he never, never chose to leave them, but was forced to do so by his ex-wife's manipulative parents. This wonderful man is a hero to me, and though he is not perfect, he is a wonderful father. All four of his children adore him. Every child should have this kind of dad.

I actually choked up when she listed the questions fathers can answer, because my dad would know those. Dads are so different from moms, and it’s so important to have that relationship

To all unmarried people who happened to come here: sure, the relationships should be fun and full of love. But if you consider spending the rest of your life with someone, choose the one who has THE SAME VALUES AND at least similar PRIORITIES as you. Then, remember that choices that will impact both of you should be talked over together first. Do that and you will never have to fear a divorce. Unfortunately, sometimes you find out that you had ended up falling in love with someone whose values and priorities in life are different. I've been there. I chose to split up with a man I had loved the most in the world at the time because of those differences. I knew that even if I love him so much, in the end I will end up being miserable in this relationship (and he probably would too) if it continued. It was so hard... I cried for a week, lost a lot of weight. I was afraid that I will never find anyone again (he was my first boyfriend). But it really was worth it. Because half a year later I met my current husband. We're together 7 years now, we love each other and our 2 y'o son. We're building our future together and of course we're fighting sometimes, but I know that as long as we talk to each other about everything and decide together about important things our family will always be a rock-solid shelter where all three of us will feel the safest - just like a real family should be. So the point: do not leave anything to chance (ESPECIALLY pregnancy and children), choose carefully who you're with and build your future TOGETHER. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself and your needs. Those should never be neglected. BUT! Never for the cost of your spouse's or children's needs. BTW, regarding the topic of fatherhood... I remember how my father reacted when he found out why I split up with my first boyfriend. "You have no idea how impressed I am with you right now." It is very difficult to impress my father let alone to make him admit it out loud. It was my first and last time to ever hear him saying that about anyone. In the end, that breakup became the best and the most impactful decision I had ever made in my life. Being wise often takes more courage than being spontaneous. Be brave. Choose people in your life wisely.

I work in mortgages and I am PETRIFIED of marriage. I deal with at least 4-5 calls per week of men who are being RINSED by divorce settlements. It's like 'yeah I get to stay living in the house, he is coming off the deeds but staying on the mortage, he will be paying for the whole mortgage with no ownership, and is contributing to 50% of the bills and paying £300 child support too'. And I'm like.... OKAY THEN.

I’m sad to admit I have overstepped my role as a mother and restricted my husband have an organic relationship with our children. It’s hard to co-parent. This opened my eyes. My dad was an important role in my upbringing, and I believe my husband is a better dad, I just was stunting it. I’m going to do better by allowing him to do his thing. I feel so embarrassed. This was a really important video for me to watch.

What a woman. Fighting for the rights of children and fathers

I grew up with parents who have a very stable marriage - and I still did not have a secure male figure in my life. Just because a dad is there, does not mean he is really “there, there.” He was always so into his own work and projects. In fact a lot of what I have accomplished in my life subconsciously grew out of a pattern of seeking his engagement and interest. This outward success made both my parents very proud, while leaving me with a deep hole in my heart that was always waiting for my dad to fully engage - and that has impacted my life in so many hard ways. Yet if my parents had split, I’d’ve still very much wanted him in my life, just like I always have.

I am always so amazed to hear stories like these; my community does not value their children or their relationships with the mothers. Often the men disown their children and get their families to do it too. Additionally, my own father was a very terrible, abusive person. The exercise asked me to recall the good times I remember with my dad and then erase them was different for me because when I close my eyes and think about my dad, all I can remember is abuse. I would gladly remove those memories and him from my mind if possible. The primary thing to remember is that advocating for dads is necessary, but it should happen in lock-step with keeping the children protected. Today, men from my community will argue that they're good deserving parents who should be allowed the same access to their kids as their child's mother. They will get custody and immediately place them with family members and new relationships where the children are exposed to unhealthy, dangerous, and even abusive people and behaviors. Ultimately, all good dads deserve equal access and equitable treatment during the family law process. My children have a fantastic dad who I wouldn't even dream of taking to family court because I know even on our worst day, he would prioritize our children's safety. However, for people in a situation where destructive, dangerous, or impulsive behaviors are a problem that can put kids in harm's way, Nah, you need observation and a demonstrable record of care and safety, proving kids have a healthy, safe environment to grow in

one of the greatest privileges is having stable and loving parents.

I have an alcoholic dad, can't really relate to the good memories, but I'll do my best to be a great father. Please, everyone with bad parents, do not inerhit their character, if you didn't have a good childhood, at least do your best to make your kids childhood the best.

I was a stay at home dad and I still had a tremendous bias against me in divorce court.

Not a father, nor did I grow up without one, but I’ve seen these effects firsthand around me and it’s incredibly sad. Keep fighting the good fight

“Advocating for fathers isn’t about diminishing mothers” Of course not. It’s not a zero sum game.

My mom was abusive, for 15 years no one believed me. DSS didn’t pay attention. My father did want me, in fact when I was 10 he got my brother who was 15. I was stuck with my mom because it was believed I needed a mother’s touch and love. During that 5 year I went to a mental hospital twice, three of my grandparents died, my uncle died and my mothers abuse got worse. I have three scars that are from my mother, one on my wrist I see EVERY DAY. DSS only believed me one I had a psychotic break in a police station. My mom was right outside the door laughing and gossiping. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD. When I went to my dads, I no longer need everyday medication, I was more social and I didn’t have to be afraid of my mother every second. My mother got away with this for 15 years with it because she was so good at the image. My Dad tried but no one cared until I was in mental hospitals crying for over 5 hours begging them to not send me home and begging for my dad. Dads are extremely important without my Dads support I would not be here. Don’t always believe the mother most the time they are the most abusive. Mine was and I sometimes I still wake up crying in fear that she will punish me for not being a good daughter Edit: I wanted to say thank you for all over your sweet and caring comments. I didn’t want sympathy however I just wanted to spread the importance of people having a father and how mothers can be horrible with children. To update about how I’m doing I’m okay. I’m a lot better than I was with my mother. I still have my struggles but I’m grateful for them due to them helping me understand things better.

As a father, still married, this is the best I've heard in a long time. Staying together when love has faded is common I believe, but getting some support that the reasoning is right really helps. So thank you

I thank God for my father. He was a great dad.

It blows my mind how my dad won full custody of me in the early 1980's. I haven't thought much of it until becoming a father myself. I think I need to sit down with him and thank him for how hard he fought for me.

Before I was even old enough to remember my mom, she demanded a divorce and took my dad to court. She hated working and having responsibilities, but she still wanted custody of me and my sisters. My dad worked all day every day while my mom sat with her face in the computer from sunrise to sunset. It was two of my older sisters who changed my diapers when I was a baby, and they were only 6 and 7 years old. My mom just didn't care. But she still wanted to get back at my dad for "not paying attention to her" even though he had to work all day because my mom didn't want to do anything. So, to get her "revenge," she tried to win over custody and the massive house we lived in. Her plan was to take everything, kick my dad out, and live off of child support that he has to pay while getting a low-effort part-time job. Thankfully, her plan never went into effect. My dad did everything he could to save the marriage because he knew my sisters and I couldn't grow up without a woman in the house. But my mom lost the case because she couldn't prove that she could provide a stable environment for her children to live in. My dad got full custody and my mom disappeared for several years. The last thing she said to my dad was "I hate you for taking my kids away from me." My dad's case was one of those rare cases where the father is the stable one and wins. But if the tiniest circumstances were different, then I fear my mom would have won custody and used me and my sisters as a weapon to manipulate my dad into getting what she wanted. It's sad to see how so many fathers lose the ability to see their children because the mother is narcissistic and selfish. It almost happened to my dad, but happy endings in cases like these are rare and that's upsetting.

i think its important to clarify that kids need GOOD fathers. not fathers who leave or arent involved or have no idea how to take care of their children without the wife there. it is valid to keep an unfit parent away from the children.

Thank you Marilyn! The best thing I ever did was fight for the right of joint custody with my own kids. And now that my daughter has a son of her own, even though she is estranged from the father, she makes every effort to include him in all aspects of her son's life. I like to think, it is because she witnessed my fight for my rights, and understands just how important a father's rights and role is in her son's life.

"Fathers aren't second class citizens!" -Judge Judy

During my custody trial, my ex was dating a guy who had a criminal record. My lawyer and I successfully petitioned the court to access the criminal record since it shows how he treats other people and is an insight into his personality as he is around my daughters. Turns out he had two incidents against his own children. Anyways, in the end, I got full custody.

Lived with my mom growing up. Dad was always around. Now we work together. Sometimes it sucks lol. He's a great father. Always gives me great advice and has always been there for me during the good and bad times. I'm terrified of having a baby mother. I feel so bad for others that are raised without a father or mother. They're at a disadvantage in life through no fault of their own. Sad asf

I come from a single parent household. One amazing thing that happened was that the single parent was my father. It still did not help. Me and all my siblings were set back close to 20 years by the event and all the collateral damage of the following years. Adults really need to keep in mind how serious marriage is, especially when kids are involved!! I am now married with a daughter of my own and am making sure to be as big a part of her life as possible. She is my world, and she will be reminded of that daily. Thank you so much for the presentation and needed information.

"Fathers too have a genetic bond and instinct about their children." We are just beaten over the head that we don't have that connection.

Shocking that it has to come a woman to stand up for men. I hope she's heard.

I love my father to the core. My mom was often away so I have a strong bond with him and even if my mom is here now, it’s not the same. He was the one who was there. He was the one I wanted to see when school was over.

My dad passed when I was 17. Still hurts like it was yesterday almost a decade later. I’m so glad I had a loving father. It wasn’t perfect but it made me expect love and security similar to the way my dad provided me and I feel fortunate to have had all the male relationships in my life.. siblings friends relationships… especially to see one of my brothers go on to become an amazing dad himself

I cam home to a furnitureless home, the ex left and took our daughter with her. If I had done that to her, I would have been arrested for child abduction.

When my daughter was about 10, her mother left me. We were not married, but a little while after leaving me her boyfriend was filling her head with ideas that made me fear for custody of my daughter. I immediately got a lawyer to draw up custody papers (2 weeks on, 2 weeks off) and child support. I think I caught her off guard with this, because she signed without any fuss. My daughter is now 25, and I don't know how either of us would have survived without that time together for all those years.

My father hasn't taken a big part of my life. At some point he went through something that has impaired his mental health. The most I had was playing with him Minecraft on the computer (with different accounts in the same world), I learned from him, but it was the only thing he really taught. Only now he's slowly coming back to who he originally was, before that happened (I can't remember, my mom does remember the difference). All those memories you described, I couldn't imagine them, I couldn't imagine any of them... The most would be remembering a slightly deeper conversation that I asked him about some things (don't remember about what- mostly knowledge), playing with him on the computer, saving me when there's computer and technological errors, it's almost impossible to beat him in board games... And he's mostly on the computer or his phone, or sleeping, or his job, or doing something mom told him to do, and he isn't always great at it... She took the toll of everyone, of my dad's, who was an equal partner who then became a person who needs support. To children with unique minds, on the autistic spectrum, who need more support in a world that isn't built for them. My brother who has social imparements and difficulty speaking (he had hearing problems- it was taken care of), and without forgetting the constant toll of her own mental health that never disappeared. And I- after feeling so neglected and alone for so long- years, decades, I lost my taste for living. I can't talk to my father I don't know what it means "To have a father" I just know what it means to have someone in this role, but I could never imagine a father relationship. I don't know what it means having a father who would really be "there for you", rather than just the few things he did for all those years You could tell me you love your father I would be happy for you But I don't know what it looks like I don't know what it means Another parent that isn't my mom, that would have a full on conversation with me. Only lately there were sometimes he offered me to go and eat ice cream together, that's the most you could say we did together... As father to child. And those were so rare Could you tell me how it feels like?- Having a father *Who's there for you?* I realized I know about my father more than I thought, but I don't know him as a person... I don't know him, as a father. As my father.

A heartfelt Thank you Marilyn for your work and raising awareness on this crucial topic. This is one of the most important struggles and surely the most undervalued that we face in society. One that is simply ignored by mainstream media. The law needs to change yes and whilst it is moving in the right direction we hope it moves quicker. One key point is that until false allegations being made are not punishable, sadly millions of mothers will continue to do it and millions of fathers will give up on fighting them, feeling it is a losing battle or simply impossible to fund. If you are a Father in this situation, you must simply never give up, protect yourself and never stoop to the level of fighting fire with fire with the mother of your children, particularly if she is making false allegations, obstructing contact or alienating you and using your children as a weapon. That is the only way your children will come to learn the truth as they grow, the only way they will be shielded from the situation and the only way you will ensure to have a meaningful relationship with them as they need. It is extremely hard to do the above yes and it will no doubt seem impossible at times but such is life and It is important to understand how much determination it takes - even for an excellent father with a clean record to win this struggle. Any good parent would do almost anything for their children and this above strategy is an example of one of those difficult things you must do, in this scenario as a Father. It is a crucial part of playing your role successfully and in order to win and achieve the best outcome for your children’s sake. 🙏

I can attest to this. and yes, “Advocating for fathers isn’t about diminishing mothers.” TRUE!

As a divorced dad, I crossed the ocean every July and Christmas to be with my daughter who was secretly taken away to Europe from Canada by her mom. Even then the callous mother gave me a hard time putting conditions on visits. It was the most disturbing time of my life. But my love and devotion to her made no obstacle too hard to overcome. Now my daughter is in her 30s and fortunately living happily in Switzerland working as a biological engineer. Love always finds a way.

My father fought for custody of me. So, I ended up switching houses FOUR TIMES A WEEK. I don’t know who came up with that schedule, who insisted on that instead of switching once a week, but I now realize that it was borderline child abuse. And the separation itself was so traumatic, that I just suffered in silence for thirteen years to avoid going through that again. Am I happy that I had both parents in my life? Yes. Does the very idea of being back on that schedule make it feel hard to breathe? Unfortunately. What you can learn from my story is that the interest of the child should be paramount. She admits that fathers don’t know their child’s TEACHERS OR DOCTOR. That’s…disheartening. It’s not the legal system that needs to change first. Fathers need to step up and prove that they are willing to be equal partners. Why would a mother not fight for custody when it felt unsafe to leave the father with the baby for even a night before. And ~96% of fathers don’t even fight for custody! Go work on that statistic before putting your energy into preventing mothers from protecting their children from abusive men by keeping the child hidden and the man off the birth certificate. And I’m glad that the men who step up to be dads can be honored on birth certificates. Because notice that she doesn’t give statistics about WHY someone would be left of the birth certificate. I bet there are a bunch of rapists who would be delighted to further victimize the women they’ve assaulted by forcing her to add their name. While patriarchy does hurt everyone, and not just women, there are many legal protections for women in place that shouldn’t be changed until society changes. Until men change. Not all men, but far FAR too many men.

The older I get the more I see how a dad could have helped me

after 13 years, my friend gets to have his daughter for Christmas this year.

I am a single dad with sole custody. I was fired by my employer for looking after my kids. My “supervisor” who did the termination- a female who missed more work than me tending to her kids. Nobody gives a single damn about dads.

Listening to this on Christmas, leading a household with kids having significant mental health issues. Really needed to hear this today.

this woman is sacred please protect her. As a single father who's child isn't with him I'm in tears.