What the narcissist would say if he were honest 

Well said ! yes I agree with you

Yeah, the weird part is they can't even see it. They literally construct a monologue that you have to "accept" and listen later when they are calm, they will start rationalizing why what they did wasn't bad. Is scary to observe, but is mostly something that they are telling themselves. Like I am not a bad guy, and you, you're nothing I care less if you agree with my narrative that I didn't abuse you.

Just bc you are a narc doesn’t mean that you have good friends. Good friends rely on each other. Every human need people who has their back. If you have good friend you will never be scared of being dependent on them. It takes many many years to get good friends. It’s hard for anyone. Life is lonely also for a empath. Keep working on your self. I think you are being vulnerable here and very few people dare to be honest about how they feel and think. Well done. By the way I think the same way about humans as you do. I see how little people care.

This was the exact issue I was having with my ex. Takes me out, picks a fight. Buys me a gift, ruins the moment by saying something cruel about someone else. Helps me with my fitness goals, criticizes my humor. It would add up over time. I had enough a few weeks ago when he was outwardly disrespectful and callous towards me when introducing me to some of his family, and broke up with him. He was honestly surprised and based on how he’s such a b1tch is probably telling others I used and scammed him. My mom use to think in a similar way, and it made many instances of my childhood with her insufferable bc her kindness became a debt we had to pay. it wasn’t as extreme as the ex however but it was still “I did XYZ for you, so you have to deal with all my negative traits”. They seriously see kind gestures as transactional. It’s like they never experienced love once in their miserable lives.

You just perfectly described my ex. He did this all the time. He would constantly accuse me of being ungrateful and he acted like I didn't have a life before him. He acted like he gave me everything that I had ever had. Well, he acted like my life started with him and everything he gave me was all I'd ever had if that makes sense. This shocked the heck out of me watching this because I was like, that's exactly him.

Goodness ain't that the lesson I need to drive home. Thank you for this ❤

@@lookupyourredemptiondrawsn7285 You ask a great question. I try my best not to give from a place of whether or not I feel someone is deserving because this is being judgmental. Instead, I give to another person from a place of joy that I feel to be able to offer something to another person without them needing to do anything. Then there is no resentment because I am not expecting anything in return.

I just learned this recently

I hope that makes sense ❤

When you always put someone else's needs first, you neglect your own needs. I continually fail to find a 'balance.' It can turn to people pleasing.And I did that. Ya know, the need to be needed. It sucks big time. In gift giving, I feel like I have to give something if greater monetary value or I might be perceived as being cheap. Goddamn people are so fukking complicated. I always end up feeling monumentally confused. Can anyone relate?. I dont know what people want. I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable when people make comments to me that seem inappropriate. Like, 'I want to kiss you'. Or if they say, I want you to kiss me. I've experienced both. And I don't like it. Sometimes I feel very frustrated because I feel caught so off guard with how to respond. Always afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. On the other hand when people try to chase and follow around after me I get offensive and insulting cause I dont like people coming on to me. Mostly. Just depend on how they do it. I probably am a fukking narcissist or BPD, worse yet, both. Feel like a total goddamn loser. I tend to dislike the people who I attract. Like they 'want' what I dont want to give. Such as a kiss or me to kiss them. It's just creepy. Guess I'm done. Just fukking frustrating.

@@mardishores4016 I meant more just things like, not flirting with other people, having boundaries with people of the opposite sex, especially exs that you dont really need to be in contact with. Not sleeping with your friends partner etc etc. To people with npd this seems really unclear as to why it upsets the other person.

@@debral9651 yeah, you're probably right.

Putting someone else’s needs before your own is an illusion. We do it bc we cannot suffer knowing they are suffering - but it’s about our need to not suffer that knowledge It ALL comes back to what’s happening in us

Nice analogy. Imo, of the personality disorders, people with NPD are probably the second most likely to become enslaved to that "black hole" or "hunger". Second only to psychopaths 🥈😬

This was a great series of explanations.

brilliant feedback

​@@sydneysmith2545 I totally agree. He put my thoughts as I watched this into words. I could hear the self defeat clearly as he spoke.

I actually saved that analysis. thank you!

Lyra. I was married to a VN for 20 years. I got him out of the house last fall. If you give your all, you lose yourself and I believe keeps them, and worsens their sense of self via enabling with your staying. I finally had to see him as the before and after man. I still hav a photo of the old him on my fridge, to remember the man that loved me. Y, Ns can love. I came to a realization that I need to consider myself a widow of the loving man. He died and has not been of this earth for many years. I see the dark hearted man as his brother, who is alive and resembles him, has the same voice, but is not him. It was the only way to make myself sane. Im shocked at how well it's working for me.

@@NunYa-db7jy Thank you for your advice it means so much to me. I have also been married to my husband for 20 years and we are still living in the same house as I can’t afford yet to move out. You are right the man I married was not the man that haunts my every move. Thank you for reaching out as you know how lonely and devastating this situation is. Much love

I agree. Looks like he's doing too much work on himself to the point he's heading towards mortification.

😂😂😂 yall silly

Hu tao barista so true i love this dude i believe lot narcissistic psychopath in my family's are self aware but don't want got the help all end up alone there so selfish there not healthy people i believe different levels to people for me there no hope for tham

This is a great insight. I was thinking about something similar to your first point while watching this video. I've had to stop talking to a narcissist in my life and the truth is it's because I realized that not only were they worthy of love, but so was I. And the way I could love both of us was to just stop engaging in all of the toxic drama. I still love them, but from a distance. Just because somebody leaves doesn't mean they don't still care. It may just mean that they realized they need to care for themselves, too. We are all here to learn in life and sometimes the best way for us to learn is to experience trauma, so that we can change and become better versions of ourselves. I don't think most people set out to intentionally hurt others, but it just happens because we are all hurt by different things. My hope is that we can all learn from each other and become better than who we were yesterday, not becoming better than other people. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. I guess I'll stop talking now because I feel like I'm starting to ramble. 😅 I hope everyone can heal from their pain and transmute that energy into a new strength 💪😁

They have to be victims, don't waist your time 😅

Why cant he be sad? I think his sadness and vulnerability is the most beautiful thing about him. Its honest. It's real. Is okay to be sad because of sad things. I think it makes more sense to tell him not to be happy when hes is in pain. I mean wasn't that basically your entire point to begin with?

Yes ! Same !

Your reaction is justified. I have lived 55 years thinking exactly the way you feel about all this and basically I still do but there’s also a conflict in me. I understand today that I can’t except that someone with cerebral palsy could walk like I walk. Exactly the same way I can’t expect that a person with mental health issues or disorders can live up to my expectations. We people need to understand that these people most likely can’t help the fact that they are the way they are. But of course it doesn’t mean that we have to stay in a relationship that destroys us. Better leave quickly but without hate. Just leave and close that door for good.

Unpopular opinion but more people need to use protection and stop having children carelessly. People need to stop raising kids like it’s some fun game with no consequences.. I wish people would do immense work on themselves before having children. Narcissists are victims of circumstance and oftentimes abuse from their own caregivers.

Yep. Narcisist think they're fine to abuse you aka all this horrible tactics, but you dare to even get angry or stop giving supply an watch horror unfold. It is as if, I am allowed to be the bigest piece of shit ever and you have to take it. You are garbage be grateful I have you around to abuse you. Then hbey wondee why noone wants them around. They're literally crazy, their defenses hide their stuff making them effectively nuts cause they erase reality and the things they do.

SPEAK..💯💯❤️🙏💪

👍🏾💥💯....Truth is, we reap what we sow. Demons are invited to enter and take over when we're grossly self centered, egotistical, and lacking in humility. Learning the rules of principled love would unravel this whole thought process thus, freeing the person of the demons that are robbing him of peace and fulfillment more than anyone else. Demonic characteristics are direct evidence of a spiritual problem - if truth was told.

You are allowed to make mistakes just not the big ones like cheating as well.

Unless they also don’t exist .

Not that there IS a true self . Even the crying puking blob of shame is one step removed from the truth There is nobody there It’s turtles all the way down

Yes it’s a hard road to be lonely and not have many Leo around but better a small circle than a big circle ⭕️

'That Love is all there is' 🔥~ by Emily Dickinson, 1830-1886 That Love is all there is, Is all we know of Love; It is enough, the freight should be Proportioned to the groove.

same script - sounds like my mum

A lot of people wonder what narcissists are hiding and these are some things. Some of these things seem to contradict the narcissistic person's actions or persona, but that's exactly the point. If you find these things hard to believe, it's just a testament to how good a narcissist's act can really be. People who are pathologically narcissistic generally have a lot of trouble with emotions - their own and the emotions of others. They have trouble reading and recognizing them, they have trouble understanding them, they have trouble naming or defining them... they just have general trouble in this area. Many narcissistic people struggle with emotional regulation and find their emotions scary or overwhelming. Others are so disconnected from them that they may be unaware that they are feeling them or what they mean. Many of the coping mechanisms we see in pathologically narcissistic people can be the result of these emotional troubles, such as projection, gaslighting, idealization, devaluing or discarding others and more. For example, at the core of the pathologically narcissistic personality is deep-seated shame and this drives an enormous amount of their behavior, often completely unbeknownst to them. This shame wears many masks and can look like many things, including rage, jealousy, envy, paranoia, self-aggrandizement, egotism and more. When dealing with people who are truly narcissistic, it's important to remember that, even though this person may be intelligent, well-spoken and chronologically a grown up, you are likely dealing with someone who is using a maladapted, dysfunctional adult version of the emotional coping and regulation skills of a toddler (or even younger child). This does not excuse their behavior in any way, but it can make it a little easier to understand. They are not who they pretend to be - ever, At first glance, narcissistic people often present themselves as very different from who they really believe themselves to be. It's not a great act, nor is it capable of withstanding much scrutiny at all, but it can be very misleading if someone is not looking closely. It is often said that narcissistic people tell on themselves, and this is true - but if you don't know what to look for, you might miss it. For example, the narcissist that is striving to come across as confident and self-assured can be very convincing, but if you pay attention, you will notice there are holes in the performance. Because they are only pretending to be what they think is acceptable or admirable, they don't always get it right. They may be a little too braggadocios, a little too assertive, a little too self-assured. This overacting is very common, regardless of what image they are trying to project. That's because this projected image is an overcompensation for the self-hatred, weakness, insecurity, helplessness or whatever else they feel that they are trying to hide. It isn't genuine. So the helpless victim is a little too helpless or has a few too many hard luck stories, the happy-go-lucky person is a little too happy-go-lucky, the tough guy is a little too tough, the sensitive lover is a little too solicitous. These may in fact be actual facets of their personality, but they often seem overblown and superficial because they are being used as a diversion from other things and in their own way, they are as over-the-top as all of the other facets of the narcissist's personality. Remember that people who truly have a quality don't have to try so hard to prove it to everyone else, and make note of behavior that contradicts the image. Someone who is happy and confident doesn't need to hurt others when they are upset. They aren't jealous or envious. Someone who is in control and self-assured doesn't need to control others. They don't need to play power games. In general, people who really are whatever narcissists are pretending to be don't act the way narcissists act. They don't like themselves very much. Contrary to popular belief, narcissists are not overflowing with self-esteem. They are chronically self-focused and they are self-important, but that isn't the same thing. When it comes to how they truly feel about themselves, narcissists are generally at the extreme low end of the spectrum. Toxic narcissism is not the result of having too much self-esteem or self-worth. It's the result of having virtually none at all, and no ability to create any. Pathologically narcissistic people are like very young children in this way; they rely on others to reflect who they are back to them because they lack the ability to form a true and stable self-concept on their own. The inability to do this is a pretty serious handicap for a human being and it requires narcissists to use other people's reactions to them as a way to try to create some approximation of self-worth. This primitive survival mechanism is called mirroring, and it is the main function of other people in a narcissist's life. Regardless of the relationship, this is the main purpose of it. Not only do pathologically narcissistic people have no self-worth to speak of, they are often consumed with self-hatred and shame surrounding who they are. This is what is behind all of their paranoia, jealousy, envy, rage, devaluation, discarding, all of their false selves and more. If you love yourself - if you truly love and accept yourself - you don't need to create a false self to show other people because you would know that who you are is good enough. Once again, make note of behavior that contradicts the image you're being presented with. It can be hard to believe this, depending on the individual you might be dealing with, but that just shows how good the act really can be; many of them are extremely adept at hiding it. They've had to be. It's how they've survived. And some are so disconnected from their inner landscape and from their feelings that they sincerely may not even realize this is the case. However, if we pay attention to the narcissist and we understand what we are looking at, if we learn to see the misdirection and the misleading for what these really are, it becomes impossible to miss. They are afraid. It can be hard to see at first sometimes, depending on how they react to things but to the astute observer it becomes very obvious after a while. Fear is one of the narcissistic person's biggest motivations - even if they don't realize it. Many people believe it's power or control, and that's true on its face, but what is behind the desire for power or control? What makes someone feel they need it so badly? The answer is fear. Fear of being powerless, fear of being out of control, fear of not being able to meet their own needs. Fear for their own survival. They also fear the huge amounts of deep-seated pathological shame they are usually carrying around. This is often mistaken for remorse (by the narcissist and those around them), but it isn't. Remorse is for other people and is usually connected to empathy. Shame is for the self and is not connected to empathy in any way; it's all about them. It also usually has nothing to do with anything they've actually done. It may seem connected, but only tangentially; the thing they've been called out for is not the real focus, nor is the hurt they caused other people. Being called out for triggers the shame of being thought of as a bad person who does bad things. It is another example of how horrible they are. This thought process does not really address or even acknowledge the wrong they've done to the other person, though this can be difficult to see at first. Their focus is on them, and it stays there. The shame experienced by truly narcissistic people is generally of tidal wave proportions and with no coping mechanisms to deal with it except various manifestations of avoidance and denial, they live in fear of being unable to outrun it one day. Many narcissists are often afraid of other people, too. They fear trusting anyone or caring about people, and they fear allowing others to care about them. These "good" feelings inevitably trigger "bad" ones, and they are unable to deal with the emotional fallout and confusion that follows. They enjoy someone acting as if they care, but if someone says they care, they must be lying. If someone really does care, there must be something wrong with them. This seems to be experienced by narcissists as feelings for - and opinions about - the other person, rather than as the self-hatred it actually is, and it is reacted to the same way. The other person is treated as the source of the confusion, and they are blamed for it. Inside, the narcissist cannot understand or take ownership of their feelings and looks around for ways others are causing them to feel the way they do.

Narcissists don't really understand how the world works, how other people operate and most importantly, how they themselves operate. So many are simply walking around imitating what they see others do to get their needs met and often making a big mess of things because they don't truly get it. They can't trust others, they can't trust themselves and they have nothing real to base anything on because of the instability of their identities. This is scary. They know something is wrong. Part of the reason they are afraid and one of the biggest things they are hiding is the fact that they are sure they are different than others. Not just different, in fact; bad. One of the reasons the narcissist creates the false persona is because they are convinced that they are so unlovable and disgusting that they have to pretend to be someone else in order to be accepted on any level. Many people think this is true, that what they are hiding is their "evil" or abusive side, but that isn't actually the case. The evil, abusive side is the 2nd level of protection for what they are actually hiding: the weak, helpless, infantile core of unlovable, disgusting, horrible filth they believe themselves to be. Truly narcissistic people are the most self-loathing people on the planet, whether they act like it or not. The false persona exists for the same reason the abusive side exists: both of these are reactions to needing to hide and protect who they really believe themselves to be. The false persona is the smiling greeter, inviting you in to the house and the abusive side is the 85lb attack dog in front of the doors you are not allowed to go in. Both of these things are real in their own way and both are also fake in their own way; all of the sides you see are actual parts of who they could have actually been if their identity were not fractured the way it is. But they are not stable. What's behind those guarded doors is as close to the real truth as you can get with a pathological narcissist. And the majority of the time, it's inaccessible - even to them. That attack dog doesn't just attack outsiders who try to get in those doors. It attacks the narcissist, too. That's one of the reasons they are so miserable. They are very unhappy people. Narcissistic people have a shot at being the most unhappy people on the planet. It's not a surprise. They are terrified, self-loathing people who have only rigid, maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the really serious problems they are facing. Consequently, they become stuck in mindsets that are harmful, self-sabotaging, damaging or unrealistic but don't realize it. Because they are so afraid and so avoidant and because it's a pathology, they do not realize these things and continue to believe others are simply spoiling it for them somehow - either for no reason or because the narcissist's self-hatred causes them to believe that everyone else hates them as well. This usually triggers massive anger, depression and resentment on top of their already-existing dysregulated or completely disowned emotions. None of this is a recipe for happiness. Pathologically narcissistic people are in a constant state of survival mode and because of the rigidity of their beliefs and inability to adapt, most have lost any true capacity for happiness, if they ever had it all. They seem to view themselves as helpless boats adrift on the sea of life, unable to do anything but react to what they perceive is being done to them. Even when they seem to be taking action, investigation usually shows us that they are actually reacting to their own emotions or beliefs, which they often interpret as things other people have done to them. Anyone would be unhappy with that mindset and the rigidity of pathological narcissistic traits makes it extremely difficult for this to change. The arrested emotional development that we usually see in this kind of personality makes it hard for them to even see any of this - let alone change it, and the maladaptive coping mechanisms cause them to perceive harmful intentions in people who try to help. This is what narcissists generally want in relationships. Narcissistic personalities generally want people to see them in a very specific way. This could be as perfect, the victim, as a hero, a scary villain, a martyr. Whatever role they prefer to seize themselves in either overall or in whatever specific situations. They want to be seen this way all the time regardless of any evidence to the contrary. They may even appear to almost be behaving according to a script where every scenario and interaction is interpreted through this fantasy image that they've attached themselves to and any deviation from this script on the part of other people is reacted to extremely negatively. Pathologically narcissistic people generally have unstable or even non-existent identities. attaching identity to a two-dimensional often very stereotypical approximation of a person is sort of like their attempt to have one. We say attaching here because creating implies creation and these superficial stereotyped images of good and bad people already exist. The Narcissist did not invent them they did not create them they're just kind of attaching identity to these images in an attempt at self-definition because the identity is unstable. This false projection of identity is like a static image or a still photograph in that it doesn't change, it's often very rigid and inflexible. It doesn't have the nuance and the depth a real identity has and doesn't appear to be capable of absorbing new information or evolving. It's like a caricature of a real person even when they take on a new one it will still have those characteristics, it won't change it's not malleable and it doesn't evolve. Other people are essentially required to interact with and react to this False Image as if that's who the narcissist really is regardless of whether that's supported by reality or not. Failing to do that usually results in very negative reactions such as being punished for not behaving as if the narcissist is the victim in a situation even when it's very clear that they're not. This false projection is essential to narcissistic people it's much more than just a mask they wear to manipulate others. Manipulating others into believing that the narcissist is a decent blameless powerful person is necessary, but mostly so that they can then believe that themselves. It's a survival adaptation and it is extremely important. Words like infantile underdeveloped and childish are referring to lacking things that develop with maturity, such as conscious evolved empathy, self-reflection, the ability to act with agency, taking accountability and responsibility for one's own actions stuff like that. It is in no way implied that narcissistic personalities are like children in that they are innocent or that they don't understand that the things they are doing are wrong but they do have arrested emotional development..

Narcissists are also looking for people who will take more responsibility for them and for the relationship than they should or people who allow them to perform in this role regardless of their inability to actually do so. It may even be both things at different times or in different situations in the same relationship. This can look like blaming other people for their own actions, claiming sabotage or that they can't succeed because someone's always ruining it for them, insisting on helping people who don't actually want help, refusing to make decisions or insisting on making all the decisions (even when they've demonstrated that they have neither the knowledge nor the maturity to make such decisions) Regardless of how it occurs the underlying motive for this appears to be the same. They need to be in control and feel that they have power. However even those that insist on taking the reins and making all the decisions May often need to be bailed out when their own ineptitude arrogance or failure to act has caused negative or serious consequences. This is a person who deeply desires to have control and power in all situations but very often lacks the maturity and ability among other things to capably do that. As a result they often need other people to assume the lead take the blame or at the very least be willing to clean up the resulting mess. Others are blamed when things go wrong and ignored when things go right. Their function is to create an environment where the narcissist can do whatever they want while taking no accountability or responsibility whatsoever for anything. This is very much like the mindset of a child who rightfully so assumes that everything they need will be provided through no action or effort of their own. They don't even think about it. This kind of entitled dependence is necessary for children, it is absolutely disastrous in an adult. Another sign of this type of dependence and also very much like a small child is that narcissists assume they will be put first in any and all situations and that their needs are Paramount. They're the most important no matter what. An assumption is different than a belief. A belief is like an opinion in that there is an understanding that some people might feel differently or that they don't agree with you. The narcissist's importance is understood as an assumed fact that everyone is not just aware of but also agrees with. Children assume that they are always the center of everyone's focus and so do narcissists. They are shocked and confused when this is not the case. They often conclude that they're being mistreated when they're not the focus of everything and they may become very angry. It is sadly and deeply ironic that the very fact that many narcissists are so dependent on others is one of the reasons they are so bitterly resentful. They want to be independent but they can't. They need you in a very real way and they hate you for that they hate themselves for it too, because this is a sign of weakness in their opinion. Narcissistic personalities generally detest weakness in everybody, especially themselves. Even those who legitimately believe in their own undemonstrated abilities and even are able to achieve a level of success are dependent on others in some way to make things work. This is a source of great shame for them and it's one of the reasons these relationships are doomed to failure. They hate you for the exact thing they need you to do, but they'll also hate you if you refuse to do it because they need you to do it. It's a projection of fear and self-loathing regarding being dependent and you are going to carry the brunt of that. Another thing narcissists want is for people not to require anything of them. They are most comfortable in situations where they're allowed to under function and underperform often drastically but still have power and control and still receive praise for their performance. Many of these personalities are sort of primitive in many respects they don't have very much to give at all. so they are most comfortable and feel safest in relationships where they're not required to do so because being asked to give is threatening when you have zero ability to do so. Being asked to give is a threat if you don't have anything to give. A common complaint of narcissistic personalities is that people require too much of them especially in relationships. This is not the result of laziness per se but it's rather due to inability. Narcissistic personalities are often quite underdeveloped in many ways and because of this they usually have serious difficulty meeting their own needs let alone the needs of other people. They are dependent on relationships with other people but they can have extreme difficulty sustaining these relationships unless the other person is willing to do virtually all of the work. This means that others need to not only carry all of the emotional burden but they are frequently tasked with making life perfect so that the narcissistic personality can function. This results in narcissists often complaining and probably genuinely believing that being required to do anything even basic adult functioning is too much. This can come across as arrogance and entitlement "I'm here and my mere presence should be good enough you ungrateful person" and maybe that's even how they frame it to themselves but when we look deeper what we so often find is that beyond their presence these personalities have not very much to offer at all to a relationship and they know it. As with so many things about these people they're hoping to hide that because they know that relationships with other people (which they are dependent on for survival) aren't going to continue if they can't hide it. Their hope seems to be that they can charm or bamboozle, shame, abuse other people into not seeing it or not caring about it and it often works for a time. It doesn't work forever though because it's impossible to hide that you cannot perform at an adult level in a relationship. As soon as the relationship moves past superficial people can see that. They might not realize what they're seeing but they do see it. Narcissists therefore attempt to control other people they have to try to stop that from happening. Like I mentioned these personalities are generally pretty fearful. They fear they're going to be abandoned or rejected and they're dependent upon other people for survival. That means rejection and abandonment equals Death. This is perhaps similar to the process that causes babies to cry when they need something. Lack of attention from the caregiver results in the baby not surviving. Crying induces the caregiver to do something to stop the crying, being able to procure the caregiver's attention equals survival. For pathologically narcissistic personalities rejection and abandonment are much more than just things that hurt their feelings or upset them or cause them to lose control. They appear to be dependent on the attention and input of others in a similar way the babies are. This is a survival situation in feeling powerless over your survival is very scary narcissists, therefore attempt to control other people in order to make sure they will get what they need. The majority of their behavior is geared towards this and virtually all of their toxic abusive Behavior boils down to trying to control other people in some way. We often hear that narcissistic personalities thrive on abuse but it's perhaps more accurate to say that because they are driven by fear. They thrive on control and they absolutely will use abuse to achieve that. Their behavior may not appear to be fear driven but the reason human beings will feel an outsized need for power and control is a deep seated fear that they don't have any power. It can become an addiction yes, but addiction is an attempt to self-regulate. It's an attempt to make the self feel better. The question becomes feel better about what? the answer seems to be the feeling that they have no power that they don't matter, that they're not special or important or scary or whatever else they're trying to be.

Narcissists they want, whatever that is. Doesn't matter if it inconveniences or even hurts other people. . They may attach irrational beliefs and disproportionate importance to getting what they want, even when it's something small. If they don't get it it can provoke shame "maybe they don't deserve it then" in their black and white way of looking at things good people always get what they want and bad people don't deserve it so they don't get it or maybe it's because someone has a personal Vendetta against them. After all they are in fact the center of the universe. They may feel a lack of power and control when they're not giving what they want and this can create extreme reactions. When they're told "No" or even just "not right now". These reactions aren't only the result of these things either along with the severe emotional dysregulation. These reactions are also designed to force other people to give the narcissists what they want. It is a temper tantrum. The wounded dysfunctional and immature ego is screaming. This person has all of these internal reactions to what they assume and they perceive is happening with no way to deal with any of it and no desire to learn a way to deal with any of it as they seem to see it. The only way for them to feel better is not to learn emotional regulation skills, patience, frustration tolerance or anything else that they might need to do. The only way for them to feel better is to be given what they want by whoever or whatever will not give it to them. If you are not going to do that you are now the cause of their bad feelings, you're making them suffer or trying to screw them over somehow or you're denying them what they need and this is not going to go unpunished. They need to make sure others are going to do what they need and if you don't give them what they want that's a sure sign this is not going to happen. Attaching so much importance to being given what they want is not just about these things either. Narcissists want validation from other people and being given what they want is part of that. In a very real way narcissists Farm other people for validation which they legitimately need for survival since the personality's ability to sustain itself are so limited. Some people refer to this as narcissistic Supply. Pathologically narcissistic personalities cannot create, sustain or regulate their own self worth, self image. They don't appear to be able to experience the reality of themselves except through the input and the reactions of other people. They don't seem to have anything of their own, again this is similar to what we see with very small children who are dependent upon the reflections of themselves that they receive from caregivers in order to form a self-concept. If people ignore me do I really exist? if people see me differently than I see myself what am I really? if people don't react to me and do what I want do I have any power at all over anything, how are my needs ever going to be met? if others don't agree with me do I really know anything? if others are not bad am I really good? if others are not wrong am I Really Right? Narcissists are seeking validation of these things and much more but because there's such limited ability they need to perpetually seek it out over and over and over again anytime something happens that challenges these things. Narcissists appear to be seeking an endless stream of yes you exist, yes you are important, yes you matter, yes you have power, yes you are right, yes you are a victim, yes you are the hero, yes I feel sorry for you, yes I am afraid of you, yes I see you as you demand to be seen, yes.. yes.... yes. Of course this is not realistic in any relationship of any kind. For example, even though we strive to validate them as much as possible even children must be corrected sometimes. This is intolerable for narcissistic personalities, but instead of trying to find understanding or strike a balance they instead look for somebody or something else that will provide them with what they need. They just flee the situation, whether permanently or for a little while. This is part of the mechanism behind smear campaigning For example not only are they looking to control the narrative and hurt the other person they need people to believe and agree with them with their side of it. Narcissists don't seem to have much interest in other people at all Beyond securing validation. Interactions are almost completely one-sided and transactional. They're trying to get something from the other person or the other people and that's it. People are often confused by this because for example during the idealization phase it might look like narcissists are giving as much as they are getting..They're not. It's not a difficult thing for them to put so much energy into something with such a high return and if we pay attention what we often find is that they're really not giving anything of substance anyway. Its usually generic flattery, grandiose gestures that don't really actually create or perpetuate intimacy and you're doing it in exchange for time spent basking in the glow of someone who thinks that they're amazing. It's worth it to do so little in exchange for what they need. If they get what they need they will likely keep coming back and it's not uncommon for them to exhaust people with their demands for attention. if they don't get what they're looking for they generally move on pretty quickly. This is too important and the need is too constant to waste time on a well that gives no water. If they used to get it and now they feel like they no longer do, which happens in virtually all narcissistic relationships eventually. This may be met with severe retaliation and Punishment up to and including walking away from the relationship, known as devaluation and discard or attempts to re-establish some idealization and resecure the relationship to get what they still can out of it. This is sometimes called hoovering. Narcissistic people are dependent upon relationships with people who would take responsibility for them. Who will see them in a specific way, regardless of the facts. Who will put them first and essentially create an environment for them where they are in complete control of everything and can live a fantasy life which they never have to hear or see or face or do anything they don't want to see or hear or face or do because they can't deal with it. They feel justified in doing whatever they need to do in order to ensure that this happens up to and including harming other people. They view other people as objects and extensions of themselves so other people's rights and needs and feelings or anything else are not even on the radar. If they do know it's there it means absolutely nothing to them. There's no way to give these personalities what they want because what they want is not realistic, reasonable or even possible. if you are dealing with a pathologically narcissistic person you're dealing with more than just a person who is stubborn,abusive and selfish. You're dealing with a person who is simply not willing and likely not even capable of functioning as a parent, partner, sibling, co-worker, boss, friend. Nobody can give them what they want and nobody ever could. They will blame you and they will say that you're the reason that they're unhappy or that things didn't work out but that's not the reality. it's just what they believe.

I think there are certain predispositions that cause people with personality disorders to overreact to small issues, making them larger over time. Unfortunately, the longer you practice this, the tougher it is to cure (which is still a hundred percent possible)