I think the real issue is black men at that age aren’t taught to look for wives. They seem to be waiting until their 30s in recent years. Most of the white people I’ve worked with are getting married at 26-28 and we’re still trying to find a man that’s not playing games.
I’ll be encouraging my daughter to also date outside of her race for this reason. In 2024, why are Black women still making life decisions based on Black men? It’s not logical at this point.
My sister and I are 16 years apart. When she was on her way to college my mother told her to find a husband. By the time I went my mother told me to get my education so that I can always take care of myself. I think the woman liberation movement changed how women moved. Culturally we move different. We don’t even have the support systems in our communities to promote marriages.
@@jaybae7315no babe, some of them were just teaching what they’d been taught to believe . Sadly by the time some of your moms and grandmas realized that they’d been sold a horror tale, they’d already taught it to their daughters and granddaughters…
That is a good point. I still think it is much much easier to find a husband in college. Now, most of my people that got married in college is now on their second spouse.
Only aspect missing from this convo is that while Black women are raised to be BOTH independent & great spouses, the men are taught nothing of family & community. The marriage rates amongst us aren't low of our own volition. While people RUN to the notion of women "not needing a man for nothing" ( despite me NEVER hearing us say that), we have to be honest with the reasons why we move the way we move in regards to education & partnership. That young, white lady you mentioned most like felt extremely secure in her situation. Something a lot of us do not experience.
💯 Black women have fewer options at every level of the process. We would be more inclined toward an “Mrs” degree out of college if we were in the company of eligible like-minded men.
Black women can find more marriage eligible men when they date out. Interracially dating is where Black women are winning.. I know because I am Black woman with a white, Latin husband and my nieces are with white husbands and my mama bf is Latin.
@@pthesmith Right. The rate of black young men going to college is far lower than that of black young women, so you may need to expand your options regarding an acceptable mate.
Just had this discussion with my daughter. One of my regrets when I was in college. Nursing school was too damn stressful to be worried about a man. Definitely didn’t go to school looking for a husband. My ass was tunnel vision making sure I got my degree. Honestly I thought I would find a mate once I became a nurse.. unfortunately my ass still SINGLE
Girrrrlllll I’m in law enforcement so I feel you!!!! I tell young girls all the time save your body and save the unnecessary mileage on it! I’m willing to sacrifice myself and tell my story so these younger women including my daughter can know! Marriage is important!
I had this conversation with my niece, who just started college. I told her to go for the business, engineer and pre-med student, and leave the athletes alone.
Boom! My daughter graduated in May and now in grad school pursuing her Doctorate in Psychology. She is not interested in dating right now. Her focus is her career and self. I applaud her. We have generations of unwed women and a bunch of babies in our family. I educated her at a young age to focus on you and your life choices. Choose wisely cause who you reproduce with could be not a good fit. Im happy that my baby is not making me a young grandmother😂😂😂and i am thankful that my daughter dont have any relationship issues, cause she dont date🤣🤣🤣 She said another reason why she dont is because she dont want to deal with baby sitting a persons feelings🤣
This is so true. White sororities call it a “Ring before Spring”. I’m in graduate school now and one of my white classmates saw my Delta bag and we started talking about sororities. I asked her if ring before spring was real and she said hell yeah! They unapologetically look for husbands to be that are up and coming professionals. Their parents encourage them to get their MBA and Mrs.! They get married in their early-mid 20s, I didn’t get married until I was 30 and so did most of my friends.
omg I realized this when I was close to graduation journalism school at the Univ of FL --all my classmates were white girls with a few exceptions and all they talked about was planning their weddings. It hit me then, I was like oh so they come to school for a husband. I had my head down trying to get into law school. 20 years later still not married and I have a 3 yo. I missed the memo
I attended a PWU in the South, and we referred to it as, “oh she’s here for her BA and BMW!” Meaning she was there for a degree and a husband that could put her in a BMW. It was a very well known fact some girls were there for a husband first and majoring in something to support themselves secondary.
Both of my daughters ended up meeting their husbands at the college they attended. It wasn't planned - it just happened. I do recall when giving them the "going away to college" talk, I mentioned how they should conduct themselves while at school and telling them you never know. - - you may meet your husband there, which would be a good thing because that means he has goals.
I met my husband in college and so did most of my friends. What you told your daughters is pretty much what Caribbean parents tell us. We are told, conduct yourself properly because your potential husband is on campus. So we moved with the intention of walking out with a degree and a mate😂
🫂 My parents never gave me any advice too. Became a teen mom at 15, Barely ever saw my father. Still havent seen him in 17 years. I found my husband in school too.. still 👌🏾… I didnt try to. My mindset was changed bc of a guidance counselor who i admired as a woman and a mother. She told me that i nevr had a family , so i would have to make one, make it a good one, one that MY daughter wouldnt be searching for. after that conversation…family was my top priority. and my career choice worked around that…i knew that when i dated someone i needed to make sure he was great husband material. i see a lot of girls look for great father material but that’s wrong… bc good fathers arent necessarily good husbands. Nothing helps a mother be a great mother like a good husband. mannn that support is crazy. And one of my top qualities of a good husband is being a good father . I think this mindset can work at any age or stage in life.
It’s the fairytale “happy ever after” that’s taught to all of us. Unfortunately a lot of black households experience more horror and hardship than fairytales growing up. So it’s instilled not to depend on anyone else.
Q, if we’re honest, previously there was no conversation in most Black households about Love or Relationships growing up (less “Stop being fast” “don’t do it” or “chile is t’s just puppy love”) so there was NO convo about post-HS lifestyle.
Only healthy families can pass on good teachings to their children. I come from a broken family of trama whereby the norm is being a single mother struggling. Nobody in my family is successfully married. So therefore I couldn't expect to be taught how to find a successful mate. I've had to unlearn alot of things from childhood. I'm starting to understand many of these things now as a woman in my late 30s. Great video Q.
Agree. I disciplined myself to NOT repeat what my momma & dem did--single struggle mothes. So I focused myself on educating myself, not looking for "men".
I think a lot of this also leans itself to privilege. I don't know one black person that didn't have to work while going to college when I was going. Many white people don't have to work while in school. They can actually be engaged in a lot of things to meet someone. I can say my time in college was probably one of the most stressful times I have ever had to deal with. Between being broke, working, studying, and just trying to survive on the daily didn't leave enough time to be thinking about dating anyone. I think majority of black men and women are always in survival mode that relationships for us can be somewhat of an hindrance rather than a gain in our lives.
Yes to all of this! I work full time and I’m finishing my degree. Me getting in a relationship right now would truly be a hinderance. I don’t plan on dating until I am completely done. I am in no rush to date and get married. I’m still working on myself and healing. I’ll be 26 in a few months and I couldn’t imagine getting married right now.
You are absolutely right. There are many layers to this and income inequity is at the core. There are still a high number of Black students who are first-generation college students. They are on scholarships and several have limited resources in comparison to white students. They have to work and/or maintain a high GPA. While in college, they are often thinking about how their degree can raise the quality of life for their immediate family. Black people rarely have the luxury of finishing college and camping out on a low-wage campus job awaiting the love of our life. Let's be real here.
We are raised very differently than white people. For starters- we are made to feel bad (not me) for wanting to marry a high value man. Every other culture raise their daughters to marry up. Right wrong or indifferent…it’s a fact.
YES!!! My family is from the Deep South and we were told to go to college to get our B.S. and our MRS. and now that I have a daughter in college I tell her that while getting your education, also remember to make connections, meet people and don’t doubt that your future husband may just be on your campus or one nearby. So that means conduct yourself accordingly and watch his moves as well. Marriage builds wealth and with the right choices that can be her (their) path.
Today we're not as blunt about it. It's a fact that the pool of people you meet while in college is exceptional and keeping your eyes, mind and heart open is a smart move.
I definitely think it is a southern thing as well as a white thing in other areas. I went to a college in the country, about an hour from a big city. The white girls who went to my school were from other small towns near the college town. After school it was like clockwork, they were all wives within that first year or two. Even the women I worked at the bank with who weren’t even 20. MARRIED. The black girls that you just knew came from better circumstances but also from small towns. MARRIED. And not always married to a boy from the school, it was sometimes boys they went to high school with. Boys that turned into men who work the farms or doing auto work. My other black peers were busy with popularity and sex. They didn’t even want to be in relationships. A girlfriend of mine and I were seeing it happen and she goes “white girls are taught to marry early.” I happened to meet my husband online and within two years we were married. But then again he’s a country boy.
I went to law school. I swore I would meet my husband there. I didn't meet my husband until my mid 30's. It was a mad dash to have kids. I'm in my mid 40's now. Glad it finally happened but for many years I thought I'd be single forever
While Black people are pedalstalizing White women for marrying young they are ignoring the divorce rates. Not all of them have successful marriages. That also goes for Black women who marry young too.
After seeing my father hold his wallet over my mom’s head in a toxic marriage, I knew I never wanted to be financially dependent on a man and attended college to achieve that. Finding a mate wasn’t even a concern.
I found my ex husband in college but not on purpose. Got married in my mid 20s and 11 years later, got divorced. While it's a great place to meet a large pool of men, you do still have so much learning to do. The person I was at 20 is not the woman I am at 39 and if you don't have a partner that you can grow with, it's hard! While dating is harder the older you get, you have much better perspective.
Thank you for this… I’m like the marriage success rate isn’t all that great… so what is it for ppl that got married that young? Ppl change a lot and their brains aren’t even developed!
I feel the same way. It's a catch 22 ..bigger pool, more access, and more time to date. But, the brain isn't even fully developed. I married someone I met toward the end of college but, divorced after 6 years.
I love this conversation funky. As black women in particular, we are pushed to get our diploma and stay focused. Then magically at 25 we are expected to magically conjure up this dream man. I do wish that black families set their daughters up for success in the relationship department.
I'm glad you brought this up as singledom is on everyone's radar lately. Some years ago there was an article written from the perspective from a black child that stated "Black people don't get married". I posted this to my FB page to get others opinions. At the same time I came across a movie with Julia Roberts called "Mona Lisa Smile" where white women attended Wellsley College in Massachusetts however the goal was marriage even though they were attaining degrees. Attaining the man was always the goal for whites while blacks attended college for totally different reasons. As women, especially black women we have been taught to have your own shit and never depend on a man because we have been disappointed over and over again. On the contrary our white counterparts are taught to totally rely on a man especially if you choose right. This conversation can get so deep from why black women were constantly disappointed to why we are labeled gold diggers if we require more from our man. We as black women have to "struggle" with our man to show we are down and supportive and then when he finally makes it or comes up then we are worthy of the kingdom...white women get it out the gate...it shouldn't have to be this way for black women smh. Alot of choices black women make are out of survival (going to college included) 🤷🏾♀️
So why aren't more Black women dating out??? As a Black woman with a white, Hispanic husband I starting to see more Black women with non-Black husbands but...not enough in my opinion. We need to understand the reality of choices the Black males offer and start to move on and around.
I wished I was taught this. I went to college and was so focused on graduating early and career. I am now 50 . Have had some terrible relationships along the way but missed out on focusing on social. I laughed at one friend who attached herself to one of the smartest guy that we knew. She got married immediately after graduation and they are doing well.
I'm so glad I didn't find my husband in college. I got to experience so much growth and self discovery after college. My girlfriends and I had so much fun dating and partying in my 20s and I wouldn't change it for anything. It was like being in a black "Sex in the City". I don't think anyone should get married before 30. Dating a college student vs a grown man with a job and his own place teaches you a lot about what you like and don't like. I got married at 31 and have no regrets.
Agree. I loved doing my own thing in my 20’s. I knew since I was a teenager I wouldn’t be bothered with kids /marriage till my 30’s and I’m glad I stuck with it with ease.
@@aneshaelizabeth I love this for you! Please keep that attitude because even though I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I always had that worried thought in the back of my mind if marriage would happen for me. So when I did get engaged, I mourned my single life because I wasn't mentally fully present in it. Enjoy having your own space, decorating how you want to, cereal for dinner lol, making major purchases that you want, the butterflies of meeting a new guy, ALL THE THINGS. Because when this season is over, it's over ✌
That WW took a BIG RISK in doing that & as a WW I'm sure he pedestaled her in a way that made her feel comfortable enough to do that & wait for him. Cuz I know that when Sistas take chances like that we lose out. To other women or WW like ya friend's GF. When we go to school we have a timeline to get that degree, make our family/community proud & getting a career GOING. Our community should be promoting MARRIAGE as a way to uplift each other & the community as a whole. BW can be seeking mates but if BM don't WANT to get married then it's a 1 sided losing game.
Video ain’t even got started yet, but NOPE. I’m a Black girl that went to college with A LOT of Black girls and we were there to get our own bag. I went to an HBCU and I did hear about finding your husband in college, but that didn’t happen for so many of the girls I knew. We were all very career driven and that’s how we were raised. As a doctoral student, my research so far has shown that college is still worth it based on an income calculator I found in an article (can’t remember the exact publication) but it’s still worth it. Those individuals that go to college make millions more over their lifetime versus those that don’t go to college. I dare to say your commentary and perspective might not be the same if you had not went down to Florida State University to get your degree in economics, which is one component that makes you so successful in this space. We love the intellectual Q! Anyway-as always, loved the convo!
This is absolutely true. 90% of my Caucasian friends say that their parents told them to just get a basic degree like psychology or sociology that they can fall back on if need be, but they should focus on getting their M-R-S degree. And they also tell them go ahead and get married and have their kids by 30. I was something totally different and here I am unmarried and not a mother at age 34. Granted I have degrees, a great job, and have accomplished a whole lot by my age but there’s no one to share it with. I have to actually agree with their logic.
Girl! My life! Only I have reached that point where it's no longer safe to have children, something I've always wanted. I'm ngl, I'm low-key bitter abt it
@@kaybee5445okay! I’m just about to hit my bitter Bettie space lol I’ve been patient and tried not to let it get the best of me While everyone around me was getting married and having children while the only milestone I have had in the family arena is adding a puppy to my life. It is discouraging and disappointing but it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
Same girl!! But don't count yourself out. I told myself I wasn't going to put that much pressure on myself to be a mom. If it's in God's will, it will happen in His timing. @@kaybee5445
I can only speak for myself, but since women outnumber men on campus and the number is even higher sometimes at HBCUs some of those men were not looking to get married. The men in my network have serious girlfriends but haven’t gotten married (mid 20s). Also historically black people don’t have money to waste. I was always told to focus on my grades.
This is the comment I was looking for. I attended an HBCU, but didn’t meet my husband until graduate school. When I was in undergrad, I don’t think many of men in my class were interested, nor had the maturity level to focus on marriage. This was 2012.
I feel this is a better question to ask of black men and males. They control marriage and proposals but somehow all of the pressure to get married falls on black women. We can not control whether these men are proposing or not. On the contrary most them are being lied to and told they are going to hit their stride at 45 😭, and therefore are not interested in marriage.
I came from a non denominational and very spiritual background with parents who have been together for over 40 years. When I went to college this was my first experience really dating, but I looked at every guy that I dated with the intent of marriage, which was wrong on sooooo many levels. Long story short, I’m single with one 18 year old child, and I realize my perception of marriage was just a fantasy, because I’m 40 now, and due to my experiences, I relish my alone time. I like companionship, but I’d much rather spend the rest of my life with me. I’m committed to me.
There’s a difference between planning marriage in UR head and picking the marrying kind. Don’t give up on love though sis. Sometimes one enjoys being alone after a while it gets lonely.
Met my husband spring of my freshman year. Ironically enough it was my white roommate who encouraged me date him. While my black girlfriend thought I was being too serious too fast now 12 years later we celebrated 11 years of marriage and just had our first child. My roommate and her boyfriend at that time married who she was dating at that time, and they have a child thats 2 years old. Meanwhile, my black girlfriends are now single or single moms.
@NaijaMonroe My husband is black. In reference to "being too serious," I was exclusively dating my husband. I didn't have the "hoe phase." So, in their eyes, I was too serious.
Sad that your girlfriends tried to convince you to "be single and hoe around". If you saw his potential, I'm glad y'all went for it and now it's benefitted you. 👍🏽
@janellmd I don't fault them, though. You don't know what you don't know until you learn better. They simply did what many of us do and went to college to have fun. Am I sure they got out of it what they wanted. I definitely wasn't looking to be anyone Mrs but life had other plans. I'm fortunate to share my life with someone who wants me to win.
I went to college in Alabama, Alabama A&M to be exact. Most of the girls that went to the neighboring college, Oakwood University (a Christian HBCU), were taught to go to school for this very reason: Go to school to get a husband. Get a degree yes, but coming back home with that MRS was the goal. 🙌🏾 I kinda wish someone had schooled me like this because the school of hard knocks ain't it. My parents preached "go to school to get a job." That ain't it sis. I would have benefited better with someone mentoring me in how to marry well while attending college.
@@angelicabrown4433 Yep, so you definitely know first hand. The OU folks got good teaching about finding a mate and raising a family. I dated men that went to Oakwood and if I had known better my dating/married life would've looked different. But I know better now. Hopefully we can change as a culture and preach to our black youth to " go to school and create a family".
AAMU graduate here too! I definitely believe our dating pool was not taught to prioritize marriage. I didn’t even have a relationship while in college.
Quentin- I’ve always told my children (daughters and sons), “get who you want, when you’re ready. Don’t wait on anyone to come in to rescue financially. Not all men will be kind and genuinely supportive like me or your dad. Don’t ever forget, if they can feed you, they can starve you; and likewise with housing.” I taught my children independence and how to be compatible and/or flexible when it’s time with a spouse/companion.
Don't forget tell that free lunch doesn't exist and if it is free then there is a catch. Nobody truly does anything out of the kindness of their heart.
My parents only gave me the "don't go up there and act a fool talk." nothing about finding a husband. But recently my mom and I talked about young relationships and she said she never put emphasis on finding a man because you want to have a brain and being focused on a man can overshadow your goals. I agree with that. Because you never know if that man will leave you or even die suddenly at 40. And if you don't have a degree, a skillset, or any work experience, you'll have a hard time trying to reenter the workforce older. Thats why i feel even if my husband was crazy rich, I earned my degree and I am going to keep is in use because you never know.
Thanks for being smart👏🏽 I completely agree. I don’t want to become super reliant on a man to provide because like you said, you just never know. It is important to have your own outside of a man, that way if things don’t work out, you’re able to readjust better.
People like to ignore that aspect. Nowadays you need a foundation that has nothing to do with a man's benevolence, or feelings at the time. Remember that in many black communities, particularly in Africa, many guys in university are the first in their family to get that far. Guys from those backgrounds tend to feel that they have to consider extended family always. Marriage isn't always the silver bullet to all life issues for all women.
Most of my peers and sorority sisters married someone they met in college or shortly thereafter. We’re all late 30s/early 40s now, and unfortunately, half of them have divorced. I agree that college can be a great place to meet your future spouse, but it is also a great place to make lifelong friends and gather your on-call professional team (doctor, lawyer, architect, etc.) as you stated. Learn, have fun, be intentional about who you’re dating if marriage is a goal for you, but something should be said about forcing a relationship or waiting around for someone to check off the married box.
Yessss I would have loved to find a husband in college but I wasn’t taught about it, didn’t know much about marriage, and was never taught about marriage and the benefits thereof! Looking back I wish I would have! I gave myself unnecessarily and I’m not happy about that! I would have rather gone through with one man for twenty years than 20 men in twenty years…. I Strongly regret not getting married earlier
Black girls are taught that their only focus in college should be education. No one taught us to network and develop relationships with people who may be beneficial to our future (i.e., marriage, family, finances). Many of our parents did not teach us how to choose our mates wisely and how to protect ourselves from pregnancy and disease.
I tried everything I could to leave college married but it fell through. It’s a double edged sword because while I think dating is very hard for educated black women I also know I would have absolutely been divorced by now had I gotten married so young 😂
Right!! Marriage at 23 IS NOT for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s critical to gain a certain level of maturity prior to making a lifelong commitment to someone!
Exactly. Same here. I don't know where this narrative comes from that black girls in college aren't also looking for husbands. I was looking for a husband in college and so were all of my bw friends. Of all of us, I think maybe 1 found a husband. Finding a husband isn't that easy. If it were, everyone would have one.
@@adams8830literally half of the girls on campus and off were trying to partner up and get a ring especially the athlete girlfriends and the stem girlfriends. If I can say anything it would be it’s harder to get the guy to actually marry you(If he’s a black man). They’re not taught to family up so soon like white men. Not a problem at that age but it has lasting effects
As a 70’s baby, I was raised in the middle of the crack epidemic and we were taught to survive! We were trying to make it out to the BEST of our ability. My mama was just trying to make it! I raised my daughters differently, I wanted them to be better than me and I encouraged them accordingly! My oldest is a housewife at 28 and my youngest daughter is a BSN, RN at 22. My son followed his dreams too. He’s playing professional football 🏈 in Germany 🇩🇪 so we try to see our children be better is the message.
No. YT girls were raised to be Dependent. We were raised to be Independent. Go out and get it yourself don't wait on no man to do it for you. Their parents said find you a man that can do it for you
At almost 40, I wish I would have been raised to be dependent because noowwwwwwwwww I want that and am sooooo independent I hate it because it comes from a place of fear. Marriage is one of the most natural relationships and most important.
@@QuiteTheLady Yes! Me too! I I'll be 33 in 2 months. I am extremely independent to be an engaged woman. I'm trying my BEST to let go and even let God take control over my life. I have been in a BATTLE letting go to leg God have his way in my life 😭 pray for me Nessa
Sure they're raised to be dependent but when the man they are depending on leaves them, gets sick, or dies? Then what??? Just wait on another man? I hate that it's now a bad thing to be self-reliant when history has shown that men are not reliable. They can and will dip at any time they please.
As someone who attended a Christian PWI, getting married before graduating was most definitely the goal of majority of students, even those with the most ambitious degrees, such as, nursing and engineering. However, one glaring statistic for the students at my college and in general is that most young marriages fail. Most couples who get married before the age of 28 all end up divorced. Not to say that divorce can't happen for reasons other than persons being too young to know what type of partner they really want and need, BUT, the proof is in the pudding (and DATA)!😉
No, and I often wish I'd approached college differently. Coming from an all-girls high school, college was my first time getting male attention, and I was completely unprepared and overwhelmed by it, beyond the birth control my parents handed me without explanation. Within months of graduation, a lot of classmates I'd partied with, many who i didn't realize were in relationship, were suddenly getting engaged. Now, in my thirties, dating feels especially hard since I live and work in predominantly white spaces and because I think dating is just hard in 2024. Everywhere I've worked there's been little to no men in my age range, and only one Black man my age thus far. I wish someone had offered me this kind of advice in my twenties. I also believe that certain cultures prioritize stability (women) and reputation (men) more than romantic love when it comes to marriage. While my single twenties were tough, especially without nearby family, it's also prepared me well for my thirties, a time when many of those early-married couples are now getting divorced and starting over.
You need to date other races because waiting on a black man that may never come and you missing out. I guarantee you they are not only dating black Women. Don’t waste your youth looking for something that may never come. Explore different options and it may surprise you. Vet them just like you would any black man. Demand and Require respect and watch for the red flags and have fun!
Funky, that young lady probably came from a 2-parent household where her mother had the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom. She was able to replicate what see observed, and learned, while growing up. Many black girls don't see that in our households AND don't have that luxury to be stay-at-home mothers. Most black men won't tolerate that from us. They want us to work as well.
Here's the thing. My daughters, actually all 6 children, have seen me be a SAHM. They've seen me homeschool them for 10 years, the homemade beautiful birthday cakes, lavish holiday spreads, scratch cooking and baking during every week, planning vacations, keeping a huge garden, discipling them, giving an example of showing grace and mercy, truly being a keeper at home. And they've also seen my husband take that for granted and not respect what I do in any area of life. So even though my daughters have seen me do this, I doubt they'll want to be SAHMs too because how will they trust that a man won't do them the same way? My sons resent him, so I can see them working to be the complete opposite and be better husbands and fathers. Oh, and my husband is white, so this isn't even about black men only. (Most) Men in this society respect a paycheck more than they do a homemaker, even when they're the ones who encourage their wives to be homemakers. If I could go do my life over from high school, I'd explore my interests, keep to myself, go to college again, but I'd have married someone who didn't have the mindset of most men in this society. Probably a foreigner.
Black men are not there looking for a mate. All the guys had girls at home or in a neighboring school. The girls on campus were for fun. I literally knew 1 couple on campus my entire college career. Sad . And it’s worse now. My parents were different. My aunts and uncles also Al found their parents in school .
My mother definitely discussed it but there weren’t any dudes available to even chase like that. I went to an HBCU, same one as Dr. Contessa, and it’s only like 20 percent males there. And school had me pressed like Kim Zolciak running from the IRS. But in the end, it does’t matter if you want to get married to a man and the men just aren’t around. We couldn’t just make them materialize in our college spaces. All the black guys I knew in college did end up getting married to high achievers, but again it was 1 guy for every 4 girls on campus. And it’s like that at a lot of HBCUs and PWIs.
I learned this when I got into my upperclassmen courses. I was no longer with my friends and or ppl that looked like me. I learned that, that’s why they (non blacks) even join certain sororities. They definitely have a plan and I was sent there blindly by my mom in hopes of figuring it out. I did not “do college” how it was supposed to be done (socially). I had fun and learned a few things but I didn’t set my life up for after college. I totally agree with you on who should go to college to get certain benefits.
Lmao wow! I’m a 43 year old ‘white girl’ with 4 degrees including a doctorate who worked 3 jobs during college to help pay for school. I did NOT go college to find my husband…🤦♀️ We need to educate our young ladies of all backgrounds to go to school to get THEIRS, and get an education. Welcome to 2024! 😂❤
I was very awkward in college. If I did find a mate then we’d be divorced by now because I have grown and developed so beautifully. Nothing like I was in college
Awesome conversation! We (I) were definitely NOT taught to be in a committed relationship/snag a man/marriage/children. We were told at that age, we're too young for that and the only thing we should focus on is the betterment of ourselves 🤷🏽♀️
Exact thing I was told. Family can only tell us what they have knowledge of. Honestly, there are few successful marriages in my family. I was shunned when I said I had a boyfriend and was told by my mother to break up with him, and that she doesn’t send me to school for that. I was not in college. I wish she would have discussed this with me differently, prepared me, something. Now, I’m in my 30s, and never had a boyfriend from that point on. I’m grateful for my life, but I’m just unhappy because at such a young age I had to be a comforter and take on a role that a child or young adult should not have had to take on.
Absolutely, I’m almost 32. It took me a long time to shake that mindset. I never partnered up because I was told I’m too young to worry about a relationship. “ you have the rest of your life to find someone “ that’s not true lol
I did not go to college straight out of high school, but I met my husband at 22, while he was fresh in the military. We dated shortly and then got married. 15 years later and we’ve cultivated a strong partnership. I know so many women who were not intentional about choosing their partner. I was taught to marry for stability and security. Love is very important, but it’s not the only aspect of a relationship that will hold you together.
I’m a college grad in my forties and just started having this discussion, with my good girlfriends, within the last few years. Baebayyyy, if we could turn back the hands of time. Welp, we on to it and educating our young adults on PROPER selection. Been staring down our nose at it just to find out, that’s one thing Katie dem got right. Eradicating baby mamas one daughter at a time. 😌✌🏾
Now there was just recently a conversation about black men aren't going to college at the same rate as black women. So basically you want a large pool of women to fight over a small pool of men. Yeah I don't think this is the answer 😂😂
Q, I went to school with a girl whose mother kept pushing her to find a husband...it was sad. I don't think a mother should do that to their child. BTW, the girl ended up getting a brain tumor and dying before she was 22.
Yes! White parents do. And I honestly think it should start to be a conversation for black girls. It shouldn’t be pushed but maybe considered. The only thing about it is, you don’t even know who you are at 17-22 years old, so is it wise to make a decision on who your life partner is when you don’t even know yourself yet? 🤷🏾♀️
It's the connections you make, also you're all figuring it out together. It's folks with common experiences while traveling, working and attending those weddings. 🕵🏾♂️🕵🏾♀️🕵🏽
If you go there with the intention of possibly meeting your future spouse instead of just being against it and having tunnel vision....that way u kind of grow together instead of waiting and at the age of 30 you are single and no spouse in sight....and that clock starts ticking....
@@mimi2613 Yes. Once upon a time, it was very common that people became engaged or even married in their early twenties. Many had long, successful marraiges. Given the mess our community is in, we might want to reconsider what we are doing now.
Women are in their prime for marriage in their 20s! I married my wife when she was 21 and we are still happily married 26yrs later. Parents in Africa do same thing white parents do. 21-28 is not too young for women from guys perspective period.
This issue is more related to social class and economics. YES, Black men and women from financial means are often encouraged to look for partners while attending college. This idea is instilled in us from a young age, and it‘s verrrrry common practice💯💯💯. However, I‘m not certain about the approach of working-class Black families when it comes to finding partners.
20's are for finding yourself, look when you're 30. I met mine in a club and wasn't looking just fate. I'd just turned 30 he was 27. We're still solid as a rock. We needed each other at the right moment and no one, not even family, will break that bond. Stay hopeful.
You are correct Funky! My Sister's and I have had this conversation/discussion. They are taught this and it has worked exceptionally well for them. As always we have missed the memo!
I tried it and it failed. Being that young not knowing what you’re getting into isn’t worth it imo. To each their own. After all that I dont even know if marriage is for me or exists in my life plan. And I’m only 28. So 🤷🏾♀️
Samee I am slightly younger than you though it just seems alot of women are thinking the same thing we can’t make no body marry us and it just seems to get harder to find a solid partner that have goals and morals
I’m 34 and recently had this discussion. I don’t believe black women are taught to welcome a husband while in college. We are taught to focus on education and career . I remember the white girls getting engaged my junior and senior year. Our men aren’t taught to ask /seek a wife at that junction in life either . We have to be asked 🤷🏽♀️
My mom said academics came first but to leave time for dating because it was the only time in my life id be surrounded by educated eligible bachelors. I happened to find my husband and we've been tigerher 15 years, married for 5. You do have to note that many college campuses are majority women and more severely so for the black population. The campuses with majority men are engineering/STEM schools like MIT, CalTech, Georgia Tech etc. Now they can be a little nerdy and awkward but they also tend to be more commitment minded, at least until they graduate and have their glow up.
I’ll speak for myself, I had to relocate and begin working! I didn’t have an option of sticking around for a man. What you’re speaking of is PRIVILEGE!
I was definitely trying to get a husband in college. I just wasn’t doing it right. 😂 no one taught me or talked to me about anything college-related. I just wanted a different life for myself. I didn’t get married until I was 36 years old.
I went to Tennessee State University and graduated. But one of my freshman friends from Ohio who was so smart and beautiful told me she was there to find a husband. So yes.
Also… I remember turning 18 and telling my mom I wanted to go to a college a few states away and she told me I wasn’t ready for that and that I needed to stay home a little longer. I never ended up going away to school which is one of my biggest regrets in life. Also, 15 years later I’m still single and looking for a good man smh
African Americans are not able to go to college like our white counterparts. When we were able a husband wasn't in the plan. Most parents are single mother whom never talk to their kids about finding the right husband to create with. For mysel, after my grandmother passed I didn't get a chance to have this conversation. I had to figure it out.
I LOVE this. I had a daughter and my first thing when she hits the college door is to find you a husband. Not a he trying to have you follow his dreams husband. But we will build everything and support each through as we struggle through college. Pick you a good man Savanah. Its my regret in not going to college because i would have been looking for a mate. Versus not going and trying to find someone equally yolked.
A large number of 1st generation college graduates were taught to go to college, get the degree that makes you the most money, so you don’t have to depend on anyone to take care of you!
I think it's extremely important that black parents raise sons that actually value marriage in tne first place because the availability of black men who want marriage is a whole other conversation. So I encourage black women to not limit themselves to any one race in college.
My husband is white, Hispanic and my Black nieces don't date Blk males ❤ I told them and my mama told them that these Blk males ain't got s*** to offer but ph imbalance, bad credit, 50/50 , and baby mamahood.
Within 1 year of my graduation I was a groomsmen in 3 weddings! I went to a PWI while my friends went to a HBCU and the differences in marriage rates are night and day. I’d say 75% of the women AND men are married from my college while my hometown friends I’d say 10%. I’d even argue that my hometown friends are more “desirable” yet they’re still not in committed relationships or married. As my parents are not college educated it was truly an eye opening experience! I mean can you imagine being in THREE weddings the following year of college when you had no idea people were even that committed to each other????🤯🤯🤯
Im not sure about sending them to college for a man. But it's definitely time to inform our sons and daughters of the importance and benefits of marriage. It doesn't mean that there are no benefits to being single, but there is strength in numbers if everyone is pulling their weight.
We do socialize while in college, for most of us it’s the first time away from home. We’re not necessarily looking for finding a lifelong partner. Hell most of us are barely work in the field we get our degree in. lol Most of the couples that get married in or shortly after college break up shortly thereafter anyway. Women I’ve seen are open to finding partners while in college, but the men are in their playboi days.
I'm a college proponent because I learned a lot outside of the classroom: -how to live with someone and compromise (or not) -how to work with complete strangers on school projects and with campus organizations -how to think critically and quickly -how to multitask work, school, etc -how to take care of myself and manage money independently -how to manage deadlines -how to be a leader and/or team player Although you learn skills more or less on the job, those 4-5 years were critical in my growth & development. Although my parents were in the wings if I needed help; to be away from home to figure it out on my own was a Godsend.
My daughter just graduated College. She is in Grad school now. She will be 24 next month. She dont want a man or children at this point. Its ok because every woman dont want to be a wife and mother. Thats fine! I didnt either but had a child. Its not for everyone. Im happy that she is choosing her and pursuing traveling the world. I taught her to choose your own Destiny for you. I told her if and when shes ready. Make sure he is the right one for you. Thats a strong, protective, respectful and loving man. Dont bring home no man boys that you gotta raise. We dont do struggle love over here. So who says she gonna meet her man in College. Could be on a work trip to a different country. Either way Im happy she is focusing on self, and I cant blame her for not wanting to be tied down just yet. I raised her right. ❤
My father didn’t tell me to get a husband in college per say but he did say it would get harder post grad. Luckily I met my husband freshman year. We are both like minded individuals with a good career path going for us so thank God it worked out.
Make sure to teach her that sex shouldn’t be either or that’ll come with stds and unwanted pregnancies and possibly abortions and much heartache… I’d rather my daughter marry a great man than the aforementioned… that’s just me
White girls do both. Should you only go to school to find a husband? No. But college is the only time where you’ll be around other successful peers without outside influences. Once you finish college most people start working and it’s frowned upon to date people that you work with. Where else will you meet someone? Bars? Dating sites? Your opportunities start to dwindle after college. Your daughter should put school first but it’s ok to date and meet young men that are on their way to becoming successful business men, doctors, lawyers, engineers etc. She has her pick of the best of the best in school. All of my white girlfriends focused on both and they’re all married. My Black girlfriends focused only on school and now all of us are successful in our careers but single. Only one out of our college group is married. Obviously your daughter can meet men after college but it’s a lot less pressure when you’re young with no responsibilities. The older you get the more complicated it becomes. Take it from me chile 😮💨
See, the thing about our community is that many of us (saying "us" in general sense) didnt/don't promote marriage to our daughters/granddaughters. We're taught to do everything ourselves, be Ms. Independent, get your own education, make your own bag etc. Family, love and real relationships are down played these days, unfortunately. When mama-dem and grandma-dem aint got no man, and swear they don't want one...of course they wont encourage marriage and families to their daughters and granddaughters. I'm married...20 years next month. I met him a restaurant when I surely wasn't even looking chile. LoL I believe God makes those divine connections. Pray on it, and live your life in the meantime.💯
I attended a PWI. Some of my closest friends were white. We had this conversation several times in college. They are taught to go to college to get their Mrs. degree. The actual degree is a bonus. Once they graduate, their families help their fiancées get jobs at law firms, let them stay home during medical school and rarely have to work until they are established.
