Who Can Relate? Ep. 30 “Toxic Relationships" with my Wife Shay Davis 

Shay is so tapped into her divine feminine energy. She embodies grace and poise. I didn’t grow up seeing that in my mother and barked back at my ex husband and definitely avoided therapy now looking back. In hindsight that failed marriage was the wake up call I needed to learn to love myself and become more confident. Some of us have to learn the hard way 🙏🏼

I'd love to hear about why she stayed. Why did she think you were worth it from the first red flags.

I like when you asked Shay around 40:00 minutes or so, "How can you know when it's best to leave or stay and work things out?" I think though she may not be the best person to answer this question since she's never been in another toxic relationship where it was best to leave, which is probably why she didn't really answer the question. Perhaps it'd be good to have someone on the podcast whose been in a situation where it was best to leave to get the other perspective as well. I think this would be really important because I think some people who are in toxic relationships may look at your situation as a sign of false hope that their partner will eventually change if they show enough empathy like Shay did when, in fact, the opposite may be true and they may be in one of those situations where it is best to leave. Had I seen this episode a couple years ago when I was in a toxic relationship, I would have definitely used it as a sign of hope that my boyfriend at the time would change if I just continued to show more empathy. I thought, "he just needs to know I'm there for him and understand because he's been through a lot in his life and did not have a lot of experiences where people were truly there for him; that will help him see things clearly and change." I saw all the things in him that Shay saw in you (i.e. the anger/meanness had nothing to do with me, it was all related to past trauma, ect...). But the more "empathy" I showed him rather than fighting back, the worse his behaviors got over time. So yes, empathy is important, but there is also a point where that empathy can become toxic within itself and enable the other person rather than help them. It is a very fine line, but an important one to remember especially for woman since we tend to be more of the "givers" who tend to feel inclined to show more empathy since it is a nurturing quality. The empathy I showed in my toxic relationship turned me into too much of a "nice person" rather than the healthy opposite of a "nice person with boundaries." Excessive amounts of empathy can be a sign of toxic femininity since being nurturing/empathetic tends to be a traditionally feminine characteristic. We hear a lot nowadays about toxic masculinity, but forget sometimes there can be toxic forms of femininity as well. A good quote that helped me get through that rough time was, "sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone go." Although difficult, It seems like Shay may have been able to find a healthy balance between showing you the empathy you needed while also maintaining boundaries for herself, which is good. I think though having someone on whose been in the opposite situation where it was best to leave the toxic relationship may help your viewers to better discern when "the most loving thing they can do is to let their partner go." All in all, I like how you emphasized that working through toxic characteristics takes a lot of inner work and professional help. Yes, Shay helped you a lot, but she in no way "saved/rescued" you from yourself; most of that work was first done by your own inner work to figure yourself out. Shay just helped give you that final push you needed towards the end. I can also see that Shay has a strong sense of self worth as well that really helped her in the relationship as well. I can see her sense of self-worth wasn't dependent on a toxic need to be someone's savior. It was really great hearing your story. I can understand it must have felt a bit scary and vulnerable to put yourself out there.

i love that shay doesn’t look at the camera, she’s looking at the person she’s having a conversation with. since these are podcast visuals it doesn’t really matter at all!

Toxicity is contagious when we stay I started to doubt myself Yet deep down knowing the truth I was the light 💫✨

Throughout the videos JD always uses “patience” to describe a quality Shay has in her, but I think he is a bit wrong. Shay is truly a testament of when a woman is prudent. I know this by when she states, “I don’t know how I learned this, but I just knew when to express myself - when it was the right moment to say it so it can be revived”(paraphrasing). Prudence is virtue that goes beyond patience because patience can be learned within the hardships of life and as for prudence it can be unattainable. This is a great example to me of how a woman can “break or make a man”. I can relate so much to their relationship.

SHAY DESERVES FLOWERS AND MORE SHES JUST SO WOKE 💕

Can Shay do a video about Feminine energy? She just exudes that! I need to learn her secrets lol

Justin's previous relationships, and the beginning of him and Shay's reminds me of my relationship with my ex. I had never been in a relationship with so much yelling and anger before; not even with my parents, they literally have never raised their voices or disrespected each other. I even used to say the same thing to my ex as Shay used to say, "I have never been in a relationship where I've yelled or fought like this before..." Unfortunately my ex and I were together for ~4 years... shit was traumatizing, and now that it's over, I'm realizing I need to relearn how to be in a normal peaceful relationship again.

I noticed Shay doesn't look at the camera, but like Justin said who cares lol. I know I hate looking at cameras and taking pictures, so I commend her for coming on when she said she's shy! Be nice people!!

First of all - they are such an emotionally mature and beautiful couple. Can we just talk about how adorable their dog is?

The self-awareness and emotional maturity here is beautiful✨

Can you both have another discussion where you go over how you both dealt with triggers and how and what you do to continue your personal growth journey. How do you embark into personal growth ?

I've only watched this podcast once before but your wife Shay has absolutely nailed it and is so wise for the betterment of your relationship; She is invaluable and an angel and her advice is universal for all of us looking on

Sounds like JD had some narcissistic qualities. Proud you being vulnerable and transparent about this because self awareness is hard and admitting to and then putting in the work to be better is even harder but rewarding.

Ive never seen a man talk like this! Keep notes ladies! Her femininity is really brining out the King/Masculinity out him. Yall are soooooooo cute together. BLESS UP!

I had a partner who would admit to the way he messed up, cheating, relapsing, etc, but thought that was equivalent to accountability when he didn't allow himself to consider how he made me feel, acknowledge it, or talk about ways he would move differently in the future. In my experience that was almost worse than someone who hurts me with certain behavior, is in denial about it, and will never admit it. When he hurt me, named it, and wouldn't acknowledge the pain it seemed like he didn't care, and I knew he was just laying out a pattern he was definitely going to repeat.

I know your wife helped you but in the end you chose to make the change. I'm in a situation and I'm hearing this a second time. I'm similar to your wife and I know my self worth, etc. But when a man does not want to change it's hard. I've currently backed off and it's 3 weeks since he's reached out. So it will be interesting what she said. It ultimately it was you who put out the effort more than her. She was the cherry on top. So you have to give kudos to yourself man!

Honestly the whole “ two different experiences and same event” I said this to my Aquarius ex a few years and it stood with him forever. he understood it right away I just said it differently. I also added that its the reason why we argue because we remember it differently . it blows my mind because i said this years ago and I never heard anyone else say it too. Shay is incredible !

This kind of conversation isn't easy to have, it's never easy to admit that your behaviours in relationship are toxic and that you're willing to become self aware enough to change them and work on it - usually toxicity = leaving the relationship, so thank you for sharing such a personal story of redemption! Amazing x

Parents also sometimes find it hard to conquer the balance between being a parent and leading/controlling and actual gaslighting. This episode is a wonderful for all relationships. Especially for those who let anger take over and their internal battles and lack of ability to handle conflict take over. Shay talked about how the resolution won’t always be what Justin wants but he had to work on being comfortable with meeting in the middle and that is imperative.

Wow this was a great video. It really highlighted the fact that a man who is serious about his change will show evidence of being about changing; taking accountability, trying to work with you, there is a genuineness there, as opposed to look you in the face saying he wants to change and then repeating the same bullshit.

I'm thinking what was the motivation for JD to make the changes within himself. Was it because he knew Shay was the one and didn't want to lose her? Or did JD arrive in the right mental space to accept his shortcomings at the same time he was with Shay?

"Sometimes I am way too transparent for these people." -JD 😆😆 LOL We appreciate the transparency, JD! It shows growth because that version of you no longer effects you.

Announcement, a lot of people don't change, don't stay in abusive relationships thinking people will change. Yes they may change but not with you. I really did like that they pointed that even the none toxic person can become toxic due to their reactions. Relationships can be traumatic experiences. Ps I loved everything you said.

I am the female Version of Jd in a lot of ways and when she said “sometimes the solution is understanding”... THAT HIT home cause I can’t imagine there not being an action lol a light bulb just went of f and will really help me in my marriage!! Thank you guys!!

Can I just say thank you!! That keeping tabs quote just relieved so much I was carrying... I would keep tabs internally of how much "I've let slide" and would hold it against myself, feeling guilty that I was "allowing" so much . . . When really I need to see it as being able to forgive and CHOOSING to hold the space for the person I love and see the potential

I love the analogy...... The red door vs plants experience. So on point.

I applaud your wife for her patience. Im learning how to have patience. Im always the one that leaves when knowing that the other person is too toxic.

I love this! Shoutout to y’all for being vulnerable enough to address this🙌🏼

I just love seeing how grounded Shay is. No wonder you were so sure she could be “the one”. 27:35 Well said! This is often why people lie and gaslight.

Dude transparent is brave and strong 💪🏽❤️ My man can’t be transparent whatsoever.

But how patient should you be?

I needed this! Thank you 💗 Shay is so lovely

Can you please do a video on “the work” it’s something you guys constantly repeat but never really get into. I have so many issues that I already KNOW I have and seem impossible to change. Idk how to change. For example, when I get really upset, it’s very hard for me to react a certain way( more preferred way) because my anger just takes over me . I can read and watch all the videos I want about the right or healthier way to react to something but when the opportunity arises it just fails every time. HOW do you go through “the work”

I was in a relationship with someone who is a toxic version of JD. I was patient, understanding, and continued to hold space to the point where I lost myself in the madness. In the present moment, I left my husband about 10 months ago. Unfortunately, It did not work out for him. JD, you’re blessed with Shan.

Wow 😳 He does that Throwing this in my face Hurtful moments of my childhood I’ve shared with him to hurt me It damaged me more & I didn’t feel safe with him & didn’t trust him .

I enjoy these conversations with Shay. I love the intimacy, and the takeaway is stronger, for me, when my phone is in my pocket with earbuds in, taking my run. I needed to hear about being in a toxic relationship, because I've been the toxic one by creating toxicity passively Any aggressively. Hearing a side of someone that's not been in one helps me see how it effects the other person and what's a healthier way to address certain conflict and handle certain moments before, during, and after an explosion. Thanks for sharing

I love this conversation because I was in a similar position as Shay. But my partner did not put in the consistent work so it was just one sided. The patience needed to hold space for someone is so real and Shay is a rockstar for her patience but you are amazing for pulling through and not letting it be in vain. Definitely team work. I actually really appreciate you out here modeling what an evolved man looks like and also coming on here to share Shay’s side

What a wholesome discussion. I can feel how hard this was for both of you to talk about, so I very much appreciate putting this up and sharing the talk with us! I had dealt with someone toxic in past relationship, and even was the toxic one at one point in time. Dating to marry isn't easy, there's so much to unpack between two people. Love, communication, and patience are a must.

This was such a great podcast. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a full one in my life but you are so engaging with one another it’s really nice to see it. I’m currently in this situation if not worse tbh. I’m dealing with a partner who abuses alcohol and drugs and I just had a baby. And I am fuel. Lol i wish to be like Shay one day. Lovely women.

Did not want this podcast to end, a lot of gems dropped! Sending much alofa to the both of you from Aussie 🇦🇺

I think what’s helped me is realizing that it’s truly a marathon not a sprint. Choosing to focus on the small daily steps and adjustments to change has been beneficial. To not only yourself for growth but to the relationships around you as well. When you chose to become better you start to see your relationships flourish. The transition from toxic to healthy becomes not only possible but far more satisfying and worth it. It’s a continual progression and every step forward is just that... a step forward to the right direction! Great great episode! So insightful! Keep up the good work! X

I really love the red door analogy!

You both complement each other and it’s so refreshing!

I needed this video. I’m in the same situation right now with someone. I actually cut them off yesterday because they weren’t ready to heal. It was really draining and I felt like I was walking on egg shells. In this video, he mentioned that he was ready to work on himself and that’s what made her stay. Now I feel like I shouldn’t have just cut him off. Could of stayed but part of me feels, again he’s not ready and I can’t get him to be ready.

I AGREE WITH JUSTIN about the camera situation. Just listen, take it in, and be grateful.

Wow this was the most relatable episode from any podcast I’ve ever listened to! I’ve experienced almost the exact same challenges as you have, especially from Shay’s perspective. Things are improving for the better for us, and while I know there is still so much to go and it will be an ongoing piece of work, I’m feeling a lot more positive and happy with where we are at right now. Thanks so much for sharing, you guys are awesome ❤️

You are a lucky man, this conv has helped me , cause in our relationship iam the fire and iam working on it , thanks for sharing

I love when you both do the home series thanks Shay and Justin ❤️❤️

I appreciated this video. I too feel the same way in regards to being blessed that my girlfriend has stayed during the toxicity that I displayed. I also liked your wife’s moment she had when she said that she would take a minute and let you calm down then discuss the message she wanted to deliver to you because if she did it at that particular time the message may not have been received correctly.

DAMN this was good . I felt this ! I have definitely been in a toxic relationship before and have some toxic traits that I am working on . Great podcast ! Such a beautiful couple ☺️!

God bless Shay because I am in something similar and I cant anymore.

Lovely episode, it gave me hope that there are still some genuine and nice humans out there :-). I admire Shay's selflessness, that's a very hard skill to master. Letting the urge to have the last word is a natural urge for many of us. I try to bite my tongue more these days and replay the situation in my mind before responding.

Another episode! Right on time 🙌🏽.

Loved this episode so much and the way you show love and respect to your wife! I can’t wait to experience something like that someday. So much of this video resonated with me. When Shay said “A sincere apology where they’re saying all the things that you wanted them to say, without you having to say it for them, just means so much more” and “as much as I was holding space, I felt like you still had a lot of work to do and it was turning me into somebody I didn’t want to be and idk if this is gonna serve me in the right ways and it felt very unhealthy not only for the relationship but myself” I’ve been there 1000x and just wanna say thank you guys for being so vulnerable and sharing and relating to these experiences with us 💕

This episode is excellent, I didn't know about the term "Gaslighting", now, after a bit of research it's fully understood. Thanks for putting together this content

The best episodes is when you both do it together !

Wow!!! This was beautiful...I had to take notes through this entire video.

JD how were you able to attract such an amazing woman as your wife, despite you being toxic in the beginning? I feel and this is my personal Opinion that it is so rare to attract such a healing energy from another person when we are in the trenches on our toxicity.

wow love this episode!! I would love to be as calm as Shay and be so forgiving 🤗

I look forward to every episode. Continue the great work!

I agree with Justin they should have more takeaways than if Shay is looking at the camera. Maybe they should just listen to the podcast and then they wouldn’t have to worry about who’s looking at the camera. Some people do not like being on camera. Love today’s episode glad you can recognize and talk about the toxicity you brought to the relationship.

I really loved this episode. I've definitely learned a lot and definitely re-watching it later. Thank you both for sharing... As for the last part sure I did feel connected to Shay; whether looking at the camera or not she's always here with the gems. "you guys are not bad apples" she is just so lovely The part where Shay said "I wanted you to be vulnerable during our indifferences", I have to sit with this bc I've always thought I'm a very vulnerable and expressive person. And it never occurred to me that choosing to protect your heart/ego/self by not being fully open and "vulnerable" in the heat of an argument, is necessarily a toxic trait. But like you said if you're to look at a problem as "us vs the problem as opposed you vs I", then it makes sense why holding back a part of yourself in that sense may not be a good trait.... Damn but that does push the 'what encompasses vulnerability bubble' a little further. Although I will say I still feel words are powerful and you may want to sit and process your 'raw' thoughts before you blurt them out as long as you share them at some point.

You guys were made for each other, great dynamic duo 💙🙏🏾

Thank you for this episode, it brought so much awareness and healing to me 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

I love you guysss omg I’m a new subscriber and I’m newly single and this is what I wanted to do with my ex to grow with him and get pass our toxic ways but unfortunately it didn’t work out. But I learn a lot from you guys and as a 20 year old female I need this! Love it ! ❤️

Unrelated but I looove to see that subscriber count increase on quality content.

i appreciated this. putting your ego on the chopping block here for the sake of others' growth. it did not go to waste

Who cares if Shay looks at the camera. I'm here for the content. And it actually appears more genuine to me when the person doesn't look at the cam all the time. If you know what I mean. But I like how she doesn't get offended. 👍👏 Great podcast! Inspirational!

I think we need that long distance relationship episode !

Can I just say this was so incredibly useful and healing to listen to. Thankyou for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. Love x

I literally am you JD like I am really learning a lot about myself through your podcast as well as enjoy the podcast. I have been doing a lot of self-work recently and I am in my first relationship right now. I am 20, he is 24. He's from Atlanta and Im from Toronto. So there have been a lot of wake-up calls and huge challenges for me. I have had a lot of growing up to do to match him and It brought up a lot of issues I knew I had and didn't know I had. I am 100% the toxic one. I will cause arguments and get red hot so fast when my partner, like shay, wasn't used to that. I find that I dissociate myself from things and this causes me to not even see that I have toxic traits. I have no memory almost of hurting people and i almost feel as though someone else comes out when I act that way but then when I'm calm I cant remember. I was hoping maybe you could reply to the comment so I can hear your opinion. Im not sure if you can relate but I would appreciate a dialogue about this.

I just want to say Im glad that i’m being part of the conversation of this channel like in every episode and I’m happy to find someone like you guys and thank you for all the help you’ve given me until now, never went out of the episodes without gaining something .. much love to you two❤️❤️❤️❤️

Love to see you expanding JD!

This content is so important! I would love to see more of this.

they gave me soooo much hope!

Beautifully vulnerable and honest conversation. Thank you.

So... maybe if he would’ve gotten to the point of doing that self work before meeting his wife, he could’ve had a successful relationship with one of his exes ? I’m just wondering if it was Shay or if it was more his timing with deciding to own up to his issues. And also wondering why Shay decided JD was it throughout that toxicity ?

I can TOTALLY RELATE 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯❤️ Wow your a beautiful blessing Thank you so much

This was a beautiful episode once again JD, it was able to highlight some of the toxic traits I had in a past relationship. I had tendencies to gaslight and I’m constantly working to do better not just for myself, but that next potential parter. The way you outline the show and use a script is really unique and keeps a good flow to the production and content, keep it up as always man! See ya next week!

She has such great energy

Thank you guys for this...my boyfriend and I are working through this and it is very encouraging.

I would've left straight up...

So excited for this episode ❤

I love the transparency and accountability in this conversation. Shay, are you a Pisces or Cancer by any chance? 😊

Wow such a good pod cast! Thanks for being so transparent with us. Definitely learned a lot ❤️

Love your vids, you have inspired me to start my own channel

Thank you for sharing, really open and honest

He definitely would put it on me Because I was healing myself He was the same Always flipping the script We are both finally 💯 ready to Find help because we can’t do it alone we tried.

This gave me souu much! Thank u! I could take sou much away from it ! I would love to see a similar episode mazbe in a zear and see what improved. Thank zou both! Zou are amazing!

I love this video. Thank you! Please do more relationship videos ❤️

To Shay: Do you feel like real estate helped you in your ability to stay confident while navigating conflict? I can relate to you in the sense that I’m not a confrontational personal at all. But when I started real estate a year ago, I was constantly being put in situations where I had to articulate my feelings or opinions, and I had to learn how to navigate stress/conflict with a level head. It’s definitely boosted my confidence, and I’m more likely to stay grounded in my opinions and express myself in an argument rather than just take it. Haha

Thank you for your transparency❤

thank you for these conversations, they are so important and enlightening 🙏✨

I really enjoyed this video and it hit home for me (a little triggered haha). Definitely been gaslit a lot and it is such a terrible feeling. I'm glad you were both able to heal from that.

Alot of love for you both .. I totally can relate 🙂 ...

This was what I needed! Thank you so much✨

I am new here. First video. I love the conversation of toxic relationship

Only our grandmother's used to endure... Not Us!! There's many guys out there.