Why Avoidant Ex Always Come Back After Breakup (personal story) 

I became addict to those videos for same things. Ego and self estime. I feel that i am improving. Avoidant have a real sad life. Lot of fear

I love these videos. Perhaps ask him to add videos on getting over it.

Totally agree

well said!!!!

True.. relationships are very delicate at first place.. and with avoidants it’s super delicate.. we have to be always aware 24*7 acting perfect.. so much energy.. we can’t do it too long..

How are they learning to be their best for us too?

Their behaviours are projections. It is aimed at us but felt towards her or his parents that neglected them.

Exactly.

Super mean, you don’t know every scenario, this may be true for you, again, you don’t know every scenario, and cannot apply your limited perspective to the whole of society lol Nobody may have told you, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret, the universe does not revolve around just you when applied to the rest of society. However, in your world, this could be true.

@@sabrinaszabo9355 Do what you want, but don't say you haven't been warned. You may want to gain some perspective. Melanie Hamlett videos may help with that. Naivety will cause a lifetime of anguish and pain.

​@@JETTSTACHI she is just salty and can't accept that simple fact that you just laid down.

True!

Thank you for sharing your experience, I am also an anxious attachment style. I have also learned that the breakup is for me to grow as a more toward secure attachment style. I think it is only meaningful until I have changed to be secure, otherwise if i continue to chase him, then he will run further away.

Any update?

@@travelswithjas Thanks for asking. We've been developing a very pleasant, easy-going relationship. I'm continuing with my own healing, and creating a sense of my own self-love and inner-peace gives him the space to relax. I don't know what the future holds-- just enjoying the moments we share.

therapy is bullshit, get a psychologist.

All true. Way to go

As the product of a completely absent father, Let’s calm down with our assumptions……. I am very much anxious and the discarding of my avoidant bf brought back those abandonment issues (which I legitimately never realized I had). My bf briefly talked about not being adequately loved as a child and makes so much sense that this is where the avoidant attachment stems from.

Exactly my FA ex's situation. Her horrible mum left her biological father at 10 months old. at 13 they moved to another country and her mum immediately got pregnant with another man. The baby is her stepsister. Total emotional neglect at every stage. It was too hard with her, she didn't have a slither of accountability for her behaviour being completely contradictory and mixed all the time. It was like talking to a child who can't admit or completely deny whatever they said/did prior. Past the the lovebombing stage what they become is completely defunct for a healthy relationship and being avoidants they often can't even muster up the courage to self reflect because of all the painful and uncomfortable emotions. Unless you don't treasure your time and energy, its best to leave the avoidant.

They tend to tap out around 7-8 months mark. when they realized their lack of is starting to talley up. So the discard stage starts and at this point they have already started to look for another person cause they can never be alone but never want to be there for any one.

Love the way you say this 😊

Romantic relationship is not so important to them. Being single is ok for them, as I understand. Friends and parents are their main thing.

Most of the time, they don’t know that they are a DA.

Not true. The avoidants I’m close with are all working on it

I think people whose partners came back they are too busy being happy and that's why they don't take the time to post about their ex coming back...

Always something to keep in the back of your mind. Also always look what they have to sell.

Hows it going?

why do people always say this, “needs not being met” like what “needs” are you even talking about and why were they serious enough to end the relationship and not work through/on it?

​@@h7pubgit's a copout by broken people.

If you aren't healing to make yourself more secure, please stay the F away from people who want a relationship with you. It is not fair to them at all.

@@h7pubg I just had a really great connection with a really great guy, at the wrong time. We were both at different stages in our lives is all. I have more time and he didn't. I agree, saying, "needs not being met" sounds needy. A better way would be to say, our current values and priorities didn't align. He wasn't a bad person, we just weren't a good match. Right person, wrong time.

​​​@@mbaiton4509I had the same exact experience and I agree with what you said, but I did have a NEED for clear communication and I 100% couldn't get that from him so I broke it off too. He was only wanting to see me 1 day a week, he kept pushing me away but cleary still wanted me. I told him several times I needed him to be direct with me so that I knew what was going on and knew we were on the same page but he just couldn't/wouldn't do that. I need a team mate, not an ambiguous creature who comes and goes at random intervals without explanation. How do you build a life with a person like that?

I hope the man you ended up with treats you better. I’m in a huge tossup , but I know if my avoidant bf eventually comes back…… I can’t pursue anything on Love or potential!

Any update?

Because they've been treated like shit during childhood and growing up, being emotionally neglected they're used to the levels of cortisol so once Mr Nice guy comes along they get scared. It's essentially a drug withdrawal of cortisol.

I know it's really difficult to be with avoidants, especially if they don't want to work on themselves.

with avoidancts just basically gotta be super chill and laid back.. let them do all the pursueing.. if you cant handle that then avoid them

Had one return a little under a year. Seemed to have had a moment of clarity. Went well for 6 weeks. Then, same old shit... pulling away, failure to reply, shutting down etc. Months more of glimpses of light only to go nowhere. It's better to not go through that

@@ksref Damn, that sucks. Yeah from what I've heard they are only worth being with if they know they have a problem, and they want to work through it. If they don't realize they have issues, no point.

The 6 months mark is more about self preservation. You don't want to put your life on hold for too long. Yes there are cases when they come back years after. But is it worth staying stuck for that long? And it is unlikely to happen

@@AlexisFriedlander I'm not waiting around, thanks. Just curious.

@@biancadelarosa7986 Thanks.

Mate, if I could in some way, I'd really like to have a chat with you. The behaviour you describe caused by a minor, silly conflict reads so familiar... My ex brought a silly joke about me in quite strong language the other Saturday evening as we had a glass of wine too much. I told her in a respectful and calm way that I didn't like her talking that way - she stared at me for a minute as like she was a rebooting robot, got to the kitchen without a word, left and was gone for three days. But came back without any explanation or apologies.

Conflict is so difficult because they don’t have a way of processing it in a mature way that keeps both themselves and the relationship safe. They feel the pain…remember that’s what they’re avoidant about. I’d say it’s different for each case stemming from the type of trauma/pain they went through before. If they were raised in a family where they were not allowed to have a voice, or worse- were spanked, hit, punched, kicked, ..poisoned etc for stating their feelings, even if in a matter-of-fact way, OR they witnessed such happening to a parent when conflict arose, ….realize they have NO roadmap, no good safe map on how to discuss and move through it in a mature healthy manner. So they just freeze in confusion, retreat to regroup, if they even go that far. It simply wasn’t modeled for them. The fear is- I speak up there will be pain. Somehow, pain, just pain. Conflict = annihilation. Conflict= “I’m done with you”. Conflict isn’t something to solve, it’s something that’s only felt. It’s overwhelm. It’s fear. It’s not knowing what comes next or how to handle it. It’s also tremendous shame because one can see other work through conflict, but you just can’t for some unknown reason to you. Depending on their age, there’s an immature factor to it that makes it even more difficult to deal with. Sure they had arguments with their parents but you’re assuming these arguments were resolved in a healthy way or were processed internally in a healthy way. You can have a set of parents that don’t seem abusive and the kids lovingly attached, but it doesn’t mean they have heathy arguments with them. Any abuse was probably most likely through conflict. And they don’t know, haven’t directed exactly what was abuse and what wasn’t, vs what way they might have been abusive or not. ‘’The parent is always right’’ kind of thing, even if they are horrifically abusive.

@@alexanderreul3597 maybe we can also talk cause im in the same boat with my boyfriend. i think im gonna go crazy

@@your.music.worldd If the situation seems similar, maybe consider him to be helpless in a way. Most likely those people simply don't know how their behaviour affects others. And quite likely they simply don't know how to deal with conflict or communicate their wishes and needs. So they simply escape. Quite like a child that destroys grandma's pottery and if asked what they were doing they run away , go angry and lock themselves in their room because that's their safe place. You can't do anything about that. Let time pass, give them space and focus on yourself. Quite likely nobody will be able to ever be happy with them.

@@alexanderreul3597 how are you now? Its only been a week for me and I feel crushed

Something that I heard that really resonates with me, is that if they moved onto someone else to avoid their emotions……that someone else is not getting a better version of them.

mine did

Wow, that's such a strong belief and behavior, of course. I wish I could be like that. My husband is AD and I'm on the anxious side. Very difficult. We are on the cycle. He doesn't give the energy and attachment that was wasted on his ex who doesn't care about him now. He broke her heart and mine. Flirt with work colleagues and any random girl who sounds intelligent to him. He doesn't think long-term, loyalty, or being simple. Observe that his mother is extremely avoidant, emotional unavailable person, and cold. There is a lot going on in his life. I had multiple panic attacks because I felt so deceived, do u have any advice?

@@Atanasisa I realized this guy is a narcissist, be careful, narcissist have disorganized attachment, I was taken in by his facade

She wants to check it you are around. This is a dangerous place because if you validate this she might feel at ease with th situation

@@AlexisFriedlanderi am not validating her at all but i think it's time to pull back and give her silence again. She needs to feel the loss. However two days ago she was reached out twice asking about address of two shopping centres we were always going together (it's very easy to find it on google maps). Then she complained that she has nobody to go for shopping with and asked am i working now. I don't know if she wanted to genuine meet me or just wanted to use me as a taxi because she doesnt have a driving licence. Anyway i will go radio silent again until she will come up with something significant

​@@1224polo Very good idea

@@shelita3010 well... After giving her more space she reached out to me and the conversation went on the sexual topic and she said she would call down for sex if i wouldn't be working tomorrow and it was very late in the evening 😱😱. It seems that she wants to meet me badly. Its been 6 weeks after breakup. So now i have a dillema and concerns about how i suppouse to approche it. Cause i know that she is not aware that she is DA and i would like Let her know gently that she has this issue and she needs therapy. I don't know should i do it before or after sex 🤣🤣🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

@@AlexisFriedlander well... After giving her more space she reached out to me and the conversation went on the sexual topic and she said she would call down for sex if i wouldn't be working tomorrow and it was very late in the evening 😱😱. It seems that she wants to meet me badly. Its been 6 weeks after breakup. So now i have a dillema and concerns about how i suppouse to approche it. Cause i know that she is not aware that she is DA and i would like Let her know gently that she has this issue and she needs therapy. I don't know should i do it before

Exactly. However all 4 points from the video are in. But not even a sign from him. 5 months of no contact passed. But so proud of myself I never contacted him after the break up talk.