Why Does Sex Drive Decline So Much After Marriage? 

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Experienced divorce lawyer here. Most divorce clients I see have not been intimate with their spouse for many years prior to filing for divorce. Sad but true.

My grandmother gave me the best advice. She said women don’t always want to have sex. And men don’t always want to go to work, and fix things, and tell you that you are beautiful.

Man a therapist that actually listens and tells his patients what to do to help fix the underlying issues. Who would have thought that talking it out and putting words into action would have positive results?

I was in a 10 year long relationship before I met my wife. In that relationship, we lost a lot of our sex drive after maybe 2-3 years. With my wife, after 7 years it’s just as strong now as in the beginning. Sexual chemistry is an integral part of a long relationship and we need to know ourselves and our partners well enough to get an accurate read on that.

I think small resentment starts to build and it's so hard to go back to what it was. It almost becomes awkward to be intimate, eventually it just becomes the norm to not be intimate. That is what I have experienced and seen.

My husband and I don’t have this problem. Honestly, it gets better not worse. You have more trust and you can be more vulnerable and open about what you want. I was careful to pick someone I was very attracted to. I made that mistake in my first marriage, which lasted about a year. We have been married for 12 years now.

Most common thing I feel is both sides tend to just give up. The chase is over, the commitment is confirmed, the work begins. So when it comes to downtime, there is no anticipation or randomness to the moment, just predictable everyday time spent at home, both go to bed and if nobody makes any attempt (and most would rather just sleep because tired & work worries) nothing happens. It's also why affairs and fap materials are so common, they are unpredictable, varied and exciting, mentally stimulating fantasy and drama. Being a couple is hard familiar work but the human mind loves distraction and novelty. You gotta try new things to keep each other interesting.

I find it interesting how the couples come to therapy looking to solve the sex drive issue but really the issue is the quality of their relationship itself, and the lack of sex is just a symptom of the larger underlying problem that needs working on

We don't need any words from flirting to sex. Relationships fail because one or both lose their attention to each other.

BS, there's many scenarios. Children, Businesses, stresses, mental health, issues, mood swings, menstrual cycle, exhaustion, life..... It's draining and at times almost impossible for women think about sex with all those issues and for men to try and wade through the list of problems. This is why men look for options or just don't bother.

Sex drive doesn’t decline. Attraction for your partner does.

As a woman ages her hormones shift. It's called Perimenopause it's about 10 years before menopause. During that time period that is completely scientifically underfunded and unbelievably neglected her hormones shift and so does everything else. A large portion of women develop Fibriods dryness and other symptoms to be completely brushed off by their doctors as "part of life". That 100% affects sex drive. This actually happened to me and I was told to grin and bear it. Now i'm getting an emergency hysterectomy. Within the next decade, this conversation will change dramatically because it's much more than what most are thinking. A very large portion of women develop truly unbearable personality and side effects from late 30's to mid 50's. Fix this you will fix a lot and I bet divorce rates even drop. I had no idea how bad womens health was. To even get a doctor to test your hormones is nearly impossible.

I think some women with higher testosterone levels bond like men. I love building things with my husband, doing physical labor on our property, adventuring like fishing, camping, etc. That's when I feel most bonded & attracted to him. When we experience things together, especially new things.

Because majority of people pick the wrong partner. So simple but also true.

To more I listen to these relationship problems beeing discussed, the more I think of me and my wife as weirdos. We met each others 17 years ago and the sex got so much better with time. Its true, having kids now allows less time for making love, but when we do make it, its always cloud9.

For me, it was bc my testosterone levels began to tank before having our son then cratered to below 3. I also began to gain weight despite weight training 4x per week and monitoring/reducing caloric intake. Despite daily communication and date nights and increasing touching/flirting with my husband. When I was supplemented with testosterone, all of that went away. I had more energy and actually slept better. Interestingly, it gave me insight into the surge of sex drive that most men go through, something I didn’t understand and would never understand when my Test was at “normal” levels way before were married. I propose this crater in my testosterone could be tied to long-term (10-12 years) birth control pill usage.

I give my wife lots of bonding and she loves it lol. No for real, for sex in our marriage, we've come to the conclusion that I can't ask or hint or anything, nor can I wait for her to start or "be ready". I just initiate, and she'll follow. But, we also spend a lot of time together and talk a lot whenever we're around each other and not busy, which makes it even easier to initiate.

I'm guessing multiple factors: - After a while in a relationship you settle into a routine and start taking your partner for granted, which saps the excitement out of it - You may get bored of having sex with the same partner and crave variety - People tend to have children when they're married, and children basically nuke your sex life by exhausting you and constantly interrupting your private moments

"I say to him; do this, do this, do this." After he gets home from work being told; do this, do this, do this. And this guy wonders why.

Sex once a year for the past 4 years. I don’t find him attractive anymore because of it. A man who doesn’t find me worthy of having sex with isn’t a turn on.

Some Married people actually say it gets better and better. It depends on each individual if two people talk to each it can stay fun for the both of them not just one or the other.

I can't even articulate how much sense this one video made to me!

Without going into the nitty gritty of the bedroom manoeuvres.... 7 years into our marriage and it's got better and better and better. We take care of our appearance and our self's very well. We eat well and generally take care of each other. Sex has become part of our union and has made a stronger unit. Maybe these guys need a wife like mine but I fear they would be rather tired..

It's not just marriage. Women get sexually bored within a year of living together. Chris needs to talk to Esther Perel and Emily Nagoski about this.

Distractions---Stress, children, endless demands, unresolved conflict/anger, unmet needs.

So as per usual, there is a list "to Do" for women, and as a man, we have to take it :)

Because the trap worked.

It's funny how it works just fine before getting married, isn't it?

He could not be more wrong, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with leverage biology and having a mission accomplished. It sounds awful to put it in these terms but the reality of the matter is that once you are married and/or have a child both people in the relationship have accomplished their mission. She has no reason to offer sex because frankly sex is a bargaining chip, as much as people hate to admit it. At a basic level, aside from any romantic pretensions women get provision, care and support because they are hot, fertile, good partners and give sex; men get sex because they reciprocate with devotion of resources and emotional attachment to a partner. It also has a lot to do with novelty and whether or not the woman is pregnant. The body has the intuition that if it's not pregnant with the same man over a period of time it has to keep searching for another potential male because it's a waste. There's a reason why when a woman is in her fertile stages she finds other men outside of her main relationship attractive. I really don't like putting it on these terms, it kills the romanticism we all love, but at a core level everything is much better explained in pragmatic terms. Almost all hetero male/female relationships at least at some level involve the exchange of resources and security for sex. Whether it's a girlfriend, a wife, a model, an escort, a SB or a holly wood actress there is almost always a transaction. The difference between those relationships is how much she cares about you and how she sees you beyond just the resources. The best way to generate interest, in my opinion, is to BE interesting; show, don't tell. And what is interesting for a man to be? To be desirable to other people (ie:women). Women know that sex is a retention strategy whether consciously or not; this video has it backwards. Women will often give you sex when you become desirable and/or risk losing you to competing partners.

I'm getting married this Saturday and this is the advice that a man in my position really needs.

I had a gf with the anxious attachment style. I would talk to her constantly about what gets her off and what she wanted ( me being goal oriented lol) and she just shrugged it off. She was incredibly insecure (no eye contact, i couldnt look at her body, lights off etc) and was in her head most of the time. Because of this, i felt like she was never comfortable enough to have an orgasm and just focused on trying to please me instead. Which is great, but thats easy. I wanted her to have just as much a good time as me.

This sounds like it applies for the first decade, maybe 20 years. Then medical issues come into play. If you're not communicating about that, be prepared to have less and less sex. There are more and "less expensive" ways to still have sex as you get older than a decade or more ago. But if there is no discussion as to >why< sex has dropped off the cliff and find solutions, then that is unfortunate. If both parties are too embarrassed or are too afraid (for different perceived reasons) to learn the "why", the result will probably be a lessening of closeness in the relationship. Making emotional connections will be harder. Marriages can still survive, but to lose that intimacy and live without sex for decades is sad.

Never had this problem. Even until we divorced it was always good. Finances, raising kids OTOH....

For a lot of men, variety of women is a big part of drive.

my previous comment got deleted, but theres a lot of peer reviewed studies that show there is a statistically significant direct negative correlation with length of relationship and a womens sex drive. with men there is no decline in sex drive when compared to length of relationship. in the studies they controlled for relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, and in all cases the same results emerged.

I'm sure it'll come off as old fashioned, but there's always holding off until marriage too. Perhaps that just puts off this issue for the first year, but the emotional bond is certain to be stronger as well.

I think a lot of it has to with rushing in to things, and being emotionally incompatible. As well, especially in America, people get comfortable and let themselves go physically. We have garage diets here, and it's easy to fall in to that trap, causing partners to lose attraction to each other.

Women are attracted to their husband when they see other women attracted to their husband.

A significant factor to the decline in sex in a marriage is diet related. Eating wedding cake.

I was married and it was horrible. The sex dropped off within the first year. I tried a few girlfriends after and even lived with one for a few months. My conclusion is if I allow her to live with me the mindset changes. The absolute death nail is when she has kids. By keeping my residence separate, she is still in girlfriend mode and the sex stays strong.

My wife was a Virgin so after marriage we started having sex. Beware of pregnant wives, they won't leave you alone. On my 3rd kid already. I need a break

Sometimes you can spend tons of time together and she still doesn't want it. What's the problem then I wonder? Probably the guys fault somehow still.

She eventually figures out that’s the #1 thing you value. We value the whole relationship and when it isn’t reciprocated, we withdraw and THIS kills any desire whatsoever.

I completely disagree that it’s just men’s faults “for not doing everything”. Trying to manage a wife’s expectations of what she needs emotionally is exhausting. It can also make you feel disrespected. Like I’ve done these 10-15 things for you and then… only then do I get a prize out of the machine that feels completely inorganic.

Wife's sex drive has declined just means she does not want to have sex with her husband any more. She lost her sexual attraction for her husband. She has found that there are some other men who tickle her belly more. She will never admit that of course. If husband puts too much effort to win her back, that will make her lose interest in sex with him even more. To fix this, he needs to communicate that he cannot stay married to her if he cannot get regular sex with her. She will likely try to shame him for saying that but he needs to hold his ground and ignore such gaslighting. Woman loses sexual attraction for her man once she feels she owns him 100%. She needs to feel challenge, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear to be able to stay attracted. If her husband makes her realize that she can be replaced by him (a high-value man who can still attract her replacement), her sexual attraction for him will go through the roof. That is because of the introduction of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear.

After being in a sexless relationship for 4 years, me and my ex fiance(we were and still are young)found out the issues after we broke up. Even tho the issue itself was there the entire time, it didn’t become a BIG issues until our last year where we moved in together. And the catch 22 situation that he explained in the beginning of “I don’t spend time with you because you don’t give me sex and I don’t give you sex because you don’t spend time with me” was basically 90% of it. I felt myself pulling away because she was generally not an affectionate person and the no sex on top of that made it worse. Which also made me feel no real need to spend as much quality time with her. Because even when I DID, there was still never a guarantee that I would get my end of it. And that’s why we ended up here. Because I’d sit there for months(yes months) doing what I’m “supposed to do” NOT FOR SEX but because I wanted to. Still no change on her end. And as someone who just got done living through this it just doesn’t make any sense to just throw all the issues as the “man’s fault”. I have to pander to a woman because they simply are different from us when it’s not a two way street.

Sex has gotten better for us after years of marriage. Take care of each other and yourself particularly in the health department. That impacts your sex drive. I makes sure to vet my husband's diet so he doesn't consume a lot of estrogenic substances. Make sure he is fed a very healthy balanced diet with homemade bacon instead of store bought bacon, avocado when he wants, probiotic veggies, homemade greek yogurt fit for the gods, probiotic baked beans instead of the store bought stuff. We raise our own eggs so their feed doesn't even contain soy. I also eat a very balanced diet similar to my indigenous ancestors. I have had three children within five years and I am still not hanging onto excess weight. I refuse sugar and processed foods. We have sex twice a week. I would love more, but don't want to overspend my husband like I did at the beginning of our marriage and instead give him massages and cuddles on our off days. I firmly believe a massaged and quality fed spouse gives the best sex.

In modern day society, with both husband and wife working full time busy on the go, so often the husband and wife become house mates just sharing a busy schedule together, and many women play a much more masculine role now in the office and trying to compete with men and many men today are more feminine, (trying to become best friends with their wife) and then they wonder why their wife no longer desires them.

Just from observation, once they get a ring and have kids, they lose interest. Most important, they now have all the leverage to tell their men "no". If the men don't like it, divorce will be costly.

Mine died after having my kids, a little bit after the first one, gone after the second one. Youngest is 5 and I haven’t had interest since the night she was conceived.

It declines because you start to hate each other and feel resentment.

Make sex your goal, and get no sex. Don't make sex your goal, and sexual offers are abundant.

I’m going to fully disagree with the “time” together statement. We work from home in different rooms, walk around the neighborhood 1-2 hours a day together with the dog, spend evenings streaming tv together. It’s been over 2 years. She is post menopausal. And, she said it makes her feel dirty. This after having 3 children. She doesn’t try to start the process whatsoever.

You always have to continue to play the roles when you were dating, even in marriage. It makes a lot of sense to me. Why put a lot of effort in dating but then stop when you are married?

Because she doesn't need to have it anymore. She already got him to marry her and that was the goal.

Im sick of this narrative❤Many women have the same problem. And noone gives us any cred. His drive can tank as well. Its always the narrative: «men always want sex». They dont. And this narrative makes women feel doble rejected because this narrative just is sooo prevalent.

this is true for women im glad he was able to actually learn about how we tick

Because once she gets that ring, she has nothing left to prove.

More commonly a lot of women let themselves go after the wedding... they put on a ton of weight......

As a guy who can be "derailed" by any random distraction, I'm not sure worrying about a "goal" would help me much.

This video is the reason why women sex drives go down after marriage. Men telling women why their sex drives went down, instead of listening to us. Being OK with a woman, closing her eyes and thinking of something else ….so attractive. Do you guys even listen back to these videos? How could you not know what turns a woman off or on unless you refuse to accept that our attraction is related to how we deeply feel about you.

Married to my wife for just over ten years now. It’s an at least every other day thing for us. So three to four times a week. Life is good.

If you marry someone you love your sex drive goes up knowing you picked the right one

To answer the question Because the calling out of each others flaws go ⬆️. No gender, ♀️or ♂️ likes having their flaws called out on a regular. That happens during a marriage seriously. That could explain some of the decline in libido other factors may include work stress, physical ailments, poor diets, and being called out. Just saying.

Can confirm, even with a wife who has had a horrible sexual incident during her child hood killing her sex drive. Our closeness means we have a minimum of once a week sex.

Could be for weight gain, lack of being romantic, distance, etc etc. But what about the situations when the man does everything right but one day the woman just wakes up and doesn't care for sex anymore but still truly loves the person.

So how are people in general, not just married couples, going to possibly achieve any of this when no one actually has a real relationship anymore?

No need to be sorry for the mental image of 60 year old people having sex. Many are very fit and attractive. Just because you're young, doesn't mean it's attractive. Seriously.

Unfortunately none of this was factual for my husband and I . He’s 39 and libido is shot. Is it because of lifetime cigarette smoking ? He doesn’t even have patience or the stamina and endurance to give me my turn. He ejaculates in less than 5 mins. I need long sex and intimacy not just back shots etc. we are new relationship just married and pregnant all in 7 months. I have orgasms on my own , never with him . Cus he would shut down after HE is done, we have to do it all for how long he could go for , not me. We’ve talked about all this . I’m frustrated. Why does he always think of himself only and doesn’t try to keep me happy in what I like?

I have always heard that a woman needs a reason to have sex. A man just needs a place.

Men kill interest in these ways: acting like boys, witholding as a power play, or asking women hold back feelings of love, allowing family members & friends to disrespect them - or allowing 3rd parties to interfere /damage the relationship.

This is the natural relationship cycle of women. When this happens, you know it is time to dump her - not worship her so that she can delay her inevitable tendency towards sabotaging the relationship.

My husband's sex drive declined, but mine didn't.

I disagree it depends on sexual compatibility it has less to do with how long people have been together and a variety of other things but this thing that it declines just because of time is a myth, many factors cause decline

Can we have Dr Christopher Ryan (author of Sex at Dawn) to talk about these relationships issues? You two would make a great conversation!!

As a male, I think if the wife does not treat him with respect and admiration, the husband loses interest in sex with her. If his wife/gf treats him like shit, she tries to make him feel small and worthless as a man, she tries to destroy your self-esteem, then his manhood get deflated when it comes to having sex with her. When does the wife lose interest in sex with him? If she loses respect for him as her man and/or she got bored with him. It is usually not the man's fault she got bored with him. The husband should do his duties and if that is not enough to make her happy, it is not his fault. Trying to make an unhappy wife happy is usually a losing game.

What a brilliant guest.

In a long-term relationsip sex no longer is a hedonistic, animalistic act. It evolves and is replaced with deeper intimacy. Your partner isn't a body anymore, they are a soul and a human being. During your relationship, small frustrations that are left unresolved against your partner are likely to accumulate and result in resentment. This prevents you from looking at them in a loving and intimate way. These issues need to be solved immediately by deep and honest conversations. Then you're both gonna be back on track :) This has been my experience. I know the pitfalls much better now. It takes a lot of courage and work.

I think it comes down to compatibility, and connection. Most people dont want to acknowledge those things were not there to start with or not worked on. It can get better as time goes by, even if you think it doesnt need to!

What bothers me is that the question is pointed as a problem, as if the natural process of getting old along with the libido fading is bad.

it declines after you move in with someone, thats totally natural and when it does happen its amazing! being in a relationship isnt just about sex, if your in a relationship that soley is about sex then this isnt a relationship

Uh, mine didnt! Lol. Im blessed that my husband and i have no issue there. We both stay in shape, which helps. He is also very caring and always does the sweetest, little things that mean so much and i just want to take care of him, however I can.

It's the kids...it's the fatigue lmaoooo I don't think it's a big deal sometimes you and your woman pick sleep over sex ..it be like that 😂

All this science stuff is great however women should know if she does not please her man, he will find someone who will.

Men seem to express bonding and emotion through sex only and dont see the value in shared experience.

A couple of things: -- Sex is an reliable way for women to get men to do things, especially commit to them. The more secure women feel in the relationship, the less motivated they are to have sex. Or to do sexual things they did during courting, but might find "icky". Having relationship anchors, like children, serve to facilitate this. Once a woman has 1-2 children, sex frequency will go way down. -- After the first 5 years of marriage, expect to go from having sex mulitple times a week to once per week. Part of this is aging too and the fact that work just tires people out. Having kids may accelerate this. -- For long term relationships, the big event is Menopause. After menopause, the sex drive of some women may go down to zero. -- As a man, I am convinced that most women don't like sex as much as they lead us to believe. I do think women like sex, but it's much more urge driven. A woman might go for a few months before getting the urge to have sex. I also think the sex drive of women generally declines with age. -- The sex drive of a man is far more predictable and generally does not change much with age. However, he may want more variety, even if he still likes sex with his wife. It's like having your favorite food for dinner every night. No matter how much you like it, it eventually becomes boring and you want to try different things. Add in a women's decreasing willingness to have sex, perhaps coupled with decreasing attractiveness, and adultry is almost guaranteed.

it doesn't have to... what a strange presupposition... 10.5 years married and sex is still on tap pretty much 24/7, whenever either of us wants it. Helps that I'm a relationship coach who walks his talk. ;)

It’s ironic how men in the comment section cry because another man tells them to pay a bit more attention to their wives and talk to them and sincerely care for their feelings 😂

Sorry, but the opening assertion is just plain bogus. I am 69. My closest friends are in sexless marriages of 30 and 40 years. The men committed themselves to their mates for the long term. Their mates abandoned them.

What about they gain 30 pounds within 3 years of marriage and just isnt attactive physically anymore? I married a 135 lb woman and she is 165 lb now. While i stayed at 150 lb? She "works out" and then preceed to drink alot of beer and snack in secret. This is not what i signed up for

Loved this. So curious about why this happens. Thankfully not to me, but why in so many relationships it’s the case.

My husband and I have been together 7 years and still have the same amount of sex we always had. Maybe because we dont have children? I have so many female friends from college and a lot of their husbands unknowingly permanently damaged their relationships already post partum when the woman sees him as a burden or feminine princess who works at a desk then demands physical labor of her in the home that she is doing 80% of. Seems once that damage is done its hard to recover

Really interesting!! Thank you

Because once a woman has something she doesn't want it anymore

*We didn't evolve for lifetime marriage? Is that why sex drive declines after marriage?* Sam Vaknin the Israeli psychologist, has a video on Temporary Marriage. He has his own channel. Sam would make a great guest to interview. The guy's a genius. Sam said we should change, to a system of temporary marriage. Why? History and common sense: In 1900 the average American man died at 48, the average woman at 50. We needed lifetime marriage, back then to protect women, who were vulnerable, relied on men to provide for them. Why? Lifetime marriage is a necessity when you have vulnerable women and low levels of technology. Lots of people died young in the past. Far fewer lived till their 80s, than today. This means: Long lives for everyone, long marriages for every married person, is a fairly recent thing. Not the norm for most people in the past. Not that lifetime marriage didn't happen before, it's just that so many people in the past died young, that lifetime marriage in the past didn't usually mean from your 20s till your 80s. Why not, for most people? Mostly because you'd be dead way before then. Our past was religious and we were short lived and reliable birth control only came in around 1960 and women had few options, due to the very severe limits to technology, till extremely recently in history. So we evolved the idea in our past, that all marriage should be for a lifetime. But did we evolve to pair bond with one person for 60 years? I doubt it. That's too much to expect out of one person, to be everything we need. It's a burden on both men and women. Margaret Mead the anthropologist famously was married 3 times, said she married once for passion, once for children, once for security. Wise lady. The thing I liked about the gay marriage debate is how it caused us to re-examine the pillars of marriage, the foundations. Why shouldn't gay people be allowed to marry? They should be. So the old pillar of marriage was, it's only between a man and woman. Great, we knocked down that pillar. Now it's between two people, whomever you choose. I think the new way is better. pride-fan-rainbow-open✅ Another pillar that needs re-examining is the lifetime, in lifetime marriage. Are we meant for it? I doubt it. I don't think most marriages "fail". We only think that way because we buy into the unrealistic proposition that it must be guaranteed for a lifetime. Anything else is supposedly a failure. I doubt it. Why? Look at what we actually choose: The evidence of our human choices is that, we have a high rate of divorce. That's a choice, let's stop condemning our choices. What does this choice mean, about what we truly want? Also: about 50% of American children are born outside of wedlock. What does all this mean, about what we actually want as people? In my opinion it means we are already embracing the idea of serial monogamy as the norm, temporary marriage as the new norm, not lifetime marriage. We are doing so, proving our intent by our actions. Even children within marriage as pretty much a guarantee is gone. So what's the point of lifetime commitment? So maybe we should just stop pretending we still believe in lifetime marriage? College educated women sure don't. The highest rate of filing for divorce is college educated women. When they are married and get a divorce it is the woman who files, 90% of the time. The man only 10%. With women in general it's her filing for divorce 80% of the time. Do women believe in lifetime marriage? No. So: Maybe we should just publicly tell the truth: we don't believe in lifetime marriage, not even conservatives do, if you look at their divorce stats. Then when we are honest in public about all this, we can start to see divorce and penalty free re-marriage and temporary marriage as a better option. Marriage should expire in 5 years, like my driver license.

Gents, it really is on us and I can personally attest to this. Once you've found a quality woman, do not get complacent. We need to continually be the men our women fell in love with in the first place. Too many men adopt this "why do I have to do the work" mentality. YOU ARE A MAN, LEAD. As a leader, your job is never done. Don't think because you got her you can just sit back and be lazy. Call me sexist, but nothing drives a woman more wild than a man being a man. When you fully embrace your role as a man, she can embrace her role as a woman. Take her on dates, flirt with her like you did back in the honeymoon phase, get to know her body (make her consistently orgasm!), be a leader day in day out 24/7 365. Being a man is not easy. Showing up and putting in the effort every single fucking day is what separates the men from the boys.

Women turn sex into a chore. Married couples should be having sex as much as possible. It's fun and amazing. I read an article where women decided to have sex every day for a year. And ALL of them reported more happiness, higher self esteem, more love, less fighting, etc. Sex is a blessing and women treat it like a bargaining chip

Cuz when bf gf if either withheld sex theyd get punted. But after marriage she can stop putting out and your choice is sexless marriage or broke by divorce.

I love how this guy blames the men for a woman not wanting to have sec with us. Because we don’t spend enough time with our spouse. As usual it’s always the man’s fault.