As an anxious person it doesn’t help when my ex would not only avoid and literally only continue to put me down and say I’m so sensitive needy etc all that I’m not saying that crying or angry is or isn’t mature At the same time it does not help and it certainly doesn’t give an avoidant or anyone you were with no matter the attachment to put you down negatively criticize you and would only care about there needs and act as if you needs are put into account to so in my opinion when it comes to something like that I feel it’s fair to a point where someone like me wouldn’t feel heard and validated but only disregarded and triggered. Never makes it fair when someone puts you down in any way yea I will say even though I played a part in the relationship as we all do for an anxious to subconsciously use tactics to get certain needs to feel validated out of trauma response and trigger because the other person only wants what they want I feel isn’t right but still a understanding tactic it’s sad Someone. Like me only wants to make peace. Is it only me or has anyone ever had a relationship where it felt one sided and you become the problem over your traumas and triggers unintentionally? And on top of that has anyone partner ever seemed to communicate well at times but only to realize later they just were trying to to avoid you or agree in the moment only for you to catch the pattern that they just control you and use your triggers and emotions against you ? This is not only for anxious I’m just saying for anyone in general because everyone has been in moments of feeling these ways Side note A petty thing my ex would do would put me down for how I speak text use grammar act talk behave around people So Idk some people need to realize it isn’t always about attachments And more about the persons ignorance, one sided, excuses, belittling, manipulating, gaslighting, invalidating, victimizing and overall you need to ask your self So don’t put yourself down so much if this has ever been you at some point I’m guilty for getting caught up in a recent relationship that did all this to me still going through the traumas and it’s exhausting Never felt this way before So no one should ever feel like it’s all your fault everyone has to step back reflect and see the bigger picture of others actions
@Marauder-kd8zi oh this sounds exactly like my ex! It can play detrimental damage to one's sensitive soul and they have no ability to put themselves in the opposite side. Must feel great to them to put us down when they feel down..
@Marauder-kd8zi thank you, this has helped me. I've just separated from my ex husband after a long marriage. I have been feeling terrible for the last few months and blaming myself for the marriage break down, as I know I get emotional and overreact when I am triggered. My ex has said that I was a big part of causing his mental breakdown. I need to remember that a relationship is a dynamic between two people, and it is never just one person's fault if the relationship doesn't work.
This finally explains my moms tendency to remember things incorrectly. I don't think she's trying to lie, her memory is legitimately altered by her emotions. It can be so frustrating to try to explain something about myself, she misinterprets it, then misremembers what I said, and accuses me of lying or manipulating when i try to reiterate what i meant... 😮💨
That's already gaslighting. :( But yes, my avoidant friend was the same, they do it , too. She simply "forgot" facts or saw them totally different. I could show her the original text messages, the amount of them, the many hours we spent together, it was all there. And she just said: "that was then, situations change". or "I can't remember when I stopped feeling good or relaxed around you". But stayed in the relationship for 5 months and tried to play "all good" throughout the whole time. They are weak people pleasers, too.
@@corumeachI will never be okay with the anxious the need to point fingers to the closest avoidant each time you people get information about how the world perceives you. My mom used to gaslight me this way too, actually thats why I have CPTSD. She used to twist whatever I told her about me to fit whatever narrative she needed to justify why she was feeling the way she was feeling, which usually involved seeing me as a bad child for “trying to hurt her”. Then, once I was older, whenever I tried to bring up any of those situations afterwards to work through them, she would point fingers to my dad and tell me all the ways he treated me and her worse and even tell me things I didn’t know or maybe never happened. That’s abuse. That’s leaving a child totally helpless and hopeless and a way to use her *anxiety* to avoid taking responsibility of how she was affecting me. So yea, anxious people can definitely hurt other people and you need to open your eyes to that fact, specially if your heart doesn’t want to do so. We can rescue our hearts from the trauma, but we need to be able to sit with reality first
My mum seems to have a very selective memory. When accountability is on the menu, she has poblems remembering the facts. I call that toxic and manipulative.
@@loliipop070409 I totally agree, anxious and avoidants share very similar core wounds. And can both show all the negative coping mechanisms. I just don't understand why there's always a reflex reaction like this. When someone talks about an issue of one insecure type someone having that attachment style has to point out that other insecure types have flaws as well. It's not adding to the discussion or correction of any false arguments. It's like saying "But mom, almost everyone in class got an F grade."
OH MY GOD! I think this video might just change my marriage! I always felt like I couldn't have a constructive argument with my husband because he'd exaggerate and change facts and add more stuff on top of what we're talking about and I could never bring the conversation back to trying to resolve the issue. In my head you needed to agree on the facts and then you could proceed to look for a solution. But if you can never agree on facts, you can't solve anything. And you're stuck forever. I watched this video a few days ago and took a mental note for next time I'm talking to my husband about something we don't agree on. As usual, he exaggerated, blamed me and assigned malicious motivations to my behaviour. I decided to sympathise with his feelings while not agreeing to what he was saying. I said I could see how he would be so upset if he saw things that way. He was taken aback! He actually paused and looked thoughtful. I then decided to not get stuck over facts and not to correct them. I just said I disagreed about my motivations and said what my motivations actually were. He didn't validate but he listened. I've never seen him that quiet! He would always continue to shout over me and pile on increasingly ridiculous "arguments". I then was able to encourage moving to brainstorming solutions with him and we agreed on some next steps! WOW! This is obviously just a start but I'm feeling hopeful. Thank you, Heidi! I feel like I have the power to change my life, to feel, and to be fulfilled one day because of your videos ❤
Omg!!! This was my experience with my ex for months till I couldn't take it anymore and had to walk away 😮 this video and breakdown explains soooo much😅 thanks for Your comment
I recently discovered your videos and it's honestly terrifying how precisely, down to the detail, you have basically narrated the death of my marriage. Oddly finding all of this does make me feel more sane in the end. Found this too late to help with my wife but I hope to be better the next time around
As a person with anxious attachment strategy who cannot stand "storytellers" this generalization horrifies me. If someone exaggerates something to me in order to elicit a particular emotion, I view that as manipulation and immediately lose a lot of respect for that person.
It’s unintentional manipulation & the bigger issue is if they don’t get it check it gets worse . Their partner could try doing more but the anxious person fears won’t allow them to be satisfied and once the partner starts to get trained can’t unable to do more or refuses it . The anxious partner will just the ink the were correct the entire time
@@devinjohnson9749so right. Like you're an angel from heaven if you're tolerating everything and neglecting yourself to fulfill their needs, and if you learn better and ask them to do the work or leave, they're like "you never even loved me, you never gave a shit ab me" I MEAN, wow, i did nothing for you?
Same. After a few times the same happening, I lose my trust with them. I understand emotions running strong and them not always being reasonable, but when its lies Im out.
@@HomeFromFarAwayI agree. This is such a weird thing to say in a RU-vid comment, but I had a realization during a lot of my trauma when I was 7 where I looked in the mirror and told myself I wasn't gunna ever lie about myself again. Or lie in general. I was telling people at school my family was millionares and would brag to make friends. This is pretty normal for 7 looking back. And of course I'm sure I've lied after that, but not on the big things, ever. More like if my boss asks me if I'm having a good day when I'm not and I say yeah anyway. I've never related more to a video but my boyfriend and I are working through are unhealthy attachment and I want to show him this bc I'm anxious, but he's avoidant and showing him this would be deteriorating. It's almost such a good video. If only she could've said not all anxious do this!
I can listen and provide empathy when the exaggeration is about work. It's most difficult when the distortion/exaggeration is about your relationship and about how you mistreat them when you really try to love them.
Omg you’re telling me. I’m avoidant and my gf (ex?) is anxious. She would exaggerate about things I said and my tone of voice and I would call her on it and correct her then she would get mad and say I’m too technical and invalidating her feelings. Literally exactly what she said in this video is what happened lol
But yes it’s hard to have empathy in the moment because at least in my experience, it made me feel like they’re lying about me and being dishonest due to a lack of respect. Like my thoughts would be “well if that’s your perception of me you must think I’m pretty shitty” I had no clue this was common in anxious attachment types I just thought my gf was delusional.
@@user-ze8sx1cc6n hahahaha yeah the thing is an anxious person is actually activated by OUR avoidant behaviors or vibes so they get more and more anxious as the relationship goes on because we also become more and more avoidant when dealing with them. I am not gaslighting myself but there are some anxiously attached people who can be in a relationship without getting so dysfunctional if they are with partners that can soothe them. So it is sometimes the case that we avoidant bringing the worst out of them. We really have a hard time getting truly vulnerable and give what the other person is asking. It feels very wrong for our system to equate that with love. But love is about soothing each other. Of course ALSO about being respectful. The growth has to come from both sides. It’s just sometimes the chemistry and feelings get developed so fast the dysfunction dynamics form too fast and very quickly become so rigid and tense that it seems like breaking up is the only way to go
I’m the anxious one and my husband is avoidant. I’m quite moderate, he’s super avoidant though. I can tell from my experience that once my emotions are acknowledged and in soothed with the help of my husband even by grounding, hugging whatever (a bit like a baby, this is humiliating but that’s what it is for me sadly) then I’m happy to move on to more rational aspects and will find some holes in a story and am happy to unravel that with my husband who’s the reasonable one. But I need some care and love first.
I am learning now that my relationship is the same. But my husband is not good at soothing or acknowledging my emotions. And when he does try, it never feels genuine. It feels forced, fake, and then I feel worse. And I feel like I become avoidant in the process. I feel like I have Anxious attachment style, but become avoidant to not be further hurt by my husband’s inability to comfort me.
@@mynameisray6174this sounds like a manipulative question. I think heidi missed a large number of anxious avoidants who do not lie and who hold facts as a deep value
So… for anxious attachment style, feelings override facts. I was here looking for videos about the anxious episodes, the feeling of needing someone to hear you now (or you cease to exist etc), and then it turns out that could be a feeling that overrides the truth. I feel emotions intensely, don’t know how to handle them, and feel extremely alone if there’s no one to hear me and empathize with me right now. But “I’m alone in this world completely and meaning cease to exist if no one hears me” is not the fact. It only feels that way. Now I get how self-soothing can come into the picture
I am more on the avoidant side and could not understand my partner very much at first. I would focus on fact, and problem solving him on feelings and expression of that, they're actually both valid but wow, at the time it felt like talking two different foreign languages. Fascinating to realise that now.
U can be an avoidant but still be very emotional. It’s confusing but always look at how the person tries to solve a dilemma or how they react to stressors/emotions.
yeah. I think Heidi missed a part of the anxius spectrum that genuinely values truth and not being manipulative. basically she is describing more BPD than simple anxious attachment
So when I see the anxious attachment person is omitting their role, exaggerating the facts and totally ignoring context I am supposed to just accept this as reality? I just can't. It feels like they are allowed to just change things to dramatize their hurt feelings. It's frustrating and just gives them ground to just carry on that they are hurt and therefore I should be sorry for their hurt, but they totally miss the reason or the message in the conflict. I feel like they are just twisting the situation and its unfair. Sometimes conflict involves getting hurt, it is part of it, in order to express a problem or issue. Literally changing reality just to focus on hurt feelings is manipulative.
I wasn't expecting to listen to a masterpiece tonight, but here we are. This is low-key brilliant. You make explaining complicated interpersonal dynamics look easy! Really, truly, well done. Tough concepts to explain and weave together, and you delivered masterfully. I appreciate the amount of careful thought that went into this video; I'm a fan👏👏👏
I have compassion for people experiencing strong emotions, and I tolerate their exaggerated stories, until I witness over and over how poorly they can speak about people who hurt them, but are completely fine with the same people as soon as the emotions calm down. Same goes for participating in conflict, when triggered, they say and do horrible things which they can never take back, but as soon as they calm down, they behave as if nothing happened, and generally think it's okay to act this way "in the heat of the moment" without any consideration for the consequences. Avoidants can be cruel in their own ways but they are usually more stable people to be around.
Exactly. It's because they give more weight to feelings than actions I think.. So behaviour gets justified because feelings overrules . And why many APs who are generally kind and sweet can get vile once emotionally triggered.
"how poorly they can speak of people who hurt them" broke me. I should've recognised the red flag when she would talk about everyone in her past like they were devils. Sure, i am angry and i can be angry if I'm hurt but i never ignore empathy, even for my abusers(pathetic). This was only visible to me when she refused to listen to my feelings and boundaries after i tried to leave numerous times. As if, I'm only being heard when I'm tolerating everything and acting like an object of endless supply of needs fulfilment.
@@sunbeam9222also talk about never taking responsibility. I have empathy for APs for freaking sure, but not those who treat their partners like band aids and never actually do the work.
How do you know for sure they are exaggerating? How do you know they aren’t nice afterward because they aren’t heard and they are anxious to lose the relationship and the confrontation didn’t work? So they hide their emotions again till they become too much to handle and them explode again?
"Same goes for participating in conflict, when triggered, they say and do horrible things which they can never take back" wow...Yes My husband purposely calls me names to try to get a rise out of me. He does later apologize, but for me as an avoidant, it just solidifies my thinking that, "yes see emotions are bad to express because it is always uncontrolled". lol I actually told my husband just yesterday that when he tries to placate me because I'm starting to show frustration and he says, "stop you are being defensive". Let me be defensive. If you want me to take on your emotions and 4 hour long arguments, then let me be frustrated and express my emotions. He cannot let me actually have emotions which is something I didn't realize until I started watching Heidi's videos and realizing that my husband is anxious and I'm avoidant. Funny enough my husband is who figured out I'm avoidant. Edit: 4 months later and my husband has done it again and again again. Calls me names to get a rise out of me. I'm absolutely done with this stupid cycle and hope he can find the right woman for him. It ain't me.
You changed my life . Omg, Your words opened my brain And I am never going to respond to my avoidance partner ever again the way that I did. And it changed my life so thank you.
So you just explained the dynamic I've been struggling with for the last year-and-a-half in my relationship. She will get triggered by some - to me - seemingly innocuous thing, that I said or did, then confront me with a "why did you do this .... " and then proceed to dramatically recount what happened, using hyperbolic language and in an incredibly negative tone when trying to quote me. I inevitably come back with "I definitely did NOT say it like THAT", in criticism of the tone she used to quote me. This inevitably leads to her thinking I'm being petty, and sometimes accusing ME of gaslighting HER. I started dubbing this "reverse gaslighting", because she will feel absolutely convinced that she has encapsulated my intentions with her impression of me, and will press me to supplicate and apologize to her, for that impression. It makes me ill to think about apologizing for something I did not do, simply to get some peace. I am happy to learn and apologize, as long as my intentions are understood and I feel seen and heard (this actually brings me some joy) ... but when someone is - to me - totally misrepresenting the essence of what happened, I can't fully budge. Luckily we have learned some more healthy ways to communicate and work through these things, but this is the basic pattern of the majority of the conflicts we have.
Holy shit! Same though!! Reverse gaslighting is exactly how I feel in these interactions, no matter what I do or say it'll be twisted to be my fault or taken the most negative possible way. What is the healthy way you learned to communicate?? How did that initial conversation go? To say like "hey we need to do something different here" like how did you do that. How might I do something similar?
@@Saphirefenix I was using the Speaker Listener Technique to inform my communication with her, which helped immensely. But she only sometimes returns the favor, and certainly not when feeling emotionally triggered. I'm afraid it's overall a lost cause in our case. She seems more interested in feeling validated, and trusting her gut, than finding the root causes and addressing them accordingly. She has a lot of trauma and a vicious internal dialogue, and I time and time again see her react to any type of critical feedback with a knee jerk reaction of feeling attacked, and can tell that it's getting conflated with her nasty internal dialogue. Which then activates the full defense system, and puts her in counter-attack mode. It's sad that she's not fully available for working on growth. I noticed quite a long time ago that all of her self-care and therapies are centered on soothing symptoms and feeling validation. And that anything that insinuates she is "at fault", as she would put it, gets dismissed or counter-attacked. I don't know of a healthy way to approach this. It's a real quagmire.
These are my thoughts exactly. How can you resolve an issue and have a healthy relationship if somebody is asking you to jump into a quicksand pit of unresolvable, erratic and unfounded emotion with them? It's like the difference between empathy and sympathy. If you're on a boat and someone is drowning, you empathize and throw them a lifesaver as opposed to sympathizing and jumping in with them and both drown.
This is so helpful! Because I get an emphasis on "the truth" from my avoidant partner a lot and I'm like "this FEELS true to me!!!" It makes a lot of sense the way you broke it down into both perspectives.
I can't get over how brilliantly you see and are able to explain these dynamics. Such helpful information for me to better navigate these exact arguments which are all too frequent. Thank you so much!
My ex broke up with me citing embellishment (exaggeration) and not giving him the benefit of the doubt as actions that show I don't value him. I'm still heartbroken but I'm glad I found your channel to learn and grow from the break up.
WOW. OH MY GOD. You have explained the way my husband moves through arguments and disagreements and it drives me MAD. My husband will literally talk to me for hours (this is NOT an exaggeration) trying to explain to me, with all of these hypothetical situations that he makes up, how he feels and why I need to respond in a certain way. All it does it is just piss me off and exhaust me and yes I try to go back and understand what lead to what and why we are here now. lmao 8:55 BINGO! And if you don't have that same exaggerated feeling, they call you narcissistic, cold, without empathy etc. 10:04 Yes and they will start screaming to try to get a reaction out of you, that they think they should have received... What a mess.
I hear you. It is infuriating to me to consider I have to suffer because somebody else isn't willing to take responsibility for their own emotions when I am working so hard to put mine aside and focus on the facts in order to resolve the issue. Why should I have to handle both of our emotions? That does not feel like a healthy relationship with another adult.
@@Tobhiyah It's not healthy. I'm in the middle of another argument. For me I would rather leave and be single my entire life, than to deal with an anxious person's bullshit anymore. I've already decided that if my husband and I divorce, I am not dating anyone ever again. If any man tries to come into my life, I'm going to tell them to F off.
@@gracep2910 Nope after 20 years of this, no way in hell am I dating or marrying ever again. My Dad died and his funeral is tomorrow. Apparently I didn't say sorry the right way for my husband since his teeth are in poor shape and one cracked off. I'm now autistic, no empathy and whatever else he just screamed at me. All because I just said sorry and didn't do it how he wanted. Whatever that was. He refuses to go to the dentist or doctor, so it is bull&%^. This time I'm done. I told him this was the final one for me. I told him he can go find the girl that says sorry right for him and comforts him the way he needs. I literally do not give a sh*t anymore.
I hear you. When I divorced I felt the same way. I never wanted to be "trapped" again. After a lot of self-work I have learned to look for red flags, have (and maintain) healthy boundaries and (years later) am happily married. No relationship is without it's challenges, the difference is when you're with someone who puts as much effort into healthy communication, responsibility and love as you do and doesn't waste time just arguing semantics to death. Best wishes. @@ChaiLatte13
This information has helped me understand why I’m having difficulty composing a song I’ve been working on for almost a month: “I create based on my emotions, and if I don’t understand what I’m feeling, the process becomes a lot more strenuous.” Thanks, Heidi!!
Maybe I’m a bit of both. I agree to a certain extent. I lean anxious and recently got out of a relationship with an avoidant partner, who offered friendship and support after the breakup. When I try to communicate and integrate how I FEEL, I also focus on the FACTS. But when I try to do this, the avoidant dismisses both, so it makes me feel even more hurt that they don’t want to follow through with their offering of friendship and support. It seems the avoidant isn’t actually wanting a true friendship, but, rather, a one sided relationship where things only go their way… I’m nearly convinced they are a narcissist.
This video helped me realize my partner and I both have a disorganized attachment style. We tend to lean one way, so I thought we were anxious and avoidant, but we seem to have traits from the respective category too. The fights based on feeling invalidated when the other doesn't understand something hits really deep.
Heidi, I love your videos! I'd love if you did a series on how each attachment style may present differently in men and women. In my opinion and experience, Avoidant and Anxious men and women come across very differently. Thanks for all of the information you provide!!!
Could the two styles ever have opposite tactics? I'm anxious and my girlfriend is avoidant. All the other typical traits describe us, but this is where we switch. She is entirely into feelings. I'm into "the truth" and what led up to these feelings. I have tried to first listen to what she says and validate what she is feeling. I never mention that she's overexaggerating because even though she is, I know how dismissive it can seem and I hate when it's said to me. Once we've talked about her feelings, I then try to ask about the facts surrounding what happened to try to better understand her emotion. She still takes this as being invalidating. Her feelings trump all reality.
these are not like different medical infections where you either have one bacteria, or another, or both. attachemnt wounding is about how a si gle system can have various forms of distortion and patterning, but they're the same system
How do I even begin to stop doing this? I know I have an anxious attachment. I had NO idea that I was even trying to get him to understand my feelings. I thought I was trying to get him to understand the situation. And I don't *think* I fudge the truth, though I do make assumptions about what other people are feeling when they say something (which I now recognize is wrong the vast majority of the time). But my ex says this is exactly how we miscommunicated. And I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. Your videos have been a huge help in understanding where I go wrong. I just have a really hard time understanding how to get better.
She has a couple videos where she breaks down the anxious style for the avoidant style, then the avoidant style for the anxious style. It's basically a deeper more dedicated version of this video. She mentions the practice of Extreme Honesty, as a way to train our thoughts to contextualize in a more healthy way, and to stop the exaggeration and projections that may be coming from a less healthy mindset. I would also recommend the Speaker Listener Technique by PREP to offer an infrastructure for healthy communication. I think it's absolutely great that you made it here, are seeking this information out, and I wish you the best of luck!
This is fascinating. Traditionally my wife is the avoidant and I am the anxious, but what you're describing is a behavior that my wife often exhibits in conflict, and the avoided response is often what I do.
This is a great explanation. Thank you! The one problem I see with real-world application is that people with this extreme inability to self-regulate, seldom make it to adulthood without addictions. So the lies they tell can be to communicate some other feeling, like "I don't want anyone to get between me and this bottle of Vodka," or "I really need to cheat on my spouse" or "I need to go to the casino with a cash advance." You don't know what they're lying about this time, but you know their lips are moving. How does one handle this reality? Anxiously attached people are humans with human problems, not just angels with strong feelings they have a hard time with.
This is so relatable rn wish I knew all of this before I went and messed up a recent relationship with this great girl!! Learning experience better now than never
Thank you for this !!! ... I'm trying to learn my anxious attachment as part of my personal growth.... Being a newlywed to an avoidant has been eye opening. I'm learning myself as well as his avoidant traits. Trying to understand each other takes effort but certainly worthwhile 💙💙
Thanks so much, Heidi. So much helpful content on your channel! This shed a light on why I feel irritated with a friend and what I need to do to meet here more securely.
This was me (anxious) and my Dad (avoidant)!! Holy Mackerel!!! The death spiral you mentioned is SO EXACTLY what happened every friggin TIME we tried to really talk. The horrible irony ( is that the right word? A crying SHAME, feels more right) here is this: I have had CPTSD and Emotional Dysregulation which I see now, skewed my attachment style. The confusing and overwhelming emotional state I lived with led me to live with more emphasis on emotions which were artificially magnified and became the overwhelming TRUTH of what I was able to understand, than my NATURAL REGULARED condition is emerging as being in my more healed state. I'm much mire able to ficus on facts without being wishy washy all over with emotions! I still don't want to talk to my father at this late date. But it is sad. This breach need never have happened. But it did. And, as i keep saying- I don't feel like I did all this work on myself just so I can handle his abuse better. Butcha got me thinking- that's for sure!! Brilliant, Heudi! Thank you.
So this is why my anxious ex loved to rile me up so much. She would keep the argument going for hours and hours until I broke and got to the same level of emotional immaturity she was at. Never again.
My wife is avoidant and I am anxious, but I think we behave the opposite of this. I’m more more hung up on facts and order and she’s more about feelings. I tend to look for incongruences more.
Phew. This is just the mental model and vocabulary I needed in order to help me pump the brakes on a recent event that had enough energy and “stickiness“ to cause a destructive chain reaction.
Hey! Thank you for this video. I would be really interested in this topic but regarding the at times close to dying experience of spiraling down in our emotional exaggeration. Where suddenly we lose every hope and everything is grey in our life. That’s what I initially thought this video will be about.
Hi!! I think what you are talking about is an *emotional flashback* Its a common trait in CPSTD. Avoidant and fearful avoidant people have them too (if they are traumatized enough lol) though it can be expressed different in each attachment. Hope this helps in your journey!
@@loliipop070409 thank you for your message! Sometimes it’s hard to grasp a concept before. The word flashback always makes me think of remembering something. But I guess it’s rather the body or subconcious remembering and us reacting to it…
@@hansisgarten yesss, exactly like that. The situation in the present made your body feel a little like it felt in a really distressful situation when you were really little, so now it brings to the present the deepness of the original feelings. When I understood my unalivement impulses like that, it really surprised me in how much distress can a baby be, masters of existential horror really lol.
@@loliipop070409 phew yea I feel that. It can be so hard to believe the feelings of that child. I’m happy to read from individuals like you that are looking so deep into the darkness
Very useful video 😊 I’m anxious attached and my mom is avoidant. I’m also ENFP and she is ESTJ. So we could not be more different. We’ve had a couple of these fights to say the least.
Is this not a bridge building exercise between partners? Congruent thoughts in your explanation and spot on. This is an ENFP tilling of a field geographically located to yield a certain crop. This topic is difficult and I think you explained it well. That said we are all avoidant and anxious with regards to attachment. It's why we choose certain careers, routes to happiness, etc.
I think the part that's missing here is that it's normal to want a validating response when looking for emotional support. It's a normal human need to look for support from a partner even if you are capable of self regulating. If you told your partner "This happened at work today and it upset me" and your partner brushes it off and says "well that wouldn't bother me, I think you should brush it off". That response lacks empathy and rejects/dismisses the internal experience of the partner looking for support. That response IS invalidating. A validating response would be, "I'm sorry you're feeling upset by what happened, can you give me some more details on the situation so I can understand where you're coming from?" Telling someone they should brush it off because I personally wouldn't feel that way in a particular situation is the actual definition of invalidation. They were looking for human connection and instead their experience was judged based off what emotions their partner would feel in the same situation. It is very normal to feel escalated and want to try to defend your inner experience when your experience is being invalidated/dismissed. Wanting to feel understood and validated from a partner is a normal human need. Even if their partner wouldn't be bothered by it and that would be valid for them. That doesn't mean that feeling upset by it is any less valid for a different person. Wanting your partner to respect your individual internal experience is HEALTHY. Labelling someone as having an insecure attachment style for having a negative response to being invalidated is not a healthy or constructive view of relationships. Even if the avoidants intention was to further understand that doesn't change that the statement WAS invalidating. While I do agree with the research that has been done on insecure attachment and how that effects our relationships. I think there is a lot of misinformation out there that gaslights people into thinking that they have an attachment issue when in reality they are having a human response to being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable and/or emotionally abusive. Chronic invalidation and denial of a persons internal experience in excess can be a sign of emotional abuse. It's not healthy and even a securely attached person can experience emotional dysregulation in an invalidating environment. As someone who has been in therapy for years, it makes me so sad to think that someone in a toxic relationship would see this video and think they just need to fix their anxious attachment style, instead of realizing that even if they do have an anxious attachment style, they deserve to have a healthy, validating, partner and their response is valid.
I’ve noticed she has a more positive bias when talking about avoidant attachment styles because she was once avoidant. It definitely shows when she talks about scenarios like the one you mentioned. I agree that regardless of your attachment style, your feelings should be validated because they are real to you in that moment. If your partner thinks you’re overreacting they can just offer their opinion in an appropriate manner.
@@kaylindiaz5838 If you browse the content of reformed anxious people, once they truly understand their behavior and how it comes across to others, they tend to have even harsher criticism towards their own attachment style. In many senses, avoidant people learned to be adults at a very young age, while anxious people never did, and are still expecting others to take care of them. That's why they get more criticism.
@@anzelaiv I’m not speaking about the general population or even the viewers that watch her videos. I’m referring to the way she speaks as the “expert”. There’s a stronger undertone of judgement towards anxious attachment vs. avoidant. If you’re speaking as an “expert” on a topic, it’s best to leave most biases out.
@@anzelaivoh god yeah. I remember a situationship with a DA. I was so starved of my own self acknowledgement, self acceptance, self love and at the same time so sure I was the healthy and the right one and he was just sooooooo #*&+@^¥* 🤦😂😂 I've apologized silently a few times for being so mean to him. I was just acting from a place of lack and blaming him for not feeding me what only I could feed myself. And ofc I also thought I was super self aware too now I know that blaming anyone else for the way I'm feeling is lack of awareness somewhere within me and life is soo much more beautiful
I understand what you are saying and that when you arent being validated it is hurtful and comes across as uncaring. My experience was the just the vast amount of validating my anxious partner was asking me for was draining and at some point I switched off. It's like the boy who cried wolf, the small things were communicted as huge, massive, giant emotions, and they were so frequent that when there were truely big problems I was exhausted and not giving them the attention they deserved.
“The story is irrelevant - ignore the story and focus on the feelings” Could not be more accurate! “What needs to get dealt with is not always solved by understanding the sequence of events” “The end goal is getting an understanding of how we feel!” So incredibly true! This is one of your best ones! Excellent choice of words and very well presented as always.
Had this exact dynamic play out tonight with gf. Told her I assume the context of what I say is implied and very important. She focuses on emotion (no context taken). She always says so "I must be crazy then" lmao. So freaking funny watching this dynamic play out. Guess I know what to do to handle it even better next time.
Its so difficult for avoidants to regulate all the time the anxious feelings. Personally, im losing my respect for the people that understand the world through emotions and need others to regulate them every other day. Yes they are bombing you with attention in the beginning, but when the honey period ends, you will understand you are getting tired living like this
I agree, zero ability to name their own emotions and why they feel this way and also zero ability to sooth themselves, its like having a baby in an adult body that behaves like baby and needs your attention 24/7, its just so exhausting...
This happened to me. Im guilty of this. If i were honest in my explanation,.. i would have gotten the positive support i really needed. But, i was embarrassed to tell the truth. It cost me my career job i loved. It's devastated me emotionally. I have severe depression, anxiety and insomnia now. Its destroyed me,.. and it has disabled me.
Omg you finally made it clear to me why I told my therapist a story which kinda happened to me kinda not. The reality was that i had a talk with my mom wich made me feel like she's comparing herself to me. So i remember telling my therapist about this conversation with my mom but i added stuff that were never said in this convo just to make my therapist believe me when i told her that i feel like my mom compares herself to me. I was always wondering why i did that and felt like such a liar... This vido made it all clear to me!
It’s a delicate dance. I feel triggered when the exaggerations hits and I now understand better that my trigger and my action to point out that trigger will only bring them more anxiety so it makes sense to make a note of the thing, clean up the situation, and at a later non triggered moment go back to the situation to express my need for truth telling.
One piece that this explanation is missing is the shame and fear avoidants often feel when there is a problem (because they feel blamed or responsible for fixing it), which leads them to sometimes deny there is a problem. So there is some taking things personally on their side in there, too.
And when it happens that an avoidant is feeling emotions like shame or feel. that the anxious does not want to deal with, suddenly the anxious person will switch to facts instead of feelings. I've seen it in my husband.
The situation and interactions are like a snake eating its tail. If an avoidant is always responsible to help the anxious person manage their feelings no matter, if they are based in truth, or not, by default, if the feelings are not based on fact, or logic, the anxious person makes the Avoidant person the problem or villain because they don't feel like they care. That gives the avoidant person feelings of fear, confusion, shame, and guilt because they are being gaslight. It makes sense they would pull away when managing their own emotions and life becomes something beyond their control and minimized. 😢 Feelings based on facts and truth are important too. Just because someone is hysterical and acting out Doesn't mean they should get their way.
Just hearing how I approach conversations like this as an anxiously attached person make me feel like I'm wrong and we should all just see the world like the avoidant people... logical and no drama, no distortions of facts.
@@branver1172 well this video is about anxiously attached people so she probably has that another video Although she does she has said that she leans towards an avoidant style so maybe she doesn't really notice or emphasise that as much. But it definitely won't be in this video
I have an anxious attachment style due having a narcissistic parent and emotionally unavailable parent and conversation is difficult with my partner when trying to express my emotions and my memory doesn't make it better, when dealing with a factual partner. we really both need to meet each other in the middle. i tend to feel misunderstood a lot and bottling up emotions. this video was a lot of help understanding how better to communicate Thankyou
Hi Heidi :) something I would be super interested in listening to is how to let go of hope (as enfps are endless optimists and opportunists) especillly past relationships as hope stops us from moving on. How do we finally say yes while I can see a future with us I believe it could happen, I know it’s not what’s best for me and I decide I have to let go of the hope and the dream that it could be okay.
You are great - but not even in your attention in the anxious attachment strategy. Please consider with a second video in which you present the same conversational dyads, but with more acute attention on the attachment avoidant person. Particularly - their allergy to feelings and emotions / whether their own, or those of their partner. Thank you
you’re the only person who has touched on my paradigm. i’m pretty crazy. no one gets it. there’s no help for people like me apparently. so is there light? or should i just keep destroying things?
Heidi, I just want to thank you for your teaching and sharing. I've grown so much with your help and others like Patrick Teahan. Real world decisions, moving forward and allowing possibilities to exist outside of my previous awareness. Keep up the good work. I'd like to support your work. How can we do that? Zelle, Paypal etc?
Nope it isn't worth it. After dealing with this for 20 years, it truly is NOT worth it. No matter what you try to do, it will never be good enough for the anxiously attached. They will exaggerate and call you names during fights to try to bring you into their emotionally heightened state. There has to be quite the love or bond there (maybe codependency or something) for someone to endure this nonsense. Most people would leave. Edit: I now know there is also ADHD at play too which apparently is a major issue. There's an ADHD partner subreddit that has been helpful. It is not a super power like some suggest. It destroys relationships.
Yeah the woman told me I am a phycopath and I was mentally abusing and controlling her because I told her I feel bad about her flirting with other guys…. It’s not worth it they are “insecure” yet they do evil things that they don’t want to happen to themselves. Narcissists are even better at least you know they are mentally disturbed… anxious attachment style woman are the worst, they will say they love you and yet seek someone else before dropping you of… so you are in the shoes of someone who truly loves the woman and tries to support her but you end up getting stabbed in the back multiple times and being called “controlling” “insecure” “crazy” ect.
Yeah the woman told me I am a phycopath and I was mentally abusing and controlling her because I told her I feel bad about her flirting with other guys…. It’s not worth it they are “insecure” yet they do evil things that they don’t want to happen to themselves. Narcissists are even better at least you know they are mentally disturbed… anxious attachment style woman are the worst, they will say they love you and yet seek someone else before dropping you of… so you are in the shoes of someone who truly loves the woman and tries to support her but you end up getting stabbed in the back multiple times and being called “controlling” “insecure” “crazy” ect.
only listening to this because my fiance described me as exaggerating often and i didnt understand it and dismissed it .... until i ssw this title -- i have been very aware of my anxious attachment style lately and i want to be different
Hmmm… I thought I was the anxious attachment style because I have intense feelings and I want to coregulate and make decisions together. And I do feel loved when someone acknowledges my emotions in a supportive way. But I don’t think I exaggerate stories. But maybe I’m just completely blind to it. I certainly have been told that I’m intense, but I don’t think anybody would classify me as a drama queen and I tend not to be interested in drama in relationships are at work. I’ll have to pay attention and see if I do this in more subtle ways.
Is the anxious partner aware they are distorting if it’s pointed out? Or do they just need to accept what they partner is telling them is true even though that’s not how they remember it? It’s super frustrating when people are like, “oh you’re feelings are valid. And you have to accept that’s *your” truth. It’s like calling You a liar. Can anxious people not trust their mind to see how people mistreat them?
I think it’s more about understanding that, for all humans, feelings are not always a good mirror of reality. And actually they change pretty quickly, for all of us. So it is wise to learn to sit with your feelings and feel them in your body until they become something else (else being ANYTHING else, not just no-conflictive or confortable feelings) , and then once you listen to all of you and your feelings, you make a decision about how to act. Or how to bring something up in a conversation with someone.
I'd go further with this! I'm Anxious/Preoccupied with an Avoidant GF. That said, I have an equally Anxious best friend who is dying of Stage 4 Cancer. HE IS NOT SATISFIED unless everyone around him feels (Sympathetic) what he feels. My response though isn't Anxious. It's INTJ 4w5.
BTW, Thank You! Your productions are almost precient, sometimes! You often post on the same days that I'm having exactly THAT misunderstanding with someone!
Herein lies the issue for me...these triggered states almost always involve me. So when I approach a situation where their reactivity hurt me or triggered me somehow, they exaggerate(sometimes full on lie) to the point where my hurt is not only invalidated, but made to seem preposterous, because whatever it was I unknowingly did to elicit said reactivity is transformed into some grand transgression. I find myself over and over again bringing up a hurt I experienced and walking away apologizing for how I somehow caused it. I want to be there for her in these moments, but when she exaggerates or totally lies about things that I did, I have to respect myself enough to say, no and recognize that the exaggeration is a strategy to validate her reactivity and invalidate my feelings about it. While this does make lots of sense, it seems like a generous interpretation of really destructive behavior.
This is so me, I have to give so many story examples so that can fully understand what I’m feeling. I really have tried the secure response but I was with an avoidant
If another anxiously attached person reads this: Do antidepressives help? I've been thinking a lot would be better if I stopped having the intense negative emotions that poison my thoughts and make me exaggerate the situation in my mind, resent the person, make bad decisions and get stuck in self pity Edit: I also generally feel lost, tired, unmotivated and at times numb so I might actually have some mild depression as well
When I feel something intensely and try to tell my INTJ husband, I find that I rephrase it in every way I can think of until I get the reaction I want from him. It feels almost manipulative but I just want him to see my side and what is happening inside of me. He didn’t want to visit my mom and family for Mother’s Day even though it was planned in advance (he isn’t particularly fond of my mom) and I was really hurt by that. I kept saying things but wasn’t getting through to him, and I may have said a couple mean things :( and eventually I said, *while crying* “Do you not see that you’re my whole world, and they are a big part of my world too, and you not going makes me feel like I have to choose one or the other?” He finally buckled, hugged me, and agreed to go.
I was with an avoidant INTJ as well and same dynamics. Sadly he didn't have that patience and understanding when I reached out again and again trying to explain why I behaved the way I did....
Being scared all the time sucks, as anxiously attached ppl we already have more anxiety than needed. After the breakup I realized the worst thing I did was abandoned myself before he did... Heidi gave good insights about self-care and accountability. Now I'm soothing my emotional void with the idea that it sực he left but I will be okay, I can heal in my way. Although I'm aware how rare it is for me to have a deep connection like the one I had with my INTJ. Mine was challenging because of other situational factors as well. You can definitely build a strong relationship with your husband since he's cooperative, approaching from the conscious level - attachment theory and practicing non-violent communication will do.
@@maianhv6668 thank you so much for that❣️ I believe I’ve somewhat abandoned myself too, by not loving myself. And my anxiety and insecurities get reflected in my relationship, which I’m fully aware of, and that only makes me more anxious. I found this quote from a book I bought at a thrift store, “The whole world could love you, but if you do not love yourself, you would not even notice. The opposite is also true-the whole world could disapprove of you, but if you love yourself, you would not even notice. Accept yourself within you and the entire world becomes totally acceptable.” -“I Come As A Brother” A Remembrance of Illusions It’s just applying that, and learning how to love myself is what I’m struggling with. But I’ll get there, eventually. I am happy you’re finding you’re way and learning to heal. That is so powerful and invaluable. And I believe it would truly make your relationships even more fulfilling in the long run.
I think the story should be heard and understand still not completely ignored it or their feelings because the storyteller may be wrong or partially wrong in the situation but they don’t want to take the accountability
These things are very very different! Check out the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder and talk to a clinician if you think you have it! Periods of mania and depression are not inherent to fearful avoidant attachment (depression may be related but mania almost definitely not).
Man, when i get anxiety, I have an urge to either complain and cause a fight over unwarranted jealousy and find a problem, or overly smother with love or romanticism.
As you speak, I am associating anxious attachment style with narcissistic traits. Do you also see the two related? I agree that exaggerated context is an attempt to try and get you to understand what they are feeling and they do not know how to be vulnerable enough to communicate this. Unhealed attachment styles are how a person feels in control. I like how you explained the death cycle and how this couple can interrupt the loop. Your excellent observations give me more empathy for the narcissist as I can understand better where it comes from.
I feel the same. I called them narcissist in the end bc i couldn't take the suicide threats and soul sucking anymore. But this is me being hurt and emotional. I think the traits could overlap? bc some ppl would call me a narcissist but I'm just avoidant, traumatised and an introvert. Idk.
I never distort the past, but often start to come up more extreme versions of examlpes if the other did not undestand me. I often communicate it too, that I know I am too sensitive. It is all about the inner child. WE NEED COMFORT! We need to be seen. Without it we feel total disconnected, and getting very anxious and nothing else really matters until it is resolved. I do not understand why is it so hard to provide some. Of course when my avoidant partner got triggered by one of my sentence (probably i said it a bit too harshly) she closed, and when I asked whats up, she said she got hurt by me. Then I said well, sorry if I sounded rude, did not mean that, it may have sounded like that, sorry in that case, did not wanted to hurt you. Miraculously she felt better after. But comforting is definitely was not in her toolset. Dont know.. for me it is so natural for your loved ones.
Anxious attachment person just getting out of a relationship with a narcassist. I was doing so good single for the past 5 years and fell right back into depression. I couldve handled some things better but it was never going to work anyways obviously 😢
