Why Forgiveness is Unnecessary | Carmelle Kemp | TEDxBearCreekPark 

I have always *passionately* hated the idea that you "have" to forgive to move on from a wrong that's been done to you. It creates this unspoken dynamic that if you don't forgive, now *you're* doing something wrong, now *you're* the one with the problem. It puts the burden and pressure on the injured party to forgive or be viewed as a bad person. All you're doing is causing more grief for the injured party, because when they're pressured into saying or doing something they don't really feel, it only adds to the bad feelings they already had. Forgiveness is like love. If you have to coerce me into saying it, it isn't real. And if it isn't real, then what even is the point of saying it?

Sometimes forgiveness isn’t necessary; acceptance is.

Forgiving someone allows them to not hold themselves responsible for the pain they have caused you. I’ve noticed that when I forgave, i allowed that person to continue to hurt me, because if I only forgave them, maybe it would get better, maybe they would see how bad they hurt me.

Victims do not have to forgive their abusers. Sometimes boundaries are necessary to heal. Letting go of connections to an abuser can be liberating and a path to self-acceptance and love. We can choose to love ourselves and let the abusers go on their way, never to hurt us again.

Never heard a TED talkI related to so much. So emotional and healing to hear. Thank you for sharing your story that is sadly the story of so many who stay hidden in the darkness of that shame and pain you spoke of. God bless you.

This is a great video society always tells people that we should forgive people regardless of what they do, but there are some people who just enjoy making other people suffer. Forcing the victims to forgive there abusers whilst letting the abusers get off easy. I think there should be balance between forgiving and not forgiving someone, its all down to the choice of the victims. But most importantly we should learn to move one, learn from what has happened to us and become better people.

Forgiveness is like Trust, it is earned. There is no need to forgive the Unforgivable. Release and being in your own heart is all that's necessary.

Never forgive someone who is not genuinely repentant and unwilling to reform, they will take it as weakness and keep doing wrong.

Not everyone who’s wronged you deserves forgiveness. Instead of forgiving them, forgive yourself for being unforgiving. For me, retaining that bad memory serves as a source of strength and does not make me weak. Forgiveness is a major privilege. Don’t give it for free. I can move on with life peacefully knowing that the people who did bad things to me will soon find karma lying in wait. 😉

What a beautiful talk from a wonderful spirit. Forgiveness is not necessary because “Love does not hold a grudge.” Beautiful! And to paraphrase Jung “He who looks outside dreams; he hooks inside awakens.” Very smart ❤

This didn’t do much for me. “ Love is the answer” is a bit cliche. I appreciate her sharing her story.

It's religion that demands it. Yes, we hear this repeatedly. You can choose love , but when the memory returns the forgiveness issue returns. It's a multi faceted issue. Not everyone has any remorse at all. Healing is important but not every wrong can ever be righted. Some have perpetual damages. If you can forgive and love never forget.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS..... I belive in responding to the person who has hurt me.

It’s not that we believe that we are worthless, it’s the fact that others that supposed to care for us openly show us that we don’t mean anything to them.

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside awakens. Love will never let you down. Heartfelt lines.😃

I dont believe in forgiveness, I believe in healing and letting go your own resentment and bitterness towards person involved. Forgive yourself and process what the experience taught you and learn .

A beautiful and truly heartfelt talk from a woman with a shining heart and soul. Very moving and inspiring.

Forgiveness should be given when the other person or party changes. Or, if it is something where they really did a major change or shown actions to do so. Like one of my High School Bullies. He apologized later in life for how he was not good to me when we were teenagers. He admitted that he was responsible to let drugs, alcohol, and the wrong people influence him to let him act the way in which he was. Now, we are good friends, and he has become an empath to me when I have my dark days. Him being to rehab and counseling has had me go to him when I feel lost or in trouble. I try to be there for him, and his family too.

Absolutely amazing speech. I went through every form of abuse from my mother as well and am now training to be a shaman. Thank you for sharing your story.

Refraining from killing someone is Forgiveness. Then simply get Away and simply Love YourSelf. 😊❤

I was told I had to forgive and I did within myself not to the person not to the people, and I just felt awful I even forgave myself long with forgiving them. Then one day I was listening to a video of a clinical psychologist, I wish I had saved the video it was such a strong moment for me I didn't, so I don't know what her name was. She said "you don't have to forgive unless you want to forgive but you do not have to forgive." I immediately Quit feeling bad about it I Quit feeling sick over feeling like I had to forgive over being told I had to forgive I felt bad that I was told that I had to forgive in order to heal and that just made me feel worse. And God knows that I have been in pain long enough and he would not want me to feel hurt anymore for another second. And it's okay having that clinical psychologists told me it was okay that I did not have to forgive and I have felt fine about it ever since and I pass this message on whenever I'm encountered with a subject about forgiveness. Being told we have to forgive unless we want to is b u l l s h t. And be aware if you have been traumatized and this is the situation you're feeling like you need to forgive on, that person could be a narcissist and if you have never studied narcissism that one word will open up a whole new world to you. To forgive someone who sees you as mere entertainment when they hurt you is ridiculous. Period. Instead of wasting your time on even thinking you need to forgive do this instead, study narcissism extensively. Studying what the exact subject is of the person that hurt you studying their personality their psychopathy, is the single most healing modality. This requires three months of solid like it's your full-time job studying 16 hours a day just for getting started including several years and for a lifelong time thereafter.

Carmelle, you had me at 2:00. Love is the answer, thank you!

Choose love and compassion. Well said.

This country gives you the opportunity to move on and leave the toxic people behind

Thank you, thank you for this Carmelle, you bring things together to the place of love. That is what you have done for me. So grateful to have found you.

If someone’s unforgivable, don’t forgive them just move on

This video brought tears to my eyes. What you talk about really resonates with me. Thank you so much.

The Forgiveness process worked and you had the resultant Spiritual experience. It is now automatic for you, and those who “know not what they do”they will continue to suffer for they know not that “ one” only does it to the self not to others. Bless you on your continued journey.

Thank you for sharing your message Carmelle.

It's truly sad when family members inflict pain and hurt but it's even sadder when they don't realize how much they are hurting you.

I wasn't expecting that. Speachless I am

"Forgiveness is a fundamental weakness that incapacitates you and chops you up into irresistible fodder ready to be eagerly devoured by the next hungry offender who impatiently waits while his predecessor gets his free pass." - ME.

It's wrong to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting injustice. It's the highest cost to human life and why we suffer to begin with. I never forgive unless it's necessary. Experience taught me it's often unnecessary. People who forgive are those who have done wrong in life too and they expect all humans to do wrong.

Wow! Great message! Thank you for your genuine and heartfelt story. 🙏

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful heartfelt speech Carmele

I will never forgive. I’m just going to start taking revenge in immediate ways.

My world has been so changed by this woman why isn’t this Ted talk more watched? It’s really sad because I think this could really help people at this time.

LOVE this ! Love actually equals forgiveness or indeed remembering who we REALLY are, makes all the rest NOT necessary !!! Remembering who we TRULY are IS the key to EVERYTHING !!! THAT is how the world and Life will get BETTER ! Know that YOU are LOVE and that that is EVERYTHING you will ever need for your stay here on Earth and beyond !

POWERFULL MESSAGE!!! Thank you, I needed to be reminded of this!!

amazing! moving humanity forward.

Much love, thank you🙏

I feel her. Thank you for sharing

I don't believe in forgiveness as a way to move on. I've always hated to hear from a victim, "My God tells me that I have to forgive you..." I'd rather have the chip on my shoulder and use it as fuel as my truth than a falsehood regarding forgiveness..

Wow, your master training is unbelievable

Beautiful and insightful. Being aware that we make up stories as children about the events that took place can really create a space for love when there was no possibility for it before.

You are a beautiful lotus that has grown out of a muddy pond, Carmelle. I am so happy for you although my circumstances were of a lesser degree, I hope to transform my life like you. Thanks for the inspiration and giving me hope that it is possible.

Thank you for this!

Beautiful ideas...much to think about. Ty.

Thank you Carmelle ! This is very helpful for me

After watching this I felt better. Thanx .

What an amazing person Thank you

POWERFUL!!!!

So beautiful, honest and profound

5 minutes in and I really like what she's saying!

To forgive is a feeling, you feel it when you forgive. Just like when you feel it inside of you when you love or when you trust. You cannot force feelings, even when tortured or threatened or taught. So, what's the use to say I forgive? Nothing, just words. If you dont feel the forgiveness then better let go of the person(s) who hurt you. Remember, you have only one live, move on and give your live another chance. There are about 8 billion people on this planet to choose from.

Great talk. Moving, and truly spoke to me.

Absolutely brilliant.

What a brilliant talk. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

this makes sense ty

Thank You

Beautiful! 💞

Profound!❣️❣️🎯

Some people don’t deserve forgiveness and I mean the lowest of society that have no remorse or empathy. Normal people deserve forgiveness. Also that “they didn’t know any better” bs. I would never abuse a child or neglect to protect them but that’s all I know. People can either choose to be an abuser or take responsibility for their trauma.

I and FREE. Thank you!

love will never let you down

thank you

my narcopath abuser knowingly abuses me. and he grew up in a non abusive home. he didt learn this behavior. he chose it. because he gets off of hurting others maliciously.

I felt this

Getting pissed is okay too. You will get over it this way as easily as the forgiveness route.

Wow! I can really feel it. I'm not there yet. Still working on it.

Great talk 👏👏 nail on the head

I don't get forgiveness in life I can't forgive people who hurt me I wish them luck only but forever silent now

Honestly, Metro: Last Light taught me more about forgiveness.

Ah yes, My Lady, so true.

Exactly. 😇🙏💓

I believe this message is to mean, forgive, forgive and move forward. To forgive, does not mean you need to go to the person and forgive them in person. To forgive means to forgive them in your mind, your heart, your soul. These are the types of forgiveness that helps you move on as a person, as an individual, as you. So to say to forgive somebody else only allows them to do it again, try to see the message in a way that I’m seeing it. I feel that I and I have forgiven many of people they don’t know I forgiven them, but I know I did and I do I will again.why, I’m so much calmer happier, and late in my brain in my heart and in my soul.

One is not obliged to forgive. Morality shall remain stringent.

FREIHEIT!!! Danke...

I went to a guided meditation session this morning....it was about forgiveness...and on the way home, I asked myself this very question...I found forgiveness a lifeline of soothing, as a younger person, when I dealt with hurts more egoistically, but I have since found the unconditional love in my soul...and I, too have found I no longer have anything to forgive. My inner peace is what I work on if I get into a tricky situation. Once my peace is restored, I can disregard the “wrong” as though it is of no importance. We are all one..energy, and dust of the earth, negotiating the path of life we are currently in. Love is indeed the road to freedom.

Brilliant, beautiful and so powerful

Finally it makes sense

I knew someone that continued to make cause the same pain on others, over and over. Hiding behind God, never feeling bad for any of it. I felt content when I didn't forgive him and even when he died, I didn't regret speaking to him when he tried. The only reason he quit doing what he did, because he no longer had the physical strength. I cannot forgive a person that is forced to be sorry.

Forgive who you can forgive for now and those you can't forgive, just give it time. Don't rush the process, everything in life has its due including forgiveness

This is my story absolutely. When do I get with the program and claim my life and energy back?

Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else it's something you do for yourself so the bitterness doesn't eat you alive.

Damn right.

So beautiful

If I do not expect people to forgive me when I accidentally say something that sounds like I have an attitude, I do not expect to forgive my worst abuser. I let him go. I felt the feelings as memories popped up through the years, and went through therapy, and then I stopped feeling anything about him. I realized he didn’t care about me when he hurt me, exploited me, and tried to kill me. He didn’t even care when he put on a show of it… so why should I feel anything about him now? I don’t call it forgiveness. I think people use that word to mean too many things. They just think it makes them sound like good people. But for me, I’d rather call it what it is. It’s just an absence of anger because I don’t need it now, and it feels good. Forgiveness sounds too kind for him. It implies I have some sort of basic human affection, but I don’t, and I don’t miss it.

There's a culture around forgiveness that's always seemed a weird victim blaming cult to me Like, is weird how people seem to be more angry at someone not forgiving an abuser than at the abuse itself

thank u youtube algorithm gods

Love, peace and understanding, along with letting go of anger, hurt and resentment - that sounds as if that is ultimately, forgiveness.

Acceptance of life is key. Life is hard. Forgiveness is for oneself to benefit from. Love? What is it? Love isn’t a “feeling”. It’s action that counts. Betrayal hurts. Betraying oneself is something we are taught. Stop it. Don’t ever betray yourself. You are the air traffic controller. Your hostages are the planes you keep circling around. Do yourself a favor and land the planes. Allow the passengers, your resentments, to disembark. They look like people who did you wrong. Let them go. You are not obligated to reconcile with anyone. I do recommend you reconcile with yourself though. Live forward in humility and create that rich inner life discussed herein. Set yourself free…you set everyone free.

Forgiveness isn’t really the issue….I choose not to ever let those people close to me again because I value myself. Betrayal is never forgotten in your heart when it’s from family members who loved you your whole and then one day kick you in the stomach….blindsided with the biggest sucker punch of my life. And they could care less what they did to me. Forgiveness isn’t the issue….boundaries are. It’s about self respect and self love. They’ll never be allowed in my life again 🙁 I will never allow them to hurt me again…

Ouch...

Finally a good speech on forgiveness. And it isn't even necessary.

Yeah well I won't forgive but I will forget them

I can forgive the person who accidently ran me over and stayed by my side til the paramedic arrived, but to my bio dad who told me my mother would have been better off if I died, F that guy.

I’ll also say this so that I can clear the smoke. A lot of people have this idea that the change of heart of the perpetrator is contingent on whether they’re forgiven by their victim(s). This is a very false narrative hence the problems that we see in the church in this regard. If you, the offender, are repentant/sorry for your offenses them it would be consistent whether the victim forgives you or not. It’s not conditional. Really, this is just a way for the offender to obfuscate self accountability, feelings of shame & guilt, onto the victim hence this being a form of mental & emotional manipulation. As Christians we already know that’s not of God. That’s of the enemy as it displays a sense of selfishness and egoism of the offender. The offender would’ve been more sincere in not repenting & apologizing! Let your repentance, self forgiveness, and sense of sorry be genuine or just don’t do it at all. God bless and peace.

WOW 🤯

How beautiful.