This is a great explanation about this scenario. I’m biased undoubtedly as my significant other and I met at the academy but it takes a lot of nuance to get it right. I get implementing a “no dating” policy but that is too personally invasive into the lives of the students. People start hiding things then.
I met a girl in a BJJ gym ten years ago. Started dating 2 years later. We've now been married 8 years, have two kids, and BJJ training has become a family affair ever since. Having said that, you gotta be careful for sure. I've seen relationships go sideways at a gym and the students get negatively affected. Then again, I've seen business relationships in gyms go bad and that can destroy the whole academy. So... have rules for conduct and leave it at that. You can't control all the aspects of your students' lives either way.
@@nickp4207 have to agree. And 99.9% of the time guys in the gym hitting on female students are unwanted advances that at best are awkward for the female students, and at worst lead to toxic atmospheres and people having to find a new place to train. BJJ gyms are place to learn how to grapple. They aren't a speed dating session at a cocktail bar and some guys need to get that in to their heads. It's one of the reasons some gyms offer female only classes, so the female students don't have to deal with that BS. Maybe there are rare times when there is mutsl attraction and love blossoms, but in reality, like you say it almost always ends up negatively.
I was teaching at a gym for several years when one student started talking to me. Me being "professional" I brushed it off. 6 years later we're still together and married.
See, now that's weird. I sorta get the no dating thing because 99% of the time dudes hitting on female gym mates is both creepy and unwanted and can lead to all sorts of problems. But a coach being lecherous is a whole other level. Sounds like a toxic gym.
I get the idea behind don’t date at the gym but at the end of the day you’re both adults. Date who you want, don’t let your coach tell you who you can and can’t date. If it goes badly it is what it is.
If it goes badly though it costs the coach money because the student(s) leave. If it just was between the 2 parties, sure, but it rarely is when BJJ is involved. I once saw 3 people leave a gym in the space of a month over a breakup. The coach/gym is already involved to an extent, whether we like it or not.
@@humann5682 yes, but unfortunately for him he can't force people not to date, he can just not let them in his gym. Which defeats the purpose of getting payment from them
@@letsgobrandon5334 I like to listen to Chewie ramble and i am interested in bjj, just dont have options to train it right now. I dont think it is a prerequisite to do bjj in order to enjoy a channel like this.
@@letsgobrandon5334 How you like all this winning Trump has been doing this week? he's now a half a billion dollars in debt. Make sure to buy your golden trump shoes!
No dating policies are strange to me. I as a grown adult do not believe I have the right or authority to tell 2 other GROWN adults who they can and can’t date. The only policies I enforce for my students are legal and safety policies. I am a coach for 1 hour in there life a day the rest of the time they live their lives. It’s so weird to think I would have a say so in what they do.
IME it's more to stop bros thinking they can hit on anyone that come in to the gym who happens to be female. It shouldn't have to be this way, but sadly there are too many guys in BJJ who think they are entitled to approach female gym mates and 99% of the time those are very much unwanted advances in my experience. So, some coaches just make these rules up to stop it happening. It shouldn't have to happen, and maybe there are better ways to deal with it but I can at least understand it. It also allows coaches to kick out guys for breaking the gym rules etc if they are being lecherous.
@@humann5682 But then you punish the ones that are having this kind of behavior. At minimun they're disturbing other students and at maximum they're committing harassment. These are the things you should fight agains and punish harshly.
Yeah Im not gonna lie, when I heard that I was kinda like what the fuck. I'm a grown ass man, nobody is going to tell me who I am and am not allowed to date. They can give advice or recommendations, but it's my life, not theirs.
The trouble starts when senior instructors start leveraging their status to turn gyms into their own personal Playboy Clubs. It happens. Check out Louis Martin’s book, The True Believers. He writes about a senior instructor, whom he calls the Bad Actor, who behaved in just this way. He was a married man with kids who regularly hit on his female students. Several women quit because he wouldn’t leave them alone. Others claimed he harassed or even assaulted them. Though not enough evidence emerged to file criminal charges against the guy, he created a toxic vibe that really hurt the school.
I think it is. I tell all my young students who ask about this kind of stuff to take it slow. Get to know the person a bit before you ramp up the relationship.
Mate, ask your self this. Is the woman you are interested in the woman you're going to marry? If the answer is no, then eventually the relationship will be over and training is awkward. Even if you are both going out of your way to be cool, that is still awkward and uses up energy better spent on triangles. Now ask yourself, how many Ju-Jitsu gyms are there in your town? Compared to how many woman you find attractive? Because if/ when it doesn't work out, unless you live in some bizarre frontier town with 3 women and 17 gyms, it usually much easier find alternative women than gyms. Same goes for women looking for men. And workplaces
>Is the woman you are interested in the woman you're going to marry? How are you supposed to know in beforehand? >then eventually the relationship will be over and training is awkward Why? Not everyone separates on bad terms. >And workplaces If you don't get to know anyone at work and not at any hobby you do, how do you get to know women? You can make this argument in any context.
Just being honest, I've seen relationships get shaken and fall apart in spectacular fashion in BJJ gyms simply because of the nature of the sport. We like to act as though there is nothing sexual about BJJ, but the fact of the matter is any sport where guys and gals are climbing all over each other is going to lead to feelings, attraction, and jealously. It is what it is. If you just happen to find yourself in a situation with mutual attraction.. Sure. Go for it. But I think actively using your gym as a substitute for a club or bar to find dates is an awful idea for a million reasons. Get two or three guys doing that and you will create an environment that no women will want to be in.
You must be young. I used to think that a bar or club was a great place to meet women. Met plenty. All I met were drunks and drunk psychos. An environment that is meant to improve your health is much better. You just have to be really careful and respect the other students and humans in class. Don't be a creep, obviously. What you say about feelings and attraction happening is right. It's bound to happen. If you're feeling someone, maybe ask your teacher what he thinks. Maybe he thinks that she sees what you see. Maybe not. Maybe you just got bounced on your head. ;) It's always good for a sensei to see themself as more than just a guide in martial arts training. It's supposed to be for life, too. It's not a bad way to test how good they are. I'm not saying that a sensei's job is to play match-maker or anything. But letting you know you're fuckin' up is well within his purview. I had one that told me that this co-student "couldn't stop talking about me". A really nice, sweet girl. I joined this dojo to meet this other punk-rock looking girl, specifically. Also because I saw how they threw a hook kick different than I was doing it. As a counter, and I learned to make it work for me. Her and I dated for a while and she was a psycho, even for Southside of Chicago. He knew what was up and tried to not have me fuck it all up. I was too young to listen.
@@juicicles5881 Dude, having your "Sensei" guide you in all aspects of your life, and "approving" your romantic relationships is messed up for a whole pile of reasons I don't even want to go in to. It's also creepy AF your "Sensei" was trying to land dates for you.
@@humann5682 I didn't say that is a sensei's job. Just that if you're feeling someone, he might see that they are feeling you. Or not see it. You might think you see something that you aren't really seeing when you have a crush on someone. There's nothing wrong with asking him outside of class. You definitely don't want to be the creep in a martial arts class. Mine was telling me that I had a non-psychotic option. I didn't listen and ended up with the psycho.
@Esoteric Schizochad You're not wrong about that. there are plenty of those out there. "call me sensei" is maybe a bad sign, you got that one. In this case, it is me doing it because i respect and like him. Like I said, i saw a couple of his students landing cool combos in kumite in a full-contact tournament that i wanted to learn. they did muay thai, tang soo do and kyokushin there. i was a wrestling, shotokan and jkd guy and i wanted better offense. If not for that, i wouldn't have gone two hours on the train to the Southside of Chi from the north burbs. i went every saturday and other wednesday for six months. Added a few things to my game that helped me go 8-1 in karate and 6-0 in TKD ones. 3-0 in mma in a underground cage thing. Won the tournament and $2,000. Ever see Shameless? The psycho i mentioned is from the setting. Back of the Yards
@@juicicles5881 the bar and club thing was just an example (insert any other valid place instead, like a coffe shop, the library, a concert and so on), the whole point remains being valid.
I feel like this same advance maps onto relationships in general. Not to say the move fast - break things - passion filled high doesn't ever lead to long-lasting, fulfilling relationships, but slow and steady gives you time to build a foundation.
From the perspective of the student you should be respectful of your training space and not make personal issues the gym's issue. From the owner's perspective you should stay out of your students' personal lives. From my perspective I thought getting rank would make me more attractive. It doesn't. I can strike out at every belt level I've earned.
There is nothing more delusional than guys thinking a black belt will impress most women. I realized this too ha ha! Most women, heck, most people, will not be impressed you do martial arts. They won't think of you as "protectors". At best they'll be ambivalent but mildy supportive. Many people will think of you like Dwight from the Office or Ross from Friends: grown man-babies pretending to be tough. A few people might even think you have issues e.g. Are violent or pretty insecure. Romantically speaking, None of that is really attractive. Do marital arts because you enjoy them, because they are not going to be the reason most people date you. They might occasionally be the reason people break up with you though ha ha!
I have a personal policy against dating people I roll with because I don’t want my romantic feelings and BJJ to get all mixed up. It’s too physical to start a relationship off right. But that’s just my opinion. I know, no one asked me. Have a nice day.
There doesn't have to be a No Dating Policy, but make a rule that if relationships go south and nasty, both can be kicked out. That way, people who got in a relationship, know the consequences if they fuck up.
I met my wife at the gym, her and her friends weren't being talked to by anyone else there so I went out of my way to make them feel welcome. 12 years and two kids later.
There is an important point that wasn’t made here. Adult students are adults. I think that a gym owner telling them who they can and can’t date outside of the gym seriously oversteps some boundaries. The owner has a right to regulate conduct inside their business, but their right to tell people what to do with their lives ends at the door.
Yes, exactly. And even indoors, there are boundaries. Can't flirt? What constitutes flirting, then? Is it particular words stringed together in a sentence? Is it a particular type of eye contact? Physical touch? Body language? A near infinite permutation of non-verbal bio-social displays of a human organism, in the process of social interaction? Treat adults as responsible people who can make their own lives. If people are causing drama, the gym owner can also kick them out, as is his business. He can also have a "no dating" rule, but I would stay as far away from a place like that as possible. Let the free market decide who makes the most money and runs the most successful gym.
Um, I'm a grown adult. If I were to enter a gym which had any policy which told me what I could and could not do with my life outside of training, I would quickly exit that gym. Rules about harassing or hitting on people at the gym? Yes, those need to be in place to keep shitty people from making the gym unbearable. But a straight up dating ban? Nah.
You're gonna date if you make that connection. I wasn't supposed to date a girl at work. Warned about going after her by everyone. Six years later, we're married, and I don't regret it one bit LOL.
I get why some gyms at the college level won't allow it, because it distracts from their studies and the sport. Even though this happened, my friends (who were a couple) still handled it very well. I also know of some people who didn't handle breaking up well, which led to a lot of awkward tension between them and, ultimately, one person having to leave the gym. What's weird to me is when a non-collegiate gym has this rule of "no dating your teammates." People at this point tend to be adults and should be mature. Plus, the rule kills all the fun, good-natured teasing and "kilig" moments that we can have at the gym. It also says a lot about a coach who'd force their adult students (hobbyist or otherwise) to keep their relationships a secret because of that rule.
From what I hear the reasoning is monetary. If two students meet, start dating, and break up then one of them will probably leave the gym and the owner loses out on that income. 99% of the men are married so if any of us started "dating" any of the girls there would be exponentially more problems than just violating the gyms dating policy.
You pay for classes, these policies are ridiculous. I DO believe you don't "eat where you poop." That being said, if you are consenting adults the policy is dumb. It isn't a job.
I agree. I believe a coach/owner with these policies think about only his business. He is afraid to loose some students in the case a couple break. I can get it, but you can't interfere in adults' choices and private life.
@@robb00 Easy, instead of losing one student, he will lose two. Just quit or don't sign up in the first place. Go train elsewhere, anywhere, that respects your individualtiy and autonomy as an adult.
If you have a no dating policy then might as well instill a no hanging out outside the gym among all gym members. Any institution where you have men and women together, whether it's school, the office, police station, work etc you will have people become friends and have people engaging in sex. This is a human normal.
I just went on a date with a girl from work and I thought it went super well and she said she was totally down for a second date. Well she ghosted me lol, I go back to work next week so wish me luck.
The safest (as in least potential headache) route to take is to meet people away from your daily digs to date. Don't date neighbors, don't date coworkers, don't date anyone who's gonna potentially be "that" person you see every day. You might be the coolest cat on the block and they might be the coolest psych patient who escaped the ward who just ran out of medication, and I mean sure, there's great examples of it working out fantastically, but there's a lot of examples of it working out pretty badly too. There's a whole lot of fish in the sea who you don't have to see on a daily basis if they turn out to be a barracuda.
My partner and I were together for 4 years before we both started BJJ so we'd struggle of our gym had a no dating rule. What are gyms going to do? Say no, both of you can't join, we only want half the money we could have had if you both joined.
I wouldn't mind a bjj girl blessing me....the ice is broken and theirs a common interest.....also I imagine fighting for underhooks would be so rewarding 😁
Good advice on dating in the gym. 👍 After 13+ years of training jiu-jitsu and receiving by black belt back in Aug 2021, I've left the cult. (Please save your hate.) Not because of the art, but because of the culture and politics I experienced throughout the years. I also believe that jiu-jitsu has been a selfish luxury for me that I no longer can afford given the seriousness of the declining state of the nation and world. Staying working, being with my children as much as possible, and drawing close God have been my focus. I am content with my decision and have zero ambitions to return.
So the answer is, if you are super mature about it go for it, if not and you might be the jelous type, then look elsewhere, if you want to keep going to that gym and enjoy actually training there.
I was partnered with a guy who was dating the professor. Was a little uncomfortable to see them joking and flirting. I wanted to roll and drill techniques. Instead I felt like I was in the way 🤷🏻♂️ so I don’t like it. If you can be professional then it’s cool I guess
I wouldn't have a problem with a gym where people are in long term relationships but I wouldn't want to train somewhere people are flirting with each other, trying to make moves, and adding a layer of potential social awkwardness I don't want to think about while I'm getting choked.
How do u even approach someone in the gym . Anytime you ask someone they'll say "they're just there to learn" then I see people dating each other it makes no sense
Wait a second, I can understand the gym owner saying the coachs/instructors can't date students, but the owner can't really stop students from dating each other.
There is no point to a no dating policy. Dating in and of itself isn't bad, and on the contrary, can obviously be amazing. When dating goes wrong, its the individuals' behavior that could be bad. People might fight, get jealous, stop coming etc. But as a coach, you can't control all the variables in people's lives, with dating being only ONE of those infinite variables. However, you CAN control people's behavior, and kick them out of the dojo if it becomes toxic (shouting, becoming a dangerous sparring partner, picking fights with members outside of the dojo/online harassment of members outside of the dojo, or even graphic "public displays of affection" etc.) But telling your adult students they can't date other adult students... just no.
I don’t think it’s appropriate for a gym to have a no dating policy. However, some things should be unacceptable really. Example: my home gym, the ex head coach 3rd degree black belt age 45 and who was a weasel, no job, no brains, a looser and generally a piece of shit for reasons I won’t dive into. He started dating a 26 year old single mother who started training. She was struggling financially, his previous partner left him and he said to her “oh come and live with me for a while, help around the apartment and you can live with me for free”. Was just weird, he can’t look after himself and she was so vulnerable seeming. Anyway, people talk and in the end he left.
I’d like to know how you approach cutting a student from your gym. I know there’s many reasons to do this, but how you approach the situation specifically. I could imagine people would naturally get offended when this gets brought up. My coach has only done it once since I started training but he won’t get into any details with it because he doesn’t want to trash anyone’s name.
It depends what the reason is, is the student an asshole? What are they doing, do they try to injure people? Bad training partner? Etc. I feel like it’s hard to get kicked out of the gym but not impossible so many variables come into play.
@@gsuavebjj3856 the specific issue that happened was we had a guy who wrestled his whole life start jiu jitsu. He went hard as fuck every day and even told the coach he wouldn’t take it easy because he wanted to take the wrestling mentality into jiu jitsu (he’s about 230-240 lbs and ~10-12% body fat). My coach ended up just throwing him the best guys one after another and instead of getting the point, he just would go harder. He ended up doing a blast double on me when I had a cross collar grip on him, I loop choked him unconscious but he spiked me on the ground super hard and gave me a concussion. He also injured one guy’s neck, and two knees while going super hard. Sparing with him was a street fight intensity with no striking. He would also do takedowns into other training groups and never apologize or anything. He did that for about three months until my coach asked him to leave. I guess the conversation didn’t go over well either, there was one guy who was friends with the wrestler dude and he said the wrestler dude was super pissed and told my coach off after the conversation. I guess my question is with someone that has issues like this, ego problems and aggression issues, what do you do? I’d assume it’s something like “hey I don’t think this gym is a good fit for what you’re looking for” and then offering a refund of the last month’s fee or something. But I’d imagine that it’d be really easy to offend someone and make the situation worse.
@@MegaSirpaul Not a safe training partner. It's in the best interests of the business (your gym) to terminate his privileges of being a customer of the business. Businesses have the right to refuse service, especially for being an unsafe asshole.
Should have a disclaimer that says: You may feel like dating someone from the gym. Be forwarned, we do not tolerate jealous or indicative behavior within the gym or its practitioners if things don't work out.
GREAT advice. I have nothing to add directly, but wanted to remark that it's just a shame you didn't get this question (and make your video reply) closer to February 14th. ;-)
Great advice. Whatever you do never ever date the head coaches daughter lol. If things go south your out of that gym. In BJJ there something called loyalty especially you've been with that coach for few years or who promoted you and you just clicked with. The students will side with the head coach even though you like other guy who got kicked out or voluntary left. They guy was like a padawan to my headcoach always hanging out in and off the mats that ended when he went for the coaches daughter.
No dating policy ? what is this kind of gym ? North Korea ? I mean, this is a SPORT, we are here to get fun, to learn, to meet people I think teachers at gym dont make difference between meet / being attracted / dating, and some random guys who are just here to flirt with any girls in the gym
I’m brand spanking new and have an unfortunate attraction to one of my instructors whom I also take privates with. I get all the reasons this is not good…but I also am almost never interested in anyone, ever. This caught me by surprise. Maybe it’s just the physical intimacy of the sport getting to me. I’ve always found rough housing to be the best sort of foreplay so even as all the men are swearing BJJ isn’t sexual, it sure feels sexually charged to me. Do you think anyone would be able to tell if we’re rolling and it does, um…press a button, so to speak? Will the attraction fade with time if I try to just ignore it? FYI, I’m a woman.
@@rickskellig4652 So pessimistic… I have no intention of changing gyms. I like it here and already feel like a part of the team. Besides, I know now it’s not the grappling in and of itself that’s sexually charged, I just happen to really like this guy. And I know it’s mutual seeing as we’ve been together just over 2 months now and we’re still going strong. I did talk to some female members and a different instructor first to get a feel for this particular gym and their rules. They said it’d be fine as long as we’re adults about it and keep our relationship separate. He has excused himself from having any opinion on potential belt promotions to avoid any possibility of favoritism since there are other instructors who can make those decisions. Perhaps I’ll leave an update in a year or so, but at present, I’m really happy with how everything naturally played out. He’s so good to me and I’m falling harder with every passing day. 🥰
@@kitajoi8901 I'm glad it's working out for both of you and your gym is good with it, that's a happy update on the situation 🥳😅 I hope you have many happy years rolling together ahead of you
I can't believe people think they could tell students they couldn't date. Who do they think they are? Is this Salem or Gilead or something? Just like with dating colleagues at your job there's possible things to consider but you can't seriously be telling two grown adults who pay you to learn Jiu-Jitsu that they're not allowed to date each other. Is this really a thing? Do they enforce it? Do people have dramatic forbidden romances nobody at the gym is allowed to know about? This is so crazy.
I dont know if this is true or not but apparently at a bjj gym someones wife cheated on someone from the same gym where her husband trains and apparently her husband asked to guy to roll and strangled him to death.
Ah when I go to my Bjj class, I just focus on Bjj training, that’s about it, I don’t really mind if some girl is attracted to me although I know that’s impossible I’m not that handsome anyways, well If it happens finding a romantic relationship in Bjj then it happens as long as it’s not creepy, anyways I just focus on Bjj as much as I can.
I think that no you should not date in BJJ if you train together. If you can move your class and you are not there at the same time it can be ok. It has to do with the training you learn not only from your Profs but the other people in your school. If the relationship doesn't work out it can make a whole class become miserable for everyone. Then at least one of you would stop going to that class. I do not think you can get the level of training as well. I would always be worried about my partner. I wrote this before watching the video.
I don't think a trainer should train their partner because they would not get the same level as everyone else. As their trainer, it is too easy to be easy or way too hard on them. Most of the time they can get better training with someone that is not with them. Even if the trainer is the best in the world.
my ex gym instructor has a "women feelings are validated" policy which you cant read or find until it is too late. Even if the event happens outside the gym between friends circle and a 2+ years old story, yet he will come to you and kick out of the gym whenever he knows about it without warning or context just slamming you with the his policy. be careful who you look up to lads!
@@flowerswerewarpaint646 I do agree, hence I would listen to both sides of the story and not jump to accusations right of the bat and kick people out of the gym just because of an incident happened between adults years ago. individuals can go to the police/court and not undermine people's relationships.
I have had 3 girlfriends from my studens at the gym I am at. We have no restrictions on love in our gym. We are rolling very closely in our sport both touching , feeling and smelling each others bodies, and sometimes love emerges.
My guy chewy!!!!! Love how you didn’t accept the friend zone just to chill with her. NO SIMP SHIT! Real man shit. Love it, keep up the videos my man. I’m a 10th planet white belt getting my ass handed to me but your videos help me so much.
I couldn't think of anything worse than meeting someone in the gym. The way I see it is when I go training I am there for one thing and one thing only. To train. That's my time where I focus solely on my jujitsu. If my girlfriend wants to do jujitsu then she can find another club to join.
Why would you want to train somewhere that would dare to dictate who you can and can’t date? 😂 Sounds like a coach who maybe is jealous of guys who are able to get dates 🤔
That’s what I suspect as well. The owner / coach got tired of seeing younger guys getting together with his female students and is trying to put a stop to it.
There is absolutely a lady I would like to date in each of the 2 gyms I go to... but F@$% NO!!! If it doesn't work out things could get awkward af... no thanks.
@@DaveReithmiller1983 No... just not taking the chance. There is literally billions of women on this planet, I think I can let my teammates at the gym just be teammates.
