I've said it. He hasn't but for the first time ever I absolutely can feel his love. It's in the way he looks at me, it's in his voice when he speaks to me, it's in the way the touches me, it's the way he supports me, it's in the things he does for me. It's in every aspect of his being that I was able to see when I stepped out of having to hear those three words, and started to look for other ways he's telling me it. For avoidants it's in the least vulnerable ways.
Sharing from experience: For me hearing I love you can feel threatening because I have associated it with being trapped or being hurt in previous relationships (I lean dismissive avoidant) - I practice a lot to feel my feelings and not run away, but it’s a challenge!! Thank you for this helpful video x
3:36 "It's imporrant to acknowledge that that *was* the most functional way to be in that environment." Thank you for saying this, I didn't know I needed to hear it 😭 My dad switches back and forth between being loving and being cruel and I ended up just refusing to engage at all because I couldn't take it anymore. I chose to do this for survival but I still feel guilty for it. Thank you for saying this. I hope it starts to sink in
I’m glad that it resonates! Just remember that choosing yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you’re rejecting other people. It means you’re making a conscious choice to care for yourself, in the way that others were unable to care for you.
"I love you" is the most cliched way to express the big energy... BINGO! There are many other ways to express that feeling. Also, actions speak louder than words! Demonstrate your feelings. Words are just empty words, sometimes.
Saying I love you is not always about the receiver, but also about the giver. As secure attacher, sometimes I overwhelmed by love, the easiest and quickest way to express it by saying I love you. But ofcourse I also show it through my actions in daily life.
"an excuse for not being sorry", that's such a good point. @2:35 Instead of being sorry and making corrections, an "I love you" was given, which is obviously not acceptable. Therefore an aversion to such an expression
Let me tell you the most romantic thing... My boyfriend knows about my fearful avoidant attachment style. When he wanted to tell me he loved me he said "I am unsure about saying something because i dont want to freak you out" and i said "Dont say it!" And he said OK and didnt make me feel guilty or anything. A few moths later I was able to say it but I asked that we dont say it a lot. I told him in the future I will, i just need some time and he is so supportive. We talk about it and laugh about how its a taboo term. Like, we say it by not saying it. Hes truly supportive.
Another reason is the strength of the emotion itself. Absolutely terrifying for an avoidant. Also, the perceived expectation that comes with that. My beloved is triggered also by the word beloved in his language
Definitely agree with the strenght being terrifying. As FA when the feelings were very strong at the beginning...so terrifying to feel these feelings! Still beautiful for me but made me run away and not being able to interact openly or let it freely flow outward. I did want to give love but was terrified expressing it. It was so overwhelming for me that I thought that if I would express it it would surely be overwhelming for the other person too. I was then worried it would hurt to see that from them. So I contained the feelings within. Then after some time the intense feelings would subside a little which made it managable. I think I still regret little bit not being able to express at the real time. Hated that then too :(
My ex, she didn't want red roses as a gift, because it was too much about " I love you". She was happy with sunflower. Anyways, it didn't last. I didnt mind too much about flowers, i did mind about her been cold and distant even if, maybe, she "loved" me. Best advice if you realize you are dating an avoidant: RUN before is too late
It happens that people are triggered by the word love but advising people to take responsibility for somebody else's triggers and assume the perspective that they should not use the word love is simply wrong.
Biggest mistake of my life saying those words to him! He was leaving for overseas and I grew up in a family that said I love you regularly so it just slipped out and boy 😳
It was my biggest mistake to say I love you , I cried for 7 months begging him to come back , and when he finally did he keep telling me every day that he don’t love me and we aren’t lover
My ex said he had problems with his past relationships bc he barely said 'I love you' , but he said it usually to me. Then one day he suddenly didn't love me anymore and left me. If you spot something like this leave them in that moment, they will hurt you.
I was happy when my boyfriend said I love you the first time. I didn't push it. It came out on its own. But it was gradually said a whole lot less. I knew it was strange and I questioned it. He mentioned he just does not like the words. I knew he had a bad past and I decided to look into it and theres a chance he might be avoidant. Thank you so much for this. I hope I'll be able to love him properly now without making him uncomfortable
I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. The trick is, watch him say it in different ways. Does he do things for you? (Acts of service?) I hope you're in a good place with or without him
Thank you for that video, it makes soo much sense to me. I have never said this to my DA and never heard it from him. I am fearful avoidant and can myself feel a little cliché in these words too but I did have the desire to express myself few times this way. I tried to find ways to express with different words but don't think I went far enough to be vulnerable enough to express in such intensity. Somehow I got a feeling he might have known what I meant. I would love to hear it from him tho, that's for sure. Been seeing him forever now. It is very interesting topic for me, thank you so much for posting it in here ❤
I SAY “I love you” rarely, but I also say “You are loved.” He hardly ever says it, but has become much more affectionate, and I think it’s in response to my making myself vulnerable.
I don't care anymore. He should work on himself. Enough is enough with us changing for them. Step up your game dear avoidant. as dua lipa says "I come and I go, catch me or I go Houdini"
I'm anxious style but some of these are true for me as well. I don't always trust the words, but actions. One of my parental figures would say it when it suited their needs, and withdrew it when I didn't comply. As I grew older, i normalized and recreated that experience by somehow dating partners that made empty promises, lied, cheated or manipulated. When actions are inconsistent to the phrase, my axious modeI activates. Like I'm desperate for a stable environment at any cost. Rather than withdrawing, I would try harder and harder, believing I'm the one who messed up somehow (because that what I was told growing up).s
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. It’s important to note that those words can be charged for people with other attachment styles as well. 🙏❤️
This is interesting :) From an avoidant's perspective, I have absolutely no issue saying or hearing "I love you", BUT with the difference being, I'm definitely not starting any relationships with somebody that I'm not 1000% sure that I love. Which might explain my chronic singleness. Why would I date somebody if I didn't love them? Silliness! I'm not yet sure what to make out of all of it yet. Seeing life through the lens of avoidant attachment is still very new to me. Basically everything else about the video resonates with my experience. Especially when she said "I feel free to be myself around you", this would make my heart melt. It's really a feeling of "mission accomplished" to hear someone say that.
2 parts: 1) I used to say I love you to my exhusband first, because he'd never say it otherwise. He was the worst of the worst of "bad people" to be in a relationship with... But I'm free for over 4 years now, and mostly healed shockingly - a lot because my teen has been working HARD to heal and help me heal too with information. Plus, my teen's dad who I haven't dated in 19 years... has been helping me and filling me up with aftermations and such. 2) My teen's dad is my current partner in SOME ways.... I already have given him the truth that I DO feel free to be myself and to be open with him. And THAT has let him feel safe to feel freely with me too.
Thank you for this video. I was looking for something to show my avoidant partner and this explains things in a way that wouldn’t make her feel pressured and under the spotlight
In HS I encountered a narcissistic stalker that wanted me no matter what! He gaslighted me every day. Threatened to kill himself so many times. Tried to jump out of my car going 60mph of the freeway. Layed down in the road in front of my car so I could not leave. Brought a gun to my doorstep and threatened to blow his head off. Blamed his father's heart attack on me. On and on. When I finally managed to get rid of him he told the world that I slept around and cheated (I never did) and made his family hate me. Years later I found all my guy friends hated him and why I never had them Kick his ass 😂 I wish I had the nerve back then, I would have loved to watch! That probably has something to do with my reaction when a man love bombs me or tells me that he loves me too soon. 😢 Thank God I've gotten better at reading the signs and can see them coming miles away!
you don't have to be too romantic or anxious to trigger an avoidant; my avoidant said 'I love you' several times before I was ready to say 'I love you too'. That seems to have triggered him and since that moment he did everything he could to sabotage the relationship. He was lovely and did everything right in the first 7 months until he got triggered. Looking back, the whole relationship feels like an experiment of him practicing being secure. In the beginning, he did everything that attachment experts say that avoidants don't do in relationships, including saying 'I love you' first. Despite him doing everything right in the beginning, I always felt that he had a wall around him but couldn't tell why I had that feeling. Unfortunatelly, I didn't know about attachment styles at that time and couldn't explain his behavior until it was too late.
Sounded like my ex. He said I love you first and pretty quickly and I was reluctant to say it back to him for a bit as I wasn’t sure. Eventually I did when I felt it was safe to do so and then he changed and now after a bit of time he has ghosted and discarded me.
I'd say that needing constant reassurance stems from insecurity. You need to reflect on why it's so important for you to hear it? What need do you have and why? Is there any other way you could get the need met? Our partners can't be the sole provider for reassurance.
I said it to him and he started to reject and eventually discard me. I don’t say it unless I mean it but they didn’t love me as they never said anything. So I’m starting NC and therapy to heal with being ghosted and discarded by them. It feels so traumatizing. I made the mistake of expressing how I felt about them when I felt them pulling away. Anyway I need to face the fact they are not coming back. I genuinely thought they wanted the same the second time round (he discarded me 20 years ago) but realise now he was breadcrumbing me over the years as a back up option. I tried to keep them away from me over the years because of the hurt it caused the first time round. I also realise now that the times they breadcrumbed me was around the same time they were having issues in their relationships. I guess I was just used as the phantom ex at one point. Looking back in hindsight it makes sense now.
Great video - I feel your message would benefit so many people. Just a tip - the algorithm will promote you more if you have high quality camera, light + sound :)
My HS sweetheart of 10 yrs said Ily first when we were teens. Now he’s deep in his avoidance and does not say it period unless I say it first. And it’s always a passive “love you” not a deep, meaningful intentional statement.
when I tell him "I love you", it is nothing about any future. indeed, it is only about this very moment. I personally think, the "I love you" should always be said and meant in the context of the very moment we are sharing.
I said it and it lead to months of gaslighting and the craziest behaviour that almost caused me to end my life. He drove me literally mad and just insulted and baited me and constantly picking at my flaws or accusing me of things I wasn’t even doing on a regular basis then call me a liar when I truthfully said I wasn’t doing what he accused me of when he wouldn’t admit that he SA’d me three times and then told me I made it up and twisted the story around and told people I raped him! Most dangerous person I’ve met so far apart from one guy who tried to kill his ex before me the day before being super sweet to me on my birthday
Funny bc my ex definitely has some dismissive avoidant tendencies and when she would say "I love you" sometimes it would be in a tone it would sound almost like she was worried I wouldn't say it back.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It can be painful when we express how I feel, and it is not received in the way that we might wish or anticipate. However, it doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. Instead, you might look at it as the universe providing you very important information about your partner, and now you get to compare that information against what you want from a loving relationship in general. Now it’s time to turn on your discernment, and be a conscious curator and creator of your relationships moving forward.
Thank you for watching. It can be very painful when we are in an abusive relationship. And when that happens, we may start to confuse different labels diagnoses in categories based on overlapping behaviors. I think this playlist might be helpful for you in determining the difference between someone with avoidant attachment, versus someone with severe narcissistic traits. Narcissism and Attachment Theory ru-vid.com/group/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_
I haven’t said I love him. I have said I have deep feelings for him. I DO love him. I think he senses that and a few times said “I don’t love you” when we were just being passionate. In between kissing me like I’m the entire world to him. Absolutely rabid for me. But says “I don’t love you.” 🫠 What do you think about that?
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He’s telling you very directly that he’s unwilling to make a said commitment on how he is behaving. Because in his mind if he doesn’t say it out loud, that’s not true then he’s not at risk of failing or getting hurt; it indicates an incongruency. That’s why I share this video with you, because the justification still stands. You just have to ask yourself if you’re willing to be with someone who will not claim you. And realize that he is projecting onto you, an internal drama, where he is also refusing to claim himself and his own feelings.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment forgive me for asking ONE more question bc I’ve been mulling over this video and others by you. Can you clarify the part where you said “Because in his mind if he doesn’t say it out loud, that’s not true…” I was a bit confused there. So sorry.
@@MM-pb8ik the best thing to do is simply to talk to him about it. Ask him what love means to him. How does he define it. And how would he know if he was in love? You’ll get more information that way.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you, you’re wonderful. The other day I did ask him and I said “I’d like to see what it looks like when you care deeply for someone.” So I guess we’ll see. I’m not feeling hopeful. I have done my best but at this point it feels like he is just not that into me. I don’t know why he bothers to spend hours on the phone with me and talks to me every day but doesn’t do much else. Oh well. Shifting my focus back to me and my work. If he steps up great. If not, he didn’t choose me and that will be fine too. I still learned a lot in the process. It also lead me to your account and I am grateful for that.
