Why I took a break from YouTube / The whole story 

Thanks for sharing your update Steph! Sometimes getting better doesn't mean total absence of pain. At times it's like a circle, where it may seem to go round and around. But that spiral goes upwards.And with each turn you get better and better, with some pain mixed in here and there. Yet the trajectory is upward, and hopeful, day by day! It was heartening listening to your story about your student psychologist! Sometimes the best thing we can do is love people with our ears - being great listeners. Many times, a soul needs an expression more than it needs an answer. Blessings to you!

This is incredibly vulnerable of you to say all this so publicly. Huge props to you for de-stigmatising this stuff, especially the fact that therapy is indeed absolutely about just listening. Your student therapist seemed really exceptional. I'm lucky enough to have a really exceptional therapist too, and these people can genuinely change lives, my therapist has changed my life. You're genuinely inspirational. Keep following your dreams and accepting yourself (and being vulnerable like this too)!

I’m the same. I haven’t graduated yet from university and I put myself down a lot and shame myself. I have watched you ever since I was 16, 21 now. Just know, everyone is proud of you Steph, especially your family. We all love and appreciate you, the world is brighter with you here. You have impacted many people 😘 countries wide

You are so wholesome. Glad i get to see and here your stories again. Makes my days better. ❤

You are pretty by birth, but it's noticeable that you put effort in to keep yourself physically fit and the pay-off is huge! You lost weight and look more fit and sculpted than before. Working out is one of the best and productive ways to deal with mental health struggles and I recommend it to everyone. It trains your mind to be stronger and more resilient to face life's pains and challenges head-on. Physical health reflects one's mental strength and you look healthier and happier than ever before. Proud of you Steph! Keep up with physical exercise and don't stop. Thanks for sharing and know that your audience always appreciates your sweet smile and heart to hearts. No matter how hard life gets at every turn, you must learn to overcome every challenge and come out stronger as a result. Every time you overcome a new challenge you realize it wasn't so bad after all. That gives life meaning and that's enough to keep you going. So keep on walking, keep on growing, ain't no stoppin'!! 💪❤

You are awesome Steph. I left my family behind to migrate to Australia many years ago. I remember how lonely my first few months were and that's when I found your channel - you cheered me up. I'm sad you have struggled so much. I struggle too, but I just learn to live with whatever life throws at me. Take care.

so proud of you for doing better and pulling yourself out of such difficulties :( also, i would love to hear your love stories as well steph! i'm turning 20 this year and it would definitely be helpful for me to hear your experiences.

Glad to hear you’re currently in a better place Steph. Thank you for being so courageously open and vulnerable! Hearing you speak about what you’ve been through has helped me in a way not feel so alone with where I’m currently at and hope we’ll both continue to grow and flourish :)

Man… sometimes life could really throw wrenches at us lol, I’m just really glad that I chose to sit down and listen to your story today. You’re still the kind and empathetic Steph I know. I think we are beyond grateful and honored to be able to listen your full reflection, as it, intentionally or unwittingly, has resonated with so many bits and pieces of experiences we all had some point in our lives. To end this ridiculous three part comment *cringing at my lunacy*, I sincerely 祝福你 年年岁岁 平安喜乐。I once thought that the last time I would see you would be your goodbye video, but your videos back have brought so much tenderness and sensitivity, as well as authentic retrospection that I thought I had longed masked up and forgotten. Watching a section of your vid, rewinding, rehearing your words somehow brings to light not only the pain you’ve endured but also the mummified, bottled up feelings of grief, sadness, despair, and endless fog, equally blocking my path to return and forward. Phew, that was a lot of things that you didn’t need to hear, sorry! (PS//and to end on a good note// I went back to studying Spanish again, a long-term goal of mine was to become fluent in it. And also, I’m not sure if you find watching dramas/shows helpful in learning the language, but if you want, I HIGHLY recommend you to check out 长相思 or English name “Lost You Forever” on YT. It’s a recent Chinese romance drama that I’ve been watching *shameless plug* lol but the emotions are so raw in it that as a person who never watches romance started to catch up. I like using shows/dramas/movies to gain interest and get back some momentum hehe 加油)

Thank you for sharing your story. It's not easy and thank you for coming back. Your videos are very comforting so no pressure you being you itself gives us so much comfort. Thank You❤

steph, i always come back to your channel every once in a while to to check on how you’re doing and if you’re filming again! it always feels like seeing a dear friend that i haven’t seen in a long time :) your videos gave me a lot of strength and just overall positivity during a tough time in my life and it’s so nice seeing you doing well too! i hope your journey will always have more good than bad days💗

Same here I can have my depressed days sometimes more often than I expect, but I learn to try to keep myself happy and find solutions that will help my mentality. Thanks for sharing your story and am thankful for all your efforts that you did in the past 2017-2019 were really hard on me after I graduated highschool and you were one of the RU-vidrs I would watch to just relax and watch ! ❤ opening yourself and sharing your story makes me feel less alone and others too! do bring the quote of the day back !! I loved writing them on my journal 😊 or phone to feel motivated !

Thank you for sharing Steph. I'm so happy you're being less harsh on yourself. ❤

cute steph, i loved watching your videos of you on your youtube journey during my years in the military. i’m glad you’re getting better. you deserve to be happy.

Thanks for sharing your story, this helps a lot of us to know that we're not alone when we're feeling how you felt :) It took me a while to accept that it is okay for my life not to be "perfect". I used to be depressed whenever I feel that I'm not "performing" well (e.g. health issue, laziness getting the better of me, comparing myself to my peers, not achieving personal goals, etc) and at one point it just felt that life was so meaningless. Nowadays I take things easy and kindly remind myself that it's okay to take things easy as life is meant to be enjoyed :)

Thank you for being so honest with us! It always makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone in my mental health journey ❤ When I get overwhelmed, I am starting to take your advise to take it easy and to be easy on myself. We can do this!

I was coming to your channel just to watch your old videos and I was pleasantly surprised to see that you are back. It's nice to see you on RU-vid again.

Thank for sharing your story! My mental health from 2019-2022 was so bad. Went through server anxiety, insulting people that people I don’t like who are fake friends. But when I went through therapist and true friend, I change my perspective and cycle that I will feel different and be strong! Stay strong Steph! 💪🏼

Thank u steph for the video. Glad to see u doing fine ~ I have been sad lately and watching your videos calm me sm. Thank u ! n also waiting for new vlogs!

thankyou for talking and sharing your story steph!! I never looked at you as a super positive youtuber role model, i just simply love watching your videos no matter what they are, since it's your life!! Although you feel pressure, and we can't change the fact you feel pressure, I hope this comment can at least reassure you that you are not confined to the caricature of a positive youtuber, you're a lot more than that and a human, so have fun making youtube videos and sharing your life struggles and progresses, no matter what they might be. In a way, we're also accepting you as you are just like your therapist because we choose to watch whatever video you make at the various time-points of your life

I've been through a lot of the similar stuff. Being bullied, childhood trauma, feeling like a failure, wherever there was a test that I failed, because of not exeeding my parents expectations and this all still affects me. It all accumulated at somepoint and gender questioning and everything else totally overwhelmed me and I was at a point of taking my own life, but searching psychiatric help and having online support really helped me. I still get moody, because of the wrong body stuff, but it's definetly much better than it was. I know have the right tehniques how to deal with myself. When you get depressed I feel like stepping down is the right decision to get back into it again, to clear up your mind and find what you wish to focus on and what makes you happiest. The past don't define our future. We make our own future. The most important is to follow our own happiness.

Awww, I'm definitely happy to hear your thoughts. I'm actually a bit jealous that your thoughts are so organized compared to mine. I'm mostly struggling with the pressure of being 35ish but not married with Asian parents. I'm super lucky that I have parents that aren't hard on me, but I still feel like I let them down. I'm also super don't really know how to have friends and life has gotten super lonely after school ended. I did have a long relationship recently, but it turned negative after some point, and unfortunately I couldn't communicate at all to say the least. Summary, lost and don't really know how to spend the rest of my life. The bright side is I have a bunch of hobbies mostly Japanese related, which is why I started watching you in the first place 😅 and it keeps my mind at bay for now.

Omg I've had the exact same journey across the continent in Iran. Now at 24, eventhough I have a job that I love and I'm good at I'm always worried I'd make mistakes and disappoint people. I WAS JUST TELLING MY DAD that I wanna quit my job and I came across your video. I will take this as a sign that I too will get better one day Love you steph. Been watching you since I was in high-school.

Have been following you from the very beginning and have always liked your positivity. It was evident that there were times you felt forced or uneasy in your videos. But understand that you've always provided value to the viewers. There's nothing negative coming from you and it's the reason as to why we all love watching. Your intentions are positive and we all are glad that you are a part of our lives for that.

I'm so happy to see you making videos again. Thank You . I last saw you about a year ago

Ive been living in Japan for 1 year now and my mental health throughout the pandemic was also extremly bad but im really happy to hear the lights are on for us now.

I love you Steph, sending you the biggest hug ever.

Thank you for sharing your story. I also went through a period of depression after my breakup with my then-partner, and it reached a point where I even considered taking my own life. During that time, I found myself being extremely self-critical, the never-good-enough-mindset. Realizing that I didn't know how to cope with such intense emotions, I decided to seek help and went to therapy. Fortunately, my therapist was incredibly supportive and patient with me. She introduced me to the skills of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help manage my emotions, and it turned out to be a life-changing experience. I never fully grasped the significance of acceptance until then - accepting my pain and negative feelings and learning to manage them more effectively. Now, I can say that I am happier than before because I've learned to accept myself for who I am and focus on living in the present moment each day. I am from Malaysia btw, come on down to Kuala Lumpur sometime and maybe I can show you around haha. Cheers Steph!

Hey steph~ thank u so much for sharing ur experiences and what u had to go through! everyday I wish u all the happiness in the world because u really were part of my life when I going through a rough time. Just like how bubz is such an inspiration to u and how her videos made u feel so much better, ur videos did the same for me so thank u steph~

Hi Steph i have subs and watching your video for some time. Just want to say thank you for fighting for yourself and doing a great job in everything. Glad you find help at your darkest time, hope you find your light again this day forward. God bless :)

Choi, we love you and really nice to know that you are well now.

Hi Steph! I feel sorry for What you went trough… But Let me tell you this: your videos saved me from depression a lots of time and i’m so glad I’ve happened to discover your channel! You are so precious for lot of us… I hope you’ll feel better 😊

awww steph we love you!

Steph, I won't reiterate all the great words that other posts have already said. Just want you to know that I appreciate you and value your work here, and it's always a delight to see your videos. I'm so glad you're seeking help and feel you're getting better. It's a struggle, for sure, as others have said, sometimes ongoing even when we're healing, but you are valued, you are a fascinating person, and you deserve all the goodness and abundance in the universe.

I missed you 🥺 I truly did, happy you're back ❤

I followed you for so long. At the begning of studyung English language, I found your channel late 2015. I'm from Egypt and also struggle with mental health. You are not alone who struggle with that darkness. I cant believe l have kown you for this long and l consider you as a close friend or a sister. I hope you find peace and overcome depression every time.

I struggled with generational shame, and only recently have gotten over it. I remember you struggling back in the days, but like you said, when you're deeply in it, every thing looks hazy and you can't really communicate your feelings, specially when nobody's listened or validated your emotions growing up. I'm happy you're doing better, I recommend you listen to podcasts, my favorite is Back From The Borderline, everything is research-based and there are different series in it including Shame, scapegoating and more. Best of luck Steph!!

You are remarkably insightful. It takes considerable bravery to share one's internal tapestry. Thoughts and emotions crafted and woven over time. Thank you.

Honestly, just seeing your face again in my feed made me happy... hope to see you back more regularly.

Thank you for sharing, I’m glad you got this out~

It’s so nice to hear your part of the story im so glad to be hearing the full story at last. I always made assumptions on why you had to quit and hoped and imagined that life was treating you well at the time that you were gone. And in the meantime i (and this is with no joke) watched your akita university vlogs on and on and on. I even saved them to my offline playlist(?) thingy to listen to them while i go to work, rest, eat… Im so sad to hear that those days were your worst because those vlogs were my motivation and my comfort place. When you were you gone i missed you a lot but when i saw you on insta living your life, i came to realize that maybe resting from youtube was a good idea for you and your health. But seeing you back on youtube is my dream come true literally. Youve done so well steph and will do better and better❤️ I can’t explain more how much your videos (even if they are short or even if you may think they are useless) inspire and make my day So take care of yourself! You dont have to put positivity all the time here on youtube we are all people steph it is okay to be sad and depressed embrace the time and just love yourself we can go through it together

OMG I am so happy you are back. I used to go to your channel and wishing you would be back. I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

thanks for sharing your experience, youre amazing

You are a strong woman and I'm so happy for you that you are doing all better now.

Steph you only ever have to please yourself not everybody else. I was so happy to see you return here because I thoroughly enjoyed your past videos. I always saw you as an intelligent and articulate young lady and you still remain so in my eyes. I remember the video about the incident you spoke of in this video and I was saddened that you had to go through that. I think the fact that you survived all the trauma and depression that has beset you over the years is testimony to your strength of character and strong will. Dare I say you would probably make a good counsellor yourself so that advice should shoot down your concerns about being a poor leader. I have done some crisis counselling myself and my approach was to be a tool to help whoever I was counselling to talk about their issues. Once someone understands their issues they begin to also see the answers to rectifying the problems these issues present. Take care and stay safe Steph I look forward to your future videos with a smil on my face.

Love you so much, Steph.🩷💕

Thats so sad, i Ididnt know you went through all that. 😭. my dad and my older brother made me feel so useless when i was a kid. stay strong stephanie! ❤

Hi Steph! It’s funny thinking that I’ve been watching your videos since nearly the beginning I guess since I’ve been here since the end of your Korea vlogs....I get depressed and heavy in my chest so often too since I was a teen but especially since 2017 because everything means too much to me and overwhelms me and makes me sad 😂 and definitely definitely the never good enough feeling. but it’s always been nice to see your channel and sometimes I’d share videos with my mom &&& she always liked you too I think she used to be like “oh it’s happybabii!” 😂😂😂 that’s a throwback Therapy seems so so so so difficult but I’m glad it worked out for you!!!

I have been through the similar way as you are. All I have to say is the past is always the past, we all have to live the present. Do not care about the others, always "you do you".

Omg hello steph love to see you on my feed❤️❤️

This video is the quintessential expression of “keeping it real”. I actually didn’t realize you had been gone for that long, because I got way behind on checking my subscribed channels. I’m one of those people who feels the need to give advice, but I’ll keep it in for now. Hope to see more videos and that you can feel comfortable saying whatever you want to say.

thanks for sharing your story!^^) so glad that you are back :))) really wish you keep healthy and be happy all the time:)))

omg followed your vlog a few years back and for the past few days been trying to think what was your name and today finally remembered and searched for "stephanie japanese vlog" and here again just in time for a new vlog!!! 🥰

Glad to see you again😊

So happy to see ur upload continuing. Don't let the view numbers discourage you. Loyal viewers will happen gradually.

I don't usually comment on videos , but here to say that I'm really happy for you！It must have been needed a lot of courage to share this personal journey of yours！Continue doing what keeps you happy！応援してま―す❤

I hope u always happy Steph 😊

Been watching you since 2015 , hope you're doing well ! We missed your video dearly Steph ❤ , Love from Malaysia

Normally this is the part where some long words of encouragement comes from us but unfortunately my anxiety itself is impeding me from focusing n writing a message. But I'm surprised at how much I could relate & how far deep you went into sharing yourself. I wish I could talk to you and listen to all of your stories and share mine as well and have a partner to listen to all of these 🥲

welcome baaaaccckkkkkkk...!!!!!!

Wow, Steph; I never knew you felt this way for so long, but it is good that you shared it with us because we care about you. You know, it is good to feel the emotions that you have, whether they are positive or negative, because you are human and humans are suppose to feel their emotions. Furthermore, God wants us, as humans, to feel our emotions so that we can use them to do good in the world. That is the hardest aspect of being a human, in my opinion: Doing what is good despite of how we feel. Nonetheless, you are a good person, Steph; so share that goodness with other good-hearted people and watch the wonderous outcomes that spawn from it~

Hope ur doing well steph! Ur story resonates so much with alot of things going on in my life! Enjoy taiwan! Im from taiwan too and now live in new zealand, but i love taiwanese foooood! Eat them and cheer up :)

Its not deceptive promoting positivity with all the things you were goin through. Infact its the opposite, it takes a lot of effort, especially with all your own personal feelings. Glad to see you healthy and just know your subscribers accept you for whatever you are or want to be, so pls don't feel any pressure 🙏 Ps. This video was a relateable peak into your personal side, appreciate the honesty❤️

you`re so brave to share your story to public, i`m even feel shy to share my story to counselor even though it is the main purpose of me meet the counselor ... i`ve already in the state that i just don`t know what to do anymore (maybe you know what does it meant)

Stay strong and always believe in yourself

Hey Steph, dunno if you remember meeting at SNU, I really miss those days :') Sorry to hear about all of things you went through and glad to hear you are doing better! Mental health is really tough and a lifelong battle. Hope you get the help you need to continue to thrive and be happy

This was so hard to watch ; thank you for being so vulnerable and real with us . We missed you we love you . And you really left a void in our lives when you left . Was happy to see glimpses of you on Instagram once in a while.

Sending you positive energy ❤ take care of yourself and be selfish .sometimes it's good for your mental health.

Finally see You Again welcome back lovely ❤❤❤

Hi Steph, greeting from Indonesia. I'm glad that you're are better. It took a courage to tell the story about your mental health so thank you for sharing. As an asian myself, I can relate to you and I believe you can get even better over time. Please visit Indonesia again in the future. I'll see you in next video.😄

I remember my first time watching you was that video about visiting an Indonesian home.

Love you Steph.. Sudah rindu kan mu sekian lama..

oh. my. god. hi wow long time no see wow wow. glad youre backkkk~

Steph, I may go to therapy again, it does help when someone listens. Steph, we never me meet but, I can feel you have a warm heart and the worlds A better place because you are here!

Stay strong, we love you❤

I wanna hug you so bad! You've been through a lot, but you can be so proud of yourself for where u are now

I guess everyone have their own coping mechanisms in terms of mental health, be it a partner, hobbies or pets. Find something that will occupy you and give you pleasure and hopefully things can be slightly more pleasant. Life is never easy, so have a break. Take a swig, relax or anything that catches your fancy. But never let it overtake you and occupy your mind totally. Take care everyone...

Long time, no see. Nice to see you again!

Thank you. This helps.

Hi Steph! I'm one of your Japanese fans, haha. I actually had depression two years ago, but got over it and now everything is fine. During my depression, I went to a mental clinic to take a counseling there and the doctor who I met actually changed my life. He always told me something like "Most people in the world work very hard first, then rest. But, it's not correct. Rest first, then work. You should charge your battery first before using it. Most people don't do that. Use the battery first then charge it, but you cannot fully charge your battery when you use it too much. If you continue using your battery under the situation like this, your body and brain do not work properly, and at the end, your body stops you to do anything because of lack of battery. (People call this phenomenon "depression".) So, first thing that you need to do is just rest (charge your battery,) then use it. Do not forget this order. Rest first, then move." Since then I always think how to rest, not what do do. Anyway, hope all is going well in Taiwan :)

Funny cause my RU-vid notification is only you, and I can't even see you for real, Wish you always good everyday Steph... Love you ❤

That's really nice that you are easy on yourself - that is so important! I'm so sorry you went through trauma and sorry that the messaging you received from your family about God was negative. God (and Jesus) are not like that at all - He is love and gives grace and love to all who believe in Him. Idk where you're at in your faith, but I want you to know God loves you for exactly who you are (because He made you and knew you before you were even born and chose you). Psalm 139 is beautiful. I pray that you will experience His love for you in the coming days ❤️

I just survived from depression my self I also know that you suffer some depression just like me, in your last video before break, and thats why I give a comment "I hope you be happy" And now I hope you can just be humbled and just accept your problem No way we can forget our bad memories, but we can strongly accept the problem, accept our weaknesses etc. God never hate you, thats why god created you, god always love you and thats why god give you big big problem and make you depressed And when you lose all your strength to face the problem, you may back to god to ask for help 🙏

Thank you for sharing with us. It's been years since your last video. Please, continue to share everything with us. I'm from Indonesia. If you coming again to this country don't hesitate to call me.

keep spirit and healthy always...

We could listen to you and accept you as you are. It's not the same but another option. I use to be very happy before the internet. I think the internet makes me sad but I can't exactly free myself from it.

Hoping you will feel even better in the coming days.

Since this is youtube and... its a bit public? so I am a bit scared writing a personal comment but I want to share my thoughts. I also have been struggling with depression and anxiety since I was in my early teens, and I am an adult now, and its I would say more stable, but still not completely gone. I think it's because things I am anxious about or obsess about in my mind and worry about are things that cannot be necessarily solved completely. So it always comes back to me when I am in a weak position. And then this makes me feel depressed, and then leads to darker thoughts, whether they be stronger at times when things are really bad, but usually not too bad. I had great help from doctors and therapist for many years which I am very thankful for. But I still do sometimes fall into the dark hole. Watching this video made me realize that one of the things I could really work on to make things better is accepting myself. Which what my therapist also did for me. So thank you for reminding me of that. When you put it in that way, in that perspective it really touched my heart and made me really realize what I need to do. Because before I knew I need to accept myself but it is still very difficult to really accept myself. But when put in that way, it is easier I think. Hope this wasn't triggering.... And thanks for such a lovely video and being so open.

Selamat siang,salam sejahtera buat kita semua semoga sehat selalu buat mba Choi dan tetap semangat,.🎉

Steph ! You are so pretty 😊

Steph, I'm sorry to hear most of what happened to you. I want you to know that I will be praying for you. You may not have had a good experience with your parents and they surely misled you about God. God is never angry with you, nor does He hate you. I pray that He helps you get through with your life and make you see a lot of the good things He has in store for you. You take care. Always stay positive. You may not want to pray, but I will pray for you. :)

hugss🥰

Still remember the first video I saw of yours was the telling your parents you aren't religious video, your content always been uplifting though so ty for that

Stay strong. Have a great life ahead steph! Edit: You getting cuter btw

i think im on kind of that situation now,im not get myself expectation,im afraid im going depressed

Hey steph! I’ve been watching you since I was a teenager too but you had always brightened my days with every video. I’m so happy and proud of you to hear that you’re doing much better. I wanted to write this comment for you and for those who are struggling with depression. As someone who also used to struggle with anxiety and depression, I want you to know that Jesus loves you. I’m not talking to force you to believe a religion. I’m sorry if anyone has ever hurt you to believe that God is someone who wants you in pain or suffering. I used to think he’s there’s but how do I find him. Jesus is the way the truth and the life. There is hope, healing and peace in this life in Jesus.. God loves you deeply so much that Jesus died for you on the cross so you can go to heaven and to give you his peace. Let Jesus into your life, and you’ll see his hand in every storm and every battle of your life. He created you with a grand purpose, he is the only one who can fill the emptiness and he loves you beyond what you can imagine. Praying that whoever reads this has an encounter that they know God’s true and endless love 🙏❤️ love you steph! You are such a beautiful soul and Jesus loves you

❤❤❤❤

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Terimakasih telah sedikit berbagi cerita tentang kehidupan anda Sungguh luar biasa ketika kamu dalam tekanan yang hebat tapi kamu masih bisa berbagi hal yang positif kepada banyak orang tidak semua orang bisa melakukan sperti apa yang kamu lakukan semoga engkau menjadi lebih baik lagi dalam segala hal untuk kedepannya

Great video,