WHY INFJ WOMEN ARE SO COLD-HEARTED 

Do you think INFJ women are more cold-hearted than most?

The more someone drains me the colder I get. Just like when everyone in a room is chaotic and highly emotional, I then get calmer and will throw feelings out the window.

Fear of being cold-hearted kept me in way too many wrong relationships.

Coldness shows a lot of honesty. That’s beautiful in infj women. I find that very attractive. People use coldness bc they fed up with the bs,so under that coldness is always something beautiful.

I don't consider myself as cold, I think I am more rational and pragmatic than a lot of other women I meet. But you are right, I often had the impression that other women think I am cold.

I am constantly accused of being cold hearted. One guy once said "you are so warm, and yet cold and hard as nails." I couldn't really cry until age 21.

So true. We often confuse being cold as some extreme end of our empathy and struggle with setting boundaries in any kind of relationships. We only reach the point of coldness once we have used up all our warmth and now we just want to break free of the situation somehow. In extremes it leads to doorslams, when we are not that mature but when you are mature you reach a state of indifference.

I have a warm heart until you cross the line then the cold hearted door slam engages. It might seem cold cause we can spot BS from a mile away.

To reinforce my boundary requires some level of coldness, I think of it being resolved to stop trying with someone and respecting myself

Anyone who thinks Wenzes isn't a good mother lives under a rock. I've always thought of her as our Internet mom... sharing her wisdom and teaching us how to thrive in the world out of the love in her heart. I imagine all us little INFJs as her children lol

I kinda feel my coldness is actually triggered by anger or hurt due to my sensitivity. Example: right now in the U. S. I coldly ready to door slam the entire group of political conservatives. Almost like the coldness is a result of being emotionally overwhelmed.

Damn... This is SO true. The part about how I keep thinking I don't need protection, and it's up to me to protect others. And also, how we are conditioned to feel guilty about now being "soft and tender" all the time because we're women. For example, I tend to have a rather cold reaction to people's deaths. Unless it is in horrible circumstances (dying young of an illness or dying in a car accident), or unless they are really, really close people that I'm terrified of losing (that would be basically, my dad, my mum and my brother), it's not that I don't feel sad, but I'm just... Very philosophical about it. You know, people live, people die, and that's how the world goes. When someone has lived long enough to become a shadow of themselves, death can be a deliverance for them and thus, I'm sad but also glad they're at peace. When someone dies peacefully and quickly, I think "well at least they had a good death, didn't suffer", etc. Meanwhile everyone is hurting and in grief and I feel like I'm some kind of monster for being able to take so much distance.

This makes sense... Our core is cold 😆.. we definitely are more logical than other feeling types

I empathize and can definitely see how this would be a struggle for women. As a younger man, it is weird though how my coldness is valued or shunned in different situations. I think my coldness makes me seem intimidating or older to my peers when I really don't want them to see me as scary or old. To my bosses and to my parents they see it as antisocial or a sign of selfishness. My Dad even told me "Jabari, its like your not cute anymore," when I was 22 years old. Like, of course I'm not cute, I'm an adult, and I'm a man. But even if I was a woman, you really are going to base your love and empathy and trust in me based off of whether or not I am "cute"?

I am deeply caring and empathetic im just not touch feely and don't show my emotions and have been accused of being cold. Im not really just protecting myself

I feel like my emotions disappeared a few years ago.

Sometimes we have to use cold to protect our selves

I would LOVE a video from you on being an INFJ wife and mother. This is something I really struggle with for the exact reasons you’re talking about-not feeling domestic enough, etc. Thank you for this channel!!

This topic caused me a lot of confusion when I was younger because, empath that I was/am, I was able to identify with what people were going through, and have warm, kindhearted feelings - but then be called "cold hearted." But, as you said, we are logical beings as well. We INFJs are often called the "Introverts most likely to be mistaken for extroverts." I have a hunch that we also may qualify as "Feelers most likely to be mistaken for thinkers." Hmmmmm. 🤔 As for logic (and I value it) I haven't thought of it as interfering with with warm-heartedness - and maybe even working with it. But to try to explain why or how, would be hard to do. I deeply appreciate your emphasis on committing ourselves to being OK if we don't live up to others' expectations. I think that's the key point for all personality types, but especially for us INFJs.

Right now I'm constantly reminding myself to be cold hearted because it hurts too much. It's funny how everything I've done for my mother, she automatically remembered it being someone else or herself. But I don't mind anymore as I've distanced myself from her or anyone else that's not worth it. I mean I still love her as she's doing a lot for me but from my side, I'm just giving from a distance already. It's really liberating doing the same for every other person. Because they will never notice INFJ's subtle support.

I am INFJ, and as you said, I used to look first on others, then me. Now I try to balance it, still love to support, and take care about others. Maybe I am a bit introvert with expressing my feelings, that's why I like writing, but how can I be cold-hearted if I am getting so easy trigged witnessing injustice. I cry on the movies, and I am very venerable when kids or animals are suffering. If my family or friends has problems, I am fully focused on, how to help them. I am very sensitive and emotional INFJ, even if I am not always expressing my feelings and emotions outside.

I feel you have to act like a certain way in order for people to accept us. Since we are different, people donate understand us. It's hard because we struggle to make a good first impression and we don't feel comfortable with who we are.

11:45 - Being okay with people seeing me as COLD

We *can* behave in those traditionally domestic ways. We just do it with the INFJ twist! The tasks just need to have a point and a purpose to work toward. For instance, baking was basic math and chemistry practice with my kids. Cooking was lessons in balanced nutrition. House cleaning was lessons in environmental and emotional hygiene (balancing), and great cooperation practice (when doing a family power hour). Daily routines and laundry lineups were great ways for us to practice both, our time management skills and our cooperative organization skills, with each other. Four kids, two adults and one bathroom, yet, we rarely ever had any logistical problems because everyone always remembered to be considerate and always check in with all the others, any time we were about to head in for a longer, more involved, bathroom trip (shower, big long crap, etc). When people work together, mindfully and without any of that nasty passive aggressive under the radar bs, things just work and run a *lot* more smoothly. That’s how *we* *INFJs* *do.*

I first thought: No that's me and then...okay I actually know this. For me it has a lot to do with repressed anger and releasing it.

My family thinks I'm cold due to the boundaries I have set and prefer to keep my siblings at a distance. As the youngest of 6 I was a people pleaser/peace maker. Since realizing that I was being taken advantage of I put a stop to it and started focusing on me. Men also think I'm cold/stuck up due to my standards and that's ok with me because I refuse to settle for someone that doesn't enhance my life.

I struggled to understand this at first, but as it went on I get it. I think it’s about boundaries, and recognising your own value and worth. We mostly grew up not knowing our own value and blaming ourselves for perceived flaws.

I did not realize this about myself - but looking at it - I have been called insensitive or nonchalant or matter of fact - This showed up in many dynamics for me - but I will ponder this and add more - you gave it a name and unpacked this new frontier for us INFJ women - it's worth me considering your words with my lived experiences- New Frontier of INFJ growth - yaaah!!!!!

We can or i can Decompartmentalize. I'm good at staying calm in crazy situations. I can't explain it but in emergency situations my brain can go quiet and I can go through motions. Like auto pilot.

I'm going to need a chiropractor to keep watching this channel. I nod so hard in agreement, I'm getting neck strain.

I really thought that about myself. Once I think something (a relationship, a job) doesn't have potential, I just end it and move forward. Why would I waste time for something with no future?

My favorite part of my self is my coldness. I have been questioning if i am an IFNJ? I don't like B.S.and I am not going to deal with it. I also have no problems cutting ties with people who are constantly causing problems or drama.

Been single since September 22 2017

This made me cry a little. My mother being ENTP aswell ... I know how draining that is. But thanks to all the years dealing with her I was able to accept my coldness as a strength and not a flaw.

I wish I were cold-hearted, that would have saved me a lot of pain.

Same for blokes too!

Hate when I set boundaries and I'm the one that's wrong. No I simply said what I wanted and they don't deliver. Something very simple as intelligent conversation. It's not my fault they can't carry intelligent conversation. 🤦💯. I of course withdraw and then seem cold but I'm really not. I see deeper than most people so it's so hard to have my energy matched in these areas.

interesting. I see the struggle. I have sometimes (but rarely) been judged for this not so obvious to most kindness. Could imagine it is way worse for a woman.

I m loving INFJ. its the reason i m watching this. maybe because i m intp, and people sa we match or maybe i wanna under what makes us soo compatible.

As a man 👨 I can relate to this 💯🗣

Being cold hearted brings in the money and that's what matters.

Reserved, private maybe cold hearted- I wouldn’t describe myself as this

coldhearted or dead is my choises

Great video!! I like the crown Netflix series - Queen Elizabeth is so intriguing in this way. I wish to exhibit that strength of character and determination.

That is eye opening for me, i use to judge the cold part of m'y persona because i have empathy...for me the two couldnt coexist. Thanks so much, i Will work on accepting this Side of me...im not selfish but maybe i should, like you Say, be more protective of myself❤️

😂 I love you Wenzes

FINISHED ! D O N E. ! End of the ROAD !

Is infact the opposite,its all about a survival !

So beautiful articulated Wenzes💙.

To be honest I over think things and unfortunately head rules heart. I have a problem with commitment toi. When there is a bad situation and people are getting too excited and nit thinking clearly then I am cool and am able to logically think through the situation but after saving the situation people have said I was firm with them they sometimes say I was a bit cold and I get a bit ineardly offended and overthink the whole drama again and again.

Wenzes…. Thank you this is helpful (from the aspect of self acceptance). 🤔❤🇺🇸

next video...why infj men are so warm-hearted, stay tuned lol

Wow, spot on. Here is a motivational song for accepting this part of ourselves: Beth Crowley - Empire

This was a very very good breakdown. Thank you.

My dad is an INTP. Ugh sometimes it is too much for INFJ. I have no problem telling him okay I don't want to hear it anymore

It's VERY encouraging!! Thanks!

infj stare *intensifies*

I actually over give and over do but once I just accept that the relationship is toxic draining me and will not get better I just 🚪 doesn’t mean I don’t care is just that you really have to avoid some people especially when they show you that they’re trying to har m you

This is so incredibly helpful, thank you so much! ❤🙏

Not cold hearted, but do what it is best for the other person

|NFJ dont care about "more accepted" so even if it was "more accepted" (it is 2023 and I am not in the unaccountable class) it is not a why for us. My unwillingness to be cold hearted has ruined my life several times. Now I will eat my enemies

Thanks so much for great inspiration. Just saw you are in Koeln, I am just visiting there atm. So weird.

The thing is, no one asked the infjs to overextend themselves. Of course boundaries are important, I guess once you can make that decision in your head to create boundaries, what's left is implementing it.

Thank you

I know I am good hearted, been scammed for two months. Never is she here, though she says she is.

this is good

cold-hearted it's genetic and environmental issues. It's not a choice, when women claim to be a cold person they aren't one, it's just a self defensive mechanism to protect themselves not being hurt again, it has nothing to do with being '' cold-hearted'' this is pretty normal behavior, it's a self protection.... My adult brother 35 is cold- hearted. Lack of empathy, muted emotions, sadistic, manipulative,....He blame people all the time who made him this way....That's what a cold person means.....PS: Cold- hearted: genetic and environmental issues....

For a infj rolemodel I wouldn't pick dany (GOT). You haven't seen the ending did you? She overdid it with the cold-hearted thing just a bit. 😵‍💫 I prefer Morticia Adams, Galadriel (LotR) or Feng Jiu (Eternal love of dream). They are very loving feminine women who have self-control. But when its inappropriate to be the sensitive caring woman they can be rational and turn it off towards those who don't deserve it (door slam). Morticia is the rock of that family...but don't mess with her family or she will take you out. Feng jiu was able to make a guy people assumed had no heart (ENTP) 100% love her and she was able to handle his rougher edges. We are perceived as cold-hearted but its just a shell to protect our sensitive side. We need someone who can see that. Those that think we are cold-hearted....keep on moving. And sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. We have enough empathy to say it with love but sometimes you need to do the rational thing...thats kinder to that person in the long run. Which is kinda the doorslam as well....seeing a toxic future and sparing both parties involved by just ending it beforehand ....cruel to be kind.

i almost cried????????????

My father is an ENTP as well , but I'm a guy , and boy oh boy ! Did we have some firey arguments , and he is slick , and he even reads people well , but he just can't walk in a line ! his Ne makes him a creative dreamer and quite fun and entertaining to be around being a smart EXXP , but when I give it my cold truth bombs and hold on to what I know is true he used to get so damn angry , he's actually quite evil and manipulative , lots of ENTPs are Sociopaths ! Funnily enough he fell for my mom ! Who IS AN INTJ !!! WELCOME THE PSYCHOPATH !!! My mom literally passed a test for psychopathy and she can't smell , she's a doctor and teaches Virology especially Hepatitis at college , she is so orderly and she's the one that plans out the lecture schedule for the entire medical school ! and the lying and machiavillism are horrific ! At a certain point when I'd argue with her about an important personal issue , she would act sensitive and emotional and say I can't take this it's too much for me , and cry then play dead to run away ! I mean ?!... I'd tell her : "mom ! You are not sensitive and soft , you are a doctor and you made surgeries for people before and got hundreds of children born onto your hands crying with all the blood and goo ! You even used to scare your sister with an actual human scull at college ! Remember that story ?! We even had some family sufferers , and you saved their lives in emergencies ! So you know being tough can make things get better !" Then she stands straight , snap shifts and immediately stops crying like a robot saying : "OK , Fine you're right !" Sometimes I tell her : "They're suffering , not you , so help them and don't cry , so selfish and pretentious !" And she would blow up in anger like no snowflake can imagine ! She even seems quite nice and cute and extraverted around us ! But she's known as tough and fierce in college , sometimes she has that ugly stare when upset or even when she's focusing on a work in hand , and it looks exactly just like Amy in the movie Gone Girl , see now this is a very bad example , and it's absolutely criminal ! all respect to INTJ women , just try to chill out OK ?! I admire both of my parents intellect and toughness , and I most definitely learned a lot of dark insights living with them that I'd be curious about as an INFJ obsessed with death metal nightmare fuels ! so that now I'm tougher than a veteran war spy , Now that I'm 21 , independant and intimidating and I stood for my self and chose my path , I earned their respect ! And they won't look over me again. We INFJs can do this !

What if we're cold hearted, to boundary breakers and encroachers

Thank you :)

13:15 - Boundaries

I wouldn’t say cold but def cool

Yes I agree 😊

Wow!!

Because they are actually INTJ

9:08 - COLD HEARTED MONSTER

Can we collect here more of those role-models please?

I find any person who's being who they truly are will go in line with people who match that, so they can better connect with people & the things that are most important to them :). What do you think?

I hear ya, girls, but if I invite you out and you say 'No', I'm not going to invite you 20 more times, hoping you change your mind.

ofcourse but your eyes another thing say..

My problem with my dad too

I really can care less my heart is ice im happy single

Damn, ENTP as a father. As a man, INFJ, if I had a father ENTP I would have definitely ended him. I have had few interactions with ENTPs, but when I did this dude decided he wanted to go to war with me. He came back at me like 6-7 times. Now as a man, I should have stomped his head into the ground the ripped it from his torso. And if it were anyone other than my father in law, I would have happily with joy in my heart gone physical after the 3rd. Where I am from you don't do what ENTPs think is normal. That dude has never said boo to me in years. Quite honestly, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. His daughter is an ISFP who essentially has made my life a living hell because she is simply dumb and avoids structure and planning as if it would be her death. Stupid people are the biggest problem, next would be the cowards, evil people actually make up such a small population that they could easily be wiped from the "earth". I think INFJs would be somewhat intimidating to INFJs as it would be so weird to meet someone who actually somewhat understood you just at a base level not evening too deep.

Cold hearted ? I thought infj are rare and invisible even never exist 😅 so.. who care ?!? Gosh... Consider act and react of common behavior.

Sorry Wenzes having a bad day

Can this be said without a formal study and defined fields?

👍😊❣️

💙💪🎯👉🙂❤

in my case i always get told that i'm so cold and i am self conscious about it, like what if nobody loves that part of me ever? but i've always found people that get it, normally xnxp's and i like it, sometimes i see it as a strength and if people don't want to know more about me bc of it it's their problem