@@taylorbee4010 people keep saying this, and with NPD there's a way of telling at the beginning so there I agree. But with the att style, there's no way of knowing, at the start. It's also something someone can change if they know what's going on with them, so maybe our focus should be on whatever method works best. Running away when your heart is already smashed, like why run when the damage is done, if you know what I mean
Hearing that they definitely have/had feelings for me actually soothes me a bit cuz I know I did everything right.. she left me and needed space because of everything you said in this video.. I don’t know if she ever reaches out again, I just know that I did everything I could and did everything right so it’s up to her to fix herself.. I tried my best
Right there with you. I wish you the best. You were playing a game and never told the rules. And honestly I don't think the other knew the rules either and if they did they changed them as they went along
One week: "You are my world, you have ruined me for other men. Looking at you and us makes me feel like home." The next week: "We're just not compatible" It's an absolute mind fuck and it hurts. Hard to have sympathy, but also hard to not.
He is spot on in this video! They feel like when things are going well it scares them that it will end so the fear of abandonment kicks in and they shut down. They don’t communicate their needs and resentment sets in. I even communicated to my ex that I didn’t want my ex to resent me so I didn’t agree we should get married. Thank goodness I didn’t because exactly what he says here happened in that order. If I were concerned I’d ask my exes response: I’m fine. It’s fine. that’s fine…… Deep down I knew those phrases were a way for me to stop asking, they aren’t interested in healthy commutative relationships, that’s not what they’re used to. They come from completely different worlds.
Coach Ryan, you explain this so clearly. I kept giving and giving to the avoidant then he would freak out and pull away. I would give him space for a few weeks then he would want to get back together with me. This went on for over a year until I finally realized, he was always putting himself first and that is never going to change into a healthy dynamic relationship.
I completely relate She did the same thing to me. Had me believing she loved me and I was always there , displaying love to her. Next thing I know, she ghosted. She has anxiety and uses it as an excuse . I hope you have moved on and healing . I understand the heartbreak .
@@walkertranger5746 Coach must get tired of saying the same things over and over to us! I just became unfriended by his family. They have no clue... It hurts
@nancy If you can't eat chocolate but your partner brings you loads of it every day, then gets upset because you don't appreciate it, then what should you do? I like this example because it shows how the love language is different and needs are different between the attachment styles. One's giving doesn't get interpreted as that, the DA not ever criticizing is their way of showing empathy and it's basically ignored. So both sides have something to express and one just has way more difficulty in doing it. I believe there's a way to fix everything with the right therapy; we can't fix them they have to do it themselves.. but there's definitely a way
@@walkertranger5746 some kids have had to watch their parents trying to destroy each other, so people get relationship baggage before even having had a relationship of their own; becomes hard to ever trust in loving relationships after that. I think it's that going on, I don't believe they're trying to hurt anyone on purpose. It's just intense fear
Yep, I was the one. 5th wife. Im taking accountabilty for not honoring my standards. Im worthy to be loved, im working to become secure. I cant blame him for everything. But how can you love someone and do what he did? Absolutely not. He needs help. I pray he will get it. Hes 60 he still has time. There is no fear in love!
The real feelings come to the surface sometimes.... I see them kinda like trapped in a cage of their own fears, and can't see how to get out and be able to live normally with their feelings like others. It's sad, trapped in their traumas, and fear dictating their actions.. now and again they get free, only to go back inside that cage.
It can be very confusing and extremely painful; but it's their traumas messing with them. Who knows what they had to go through as kids, they feel they can't rely on anyone.
What’s the difference between an avoidant and someone with bpd traits? It doesn’t matter. Neither one is meeting your emotional needs. Let them go until they get help and even then be careful as they are going to make YOU mentally ill with their crap
ryan... thank you.. for all your videos.. ive been searching and searching for the answer's and finally ive realized that yes my partner is an avoidant. im trying daily to follow all of what you said and hope that she can realize and see that i understand and get it. just hopefully she comes back as from now on ill be chilled and set boundaries but relax and take a step back.
Everything you talk about is on point. After one year in a relationship with one short brake up, he broke up with me after at trip together, I felt something after that trip. He wanted to be more and more alone, and by himself. I tried to talk to him about it and about how attachment and there I lost him... Is it also common that avoidants dont want to have kids? I first guessed that was it. But also when you talk about that the other person could be too good for him that also gives me some answers. Your channel is gold!
Out of the blue for me. 2.5 years and he said i was not his girlfrie d and jyst gor the sex. We never had any problems,traveled,met families,friends on both sides,im a nurse and he is a contractor. I do believe hes has issues. Trusting was hard for him. His loss. These videos have helped me. NC for 2 weeks now.
My avoidant husband discarded me last month in April while I was 2 mths pregnant with our first child. Things weren't going good a month prior because he moved in with his sick father to help care for him, during that time, he started to "slow fade" me. I had no idea of this term until coach Ryan mentioned it, but I noticed he was becoming distant and I brought it to his attention, and he didn't really care, which made me frustrated and constantly made me tell him how much I felt lonely and neglected. Now that his father has passed and my husband has discarded me, he has gone "no contact" with me. Even while being pregnant with our child, he has shown no emotions or care for my well-being or the baby's well-being. It is all so hurtful and confusing. All I can do is give him his space. Coach Ryan is right, I believe his actions are from childhood trauma and how he is truly a emotionally unhealthy person, to have treated me this way.
the dismissive I dated told me he and his ex-wife split during the pregnancy. It didn't square with the nice person I was getting to know and I was disturbed to be dating someone who did that - well I was right to be disturbed as I found out 6 months in when I was discarded - pls try to heal for yourself and know it's better not wasting a life with this defective type person
@@chiaraA. Thank you. Like coach Ryan mentions in other videos, when you get blindly discarded, it's a totally different person you've known prior. I would have never thought my husband would treat me so cold. I have questioned so much, from if he ever loved me, down to why he refuses to give me closure (coach Ryan explains this in another video). I guess in my head, if you marry and "love" someone, how is it so easy for the avoidant to become emotionless. I know I am better off, I just hate that we spent thousands of dollars on IVF to get pregnant, and he easily walked away to let me take care of all this on my own 😢
@@shayh.3617 Just know that these people don't self-reflect or have self-awareness - they claim to be all sorts of good things that one wants in a person, and may try to put out their that they're a good person, that they have certain desirable qualities - but then, their actions don't match words - they're not committed, they discard, they don't care about another's feelings - they are NOT authenticate and do not have integrity. That right there tells me they are not the person they say they are. And that's game over for me. Period. I am a person of my word. I have personal integrity. Only when a person's behaviors match their words are they in fact an authenticate human being with integrity. And that's the person I want. Not whatever all this nonsense is, unhealed as it is, and acting like there's nothing wrong - my goodness
I'm so sorry girl...Im praying for you and the baby...it's enough to send you into a depression BUT FIGHT THAT!!! You got a child to raise! Unfortunately, you got some haaarrrddd choices to make!
I can’t tell you how much of this was so helpful . I knew in my gut that he cared for me. I knew it but he kept running and then he would come back and leave again and I finally put my foot down. I’m like no I can’t go through this anymore, but I knew he loved me, so this really helped to know that he did have feelings for me so thank you
6 months and a week post discard for me. Somewhere in our relationship, I came very close to ending our relationship. Because she was ignoring a boundary that I have, and i felt disrespected. She lashed out at me, claiming it was my own insecurities and she wasn't to blame. We were nearing the Christmas holidays, and i had met her whole family and close friends. We had plans for the holidays. I told myself that it had to mean something... she ended up discarding me a bit less than two months after. So, in the end it looks like it meant nothing after all.
This was my ex, she didn't communicate alot of things. She held all these things in and when she was breaking up with me, she brought up arguments and mistakes I made from many years ago. She said " I never wanted people to think there was something wrong between us." She was so mean and cold towards me at the end. We were together 13 years, and 4 months after we split, she's already in a new relationship.
I can't believe I only lasted two months. The other people she told me about who she didn't like and said she shouted at her got longer than me. Literally came out of nowhere. The morning after I got home from visiting she broke up with me over text. Brutal.
Absolutely. Ive been dealing with my ex for damn near 3 yrs. I told this person that i was going to take the asvab for the military. Took the test on the 9th of may by the 14th of may she told me she met someone else and shes been talking to him for 4 days and she wants to get to know them better. Out of no where. No remorse consideration or respect. This girl has been there for me at my worst stood by me the whole time. And as soon as i get my shit together and bring up the military POOF. Never really communicated her underline needs everything was always ok. Even when they clearly weren't. She says its hard for her to put her feelings in words. And its easy for her to detach then to have deep conversations. If thats not a avoidant i dont know what is.
6 weeks since my Avoidant girlfriend left me because she fall out of love. Cannot communicate the issues that are easy to resolve and discarded me with lame excuses. I beg and plead and try to fix things but so she's stubborn. Now im on NC for 2 weeks and she blocked me on everything.
Being with an avoidant for more than 3 years is really draining but I ignored all the red flags because I love her. I hope she finds her Perfect Match( she wants to find the perfect match that's why she don't want to fix things with us).
@@hrldenclDelusional at finest Sounds like my ex as well,i had a very stressfull week at work and couldnt even barely respond to her messages that she ended up feeling neglected,and then she picked a huge fight with me and three days later she discarded me told me that we should work on ourselves,that she is abusing herself,that she is codependent,that we should move on and stuff like that
@@hrldencl They're looking for a unicorn they will never find. Same with mine, says im amazing but there's no 'deep connection' which she doesn't even know what that is. Couldn't describe it.
Not only abandoned from childhood is the cause, my ex GF was in a very traumatic toxic relationship and had to deal to suicidal attempt and self harming. Beginning was a dream, best vacation ever as she said; she cheated me with his best friend and I had to discovered by myself in the worst way possible. Its been a month and a half and I cannot concentrate in anything, my confidence was erased and I feel physical pain every day, completely soul crashing. She fuc#£d me up, and believe me none of my previous break ups are even close,
At difficult time for me with adult sibling rivalry, my husband who knew all about what had been going on, thought fit to reveal his complete lack of empathy for me. In other words, any discord was all my fault. That was over ten years ago and we are still married even though I regard that accusation and lack of emotional bandwidth on his part to be the end of our marriage. We get along fine leading separate lives under the same roof. I have been through being told I need to move out so that he can continue with our house renovations. Also he announced he intended to buy a house a hundred miles away in order that he can indulge his hobbies of fell running and cross country skiing. He has done this and regularly disappears for three weeks at a time. Finally, finally I have mentioned divorce and I get absolutely no response. This week he is away and I am intending to get legal advice. I have known my husband for fifty years next year and yet I am treated like this but even worse I accept it.
After 21 years of marriage, adoption of 4 kids, with 1 left in the home. 15 years of sexless marriage not even a kiss for the last 8 - I got the "I Love you, but am not in love with you." lecture as she sits and plays on her phone, is walled off for over a decade and simply walled off refusing to engage in anything because she feels "overwhelmed" by my "intense emotions" and her self diagnosed anxiety" She won't discuss any of these avoidant issues stemming from her childhood other than to acknowledge it, but still does NOTHING to address it or fix it.
I have a relationship with one in 1984/85 now 39 years ago and the pain of her and her daughter of 8 never left me it's still in hart I wish that the pain will leave me alone
Why does every single video focus on the avoidant leaving the dumpee? You need to do videos on the avoidant getting dumped by us SA's. Not all of us are victims - we SA's (especially us super-empath sigma ISTPs) will dump the hell out of avoidants once we get a good whiff of what's actually going on.
Hi Ryan - does this apply to a long distance relationship too? Everything you said was spot on! I was dumped. She was an avoidant based on the research I’ve done and your videos. In fact, she was an avoidant to the tee. But, I wonder if throwing in the long distance dynamic makes your suggestions like no contact ineffective.
That's if he's a healthy man who has emotional intelligence and knows how to put his pride and ego to the side for love avoidants can't do that even if they want to feel deep love for you they bury everything lol...
2 months of no contact with my ex avoidant who i know, loved me. Would it be the right thing to do to send her flowers just to say hi and hope shes ok. Im feeling ok now, but i feel desperately sad for her.
There must be a way, but be careful because they come back and leave again even faster than before. Traumatized people hurt others, realize later and feel bad and stay away because of it, I think. I'd reach out to my ex but it's smashed my self confidence, so I'm waiting for him to do something first. Don't know if it's the right method but I'm trying to research this more
@@ashton1952I just want her to know that I'm here for her in whatever way she wants me to be and I'm OK with that. She's had a shit life and that's what makes me sad. Me being in it I know would make her happy. Maybe I'll give the flowers thing another week or so.
I strongly, strongly advise against that. 1) you will be enabling her. It’ll send her the message that she can discard you and have you as an available option. There will be no sense of urgency to come back and repair what she broke. 2) it almost ALWAYS pushes the avoidant away further. Avoidants take this as “pressure” to be emotionally available in a relationship for you. This very very likely will not workout the way you want it to, and almost always has the exact opposite effect.
