Oh I was totally discarded completely out of the blue. I had absolutely no idea it was going to happen. These are messed up people, can't ever have a relationship with them
I believe there are 5 stages. Idolize (love bomb), Devalue, Replacement (new supply), Discard and Hoover. Narcs will not leave you UNTIL they have a New Supply on the hook.
Sometimes the discard IS the devaluation. The confusion, the wondering what’s wrong with you, their stonewalling when it comes to answers all feels very devaluing and makes people question their worth/value as a partner.
they prefer your mutual destruction before you having an upper hand (or same level hand). Never forget this, it’s a question of time. They don’t believe in peace, nor healthy competition.
Yup!! Yes to all!! These are definitely the reasons! They will figure out some way to jump ship if they become convinced they have lost control over you, or you no longer have anything to offer them .. and off to the next meal ticket in the blink of an eye!
Or if they are married and you don’t know it and his wife had a PI following you and you live in a state where “marital misconduct” results in automatic spousal support and the right to sue the other woman (NC BTW).
Hi Paula, everybody. Firstly and in my experience, the devaluation phase can be done to your face or behind your back. While it’s true that there may not always be an apparent discard phase, it is always done and mostly occurs behind your back. In my case (8 years out now!!) 🎉, I was guilty on all counts (most of the 10 example cases you featured and touched base on in your video. I have an assertive personality ans started snooping too much and quickly became very hard to control and gaslight as I challenged him every opportunity I got. I’ve also always been very popular most of my life and also was with his 3 kids (which he hated me for even more!!) and became so outrageously envious and jealous. His friends and his parents also liked me (and that really threw him over the edge😂)!! So naturally, as he did a third silent treatment/ mini-discard on me, I left and dumped him that time too many-Turned that into no contact! 😂. They are pathetic and parasitic! They’re truly deranged and abnormal. I don’t miss that crazy making train! Cheers!
I was with my narcissist for 40 years. He tried to do the reverse this card and that didn't work. He used excessive gas lighting and manipulation to try to get me to leave. I came home from work and he had moved out with his sister. He tried to make me move out of our house and I won that war through the divorce court. He is truly evil and I never want him back. Him and his sister will feel the wrath of God's Karma at some point.
He almost discarded me before the devaluation stage. He said I had not shown enough love to him. He wanted me to look at him a certain way, he wanted me to worship him. I told him I was not going to feed him that kind of adulation because I found it very vain and narcissistic. He used a similar expression. He said he thought about "washing his hands of the relationship". Such a disgusting way of looking at a relationship. At the exact same time, my mom was being awful to me. I had had to move out because I was living with her and I could not envision having to regulate her emotions any longer. I moved out that very same week and she told me that I had used her and all the nasty things that her anger could come up with. That week was the worst of 2023. I am glad I now live away from my mom and that I broke up with this guy. He eventually started to devalue me, but it was so over the top, just like his love bombing, that I never believed him.
Great video. Described exactly my experience with the ex Narc. I was discarded both times completely without warning. Experienced the silent treatment a couple of times during the relationship. I didn't live with the Narc and so he was able to keep the mask on. I am a widow, so he probably felt I was vulnerable and would be easy to manipulate. Felt that he always kept me at arms length. Think I may have indeed been shelved. Although my ex Narc isn't a young man (late 50s).Looking back I do think I was discarded as punishment and for him to gain more power and control. I never met any of his family during almost a year together. Feel he 'jumped ship' when I wanted more of his time. Great detailed explanation of the mind of the Narcissist. Still find it difficult at times that everything was an illusion, probably always will. Hope you and Remi had a lovely time in Manhattan. Thanks Paula. x
I have to say, there is whole Army of lost men thinking they can live off ELDER WOMEN. ITS THE CHECK. No matter the love bomb, they want access to those funds. Keep your funds separate, live separate for ?2-3 years at least. They won't stick around without the $$, free place to live. They might throw $$ at first, DONT BE FOOLED.
It is essential to depersonalise the experience with the narcisists to heal. They are disordered, mentally ill people and we should detach emotionally from everything they do or say. Let us remember that we should go DEEP ( as dr Ramani says) - do not defend, engage, explain or personalise. Thank you Pola❤
They do have issues.... A lot of them... And yes they are evil. No normal person acts like they do. No normal person goes on disappearing cycles for no reason ... Leaves you on read constantly...unless they need you for something.... Lord, help whoever gets with the narc next... They have no idea what they have gotten ahold of.
When I decided to take my power back it was game over I made it clear that he was going to respect me or I wouldn’t talk to him . What happened? He would get the silent treatment for 2-3 days at a time and more frequently until I walked away for good. Narcissists are 100% ego based false selves and don’t respect no one.
I really enjoyed this video Paula, Lots of examples you did resignated with me. I never really got devalued much and didn't get a harsh discard My discard was that"she didn't love me anymore" Never got I was at fault, she even said "I'd done nothing wrong. I think she expected me to chase her again,I did chase at the start of the relationship. I accepted her discard. I did get contacted a few times in the next week ,"asking to be friends"which I declined,I even then had her cancel a holiday to new york , I believe she was testing me again, as I'd had silent treatments and the occasional day of no contact in the past. I live 212 miles away so I think when I was with her, she was fine,but as soon as I got home she would change. She told me she was having tests for cancer and we went away for a small break to take her mind off this. The night before she had the tests done, she told me that she loved me , and I said she would be fine. After the tests were done a day later "she then told me she didn't love me anymore, I'd had enough of this ,accepted this told her I wasn't going to be used ,as narcassists "stay friends with xs. I had no closure I believe she was lieing about the cancer I believe she was actually going on holiday with a old new supply to Greece and I was getting to close to finding out,(not sure if this was true) I have not had any hoovers for over a year, but was told that her contacting after the discard and having had flying monkeys contacting me was my hoover, but this was very early on. My female narcassist is in her late 50s ,was a looker , I did send her an email telling her that I knew she was a narcassist ,I of course was called one myself. I accept I have some traits having a mother which is one. So I'm not sure what reason she did discard me ,I feel she had to go through with it,in the end to save face Perhaps she still wanted me around to triangulate me with her family or old/ new supply. I love these videos ,it's like you was in my situation, I hope I never receive a hoover nw as it's along time ago. If I did get devalued it was very subtle, I agree it was an illusion,well done Paula these are great for me, I get my closure from them.
@NarcCon well she down graded it to collitus,blamed collitus on men using her🤔,Nothing I had done to her, She did have breast cancer years before and had a breast removed,(she had a great big scar,she called it her shark bite)she told me it could of come back,I think it was a smoke screen to cover up her going away to Greece,as I wasn't happy ,as she said she was going away with her daughter,but I had other ideas🤣 She was incredibly vain, and had a breast implants on one of these ,she was in her late 50s,these must of cost 1000s, Still don't nw why she told me she had cancer/ collitus, then a few days later she discarded me ,without a blink of an eye, Not mentioning it again,even when she asked to be "friends" Thanks for your comment Paula, that could be an interesting video.
My ex-narcissist was an alcoholic in addition to being a narcissist. He knew that if I found out that he was drinking that I would leave. He hid his alcoholism until he couldn't hide it anymore. Then I discarded him which triggered a life-threatening rage.
This is often accompanied with the “managing down of expectations”, where the victim or target is gradually conditioned (groomed) to accept the narc’s bad behaviour and poor treatment of them every time they circle back and hoover back. The typical or more representative cycle of narcissistic abuse is more likely than not : 1) lovebomb (idealize), devalue, replace/ hoover discard…
Thank You So Very Much For Sharing This. I Needed To Hear This I Was Repeatedly Devalued And Discarded For Over 9 Years My Life Self Worrh Self Esteem Destroyed. I Was In Massive Denial For So Many Years. I Finally Found The Courage After GRIEVING For Days. I Finally Found The Courage To Walk Away Block Delete Disconnect From My Abuser The OVERT MALIGNANT Sadist NARCISSTIS. Im Free.Finally I Escaped.
Some times, they realize that you see through them, so they just get out of it.. read REFLECTIONS OF THE CURSE - journey of a woman's heart.. narcissism is the same - the people - personalities and circumstances are different..
Thank you for this content Paula. I have been trawling YT for a video on Love Bombing > Discard which excludes the middle Devaluation stage. This just happened to me. During the LB stage triangulation with his ex wife, femaile colleagues and female strangers happened. I recognised this as triangulation but did not rise to the bait except for the last time when I saw him and said, "I am not here for you to provoke a reaction from me so that you can self regulate your emotions". Good response. I was then ghosted and discarded 3 days later. Anyone reading this, sometimes the rubbish takes itself out! 🍀
A year and 4 months after God’s Discard. I have commented on the Narcissist physically assaulting my 17 year old daughter while I was out of town taking care of my elderly mother. Easter Weekend no less. He was pushed out the front door by my daughter as she called the police. The retired fireman Narcissist was then tasered for resisting the police. 11 years. I do see some slight Devaluations, bird’s eye view from the all the years. My therapist said he is a psychopath. He targeted me for my residual benefits. What I want to tell people is that they are cheating behind your backs. Mine devalued me that way. The lies came out. He lived with me and towed the line. His secret life was what gave him supply and relieved his boredom. I do see now his triangulation plans. He has moved on to abuse the new supply and got sentenced for a second DWI. God removed him from my life. Light over darkness. I see it all clearly.
Another great one, Paula! I now have PTSD from the narcissists in my life. It would be interesting to see how this relates to narcissistic abuse. I'm thinking it might occur a lot.
I have had no contact with my ex narc in over 12 years, but I still get flashbacks and ruminations like it was last week. I've been told these are symptoms of PTSD.
Reason 11: You were a means to an end from the beginning. And actor in their game. E.g, to triangulate a new supply with you or get their ex back. And there is no such thing as no devalutation. Faking in itself and lack of integrity is in itself a devaluation of your time and energy. In particular love bombing with an intend other than love consuming your time and crossing your boundaries. The rush they have to suck you in. All of this is devaluing and sick and sickening.
Oh yes their devaluation is there from hello, when they disrespect and disregard your wellbeing with their lies and deception. I'm convinced they know every relationship is doomed and that they are not able to love like most people. But the start of the really overt devaluation from my ex Malignant Covert came as soon as I told him I loved him. I got the silent treatment and then a public humiliation the next day, which he later made excuses for. They're sick and I believe are jealous of their victims' ability to feel love, at the same time they think we are idiots for feeling it. I certainly was with regard to him.
I was completely blindsided by a very brutal discard by my husband of 12 years. I'm still spinning to be honest. So traumatic. Looking back, he did start giving me the silent treatment and talking really disrespectful 2 months prior. Hes moved on with the secretary from his work.
Two days after the first Valentine’s party together and meeting her mother for the first time i refused a “give me a baby” request leading to a violent tantrum and stone walling! I had to walk away after blatant lies about betrayal with another man, every photo of us together deleted from all her social media and me unfriended and blocked just 72 hours after “I love you forever” being repeatedly said to me. I must admit her affection felt hollow though. More like a performance! Just incredible the childishness and lack of empathy from her i might have complied with her if she’d shown more adult skills and hadn’t on occasion been also physically abusive attacking me in my sleep with slapping and then a very hard kick.
very strange, weird people. So she gave me the utmost compliment she could give, and a few minutes later she denegrated me to the bone.. It took me 6 months to end the situationship, got a cop at my door sent by her, and months later she advertised herself on SM as a corps.. Very transformative, an intimate relationship with a narc..
Thank you for that video, it helped me understand what happened in my last relationship. Unfortunately, it wasn't my first narcissistic relationship and both of them didn't follow the same pattern. I didn't feel like I went through a devaluation stage and that I was dumped during the love-bombing stage. I think there were many factors why it happened how it happened. I can see now that my ex was subtly testing me. He tried a little triangulation with his daughter's mother and I refused to participate. He also tried gaslighting me using my anxiety once, and I called him out. I think he saw that my boundaries were too strong and he put me on the back burner, in case he wanted to come back. He broke up with me, but kept sending videos of songs we listened to together, or photos of his dog and him in bed late at night. I think he was breadcrumbing me to keep me hooked, just in case. Moreover, I think I got too investigative. Many things didn't add up about his career and his financial situations. I would ask questions and he would say "I don't like talking about it." I think the mask was starting to slip and he didn't want me to see the full picture. Finally, I had a really good relationship with his daughter. When we first met, he told me she was going to roast me, but we actually had really good chemistry and she always wanted to team up against him to tickle him. I don't think he expected that. She wanted me to brush her hair, and not him. She would ask him when I would come to the house because she wanted to play with me. I don't think he liked the attention his daughter was giving me. It sounds super silly, but he was getting jealous of the affection his dog was giving me. When we got home together, she would always run to me first and he would get upset. In bed, she would sleep by my side. He would sometimes grab her and bring her to his side. I felt like he should have been happy that I didn't want to cause any drama with his ex and that my relationships with his daughter and his dog were easy, but it seems like it's not what he wanted. Eye-opening video! Thanks!
You're not being "super silly" thinking he was jealous of his dog's affection for you. One thing I noticed about the ex Covert Narcissist was how outrageously jealous he was. This extended to his step daughter's pet rats. When one of them died, he said he wished the other one would quickly follow, and I wouldn't be surprised if he'd bumped one of them off. He sneered at his step daughter having buried it in a plant pot and planted flowers over it, the only ones in his desolate garden!
@@JH-td4mn It felt super silly to me, because personally, I would be heartbroken if my partner and my dog didn't get along. I guess narcissists don't care because everything has to be about them.
@@beatitcreep. It seems like they don't like people to get along, saying that his daughter would roast you, was probably rubbish as well. They are always trying to pit people against each other, another way of isolating you and making themselves look the best.
She just stopped seeing me after a fantastic week where we met more than ever. Her focus was on the intimiate side. Than phoned och texting as usual, word salat. She wouldnt answer anything about why. Then came denial, blameshifting, silenttreatment, gaslightning and triangulation. She's now with her ex as a result of a long-term plan, including started working in my small town (he lives between our cities), picked up me as I was in an divorce...so I was her supply under the a year when she could spy on him. Her obsession with her ex has afterwards been verified by her former workingpartners. The can perform long-term tactics to accieve their goals. Maybe a subjekt?
I can relate to nr.7 . She started to notice that i was not happy but i believe in communication and discussion. Suddenly she slipped off the mask and showed me who she really is in a very nasty way which led me to leave her
Although there are honest dealerships out there my buddy Andy worked for a crooked 1. To start out for the first 6 months he was on double probation meaning he was being watched closely and could be fired or just let go. At the end of 1 year, he went off regular probation and began work watching other employees get canned every day. He also began making less than his guarantee every week until he was fired the day before he was eligible for 3-weeks paid vacation and his demo.
If your self esteem is already really low you won’t notice the discard phase because you’ll believe their views. If you have self esteem you’ll see it immediately they’ll discard very fast because they can’t control you or your thoughts and opinions. If you’re not in love it’s easier. If you are in love Hell begins.
The Narc I was seeing also skipped the devaluation stage. When I said the relationship didn’t work out for me, he discarded me. I believe he had a new supply in the pipes already. I then BLOCKED 🚫 him to avoid the hoovering stage, which I’m sure he plans to execute when the new supply runs dry. God what awful creatures covert narcissist are 😷
Thinking back to my crazy relationship with the narcissist. I remember him calling me and saying when are you gonna be here? in a huff. I couldn’t believe he was so impatient. So I hurried up, took a shower and got over there as quick as I could only to find that he had gone out to do who knows what. I was so disappointed that was the beginning of the devaluation
Another thing to watch for is if they have literally hundreds of followers on a platform. That's unbelievable. Not normal in my opinion. I mean who has that many " friends".
Short explanation: I would break up with her everytime she went to far!! Then She found a new supply! And then left him, when she got back with me! I was the main supply
2 of my exes who were narcs told me I’m independent. I’ve never heard that from anyone else. But they stated this clearly a few times. I think it was their expression to describe me as someone difficult to manipulate. I simply didn’t obey them.
I left my ex for 2 months and was getting back to me.... he came back we spoke and agreed to start over, we said we would keep it quiet (from family) eithin a week he told his kids (no left skl) we was sorting things out. We dated for 2 months only seeing eachither for 1 day aweek. He treated me awful, comments on what i was wearing, my weight etc so i would pull him up on his behavior to him tellung me on the phone, you never told your family about us and you need to sort your self out. I feel that because i walked away he hoovered me back in so he could discard me but making sure i was down that he left me ?
Mini Devaluing usualy goes in tandem with when they are carrying on with someone over the lifetime of the relationship until the final disguard Then hell is unleashed
I'm all over the place working backward in your channel, and I often am guilty of bingeing the videos and sometimes jumping to the next in a series without remembering to hit the thumbs up. However, I continue to be so impressed by your unique voice in this community. Thank you for all of these efforts.
Depersonalize. Yes. How can one be responsible for anothers insanity? It becomes difficult when you don't perceive soon enough, or we decline to believe what we see. it. I left Mississippi a day to late.
thx for being with us. we got this! sentence jumbling mix positive with negative heading salad ck it out focusing on chosen ones whatever that is god and negative like evil hate oh yeah were see it. trick bs writings speech rev fed mic there pausing breaking melody story f add view slip ins interuptions if you ask thes yes no its a no yes ty❤😊
in my recent case,,after an 18 month relationship,with 2 lovely vacations and memories,it was because someone very sexual threw herself at him at a carol concert before christmas,in front of me,and i was treated as invisible and briefly introduced me to her as "friend",i was uncomfortablebut i couldn,t complain,or i would have been called jealous and controlling,and given a punishment discard,and bit my lip and put it out of my mind.......4 weeks ago i was discarded by text message with no closure....so i initiated no contact.....and last monday.....i saw with my own eyes in my small town,that they are together now...i got monkey branched...my healing is hard x
I had very close friendship with narcissist for 9 months. So many times I wanted to end it. He never let me. He ALWAYS showed so much care how he want to make up for bad things he did (being rude to me, betraying me etc). It was 9 months repeating cycle of him being nice > rude >nice > rude > nice > rude. I was too dumb for believing he really cares. HE FOOLED EVERYONE with how he cares about me. People even thought he is a simp (simping for me). So he always showed effort to talk, to be super nice and helpful after I got offended by what he did and I had enough of everything. But him being super nice and helpful, always softened my heart because of the enormous huge care he showed. And in the previous argument (the one before the ending one - during discard), he first time didnt even try to make things up or talk. It was me doing the first step. And then we continue friendship for like 2 weeks but then again another argument showed up. He disrespected me by not being a loyal friend. (He still keep talking with people who wronged me so badly. I told him thats very unempathetic and unloyal. He said that only best friend should do that - to not talk. But he had no problem asking from me stuff which only BEST FRIEND should do! When in past he wanted from me to help him fix his friendship with someone else. I also could have said at that time that thats something what only "best friend" would do.) He ofc says he is loyal and think he didnt do anything bad. I said: "I am not your friend anymore" and he was like "As you wish". THIS ANGERED ME SO MUCH!!!! Not only he disrespected me so badly by bringing up the person about which he knows pooped on my head, but also suddenly he is like "as you wish"! Where was his "as you wish" when I tried so many times to end this friendship in time when I was okay with ending it?!?!?! I am sorry for the way I write here but this really cut deeply and I can't get rid of bitternes even after 1 month. What confused me the most was that there wasn't any devaluation. He didnt say anything to put me down. He was just defending himself, saying that I dont understand him either. I said: "What is there to understand when your empathy is missing?" This felt so awful how he suddenly was totally indifferent. When he is in the wrong! I am the type of person who only react to how someone treat me. Friendship was amazing when he was nice. When he was rude it was horrible. ITs not like I want only sunny days, but he was putting me down when I was feeling happy. I just hate how he so many times during the 9 months always showed so much care nd suddenly dropping me off without any resistance as If I was having no value... when it was before him not letting me to end things. But suddenly when he couldnt profit from my presence anymore, it is: "as you wish". He didnt say any put downs. And in my other experiences, the narcissists always wanted to put me down, to humiliate me or mock me. So why he didnt say anything? Was it just to play the "indifferent" mask as how irrelevant I am to him? EDIT: Before he used to always contact me after argument, or after some time (hours, 1 day or 2 days) he started talk with me again. But in the last one argument before the discard, he didnt contact me. It was me reaching out. And after the discard, its been month. I know he wont reach out again. Its obvious and I feel it that he wont. Because of his pride and thinking he didnt do anything wrong and how indifferent he was towards me. So it doesnt make sense to me why there wasnt devaluation? Its not like he is planning to come back. My intuition is telling me this one wont reach out - because this one reminds me my other 2 narcs from past who also never reached to me again. With one of them I also had close friendship and it had the same pattern - from start it was them trying hard after every argument to make things up, to not let me end the friendship. And then near the end they stop trying and its slowly me who talk as first till they totally become indifferent. Like why they do this? Why helping me so much at start and during the close friendship which last months and then suddenly being totally with no care? Without devaluation? When they never reached out again? Not even after years?
Another thing is the narc I was around for 2 years had men offering her all these major transactions so 😂😂 I will say that all that was a full time bunch of men at the house .. and I was sort of investigator ... and It destroyed our relationship which I found was also a bullshit relationship bc every time a man asked her about me she said I don't know what we are doing . And then more and more men were coming through the gates .. no you may think I was dumb but a lot of good things happen in those early stages .. so , the rest is wtf. Everyone know how I mean .
I think this is very accurate and probably applies to a friendship too. I'm just having a hard time accepting she really didn't care for me and was a fake. Wish I could know what she is thinking about me. Maybe she's afraid of me cuz she does really like me which means I have the power to hurt her.
The narc sent me an old picture of me and her when she was love bombing me not looking my best that's when I was deep in the narcissist fog I didn't even recognise myself but I didn't think much of it at the time now I look back that was devulation then tried a discard but I didn't care about the discard lol
We work together, known each other for 10 plus years. She finally hooked me. After 5 months she got pregnant and discarded me almost immediately (once she got through the miscarriage week). No devaluation, just discarded. I, stupidly tried to fight for the baby. Ended in a smear campaign, tried to get me fired, and arrested for "stalking". It didn't stick, but still, no contact order was issued. Blessing really, but never met my child. It's been almost a year.
@NarcCon I definitely could. However, I don't want that woman dragging my child to court every time she feels like it. That is no way for a child to grow up. So confusing
I can't wait to be hoovered I'm dying to see what she's going to say. I haven't had any fun yet I was just getting to know her. She's not even good at her own game she gave herself away easily. I can beat her at her own game and save my ammo 4 later in case I need it😁
Yes one of the last text I saw was " I am not talking about the same shit" . Way back with her grade a male of 15 years I heard , " I don't know why he is here ".
Another lovely video i'm just wondering paula can you Speak on reverse discard? I was reversed discard horribly on my 70th birthday hoarably I was made to feel lower than a piece of dog dirt. It was absolutely horribhe knew if he made it so bad and he used the same tactic that was used on me years ago by a family member that hurt me so bad and I told him about it. Boy, have I learned? Never share anything with anyone? Also, it's been 4 months now since the break up of me. Having to break up, he was pretty happy about it. Just wondering why is he Still paying my Netflix bizarre, very bizarre. And has been with his new supply. 1 week after the breakup. So apparently he was working on that for months. And I knew they were friends and I kept telling them that he lied as the I do. Like why!?😂
I got cancer (due to all the stress and heartbreak) because he thinks I won't be around for too long or, more likely, that I will become a burden and he will have to take care of me.
That's what happened to me and I've had a hard time finding any videos relating to my situation. I fell in love with a woman that was in a relationship so she was just a friend. I went through a mini version of every stage almost. then I discovered the videos about narcissists. She discarded me after I told her I wouldn't want to be with her even if she was single cuz she's a terrible match for me. I think because she realized something shifted and she was unable to control my emotions but I miss her and think about her a lot even though we didn't spend that much time together. I want her to want me even though she would probably destroy me. Part of me wants to reach out to her and the other part wants to hurt her. I know she really liked me a lot do you think she will Hoover me?🏞💙🏞💙🏞💙
@@NarcCon yes the familiarity of my mother who was a narcissist and emotionally unavailable and made me feel unimportant. Wanting to love someone that can't be loved and pitying them but still wishing that they could care about you. I still am positive I have unfinished business with this girl Sheri I went through a profound experience over her and it couldn't have just been traumatic bonding. I didn't even get physical with her. It feels so strange that she's oblivious and I apparently can't share any of this with her cuz she seems incapable of discussing anything emotional. Maybe it's not even appropriate cuz shes still in a relationship but I doubt he will put up with her for long. I think she's draining the life out of him he's a really nice guy I hung out with him.
