Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher 

"The world without love is a deadly place." Good one!

Well, this brings me to question; Do you love your Mother or Father? If yes, what would one or both rejecting you, do to your brain. I've met a lot of people in my life who've had a parent reject, or be unable to love them, it messes them up for life on a fundamental level. I feel it worth mentioning this is happening at a higher rate of speed then in previous generations, especially as the number of single mothers and fathers increase. If some random stranger you barely know has that much of an impact on your brain, what kind of damage have we been doing to our kids for years?

"overestimating the differences between one woman and another" priceless

Well - as a man, I found a lot of common ground in what was being said here. Having been connected to someone (and married) for over 17 years before being widowed, there is a great deal of truth in what Helen spoke about. Not sure I agree totally with everything, but in essence plenty to get your head around and teeth into. Thanks for getting me thinking. We all need to stretch ourselves - where's the fun in just blindly walking through life without a challenge?

This lecture it is warning to all of us, go to the gym, go dancing dont take anti-depressants if you are chronically sad.

This talk made me stop taking antidepressants after being on them for 10 years. I don't feel worse at all...

Speaking as a social science student, it is quite an interesting talk by Helen, as she proposed (more than) several intriguing facts about the science of love and relationships. Nonetheless, morals and wider sociological issues surrounding the notion of "love" that influence how we perceive love should also be taken into account, beyond those facts and figures and hormones.

I absolutely loved this talk, separated 3 years from a long controlling marriage. I feel stronger & more in touch with myself I'm 42 & feel like I'm living! I have been in love with two men, I believe nobody can can be everything for one person, one was a mirror image of me personality, the other the complete opposite & both filled a hole in different ways. People have so much to learn from each other & it's more the care you feel for someone, also the impact they have on you. In a monogamous relationship, there are rules and insecurity we miss out on many relationships (not sexual) for fear of hurting the other & how it may come across. I'm happy not committing & experiencing many types of love 💕

I wanna hear Helen Fisher and Ester Perel together. That would be a very informative talk.

Men and women whoever you are, find out your strengths and weaknesses, follow your strengths and work around your weaknesses. Don't let the media, your neighbour, your peeps or your family decide what is good for you. Decide it yourself and you will have a happy, successful, life. Know that there is hard work in front of you, and just sitting and thinking that you will be happy will not make you happy at the end of the day.

We are not to "fall in love"..we are "to love".

Helen Fisher is spot on at 20:35 about 'Why it is that you fall in love with one person rather than another'. I fell very deeply in love with a prof the first time I saw her as a student. - I was new in town, it was the first day at university and everything was very exciting to me (high dopamin level) - I didn't knew her before (mystery)(high dopamin level) - She matched traits of my childhood (similar looks) - I was sitting randomly very near to her, we had direct eye contact (proximity)

This video is from 2007 (uploaded)...wow 12 years ago?! I'm amazed how far TED has come... I appreciate all the speakers' time & sharing their stories 💛💜💜

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm a mom who is trying to get back on the market. I feel so much energy and passion inside for creativity and working around people, making a difference. It's time to get this energy out! ❤️ ✊

She's one of my favourite speakers and academics - very thoughtful presentation. Highly recommend.

A very interesting presentation and I appreciate the comparison of trending gender relationships to those on the african plains. My favorite quote ~the 18 minute mark "the happiness we find is the happiness we make" Wise words.

Very interesting talk. Knowing that people have three drives (which can be driven toward 1 person or even 3) explains many relationships of couples I personally know.

Oh man, where do this myth about men not being able to talk come from? I knew men in my life that could talk, for hours, they talked and talked until your hair turned gray and you wish you were dead to just stop hearing them

Wow, she's brilliant. One of the best talks I've heard on Ted's

Was already halfway when I realized the title is misleading!

what a very interesting and thought provoking video. Love is what should make the world go around, not war, religion or money. If we made more love and less war we would all be a lot happier. Thank you helen.

Dr. Fisher, thanks for bringing us closer to understanding the painful and exhilarating condition of love even though we are helpless to really do anything about its often cruel hold on us.

Really interesting. Feminism has contributed so much to the world, but especially in psychotherapy over the last few decades in regards to helping overcome the prejudicial language and structure of traditional therapy, the limitations of the DSMV diagnoses and elegibility criteria which pathologized responses that were different to those of the dominant white, male, hetero group they were normed on, and now Helen fisher's reflections on gender differences in love and sexual expression reminding us of the need to maintain that progress of taking a pluralistic approach to therapy, one of being being senstive to how gender and other aspects of our multicultural identities influence us to each experience things differently as opposed to the 'one-size-fits-all' approach that was used in traditional models prior to the influence of feminist therapy.

Facinating, inciteful and well worth half an hour to listen to and ponder over.

I don't understand why there's so much hate in the comments section here... there was nothing that she said against men or women or anything bad or claimed something illogical as a fact... she just shared her research and it was very interesting and knowledgeable.

Interesting topic.Many good points. I was troubled, however, by a few statements . It is not a given that libido will suffer for one who is taking SSRI medication. It does happen, but not to everyone. When it does there are ways to offset the effect for many people. The recommendation for ongoing use of SSRI medication is for those who've had 3 or more major depressions (clinical depression) in their lifetimes. It is also not true that people on SSRI's are dulled or don't feel joy and excitement (dopamine rush). When SSRI's leave a person emotionally dull, it usually means that either it's the wrong drug or the wrong dosage. SSRI's are not helpful for everyone. When they are, people often say they feel 'normal' or 'like myself" sometimes for the first time in years. Please don't disparage medication that you're not fullly knowledgeable about it.

i loved the talk totally, it explained a lot of phenomena.

Wake up people...Love is not an emotion...love is purely an action...a choice...a behavior...in other words..a verb!

Why we love and cheat. because love is an addiction, a high like a drug. When that fades we chase a new love thrill. Simple.

2019 anyone?

Brilliant. You may not agree with all her points, but she is a bright and compelling thinker and speaker.

Thank You Helen!

Great insight! So scary how antidepressants are being misused and how it is affecting our ability to bond!

Really really interesting!! TY!! Danny

I am so glad I came across this video,I understand much better now . Love is dreadful and delightful think .

Begins slow, but fascinating discussion!

men are one foot are women are the other to move ahead. that's the perfect way to put it, instead of trying to "compete" against the other gender and initiate useless bickering, work together and understand the different strengths each gender possesses. Like she said, men and women are wired differently and it's the collaboration of new ideas from the many styles of thinking that moves humanity forward. Great talks Helen.

I don't see her discrediting the use of antidepressants for those who need them to make it through ""something they're going through, perfectly horrible; they want to kill somebody, commit suicide"" (18:47). What she says is she is worried about the effects of taking them long-term and become dependent on them.

Good for you! I'm happy that you feel better now.

I realized alone a lot of her points but in my chase love was never equal, women were interested in me but never that much in love. I was motivated, able to do whatever was necessary, ready to sacrifice my well being for someone that i deemed to be more important, she knew that and took advantage. Now I'm 26 and wander why do I deserve this, i guess i have my type and it's the kind of woman who is killing my soul.

I'm really stunned by the anti-feminist, almost misogynistic attitudes that were expressed in this comment thread. Patriarchy is apparently very much alive. This lecture is full of fascinating insights regarding interpersonal relationships.

It is amazing that Helen Fisher has taken to follow the theories of Imablicus and Cornelious Agrippa because it was them which establish such of theory but she Helen Fisher has prooven that the philosophers from the paripateric school were right at least about the location of the brain that is activated when love is being manifested; and that is in the center top middle brain or the pineal gland area. I know because I have read about the antiques philosophers.

Good Job Helen.... Bravo

Good to hear about it

@13:45 - I've been saying this for years! Thank you! When someone suggests that men are more adulterous than women, I ask them if they think men are having their affairs with other men. Probably not very often, meaning women are just as willing to engage in affairs as men. At the very least, if they are not married, they are certainly not honoring the social construct of the marriage by having an affair with a married partner.

This is a wonderful talk!! I was expecting some kinda "bashing" of character or gender; like an automatic thought would tell me "why that person cheated" but this was amazing! My three systems are active in current relationship.

i agree completely. oppression is wired in our natures, we can make small changes but they will come back in some form. that sounds depressing but only in understanding weaknesses can we make room for real change.

I don't get why so many people say the talk has nothing to do with the title. She clearly explains where "love" comes from (the 3 brain systems, the evolutive process and reasons involving these systems are pretty much the reasons why we love) and why people are sometimes prone to cheat on their partners (if a person triggers the hormones associated with, say, two of your systems but not the other one, another person may). Of course, this is from the perspective of evolution/chemicals in your body. Social implications and moral codes are different, and she didn't approach them. I think the only reason why I would find the title misleading is because it's not specific enough.

“Forbid us something, and that thing we desire” Chaucer said that over 600 years ago. He also said, "Love is blind".

She said romantic love makes you hold someone higher than everyone else... and then she said you can feel romantic love for two people at once equally? Could someone explain this to me?

So much truth. Excellent 👍 👍 presentation 👍 👍

Great presentation💎

The only reason I'm here is for a school assignment and all I have to say is I can't believe I actually had to waste time I can never get back in life listening to this.

I take that to heart: A world without love is a deadly place. Hell!!!! Helen couldn't've said it better

A world without love is a deadly place 👏🏽❤️

Thank you. Very informative. Recently have started considering if the word " love " was no longer used. What could be used as a replacement in our vocabulary. "Care"...To care for another.

"the world without love is a deadly place" - so beautiful...

"Why him why her ?" was rather enlighting. Not groundbreaking, but innovative in what it combined. So thats the person who wrote it.

Assistindo hoje e refletindo sobre...

Compatability of personality type is an interesting and thought provoking area of study. One theoretical system of personality, the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory, is food for thought. Not validated though which is one problem with that theory of personality.Nonetheless, in trying to understand WHY my own personal relationship of 38yrs with my partner has been so emotionally, intellectually, physically, etc. satisfying for both of us and successful , I have determined he and I are the same type in that system. We share so many general personality tendencies like introversion, a love of study, books, learning, we are both highly intuitive etc etc Baseline is that we "get" each other :how the other person thinks, feels, perceives, etc. We also share core values and have some, but not total ,overlap of areas of interest, which makes for a nice play of interests and things we can and have taught each other over a very long relationship---He has a BS in psychology and his other degrees are in subjects I know little about...my research and reading is mostly in my own field as well as history and literature, while he is interested in a much wider range of topics, thus we complement each other well. Emotionally too. We both use analytical thinking, rather than emotion, to make decisions. Yet we ARE emotional about each other. Good luck with your current work..I look forward to reading and hearing about it...a Ph.D- academic psychologist

The fact that this video id 16 yrs old.

As was said multuple times by Esther Perel. When consequences for cheating are the same for women as they are for men, we will know more about women cheating.

beautiful talk

MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) to find the "Love-Drive", wow, I'm impressed!

It's a combination of both. Love compensates for incompatibility as she said.

I am literally one of those guys who are sleeping with their girlfriend's moms. I honestly don't know how it got to this, but I honestly fear that I can't stop.

Great presentation!

thanks madam for enlightening

She makes her point at 17:20 - there can be different agendas in various relationships now.

Amazing talk

this just blew my mind!

Well said, and I agree.

I really hate the TED intro. Increasingly loud, long, and annoying.

She doesn't say women are superior; she says women are better at certain things.

great conference

Amazing!!

extremely enjoyed this....

Came here to read comments 😁

WOW! the best part was at the very end regarding antidepressants and their affects on other parts of the brain.

Understanding history is crucial to understand what is going on today

I was so hooked on her talking about romantic love and enjoyed that part, then the men and women separation part I was dissconnected

We're really moving forward into the past 🗝️

Spot on about 'cosmic union'! (Thought I was the only one who 'got' ie literally and figuratively this

Hats off..

this explains my love... correctly amazing...

So really, when it comes to love, most people, if not all, are obsessive compulsive.

I love it! My dopamine is spiking for this talk

She is incredibly smart, nice

Anti depressants are horrible 😫😫 what she says is very true

This woman knows as much about men as I do about childbirth

wow counselor Helen!

Very difficult subject to talk about scientifically, I like the part that deals with verbal ability and what follows that, she become more comfortable. and easier to watch.

The title does not correctly represent this video there is nothing on why we lo e or cheat

This woman just described half my life's story

14 years ago!

I like a lot this video ..it take us deep on the love experience in human beings ...and recall to all of us the right place of woman in sociaty ..... Congrats !!

I really like this It is very good to hear It's snowing on Mt. Fuji

"Divorce rates are going to decrease" This aged well

Thans it was a great food for though talk.

We are really moving forward to the past.