This Is Why Happy People STILL CHEAT In A Relationship... | Esther Perel & Matthew Hussey 

Hmmm, I was cheated on. Was in a 14 yr relationship. I understand her ideas but the truth of it for me was that even if I forgive, I would never forget. And once trust is broken the relationship is too. I couldn’t continue in a relationship that contained a partner who lied, cheated and disrespected me and our relationship. I valued myself too much to stay with a person like that, and my self worth and self esteem was too valuable to waste on someone who didn’t deserve it.

Cheating is not just about sex, it takes a lot of irresponsiblity and ignorance to cheat. Like putting your partner at a risk of an STD, completely disregarding their feelings and emotions, lying, putting yourself first, not thinking about the consequences. Of course you lose respect for the whole person. Saying "it's just sex" sounds like a coping mechanism for someone who is too afraid to leave.

I think it takes a massive amount of strength to stay in a relationship after cheating is involved. I couldn't do it. Tried for a year of marriage counselling but the more i stayed the less respect i had for myself. I felt responsible for breaking up my family even though i wasn't the one who cheated. What eventually made me leave was my own daughter saying why are you so unhappy now mummy. Broke my heart. Thankfully 5 yrs on and me and my girls are very happy. We have a close bond and life is good 🥰

Being cheated on broke my spirit and made me forget who I was.

To me it's pretty simple. I'm not going to reward disloyalty...with loyalty.

"You wanted a woman who fights for you? You got her." That part gave me chills! The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. If the person is angry, that could potentially mean they still care... a lot. What you do with that anger is what matters. Awesome video!

"When you are attracted by the gaze of a person [other than your partner], it doesn't mean you want to leave the person you're with, it is because you want to leave the person you yourself have become." - Esther Perel

As a fellow psychologist, l would say we need to have a nuanced view on this. It depends on who you are, your standards and dealbreakers. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. The person l once knew is no longer there. I could never continue.

When she says its unfair to the relationship to end it after everything you have been through, I remembered that it was exactly what i thought when my ex cheated. I felt that she had made the decision for me to end it. Like i had no choice. She ended the relationship with her action i just said the words. I felt a disgust so horrible, its the worst thing i have ever gone through.

If a woman cheated on me, it is over. I don't care for her reason. I might forgive her, but I am moving on. I would expect her to do the same if I cheated. I don't care how much I want her to stick around, I don't care how much I love her or how much she loves me. A person should have their principles, their values, their pride, and one should not expect that person to overlook this enormous transgression. I have had a friend who was like a brother to me. I went to his mother's funeral. I would do anything for the dude. But he took advantage of me. He was a pathological liar. He ended up being shady and could not be trusted. I had to let him go. I loved the guy, he was like family, and nothing will erase the good times, but the bond was broken. The same goes for cheaters. I don't care for your reason. Whether it is because you want attention, because you seek satisfaction elsewhere, or because you had a lapse in judgment or willpower. Bottom line, cheating 99% of time is due to poor communication and putting your own needs above your partners. If you need something that you aren't getting within the relationship and you can't let it go, then you need to break it off.

As a guy that has been cheated on I can say Esther Perel has provided some amazing insight. I still think it's much more simpler then how people define it. Really when someone is open to make a connection to someone else, for whatever reason they expose themselves to the possibility of cheating. Cheating can be a flirt, emoji, a hug etc. Ultimately the person that's open to a connection has to make a choice to stop themselves from anything going further in whatever manner would cause you to progress in physical and emotional state. It's not the person being betrayed that is lacking anything EVER. Treating people and yourself with respect by walking away or at least say hey lets go to counseling. That would be the honorable thing to do.

Happy people don’t cheat. Unhappy people pretending to be happy, cheat.

To everyone here who (I feel) is putting out some quite black and white statements, I think it's smart to take into consideration the kinds of relationships she's talking about. I don't think she's referring to new relationships in which one of the partners has been pretty much cheating from the get go or where there is not a very serious foundation yet. I'm under the impression that she is rather talking about relationships of years, marriages that have withstood many a test, in her own words 'entire lives' built up together. I understand that in those situations, simply walking away as soon as someone has cheated might not be as straightforward and could even be somewhat premature. Relationships are rarely as simple as a black and white statement.

I did exactly what she is saying about not ending the relationship bcz of all the other good part of my marriage. 5 years later my ex was just waiting to leave, mean while he planned the divorce for those 5 years. He almost left me in the street and he got engaged to the woman he was having 5 years b4. My daughter was only 8 month old when I found out he was sleeping with a friend. In 2015 I finally had enough and today I am still dealing with the divorce. A friend once said, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. A man can become a monster once they meet another woman.

Infidelity comes from lack of respect and not lack of love

One of the biggest lessons I learned recently about relationships is that an outside relationship is as good as the one we have with ourselves.

Loyalty all the way. It's about respect for the other half. Respect, love, communication. If you are in a relationship where loyalty is key, cheating will destroy that relationship. I would never trust my partner ever again if he cheated - as simple as that. Therefore communication is important - talk to each other, get to know each others values in life, your goals, your thoughts on relationships, your hopes in the future. What do you want? Do you want a monogamous relationship? Open relationship? Something else? Find someone who wants what you want; someone with similar goals and values. And keep communicating ALL THE TIME, and TRY to make yourselves better ALL THE TIME. Keep the passion going, try to make things exciting and fun. Never stop doing that! AND the most important thing, stick to your values and promises. If you say you're against cheating, don't cheat. We're only human, but at least respect your other half. Leave if you want something else in life. Spare your partner the pain.

In my opinion, infidelity is one of the worst things you can do to someone you supposedly 'love'. That being said, I found this quite insightful. I think it's an excellent mindset to have if you are struggling with overcoming infidelity and would like to continue the relationship.

Oh man, I cried! My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, but I decided to give him a second chance because I didn't want that stupid thing ruined what we'd created before. It hurts to grow, it's true, and his cheating still hurts. Sometimes I remember all that and I start crying, I know he is kinda tired about seeing me crying, but well, those tears are his fault, and he knows. After the cheating, I changed. Now I'm more anxious and insecure. I was very happy, I felt beautiful and powerful. It's impressive how a single action made by someone you really love and trust on can change your hole life and the perception you have about it

While I agree that you stay and work through the challenges in a relationship with depth, intimacy is one thing that is supposed to be sacred with a partner, and there must be strict boundaries. Cheating is a deal breaker, no exceptions.

People in the comments are PERFECTLY proving her point when she said staying is the new shaming.

I am in a very happy relationship for 6 years and I agree with her. I have never cheated on my partner but thought of it did cross my mind when i had a work crush. We will always be attracted to another person no matter how much we love our partner. That is why cheating is a choice. We can think about it, its reality, but we should never do it and to put an effort to avoid being close to the person you are attracted to. Being in a happy relationship does makes you think twice about cheating compared to being in an unhappy one. **Had to edit because we change after 3 years bu the comments keep coming 😂

Cheaters cost u ur mental health and no person nor relationship is worth ur mental health.

Once trust is broken, that’s it over.

I was a stander for 5.5 years after the heartbreak of infidelity hit my marriage (anniversary of it today, in fact!). My marriage did not reconcile, but I learned a lot about myself during that time and how strong I truly am, and how much I valued my relationship and my partner. Having said that, I would never encourage anyone to do what I did. That's the biggest thing I learned - that no one person is so important that they should have a pass to blow up your life in every way possible, which is what infidelity does. Grace, forgiveness, understanding - all things you can still have, while at the same time recovering and going on with your life. We justify it and normalize it (thank you to the commenter who used that word - perfect!) because we are afraid of change. It's easier to keep the devil we know than to risk getting back out there and risking love again or live life alone. But once you get to the heart of why you drew this person into your life (for me, I think we just grew up broken in the same ways), you can do the work that will prepare you for higher purpose relationships. It is much better to be at that place, and now I am grateful he is gone. Love Esther Perel, she really is a great speaker, but I just can't buy encouraging strong people to stay in broken places and be fixers forever. Better energy spent to fix the world!

Like Ester said, is important to understand, when you choose to be in a relationship with a person, there are still chances they will do stupid things. And it is up to everyone involved in the relationship (mono, poly) to decide if they want to work on it or mark it the end. Also, keep in mind someone you met in the future might have cheated on their past partner and you'll have to decide if they've become better or not worthy of giving the chance.

I know a couple in my church that are absolutely in love with each other. They have been married over 30+ years. They are like young teens in love with each other. One day I learned that they went through an affair and it rocked they marriage. But, from the lips of the person that was betrayed “My marriage is stronger, better than ever. Relationships, marriage can be better after the storm of an affair”. This is from the person that was betrayed. She’s not saying cheat. She’s saying that a relationship can be renewed and better but it takes work on the part of the cheater and forgiveness from the betrayed. She thanks God for that.

Cheated on me? There’s the door, baby. You broke my trust, you destroyed my feelings and no matter how much we have accomplished together, my self love will speak louder and who can guarantee you won’t do this again. No hon, not with me.

I love watching your videos Matthew! but I was in a relationship a couple months ago with a girl who cheated on me with her ex. It was hard, but crazy enough I eventually forgave her, until a couple months later when she cheated on me again. That's when I knew she truly didn't love me. I believe if you truly love someone, you have no desire to be with anyone else, and if you do get those sexual urges or thoughts for another person you just push those thoughts out, and avoid being in situations where the temptation to cheat is very high. Both my grandparents have been married for over 50 years and have stayed loyal. If they can be loyal for that long I know I can and I'm only going to look for someone who can do the same.

Esther is incredible. She's fierce in standing behind a rarely spoken perspective. As all advices is doesn't work in all circumstances but it's not a position to be ignored. I'm always in awe listening to this woman! I was ecstatic to see her on your channel!!!

She’s brilliant and brings forward the complexities of humans and their relationships.

"The happy people dont cheat, not necessarily" is interesting. Pretty much every person I know personally whose cheated is pretty unhappy, indenial, and miserable. And every couple I know whose experienced cheating to the extent of affairs and who stayed together still have a lot of hurt and dysfunction decades after it happened. Cheating is traumatic, emotional abuse, and cuts very deep. If you feel like cheating, please just exit the relationship and/or communicate what you want. If you've ever been cheated on please think about yourself and take care of your needs and wants first. Heal as quick as you can and believe in yourself because it's not worth your light being dimmed.

Sorry, but its not okay to cheat that's just my view because I'm not normalizing it. It's painful, disrespectful, and has long term consequence.

I think this video is more for married people that acaually lived the whole life together and not for other people

I love her, she dont mess about. Straight talk is sooooo needed in this day and age for relationships. Strength and courage is what couples need to stay together ♥️♥️

This is how the cheater stays happy...not the one getting cheated on

lived on an air force base married and got plenty of offers. all of my girlfriends were married and cheating. i never cheated on my husband, i genuinely loved him and he loved me too. when you really love someone you KNOW that cheating would change the relationship for ever. YOU would always know about the lie, the secret betrayal.

To me, this is simply a discussion that is way overdue. An act so vilified, yet so actively participated in, it's finally time someone REALLY talked about the roots of infidelity rather than passing it off as an act of hedonism. Great interview.

Basically when the good outweighs the bad then the relationship is worth fighting for.

I normally find the comments section on youtube videos quite depressing but the fact that most people here agree that cheating - whatever the reason - is not acceptable does restore some of my faith in humanity. I don't think anyone would dispute there are multiple reasons for cheating but nobody's come up with a good one.

I usually like Matthew's videos but it is not ok to cheat period. I just got cheated on and found out after we broke up that she cheated on her ex husband a few years before we met. I wouldn't have gotten in a relationship if I knew she cheated before cause when a person cheats it is usually out of selfish tendencies and when someone is selfish it doesn't lead to long, healthy relationships. The time we had together was great but she was definitely wearing a mask a whole time and what I saw after we broke up was her true self.

Forgiving infidelity is of a tall order because the psychic effect of infidelity is tremendous... Infidelity creates a domino effect by touching on betrayal, loyalty, honorability and above all TRUST that you have my back, that I am SAFE with you. Without feeling safe, we are unable to create and expand, bringing us to paralysis or neurosis. It is only when we accept that we all are capable of committing the same acts perpetrated by others, that within us exists not only "beauty" but the "beast" as well. And accepting the "beast" within you, brings you to the realization that the biggest shadow is the one you cast yourself... Only through compassion (to feel with) for ourselves and other it is possible.

Every situation is unique and every person should analyze for themselves what they should do in their relationship. There is so much help for the person that was cheated on, and so little for the cheater. Cheating is never okay, but if you cheated, and you are genuinely sorry, start by forgiving yourself and know that you will undergo a grieving, and renewal process. That is the hardest part. But you need to find healing. I recommend visiting a good psychologist. It’s important to understand what went wrong and try to never do it again. You need to solve that in order to be able to move on with your life. Rely on your friends and loved ones for support. I hope you are all able to find the peace, happiness and hope you desperately need. Praying for all of the broken hearts out there. God bless~

I've recently been watching a TON from Esther in a hope to better understand my relationship and find ways for my husband and myself to better communicate. She's amazing.

No. My guy only gets to show me his love only once. Mess it up and you are gone. No second chances for cheaters.

You’re both my intellectual crush! I love where do we begin and how to get the guy, and am studying psychology now because of both of you! Love this talk so much, thank you!

I agree with her. Is good for me that someone who is professional can explain this issue so good.

Cheating is an end of the relationship, even if the cheater is forgiven the feeling will never be the same as before. if we break a bottle even if we glue the pieces its not like before .

I believe people, especially in marriages, should set a precedent of saying I Iove you at least once a day (genuinely). People NEED to hear this. Even if it means swallowing our pride, it CAN be done. And we should place more value & respect on the people around us (including movies), on our spouse, & on ourselves. Love and Trust go hand in hand : )

To me she’s proposing that couples find an intellectual way of denying the relationship doesn’t work. When someone says it’s easier to leave, I cringe. It’s not easy to leave because you have built so much. You build a family, a life. I’m not saying it’s easy to stay but it is easier when you’re in any situation to maintain it than to start from nothing and build something new. I’m not minimizing what people face in either case, whether they stay or leave. But it’s not true that those who stay are shamed because they stayed. That’s BS. Marriage is still seen as the gold standard in our society, the status quo. Not being single. I’ve been single for 10 years after being married for 17. He cheated and I stayed, forgave. Worked on the relationship for the next 7 years. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Yet because of my single status I’m still being looked at, by both men and women, like there’s something wrong with me. Society as a whole, around the world, still holds married people in high regards. That’s why people stay in wrong, shattered relationships. And they cheat because they know they can get away with it, stay in the marriage and society will praise them for it. They cheat because they can. And that is wrong. No matter how eloquently spoken the excuses are.

You two are changing my mindset about relationships. ❤️❤️❤️

Shamed for staying. I really loved the question, why is a woman forced to grow after the man fucks up the relationship.

Outstanding woman. Fell in love with her mind and her words since her TED talk about infidelity. It is one of the most difficult things to be able to view such delicate subjects with a neutral angle. Yet she manages to do it perfectly and with SUCH grace! Thank you so much for inviting her, Matthew. Really enjoyed the conversation.

She is not only lovely to listen to but what she says makes you really stop to think on it. I can't get enough of her podcast and this topic NEEDS to be discussed more. Thank you for sharing it with us, Matthew.

My favorite quote and line of advice is the attitude you bring when stepping into a relationship. "ONE MUST HAVE THE 'I WANT TO' ATTITUDE, NOT THE 'I HAVE TO' ATTITUDE. tDe

Happy people DON'T cheat. Cheating is not just about dishonoring your mate/relationship. It's also you dishonoring yourself. Cheating is nothing more than a person punishing YOU b/c THEY don't have the guts to leave you. Run far away from narcissistic thinking men who try convincing you that betrayal is the only solution to relationship problems. That's the most small minded philosophy anyone can have. People who dishonor themselves are NOT happy people. And if a person has a good relationship, but is unhappy with themselves, it's only a matter of time before the unhappiness within the person sabotages their good mate/relationship. Recognize how major of a red flag it is when someone who says they're unhappy also says their relationship with you is happy. A person's internal unhappiness will eventually always bleed into other parts of their lives; it's just that relationships tend to be the 1st stop for that unhappiness to visit

Thank you Matthew for these collabs and all the amazing free content you give us

I really admire this woman and her attitude on relationships. I agree with her in many things..Have listened her in many shows, she intrigues me. Still I don´t think I could ever and didn´t even want to forgive cheating!

I feel as I’ve gotten older/more experience in/with relationships, I understand completely her point of view.

*Selfish* people cheat. People with integrity don’t sneak around when they’re supposedly in an exclusive relationship. Just because you feel an attraction doesn’t mean that you *act* upon it. Cheating is a *choice.*

I really love when people are so confident in their hypothetical moral compass that they can't empathize with situations that are not black and white. She's not saying that infidelity should be forgiven or forgotten, in fact she's arguing the opposite, that it is something that will shape the rest fo the relationship. But she's also right in that the lifetime of shared experiences can't be nullified by the act fo cheating. If leaving the person is so easy like you just slap your hands and walk out, then was the relationship really worthwhile to begin with, and is the termination of your relationship really just contingent on a contract of monogamy? Regardless, here she is talking about relationships that can and potentially should be salvaged from the aftermath of such an incident, and in every relationship the terms and conditions are different. Like, do you have children together, do you share finances, do you have so much life together that it is impractical to capsize everything, do you still very much love one another? Like who the fuck knows but the two people involved in the actual situation. To think that you can essentialize the rules of relationships as moral absolutes of, oh if they cheat you are out or you're not in your right mind, lacks nuance and thought, and is frankly just unnecessarily self righteous. If you were faced with that situation, wouldn't you feel better if the world didn't look upon your choices, whether that be to separate or stay together, with so much judgment?

I was in a relationship for an year & half..from past 3 months..he's avoiding me..started to lie..hide things..I changed so much for him..whenever I had to choose between him & anything else..I always chose him...but now he chose those friends who came 2 months back into his life..over me...I have always supported him ..stayed with him in all good & bad times..but he left me only..for them..I love him so much ..idk he tells no I still love u..I'm not cheating...or I haven't changed..but he's not the same like he once used to be..he's good only when we get close or smthin...other times he wants his friends..most of them are "girls"..nobody looks good..but he still enjoys..when he's between so many girls...he never spoke to girls coz he was fat & ugly..he transformed to propose me & get into relationship..I loved that fat ugly guy..whose feelings were true...not this hunk..who now wants to play around..I miss him ..I miss our true love...I miss myself..I'm really broken ..very badly..idk what was my fault in all this..y did he do this..I just don't know.💔

She is the most honest and real relationship expert and therapist out there.

so true good content! luckily this didn't happen to me as he's amazed by my stamina in bed. i'm just used to using 5 drops of natural sex drops spanish fly and he isn't even thinking of some other girls. simple trick uh? and these aphrodisiacs are really easy to use and available everywhere online

That is flat out b/s. Yes, I will “throw away” a relationship - no matter HOW well it went before he cheated on me. It’s not fair to throw it away? Well, guess what! It’s not fair to cheat on me either! If someone cheats on the other one then there is clearly something wrong in the relationship in the first place. She said “maybe the other one tried to say something for a long time” - well he/she shouldn’t have tried but actually should have said clearly what’s bothering them. Once someone cheats on me, I will NEVER be able to trust that person again and I’ll NEVER stay in a relationship in which I can’t trust my partner for 100 %. I might be able to forgive but I’ll never forget. You seek something outside our relationship - fine with me, but then there’s no relationship with me anymore. Period!

I have watched her TED Talk and I love her way of thinking about infidelity. Some of what she says in her talk, has stuck with me.

She is indeed the smartets woman in the earth talking about relationships, love Esther Perrel, such a fascinating woman ❤❤❤

♦️ I feel that if someone gets cheated on (ONCE), the "cheater" should be the one on his/her knees doing everything in their power to make up for their wrongdoing. The CHEATER should be the one regaining that Trust. I don't think the one that was cheated on should be the one to go out of their way to mend the relationship. Good luck on regaining that trust that you broke because trust is crucial in maintaining a relationship. Only a coward or incompetent person doesn't sit down and communicate if they feel their relationship is spiraling. NO ONE IS A MIND READER. Also, if it was about TEMPTATION, get yourself out of that situation and FLEE!!!♦️ 💙(James 4:7) "... resist the devil and he will flee from you..."💙

I know what you mean about the intellectual crush ,what a mind she has! It must have been a great honour for you to have a conversation with Esther, you lucky man, and I love how blunt she is "you wanted attention, ..you got it" haha! I was kind of sceptical of her perspective on cheating at first, but I really think she has a point. It's easy to say "If they cheat, i'm out" but sometimes the situation is more complicated than that. Furthermore,I love how she takes a different approach to cheating. Rather than a typical (understandably) explosive reaction, it's thoughtful and more of a "The damage has been done, but look at all the good things we have." In a way it could be compared to owning a dilapidated building... yeah there might be a few rooms that need fixing , but does that really mean you should sell up? Would you actually profit from doing so, or if you took the time to fix the rooms would you be in possession of something more beautiful than you imagined? It's definitely a case-by-case situation, but incredibly interesting. Thank you ,Matthew, for sharing.

Fantastic Fantastic Fantastic interview clip. Unless you've ever dealt with infidelity, you don't understand. Esther has in my humble opinion the most honest and straight forward outlook on marriage, preservation and survival. Thank you Matthew Hussey for sharing this.

wow....these two are a gift sent from heaven...thank you so much

This has helped me, thank you. I was cheated on, forgave and continued to build a life with my husband. I love him very much and the 90 percent of great was too good to throw away for a month of cheating. She was lacking something in her marriage too and found it in my husband. I feel bad for her now. You do get through it, but it is hard to forget. Took awhile to look at myself as "less than" and sometimes I struggle with being okay that my trust will never be whole. As humans we are all flawed, so my expectations have been lowered. Still rebuilding my confidence... that is also a struggle. I get flashbacks of finding them together. Probably need couple's therapy... but I know therapists personally and thier character makes me nervous to go to counseling. This video is older than the infidelity, but I struggle with self-worth after finding them together and sometimes look up videos on how to forgive. Don't judge to harshly... I say naively to a harsh internet community. 😊

I've been cheated on a few times in my younger years.. I forgave as I didn't want to end the relationship, however, I started being unfaithful to them. Its just not worth it for me. Now that I'm older and I've learned those lessons the hard way, if someone cheats, I'm out. I have better things to do than wonder if they are cheating every time we are apart. I'd much rather be alone than stay with someone who made the decision to cheat no matter the reason. I am at least one of those people who can be happy in a relationship, or alone.

Wow! Two of my faves in one place! I am kinda bummed that she didn't say what I've heard her say before - the real reason why people cheat. (Versus just dealing with the aftermath.) What keeps us focused on that "one" is desire for them. We can love someone, but it doesn't equal passion or desire. In a study she performed, people were asked about what attracted them to their partner - what made them want only them. And time and again, it was the same. People were most attracted to their partner when they saw them as an individual in their element. Whether they're on stage doing a gig or making a cashier laugh - it's them emanating some radiant energy, and getting a positive reaction from the world around them. The takeaway? Sure, some people are just thoughtless and cheating out of insecurity or resentment. But, within the realm of "happy" relaches, I think we lose often lose our partners when we lose ourselves. We lose them the moment we get too lost in either them or responsibilities (or both) to cultivate that radiant side of ourselves anymore. And why would we expect them to stay attracted after that? When they fell in love with us - and we're not even that person anymore? Anyway, good stuff, Matt. May we see more of the hour long interview?

Old vid, but still timeless. This extraordinary woman is certainly someone I'd consider timeless company. Oh Matt, we share a deep admiration for this spectacular person. Love you Esther!!!

Two of my favorite people currently. BOth have a gift of communicating so effectively so many subjects on relationships and self empowerment

If a person cheats on their spouse, I seriously doubt all other aspects of their relationship are fine and good. I believe that cheating shows disrespect and emotional disconnection from their partner. If the cheater is looking for their partner to “ fight for them” then I say BS on that. The cheater needs to fight for their own happiness and get some counseling or move out and on with their life because what they need is not being met in this relationship.

I see her point. She's great. Still. Anyone who cheats. No matter the reason. You are a coward.

Im so glad matthew that you asked the question about women dealing with the anger of cheating and Esther's answer for me was enlightening. Thank you for looking from a womans perspective.

This was a great listen, thank you both for your time and discussion. 🙏

That's why I'll stay single all my life. I can't count on others and I won't let them hurt me.

Love your videos Matt! I've been having difficulties in my current relationship and your videos have helped me through my problems. I find myself watching every video, regardless of the relevance that it has in my life. Each and every one gives me confidence. They make my days easier and I can't express how much i appreciate you and your insight.

I don’t know what I would do without your videos you save my mind a lot thankyou for what you do 🙏🏼❤️

spot on. sometimes you actually realize that the other person is not as fantastic as yours, and still i wonder why i am tempted. apparently it wasn't my partner, it was all my own self.

"Don't judge the entire relationship by the affair. That is unfair to the marriage and relationship" That's why second chances or even more occur or being given. This conversation was really big and absolutely interesting. Thanks for sharing this Matthew! :)

I agree with her. When you sign and vow to be with someone through highs and lows you vow to get through everything together. I love this video.

I recently am trying to figure out how to forgive myself from cheating. It was with a stranger, a sext. One time thing but it was a huge mistake. I feel so confused and lost. I didn’t think I could do this. I feel frustrated because my partner would dismiss me to concerns and problems I had prior to the cheating. I felt alone and a large sense of hesitancy from him. And now I have to face that even more since I hurt him. I’ve been cheated on and it hurts so much knowing I’ve caused this pain to someone I just wanted to love and be loved. I had forgiven my past partners but I don’t know if my current partner can do that for me. I feel awful and learning how to forgive myself so I don’t continue hurting others. It’s so lonely, because I can only blame myself. Things are never in black and white, thank you for sharing the nuances of it all.

It’s just commitment and how much your committed to that person and how much both of you are determined with each other. It makes me mad when in a relationship someone cheats and they still stay together. Believe that you deserve better for the love of god.

I wish someone could tell me how to get over being cheated on 6 different times. I enjoyed watching Esthers explanations but it also brought back too many painful memories.

How on EARTHHHHHHH did I miss this videooooooooo!! I love her and you too Matt - what a great video x

One of most beautiful conversations... Thanks for this amazing perspective...

She's great! I feel she's so raw, real. Love her advice

Yes, she has a point. Agreed. The end point "affair" shouldn't represent all of the relationship after so much time, so much invested, so much familiarity with someone, say in a marriage of many years. But, sometimes the "affair" is precisely the piece that helps wake up the relevant parties to identify the underlying "what" is going on. Not pretty, for sure. Not something to sneeze at but it can be the piece that helps one decide to wake up in the Matrix and realize you do in fact want to swallow the red pill and be present in your own life, become aware, in spite of the pain of living in reality and the consequences of living thereof.

This makes sense to me. I realised while listening that I have had some of this ideas in my head but not really formed the words. The reasons for cheating on a partner would always be highly personal, as well as the relationship itself would be very unique. Naturally it's up to each person to decide whether they can see past infidelity and if it is worth working through it. Also I am not convinced that humans are wired to be monogamous, I think it's natural to love people and to desire people, but that's a different matter... :) (And no, I have never cheated on a partner)

By far, the best video I've seen on this topic. Thank you.

Been in the same relationship for 6-7 years. Never cheat on my boyfriend but I feel her every word.

When I got married, we agreed to tell the other if we ever felt tempted to cheat. 13 years later I said to him: I'm unhappy. I'm feeling like I want to step out of the marriage to get my needs met". His response? " You gotta do what you gotta do..." It broke my heart. And it was the beginning of the end. If you want a clear conscience, make that rule with your partner.

I see so many great points of view and get it. I am on both sides. For me, if someone cheats on their partner, it never is a mistake. It has been well thought out and planned and I feel it quite selfish no matter what. No reason deserves anyone to be cheated on. I just had a milestone birthday, so for someone my age or older they should know better and if they don't then they do not deserve an ounce of my time because when I invest, I invest large and doesn't the saying go treat others as you wish to be treated? I would never cheat on someone not only out of respect for them but for myself. Imagine how hard it would be to know what you did and look at the person in the eye that you supposedly love. I know this from experience and I would never do it again. I was 19 years of age and I was in a relationship that was going on for nearly 2 years and the last year was not so great. I went out dancing with my girlfriends one evening and I met someone at the bar and he was from out of town. We hit it off, there was definitely more chemistry than just friends and he was only in town for a couple of more days for work so we decided to go for dinner the next day. I lied to my boyfriend and said I was going out to dinner with my friend. I knew exactly what I was doing and my intent to meet this man was because I was attracted to him. Even just the intention is cheating. So we went out for a romantic dinner at one of my most favorite restaurants in a community called little Italy in our city. I sat there in front of this man like a lie looking right into his eyes. My phone was vibrating off the hook in my purse and I couldn't even enjoy dinner as the guilt was building as the time went by. The guilt not only for my boyfriend but for the man I was out to dinner with. I cut the dinner short, said I had a family emergency and dropped him off at his hotel, he asked for a kiss, I denied him and he asked me if he could see me the next day, I said I wasn't sure however in my head it was a H to the E to the double hockey stick NO! I called my boyfriend right away and he was asking what I was doing, why I didn't answer the phone, pretty much what the heck. I couldn't hold it in any longer, I took a huge breath and told him I had cheated on him. He went silent. He asked me what we did. I told him about the dinner. He asked what else? I said nothing. He asked if we had sex. I said no. He asked if we kissed. I said no. Not even hold hands? I said no. I felt so guilty I dropped him off right away. He took a sigh of relief and said that I didn't cheat! To me I did. At the end of the day, I wasn't happy, we had discussed it he wouldn't change and that was my reason for going on the date. He was fine with it and wanted to continue our relationship but that was my signal to get out. I wasn't happy with him. And intimacy is something that is sacred between 2 people, unless you're swingers, and to me that is very important, what's special between two people anymore when everyone is just sleeping with everyone? Ever since then, I never cheated and this is why I view cheating as a conscious decision. Never a mistake. It is always thought out. Now there are times when people had too many to drink and really truly acted out like an idiot, although not an excuse, but not planned out, that happens. Had I had worked more on my personal development at that time I would have never stayed in that relationship because after communicating my unhappiness and no changes were made I would have realized that I deserve more and I would never have cheated because I have others in my best interest. I hear Esther when she says you can't just dismiss everything else that was good but at the end of the day, most people will say they forgive or think that now they have the upper hand but they have to live with it every day and when something triggers actions from when they were being cheated on, there's always something in the back of their minds that will always take them back to that horrible time. Unless you truly can forgive it can make the bond stronger to have been able to withstand that, as finances, economy, family issues, cheating really tops it and if you can get over that and work it out then that is truly amazing! However, also just because someone forgives they can't hold that over someone's head forever. It's just not fair. Because when you forgive someone, that other person is putting their tail in between their legs and giving it another chance too. So just stay kind to everyone and we must always put ourselves in the other person's shoes but most of all you have to be happy 100%, nothing less. Much love and many blessings to you all. Thank you for reading! Rina

Thank you Matthew for posting this piece of your interview and introduce her to my awareness!

Thank you for your videos. Even after 4 years of posting, I can still gain awareness.