Why we should show our hurt rather than argue 

Showing weakness takes a lot of strength. Ironic

This is amazing advice but it's very situational. Don't do this with a narcissist, or anyone who is emotionally immature. In both childhood and adulthood I've expressed when I'm hurt to my parents, and their immediate reaction was denial, rejection and gas-lighting. Rarely will they apologize and soften up. My mother, who adores being the victim in any circumstance, can never bring herself to a proper apology, it is always "I'm sorry you misinterpreted what I said" to anyone and everyone.... If you practice this with these type of people, it can draw up a lot of resentment and make it harder to open up (or be open) to someone who is genuinely emotionally there for you. So yes, good advice, but be careful. The supportive and emotionally vulnerable girlfriend is not always the reaction. Sometimes she'll lash out and say you're making her out to be the villain.

My only qualm: "I know it's stupid, but..." No. It's not stupid to feel unimportant when you're trying to have a conversation about something that matters to you with someone that matters to you. It's not stupid to feel hurt or to ask to have just a moment of their undivided attention😕

You guys should make a video (or probably a series) on *how* to show weakness and how to deal with someone revealing their weakness to you. Finding the words and the moment to do so can be very hard.

Because most of us are emotionally immature

This is assuming the person you are talking to is capable of compassion lol

Haha last time I told someone I was hurt by what they said, I was told that I was being "too emotional". And so, the argument began. 😂💔

We can't control someone elses reactions. Sometimes even explaining calmly doesn't get us the support we need, it doesnt always work that way and to be honest he sounded very apologetic. Sometimes people will explode or find things offensive no matter how calmly we state our point.

As a woman, I find vulnerability in men almost invariably attractive. Many feel so much pressure to be stoic or "strong" that it feels hard to get to know the real person within. So revealing weakness to me feels like a gesture of trust, which I find ultimately flattering. (Egocentric motivation, I suppose 😏 at least in part) I am slow to trust, so the vote of confidence means worlds to me. However, I will admit there are caveats: 1. When someone has hurt me very badly, and they express guilt or shame upon releazing my hurt, I do feel somewhat satisfied and take pleasure in their pain, but only to the extent that I feel it "evens the score" (no more than I hurt for no longer than I hurt). This is only in extreme situations. 2. ‎When people use a facade of "honesty" as an excuse for being an asshole or venting raw emotion carelessly without any effort towards tact or self-restraint. (Basically launching a personal attack under the guise of "just being honest.") 3. ‎When I feel their expressing "hurt" is actually a tale of woe aimed at manipulating my emotions intentionally to make me feel sorry for them and reduce their culpability. Or if I notice that particular person seems to have a pervasive victim mentality, even if they are not consciously aware of it. This is frustrating. Taking responsibility is key. As a general rule of thumb, I can deal with sadness quite well, but not anger. Anger antagonizes, whereas sadness invites empathy.

I'm a simple man, I see Jack Howard, I press the like button.

The parallel the guy showed vulnerability by expressing how he was hurt? Well, the “bad” parallel to the “good” parallel would have been if she wasn’t acknowledging and accepted that she hurt him. Sometimes, if you tell someone that they hurt your feelings and how they hurt you, they’ll deny their part and blame you for being “too sensitive/emotional” or “I shouldn’t have to walk around eggshells around you” translation,”I have to think about what I say to you before I say it. I don’t want to be respectful of your thoughts and feelings.” or “Then, I must be the monster or the bad guy.” After, they’ll entice you to fight or argue back with them so they don’t feel like they’re the only monster or bad guy, thus they will push you to say something just as cruel or malicious so they feel they are on equal footing. “Now we’re both hurt, so you can’t say shit else.”

I was about to write that I like the animated videos more, but after watching it I have to acknowledge that the acting is firstly very good and secondly necessary to address the problem properly. So for me you are currently the best channel on RU-vid and I hope that you will get many more subscribers. Not just because this channel deserves it but because everyone needs to watch this! :)

The scenario in this video SOMETIMES works. But the statement it contains, at the turning point, that "a calm dignified confession of vulnerability is nearly impossible to ignore," is often not true. Revealing to someone that he has hurt you is an implied criticism and he doesn't want to see himself as someone who hurts others, so he is annoyed by this statement, and hurts you even more. But, I appreciated the effort that went into this video because it does reveal a reflexive response that can sometimes be intercepted. So, thank you for the video.

Great with an empathetic partner/friend. Not so good with a narcissist - in that situation you need to act confident and let things roll of your back.

Sounds good, doesn't work. Got more hurt and felt like a lil bitch when i confessed that i was hurt and got no right replies at all.

Yeah, I wish. It's never that easy to disarm an argument. I've tried all those little tricks before, but if the other person is the one who initially gets hurt and then lashes out it's hard to identify and neutralize.

And what happens when you tell your partner he hurt you, but he continues to do the same, and then blame you for feeling hurt and angry?

*I want to address the line: "I have a big ego by asking you for your attention, forgive me".* Asking someone for their attention doesn't mean you have a big ego, it simply means you want to connect. If said person has abruptly stopped conversing with to play Candy Crush or Facebook, that is fine, you can leave them be and have the conversation another time or you can ask them for their attention. _I feel that should be said. if you think I am wrong then by all means, critique me.

JACK HOWAAAAAAAAARD

No argument is deadly until you argue with Cersei Lannister.

Only works when your partner recognizes vulnerability as an opportunity to connect rather than "win." Otherwise, the recrimination is just "Oh, so I can't check my phone anymore? You're right, you really are immature. How can we have an adult conversation when phones make you insecure?" etc. etc.

3 hours ago I had the same thing with my partner At first I was angry and we argued about stupid things for half an hour Before we go to bed he saw how sad i was and asked me in such a deep kind way " why are U upset " " did I hurt you?" Anger always makes things worse.

It's actually hilarious, because it's Jack Howard, and also because he is actually an excellent actor. But because of that reason, it is perfect. This funny little life is filled with complications, and it is wonderful to figure it all out with someone. I love my partner so much. I would rather a difficult conversation that is resolved, and a happy life than think that I could somehow do it better on my own. I love that I am told that I have done something wrong, it means. "Please do this differently next time, because I know you love me. Please show me in the ways I can understand, when difficult situations arise"

Moving and funny at the same time. Congrats to the actors, they did it great.

Not working for me.... a person keeps hurting me and refusing to talk to me. No matter if I tell her I'm hurt or if I get mad. She just doesn't care. And I care for her so much. She's my sister, so it's not like I'll ever walk away from her. What can I do but just hurt silently? Addressing what's hurting you isn't always the answer because sometimes the person really is selfish and they aren't going to care.

This is so real. I thought it was just me who wanted to hurt the ones I love when feeling mysterious hurt. Thank you for this amazing video!

This rarely works in real life. This video assumes: 1. That most people are reasonable 2. That most people are compassionate 3. That most people wouldn't see the 'showing of hurt' as another argument or criticism

If we care more about WHAT we feel than WHY we feel it, we lash out instead of reach out.

but how to deal with non-lovers exactly..

exaclty. explain explain explain, don't use revenge, just let the other person know why it made you feel bad :)

This is a skill that has taken years for me to learn. It is still terrifying to be so vulnerable but also rare for others to be honest about what they're feeling internally. This is an amazingly well constructed presentation on the concept. Bravo!!

Just found this channel. This channel is a treasure!

I was really mad at my boyfriend for some reason and after spending an hour thinking about how we'll most probably get into an argument and started typing a really mean message, I remembered I watched this video a week or so ago (just came across it and thought I should probably watch it, since my mood swings are crazy sometimes). I can honestly say this worked, I explained why I felt hurt and for what seems like the first time ever since we had our first fight, he apologized and reassured me that everything is okay instead of doing exactly the same as I used to do - being mean. Love this channel, I'll try to watch more of these soon.

I love this channel. One of the most insightful places on RU-vid in my opinion.

I love these insights and life lessons, but it can be so difficult to interact with people in a honest and calm way. I usually approach issues that upset me calmly because I truly want to understand their perspective. I tend to assume the worse unless people clarify. However, often people just shut down or get angry, no matter how nicely and fairly I try to express my hurt feelings. I try so much to live honestly with myself, and I am by no means "perfect" and usually apologize even when I dont feel I am wrong, simply because of the rejection whenever I want to have a calm, honest talk about feelings. All my relationships have this issue. I wish I knew what I am doing that makes everyone I love push me away.

I almost cried watching this, this is the level of communication I want to be on sooooo bad

Whenever I showed feelings of hurt my ex boyfriend will tell me: "You are always making me the villain, I'm always mean, I always hurt you" And when I got mad he will insult me even worst. There is just no winning with some people.

I like how they learn to communicate better on this one thing, then argue about something else afterwards. It seems realistic to point out that this will not end all conflict.

I think being genuine and not being fake is also a battle in relationships. So the question is, should we vent how we feel in the moment? Hurt has so many levels and it's embedded within aspects of our personality that can make us toxic. For some couples they agree to show each other's toxic tendencies so nothing surprises one another in the future.

there was a time not very long ago that i would never reveal if someone hurt me. i'm really proud of myself that i recently told an ex that he hurt me. it's liberating, actually, when you tell the truth. it also gives the other person permission to be vulnerable too. i suggest everyone try it.

We often dont show our weakness because if the other person then takes the advantage of that and carries on with agressive arguing he would then really hurt you emotionally

Those who simply want to argue, rather than express how they truly feel, are some of the most emotionally immature amongst us. They'd rather argue and cling to the particulars of a situation, rather than try to come to any sort of a mutual understanding.

Jack on the School of life!!! I wasn't expecting this and I am very happy about that

I love this style of videos ! Keep them videos coming ❤️🎶

I love this format with real scenerios. Keep it going.

partner a) you have hurt me b) ok, i see this. However you have also hurt me a) I understand, however i feel that you have hurt me even more. b) i accept your position, but it is important for me that you understand that I am the one who is the most hurt. Passive aggressive millennial argument.

Beautiful message! Vulnerability is precious :)

Short and very practical, thanks!

These videos are wonderful. I love how you show a little piece of what could have been any one persons life and then show how to improve upon the relationship. However, I feel like it's always a romantic couple arguing, and while a lot of people are very close to their partners, a lot of people also need fixing in family and friendships. I would like to see that represented, like if any of you (commenters and viewers) would too. I hope you guys at the school of life see this too, have a nice day

whenever i feel like arguing i literally just walk away or completely shut myself up bc i know it’ll always end up badly and it just makes everything frustrating

You know what? The second way of reacting sounded much stronger than the first, childish one. Remaining calm feels like a very both empathic and confident person.

This is quite powerful. I wish people would do this more often

When I first watched this video, I thought I realized where I went wrong with a friend/love interest that I lost very recently. Then I read the comments and a lot of people had similar experiences as myself. I've finally realized I've done this with my friend. I did this with my friend. I showed vulnerability. I showed hurt. I was calm. I told her I wanted to talk about it. I showed compassion for how she was feeling. I didn't attack or berate her. I told her I understood her and didn't mean any harm to her or mean anything ruthless to her. When I first told this girl I had feelings for her, she was drunk. I didn't know that. When she told me she was drunk, I said, "Oh, I should've known." And that ticked her off, but she does drink fairly often, so it was a fair statement. And to cut the story short, every time I'd try to talk about what happened that night, she'd get defensive and tell me to stop and move forward and leave it alone. That's not healthy. I was showing hurt, vulnerability, and love, but she pushed it all away and wouldn't accept it. Yes, show all those things, but it doesn't guarantee you'll be reciprocated. I wasn't reciprocated. Sometimes when I felt she was ignoring me during normal conversation my hurt would come up and I'd attack her. I'd argue with her. This continued for a month until she finally called it quits and blocked and banned me from her entire life... Even during the time I told her my feelings she said, "We all fear rejection but you just gotta keep putting yourself out there." I told her I knew my fears were correct and that she didn't share the same feelings as me. She told me not to analyze her and that what I was analyzing wasn't what she meant. She was drunk, mind you, so who knows what the Hell was going through her mind. And during the same time I'd sometimes bring up moving on and letting go. How did she react? "What the fuck?!" And then eventually she was like, "I do have feelings for you, if you're still asking." That gave me hope, but things still didn't seem right. The next morning we talked about some of it, but she wanted to avoid it entirely and even said it was a "disaster". She even blamed me for trying to have a conversation with her while she was intoxicated, when I was unaware until she told me. And if I had just assumed she was drunk, she would've gotten mad at me then too because she hates when I assume things. So either way, I would've been wrong and blamed for it. I tried talking to her calmly. I tried to have a mature conversation with her. My guard was already completely down and I was ready to just communicate. She refused. She obviously regretted what she said while drunk. Even though your true inhibitions, your true feelings, the truth comes out when you're drunk, she even denied that notion when I brought it up, but I may have brought it up in a passive aggressive way too. But seriously, I was already vulnerable and she wasn't accepting it or opening up to me, so I had a right to start getting mad. I opened up with vulnerability and showed my goddamn hurt. Because liking her actually hurt me because I was so worried I'd get rejected and I hadn't liked a girl like this for at least 2 years, so I was scared. I made myself depressed over it. I tried keeping it bottled up, but I ended up just letting it out and apparently at the most misopportune time. I let my crush on her literally crush me until I was forced to just let it out. I was most vulnerable at that point because I was already hurting from thinking about rejection. But I still went in vulnerable. And I did try to handle it the best I could by telling her I'd move on and let go. She got mad when I SAID I would move on and let go, but guess what SHE told me to do the next morning? "Move on, Jake. Let go, Jake." When I said it, she had a problem with it. When she said it, she meant it as a demand. And then when I just couldn't get any further with her with communication on the situation, I just gave up when she told me, "Regardless of what I said. Enough" I quit replying after that. I left the conversation. 10 minutes later she texts me, "Read and ignored sweet" She got mad at me for leaving the conversation where it was. She got mad at me for letting it go. She got mad that I was trying to move on. I replied back to her, "I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to bother you further." Her response, "K." I asked if she was mad at me. She yelled at me with a, "NO" response. What was i supposed to do? I've done the reasoning through my head plenty of times and what I should've done is just kept on ignoring her and not replying. Let it fester in her for a while. Let her think about it. I never gave her time to think about things like that because I always felt bad for "ignoring" her or leaving a conversation where it was, even randomly. That's just not how I am. But I realize it was her game. I was playing her game and I didn't succeed. What I should've done is walked away and not talk to her for awhile. What I did was feel guilty for leaving her unanswered, even though she told me, "Enough". And then after that little fiasco, this all happened on the day of the eclipse, so she brought up the eclipse as a change of subject. we talked about it very briefly before she just read and ignored my text mid-conversation. I left it alone, but after about 2 hours, I just went off on her and told her how I didn't appreciate how she was treating the situation and me. That's when we got into a heated argument. She even threatened that if I don't stop, then we can't be friends anymore and she even added in, "And that would make me really sad." Every other argument we'd have that day she'd bring up the notion of, "Friends or nah?" She was FORCING a choice onto me. Not to mention before the arguments she yelled at me saying, "WE ARE FRIENDS. THAT'S IT." When I was trying to communicate about the night before. She wouldn't have any of it. I wasn't trying to force a relationship. I told her many times I was in no rush to jump in a relationship. I told her many times I respected the way she felt and that if she wasn't ready, I was okay with it. I gave all the assurance in the goddamn world. And she still yelled at me for trying to communicate. She didn't want to be vulnerable with me like I was with her. She kept on forcing the notion of us being friends or not onto me when we were arguing. Do you know how hard that is? You're asking me to ignore my feelings and hurt and how you've yelled at me all day, and you're trying to force me to either be your friend or leave you. That's not freaking healthy!!!!! I finally gave in because she threatened to block me if I didn't give her a break and leave it alone. I tried being her friend, but every time we'd talk I'd want to go back to that day and try to talk about it. She wouldn't have any of it. She wanted it to be left in the "past". As if 2 days to a week ago or even a month ago can be considered "The past". The immediate past, sure, but you don't just get over something like that immediately. But that's what she expected form me. She expected me to be just her friend and forget everything that happened that night and day. It felt very manipulative and controlling. Funny/ironic thing is, I don't think she spoke to me extensively while drunk again after that. She might've had some small talk with me while drunk, but never got into anything too deep again while drunk. Never build friendships with people who will talk to you often while drunk. The first time we bonded over deep shit was when she was drunk. Yeah, never bonding with someone again while they're drunk. And if I do, It'll be left as is, a drunk memory. I'm not taking anything seriously from another bonding moment with a drunk person/friend again. I'll remember it for future reference, but as for taking it seriously and thinking it means anything serious, nah, never again. She knew her problem, but wouldn't admit to it. She quit talking to me while drunk, but she wouldn't apologize to me for it or give any kind of closure over it or any kind of communication over it. I would explain explain and explain what I was thinking and feeling to her, but she'd never do the same for me. She'd even question me at times, "I don't understand why you continue to let this eat at you." And I told her it was because I didn't understand it. Communication is all about understanding. Without communication, there is no understanding, and with no understanding makes assumptions and other ideas come up in your mind to try and justify it. And she got mad at those assumptions and ideas when i shared them with her. But she wasn't mature enough to communicate with me, so why is she blaming me when she could've communicated and helped me better understand things? She tried to make me feel guilty for my feelings. I've went over it several times in my head since she's been gone and I'm realizing more and more how manipulative and controlling she was. She didn't want me to think a certain way. She didn't want me to think of her in a negative light. She didn't want me to leave her, but she wanted me to move on and let go. When I put the idea in her that I might not want to be friends anymore, she got scared. She gave me puppy dog eyes and made me feel bad for even that. I felt guilty. She guilt tripped me. She guilt me into being her friend. She guilt tripped me in being her friend when I tried to move on and let go. She guilt tripped me when i thought about ending the friendship. She guilt tripped me for my feelings. All so she could slice my throat open herself and end it herself. She wanted the satisfaction of watching me bleed. She took advantage of my vulnerability and weakness. You open yourself up to people and you're only opening up a bigger wound for them to stab you in and make it sting a Hell of a lot more.

Thank you for this, tsol. Everybody should watch this video

Naturally, it goes both ways. If someone courageously admits that he/she felt hurt, then you should properly and eagerly listen to them without "hitting back".

This is absolutely incredible. Thank you for this lol

I wish I knew of this channel before my relationship fell apart but I'm doing what I can to apply it now and fix it.

What if your friend, relative reply your stop being a baby when you show hurt? What if you show it too much time and nobody cares anymore? Am I make up these problems? Yes, I am, Sir!

Please do more of this kind of video :) :) touching and captivating

What's crazy is how ppl wouldn't really respond that way. Most ppl would continue on the phone and say just a sec and be mad and call you needy bcuz u need that time now not to wait on then. At least that's been my experience. No matter how I ask for time, attention, and affection. I'm always told I'm selfish and immature.

I saw the thumbnail and thought, I know that guy. And sure enough I did :D

Really great video, thank you

Jack! I'm super pleased to see you.

These hypothetical situation videos are very effective.

That was amazing. Thank you.

I just can't get over how wonderful Jack Howard is.

You've saved my relationship many times. So to suffice, many thanks :)

I'd have thought it would have been better if the man let it go when she pulled out her phone, accepted that the conversation they'd been having was over and then later, at a time when his partner was in the mood to listen to him, address the issue of how it made him feel when she pulled out the phone in that moment. People don't like to be told what to do, no matter how sweet the tone, in my experience.

The last part makes my heart feels warm :)

MY BOI JACK! great stuff here guys, keep it up

Jack Howard was a great choice for this video! : ) I think most people are afraid if they show vulnerability, they will be mocked or hurt further. This is a good response to those fears.

It takes strength to be gentle and kind

This is literally the WORST advice to give when your with a partner that has no heart and/or has personality disorders. This kind of vulnerability opens you up to manipulation and severe emotional trauma. I agree that showing weakness is a good thing, but be EXTREMELY careful with the type of people you open yourself up to, because they can stab you 500x harder after you open up to them.

Does anybody know the name of the song?

love it . love it. love it. No matter what the critics of this channel say. diluting philosophy and stuff! keep it up. love.

The hard part is getting to the point of having a relationship with someone. Luckily enough, I do not have troubles showing my weaknesses and having strength in those weaknesses.

Great acting / depiction of real couple arguments

Imagine if the whole world thought this way, better communication and understanding with each other might lead to or at least a step toward world peace

Love this video

Love these👍

With some people, showing them they've hurt you is like offering them your neck for them to attack. They will feast and revel. Know that, suffered that, got the scars to prove it.

You know, I do agree with all of this. I have very often tried to be mature and nice and all. But the experience that I've made was that most people do need a little dose of conflict in their relationships for it not to get too boring. Of course, there can be a too much. Of course, there may be people who are more vulnerable and don't actually want conflict. However, most people can't stand it if their partners are too nice just like they can't stand it if there is too much conflict. There should thus be a complementary video that shows how we could be a little more grounded, balanced and a little more "aggressive" if our partners go cold on us because we are "just nice"... in other words; we do not only need a mature and calm way of expressing our anger, hate, fear; we do also need a constructive wildness. This seems to be the real difficulty. Far too often, there is this oversimplified dichotomy of nice guy vs. bad boy or conflict-avoidance vs. constant fighting. Both may be nice for some couples but an average advice for an average audience would be to show how someone can be balanced in their emotional outlets and how thus their relationship can also be balanced in their doses of wildness and calmness...

Being lone is the best the way to avoid these problems.

Screaming matches can become addictive, consuming, exhausting and leave you completley drained.

My parents have at times argued like this, and if ever my dad tells my mom that she was being mean or harsh she got angry at him for daring to say that. I had an old job where my boss was a total lunatic, constantly yelling and throwing temper tantrums and throwing things around because he was upset and if we had the "audacity" as he put it to say he should practice some self control he would go right back into it, thats why i neither fight or try to explain because in most cases people already know their words will come across as hurtful and they just don't care, that or they'll have no idea why you could possibly see anything they did as wrong.

great content!

Great advice! ❤️

Beautifully acted. Gave me an anxiety attack.

Crying is not just for infants. Haven't you ever experienced a scene in a movie where an adult cries? Yes, even adult men... especially men. It's very moving. Crying gets you in a different place than the part of your brain that is trying to protect YOURSELF...now you feel protective (compassionate) toward the other person. Also, some people below had questions about how to express that someone is hurting you, in a work context. Here is what I have seen, and does not make the person look weak: Say, "Ouch." That's it. Then quickly move on. There isn't time for the person you are speaking to, to mount a counter-attack; they might even be slightly confused (they didn't realize the stupidity/insensitivity of what they were saying). But later they will think back at what they said (because you said "Ouch") and they'll get it.

what a good advice!

Thank you very much

Like other comments here, if have to agree that it depends on who you are opening up to. I found that in my family of you showed any vulnerability it just opened you up for attack. Or dismissal. Like when I expressed that I felt hurt that I was always consulted last when family visits were arranged. There nature of my business means that my clients pre-book their appointments with me at least 8 weeks in advance, so if I knew when the family visit was going to be with enough notice I could meet up without disrupting all my clients. I got a thoughtful look but no words. And the next family visit, everyone else had their pick of days and I was told.... We have "this" afternoon left. When I brought up our last conversation it was like I was the troublemaker. In the end I said I just couldn't make it. It's not fair to my clients who are loyal to me. That was the last I ever heard from my family. That was about 8 years ago now....

Love this

This should be taught at school as part of PHSE, before we get into meaningful relationships.

I wish you would do a video about someone trying to break their habit of being toxically submissive.The kind of quiet self restraint that helps no one in the end.

Irrelevant, but I think their voices are immensely lovely.

Ayye it's jack!

The thing is, I always approached relationships like this. Very rarely did I fall into anger. And yet the relatonships never lasted. The only ones that I know that last are ones where couples will have a scream at each other once every few months, and/or bogged down in religious piety.

Awesome!!

wow! this happened to me a couple days ago. could feel it spiraling out of control. Something just told me to pause apologize and start again, calmly.