My mental health journey covering anxiety, depression, derealisation and depersonalisation (dpdr) and OCD. I’ll also be discussing medication such as Mirtazapine which is what I’m currently taking.
I’ve struggled with my mental health since being a small child and I’m suspected of having high functioning autism. My battle with mental illness has almost cost me my life multiple times due to bad thoughts and extremely dangerous weight loss.
I’m trying my best to ‘recover’ from all of these issues and trauma whatever that looks like. I just want to feel calm, happy and present again.
*Disclaimer*
I am not a doctor, this channel and all the videos I upload are based on my own personal experience. Please do not use any of my content as medical advice as you should always speak to your doctor. I’m just a dude on the internet who deals with mental health issues and takes meds.
@@sadbird1720 yeah I’m still gaining weight. After the first dose of 15mg I was able to eat a little more (I was in crisis and really struggling to eat) and I went from 95lbs at 6’0 to 115lbs after a month or so. I stayed around 115lbs for a couple of years then last year I really started to push myself to eat more and now I’m at 155lbs. It wasn’t easy because I was still puking a lot from force feeding myself but it was worth it, I couldn’t have gotten to this point without mirtazapine.
I am 21 and I am having 24/7 dpdr since 2021 so 3 years and I don’t know how to be back again , I smoked a lot of weed , now I am almost 2 months clean maybe it will go away some day
Hello and best regards. How do you feel now? Do you still use the same combination and milligram of drugs and do you have any side effects such as restless legs and a constant need to move? I have severe recurrent depression without psychotic symptoms (F33.2). The doctor prescribed mirtazapine 30 mg/day and venlafaxine 150 mg. I have a slight fear of possible side effects such as dissociation, serotonin syndrome or (hypo)mania. Thank you
Unfortunately I still have it, it’s been 5 years of 24/7 dpdr now. It’s my new normal and I forget I have it since I’m so used to it. Life is hard especially when you don’t have any positive feelings in your brain and feel constantly disconnected but I keep going.
I’m on 15 mg for social anxiety it been a a three months but I have not seen any improvement. Should I ask the doctor to increase the dose or prescribe another medication or give it more time because i am good at home but the issue is I can't leave the house I've been home for a months ..
Personally I found 30mg was the best dose for me and it took months for me to notice certain things were less hard. There were lots of different factors at play for me so it’s difficult to gauge whether it could have worked quicker or better tbh. I hope things work out for you 💙
Been following you for a long time and like everyone I’m just so happy to see you’re doing amazing Rhys. 🥹🌹 I know things are hard still but proud of how far you’ve come. ❤️
I think once you start with life improvements of any kind and you start opening up to feeling more, it’ll feel like too much at once. It’ll take a while for your nervous system to adapt but it can. Just wanted to point that out and hope you’re not discouraged. I relate to the intense feeling of not yet feeling “normal” but having enough good going on that then you feel like you have a lot to lose. Wishing you the best.
For the first 3 years I found those urges or feelings pretty much non existent. All I could do was isolate and be alone because that’s all I could do just to survive. Now 5 years into 24/7 dpdr I find I have some capacity for connection to other humans as I’m a bit more mentally stable nowadays. When I talk to or see an attractive woman I ‘feel’ an energy in my body and my heart rate speeds up which gives me motivation/an adrenaline rush but I don’t have feelings in my brain if that makes sense. I don’t feel love at all but I know I care for people mainly due to that energy I feel towards them. Hope it doesn’t sound too weird the way I described it 😂
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 thanks for the feedback, based on my research we enter the state when our body is trying to protect us from a potential threat (in most of our cases probably a build up of difficult events or stressors) the brain is actually on our side it is just overwhelmed which is why It enters this state. During this state it also numbs our emotions so that if we were being eaten by a lion for example, It would be less emotionally overwhelming (immediate and tangiable threat). By teaching the mind to calm itself and show it that it is safe through things like relaxation techniques, grounding methods etc it can eventually disappear. If anyone follows the glucose goddess (trending right now) you will see that she was actually able to eradicate a big percentage of her episodes of depersonalisation through managing her glucose level. when she had a spike of glucose it would onset an episode (diet). lots of research being done out there but it seems that taking care of the body and showing it it is safe is the way out
Yeah that’s my understanding of it too, it just sucks when you get stuck this way for years on end. For me I find my pre-existing mental health conditions feed into the dpdr and keep it going, in my experience no amount of therapy, grounding techniques, exercise etc have made a dent in it in the last 5 years. My life circumstances make recovering feel impossible tbh. I think being autistic and getting to the point of severe burnout has made things very difficult on my psyche especially since I’ve struggled with basic life stuff for so long, it’s taken its toll. In my experience cutting out sugar and eating healthy made me feel so much worse. I’d have daily panic attacks and my anxiety would be 10/10, I do better with a lot of sugar. That’s just my experience and I don’t doubt that living a healthy lifestyle helps most people. I think what you’re saying would help a lot of people at least feel a little better but there always seems to be outliers with these things. Hope you’re well :)
Hi Rhys. Well done, you're doing a great job. Would the nausea have something to do with the Mirtizapine you were taking some time ago. Keep in contact with friends; keep going for the walks and working out. Fabulous to see you and keep making the Vids as you are on the right path.
@@0911relax thank you :) I’m still taking the Mirtazapine, currently on 30mg and have been for 2.5 years now. Nausea has always been a problem for me even before meds and I think it’s gotten worse since I started force feeding myself to gain/maintain my weight rather than it being caused by the meds. This med has helped me eat more food if anything. I must say though, when I was on 45mg is definitely when the med caused me to puke a lot and feel very ill stomach wise. That dose was awful for me looking back on it. Hope you’re well!
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 Yes, now on 30mg too. Came off 45mg as it was too much. I'm on Pregablin which has been a game changer and has really steadied things up in the last 18 months. I have suffered for years. See if you could get this prescribed.
the thing with 24/7 is, there is no moment where you feel anything. In my case it caused me to not just be numb but 99% of the time it would numb out my anxiety and depression so there is just nothing. In my case I believe it was a thing my body produced as a defense mechanism. Before i dealt with derealization I was suicidal and I was very close in doing so but in the end i didn't do it. After I had felt a complete emotional numbness where it felt like i was dizzy while tired constantly. Now its manifested and it gets worse and worse with time and now its not numbness its just blank there is no emotion, not even with people and its completely artificial if on the very low chance I do feel something its foreign and I can get mad at myself for being like this. If you think your experiencing dpdr and need to explain it to other people I explained it to people like being nothing but your eyes and your eyes have a constant fog. If anyone can relate or if anyone believes they think they have dpdr please find a counselor or therapist. the longer you go through it without trying to fix it the longer it takes to fix. Something he talks about is not even realizing this happens and just being. Idk if any of this makes sense but please reply with any other thoughts anyone has and if you need to talk to someone who has been through this for a long time feel free to reply and we can get in contact.
One more thing I want to add is the treatment can be pretty limited for things like this. I personally don't want to take medication for this. maybe its me just being stubborn but I feel like taking a pill to deal with a problem is not the correct solution for me, because I either take it the rest of my life or I find a solution and cope on my own there is no in between for me.
It helps me eat enough and get good sleep. My lows anxiety and depression wise aren’t as severe as they used to be. It hasn’t been life changing because I still really struggle but I’m also autistic and have other stuff in my life that makes things difficult so that effects the meds efficiency.
The weight gain is definitely noticeable it's good you are getting back to a healthy weight. I hope your stomach is also doing better, nausea is rough. I'm on my anxiety recovery journey too and have been watching you for a couple years. Leaving the house for me is scary too being out in the world on my own. I'm gonna be 23 this week and I'm still living with my dad and not working or in school either due to my own issues so you aren't alone. I have found that anxiety is comprised of irrational fears and the imagination. When we are traumatized when we are young we expect other things in life to inflict us the same pains. Take it slow and peaceful Rhys!
Cheers :) I remember you, you’re one of the OG’s. It’s frustrating when our life is on hold due to our issues but we’ve got to do what’s best for our mental health. I wish you all the best, hopefully we can both continue to recover more and more 🤞🏻
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 im on 30mg but its not that effective , want to try another but can't cope with the transition between 2 anti depressants. Stay calm and take care brother ✌️
45mg really didn’t agree with me so it made it way more difficult to eat and keep stuff down. 30mg is definitely my sweet spot for hunger and sleep. Typically the lower doses are more sedating but in my experience I found 30mg made me sleep better than 15mg. Although I must say after 2.5 years of being on this med, it doesn’t knock me off to sleep like it used to. It’s gradually got less effective although once I’m asleep I do sleep good and my eating is still good so that’s a win.
@@rhysmentalhealth2521brother try to get 30 mg domperidone with Mirtazapine and you will have a better appetite and food….. what does your endoscopy shows ?
My weight and ability to eat is in a good place right now thankfully so I don’t need anything else for appetite. My gastro didn’t do any endoscopy or any other tests at all because they attributed all my issues to my mental health. I don’t necessarily agree with them but I don’t care as much because I’m at a healthy weight for the first time in my life aha.
How are you bro? All okay ? Have you tried mirtazapine and escitalopram together? Are you still on mirtazapine ? What dose ? Are there any additional benefits on 45 mg we don’t get on 30mg ?
I didn’t end up trying the meds together so just stayed on 30mg of Mirtazapine. 45mg didn’t agree with me even after being on it for over a month, it made me puke constantly and I felt worse mentally so dropped back down to 30mg.
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 I just watched it, good to see you back. And good to hear that you found a new friend. I like your content, although it is depressing sometimes lol.
Hey m 18. And ive had dp/dr for 4 or 5 months now. It started from my brother asking me to smoke weed and me not have smoken weed but one time went with and took 5 big inhales and we stopped by the wendys and i started to feel weird and when we were in the drive thru, we were trying to take our order i started to feel really weird. I just started whispering help over and over again untill It became a talk then i started yelling and screaming as loud as i could for help. I was like, "PLEASE F*CKING HELP ME" and i couldnt control it. And we had to speed off (luckily it was late at night and not a lot of people were out) but anyway, he started speeding off to his sisters house (shes a nurse) and on the way their i started saying everything on my mind. Like personal deep things ive never told anyone like that i was suicidal, i had depression and social anxiety like i said everything. (Worst part is after all this my brother just laughed at me...) but anyway we arrived there and i started tripping the fuck out. I remember he slapped me and i didnt feel it, i didnt feel anything. Anytime i made contact with something, it went blurry and i saw 10 of whatever i made contact with. And eventually i was in the ambulance heading to the hospital with my mom. And i started to remember less and less and eventually the doctor gave me some melatonin kr something that put me to sleep. When i woke up, i was in my bed and i felt weird. And i though hm maybe this is just a temporary thing. But ever since that day, it got worse and worse untill i did research and realized what it was. Idk really what to do and its been 5 months.... what do i do?
Hey I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. The best thing to do is try to live your life as normal as possible if you can. Try to do stuff that’ll relax your nervous system and know that this does pass for most people. But I’m not the best guy for advice since I’ve had this for a long time. How’re you doing now since it’s been over a month since your comment? I hope you’re doing okay :)
Hello Rhys. I was just wondering if you have done a complete hormonal blood work ( Testosterone, estradiol, IGf-1, Growth hormone, ACTH, cortisol, TSH, T4, and T3 ). I asked because you mentioned osteoporosis. Which is not common for someone your age, unless you are being severely deprived of nutritiets like calcium, magnesium, and Vit-K. Which I suspect you are not , since you take meal replaceing drinks ( which have vitamins and minerals in them). So, please consider getting a complete hormone panel test, if you haven't already. An imbalance in hormones can greatly affect your mood, and mimic mental disorders.
Hey, the osteoporosis is due to me being really underweight from age 11 to 23. I used to be anywhere between 95lbs to 118lbs at 6ft for years and even as a kid my bmi was 14. I’ve had a few testosterone tests all of which come back normal. The most recent one was 16 nmol/l for test, 0.341 free test, 58.1 free androgen index, 27.7 nmol/l SHBG. Gaining weight/working out has really boosted my levels and they keep on increasing. My TSH, T4 and T3 were all good too. But other than them tests, I haven’t had the other things tested as the provider I went with doesn’t offer them here in the UK.
i've been living with 24/7 DR since august 2017. it's been extremely debilitating and i feel like my life was halted at the age of only 20 and i'm 27 now. it's nice to see that i'm not the only one even though i feel your pain. i hope every day i will snap out of this and feel like i'm not dreaming anymore
Hi Thanks for sharing your journey, mirtazapine is a potent antagonist of H1 histamine receptors, which can lower your stomach acid too much which can lead to nausea and an array of symptoms, if your gut biome is sick it will make all your symptoms worse, i went through this for years, so my personal remedy NOT A CURE just helps balance, was organic apple cider vinegar in a glass of water before eating and after to increase stomach acid so bad bacteria and pathogens cant survive. also stay off sugary drinks, fruit drinks, 46 years experience of trial and error. Keep Sharing , your not alone, its gets easier the more you learn. What you eat and when you eat is the most important thing to learn! good place to learn, is found my fitness, Dr Rhonda Patrick, Dr Andrew Huberman and many others, also keep your fish oils on the fridge they oxidize at room temperature which can cause make depression far worse, only cook with olive oil, coconut oil, butter, or animal fat, the rest are all toxic for the gut biome.
I can't even speak,it's as if someone is helping me doing the talking...Mehn is weird,being stock with it for 5years now, going in and out of it... Currently am tramp down with it
I’m able to exercise a decent amount on this so I don’t see why not however it depends how it effects you individually, maybe if it makes you too tired or effects your reactions it could cause problems. But I haven’t noticed anything other than extra tiredness.
I’m managing to build a decent amount of muscle right now despite the tiredness/fatigued feeling this med causes. I’d definitely say it’s harder to exercise when taking this med but it’s still possible by taking it day by day, gradually increasing exercise and getting enough sleep. Everyone is different though. There was a time when I thought it’d be impossible to workout properly on this but I’ve proven myself wrong. Might be more difficult if you’re working full time as I’m currently not working so that helps energy levels.
Yeah I’m still on 30mg and even after 2.5 years it helps me eat enough. I sleep good but it doesn’t knock me out like it used to. It keeps me stable but hasn’t been life changing depression wise.
Just started taking Mirtazapine (3 days). Been taking before going to bed but find myself tossing and turning for an hour or two? Feel abit groggy during the day other tjan that seems to be kerping me a lot calmer as i suffer with anxiety and depression. Anyone here steugglibg with getting off to sleep?
Try taking it a couple hours before you are going to lay down. Lower doses are more sedating. I'm on 30 mg and have sleep issues and I'm sleeping fine.
Comment above is right. It takes 2 hours to reach peak levels in your blood so it’s best to take it two hours before you go to bed. I always found 30mg makes me more sleepy than 15mg ever did. Glad the med is keeping you calmer during the day, all the best :)
@@savejosef much much better. Sleep like a baby! Only one thing to mention, after an hour of taking Mirtazapine, I have double vision?! Then I know it's time for bed!😂
I only use 3.75 mg. Max. 2 time's in a week. I'm also using methylfenidaat 54mg long working avery day. And 20 mg methylfenidaat short working. When I need to sleep a good night, i take 3,75mg mirtazapine. And it is working very wel for me! Ik wil alleen voorkomen dat je afhankelijk wordt van het medicijn. En dat is de rede dat ik het maximaal 2x per week gebruik. Daarnaast ben ik vrachtwagen chauffeur, en mag je na inname van mirtazapine in zo'n lage dosis geen auto rijden tot 13 uur na inname. Bij 7.5 tot 15 mg is fit zelfs al 24 uur niet rijden. 15 tot 30mg per dag = 48 uur geen auto rijden. 30 tot 45 mg is 72 uur geen auto rijden. Bij meer als 45 mg per keer/dag wordt je rijbewijs ingetrokken! Dit medicijn heeft echt een negatief effect op het reactie vermogen. Dus als er alternatieven zijn, GEBRUIK DIT DAN NIET!
Not being able enjoy anything is hell my friend and I understand fully how you feel. It’s unexplainable to those who haven’t felt it. I’m first week into 15mg and had depression nearly all my life. I wish you all the best.
@@alangonzalez9001 I first noticed it not long after getting dpdr. It was a very traumatic time in my life plus I was also withdrawing cold turkey from sugar/caffeine which made things so much worse. I don’t notice the floaters as much anymore but they were so bad for a few years. Looking back maybe I didn’t have true visual snow, I’m not even sure tbh.
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 yeah bro I understand it’s so weird. I developed visual snow after a bad experience with shrooms/ marijuana but it came with intense DPDR. The thing is I don’t know if the panic attack I had on shrooms caused my visual snow or if it was the shrooms themselves that gave me HPPD. I used to struggle with it a lot too man trust me I know how hard it is but I’ve done so well and I do have moments of clarity from DPDR where I’m like “wait I feel normal” then it goes away and comes back so I suppose maybe one day in the future I will feel fully back to normal. I have hope. Ever since the drug experience I’ve noticed the Visual snow intensifies if I have an intense panic attack. So I’m 90% the panic attack caused my vs not the shrooms themselves
I have borderline personality disorder and have experienced dissociation for most of my life. Lamotrigine has helped me more than any other medication I’ve been on, and I’ve been on pretty much every class of psychiatric medication. I take 200mg at night. Within a few weeks of taking it my anxiety, dissociation and mood were a lot better. Everyone reacts to medication differently though, so what’s helped me for dissociation might not help someone else with dissociation.
I’ve heard some good things about Lamotrigue but also bad things like it doesn’t work for long etc. How’re you doing now since it’s been 4 months since your comment? Hope you’re good :)
Hello. I’ve been on Lamotrigine for four years and it still works. People react differently, so it won’t work for some, but it’s been the most effective for treating my borderline personality disorder and dissociation/derealisation.
Just found your channel. I hate this existence too man!! DP/DR 24/7 for 22 years now. I don't believe it will ever go away for me. I just try to live my best and take it day by day. Keep on Keepin' On!!!
Wow 22 years is brutal :( You’ve done amazing making it to this point! That’s all we can do, just try our best and taking it one day at a time. Hope you’re doing as okay as you can be rn 💙
There were times when I didn’t leave the house for 3 months especially when I first developed dpdr. However now after 4.5 years of this 24/7, I can get out nearly everyday for at least 30 minutes, it isn’t easy but I’m mostly used to this feeling. I can even meet up with friends and stuff. I was managing short walks after about 6 months and I’ve been slowly pushing myself to do more and more. Hope you feel better soon mate!
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 4.5 years? I have had it for 3 months and i keep getting Worse and Worse everyday and if this keep going i dont know what will happen, but how have You had it for 4.5 years? Ive heard of people getting well after 5-6 months and the most 2 years?
Sorry I’m only replying now, I don’t get notified about replies sometimes. I think mine has stayed for so long because I’m autistic and ended up having really bad breakdowns. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and my life is a mess, there’s other things that I don’t talk about online too. You’re right, most people do recover well before they get to the point I’m at so I’m a pretty rare case. It’s been 5 months so I hope you’re doing better now :)
Turning 34 and it s exactly 11 years since living with dp/dr. I m also on mirtazapine (15mg) for tue last decade and escitalopram for 5 years (which also helps with anxiety). I ve experienced multiple short moments where everything felt real again. It s all about these moments that are giving me hope. Many dp dr clinics also prescribe stimulants with an ssri which are supposed to help. Have you had any experience with that? And you r favourite snack to keep the mirtazapine munchies down? Even after 10 years, the hunger response is insane 😅
11 years is a lot of time, you’ve done well keeping yourself going! I tried Sertraline a few years back however I had a real hard time swallowing the pills and I was so unwell with my anxiety being crazy high, I felt like the pills made it worse (maybe because I was scared of side effects). I think I only lasted a few days, maybe not even that long, taking SSRIS but it’s hard to remember because I was so ill at the time. Not sure I’ll try them again since I’m scared they’ll effect my ability to eat. I was always very underweight and I hate eating so munchies have never been a problem for me ahah. I eat whatever I want and I’m no longer a skeleton thanks to mirtazapine 😂
Mrs Richards: "I paid for a room with a view !" Basil: (pointing to the lovely view) "That is Torquay, Madam ." Mrs Richards: "It's not good enough!" Basil: "May I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window ? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? the Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically past?..." Mrs Richards: "Don't be silly! I expect to be able to see the sea!" Basil: "You can see the sea, it's over there between the land and the sky." Mrs Richards: "I'm not satisfied. But I shall stay. But I expect a reduction." Basil: "Why?! Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment ?"
I’ve tried his stuff, he’s very knowledgeable and positive so I can see how he helps people. Personally it didn’t help me get back to reality. I think circumstances in my life really prevent me from recovering which I’m trying to work on. I think I remember you sending me a super kind/deep message which helped me feel less alone but insta deleted it before I could reply. Thank you for reaching out, hopefully I haven’t mixed you up with someone else aha.
@@rhysmentalhealth2521dpdr is a issue of traumatic stress. You will never get over dpdr by trying to fix things in your life. I thought the same thing back then while all I was doing was laying my bed 24/7 lol. It is an issue of traumatic stress. I have so much sympathy for you bro I can even give the password for his course lol. It hurts to see people struggling like this when you also been through it and know what causes it why it’s there and how to resolve it. I can even write you on instagram that I have zero connections to him lol. This is meant in the nicest way but if things in your life are the problem why didn’t it work. I also tried antipsychotics, ssris, talk therapy, talking about childhood trauma NOTHING worked. It is essentially “only” extreme stress. You are not even “mentally ill” EVERYONE can or better said will get dpdr if they reach a point of overwhelming stress and exhaustion. It literally pains my heart to KNOW you could get out of it with the right approach. You seem like such a chill dude man :( don’t waste any more time ❤️
@@hallo7475cheers, I appreciate the kind words and you caring mate 💙 It didn’t work because although we all have the same condition, we aren’t all exactly the same meaning it doesn’t work for everyone. I’m autistic, started having panic attacks at age 8 due to the anxiety disorder I’ve had my whole life as well as depression that developed a few years before dpdr, I had episodes of dpdr when I was a kid but it always went away until now. And stomach issues like I mentioned in the video causing me to feel nauseous and be sick all the time which makes relaxing my body hard and at multiple points being extremely underweight to the point of organ failure territory bmi and having seizures from low blood sugar. How long did your dpdr last? Did it take a few weeks/months before you seen improvements with the course?
@@rhysmentalhealth2521I really don’t wanna be that guy that puts every very complicated and serious thing under one umbrella, but dpdr is literally the same every. time. - and for every single person. You can be schizophrenic + dpdr, you can be healthy + dpdr, you can be depressed + dpdr (although dpdr itself is the most depressing shit ever). You can be epileptic + dpdr Dpdr is always the same, we all have the same nervous system. What you describing with nauseau for example, I had exactly the same, I literally could not shit for 2 weeks and I went to every doctor on planet earth. Literally every single one. Dpdr is trauma. Traumatic stress. It’s miles above anxiety. Stuff with the mind will never ever work with dpdr. If you’re in a state of traumatic stress you can’t even think and your memory etc gets thrown off. I had dpdr for 2.5 years. I had it because of a major trauma that happened very sudden and unexpected. Loss of a loved one to be exact. I was so overwhelmed that I turned to hard drugs. Then everything like shattered and dpdr kicked in HARD. I can not even describe the stress I was feeling. It was insane. Then I literally laid in bed for 2.5 years. These should have been the prime times in my life. I don’t have time for too much text, but I recovered in about 4.5 months completely. Because dpdr makes you the laziest piece ever and unbelievably hopeless you really need resilience to do what Jordan says 100% accurately. I swear on my momma and my dog I’m not in any way related to this dude, but he fucking saved my life. Dpdr is literal hell on earth. It DESTROYS everything. Your hope, your ambitions, your dreams, your personality, your relationships. It shatters everything you love, and believe me I know the hell. If I would have done what this dude said earlier and took his course seriously I could have gotten my life back so much fucking sooner. I really mean it when you are interested we could exchange instagram ir something or anything. Nobody deserves to be in this shithole made out of shit for 4 years.
@@rhysmentalhealth2521 hey man, its true that we arent all exactly the same, but the reasons for dpdr and coming out of it are always the same. always. i had depression and went through psychotic benzo withadrawl. Dpdr does not go away automatically or with time, dpdr recovery has a strategic process. Sadly, people have to try different stuff for years until the notice nothing actually works. Like i said, look into his stuff and take it seriously. I can not convince you or people, even tho im desperate bc i know the hell of dpdr and seeing people struggle when the answer is near is heartbreaking. but its peoples lifes and choice and i need to accept that. waiting for you on the other side brother. cheers
