Hello & welcome to my channel, Come with me as I explore my recently diagnosed autisticness age 46 and a bit. In a more broader sense I've had a formal diagnosis of ADHD for over a year now and have known for my whole life that I see the world scientifically (I'm a chemist) and in a way that is too far from the 'norm' not to notice. Those plus other things see me journey through life in a way that is dedicated to the art of paying attention and the practice of being human. More broadly speaking I am a mum to two lovely young adults and wife of Mr Bling, am in a long-standing love-affair with nature (especially mushrooms, hiking and bush regeneration) and enjoy working on our off-the-grid property out west. Thanks for stopping by.
My IQ is average but the evaluators said the number is meaningless since I had so much discrepancy in my scores. My lowest performance was in processing speed and my highest was in verbal comprehension (almost perfect). I also managed to get in the first percentile in one task. 😂
Exactly! And it's propably not even about needing more time...i would say: its about being more interrested and in the intention to be seriously helpful
Recently I started to feel that I am collecting diagnosis. I suspected my neurodivergence for a couple years but haven't really thought about evaluation. But then, after death of my relative the depression came. So I came to a psychiatrist and she started asking me about innatention symptoms. So I made a really deep dive and with a specialist discovered my adhd, social anxiety and suspected autism. Then I treated my depression and C-PTSD showed up. I am so tired, because I don't fully understand cause of some symptoms. So now I am trying to fix my coping strategies and routine before actually explore each and every cause.
-I absolutely love your courage, dedicated to share and collectively learn about the experiential process of self discovering, accepting, and disclosing the past and prior, persistent repetitive, unspoken struggles, that led to an adult diagnosis. This is recognizable for anyone who have survived by minimizing their own experience, in order to avoid exclusion from the people we depend on, in order to develop and secure our interests or attachment bonds. Thank you, for helping so many of us, developing an actual conscious awareness and an actual language, that allows communicating of oneself, in order to authentically connect with others.
I've slowly been coming to terms with the high likelihood that I'm on the spectrum. My autistic partner whom I've recently started dating sees believes that's the case, and I see so much of myself in her. Everything you've said, down to the T, describes my internal mental experience, it's absolutely crazy. She and I were watching a comedy the other night, and while she was laughing and enjoying it, I simply couldn't stop thinking about that socio-political implications and legal consequences of the characters' actions. Yeeeah, I'm that guy. 😬
I’m autistic too, I overthink about what songs are about, I think about my future with some girl, the death of my geriatric grandma, I think about dating in the future, wanting my future GF to meet my grandma, I overthink as an adult my first kiss and romantic relationship, I get negative self talk and rumination, I deeply think and get very quiet, I do get stuck on things especially with the inevitabilities of life(I’m Taurus as well we are known to be stubborn). I overthink about jealousy,lonelineds, and desperation. I think about my book not that much. I am a literalist. I am a serious person alao.
I am currently in a severe episode of AB, myself. Working through it, forcing my employer to accommodate me. AB gets worse, each time, as we get older. I am pretty sure what the next time, I'm going to have to simply get on government aid for disability and maybe quit my job. Suddenly going from what they call 'high functioning' to barely functioning or even able to leave bed some days... yeah, it's not fun. I've been through this too many times.
I agree it gets worse and feel similarly. I am taking life at a slower pace at this stage in the hope I can work with rather than against my brain and body. It's a challenge
You and I are a lot alike. I found a video by you recently and now I'm going to have to watch most or all of them. Thanks for uploading your experiences.
Yeah, I was diagnosed at 35. The worst part was spending the next 6-12 months recollecting and reprocessing my entire life through a new lens to actually make sense of it all. Also, there is a monotropism questionnaire you can take, online. Personally, I score almost the maximum on that test. When I get stuck in a focus loop, I can get stuck for hours, wasting most of an entire day... and it's definitely *not* a choice, at least not for me. Whether I engage something is a choice, but whether I get stuck in a hyperfocus loop or hyperfocus at all is 100% involuntary. Suffice to say, I don't do well with neurotypicals.
The cause why I got a late diagnosis (53) is because my father and my son are so highly autistic and my narcissist/probably borderline mother twistet my perception and my feelings that I haven‘t noticed that I was autistic too…. because she told me (she isolated us) that the people in the outside are wrong, evil and the world is a scary place. I never got any support or company of my parents when I started to live outside (school, friends, study) . As a gen x my father didn‘t get any diagnosis but became addicted… my mother stayed at home most of the time. I got married to a narcicisst man, which made me feel save for a long time. I got three kids… my first born got his adhd at about 9 years .. but when he was 15 I read a novel with an autistic boy and I thought… hmm…? But Nobody wanted to believe me. Then after he also became addicted he finally got his diagnosis.. and he was like my father… but me : I was divorced by then and was used to mask so hard and tried to keep up with life..I got fibromialgia and I started therapy .. got cptbs .. and finally 13 years later I saw it. My father was dying .. I saw all the strange needs the strange behavior of my mother, I met my relatives (which I never met any more since child) after his death and there are so many autistic people too. Same kind of vibe… same traumas… same stigma.. I went back to all my ancestor and covered up layer by layer all the things they went through and why we are what we are: complexed traumtized neurodiverse people… btw I am from switzerland ( no war trauma but a government which wanted to transform all Special and above all poor people to conservative functioning one: the took away the children, and let them work for farmers which abused them in any kind … there was always fear of this, not to be allowed to be different…. I know I live in priviledge country nowadays but this is really a haunting ghost. I am happy that the last three years a big change started to happening and gen z is on to see things different. We x‘ers were here in Europe some silent costumized humans. There were some of us which brought some cultural relovution but not to the deep roots of our history and to our working culture. Gen x positive work was in my oppinion to built up a floor that the next step was able to come true… so as far I can feel now: we must think slower , wider and to the kids that will come next. Of course we created (as mister Musk created a landmark for our gen. by changing twitters name ) also some capitalistic weapon which we hopefully use to connect by helpfull posts and peacefull thoughts. Sorry for this long post…thanks for your channel and you!
This was very interesting. My friend has borderline, but I've suspected she might have autism or ADHD underlying it. I too may have one or the other, but ADHD for sure.
The part about corporate game makes me 🤬. It’s so ridiculous that the system plays this way, the entire thing is based on lies. It happens from the highest to the lowest and back again, a circle of lies feeding into itself. Each little confabulation creating a butterfly effect - no, at least a sparrow effect - all those wings flapping about and creating the exponential growth of turbulence that we all end up suffering in the mess that is today’s capitalist society. It’s toxic all the way down.
Gen x newly diagnosed autistic person here as well, highly highly autonomous with a borderline mother. Talk about pressure cooker family system! Thank you for this wonderful video.
This was very relatable for me. Also Gen X, family/ancestral trauma, and personally a very disrupted life path. This was carefully expressed and very useful, thank you, Amanda 😊 And hope you get well soon!
Thank you, this is exactly the sort of content that is so helpful to me! I have been slowly moving through life noticing these kinds of things and trying to be more considerate towards my loved ones, but it definitely speeds the process along to hear other people’s insights.
I am myself (self diagnosed) autistic. Currently on the list for a diagnosis. I guide clients that are also autistic. A lot of my clients have this “ableist” mindset. They want to be able to do the same als NT people. How to guide them in that? Because I know that thats not going to happen. For them, it feels like they can’t grow, like they can’t accept it.
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. I'm forever grateful for autistic youtubers like you. It means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
what i am about to say will be spiritually liberating. there is a scripture in the bible that say ( and I am paraphrasing) in the book of Matthew. " what comes out of your mouth reveals the core of your heart" so by that biblical logic their shouldn't be a problem taking someone's words literal or serious. perhaps the problem is the person not thinking before they speak regardless if they are joking, being sarcastic, serious or not. its fair game to critique or to ask for understanding after the fact. perhaps the problem is your discernment is revealing their true intentions. " the lips profess whats on the heart at all times according to the bible. and if its not the case then maybe we as people should do more thinking before we speak. but to call it autism is something i will not agree with when the bible tells me otherwise.
Thanks for sharing and yes, I agree and feel that words have so much power and we should choose them carefully. That's why I found your last sentence a little off. Calling it autism may well be a modern word created by our modern world to describe a variance of being human that's as old as time. Language is relational and relationships are dynamic. I believe we are wise to reference the past sentiment to guide current and future actions (as a teacher) but to implement those lessons in real time. Therefore calling how I experience the world and myself (I'm autistic in my relationship with myself and, therefore my 'god' in private too) is right.
Is this within my realistic physical control at the moment? I ask myself that often and also say "i am here st this point in the timeline, so i suppose i was made for these times... may as well figure out what to do by doing"
thank you, very interesting. i think i am an undiagnosed autistic and i very much can identify inwhatvyou said and in monotropism (including the difficult controllability of attention and more " how i am built thing.)
This video did a lot to explain your journey through undiagnosed autism, and perhaps the failure of therapy because it centred on attachment theory and didn't overlap that with an understanding of your autism. Sadly, the video doesn't explain the interaction between the various Attachment Styles and Autism, and how to distinguish when the attachment style is in play, vs the autism. The attachment styles are named 1) Secure, 2) Anxious, 3) Avoidant 4) Disorganized. I don't recall your video using these terms (or alternative terms such as Fearful-Avoidant etc). It seems to me that your understanding of attachment theory is extremely limited. An autistic child might well be being raised by a parent with a Anxious, or Avoidant, or Disorganised attachment style. The questions remaining are, how might each of these attachment styles in the parent impact the sense of self in the autistic child? Which needs will be met, and not met? In the face of being raised by parents of insecure attachment styles, how will the autistic child relate to friends or partners exhibiting the same, or different attachment styles? How might the Autist of each attachment style relate to their own children? None of any of that was covered. So in short, the video did ramble on about your pathway with autism, but really didn't achieve what the title suggested.
It's a video diary vlog where I process my journey as I experience it. Rambling or, Verbal processing as I prefer to call it, is a part of that journey. I do not expect to get RU-vid famous, but I am finding the process is helping me resolve my 'stuck' points.
What the hell is that? A fire in your oven? You UK people are so strange, building fires in an oven for your video. And the stove has a dishwasher? Complex Ptsd generalized anxiety blah blah blah too much, England. Gee, I want to say "grow up", but that isn't it.
"Untuned piano"? I did not understand how you came to that idea. How will it be "tuned" then? I am 76, got diagnosed at 74. ASD- mild. I am a pianist. Not untuned at all. So why did you use this analogy? I am baffled.
Hello. You seem to have a lot of the symptoms as the people I work with. Just worth considering some of your symptoms could be coming from the medications you've taken. It happened to me too.
@@suddenlyautistic that's a medication. Read the label from FDA and you'll see how many crazy symptoms they can cause on top of the autism. Just want you to be an informed consumer.
I am aware that's a medication. Are you aware that it's invalidating to dive in with theories of what's wrong with someone without first asking if they want your opinion. I've not taken my ADHD meds for a while now and I'm still nuts 🙃 .
@@suddenlyautistic As a fellow YT creator, surely you know we all comment things. If you don't relate to what I shared about myself, perhaps just leave it, delete it or scroll. Up to you.
I wish we could pray to have this end… the worst is not being able to “brain.” But not wanting to move or not being able to sleep. You’re just sort of in torture like someone having extended sleep paralysis. I call it Prometheus syndrome… or locked in syndrome or who knows It’s nuts
The hoarding of thoughts… so many screenshots, memos and notes… forwarding videos-- secret understandings and info that can’t be formulated and shared effectively w others. Then I need to clean them out of my mind and computers and phones because they’re clutter and dead weight
I hate this. I don’t care too much to die but there’s not point to existing. Wake up, survive, cry, unable to exercise, desperate for peace and a plan for the day week month year and none- eat sleep hope to wake up w some energy and focus with which to try to build/rebuild a life. I’m fighting so hard to survive each day but waiting to check to the end of my life?!? Wish to come Alive. Work again, run again. Ski. Even have friends be able to keep them or care to reconnect with them. I avoid them unless I’m feeling here. I hate this
Sounds like you really feel quite devoid of hope. Life is a beautiful thing, but we all need a bit of help and support at times to be able to embrace it. Have you access to professional help with these thoughts & feelings
Whoa- me except notndiagnosed Autistic, but there is depression, ADD, chronic trauma, what looks like OCD, but is an attempt to be clear, impose order try to assemble thoughts and collect them and perseveration and inability to filter information prioritize etc. exhausting so I go through passively receiving and trying to actively organize but become obsessive to others and not present or peaceful. It’s crazy and I’m overwhelmed. Don’t know how I’m gonna live with aging parents, they’re not working and I’m not working I’m not sure marriage will ever be an option and don’t know where to start and how to get motivated and have Neemergy at all. It’s. Crazy
I appreciate you sharing on here, it sounds like you are going through lot of inner turmoil on top of whatever else is going on in your life. I often struggle with overwhelm and there have been times when my life has been objectively (factually) excruciating. During those times what's kept me going is self compassion, help from therapists and other professionals, space and time. Then it's been a case of me just putting one for foot in from my front of the other and thinking in minutes or hours rather than days, weeks, months or years
I need this. So dysregulated and disconnected. Have not been back to work since COVID and my life Is getting smaller and smaller. Impossibly scary to go back to anything I was already so troubled in all my life. My everything has changed and I fight to bother being interested in anything these days.
Feel like I should have been an animal if I’m supppsed to have such poor executive function… It’s so frustrating and anxiety inducing… I won’t say how many ways
Yes! Same w my brain.. more like the flow of thoughts… sometimes they blank often I don’t follow others… sometimes too many conversations at once and I think,” Huh.?” With ideas, occasionally I have three at once or goes away before I express it and another comes in then I go back. Other times, I am assimilating thoughts, priorities, executive functions and things disappear like smoke in air.. doctor appt 5:00-7:00 something else. It’s like they’re appearing and disappearing, floating and I’m trying to get them to remain as well as pin them down in a place After that move the pins so you know where they belong exactly. It almost feels like disorganized thinking or schizophrenia but I reckon it isn’t. Crazy. No amount of Prozac pr Vraylar or anything helps that
This makes sooooooo much sense. My entire childhood was like this but my father was such a prick about it that I ended up thinking every step of the way through and through in order to see the nuance.
