Pointing out that the disgust of certain behaviors can indicate which behaviors were discouraged in childhood.... really spoke volumes to me. I remember that when I was young and asked my parents for help with something, I was often told that they couldn’t because they were doing something else, or be scolded for asking at an inconvenient time. I think they wanted to encourage independence and self-sufficiency...but as an adult I am repulsed by “needy” behavior and I have a very difficult time asking for help or expressing my needs because I feel they are not valid or are inconvenient for others. Thank you for shedding some light on an area that needs some attention.
I feel the same. As a child, my Asian mother is very critical of me when I come off as 'childish' even as a child. It seems she has always expected me to act like an adult and would chastise me for being overly emotional. 'Saving face' was highly stressed. She also hate impulsivity and believes that one should only act if it benefits oneself. Hence, as an adult I am disgusted by people who self-sabotage and who never seems to learn from their mistakes. I am particularly aghast when people cry in public. My bestfriend one time cried in public and I felt like I wanted to run from the vicinity.
I get so disoriented when people complain about health, for example. "uuugh, my head hurts. I think I have a fever". And I'm just trying not to run away and not scream "what do you want *me* to do about that?!"
It’s strange cause I’m very needy but I think that’s only recently after being independent for so long. Being needy is seen as suffocating to me. Idk why but I would like having some guy wanting me but there is that ick that I didn’t know I had.
I have always weirdly prided myself on being a calm, stoic, 'unphased' person in situations where others would freak out (even when it is warranted to react). I am now only realising that my calm response may be a result of emotional suppression because strong emotions (e.g. displays of hurt, weakness) were rejected/punished in childhood. I _ want_ to feel, but these strong emotions have been associated with rejection for so long, that I struggle to identify + feel them internally, as well as display them outwardly. I only hope I can learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with people.
Same. I could also never understand how my relationship never hit the ground when I was such an unbothering chilled out self reliant cool girl 🤦😅 bloody hell I'm a DA
Totally agree. I’m amazingly calm in crisis situations, which is very helpful, but it’s definitely because I was shamed for displaying any emotion as a child. I was forced to learn how to override my emotional reactions and stay stoic because anything else was met with extremely negative backlash. This really is very helpful in life, though. I don’t ever lose my temper and I can think everything through before I display my emotional reaction, deciding who and what is safe and good for me. I would not suggest stuffing your emotions down or not letting yourself feel them, but it is nice to always be able to think my actions through before acting. @me turning my trauma into super powers 👌🏼
@@sunbeam9222 "I could also never understand how my relationship never hit the ground when I was such an unbothering chilled out self reliant cool girl" here is a million $ question: would you find an emotional man attractive, a man that is more emotional than you?
I've felt like a sociopath for not crying or feeling as emotionally devasted by things that affect those around me. Knowing this is part of my attachment style is game changer for me.
Kudos to Heidi for letting us know we’re not psychopaths for not being able to feel grief! I’ve watched lots of avoidant attachment videos on the path to healing but you’ve brought up many points I’ve never heard before! I now realize how flawed it is to think that everything is caused and needs to be fixed by me alone.
Also resonates hugely with me, though ironically I _am_ able to feel immense grief whenever my relentless attempts at some creative pursuit fail to meet my own high standards and I'm _forced_ to accept defeat. But things just happening? No fault = no guilt. No guilt = no negative emotion.
@@HonoredMule totally agree. I imagine it’s because it’s a feeling between us and ourselves, if you know what I mean. It’s safe. No one might ever know about it.
@@Elliem32 Good point, but I think of it slightly differently. When you learn to be so self-reliant, the only person you deem qualified to judge you is yourself. But that still leaves you with yourself, and those judgements can be both devastating and unassailable by outside opinions.
I always feel grief in a very very delayed fashion. The worst feeling in the world has beenn on two occasions where I realized I was in love with a girl but my avoidant tendencies and stress at the time made it hard for me to be emotionally available so I pushed her away or let the passion die off. But yeah I always feel like its all on my shoulders and that it has to be that way for my own safety....reaching out for help is too risky....the person I love and trust might go batshit a t any moment.
All those parents who say I will give you a reason to cry if you don't stop crying didn't help. When I fell and was told to get up and be tough. All the times I was pushed aside when I needed help.
This explains my utter disgust of people who seems to self-sabotage. My mother has always been very critical of me and others when they make mistakes. She especially hates it when you repeat a mistake that she has expected you to have learned. She has always been particular of public perception. I was always expected to be put together and to never appear as foolish but what teenager was never at some degree, foolish? As an adult, it makes sense that I dislike people who seems to keep on repeating their mistakes and those who act impulsively.
I don't really write comments but I felt a strong need to express how shocked (?) amazed (?) enlightened (?) I am now that I heard about supressing emotions and acting only on those that seem to be appropriate in a particular situation... I recently experienced a loss of family member and during the funeral I couldn't cry and didn't understand why.. I felt sadness inside but no emotion was visible on my face and I felt really guilty for that happening.. but now I understand what was the reason... I absolutely love your videos, they are so informative and frequently help me understand myself better. Thank you for doing what you do! :)
This happened to me when my grandma died. It was almost as if the event didn't occur at all. Then one day 9 months later something clicked in my brain and I realized I'd never be seeing her again. Even now when I recount the event and even the realization of it many months later, I feel like I'm just relaying emotion, but not actually feeling it.
Me on the other hand the night my father died when i was 14 i slept in my mothers bed after we came back from the hospital i fell asleep and my father visited me in my dreams of course I woke up in shambles and crying and my mother looked at me like I was crazy and didn’t comfort just looked at me weirdly and yelled at me to calm down .. i was already a child in distress previously years before showing high anxiety and depression but no one listened to me because my father was dying of cancer and my mother was caring for him so I learned to keep things inside to not add stress to our family already and also because I’ve always been seen as the “sensitive and emotional” one from my whole family. I was the youngest and me and my siblings weren’t that close. I suppressed my grieving process significantly i focused on never showing my emotions again or letting others know i was sad even when I went through clinical depression addicted to sleeping pills didn’t help that she forced me to go to a foreign country afterwards with the most evil man i ever met to endure years of abuse/poverty and isolation!!! She lied to me about our plane ticket therefore those 3 months turned into 3 years. I’m just now putting all the pieces together after escaping and coming back and healing. I realized how draining and difficult it is to me to have any sort of closeness or any sort of intimacy with others. I feel like ice and very detached from others. It’s actually the quite opposite of what I truly want because all I’ve dreamed of is to have warmness and people close but it seems impossible for me. I’ve never even had a bf in 23 years of living and any boy that comes close i find a way to purposely sabotage it when it gets too close or real. To others I may seem intimidating, cold , detached but inside I’m so fragile and hurt. I have an older sister who’s sorta the opposite even though she has unhealthy attachment to since we grew up in the same house situation after all but she’s much more preferred and liked by others even including my own family/mother because she’s able to connect better and be social. I’m the youngest and when I was really little i was a talkative chatter really curious witty confident child .. that inner child is nonexistent now.
most men don't cry because it produced negative result in the real world. women however cry because it produces the exact result that they want. if the world punished a woman for crying - they would stop crying too. successful adaptation to the world is to recognize what works and what does not work for you. and in the real world men and women are not viewed equally, and never will. a man needs compelling reason to show emotions that a woman does not need any reason to display . . .
The problem with being dismissive avoidant is thinking that you had a normal, happy childhood because you minimise the bad things. I only realised I was dismissive because of the high disgust level and the shockingly low level of emotional awareness that I have.
This is so accurate. I have a repulsion to people pitying / feeling bad for me. For instance when my dad got diagnosed with cancer, I told 1 friend and she went ahead and told everyone we know, I was so pissed that she did that and felt like it was breach of privacy. When he died a year later, I forbid her from telling people and didn't invite her to the funeral because I didn't want to be the object of her pity. I hate it when people tell stories with the intention of me pitying them, it's different from a regular sad story. Hopefully you understand what I mean 😅
I think I was shamed (or maybe even attacked?) for expressing negative emotions growing up, because as early as being a child/pre-teen I distinctly remember being terrified of my OWN negative emotions. Like I wasn't allowed or supposed to feel them, or that I "shouldn't" feel them because "everything in my life (currently) is OK" or that, "all my material needs are met, so I shouldn't be complaining." I knew I had deep reservoirs of rage inside me at any given time, and it scared me - enough to avoid establishing any true intimate relationships. I kept things superficial. I have always been emotionally hyper-independent, and never felt comfortable sharing my true thoughts and feelings (until very recently!). It was a very lonely, isolating existence, but I'm learning and healing now. Thank you for this excellent content.
@@SpectrumOfChange Thank you. I just want to be happy and to enjoy emotionally intimate, fulfilling relationships- like we were always meant to here on Earth! It's been a rough ride, and I have definitely hurt a few people along the way (unintentionally, of course, but still..), but it's getting better now. 😊✨ Awareness is key!
YES YES YES. I cried reading this because I felt every word. I actually grew up with a debilitating anxiety disorder that my parents knew nothing about and they shamed me for it and called me crazy so I suppressed it for years afraid until I grew up and found out everything. I was shamed of my thoughts and feelings .. I was always belittled and made the joke of our family as being the “sensitive and crybaby” one. Being the youngest I took all the punches. After my dad died i became so detached so Ice cold and completely numb to emotions. After my dad died my mother forced me to go live in a foreign country for 3 years (she lied about our plane ticket being 3 months) where i met the most evil man she decided to marry after being married to my dad 20+ years and endured abuse, poverty and isolation every single day … that further damaged me far beyond. Any closeness possible I sabotage it or runaway and that’s in every way. I want.. no i yearn for closeness and being intimate in every way with people and just the warmth because I have never allowed that to happen or never had it in my life. Just like you said it’s a dark lonely place.
I am so sorry@@FaithfulDreamy , noone deserves to be treated that way, at any age. That's an intense childhood to come from, with loss of a parent's life AND loss of trust or any kind of normalcy - such as it was. Wishing you the best with your journey toward warmth and closeness, with yourself and with others. I imagine you have some exceptional skills as well as exceptional wounds - not that they make up for anything! but may they serve you well nonetheless.
This video is very helpful. Thank you! Not only did negative emotions have no value when I was growing up, they had negative value. Crying and anger usually resulted in receiving anger in return. It was very confusing, and what makes it worse is that I find myself repeating that pattern at times now as an adult and then feeling great shame about it. I am very uncomfortable when others express strong negative emotions. For example, I can deal with quiet sorrow or reserved tears from others at a funeral (sorry to be morbid), but loud wailing, over the top crying, and dramatic displays along those lines get me very agitated. I also overtake responsibility for everything. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and take the hits for things I am not actually responsible for. It is all very draining!
I've been on my self-healing journey for 3 years now and I think this may be the first time I listened to an explanation about the avoidant attachment style. I was prepping dinner as I listened and rather quickly felt angry tears rise up. As soon as the video finished, I stopped whatever I was doing and went into my bedroom and cried for half an hour. Damn, I had so much pain inside of me I had been avoiding. I definitely have always felt disgust when others showed weakness or neediness, and have never ever been able to ask others for help or share whatever hardships I'd been going through. So much pain came up in how alone and unsupported I've always felt for as long as I can remember. Thank you so much for explaining about the avoidant attachment style. I see that avoidants get a lot of hate and have seen anxious style people call them "useless, unheal-able narcissists." Ouch. I hope more and more people learn to be compassionate and patient with us avoidants. All my love and gratitude to you Heidi
Yeah omg i always felt i was a psychopath for not feeling emotional or crying at super serious things but then other stuff i see on social media eg i can cry abt Its so weird
This hit home.. i just now realized I have this attachment-style and why it happened and it also stirs something up in me anytime I read or listen to anything about it but makes me cry every time because i know now how it really went down for younger me. I don’t cry at all almost never but this is so different.
I am very happy you mentioned the psychopath thing. I for many years thought I was one for the reason you mentioned and after I learned about the "psychopath riddle" and answered it correctly I was really nervous. I spoke to a dear friend and said "I am really afraid that I might be a psycopath!" She just looked at me and sighed "you are not a psychopath" "How do you know?" I asked, "Because you are sitting here worrying about being one, a true psychopath wouldn't care at all.." That logic was so simple and pure that it removed my fears =)
I definitely used to have the rose-colored view of my childhood. One day I realized I'm a 34 year old socially awkward shut-in who's never been in a single romantic relationship, never been on a single date, don't really have friends anymore, and I spent some years reflecting on how I ended up here. I think it all goes back to my childhood. Didn't know at the time, but my dad had a boss who was making his life at work miserable, and he was bringing that misery back to the home and venting most of it on me. Most of my memories of back then are me sort of walking on eggshells trying to avoid being around him and avoid doing anything that might upset him. One time before I'd learned better, I got in front of him and tried to playfully and probably clumsily invite him to roughhouse with me, I would've been 8 or 9 years old maybe at the time, and he just snapped and slammed me into the wall using the full force of his strength. I went into fight or flight mode and scrambled to my bedroom and locked the door. My mom chewed him out and told him to apologize to me. He knocked on my door, I let him in, and he explained to me that I had attacked him, and he was defending himself. I apologized to him. Probably snapped at me like that because of his own childhood trauma, but I wouldn't have known that at the time (his dad and grandad used to physically abuse him in ways he never did to me thankfully). But anyway, even today I'm terrified of upsetting people, and I go out of my way to be innocuous and inoffensive as much as possible.
Hello Flynn, there is a technique for letting go of past trauma that worked perfectly for me. The complete process is explained in this video: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-xd9vqNYFBS0.htmlsi=xo0T6pGKYKghpRXJ I cannot stress enough how much I recommend it. This content Julien brings is so complementary to Heidi's channel I am impressed I haven't seen Julien being mentioned in the comments... Have a great healing journey! PS: Julien has other videos where he goes through the process with real people on stage. That helps to understand the process by having an instance of the process.
im very sorry that happened to you. you’re comment is already some months old, but i think what could really help you is doing nervous system regulation exercises. your body can learn through somatic experiencing to get out of fight/flight/freeze mode!
I dont think that I was deprived of emotional compassion, but I was praised for being a strong, independent, capable child - and I am still this way... I feel that this 'strong shell that I've created is now too dense, and it takes too long for anyone to break through. When they give up, I continue on alone as I have always done, but I know I am missing out on passions and people who do care about me.
The whole time I watched this video, I was like 'Woah this hit too close to home'. Thank you Heidi for this video. It was very educational and is helping me grow and understand myself better. Thank you
I wasn't brought up in an abusive home, but my dad was pretty gruff. I have a distict memory of being upset about something, then holding my tears in until i made it to my room so I could cry privately. My dad (who had been watching tv when I walked by and want involved) stormed into my room and yelled at me for crying. So....things make sense.
Wow a trait I hate the most in people is when they expect people to help and acknowledge them. My childhood was great in a psychical need sense but I guess it was lacking in a emotional sense. Now I know why I am such a weirdly calm person
Woaw... This video just saved me 10 years of therapy, I feel - the "figuring out what went wrong" part, now I need to unpack everything. Super looking forward to your future videos on the topic, Heidi! Thank you so much!!! It's super interesting to see how everything in this avoidant attachment style theory applies to my own life. Just an example, I got bullied in school and my mindset about it totally is "I defended myself, so I wasn't a victim". And I've always hated the idea (and still do........) that anyone could tell me I was a victim for that. So many other things... I'm an ENFP, I've been in an Ne-Te loop for 2 months, I DID NOT realize I was stressed out until it all exploded in my face violently. I always wondered why I could never feel stress, despite realizing I was stressed after a long while or after a doctor would tell me I was. I think this avoidant attachment style is also a reason why it's hard for me to get over procrastination. Procrastination is when we don't want to face a task that brings up a certain negative emotion in us and oftentimes, I don't even feel that negative emotion! So how can I get over it? I'm just like "why don't I do this??? I don't feel anything besides the fact that I want to perform this task!!!" and then 2 months later I realize that task gave me crazy anxiety because I was putting too much pressure on myself. It all makes sense now. How complex are we, human beings!!! Thank you again, Heidi! So great that you're helping so many people thanks to your content :D You're a wonderful person ♥
I also struggle deeply about made to feel a victim. A previous bf had ( rightfully) told me that what I received in my childhood was abuse. I denied it and got upset with him. I 'm sick right now and people call me, asking how I am doing and of I need anything and I'm so not comfortable with that. Ohhh no I'm fine. Oh it's nothing, it'll pass. Then I throw in some humour and move the topic onto them. And end the convo with nope I don't need anything thank you. I never seem to need anything from others 🤦
She has a gift with words. I dont know how she does it. To use an exhausted cliche, Its not just "on target", but it hits the bullseye ! while listening to her video, my eyes just started randomly leaking!
This sure is my biggest trigger, when I perceive that someone plays the victim. I have low tolerance for victim mentality mindset and now I i know why. Going to work on that. Thank you
I'm fearful avoidant but I lean heavily to the dismissive avoidant side so this video makes a lot of sense. People are way too quick to judge avoidants as uncaring/unfeeling. I get really triggered by people who are dependent. Especially people who often ask for help on anything and get their emotional and physical needs met from other people. It makes me angry and when I asked myself why, it's just like what is said in this video - I didn't and don't have that experience - I am extremely independent even sometimes when I don't feel like it. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to have someone to be there for me. And that's why dependent people make me feel that way.
OMG Not only do I have an avoidant attachment style, but the example you gave with "your money is not accepted" is what has happened to me so often it really fucked me up and how I position myself in the world. I feel thats even more damaging than the attachment syle.
This is eye opening!! Now i understand why i didnt feel sad when my grandpa died and my family was in circle crying hugging and i had to force myself to cry. It didnt register that i was sad and even now when i write about it i feel sad but the moment i feel it i can see that i am activly suppressing that emotion
This has helped me realize why I am so so angry at people who are anxiously attached. I am repulsed, disgusted and angered at the exaggeration of their emotions. It feels like lying, like attention seeking. Especially when they are demanding validation and reassurance from me over it. Its infuriating.
So are you gonna do something about it? You know we don't choose to have crippling depression for attention do you? And why do you even get together with anxious people if you hate them so much? Let alone getting into a relationship with them just to leave them and break their heart? Like cool that you realized why you hate us, are you gonna try to do something about it or nah?
As a fearful avoidant, thank you for this video! Going through major changes and feeling like I had no one to rely or confide in pushed me to become hyper-independent. When I was younger there were some that made fun of my vulnerability and emotions, which led to feelings of shame, perfectionism and telling myself not not show emotions to protect myself from further pain. Now that I am older and have done a lot of work, I can see that there is nothing wrong with having emotions and expressing them in a healthy way. I can't control others but I can control how I feel about my emotions and I choose to honor them. If others choose to make fun, I don't have to cower in silence and retreat. I can now communicate and say "Hey that is not ok, that is hurtful."
I love all your videos! I came here as an INFP looking for advice. But I love all your insight on the attachment styles! Thank you for all your hard work! I always look forward to your videos, they are very healing for me ❤️ ❤️
I'm the oldest of three. Our mom passed away in 2019. It was sad and I did cry a time or two but I got over it. But even years after our mom had passed my sisters were still posting comments on FB about how much they still missed her and how devastated they still were. But we were all grown and they had husbands and children of their own. Why couldn't they just heal and move on from the loss? Then it dawned on me - oh yeah, they're not like me, they're not used to not having their mom around. That made me sad because I realized I was broken in a way that they weren't.
So happy for all the avoidants in the comments who can are even watching this video let alone recognize themselves and comment. You are really ready to heal if as an avoidant you are here
Wow this was really insightful! Thank you so much for making this video it truly resonated with me. I have always struggled with guilt and self blame. One of my friendships blew up because when they hurt me, I immediately started to blame myself in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Which worked, but eventually I started growing resentful because they still hurt me, and they never took accountability for their actions, instead they agreed that it was all me. Anyways that friendship is rotting at the bottom of ocean and I’m glad to be over it but it helped me find my attachment style and start to reflect on my behavior and my internal world and why things are the way they are, so this truly resonated with how the situation went out of proportions. Thank you!
I have a disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style so I feel both sides of the spectrum. And when I’m more on the anxious side it is SO incredibly difficult for me to have empathy for someone with the avoidant attachment. When I’m in my anxious phase, I cannot wrap my head around how someone can be so dismissive of others feelings and brush people off like it’s absolutely nothing and just move on. But then when I’m in my more avoidant phase, someone expressing their needs to me or asking how I feel just completely shuts me down and it feels like my brain has shut off or my mouth can’t even open to express anything. I’m pretty sure I have BPD alongside CPTSD and my black and white thinking is one of the hardest things to cope with because once that process starts it can be almost impossible to stop it until I am more regulated wayyyyy further down the line, which is often too late. Maybe I feel this way because I don’t have enough empathy for myself, knowing that I also have an avoidant side to me? Idk but it’s definitely something I want to work on, just gotta add it to the seemingly never ending list of other things to work on lol.
Hi Heidi, I have just recently discovered your channel and I am simply amazed by the accuracy of your videos on avoidant attachment style, it just feels like you are literally talking about me. I am completely new to this concept, but this might be the most valuable discovery of my entire life, in terms of my self improvement journey. Thank you for the work you put in your videos, all my best
Hmm, my mother has told me "When you got like this (I presume negatively emotional) and I child I would just hold you". I would say I am very much avoidant attachment in style. Even now, not expressing frustration as an adult is more effect than showing it. If I show it (i.e. walk away), now I'm the focus and how do we solve the frustration: you solve it by doing what I told you to do 20 times over already and have been telling you for the last 2 hours since you asked for my help. All emotions add little to no value. What possible value could I gain getting pissed off at an idiot that couldn't do something most 5th graders can do in their sleep? None... There is no value to being sad, there is no value to being happy. You just are, accept it and move one. Emotions for me, are like a city changing the banners on their street lights every week. The street works the same, the light works the same, so what it today the flags are blue and tomorrow they are red? What difference does that make? Work doesn't stop just because I'm sad, I don't get more work just because I'm happy... work just is, and I either show up to do the job or I don't.
I know our attachment styles develop in infancy from our primary caregiver but I think mine was hardwired into my brain through rejection in relationship and friendship. I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt loved, accepted and understood - by anyone. Although I would love to be connected to people, I think it’s only at a superficial level because I’ve learnt to protect myself. A guy at church who likes me said I’m rigid. He also said he’s actually scared to approach me sometimes and I give off a vibe of a CEO. At first I thought he’s insecure and then I began to really reflect and realised he was trying to ask me to be a little nicer to him and let him in. He too could have communicated that better but I respect it in the way it was presented. It’s actually true. He’s a really kind human and I’ve seen him relate very beautifully with other people from our church so I have a level of trust for him.
Woah I found your video just now and if I could give it a hundred likes I would do it. I probably learned more about my ex partner in these 20 minutes than I ever did in the 8 years of the relationship. My mind is blown, thank you!
Heidi...did find my journal!? 😆 Wow! This video is so insightful. Hard relate to so much you described. Thank you for your clear & valuable explanation!
It has been helpful for me to analyze certain of my actions and decisions in relation to my avoidant attachment to gain a deeper understanding of myself and to help me recover from my trauma.
Heidi your videos made me realize how much I am on the avoidant spectrum, but now I find myself in this intellectual excitement about the knowledge and again avoid feeling my feelings... 😂 I wanted to say though that the way you explain things is excellent and so eye opening. Thank you ❤
Thank you for such great content, and its great how you break it all down. I'm learning that it is likely that "we don't know, what we don't know" for a lot of our interpersonal challenges. Thanks again for shining some well defined light on these topics.
Holy crap. I’m 41 yo and have spend somewhere around 15 years trying to figure myself out, I’ve read all the big names in psych, been to cut counselling etc but I’ve never heard it summed up so accurately
Hi Heidi. Just found this presentation. I've been on a long long journey of self discovery and healing and helping others. I've recently qualified as a NLP Practitiiner and studies Neuro Science and brain functionality etc as a hobby and interest for some time. My latest passion has taken me back into Attachment Theory. I've watched a fare few youtube videos and your word choice and delivery has really struck a chord with my new understandment and incite into the subject. I can quite process all the facts as you talk quite fast with so much relevant information coming at me all at once that I have to keep stopping, rewindinging and replaying it to fully grasp every word. Please do not take this as negative reflection of you delivery. Quite the opsite. I am not quick enough to process every bit of information as a whole so quickly. I think what I am trying to say is that I do not want to miss a word you say as and fully understand it as you are soooooo on the money and inspirational. I suppose I could have just Saif...Thank you. I've subscribed for more videos but that would not have done you justice ha! Cheers.
This was so informative! I am an extremely independent person, many times to my own detriment. My sibling was the wildcard in our family so when my parents would praise me for being “easy” I took that and ran with it. I realize now that I’ve spent my entire life finding all the ways in which to never need anyone’s help. 😢
This is so eye opening! Especially the disgust part which has come up in me before without being able to point where it came from. Thanks Heidi so much for your content! Do you offer 1:1 coachings?
I remember very well as a child thinking if I 'm doing everything I can to be good, I will get my needs met ( is that the narrative of an anxious?), which was to feel safe and not get beaten up. I then realised no matter how " good" I am this seems to make no difference I am still feeling unsafe and get beaten up. And I guess that's when I gave up on interconnections and developped a dismissive attachment style
I think it would depend on your dependency on people when it comes to anxious vs avoidant, if your emotions all depend on your partners & close in on the person when they're upset (anxious), VS depending on yourself & pulling away when they're upset (avoidant)
At various times in my life, I've worried that I might be a psychopath, because I've not had as strong feelings about things as it seems I should have. But when reading about psychopaths, it just never fit, because I have plenty of empathy for other people. I only learned about attachment styles in the past week for the first time, and find the avoidant style to match me very well. Looking forward to learning more about it, and maybe figuring out how get more in touch with my emotions
This video explains a years worth of what my therapist missed. She couldn't find the trauma leading to my behaviors and choices. But it's because as you put it, I couldn't see the things in my past that created the now me
This vid is my childhood in a nutshell. I wasn't allowed to be tired, annoyed, sad, or angry. The only 2 emotions I was allowed to have were "neutral" or "happy".
Not only do I definitely have attachment issues, but I also am a quiet type of bpd. Negative emotions were unacceptable in my family. It was exactly the way you described it, I learned that if I expressed negative emotion, I got yelled up or punished. No one taught me how to deal with anger, so I learned to direct the anger towards myself through self-harm. I'm doing much better now BPD-wise, but I am sad that my own emotions are such enigma to me even to this day.
Very well described! It's strange feeling not understanding or knowing how to cope with your own emotions. It feels very unstable. My relationship with God and knowing my true worth, combined with videos like this, are slowly making me whole.
How do opposite insecure attachment styles develop among siblings? Like, if I had the same parents as my sister, how come I'm avoidant but my sister is anxious? With little age gap, I'd think the parenting would be near identical Also, how confident are we that this is established in infants/toddlers rather than later? I had always traced my struggles that now seem related to dismissive avoidance to my struggles in early elementary school
I am avoidant and my older sister is anxious. Our mother has issues with depression and anxiety, plus my sister is extremely selfish. My guess would be that my mothers issues caused my sister to be anxiously attached, that led her to monopolize our mother when I was born, leaving me avoidant.
I am one of 9 children, one of them being my twin. Same parents. We all have different attachment styles. Core wounds are similar. But then I guess our individual mind decided to go for a specific coping mechanism according to many factors as in personality, rank in the family, the dynamic already in place when we showed up etc.
I feel parenting styles fluctuate so frequently when you have parents with some sort of irregular caregiving tendencies or even negative ones. Some parents grow positively & learn, and some get tired & lazy & don't care to change. There's so much at play when it comes to this sort of question, as the oldest my parents were still trying to make it work, so they were very in & out in care, creating my anxious wound. My middle siblings had much more divided dismissive stressed parents, post 2008 situation, my sister is more avoidant, my brother is more anxious, they have varying personalities though. My youngest brother, split parents, no father, mother hitting her 40s and experiencing independency for the first time in 20 years caused her to be very turbulent in new relationships & home presence, my youngest brother is pretty avoidant, like my sister. Pretty crazy.
The explanation of this character represents me perfectly. I am very cold. I find emotional girls who cling to their relationships with young men disgusting. I cannot console anyone who cries, and I feel a desire to laugh when I face this situation . I despise people who cry or complain a lot and I feel like I don't want to hear them
All of this is so spot on! You haver just described a big part of me that I have never been able to put into words - thank you! I always thought of it as me being "clever" with my emotions. Heat, but NOT heart. Almost as if my heart had to push it's way forward and fight for it's right to be there... because it IS there :) very much...just...delayed.
Well, this style makes me a very stable and strong person. I really appreciate it. The big disadvantage is that I can hardly feel closeness. Closeness means making myself vulnerable. But that fuels my fear of losing control. Who is trustworthy enough to give up control when it wasn't even my parents? - We love Rambo, who always gets up and keeps going. He can only do this because he trusts no one but himself. His longing is to find the place where he no longer has to do that.
Good grief, you described me perfectly. I had a wonderful mother, but by the time I was born she was dealing with a bipolar husband and three active older brothers. I absolutely had to be a good little girl and I can even remember trying to be a comfort to my mother. She had health problems and dealing with the chaos around her (which she did extremely well) was overwhelming to her at times. No wonder I could not stay married. My husband probably thought I was a Stepford wife.
Tbh I feel like a lot of blame tends to be placed on parents, but kids spend pretty much as much time in school as they do awake at home, so these attachment styles can develop through interactions in school as well. I’m a dismissive-avoidantly attached person because: 1. I was sickly-ish with stomachaches happening out of the blue every couple of months. My mom got tired of me having health problems and blamed it on me (for wanting to eat fried food, for example). I learned to withstand the pain alone, as much as possible, until my mom found out (because the pains would make me unable to move properly and for hours). 2. In school, we were indoctrinated to look after ourselves and take care of those younger than us, while trying to cause as little trouble for the elder kids / teachers. I was painfully aware of how much trouble I caused people when I had stomach problems in school, so I also tried to calm them down alone in the bathrooms (but I’d eventually be found out because I was late to class or taking too long of a bathroom break). Yeah my bad health record pretty much single-handedly developed my avoidant attachment, ig lol I wouldn’t be surprised if other chronically ill peeps had a similar development. I still don’t tell anyone when I’m in pain, though I’m considering relying on my bf because he’s told me he’d like to be a support to me. I’m just afraid that I’ll be sick “too often” and tire him out too…
Woow this really hit me. I do feel disgusted a lot of times when people complain or need a lot of support , reassurance or validation , and yes, I was never allowed to complain or cry. I don't know what being validated or reassured feels like and never thought I needed it. I'm terrified of complaining or communicating that I need something or that I'm not happy with something. I have done a lot of work and I can communicate more now but I'm still terrified when I have to do it. Also, I do blame myself for everything. I take responsibility for how people treat me and how they feel. I'm working on it but still need a lot more work to do.
The distinction that you make between repressing (our own) feelings versus having no feelings is so exceptionally valuable. Additionally, the distinction that you make between intentional neglect and unintentional neglect but both having the same consequence for the child when his or her perception is simply ‘neglect exists ’ is also extraordinarily valuable. Put another way, parents don’t need to attempt to harm their child through neglect in order to do so. In fact so many parents neglect their children because in order to survive in the society they cannot attend to them while making ends meet.
I would frequently withdraw from a family situation or in a classroom when I felt like I wasn’t being heard, seen or validated. I was labelled a “sulker” but I didn’t know how else to manage my emotions. So nobody saw them. I still find myself shutting down in a conflict situation, although I have developed authority injustice anger issues due to my poor Relationship dynamic with my father. He was depressed, avoidant, narcissistic, and cruel.
It kind of hurt listening to all these possible causes and relating to more than one of them. I need to heal because I do often need a lot of things but everyone around me just assumes I'm very independent and self-reliant. And I admittedly enjoy being viewed that way.
Have you done a video on the damage done by caregivers giving you the silent treatment? Would love to hear your take on it. It's the most damaging thing from my childhood, along with all the rest in this video.
Hey! :') A couple of questions: 1. I have most of the avoidant attachment style symptoms (big on the disgust, etc) & relate to that waaay more than the anxious/secure/disorganised. HOWEVER, very attentive parents in my early caregiver years. Are there other ways this can develop? (Had a very blissful 0-11 years life. Teens were a bit more rocky, but everything I come across says this develops in early childhood so...what gives? 2. I see How to Do the Work in the background! Have you finished it? Would you recommend? 3. PLEASE do a video on how to heal from avoidant attachment ps. Loved your recent vid on shame, sooo good! Your videos are the ABSOLUTE BEST when it comes to attachment theory and the most amazing resource I've found. It's helped me reflect and apply and change so much. THANK YOU. I even sent your videos to my therapist. Your knowledge and breakdown is SO clear, and so in-depth. I'd be curious to know what you read/study/etc, that gives you such an amazing insight? I find it 90% better than any other psychologist I've watched on YT (even ones you've mentioned yourself) Keep doing this, it's seriously so good xx
This is the stuff that I am working on now.. I am trying to apply it to the IFS approach.. So it would be allowing parts of myself to be angry.. Also listen to what those parts are saying..
🥹💔wow … so much insight and validation in all of your work here, Heidi! ❤️🩹🥰i appreciate all your work so much! (Although i find i am more of a ‘healing fearful-avoidantly attached’ person … I find so much value in continuously discovering more about ALL of it! 👏😚💓 thank u 🙏 once again!
i find a lot of truth to this, i've been known to jokingly say i'm allergic to asking for help, i'm healed enough to mostly tolerate other people reaching out (though ideally i or someone else would be attentive enough to offer help to begin with) anyone suggesting i not only require help but should actively go seeking it???? urgh blehff eww no brr i just hate the thought
I clearly remember being around 3 or 4 years old and throwing some sort of tantrum over some food I didn't want to eat. My father simply stood up and threw the ice water he was drinking in my face. I'm 39 years old and the details are fuzzy but that feeling is still clear. Neither my dad nor my mom have ever hit me but that did something if a still remember it 35 years later. No need to said but I dont tell nobody nothing. I broke with my wife because it feeled wrong that she love me more than I loved her. I know I'm gonna die alone and that looks fine to me. I feel not need to change and maybe thats the problem. Probably nobody care about this post but maybe some else learn something.
I had to work on myself not to become enraged or disgusted by what I thought was spoiled children. I had so much lack growing up and I wasn’t allowed to complain that seeing kids act entitled really bothered me. I realized what was up with me years ago and worked on it tho.
I know this is exactly what I have and I realize I have had a habit of putting myself in dangerous positions to see if I could get a reaction from the people around me to see if they loved me.
do you have a video on the spectrum of avoidant attachment style? i wasn't allowed to display any kind of emotions - positive or negative. i was rejected for showing them. i actually had no idea that emotions were important (and real) until my late 30's. my emotional needs were never met, so i learned to give up, not ask, not acknowledge problems. the only way that i didn't get yelled at/criticized was when i was passive. this impacted my ability to have interests and likes. i wasn't allowed to have those either.
I still work on myself, my self child I now validate, show compassion and love my child adult self. I forgive my parents and have an understanding and empathy for them. They did not heal there know childhood traumas.
The only time I can remember crying in front of another human despite even crying was back in 5th grade , Something with my moms illness happened and I broke down in my teachers office , Now whenever I try to express my emotions or even verbalize them she dismisses them and calls me “dramatic” or a big “brat” when I express any type of negative anger , She always blames it one me and it just makes me angrier , What makes me confused is how she can act like nothing happened a few moments later while I’m still angry
My parents say I had bad tantrums as a toddler which they couldn't deal with and if it was too bad they would let me calm down in my room. Then they couldn't understand why I kept everything bottled up as a teenager.
