10 Signs You May Have An Anxious Attachment Style 

10 signs that you may have an anxious attachment style: 1. You are constantly trying to feel 'good enough'. 2. You are an 'intimacy junkie'. 3. You feel more committed (or like you 'love more') than your partners. 4. You tend to suppress your needs in order to not be abandoned. 5. Your conversations tend to rotate around relationships. 6. You tend to 'overthink' in relationship. 7. When you are single you sustain yourself on fantasies. 8. You strugge to set and keep boundaries. 9. You tend to put your partners on pedestals. 10. You are preoccupied by what others think of you.

"We needed fantasy love to sooth the pain of having no real connections." One word: Ouch.

“We can build this house very slowly because I have somewhere else to stay in the meantime” that hit me.

You have rightly spoken about anxious people taking a break from relationships, after feeling overwhelmed with all the feelings we do wish to take some time out and relax.

I scored 100% on this test! A+ 😂

God I’m so sick of being hurt in relationships and putting in so much effort to get minimal back. I’m just feeling so low right now after this last breakup. I wish I could get some relief and eventually find someone who will just love me and put in effort

That's so crazy. I knew that I had an anxious attachment but one element of it that I was not conscious of was living in fantasy. I am currently single. And I have chosen to remain single because dating sucks. However, I do compensate for that alone time with my fantasies. My relationship life is the bomb in my head. I am getting all the love, affection, and great sex in my fantasies. Like porn got nothing on my dreams. However, as Heidi mentioned, I find myself preoccupied with the desire to be in a relationship, so much so that I want to make my fantasies into reality. So technically, I am never really single because I am in a relationship with my fantasies. I definitely need to work on breaking that habit. Thanks for the info.

Thank you! At 73 years I have discovered that anxious avoidant is me. A couple of years back my husband of 48 years passed (it was a happy marriage). The loneliness has been very painful. I now know why I suffer so much more than apparently is normal. It is a great help.

Thumbs up if you’re anxiously attached to Heidi’s videos 👋

Dang, this got more and more real the longer she talked. I feel like she was reading from my journal at a couple of points 😂

My ex-partner has a very typical avoidant style, and even though we didn't understand too much about attachment theory back then, we had a very open communication. He was the one that made me notice I would usually rely on him for emotional regulation and that I would panic when I was on my own. When we broke up, my whole emotional world collapsed cuz I had no clue as to how to self-regulate. I'm on that path now, still attracted to avoidants, tho, even in friendships, but trying to become more responsible of my own emotions and reactions and trying to teach my body that I can be my own secure place. My next steps are trying to travel solo and trying to find more anxious friends, too, to learn to deal with the emotionality of other ppl. Let's keep healing :)

I was thinking that I was fearful avoidant because some of the anxious attachment stereotypical’s characteristics do not apply to me, but this video makes me understand them. I thought I couldn’t have anxious attachment because I’ve been single most of my life, my now I can tell I was fantasizing with someone all this time. Thank you so much for this Heidi.

“Hussle for worthiness” - that hit 🙏

I’ve seen so many videos on anxious attachment but this one I could relate to deeply on a different level. Thank you!

UMMMMM ...just got my ass handed to me on all 10 points - very, very empathetically. THANKS HEIDI!

Check, check and check! I have just stumbled across your page and am currently binging all of your videos on anxious attachment style. I literally mentally checked off every point in this video 😅 After 38 years of winging life, I have only recently come to the (exhausting but relieved) conclusion that I am, in fact, a textbook anxious attachment style. So much of what you say in your videos has resonated with me and whilst it’s daunting to know I have a lot of work to do, it’s actually a relief to know that one, I am not alone in how I perceive the things I do and two, I can heal. I have recently met someone who, for the first time, actively wants to support me in this healing process. But with having this attachment style, it is also worrying to be so open and vulnerable with someone when you feel they may leave when you show them the real you. I am lucky that she reassures me and wants to work through stuff with me, but I know a lot of it is stuff I have to work through myself and whilst I work through it, will she want to hang round 😅 It’s almost like a vicious circle. I have been living with this anxious attachment style for so many years now that it feels so engrained in who I am as a person and what my personality is - I almost feel like I have just become this person with this attachment style and nothing can help me now. When I came out of a previous relationship that left me completely broken, I decided to spend a couple of years working on myself and it helped to a certain extent. But not knowing I had this attachment style meant I hadn’t actively worked on the areas that could lead to a more secure me when in a relationship. And unfortunately, my anxious attachment comes out the most when in a relationship so, it has only been the last few months where I have started to understand why I react to certain situations, and behave a certain way to my partner. For a long time I worried I’d never be secure in a relationship, but seeing your videos and learning where this has come from over the years has given me a glimmer of hope that I can move towards a secure attachment style. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you…there is plenty more I could say but for now, I am off to watch more of your videos and continue my journey to a more fulfilled and secure woman 🤞🏼😊

Overextending yourself is a great way to describe that. I hyper fixated on her and overextended myself to a point where I could never maintain that level.

That last one really resonates with me. I can't remember a time when I didn't care deeply about what other people think of me. I thought that if I become better then I'll feel better about people not disapproving of me so much. Makes me such a perfectionist. I struggle to be what I think is 'normal' and feel like a fall short over and over again

I was essentially read filfthy by every one of these points LoL. I had flash backs all to my last year how it was show cased in relying on another person, the fantasies, seeking comfort outside... Honestly, it was my research and look into boundaries paired with the phrase "I'm not okay, you're okay" that keyed me in to 'Yeah I'm probably anxiously attached."

I broke up with my girlfriend last night. We had a disagreement New Year's eve and I became very obsessed with fixing it and felt her pulling away. Rather than giving her time to cool down from the situation I kept pursuing and pushing the issue. We both have work on ourselves and her unresolved problems had become a ovrrthought for me. I knew there was an issue with me. I just didn't know what it was until I came home and turned on the TV and seen this video. I'm not going to say we wouldn't have broken up if I seen thus earlier but I now know what to fix in me. I'm a bit happy that I can step back and let her work on herself (If she chooses to) while Iwork on myself. One day, perhaps, if I see her putting effort in her issues and feeling I have addressed mine We can get back together. Nearly a year together and it was mostly the best experience I've had. Thank you very much for this video.

I'm an ENFP and I have secure attachment, but I feel it's important for me to learn about different attachments. Especially when looking at a some toxic friendships in retrospect, I can definitely see how my lack of knowledge of this caused me to be so confused with how they acted. They didn't realize that what they were doing wasn't healthy, and I was trying to figure out why the heck I hated being around them. However, videos like these clarify things a lot. My former friend constantly needed reassurance that she was "deserving" of love and respect, and I often felt smothered because she relied on me being around so much. I like hanging out, but I need space to do my own thing. I did, in a way, feel like a mom. I wish I would've known what I know now about attachment, so I better could've understood what was happening.

It feels like you know me better than I do. This video is an accurate description of myself! Thank You!

Hi Heidi, I really appreciate your videos. I’ve been struggling for a while and now that I’m in my 50s it’s nice to see why I struggle it’s interesting that both my ex-wife of 30 years and two past girl friends have been most likely avoidant attachment style. it’s a bit daunting to realize, just how much work I have to do this late in my life, but as they say the first step to solving a problem is to recognize the problem. So thank you very much for your videos and wish me well on my journey to be coming more secure in my attachment style.

Oh my word....I knew I was anxious attachment but what you described is all totally me!! I seriously need to work on fixing this and being better aware

I have an anxious attachment style. One thing that feels like it’s missed when talking about this is, although unhealthy & anecdotal, that the unhealthy attachment styles are largely accurate/pragmatic views of how to cope. It’s developed early and then reinforced through decades of unhealthy interactions, even with a healthy attachment.

I realize it's been a year since you posted this, but I found it at the PERFECT time for me. It's like you were talking directly to and about me during this whole video. I've been at my wits end with a relationship I've been in for a year now, and it isn't him, I knew that, but now I have true knowledge that it's me and maybe now I can work on and fix it!

I had a feeling I might have an anxious attachment style because of my fear of abandonment and caring too much about what others think of me. I really appreciate your content on this subject! I don't doubt it will help me understand myself better, and build a better relationship with myself and others.

You’re sent from heaven. Thank you for all the work you’ve put into this. The most insightful and specific information I’ve heard on Attachment styles

You are great at breaking things down and stating examples of each of these issues. Amazomg teacher! Thank you for what you do

It makes such a difference the way these are presented. Before finding your channel I've read and heard some about the attachment styles but it never sparked true curiosity. It's like a difference between hearing a short "my day went well/badly" and living the whole day. Your words activate things viscerally ! I am so grateful you are doing this! Thank you!!!

I was already on a healing journey when I met someone who is wonderful but instantly started setting off all kinds of triggers that weren't warranted. Luckily, I had already found your channel

wow thanks Heidi, I was today years old, when I found out that I USED to be anxiously attached! I have become more "secure" now but some of these traits still linger in me. Also I have your book! Im ENFP 4w3 social :). Your videos are amazing! and I can't believe you dont have way more subscribers !

wow thank YOU for enlightening me. I am just starting my attachment style self-journey and I'm realizing this is ME from start to finish. Thank you for giving me the vocabulary so I can keep learning, growing, and healing

I cannot believe how on point this is!!!

Woah I am so anxious I didn't even realize it! Thank you, Heidi for the clarity. The overthinking one and the one about focusing on relationships in my conversations were the real eye openers.

Thank you for this great video, showed me a lot. I've ticked maybe all of the boxes and it feels relieving. Now, when I understand what's wrong with my attachment style I can continue working with my psychotherapist towards forming a secure attachment style. It's a real gift of universe and algorithm to stumble upon your videos, I only wish I've stumbled on this earlier!

Thank you for this video. I've always known about my anxiety, but never have I truly understood what it meant. I so want to be there for my significant others that I forget to fulfill my needs most of the times. I'm dating an avoidant now, and it all makes sense. I've started a journey of self discovery with a therapist and these videos are helping me much ❤

As an INTJ, I might have related more to the avoidant style when I was a teen. After going through friend trauma in college, I have realized I’m an anxious style through and through. It moreso applies to making friends rather than my relationship with my partner because for the most part I feel secure with him and don’t doubt he loves me and wants to be with me. I’ve always struggled with making friends but after having a big falling out with my college friend group, I’ve felt so empty and lonely for so long. It’s nearly impossible for me to really connect with people and making strong meaningful connections unless I feel like I really click with them within the first few meetings with a new person. The couple of rare times I’ve seen potential in a new best friend over the past couple years I’ve ended up seriously hurting my own feelings by putting them on a pedestal and expecting them to put as much effort into getting to know me as I do with them. Through therapy I’m learning to be more honest and upfront about my intentions and some of my experiences with new people who I see potential friendship with. I’m learning to give people their space and not expect too much out of them while not pushing them away because of my needs not being met immediately/constantly.

Just got out of my first, terrifying relationship and was anxious the whole time (she turned out to be an ISTJ, I'm an ENFP). Now I need to understand and heal myself. I have an anxiously avoidant style (displaying all traits that you mentioned) and I want to be better for my next relationship. Thanks for the content !

I need MORE videos please on this topic!!! Thanks so much Heidi! xx

I am Avoidant. Here to learn how the other-side's people work/feel/process... Thanks, Heidi.🙏

WOW!!! Thank you so much Heidi ❤ I'm so grateful for RU-vid. I watched a video from another 2 days ago and took a quiz... definitely anxious attachment style. I live in no delusions of who I am or how I feel always so I actually assumed that's what it would be. I had no idea the depth of that truth!!! 💔💔💔😢😢😢 I wanted to cry. I think I'm all but one out of your ten!!! If I dig deeper I'd probably hit that mark as well. I've struggled my entire live, since 11 yrs old..that's about as far back as I truly go because of trauma. I am now 43 and had no idea this is how I've been surviving... definitely not living when life is like that. It hurts my heart but also gives me hope!!! Thank you so much!!!!❤❤❤❤

You have an amazing way to explain these attachment topics that makes sense and relatable

Incredible how good this video is. I theoretically know quite something about the styles, I also know that I'm the anxious one, but still this is so surprising accurate and clear. Thank you!

You are a beautiful light. I am so pleased to have found your channel! I am definitely conditioned as an anxious attachment type but can see how self awareness work and years of healing has already made a difference. Looking forward to learning more from you and improving my relarionships. Thank you so much xx

Gueezus! This is me. Omg I thought this was normal. I have all of these I had no idea it was unhealthy

Even though this video was made two years ago…I found it right on time. I’m currently healing from a divorce and finally realized my anxious attachment style and how it’s impacted all of my relationships. I was getting ready to repeat the same pattern and thank goodness found this video! Time to continue with healing.

I just came across your content, and its one of the most comprehensive and relatable content I've heard. and I've looked far and wide. THANK YOU.

unbelievably generous and helpful .. thankyou

Omg these are me to a T!!! Wow Heidi you really know your stuff, it’s incredible!! I feel so seen and understood ❤

Interesting how both Avoidants and Anxious types choose a “fantasy” type of engagement. Heidi you are amazing! 🤗❤️‍🩹

I def get the constantly trying to be good enough; I do that through attempting to be extremely useful/helpful. I have since I was a kid. I over think all relationships to some degree and am terrified of abandonment. I also put people on pedestals. However, there usually is a point in my romantic relationships or intimate friendships even, that I eventually feel like TOO CLOSE. This is TOO CLOSE- MOVE AWAY SILENTLY Like, I have the intense urge to ghost people and feel suffocated for no discernable reason. It makes me feel nuts.

WOOOOW YOU ARE SO SPOT ON ABOUT THIS ATTACHMENT STYLES

Thank you for this video, knew I was different but today you've made it all make sense and now I can start to try and heal and build healthier friendships.

Wow! This is sooo insightful. Everything you talk about is me to a T. Thank you for your clear yet compassionate way of communicating and presenting this pertinent information.

Now I understand myself better and I'm more conscious of what am I doing wrong. Thank you Heidi 😊

I definitely do number no.4 and 1 !! Many of these signs apply to my relationship with myself. Explains how i relate to my inner emotions and fantasies. This could explain why i sought out escape through video games, fantasies outside of myself coming from people's imagination and not my own. Because my own fantasies trigger strong emotions inside of me, and i have never been at ease with feeling these emotions. So i kept myself distracted and busy, never realizing how badly i need to be on my own with myself. Deep breathing has helped me overcome this anxiety of fully feeling things, now i can be more in touch with my inner world and do proper Fi work! An INFJ i met on twitter even sent me a book on boundaries, somehow understanding i need to look into this.

I really got into attachment styles in the book Polysecure. I find all of this so interesting and I am very grateful for these videos ❤

Brilliant analogies, well done. Looking forward to listening to more of your insight.

I recognised I was struggling when I ended a 4 year relationship for the 1000th time because I blamed him for not helping me feel more secure, wanted, heard and loved and he was saying ffs I'm doing all I can and it's never enough. But I believed in a fantasy that he was more rich emotionally than he wanted to show me. But I was misinterpreting his connection with me as not being good enough, because it never met my fantasy of what his potential was. It was your videos alone that confirmed for me I am textbook anxious attachment with some elements of avoidant in there also. One thing I now know for sure, I am not secure. I need work.

1. Constantly trying to feel good enough. Hustle for worthiness. To be worthy of love. Overextendimg self for other people. 2. Intimacy junkie. Feels stressful to not understand what someone's "deal" is. Feels like being fascinated by people. But super uncomfortable when people don't want to get close. 3. Feeling you're always a little bit more committed than your partners are too you. Giving more, loving more. Mistake stoicism for maturity, end up with avoidant attachments style. So much bandwidth sucked up by where the relationship is at, where it's going, constantly working on the relationship. You aren't living more than a secure attachment, you're loving more obsessively. 4. Early on you'll suppress your own wants and needs unconsciously. Then bring them up later on, causing conflict. 5. Your conversations rotate around relationships. Emotions and relationships are your life not a part of your life. Talk and think a lot about relationships. 6. Overthink/overinterpret what your partner is thinking and feeling. Detective skills honed in childhood attachment trauma. Constantly on guard for the worse. 7. When single or feeling distant from partner, tend to sustain yourself through fantasies about relationships. Think about beautiful perfect loving relationship when your needs aren't being met. 8. Struggle to set and keep boundaries. Rely on other people to help you feel regulated. Or can set but struggle to keep due to fears. 9. Constantly putting ppl on pedestals then getting frustrated. Fantasy of perfect person who can meet all your needs. Eg assuming rich emotional inner life we assume about an avoidant person. 10. Spend more time thinking what other people think of you than what you think of you.

Wow! I accidently found your channel and I'm hooked, learning & healing. Thank you!

Thank you Heide youve just basically explained some sides of me to the letter and now because you understand me so well I am in love! haha, but seriously THANK YOU for this video

These were progressively more and more spot-on for me. Scary feeling. At least now I know!

1. You are constantly trying to feel 'good enough'. - YES 2. You are an 'intimacy junkie'. - Not sure 3. You feel more committed (or like you 'love more') than your partners. - YES 4. You tend to suppress your needs in order to not be abandoned. - YES, and I've been accused of pretending to me something I'm not in order to "trap" someone 5. Your conversations tend to rotate around relationships. - Not sure, but I think so 6. You tend to 'overthink' in relationship. - YES, I've been accused of being paranoid and crazy 7. When you are single you sustain yourself on fantasies. - YES, though I can count on one finger the length of time I've been single 8. You struggle to set and keep boundaries. - I think so, but I'm not even sure if I have boundaries 9. You tend to put your partners on pedestals. - YES 10. You are preoccupied by what others think of you. - YES I'm in the process of divorce (I think from an avoidant attachment) and realizing some of this, though not expressed with this much clarity. I did come to the conclusion that I need to find my own self worth and stop looking to someone else to give me a sense of worthiness.

Bingo! You are a genius. All 10 signs are spot on. Thank you.

This video explained me nearly to a T and I wish I knew about this sooner so I could heal before I lost someone who meant everything to me

You are so easy to learn from and I really have been learning allot from you….thank you😇

I feel like I morphed from an anxious attachment style to an avoidant style. Both of these have caused tons of problems for me.

I already knew before watching this that I have an anxious attachment style, but the point about being focused on my relationships really helped me understand why I react certain ways. Coming out of a church tradition that told women that our husbands and children were to be the most important things in our lives really only fed that obsession. We were only "good Christian women" if we put priority on the relationships with our kids and husband.

Wow you just showed me the next step towards healing and healthy relationships, a concept I still don’t reach after years of working on myself. I had to start by learning to control violence as problems were resolved by physical, emotional and economic abuse during my childhood. Even learning the multiplication table was done by physical punishment by a drunk father. Thank you for the video, I will work on this again as I tend to fantasize during my alone periods however I cant reach a calm state but only for short moments.

💯 on point! It’s scary accurate!

Thank you for posting this. This has helped me quite a bit.

Best video I’ve seen on this topic! Thank you. I now know 100% this is me! I feel relieved to put a name to it so now I can really work on it.

My partner sent me this video to watch as we're both dealing with some self-improvement. I watched it knowing I was likely to cry. I managed to get to point 7 before that one just... hit me like a truck. You're right. The whole video made sense to me, it clicked into place, but point 7 was more of a sledgehammer. I've always had a vivod imagination, especially as a child, because I /needed/ to as my parents were just... not great... so this made a lot of sense, thankyou

Wow this is so me! Except the young child part

I thought I had an avoidant attachment style because I dislike showing and witnessing strong emotions, but your video has listed every behaviour type I engage in and I have to reconsider what I'm going to do to help myself

Wow. You explained so much about me

Apparently I'm anxious except I do set boundaries, and they "friends" or undefined courtships do leave. And ive been 20+ years not in a relationship, so I usually almost always self regulate. So like always I don't fit into boxes, maybe im Fearful Avoidant but than again I don't match all of those traits either. I know im a good person, and im in touch with my emotions, I feel them, and yes sometimes overwhelming.

These are incredibly helpful!! 😊

Wow! This explains so much!!!

When I found out that i have anxious personality style it helped me understand myself and why I was dating women that have an avoided personality. 😮‍💨

This is definitely me. Thanks for this great video.

Seems some things I think are right and others not. Still trying to work it out. Thank you for your help. 😊

Like what you're saying a lot!! I was thinking you could become my fulltime therapist for a year or so until you quit being my Dr is place of being my full-time lover and life partner. Pretty sure it would be perfect! ;)

I checked off 10/10. And this is how i came to realize im anxiously attached. After taking a several years break after a failed 7 year relationship a girl came to me and told me everything i ever wanted to hear. That i was special, that i was a great man, that i deserved love, that she wanted to have my baby. I was hesitant at first but since i have no boundaries i soon believed everything she told me and then became completely lost and empty when whe pulled away. The feeling was unbearable and i questioned why i felt i was going through hell. Researching insecurity led me to attachment theory and taking a survey and then reading the results blew my mind. It all made sense. My childhood trauma, the behaviors dince then. Its been a very painful journey to healing but the alternative was to live a lonely and frightened life. Im still working on it but i have friends now, i have a support system, and i still hear from the girl who caused me so much pain from time to time but im trying to keep my distance. Maybe i shouldn't, i dont know. But most importantly i have direction and hope. Also, im reading ad many books as i can get my hands on such as "anxiously attached". Thank you Heidi for all that you do. ❤

It's kind of relieving to know that i have a problem and what that problem is. Now i know what i need to work on. I never knew why i am the way i am.

❤ this one and that 'was' still somewhat is me...on the path to secure.

I feel like I used to have an anxious attachment style when I was younger and still do with friendship, but I believe that now I have more an avoidant attachment style, specially with romantic relationships

Ugh me at every point...and in a relationship with an avoidant makes so much sense...

Well, I think you just explained almost everything of my love-life issues. 😂 Excellent. And thank you! 🙏

Called out, again. Good job!

Love your videos. So informative and spot on. 🙏🏻

Excellent video, Heidi. Great points!!

Wow wow 😯!!! Very well explained. I love the way she described me lol, that’s me!!! I can’t believe it!! All she said that is how I am😩I never couldn’t understand why Am the way I am, I didn’t have a name fur my behavior!! Here it is Anxious attachment 🥺How can I change this anxious attachment??

I was expecting to be avoidant, if anything, given that I'm a male, but after watching this and thinking about my last relationship I was really surprised by how much of this hits directly home.

I'm a recovering avoidant who was last in a relationship with a very anxiously attached person. This was so accurate that I signed up for therapy again today. 😆

I never thought there was an issue with my attachment, I always deflected and put it on the other person. After three failed relationships, I finally see that I’m not more secure I’m just an anxious problem solving/creating kind of person. I’ve dated anxious and avoidant people. The most toxic relationship I had was with someone more anxious than me. But after losing my most recent relationship with an avoidant, I see how my lack of boundaries and hyper focus pushed him away.

Figured out I was anxious attachment because my parental figures would meet my needs very unpredictably. Sometimes they were the best, other times very cruel and dismissive of my needs. I became very self-reliant for this reason, ‘saving’ myself during an eating disorder.

Am I doomed to fail? Anxious attachment style, ENFP, ADHD...