#4 Cycle of Insecurely Attached Relationships (Codependency & Love Addiction) Part 4 

Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RU-vid. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RU-vid. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

ouch, I definitely do so many of the things mentioned here and I didnt even realize it. I do it "nicely" and I sound intelligent and composed while doing it as to make it appear healthier than it is.

After I realized that my ex and I were both emotionally unavailable this happened and IT IS super painful. I started to feel like a mom to him. Change didn’t happen and we broke up after a few months of this never ending cycle. Now I am working on myself and healing. My goal is to be securely attached :)

WOW. This video is a masterpiece. So many incredibly deep points. Thank you so much. I will watch it again and again to absorb the content!

I've been silently watching all of your videos for months and it finally dawned on me to say THANK YOU for your videos. You are so wonderful and magical and insightful. The way you explain these ideas and concepts so clearly and in such accuracy, and detail, and with such compassion is a gift you have. It's really special and thank you for sharing it. Thank you so much for these videos and healing and for your community online and the work you do. I've been watching your videos for months and still manage to be blown away by the insight on each one I open. You are a treasure :)

I honestly can't believe you just explained the story of my last relationship. Even down to googling his personality traits and labeling him a narcissist! This is life changing. Wow thank you much for taking the time to make these videos.

Loss of the hope of emotional closeness causes such deep grief.

It's true, comedy is the best medicine sometimes.

You are such a delight! The fact that you can make us laugh at our own dysfunction yet providing us with spot on insight. You are such a great human, Alan.

"...and we can go on a vacation tl Bermuda!" LOL thanks for using humour through such a deep and sensitive topic

Yeah, I’m a codependent with being emotionally unavailable and attracting the same and wondering why I’m suffering so much and it’s not working. Thank you so much for this amazing content! I’m actively healing with a therapist but this is gold!

Wow, Alan. I have watched your incredibly accurate and honest videos for a long time, but this has to be your masterpiece. I thank you and congratulate you. I would do well to watch this one every single remaining day of my life. (Please don't stop making these.)

Thank you so much! You just cleared up about 5 years of confusion and suffering for us. We both now feel as though we can move forward. This was word for word. Thank you thank you thank you for doing what you do.

I really emphasize that if anyone is in withdrawal and shame based that they wait before listening to this. This is I feel too much to hear if you are in the throes of a love addiction detox withdrawal and hearing this might put you into guilt and shame and then “great ideas” might come up to “apologize” or contact an ex addictive partner because now you can admit that you were wrong also. I suggest listening to this when you’re done with the withdrawal and far into your codependency recovery. There has to be some inner and self strength to listen to this.

I've spent the last six months essentially wishing that someone I 'fell for' was essentially someone else. I didn't try to change her in any way but I had to eventually accept the rejection and walk away. I couldn't face the prospect of banging my head off a brick wall forever. That would have been self-humiliating. A form of constant pleading. The situation was not helped by the fact that she is just so very beautiful in so many ways. Having said that, the almost constant unavailability and detachment was a form of mental torture for me. I felt like I was at a never-ending audition. Being alone is really no worse than being with her. The feeling is really the same. That fact is a small source of comfort for me. However, the experience did make me look inward and I am beginning to examine my own motivations and insecurities regarding intimate partners . It's all very heartbreaking. My mantra at the moment is that I would rather have a good relationship with myself (finally) than a bad relationship with somebody else, though I think it's going to take some time. Thank you Alan for your work. You are keeping me afloat.....

I cannot thank you enough for this...I am so grateful for finding your channel!

BRILLIANT! when CLARITY hits you like a rock to your head!!!! Ok...a boulder! Yay FREEDOM!

Mind. Blown.

This stings. But I needed to hear it

wow wow! this is so unbelievably and painfully true. I have been doing this. I see my part. we have been doing this awful dance for six years. and he, the "narcissist, manipulator" etc., has been telling me that I cannot change him.. I can only change myself... he will never change, that this is who he is... touche. I see this and I agree this will not change. the other side of it is that he has been waiting for me to also do certain things to change. we are equally in that Chinese lock... that old toy that fits on your finger so you can't get out of it. It may need to be cut off.

Give up trying to change them. You only have control over yourself and your own healing journey.

It's easier to label others than to look at myself, my flaws and hurts

Make it work. Make it work. Make it work. Make it work!!! OMG this is me! Even when I see things are wrong early on, I feel like I’d be such a failure if I can’t make things work. Ouch! Thanks for your honest videos, they have been extremely helpful in seeing the real work I need to do for myself.

Hi, I have been following you for about one year and I just want you to know how life changing listening to your descriptions and leads has been to me. Thank you so much for making this video series.

So hard to hear, but its incredible to finally have someone explain my dysfunctional relating in a way I can understand. Still not ready to break up (3 years in). I think that because I am dysfunctional that I should stay with someone the same. That I couldnt make it work with a healthy partner.

Wow this changed everything for me! My mind is blown on the accuracy

I Love Your Work!! Your So Honest & You Always Post Videos When I Need Direction

Oh my Alan. I've just realised that rather than watch narcissistic videos on you tube I need to take a good, long, hard look at myself and my behaviours i' a relationship. Thanks for the insight and the shake up that I clearly needed x

I have to tell you- I went through being blamed since I was three. My brothers and sisters and my parents were all unavailable. My mom and dad and family never hugged me or showed any concern about anyone except themselves. They call me mentally ill! All I did was notice there was NO LOVE!! I am 60 now-- it's Still happening!

I’m here in 2019, taking this pill...whew this is the harsh truth I love to hear. ❤️

I only did this for 9 months!!! I thought it was a bit of a failure until I listened to this video. Hooray. Thanks for helping me celebrate this Alan.

How do we know that emotional connection we're longing for is not that existential hole in our hearts we cannot fill?

OMG, I didn’t know that I could be so belittling to my husband by telling him to join me in getting his stuff together. I just hate that I’m working on myself by seeking therapy and all those around me are not working on themselves and most of my pain have come from family and friends with dysfunction. Thank you for doing these videos. There are an eye opener.

I wanted to ask if thou could do a video on the anxiety we have when we don't hear from our partner in particular texting. I would have extreme anxiety all through the relationship even if it was only hours. Now I broke with him and trying to stay away but I'm still waiting and longing to get a text from him. Why? If he texts it's relief from that insecure rejected insure of his love interest. How can I end this agony?

Unbelievable insight. There's so much information in this video my head is spinning. I feel like this has been my entire relationship approach. And I'm very excited about turning that around.

I love u so much Alan robarge!! everytime I watch or listen. you take me to CHURCH!! PREACH THAT NECESSARY HONESTY! WOOHOO! UR awesome!!! soo. happy I am learning to FOCUS ON ME AND MY ROLE AND MY CHOICES. :)

Damn. I’ve done most of this. At the same time, I’ve known my share of manipulators, users, abusers, and one narcissist. But I guess my difference was that I didn’t sit there and accuse/berate them (just one, then never again). For the most part, I tell the dude that he treats me differently from before, this new version isn’t what I signed up for, then state my needs super clearly. I try to offer incentives/bribes/jokes/negotiations (if you ____, I’ll _____”, or just point blank ask him “how can I inspire you?” ... try to keep the convo light... I don’t nag.... depending on what I ask, I give myself a time limit. If he continues to ignore my needs while I continue to meet his, then I just end it and leave. No nagging, no name calling, no drama. Just, “this isn’t what I signed up for”. I haven’t spent more than a year with a fella in about a decade now. But I still find myself in situations where the dude shows me one thing when we meet, then a completely night and day different personality months later. I ask them all if I’m the same person they met and still what they signed up for and they always say yes... so I really don’t know why they change, or why they put on such a facade to attract me if they were something totally different.

You know what's interesting here to me is that, while having considered myself very spiritual and psychologically versed/oriented over the past few years, I was always anti-abrahamic. Anti-christianity. But part of what I'm hearing as the means to avoid and dispel this cycle, is very much the life path paved out for Christians (and probably Musilims and Jews too.) The solution I'm hearing here being- Being firmly rooted in a community that most likely will not abandon, and so deeply laying roots as part of this community. And then in laying those roots, having a firm and stable sense of self, community identity, and spiritual compass in life. To be service to others oriented- works oriented. To live authentically to the give that we all have as individuals. And after living healthily and routinely and habitually in that lifestyle, perhaps eventually meeting a partner. And if both are disciplined enough to stay within their religious identity, they will not have sex until marriage, and so, will get to know one another emotionally and as friends first. I'm not saying you have to be Christian to avoid toxic relationship dynamics. I know many Christians still divorce or are unhappy. But im saying within the Christian framework lies a strong counter to getting too quickly wrapped up by the tentacles of insecure attachment dysfunction. I will reflect on this....

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. My own emotional unavailability, and my "unwillingness to give up" have been called out and brought out in to the open.

Thanks for the laughter! Helps to bring ease to the hard work. Feeling grateful to be part of this community.

Thank you for this and this is me going on 30 years. My relationship is so dysfunctional. I have played the victim and thought it was more my husband but it's me too.

You have changed my life in just the few days I’ve been watching your videos! Thank you!

Yes. Always looking outward for the cause of the problems. So familiar.

I'm can't express how happy I am that I found your channel. Can't thank you enough

OMG this hits hard!! Thank you Alan

Your videos are incredible! You hit the nail right on the head. They have helped me tremendously :)

Genius!!!! Just amazing!!!

This rings true. Thank you!

dear alan, thank you so much for the video. i feel so called out but the way you describe how my attachment works especially the part where i think i'm so mighty now that i am getting therapy/help and the other person is fucked up for not getting help, made me understood myself more. and i know that it's not a healthy behavior too. thank you so much.

Thank you so much! This is literally life saving! I love how you explain everything & when you make it funny it's great 🙂

Gawds, I love this episode. The humor is fantastic to help bring across something that is super serious. Awesome. It also drove me to tears, because I have done all these things through my whole life.

Yes! Your levity helps. thank you, Alan. I Am Not Alone.

I just love your work and the clarity in which you communicate your knowledge to all!!! Thank you!!!

Hi Alan. Your work is profound, thank you so much! And you have a great sense of humor😀

The survival make it work! Finally someone affirmed that. Thank you Alan

How messed up is being in such a sick relationship with your mum, who dragged you into her emotional neediness when you were too young to know any better.. I'm 30 and I hate myself for being in such cycles. I want them to end :(

Oh. My.word. Thank you so much Alan.

Holy crap, this hit hard. Thank you. Crying in my office at work to get glimmer if my own stuff ruining my own relationships.

Omg alan you are always so spot on. Amazing! You have such a gift. Thankyou

Thank you for your beautiful soul. I ❤️ your wise counsel and advice that takes us out of victimhood. I wish I could have found you many years ago but better late than never. God bless you and your beautiful soul.

wow. i thought it was just my personality or enneagram driving this relational dynamic. so much to learn and discover. thank you for the nudge to wake up a bit more today.

Oh wow, this is me all over. Between psycho analyzing meself along with those I am relationships with it's so exhausting trying to find the right answers and behavior. We all want the same things at the end of the day if only we can get the heck out of own way. I've been doing therapy and all this self help stuff and it doesn't seem to be helping my relationships for the very reason you're talking about. Thanks for posting this, its jarring being called out but something I for sure needed to hear.

This is fantastic! Absolutely nailed it!

This is a wonderful series of self discovery. I am truly grateful for your contribution to mental health and healing. I found the content well worth the time I invested in it tonight. I needed to hear everything you said and I have behaved like a child recently towards my husband. He loops and thus we loop and we go around and around. I want this nightmare to stop because at our age, I want the last years of my life to be special.

I love how you talk and explain. It’s so good. It’s the best I’ve ever heard. .

This is so incredibly helpful.

I love everything about your work.

Totally resonate with your work - and still feel that once individuals realize that they are responding from their insecure trauma and if both partners recognize this, there is hope for repairing and it is possible to move through and grow and mature in the relationship. This is the way healthy relationships are meant to be and even though one may start as dysfunctional it can and does work for many. As we age and continually mature there is growth. It's only when the growth is stunted that this cycle may or may not continue. Your videos and enlightening and only through continued education can and will these cycles be healed. It takes real work and real dedication to understand that it must start with I and not you as the mature one.

Oh Alan. Always with such finesse, compassion and humor. This is like ....a song for my soul. Self knowledge can be such a very long road and I sincerely hope you know HOW MUCH your wisdome is needed and appreciated!!! Thank you thank you. And by the way, am creeping towards 6 months on such a dynamic and WILL be letting you know when I exit successfully. Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxx

The drama of many relationships is that people try to handle their anxiousness with withdrawal ending up to mutual triggering and punishment

It’s like you’ve seen my relationship first hand and you’re in my head. 😮🙈 This has been such a validating video. Do relationships ever recover from this? Do they ever go from insecurely attached to securely attached?

You have an amazing gift! Thank you for another great video!!

Thank you for this. You are doing amazing work by offering us your insights.

Your work is so important to me, changed my perspectiv, so happy to finally identifie it , already can see the light at the end. Thank you.

Beautifully put! Thank you Alan ❤

Alan has an incredible gift for nailing this stuff and presenting it in a depth style that touches these where they live so it can change and we can heal

“I’m so advanced, I’m so advanced”😂😂😂

Guess what!! I only did it for 6 months!!! Thank you so much Alan for your very thoughtful and insightful videos! They have really helped me get a better understanding of my own problems and how to (not) relate to other people.

Alan, I have been binge watching your content for the last week or so. And I feel like you know every private thought I’ve had and explained every single one of my behaviors in the relationship I’ve been in for the last 10 years in detail. I am moved, and also, frightened by all of this. I now have a direction in which to go and hope I can make a loving, compassionate and kind decision for myself and my partner. Thank you for your content and presentation. It has been a form of solace for me these days.

Thank you so much for this!!!

Love your work so much definitely the best I’ve come across on RU-vid in helping people address codependency. My ex had bpd and addiction problems realise I have spent the last three years criticising him and surprisingly it hasn’t got me or him anywhere!

You are amazing... all of this cycles... all me 100%. Great videos!

Alan, this is Genius! thanks for being so brutally clear.

My gosh, this describes my parents' relationship perfectly! No wonder I have tried to create the same kinds of relationships in my adult life! Doomed to fail!

Spot on 👌🏻 Thank you so much for these videos. They are so eye opening.

Oh my goodness...this is hitting hard....thank you....uhh...I think I need a piece of chocolate or 10 now...lol. 😲 Thank you for your transparency.

Good stuff - spot on!

I love you! So grateful for all the ways you help us. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Thank you for bringing up the personality disorder issue! I have noticed when I am talking to people who do this to a great degree often are not looking at their part in the situation and there is indeed a large amount of finger-pointing. I agree that people can definitely have a highly level of what would be considered narcissistic traits and abuse does happen, but 99.99% of us are in no position to "diagnose" anyone with anything (including ourselves)!

God you have amazing content! This is my life story, and I am astounded that others have ever experienced something I thought was so personal to me. Thank you so much for allowing me to know that I'm not alone. It is extremely painful stuff. I hate that I've ever subjected any of my beautiful partners to my trauma. I love your humor though, seriously you are funny. Sorry if this seems too much, I am just very happy to have found something I relate to so much.

Clarity. Thank you.

Love you, Alan!

This is the best youtube video I’ve seen in my life and probably ever will. No exaggeration, this is what i need to hear, Allan thank you so so sooooo much for this message

thank you for another great video- I have noticed in becoming self --reflective that we all act this way in our behaviors from time to time and our actions are our coping mechanisms. I have tried to look at these labels as behaviors and while some are from others - I have noticed that I do a self check and ask myself is this for me, or is it that we recognize that behavior in another so that we can learn a coping mechanism to work through it. At what point is it that we will all be left alone because it is almost impossible to see others that don't have some of these coping mechanisms. I have also learned early on from previous relationships to not talk with others whether it is family or friends in order to label the other person.

oooh so true of my behaviour at times!

this is eerily accurate, but it's also good that i'm not the only one who does this.

Thanks for this! This is the first time I've heard this and I've done some reading and research. It's very helpful.

So good Alan!

Omfg laughing!! You are brutal, but I'm loving this hard truth. Thank you

It's exactly what I am doing right now, analyzing and giving the label of a personality disorder but only to a friend of mine. Thank you for this information!