5 Attractive Habits That Make Avoidants Beg For Your Attention 

Its more to decide if you want to stick around to give a hand and hope the other person is self aware enough to open up and commit more slowly overtime. If it doesnt get better and youre discontent moving on is completely valid, you cant force compatibility.

@@gatorssbm ...yeah that sounds good but these people don't tend to do that. They are not accountable, they don't take personal responsibility, they will not face up to themselves and do the work. They think that if everybody else would sort themselves out they would be just fine. Avoid the avoiders at all costs, unless of course you are addicted to pain, suffering and struggle in which case they will be perfect as they are highly destructive to relationships. As the OP suggested, it is actually very sad because they are seemingly unable to help themselves and just like everyone else, they are longing for love and intimacy.

@@cspace1234nz💯 spot on!

...and they find partners with extraordinary giving capabilities who try to help them EVEN IF misused. They are very very good at TAKING and giving just as little back as possible. (Or making compensations.) It's emotional usury.

@@sshuteandrew yeah and as a SIGMA INFJ, my response to a male dating coach that suggested this approach was...'while your ignoring her, she's getting attention elsewhere. I mean seriously!???!!!

Agreed! It is when they choose to show up and be all lovey dovey. When you want what you gave them in return all of a sudden you are the clingy one and they close off. But when they were insecure and needed and wanted care and commitment from you it was rainbows and butterflies. You are correct - at their convenience and that’s not how healthy relationships work. The irony is, they know better and have self awareness. They know it’s about compromise and making each other happy…. One day they go from all in to not wanting/being able to put in the work to a relationship anymore. It’s sad

@@ggrey5222 thankfully I had a very short relationship with an avoidant. The moment I realised what he was trying to do, I backed off I asked for bare minimum in a relationship, like keeping me updated, calling me whenever free. But he took it otherwise. One day, he ghosted me for 7 hours. I mean, who is that busy on an off day that too during the day? That day, I decided it was enough You cannot keep me at an armlength and call it love. I confronted, he flipped out, took space for 3 days. I reached out and he came up with the world's most baseless compromises ever. I bade him goodbye. Killed me to do so, but I am at peace, not pieces. Bottomline: My mother did not carry me 9 months in her womb to remain a lab rat for a questionable boy who refuses to grow up. Peace and healing to him 🌸

Bingo.

Of course, you're absolutely right. Keep in mind these people are not aware that they judge others on these other characteristics. To them, they're looking for their insecurities to be comforted. That sometimes comes in the form of seeing a big deal to be made about something which would be arbitrary to secure people.

If someone’s more interested in your game skills than your real skills, it's time to hand them a game over. Why settle for a player when you deserve a partner who values the real you? Swipe left on the drama and right on the substance

Yep. Dating for them is just auditioning for the next victim in their cat and mouse game. That's what they want, they don't actually care to know much about who plays with them.

@@purplebutterfly314 Exactly! For them, dating is less about finding a genuine connection and more about casting for their next reality show, "Survivor: Emotional Manipulation." They’re more interested in the game than the players, and the only thing they truly care about is how well they can keep the drama rolling!

I wish. It's all the guys talk about these days omg. Guys will compare to super made up women and say I could look like that. I'm like, "or I could look like me, why are you talking to me anyway?!" It's weird out there

Word

Yes ❤

Problem is you don't know it for a while since at start they can really be open (surface wise) since they aren't emotionally invested real time yet.. and after you think everything is going fine, you catch a feeling and wanting to start forming deeper sense of rl they pull away and if you haven't dealt with one of those before, you get caught off guard... and since you care you are already invested and want to get to bottom of it. Slowly you start to become anxious and after a while they discard you

Fr… I’ll just drop you off where I met you and keep it moving. Ofc I’ll try but when enough is enough, you wouldn’t have to hear from me again

we need a phd to deal with them , even this video doesnt really tell you want they want

Yes, it's really exhausting. My ex is a dismissive-avoidant and I'm an anxiously attached person (healing myself more and more and putting up boundaries). The constant running and chasing is heartbreaking and tiring. I don't want that in my life any longer. I hope he will heal his wounds and seeks help, and if it's only on the internet. He's 33 now and still doesn't want a relationship (we met in 2012 and ever since we were in touch more or less through long-distance but not in a relationship anymore). I can't handle it, it's too painful and doesn't lead anywhere.

Ohhh, so two videos makes you an expert ehh? Well I've watched 100 videos. And ok ya I. Confirm that Run thingy you said

Because they're hot 😍😛

Because he was the love of my life and I messed up. We both still love each other I can feel that so I refuse to give everything up. We don’t talk but I hope someday we’ll reconnect again

This

You’re a true winner….. 💚💚

I applaud you.

@@Amanda-hp4nd thank you. 🙏🏼 I’m happier now since letting all that go. It’s so not worth it.

Same girl, i distanced myself from him and i haven't heard from him in the last 1 month. He only sends breadcrumbs like liking my IG stories. I've been in complete No Contact and as much as i love him, the pain i had to endure after he distanced himself from me was far much greater and i'm not willing to compromise my self respect ever again. Yeah, so whether he returns or not i'll just remain indifferent.

One month is not long at all. But they always come back. But in my experience it's just a cycle over and over. If you watch the full video the ending is what we all need to here. Is what they are and what they do truly what we "need and want". Probably not. ❤ healing prayers for us all

@@Zzz3331 so when do you think they are likely to reach out?

@@Shazliidon’t expect them to come back - they will only do so if you contact them after a while and they only want you back when they have no other prospects, and just want the benefits they had with you. If you let them come back they will use you and once they feel like they can find someone else better than you they will ghost and discard you all over again.

@@Shazlii It would be great for you if didn't give him the option to return. Try to work on yourself to the point where you get to block him and delete him from your phone and your life.

OMG. Excessive time waste and energy waste. 😂

I cut my husband phone of because he was only calling me 2 times a week thin cut the phone off I can't talk it no more..when he got a job out of town

Ah, the classic "reverse psychology by pretending you don't care" trick! It's like trying to catch a cat by ignoring it - suddenly, you're the most interesting thing in the room. Just remember, while this might work in the short term, you might end up with an avoidant person purring at your feet one moment and clawing at the curtains of your sanity the next. It's all fun and games until you realize you've adopted a feral cat with a PhD in ghosting.

exactly my experience, while all I wanted to build trust

@@auttathaway Exactly! It’s like wanting to build trust and getting handed a blueprint that only works if you’re great at assembling IKEA furniture-except, instead of furniture, it’s emotional connection, and the instructions are always missing!

They just leave for good.

There is only one way to beat an NPD, an Avoidant or a BPD, or anyone with personality disorders.. its NOT TO PLAY THE GAME, there is the block feature behind this. The first time around as much efforts as I did put in to the thing my avoidant girls said to me that she didn’t like me as much, whereas she just made the envoirement harsh on purpose by finding ANY even non existent mistake that I would make. And when she left it killed me, even the devaluation phase killed me, the second time she came back I understood the game and she was predictable asf and when she left I had nothing

Thank you ❤

@@Bee-lp3wj i am so glad to see such a perfect, clear, honest, balanced, and self aware opinion and good advice from an ex-avoidant. Well done! May you find happiness always. 🙌🙌🙌

There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..

This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.

You wont regret it

@@peterwilliams6361 Yeah, sadly I tried everything, marriage and other counselling, giving space, time support and a positive environment, only to be trampled on at every stage. Trust me, I married for life otherwise I would not have married, but I married an illusion and a liar. I told myself that marriage wasn't supposed to be all glittery and fun times, that we had to work at it. I ended up settling, telling myself it was better for my son. That bit me in the ass! But marriage is not supposed to be all give from one partner and all take from another. Of course, each will have their strengths and weaknesses; I guess one needs to ask, who's always pulling the weight? Who's always creating the drama? Who's always cleaning up the mess and the fallout?

Narc is worse because of the way they play with a person's mind, causing cognitive dissonance, etc. But it can def set the victim up for getting involved with a DA next. You see the difference though. DA can hurt worse because they are genuine people and you can't sense that something's off. They don't hurt people intentionally though. That's those disorders.

Just know your boundaries, DA up against that, will have to change themselves or go elsewhere

NPD, BPD, Autism. Its not just narcs luv but we can always see the blamd educated people who always fall back on the good old narc card 😂

Or narcissist

I took my avoidant gf back, telling her at the very least I will become more stoic by dealing with her. This was before I knew anything about avoidant types. Currently I am setting on the back burner while she's off doing other things. As I have learned it's not just my issues causing this, I can accept things, work on my faults, and be ok if she decides to come back, or not.

Sounds like a plot twist straight out of a soap opera! They say they want peace and freedom, but then they go for partners who make dictators look laid-back. It's like their relationship preferences are sponsored by a reality TV show: "Love and Avoidance: The Drama Continues." Imagine them at a partner buffet: "Hmm, let's see. Oh, here's a peaceful, understanding partner... meh, too easy. Oh, here's a controlling, demanding one with a PhD in drama and a minor in chaos - perfect! I'll take a double serving of that, please." They thrive in emotional dodgeball, where demands and fights are the perfect excuse to never get too close. It's their version of a safety blanket, only this blanket is on fire and constantly yelling at them. So, if you ever feel like your life's too calm, just remember there's someone out there choosing chaos like it's the new black.

??? and then when they meet someone who isn't controlling and is empathetic, they can't maintain the relationship - because it is coming together?

@@hollygF1M Exactly! When they finally meet someone who's not controlling and actually empathetic, it's like they're suddenly handed an IKEA relationship-perfectly designed but they can't figure out how to put it together. Turns out, emotional stability doesn’t come with an instruction manual!

@@hollygF1M That's been my experience, personally and hearing from friends. It disregulates them. A loving, accepting partner is scary.

@@n1icolas very sad…

It's like we're the perfect storm of emotional chaos! Avoidant and anxious together is a rollercoaster-thrilling but often nauseating. The real irony? We need a secure person to help us calm the ride, but we're too busy running away or clinging on for dear life to notice them.

They don't need to be in a direct relationship with a secure person. Plenty of secure people exist, and they can be friends and acquaintances. You can intentionally study them in less romantically/physically intimate interactions with full awareness and start to notice how they relate with others. Then, you can start emulating that and making it your own.

​@@letsdomath1750Yup exactly this, both my partner and I had avoidant tendencies but once I started looking into why it happens we slowly learned to try and express our frustrations and be a bit more vulnerable over time. Eventually with time trust grows stronger and I feel now we more resemble someone secure with how consistent weve finally gotten. Never thought someone who had so much baggage would help me also discard mine, granted once that 3 month grace period was over it was rough for awhile.

If you get your relationship needs met, you will be secure. Avoids ts just don't want to meet anyones needs

@@gigglecompass1 I agree! It's kind of annoying that he has to stoop to clickbait tactics to get our attention. Many of us would probably be more inclined to click if the title was a more accurate snapshot of the content. The realisation he went the click bait route makes me feel as though he underestimates the intelligence of his viewers. We deserve more credit than that.

@@AimeeLiz 💯!

And you become secure by dumping them and finding someone who isn't avoidant

Yeah but, he sold you on what you want and gave you what you need.

Happened to me too

Leave, please It will hurt less eventually

Same here and yes it’s really hard

@srijeetasaha3865 I've been working towards leaving for awhile. Something snapped in me a few months ago where I felt less love for him. People can only hurt you for so long before you stop loving them. And once I learned about being an anxious attacher it made so much sense. I was desperate for him to stay not because he was so special, but because I was being triggered of my fear of abandonment. Once I could separate the 2 things, I felt stronger and in more control. If he doesn't work on his DA behaviors I'm leaving. He has a very short window because I'm ready to move on.

@@mbrewer421 you cannot make him change unless he wants to do it voluntarily. So please spare yourself some time and dignity. Refocus all the energy on yourself and become the best version of you.

@@srijeetasaha3865 Thank you 😊 🙏

Girl, I know❤ many blessings.

I'm wondering what the difference is

Same and same. I had one and broke it off. I don’t want to have to guess how someone feels about me

Also an INFJ and I was dealing with an avoidant INFJ man. I’m secure so it fell all the way off.

We attract avoidants and narcissists opposite attracts

Unfortunately I'm real drawn to one rn. And I hate it

👀

Sure, nothing says "let’s talk about marriage" like handing someone a 1,000-piece puzzle and saying, “We need to see how well we can fit together before we discuss our future!” If they can handle the puzzle without getting overwhelmed, then maybe they’re ready for the real commitment!

😂😂😂😂

@@n1icolas thats what he suggested in the video.

Give them the puzzle to make and run away 😂

😂

It’s called staying in control. You can’t be in control if your with another avoidant person in a relationship

Your last question is exactly what I ask myself because I say I want an actual full relationship, but then settle for Avoidant types. I like the space being with an Avoidant provides. I'm a busy person and don't have a lot of time to cater to a relationship- or so I tell myself. I'm a Secure (mostly) but have moments of Anxious/Avoidant mixed in (but minimally). I'm in my early 50s and can now recognize how my past partners were always DAs so that I could have the space I needed to also do what I wanted. I don't like to be suffocated in a relationship as I was in an abusive one when I was much younger and he was Anxious but mean. Never want to go back to being "trapped" like it was with him. Avoidants like space to be "dismissive" lol and being Secure, I get that. But now that I'm older and have had time to reflect on my lack of a real kind and loving partner for years, I see that I need more. Time to move on as Avoidants will always go back to being EXACTLY that- a person who does not want commitment or emotional intimacy.

That's good that you're open to that. It helps a lot. I'm an avoidant and had two friends, one secure one anxious. The secure brought the best in me although I struggled a lot at first, but I was ready to work on myself. The anxious friend just brought the worst in me. It was disastrous, because they had an unhealthy attachment as well, and when I tried once to ask for a little "me time" as you put it, they just saw that as a personal attack. Of course friendships and romantic relationships are different, but just these experiences taught me a lot

Thank you for your prayer 🙏 yes, it was a lot of trauma…bless

Absolutely! It's like expecting a cat to learn ballet - sure, they might try, but it's not likely to end well. If an avoidant hasn’t found a psychoanalyst who can navigate the treacherous waters of attachment theory and is actually putting in the hard work, it's like hoping a tornado will suddenly become a gentle breeze. So if they’re not willing to wade through the emotional muck with a professional who knows their stuff, it’s time to grab your popcorn and watch from a safe distance. Or better yet, start planning your escape route because waiting for them to change without the right help is like waiting for a snowstorm in July.

He came back? After how long?

There is a misunderstanding of INTJs and even the sigma types. These types are straightforward and blunt, if something doesn't work for them they will directly address it. I’m an INTJ female, very securely attached with strong boundaries. Have met multiple “INTJs” males who don’t understand avoidance is a form of lacking emotional control and not stoicism.

Seriously, who's got time for amateur hour psychoanalysis? If I wanted a therapist, I'd ask for a referral, not a date!🤣

@@n1icolas 🤣🤣🤣

This. If they have no self awareness or emotional insight, and not prepared to discuss or work on healthy relationship attachment, dont bother, you will be frustrated, lonely, hurt and damaged long term.

Truly incredible 🎉

make partner do the simple attachment test. when lovers do the love test things(like mbti, love language, etc)

Exactly 👍

Run and find someone more secure and open to commitment. You dont have time for this.. you are in your 50's... do yourslef a favor or chase a guy that will hurt you over and over.. slef reflect, find courage and self esteem and move on.

Oh no, someone who wants to keep their independence! What a crime!

So sad

Now you know it’s not that simplistic. Apart from the fact you’re mixing astrology and psychology-it’s the whole chart,not a placement that may indicate something so pathological.