Avoidants Secretly Hope You Do THIS When They Stonewall 

I have compassion for them. However, I also have compassion fatigue. So now I avoid avoidants.

Avoidants will turn a secure person who’s in passionate love with them into an anxious. It’s so hurtful.

I notice they don't stonewall their bosses, workmates or drinking buddies.

Ok, if we need FBI hostage negotiation tactics to be with someone, maybe thats our cue to re-evaluate the relationship..

So, they are walking contradictions. They want a happy relationship, but sabotage it every time it starts to become a happy relationship.

Repeat to yourself: ‘it’s not my responsibility to fix them, especially at the expense of my own peace.’

As much as I appreciate the advice, an important thing you didn't mention about what the Gottman's research shows is that stonewalling is one of the 4 major reasons relationships don't work. We can change how we interact with avoidant people, but ultimately they have to do their own work. The example you used where the avoidant essentially needs 8 days to recover... that isn't acceptable. Imagine if that is your spouse and mother/father of your children. It's not acceptable to run away from your problems and responsibilities. It's a risk to enter a relationship with someone who handles their problems that way because the damage it does just repeats cycles of abuse, neglect and dysfunction.

I was secure before I got into a relationship with an avoidant. Then after 3 years of me coddling his needs over my own, when it came time to focus on my needs, he tuck tailed, cheated, and then ran to the next person.

No one is perfect, but a good partner is a giver and self aware. If you are a giver and are self aware don't settle for someone who is a taker and lacks self-awareness. Although we should never judge, if someone is avoidant, unless they are actively (and on their own accord) going to therapy, working to be better partners, reading books, dealing with their own trauma, fighting their triggers, talking openly about their troubles to a partner (ex: I'm sorry I withdrew, I felt afraid), etc., then they aren't ready for a relationship, and no one but themselves can make that decision and work on the issues.

F*** that!!! If they arent working on their issues im just going to leave. Ive been through 1 avoidant, never again. I will not coddle someone who is emotionally abusing me every time they are triggered. That is exactly what stone walling and silent treatment is... Emotional abuse.

Here is why many of us fall for the avoidant trap. Secure person that can be pulled anxious here. It is because many people look for a spark rather than a fire. A fire is calm and comforting. But not real exciting. We interact with all sorts of people, but we look for that spark to determine an attraction. Many people mistake feelings of anxiety for a spark. Those feelings of anxiety happen when someone starts to get distant. Secure people don't tend to go distant because it's not a coping method. Avoidants do. So lets say you date 3 identical triplets, 2 secure and 1 avoidant. Those 3 people are nice and tick all your boxes, but you're not sure which one you like or if you have a spark with any. Then one day, one of them starts to pull away, so you wonder about them a little more. Because of our childhood attachments, we are hyper sensitive to when people are pulling away and it causes us a little bit of anxiety. Could be something as simple as a delayed text response or whatever. Anyways, cortisol gets released, and our brains dont like that. We want to resolve the anxiety. So our brains seek to rectify it the only way we know how. By seeking reassurance that we are still cared for. The reassurance soothes our anxiety. This tends to trigger the avoidants anxiety though, which is fear of getting too close. So their anxiety spikes and they get cortisol release. So they revert to their childhood soothing method which is to get a little more distant. This causes your anxiety to spike again. That is the anxious avoidant trap. It's a spiral to crash and burn. Each time they run and we try to draw closer, it actually creates an attraction in our brain. Even if we didn't like them really, because we fear losing them, our brain tricks us that we need them. Because we do in a sense, to calm our anxiety. So we perceive that this need is attraction. We perceive it as a spark. It is an attraction but not out of love, but rather to resolve our insecurities. It becomes an addiction to chemical releases. A trauma bond. Which is why these relationships can get so toxic and so hard to leave, and why people long for their ex's even though they know they are bad for them. Their brains are longing for that fix again. A healthy secure relationship is a slow build of love over time without that push/pull. It's foreign to many of us, but it is what true love and companionship is. Overcoming anxious attachment is not giving in to those anxiety impulses. It's like turning down that big delicious looking meal, because we know it's bad for us. Don't let anxiety affect your decisions on whether to reach out and whatnot. It's a ton easier to do this at the very beginning of a relationship rather than years in when your brain is hooked. Now on how to stop being attracted to avoidants. I am by no means an expert, and on my own journey, but through lots and lots of therapy and research I have found that there are some core things. One, put your love for yourself above any partner. This ensures that you wont settle for being treated poorly. Next, don't chase. You need to learn to identify the anxiety when it happens, do not react on the anxiety, and deal with the anxiety in ways rather than the comfort from the other person. Self soothing methods. This is much easier to do earlier rather than later. If someone starts to pull away, you must let them. If you address it and it continues, you know you have an avoidant. Walk away. If someone wants to be with you, they will make the time to be with you. If they dont, then they aren't the right person for you. Stop focusing on the outcome that you want to make this person yours. Focus instead that you want to find the right person. Three, don't let yourself get attached so fast. Remember, we're building a fire here, not a spark. Real love takes time to grow. It is calm, gentle, strong and warm. Generally a spark will burn itself out pretty fast. Essentially an avoidant partner will show their true colors within like 3-6 months. I have a theory as to why attachment styles change. Because throughout a relationship, a secure person's brain can become addicted to the chemicals. Or the avoidant persons brain can become used to not needing the chemicals as much, etc. But once a secure becomes addicted, even if they get clean, it's much easier to relapse into addiction again. It's so much mind over matter and self respect. Which is why secure people tend to be people that have good confidence and love themselves. You need that to be able to have the strength to walk away. That's why it all comes down to self love. This is also why it's so hard to grieve a relationship especially if you are dumped, and why many insecure people swing to new relationships or rebound so fast. They need that fix to continue. Essentially insecure people become love junkies, and why those that take time to be alone and 'detox' and heal, generally go on to be much more secure and healthy for the next relationship. It's why people go back to toxic ex's. Because they subconsciously know they can get that chemical fix again. You have to love yourself enough to take it slow and respect your boundaries. Love yourself enough to not enmesh with them so fast but rather focus on your own life, friends, and hobbies too to make the relationship move slower, and love yourself enough to walk away when you sense these things, trusting your judgement, and that you will find the right one, even if it's not this one. When you find one that is going slow and maybe seems boring at first, dont just be like "he's boring, there's no spark". That's your brain tricking you saying "he can't give me the fix we want." Take time, get to know them, let those real love feelings build, not the anxiety spark. If someone meets all your boxes but there's no spark, chances are they are a secure person, and you could have an amazing relationship with them if you just give it time for the fire to build. Don't chase the spark. It's a trick, it's just our anxiety seeking a fix. That's why so many people skip the 'good guys' and chase the 'bad boys'. The bad boys are the avoidants and such, which is why you feel that spark.

If someone won’t take responsibility for their emotional health and relationship skills, at some point, you just can’t be with them, not matter what anyone’s attachment style is !!!!

My ex-husband always had slight avoidant tendencies but I was secure and it didn't really bother me... then it all came crashing down when I got pregnant with our first child after 15 years of marriage. THAT was his big trigger. He immediately started stonewalling and making unilateral decisions. Basically locked me out of my own marriage. I finally kicked him out when our child was 18 months and he never tried to repair things. We're now divorced. He immediately moved on, and I can already see his patterns repeating with the new woman. He has zero self awareness and I honestly feel sorry for her

No need to use formulas. Just work on yourself, find out what attracts you to avoidant people and try to heal it. Some day you'll wake up and realise you're not attracted to them anymore.

Why is it the avoidant are given extra support to navigate their lack of accountability for their insecurities than other insecure attachment styles? Are we all not responsible for how your inner paradigms translate in our outer realities? What I find fascinating is the advice for dealing with an anxious is usually for the anxious attached to work on themselves; to self soothe and do the inner work to stop being clingy and needy. It is not for the other types to be more reassuring, validating or even tolerant. Yet, numerous videos on RU-vid (I’ve encountered) advise for individuals dealing with the avoidant to do the actions/mind games to soothe the avoidant and essentially help them “feel” secure. Their core wound doesn’t get cured by you giving them just the right amount of space. Yet we tip toe around their insecurities until they “decide” to rectify them…or prioritize a relationship they secretly want without the work or effort required of trust and connection? Truly fascinating, indeed.

I am a very loving, giving, honest, and open person. I, too, have suffered trauma and spent years working on overcoming those things in order to become a better person. Each person is responsible for healing him/herself. It is not fair to visit your problems upon someone else. If you are emotionally unavailable, you should keep to yourself.

I just can’t. I’m so sorry for them. It’s just devastating to be in love with someone who stonewalls and pulls the rug out from under the relationship whenever they feel triggered. It’s not fair to ask someone to go through that. After having been in love with someone with a DA attachment style, I can only say that I wish I had understood the red flags and that I would never, ever be able to help this person feel secure or to love me in a secure way.

I feel bad for avoidants, but the average person also has their limitations, and its very draining and time consuming to constantly have to cater to their needs, while not gettting your own needs met... it feels very lonely. I just prefer to avoid avoidants...

Okay I’m new to this term as of right now. Funny thing… I am the avoidant. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing. I hope not to receive any hate by confessing this. I just shut down, like my entire body starts shaking and I can barely speak when I feel my autonomy or independence being challenged. I was raised by a very controlling narcissistic step mother, my birth mother was not my safety as a young child and gave me away at age 3 to be exact. My dad didn’t want me either for a long time. I am now married to a beautiful diagnosed autistic man. He knows himself but lacks any idea of any of this about me. We’ve been together almost 6 years and every step of commitments along the way has been triggering to my avoidance issues. I recently shut down again this week when an old topic was brought up again. I’m now sleeping in the living room and I don’t even want to be touched. Understanding it’s a me problem, I’ve still interacted, try hugging, try participating in daily activity together but I’m struggling. He is so kind and patient. My question… how on earth do I share this with him when I totally feel like this is still just a me problem? I don’t want to feel this way. It sucks! I don’t want to avoid the love of my life , but my brain feels no feelings currently and my skin feels like needles. I understand it’s all me, I don’t know how to rewire my brain not to feel afraid. Sorry if tmi to anybody out there.

“Creating an environment where they feel safe and understood” can come at a cost to your own well being and mental health. If they aren’t capable of doing the work, it’s better to invest that care, love and healing into yourself.

I would love an avoidant who tried to understand and empathize with my feelings too. I would love an environment where I felt safe in the relationship, not having my anxiety continually triggered by their distance or the comments they make to diminsh the value they have for me or the relationship.

I am secure until I’m with someone more avoidant. It’s like a threat detection system I’ve learned to pay attention to - it’s never wrong. I’ve been pulled into anxious insecure attachment patterns a few times by avoidants but tend to re-center after I leave them or we become mutually secure in some instances. I noticed with this last partner (whom it became apparent was more avoidant towards the end), that when I would be doing my secure thing and respect his space while he does his stuff and I did mine, he’d have these anxious moments where he’d frantically call if I didn’t text back for awhile and ask why I wasn’t getting back to him. This sort of started a cycle where I was reassuring him and then he’d pull back and then I’d behave anxiously. He’s definitely dismissive avoidant though, not fearful avoidant. It’s honestly all just so frustrating and draining I want to be alone for a long time 😅

Some people do it just to push buttons and get a reaction from you. I learned this from a fearful avoidant who eventually admitted it.

Excellent video. For many avoidants the insecurity "works for them". Movement towards a more secure mutually fulfilling relationship may not be what they are after, and it's important for the more secure person to respect the avoidants choice and move on.

This is so sad I know a man who was adopted out of foster care as a toddler. He is one of the most financially successful yet the most lonely and volatile people I have ever met. The slightest perceived rejection or disrespect from anyone triggers him to no end. A normal conversation can set him off and you will be standing there with no clue as to what you could have said wrong. He has spent 65 years unable to truly connect with anyone.

I created a safe and understanding place for this person. Even though they say they love me, They just kept going for someone else, the new and shiny. Forfeiting a long deep/safe/secure relationship

Life is short, there not your problem. Dump them and move on and don't look back.

Avoidants are very painful to be with. I have tried, probably more than I should, but I am not a therapist and desire an equal partner, not a patient. I hope they all get the help they need and stop hurting well meaning people. I do really appreciate your explanation in this video though, it is helpful to making sense of the pain and confusion. Appreciate you!

You put so much work into this video and it is explained very well, I appreciate that. The only thing is that I can imagine a lot of desperate anxious folks using these videos to try to get a toxic partner back. This is all about how to cater to them and is very one sided. A healthy relationship means that both parties are working in themselves to make the relationship work. If the avoidant isn't recognizing their tendencies as toxic or trying to make healthy changes, they shouldn't be pursued. I hope everyone can recognize their worth and choose a partner who will treat them better

It has taken me a year to heal from my relationship with my ex FA. I am secure with minor FA tendencies myself. I am so happy to finally be free. I still watch videos in order to recognize red flags early on. Never again!!

The backlash towards dismissive avoidants is similar to that towards narcissists, and it is basically because neither can take any accountability. As a former anxiously attached, I have done the work to move away from anxiety. It is the DA’s job to do the same to reduce their avoidance. We are ever only in control of our own thoughts and behaviour, and are not responsible for what anyone else, including DAs and narcs, thinks or does.

His stonewalling literally sent me into a psychotic break, yes I was seeing things that weren't there and had delusions that I was being hunted down....so unless you're mentally strong to be putting up with periodic stonewalling I'd stay as far away from an avoidant as you can they can ruin your mental health and not even help you to recover, not financially or psychologically not to mention emotionally....

Yes I was going to bring that up. Space makes avoidance want more space and more space until they don't come forward and begin to use it as manipulation

Very informative!! Wouldn't it be nice if these avoidants spent time worrying about OUR feelings, half as much as we do, theirs?!?! 😆

I got involved briefly with an avoidant. Stonewalling, silent treatment, ran hot and cold, and super nice to everyone but me. Done with that game. He says he still has feelings for me, I say no thank you.

Or..they have moved on and are too cowardly to tell you they're interested in someone else. They like to keep that door open just in case.

They stonewall you and expect to talk to you again after a while like nothing happened 😂 yeah no thanks.. nobody want to deal with a child in a grown ups body.

They want attention and reject it like stray cats.

my brain is too small to work formulas on people i hate playing chess and i dont like games

I started researching this detachment style a couple of years ago and took such a deep dive into it, I no longer found dismissive avoidants attractive and even volatile fearful avoidants are dysregulating because there's a hairline trigger with them you don't know exists. It's like an invisible tripwire and all bets are off the second you unknowingly touch it. They rage and often vanish, and I just let them. I used to be a fearful avoidant myself but was consistently gentle with people which I guess made me atypical. I didn't want to upset or confuse anyone, and I saw it as being loyal to continue engaging or at least allowing access even if they were abusive or unkind. Now, I don't want to walk on eggshells as a lifestyle and if I've done my work, they can too. If they don't want to, I don't want them. Bottom line is some people will force you to choose between you and them. Always choose you. Your person(s) would never force such an unreasonably unfair decision. Love always makes room for more than one. ❤

The best way to win against an avoidant is to simply not play. They’re in no condition whatsoever to facilitate the love you want, even if they have it and wants to. Unless or until they heal that wound. However, if they’ve gotten this far without addressing it, they likely won’t do it for you. The best you’ll get is they’ll love you from afar. I know from experience 😑

Jesus. This is crazy & too much work. I don't want formulas, FBI tactics etc for a relationship😐🙄

They’re hard work man! What kind of a relationship is that? When you have to be constantly on your toes 🙄

Haven't dealt with a few avoidants in my life I have come to place where my opinion is, once the person knows they are avoidant, if they are so damn independent then they need to admit their shit and call themselves out on their unhealthy avoidant behaviours.

How about walking in the shoes of an anxious for a change ?????? They were abused in childhood, not coddled („suffocated“) and the same is repeated in romantic relationships: the avoidant abuses the anxious, the anxious coddles the avoidant. It’s the avoidants way or the highway. They use and abuse then discard.

Stonewalling can be an attempt to punish or control.

There is so much hate on public display for us who struggle with this attachment style. I understand that these people have been hurt. I also suspect that the people who spout these strong negative opinions publicly have a fundamental lack of empathy in the moment they decide to post their hate for the world and people around them. Personally, I am accountable for my behaviour, and I make grave mistakes in relationships. At the same time ... I had little power in my childhood - which is largely what made me who I am today. It is important to acknowledge this, and to put effort into breaking it all down, so that the avoidant can BECOME secure. It is impossible to do alone, and it is essentially anti-social to call us "narcissists" or other demeaning names, when we are ALL in the process of becoming who we are.

This video is hilarious. All of that madness-inducing-formula-giving is like trying to crack a safe, while blindfolded, with chopsticks. And then you bring in an FBI negotiation specialist? F this craziness. They are adults and are stuck in a way that they will likely never unstick. They will drag you down and drown you. Escape, escape, escape.

May I ask why even bother with those people? After seeing the calculation example as to how many days I should give them space it seems that only obsessed person would be down to do the math. Whats the prize here? An unreliable baby version of an adult in vicinity? No thanks

You need a whole episode on tactical empathy and patience.

Married to a DA for thirty years. I figured out the formula. Arduous work. It worked for me. I just mirror him. Now I am DAish…💀

Stonewalling=Ghosting= Drop a person like a used off object?

I love the comments! Seems like we're all basically on the same page-- if you can, run before they eat you alive!

As an avoidant that has taken the path to recovery, and in a continuously deepening and more happy relationship with the same person, for 3 years now, I can say that the stonewalling is true and ugly for everyone. For the avoidant too. Many think we like this state, however I hated it. I hated myself so much for it, and yet I couldn't do anything else but stonewall. A therapist told me once that avoidants have an attachement style of loving through separation...We have issues with emotional closeness because we are already overwhelmed with our own emotions that we are trying to keep bottled up... Now, I and my partner we both understand that when I stonewall, I freeze, I disconnect from physical reality, because I am reacting to a situation in a way that triggered a memory from the past where I couldn't set a proper boundary. And I am trying to put a boundary now to the past, with no success. When I stonewall I become a defenseless 5 year-old boy all over again, and I would project that reality into the other. I would feel rage and hate, and because I felt this rage since being a little boy, because of people overstepping constantly my boundaries and me not being able to say anything, then I unconsciously chose to put this rage on me. I have huge inner critic attacks when I freeze, basically telling myself how weak I am and how I will end up living under a bridge on a very cold winter... I realised that I was feeling emotionally homeless since a very young age, and that as many actual homeless people, they'd rather stay on the street than to have to try to trust other people again and have the comfort of a bed, a roof and a shower. I think emotionally that is why I, and other avoidants, have that fear of losing our independence. I had to get used to have an emotional comforting partner, and find trust in that comfort and in her. It is a habit that we have to change, and it is painful to change it. I fully agree that stonewalling, when not understood, is abusive. My partner got me to cut all previous contacts to exes, and any female friend that I had in the past. Which was hard, however I see now that was really for the best. It was hard for these persons, and they probably don't understand to this day why I chose to cut every contact with them. Still do not have contact with them. I realised that before I was a very agreeable and nice person, now I have more the tendency to put a boundary, say no more easily, and get annoyed more easily. When before it would be a huge and very intense explosion very rarely. Once a year or something, and really never to the person that actually caused any of it. A few recommendations, for the partner of the avoidant, and for the avoidant itself: - When stonewalling, look for grounding methods (sometimes quite radical) before trying any type of dialogue. Without grounding, nothing will work. Grounding like ice baths, cold showers, heavy weight/intensity training, boxing, eating very spicy, put an ice cube on the tongue, etc. I would usually go for a cold shower, or a heavy kettlebell swing serie of 20 reps, or for a few hundred meters sprints uphill... - After being grounded, it is important to work on expressing and letting go of the rage through body exercises and vocalisations (for ex: screams) - Writing everyday about what stresses me out helped me, and also what I am grateful for - Control and monitor the levels of stress through the day - Have a stress essential oil mix always handy for emergencies - Reduce intake of sugar and carbs, mostly in the morning, and prefer protein-fatty breakfasts snacks - We avoidants have a tendency to be addicted not to substances so much but more to spirituality, binge-watching, social media (that is our intimacy paradise), art, philosophical debates, etc. So, when we have an impulse to get avoidant, to binge-watch something, to go into FB or RU-vid, let's tend to ask ourselves, what do we need? Do we need to sleep/eat/drink/move? Let's fulfill that need. Are we having an inner critic attack? Let's ask for help, and say that we are having a very bad moment. Delete the FB account (I don't have one) or any other social media account. Just delete them. Subscriptions to Netflix, or Amazone Prime, delete them. - At some point, it is very useful to know who is the voice behind the inner critic (a parent, a relative, a group of people) - For PARTNERS, you will get into anxious mode when we stonewall. That is a natural response, whether you are already an anxious attachment type, or if you are secure. It is important that you keep touch with yourself, and not completely put everything on the avoidant. What I mean by that is, if you forget yourself completely when your partner stonewall you, that is YOUR responsibility. So to reduce that, educate yourself to better understand the dynamic and the needs of the avoidant. Remember that you becoming anxious is a natural reaction. Have compassion AND prepare your defenses. Have always in mind what limits you will not tolerate, and express them. Take space yourself to be alone and get a walk. Otherwise you will end up burnt out and resentful yourself. - What you want to look for is a reduction (not immediate probably, it might increase at the beginning), in the intensity, severity and duration of the stonewalling/freezing moments/inner critic attacks, and an increase in genuine jokes, in genuine sharing of what they feel and going through in the moment. If you don't have that after a few months, then leave. Even though we avoidants are traumatised people, others don't deserve to get overly traumatised by us and don't deserve to hopelessly try to help someone if this person doesn't want to be helped... Hope that helps and sheds some light. We avoidants have a huge potential to give immense love, care and intimacy. Stonewalling is the dark side of that. It is the huge potential for hatred, self-hatred, separation and carelessness...

Been with my avoidant wife for 19yrs and I’m an anxious but once I learned to pull away when she does she breaks after a couple days and comes to me wondering why then she’s all about being close and loving. Just ignore em and do your own shit they want to be emotionally abusive and test your boundaries you do it back for what ever reason they are doing it it’s seems to be about controlling the situation and relationship from what I’ve seen

I've been avoidant my whole life. I've been working on it the last few years. I had nooooo idea I had a problem, because I was taught a completely different reality than most people.

I actually want to be left alone. When I am at that point is when I'm being gaslighted or manipulated

Well, they can secretly want anything they like, but in real life they should take responsibility on their own actions and development. Of course you can help, if they ask and are working on their issues, but otherwise, just leave.

No one is worth this amount of effort

I just love the analogy with Wuthering Heights. I never liked that book but now it's become meaningful and relateable.

Her actions got her blocked. I was never trying to date her she wanted me and couldn’t express. Ultimately she disappeared on me and then I blocked her. Now she’s trying to reach out from random numbers texting and calling. Please go play games with someone else .

What's the point in performing any, let alone all, of these calculations for someone who is reciprocating AND acknowledging none of the effort, interest or energy being expended? I initially thought he was just avoidant but now am convinced that in the most vulnerable states I've ever experienced, that it wasn't a profound yet complicated connection that I'd fallen into but rather the throws of narcissistic charm and subsequent abuse.

222 comments that’s me and my beloveds number. I agree it takes compassion, compassion, compassion. And this is a good reminder of how terrified an avoidant feels about losing their independence. And how to work with them. Well done !!

I love how accurate the analogy is. That’s exactly what they are, frogs 🐸. Move on .

The doors thing and the visual parts, absolutely satisfying! Thanks, you’re a genius Chris. 👏🏼

💯% Truth. At 34yrs old, I am finally aware of my fear avoidant attachment style. Finally working to heal!

Thanks for sharing, your channel is gold!

Love this video! Helpful and informative, truly. But what I am saying next coexists alongside the insight you so eloquently provided. Avoidants aren’t worth the struggle for the most dismal odds of any appreciable payoff. At least AP people; despite being quite flawed in their own ways, have the desire to put in effort. The stats are stacked in favor of AP turning more secure while avoidants far less frequently heal. Committing to an avoidant is committing to walking eggshells and deluding yourself that tolerating their fragility makes you secure. A real secure person values themselves too much to have to research fbi negotiation tactics to handle their broken partner.

This video was nothing short of incredible.. Quality work!

This was the most helpful video I've seen on this subject. Thank you!

This was some next level quality my friend. Subscribed.

Thank you so much for this video….its very helpful and gives hope to those in love with an avoidant …loving someone means being there for them even when it’s inconvenient for us ❤️

This video was so well put together bravo 👏

This is called being manipulated, playing games and walking on eggshells. Sorry, but nope. I was avoidant and I learned to be secure. I don’t have time to play games with an avoidant who wants to string me along.

Lol If they are avoidant then why do they even try to have a relationship? I say give them what they want.... give them their freedom Bye bye Alot of mother enmeshed men are avoidant bc they can't break up with Mommy Avoidants haven't developed emotionally 😅 and cannot handle emotions or relationships

Thank you for this video. Early childhood neglect and trauma changes the way you see yourself and others. It’s not that the avoidant doesn’t care. I am avoidant myself. As an avoidant myself I had to learn to self soothe myself as a child and did not have an example of healthy ways to regulate my emotions. I've been in and out of therapy for years now and done inner work and my attachment style hasn't changed. It is not easy for avoidants. I have constant guilt for avoiding closeness with others. I have been in relationships with other avoidants who held a mirror to myself which made me more self aware. From my experience most people do not have a secure attachment style.

Great video Chris ❤ those trigger points are very interesting too

It’s such a waste of time being with an avoidant. Just save yourself the bother and heartache, they won’t fix anything as they won’t even acknowledge that they’re avoidant and life is too short to waste it on people who won’t do any work while you’re running around like a damn chicken trying not to trigger to them and hoping you might one day get something back. You won’t. Leave them alone and find someone who actually values you and isn’t afraid to show it.

It sucks to say but I tend do this a lot as a fearful avoidant.. I may do this for several different reasons. I may do this during deactivation because it actually helps put distance between me & a partner. I tend to get anxious a lot during big milestones. For example, whenever my bf talks about meeting my family, I suddenly shut down.. Or whenever we talk about having children together, I shut down. Stonewalling is definitely one of the things I do during deactivation. I’m getting a lot better now but I’m currently in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. Whenever he deactivates, I become an anxious mess but once he reactivates, I shut down & start the stonewalling. It’s definitely a cycle that goes on between us but we’re trying to grow I suppose. Good luck to all!

This guy Chris is just a genious. Thanks for those smart and powerful insights

I have disorganized attachment & am an empath, my husband is avoidant attachment. I’ve been in marriage classes for a year & it really helped me grow into a better place. My avoidant husband started to respond, then when we moved he changed direction mid-way and went back to his old comfort zone… and back into his old comfort habits and I was blindsided and followed; much to both our detriment. After a year and a half of marriage and exhausted of hearing that he wants a divorce, I finally agreed to it (my safety has been put at risk)… he seemed shocked. I gave him choices and he’s to get back to me tomorrow. 😢

this video was phenomenal; you had perfect examples and visualizations 👏🏼👏🏼 instant follow

The delivery on this video is impeccable and easily digestible ✨

Such a great video. Thank you Chris.

Thank you so much, Chris. This last scenario gave me food for thought.

I have deep empathy for my D.A. specially afther everything she told me from her childhood . how she been misstreated , sexually abused . abandonned by her father and inc ... She is not a bad person she is just broken ... I love her the way she is , i don't love all her behavior tho . Hopefully one day she will come back to my healed version . and learn how to become more secure by herself.

I love the delivery of this topic!

Valuable info on stonewalling. Wish I knew then what I know now. Grateful for the knowledge, thank you. 😊

This is phenomenal , you really helped me with deeper understanding and tools to help me with my avoidant man thankyou ❤

Wow, new information. Thank you

So I have been married to an “avoidant” for ten years now and he is also bipolar II. What a roller coaster ride I have been on. These videos have really explained things to me in the last few months that I wish I knew ten years ago. I was a secure attachment style (even though I came out of a 29 year marriage to a man who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and Intermittent Explosive Disorder.) Now I have become Anxious attachment and it gets exhausting “giving him his space” all the time. It’s a lonely marriage and feels like a death by a thousand cuts. Luckily we finally just started marriage counseling and he is trying to get on meds for his mental health issues. He hid his avoidant style we when we dated because I am not a “chaser” and I was working full time and going to school full time. I think that drew him to me.

How to know the diffrance between them and narc? Cuz its quite similiar

So, I always thought I was avoidant. I think that's probably true, although I am quite self reflective and have pretty healthy habits. I always need space when I'm upset, but instead of stonewalling, I just ask for space. And, honestly, when I am given that space, it is such an amazing gift. It makes me feel completely safe. It makes me feel absolutely secure and increases the trust in the relationship. And then I can come back and we can have whatever discussion is necessary. I'm really lucky to have somebody in my life that I can have that peacefulness with.

Nice lesson thanks

Great information

YOU ARE AMAZING!

Awesome!! Thank you!!

Thank you for this video. 🙏.

It helps in situations with Narcissists and borderlines. I've dealt with both and they want to control

Don't reach out to an avoidant until they reach out to you. It is most likely that they will, and it can be a marathon. I've gone bouts of 4 months, 47 days, and currently 28. At this point I can give a rat's ass if she reaches out again.