Uncovering Limerence: Why It Terrifies Avoidants and Ruins Your Life 

You probably treated yourself much nicer and more attentive on your self date than that person ever would

I am intruiged tbh

⁠when you go on a date by yoursel do you talk to other people?

Thank you for the reminder. I used to do this years ago.😍

@@Mari-lv1rd I wear very nice like I’m on a date and go to a sports bar just to have drink by myself. Bartender would chat with me about games, and just being around people helps with the loneliness. We would share our love stories and struggle. But I also wanting to go some beautiful places so he wouldn’t think I’m trying to replace him so bad (he’s a fearful avoidant, always think I’ve got someone during our no contact. Being jealous whenever I was around guys like playing games or outing) But before this, I was always the one that leave and block my fearful avoidant and do no contact for 1-3 months, he would always come back. But this time it’s different. He’s the one wanting to end, also I found out that he still likes his exes posts and occasionally talk to them trigger my anxious attachment so bad. So I’ve been struggling to let go this time and really try hard to do no contact. Sometimes I even think no contact might not be the answer, because we have been on and off over and over again, I have no trouble getting him back, but to maintain the honeymoon phase, and for him not to run with things are smooth. Watched a new video on this channel, they probably do need a consistent, safe environment for them to breathe and still knowing we’re here. That can lowkey be the cure for them to truly heal and become secure attachment.

There os truth to this I think. Because before they were obsessed with the other men.

That's different.

🤯

0:05 I'm not so sure this whole approach is correct. Say you and I get together and we both have the same feelings as you do (supposedly limerence) and that life is to be lived to the fullest and be exciting as can be. What's wrong with that? Some people like myself enjoy a special person to Lavish all kinds of things upon. Wouldn't two people of the same caliber doing that for each other just have the greatest time and roll around in joy an excitement? Isn't being free to express yourself anything anymore? We've all been thru hard times and that makes us appreciate all the more the things we like and want in our lives and stay away from negative stuff. Avoidant people running away from tasting the essence of the moment and the love to be expressed, the happiness of joyful words said, just shows the maturity level they are on. Most Avoidants seem to be lacking in spirituality and connectedness to their soul, god, the universe. I think we can be full of joy about someone we click with and share our hearts fully without limiting about everything. If they can't handle the excess joy, excitement, enthusiasm, and talking about love languages in how you both like to express yourselves, wouldn't it be a good idea to start anyways so you know what you can do and not do out of respect and either honor the differences or just know what your dealing with? But for sure tell them what you like and what you want to show them. I like being excited for my mate. I've been close to death many times and I like expressing myself fully. I've got a lot of love to give and I think we should all give all the love an affection we feel like. This video is a little depressing and hindering true loving caring emotions. I understand some people may get lost in their emotions but I think everyone is trying to heal themselves with a good partner who will listen and share affection and connection intimately. If everyone was like you and me, I think the world would be a better place. We need to be able to express fully every our emotions to our partners and friends to explore our depths and respect what we like to share.

same as me, we decided to take a "break" for a month. before that i have no idea about attachment style and i figured out that i'm an anxious type and she's avoidant and we're in a ldr, we're both in 20s. she lovely at first met and we love bombing so much, we lived together for a month when she was home, and after came back to ldr she was really passive, not replying to my text almost everyday while she had a free time so i told her we need to talk bcs she's abandon me for a while. we talked on phone and i asked her why and did i do something wrong and she told me she's busy or dnd mode activated while scrolling tiktok, even said to me "you're not the only one i text" and it hurts me so much. later tomorrow, same thing happened and i asked her the same questions on phone, she immediately said "let's break up, i'm not comfortable with you anymore" and i didn't like it, and said "we can fix it, we're lacking of communication lately, what's going on, don't break up like this we don't have any problem, and now it's only a simple thing we need more communication", we're talking like everything is on the edge and nothing can fix it but then she agreed to break for a month. after break i'm trying to understand the problem but idk what's wrong she never talk about her feeling, trying to find help from a friend and she said "it was so toxic, just leave and love yourself she's not worth your affection, you will find someone balance". now i'm still hurt and trying to heal myself.

@@diazalbn If you were in a real relationship already it is not limerence. With a long distance relationship - this was not anything substantial. Obviously. Have you ever talked exclusivity and commitment ? Likely not, you may have been to afraid to even touch that area (what if she refuses and it is over). - again I recommend Following Fenna. Or you can be stringed along for a long time. That woman is not into you. Maybe she was unclear. Maybe she liked to have someone that she can sideline or call back as she please. BUT: Sometimes people want to be polite, sometimes she or he is not feeling it, but wants to give the relationship a chance. But while she may not have any cynical intentions - it will become a situation where you are not "the real deal" but the standin. you friend should not throw the word toxic around. I agree that the fairest thing would be to cut you off and be brutally honest about it. And NO CONTACT. Just in case she does the "we can stay friends" talk. SHE could be friends with you - your devotion may be your morst attractive feature. But that is not enough for her to desire you. And you certainly cannot be friends with her. you are the weaker one in the relationship (emotionally), so protect yourself. Not because she is toxic (she may or may not be, it does not matter). But because it is just not a good fit. Leave. Wish her the best - and leave. And cut off all contact (you can tell her why, so she does not feel bad about it, or assumes you are angry at her).

I totally get you. When I found out what Limerence was last year… I also found about about attachment styles… and I was in the midsts of being discarded by an avoidant. Not only was it painful since he chased me initially… but I was embarrassing to me that when I finally gave in and had sex…I was head over heels… while I was heels over my head. At 62… that was a big deal for me to find someone after being with the same man for 22 years and not having dating experience

Same, I am doing the exact same thing. I know why I am doing it, I moved to California from Minnesota and he is the only person I have met out here and the only person I have had any kind of connection with, I placed a lot of my “happiness “ on him. Unfairly, but it’s been so hard for me to let him go, stop overstepping boundaries, even when I know better. So very frustrating. Especially being so self aware as I am. Ughhhh.

So true.

You are right. We all need loving, care, empathy, and connection in the deepest levels so that we can all enjoy some bliss in this life!

It is a way in which your brain reacts. Check out Following Fenna.

@@Tadjuel11-11 yes, it is also a biological need. I guess the important thing is to be able to maintain a healthy objectivity of your own behaviour and if you develop feelings that are excessive or inappropriate or unreciprocated or interfere with your daily life, then you need to find ways to disengage and find healthy distractions. The main thing is to be able to be self-objective and moderate your behaviour so that you are in control of your own emotions and don't put anyone else off or disturb anyone and don't become a pest either.. 😀

@@franziskani thanks yes, I saw she's a counsellor. I'm Ok personally. I have had issues in a relationship with a guy who is an ex from two years ago, but we have kept seeing each other throughout that time, as friends, so I have struggled with my feelings as a result. I have watched a lot of different counselling videos though and now I have found that if I just give him space and I do other things and get on with my life and distract myself I am fine. He has avoidant issues whereas I have anxious attachment. Learning about attachment styles and being objective really helps.

Same… dating my avoidant for a year and it’s been so difficult. I feel addicted and my entire world revolves around how they’re feeling

Try focusing on yourself and your own interests & activities. You are just as important as the object of your limerance. It itakes some effort, but it is possible. We do have the power to control our thoughts & emotions.

I am currently experiencing the very same problems, to add that I have neglected myself way too much. I already have low self-esteem and now I am looking quite out of shape on top of that...limerance is a harmful drug that I know that I need to stop using, but I have started losing control of my over thinking which in turn affects my mental health and existing relationships. All that...for someone who is not remotely sure about me. What an utter shame... I have seen better days in my younger years. I was so much better being on my own, despite having other problems.

Same. Going on 10 years and my insecurities have only gotten worse. I can’t help but feel like he will leave me once the kids get older. If I get sick he won’t stick around. I hate the uncertainty

You're NOT alone! I don't know about your avoidant partner but I was in a relationship and they were married and they were the aggressor. They obsessed over 35,000 text every month we're in a long distance so we had a text all the time. But they're the ones that came at me I was pulling away they actually got divorced after talking to me for 3 months left their marriage yes there was problems before I came along. But we met after 3 months and it got even more intense We fell in love harder. And like any other avoidance the push pull came. This has been going on for 5 years I was no contact for 7 months I lost my shit cuz I miss them so much I said hi in an email to started talking again they started telling me they wanted to meet up this summer again for only the next day I didn't hear from them and I said here it comes I get a text I'm at the same person that I was before & I was meant to be alone. God I hate hate when they say that when they know we are best friends and have the best time together It's just getting them to meet up once we meet they don't want to leave. But like avoidance they are afraid afraid afraid. I feel your pain It sucks to be us.

That might be trauma bonding, it’s different. It’s worth looking up. I hope you are safe and happy now.

Your husband left?

Yup, thanks. This 100%. Existing in a unspoken, unsaid, unknown vacuum is the killer. There's nowhere for that energy to go. You just exist with no fresh air. Getting rejected at least allows the smoke to start clearing. You open the door and start letting it out.

Ouch

Detox❤though but doable

Crazy, I'm in the same boat. I often wonder if my woman would have had the near death experiences I've had if she'd be more like me. I know every moment counts and I like to make the best experiences I can because leaving here (death) could be inevitable at any moment. Why act as if we have time to blow away? We don't! Make the best with your partner and give all yourself they can handle and enhance the relationship. If they can't handle your enthusiasm are we to limit ourselves? Maybe a little, but seems to me we need to fully express ourselves to those who appreciate and get us. Limerence is a word trying to box in certain feelings and emotions that are actually endless if explored to where there's no words to describethe vast depth. If you love, if you need healing, if you need connection, (we all do) then dig within yourself, find the love in you heart and then share it with your partner all you can. If they cannot handle the overflowing joy and excitement then perhaps tell them why and how you became that way and that your not changing that unless there's more beautiful things to add abs grow from. Limerence is a false diagnostic word for people who just want a great connection and enjoy going deeper then the status quo of the day. We humans have a wide range of emotions and they are meant to be shared and reciprocated with others because everyone has the same emotions to work with for the most part. I'm not buying the whole Limerence definition of the day, because we are all focused on connecting the best we can with others and most of all, to our specific partner who gets us.

I just ended a 12 year barley figuring all this out, you are on the right track. Work on yourself is the answer

It’s your ego that wants what you can’t have. Not love. Real love comes through for you amen. Is reciprocal. Don’t waste all your masculine mojo on someone who won’t even return your calls ok. An amazing attachment therapist can heal your attachment style. Stop cumming Thinking about her. Feel the grief and pain and release it. After some time. Direct your focus to someone who will be there for you support your dreams kk. Real women need real men out here. Fantasies you can play out with your real woman. Let the dream look like someone else. Change your vision to be wi th someone who is reciprocal. Healing your childhood wounds is totally possible and doesn’t take forever it’s not a lose only situation. Here. Psychology today has a Brainspotting sin specialty for you to find a therapist in your area. Kk. They are usually trauma informed amen. Thais Gibson Has a bunch of free stuff on healing your attachment style too. I used to be anxious and am now mostly secure. I’m a therapist with over 20 years of Experience kk. Go well find and conquer your women. (Likely not that one. Don’t let her f up your real thing once y you get her too. Exes come back selfishly to take. It’s never worth going back. In my experience)❤

Hey I'm avoident and this is what was happening to me and my ex. I understand that things are good when their good and then they pull away. I told my partner to think of me as a scared animal you don't just jump into petting them. You hold your hand out and let them come to you. If this is not something you are able to do. Leave. It will hurt both of you. She wants to be close but is afraid of what that means. You both need to focus on your own attachment styles and fixing them. If they are not willing to change and if you are not willing to change it will not work. Make boundaries for yourself and stick to them And if they set boundaries either accept them or it won't work between yall

Very well said.

I think this vid is more about OC personality traits leading into stalking behaviours.

There is so much more to this issue. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and loneliness drive the obsession. It is like recovering for substance addiction. One has to be in a place where say "enough is enough". This is no good!

It can happen in relationships too. When you are dating an avoidant, they can withhold attention or do intermittent reinforcement creating that vacuum where the anxious partner can obsessively think about their partner. It can be demoralizing as feelings are unreciprocated because the avoidant doesn’t develop these intense feelings. When you break up, the anxious person can pine away for their ex and at that point limerence takes a heavy toll. But yes, it can also happen inside a relationship (situationships).

@@feminineenergy653 100%. It's so hard to come to terms of no contact ever again, given those parameters , which I am totally in. Thanks for the concise comment, it's really helped

​@feminineenergy653 yes, true. Situationships are the perfect breeding ground for limerance and everyone else can see it but you can't. Or you can but you feel you also see something deeper and more meaningful etc... It's difficult to admit at the time, especially when you feel other things aren't going well in your life

Avoidants create their own damn problem with this.

A "platonic " male friend (that was like a brother to me) had very hidden sexual fantasies about me for over thirty years. I was unaware of his limerant feelings until he came onto me physically when we were together and it was only then I realized I was with a person I did not know . I felt very violated and unsafe. He was always predatory.. I cut off the connection immediately . He was like a wolf in sheeps clothing....

I read it. gl

He was using Jennifer as a hypothetical example of limerence. The scenario he put forth never happened. Believing so must have been very confusing to you. Limerence will never end up a healthy marriage

so true!

i'm secure before and now i'm anxious bcs my avoidant gf, lost my mind really

@@diazalbn I’m right there with you, Sir. I’m 43, and never had a breakup like this. I’ve never resorted to looking at media platforms or dating coaches for answers. I’ve always accepted my fate and bounced. This breakup has me on the stringer for going on 4 months now. Painful…

​@@DonkKong72I'm wondering what it is with these Avoidant types, the seem to be damaged the most

Please don't think like that, you're not screwed if you don't want to be. Accept the challenge to better yourself, your life and the people and situations. Live as healthy as possible, keep getting information and learning as you are doing. Associate less with people and places that don't support your growth and healing direction. New people will cross your path, even if it's just for an hour or maybe someone who becomes a friend or partner...if you make the most of each situation, then things will improve and you will become more trusting and secure and have less anxious or avoidant reactions. People who are doing well in life and are kind will help you vibe properly because you can reflect and sync the example of their energy, but attaching to anyone is always subject to disappointment because we can never control or direct the course of another persons life, things change...your experience of .secure attachment is always and only within you and that's where to develop step by step so that your experience is steady.

Not love. Love is based on a real person and involves genuine feelings. Limerence sounds more like a core wound of childhood neglect that the limerent person is trying to fill. There's a hole they instinctively try to fill. What's bad is that it's very self centered and doesn't consider the feelings of the person on the receiving end. Love actually does consider the feelings of the person on the other end. Limerence is about self and entertaining a fantasy about a made up person.

pets do heal ❤🐱🐕

❤

find a game ur better at than she is. Keep wining

surprise surprise! I am an emotional Virgo suffering from limerence

Really? Doubtful that you’re anywhere near being a CP.

I will pray for you, you can have a better future. I understand how hard these feelings are to deal with when unreciprocated. Get to the root of the issue because likely, it isn’t her and it’s deeper than that. God bless❤