Victims always reflect, not deflect on the situation, trying to piece everything together, asking what went wrong? what did I do to cause the behavior? or betrayal? Maybe I'm a bad person? Maybe I wasn't doing the right thing? Where as the narc will never find fought in anything they do, they will always project their lack of accountability onto the victim because they never do anything wrong in their minds, they will never admit to any thing, they don't wanna feel any remorse, guilt, or shame. Even if they know they are wrong, they manipulate you into thinking it was always your fault, even their reactions to exposing the wrong they did by raging and getting up set.
12:00 Chronic stress.. The narcissist will fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow, while the victim of narcissistic abuse will ruminate till 6am about the argument the narc started over absolutely nothing.
Fascinating video, Let's stop taking relationship and family for granted. I have battled depression since my wife left me. I have tried all I can to make her see that I love her with everything I am made of but she has insisted on leaving. This has made me so empty, and I do not know what to do. I can barely function properly at work. I am frustrated and miserable. I really miss her.
Your pain resonates with me. Letting go of someone dear to your heart is an immense challenge. I found myself in a comparable situation when my 12-year-long relationship ended, and I struggled to accept it. Despite my efforts to reconcile, I eventually turned to a spiritual counsellor for guidance, which eventually led to a reunion. I'm now filled with joy.
Online, you'll find shelly renee white, revered for her expertise as a spiritual counsellor. She has the ability to reunite couples and promote holistic well-being.
Victims may also suffer from extreme anger issues due to the injustice they faced and may find themselves hyper agitated, all the time to the points people will believe they are in fact the abuser?
Wow! I was not aware of this and what you said would explain a lot of what I’m dealing with. I feel like while living with my narcissist my children are always the ones that I tend to take it out on and i know it’s a serious problem! I am in the process of seeking help. I feel absolutely terrible bc I have no patience and am always irritable with them and it breaks my heart! I don’t want to traumatize them anymore!!! Please pray for me!!!
I have gone through this stage where the impotent anger I felt towards the narcissist was directed towards my young children..and I used to snap at them very often for their child like errant behaviour..and then I used to suffer from guilt for taking it out on them..now feeling bad thinking about those days..
The victim is often the distressed one acting out, speaking out, going round in circles. Also the victim is way more likely to go to therapy and be watching clips like this. They can seem cold and hard when they go no contact. They may be ruminating. They may not appear to be questioning or blaming themselves but may appear quite angry at the injustice and wrongdoings. Their emotions may be heightened in every regard. They may appear suspicious and untrusting and accusing. They may be reclusive. Yes reactive abuse is a very real and horrible thing.
AND: once one has reached a level of healing victims of narcissistic abuse may also just turn away from the idiots who ask what did you do to MAKE the narcissist abuse you (🤬🙄😱), knowing how much energy it will take to convince them IF EVER/AT ALL.
This is the part of the video that worries me. Because I don't present like the victim he describes, ie. if yet another person asks me a stupid question like, "was it just you, or did he ever hit before?" My ex was always, and maybe still is popular, and wealthy, so he gets away with a lot. Also, we need to acknowledge part of any grief stage usually includes anger, so I find I get angry at dumb questions if and when I choose the wrong person to open up to. And it's been over 2 years of separation but sometimes I do still need to talk about random post trauma issues that pop up (after 14 years of abuse)... the video sometimes makes it sound like if, because I'm still talking through my healing, anger and trauma that I was NOT actually a victim... so I love most of his videos but this one has thoughts and statements that may be misinterpretive and hurtful to victims who don't present exactly the way he describes.
Since YEARS, I am NOT able to trust people again because I was facing female AND male narcissistic abvse. That's why I am really preferring to go on trips alone. I love being (left) alone, like calmness and really appreciate boredom. Meanwhile, my former narcs in my environment are in several different relationships (due to their cheatings, what a surprise❣️). 🥴 But still, thanks to your videos, I will be healed again 😊 ❤️
I can relate to your post. I refer to it, for myself, as living in the eye of the hurricane. As the narcissistic chaos swirls around, I choose to move to the center of calmness. As I move towards healing, I am preparing myself to eventually break through the walls of this storm, into a new day, a new life, and leave all of its destruction behind. I will keep hope and pray for courage.
@@rde4017I was told that by my counsellor and after reading about it, watching videos like this and paying closer attention to my behaviour did realize that unfortunately is my case, I'm trying to get help from the NHS in the UK to be seen by a trauma therapist so far, nothing has happened, the waiting list is insane, but hopefully somehow I'll be able to see a specialist as I want to rebuild my life
I am definitely a victim. She's 90 today, but has left narcissist brothers and my son to take her place. They were groomed very well by her. Very good at acting just like her. So sad for them.
Thank you for this. I’m always looking for narcissistic traits in myself. And I have them. But, this is very reassuring. I always think of the labyrinth. Where there are two doors, and you have one question to ask one of the door knockers which door should you go through. One always lies, and the other always tells the truth. You do not know which one always lies, or which one always tells the truth. So what question should you ask them? The question is, “are you a narcissist?”😂 The narcissist will always say “no,” the non-narcissist will say “maybe?”
Re: Sign No. 1 - A more healed victim will not blame themselves as much. I spent 20 years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, how I could improve, and trying to understand him. Not anymore. Once you gain clarity, you KNOW it wasn't your fault. And I did witness one of my friends jumping into relationships with other men quickly (Re: Sign No. 5). She was desperately looking for love and affirmation, and in about a year, she stopped doing that, beat her alcoholism, and has stayed single and healthy since then. I want to stay single for LIFE after what I've been through! Seriously doubt I'd ever trust another man with my body, or in my home.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
My ex-wife played mind games with sex. She would do things like needle-work or read books (during the act). She wanted to drive home the message that I was the worst lover ever. Then after the divorce other women told me I was terrific in bed. That's when I realized I wasn't doing anything wrong. It was part of the narcissistic abuse.
@@danmurray1143 that is fucking horrible. Omg.... I have damaging story to tell as well. But can't on here. I hope you've found a better partner. That's horrible. Omg
@@RoseRoseRoseRoseRoseRose I have no freedom, I left him for 12 months then bought him out of the house, I moved back in in January but he’s still here 😔 with all his hoard … I’m paying for everything & he’s doing nothing just saving his $, iv locked myself in my room the past 3 days & nights I’m very depressed & don’t know what I’m going to do now I just want to run away 😢 my father passed last month & last week my mother broke her hip, I’m 61 I can’t do this much more iv tried & I just can’t …
I asked the narcissist "how are we going to solve our marital problems," and he was stuck for an answer. His job was a high school guidance counselor. Now he's 82 and all alone. All the videos and comments are important sources to help others dealing with narcs. Thank you. Rheumatoid arthritis in my fingers began when I was young when dealing with a custody battle that he won.
They pretend to be the hurt victims yet they leave us damaged . We lost so.much .I remember how stress and mental fatigue I always was I would always need to catch a nap when they leave the house . The hair loss in my head ,dandruff that would never go away no matter what. Pelvic inflammation that would flare up every single time they come in contact .time and years lost . So glad I have managed to regain all the others except the years wasted
I truly think I’m in a marriage with a narcissist. I was literally writing him on why I failed this marriage this morning as he is involved in an affair and doesn’t care that it’s hurting me. Multiple affairs, never takes responsibility for his actions, domestic abuse, I have fibromyalgia, eczema, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, insomnia. I don’t know why I watched this but this is my relationship. I’m so tired and worn out from trying to fix things. I’m so tired….
A narcissist will never admit to the unprovoked abuse they do whereas the victim will admit and even elaborate the reactive abuse they had to resort to. Narcs have voracious appetite and great sleep but the victims suffer and develop physical and mental symptoms of abuse.
Thank you, Danish 👏🏻 My ex said for years, that he was tired and worn out - even tough he was the one who slept for 10-12 hours most days, and i only godt 4-6 hours because of all the chores to do and him keeping me awake with his extreme snoring 💤😴 I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2016, doing better after leaving him i okt. 2022.
100% true. While e.g. I've suffered insomnia and all kinds of all illnesses from my early childhood though I was born absolutely healthy and doctors only found psychosomatics in me telling my family that nothing was wrong with the child but their relationships should be changed... they all could fall asleep right away and work all day feeling invigorated and full of energy... Even after I grew up and moved to the other end of the world...
I think the "admitting to what I did wrong" in the relationship is a great tool to measure am I the narcissist or the victim. A question I ask 10 times a day.
I actually asked a narcissistic sibling something that was about our past and it wasn't anything deep. The question i was gonna ask was "Do you remember the (female person) smelling the oregano?" I didn't even have a chance to utter the words before they said "No, i'm not talking about it."
@@daveshore8671 I completely understand that. The way I see it, THIER karmic justice is that THEY have to live with EACH OTHER. I don't have to go through the drama, or the trauma.
Danish, All you said here is true but it sounds narcissist are blessed by everything, omnipotent, powerful etc. Whereas victims are poor, helpless creature. Sometimes it feels like i need to turn to a narcissist. It’s so much pain to suffer as a victim. Cannot bear anymore. Feels like we are sinned by God
You have no idea how this episode helped me today. I’ve been in a struggle for days wondering if I am the narcissist after my 36 year old son accused me of being one when I suggested that my ex, his father, was employing parental alienation for the last 20 years on all 5 of my children, a campaign to turn them all against me. Your list gave me great cause to understand that I’m am still being victimized by these narcissists, suffering because they are experts in getting me to doubt my own truth. Your video centered me back into reality. Thank you, I am grateful. I needed this today.
So true. Im witnessing this with a family member and their partner. Quite sickening the be exposed to and hard to protect the partner but theyre grateful for the support
I am very grateful for this breakdown. I keep wondering if I'm narcissistic because I am so easily triggered and have such troubles related to relationships. But the part about that a narcissist doesn't actually suffer the exhaustion and hyper-vigilence pretty much clears that up for me as these are my default states 😂 It makes total sense. We're the ones running around trying to please everyone and feeling worried and exhausted while narcs simply don't care!
Thank you Danish for this because as if my stress wasn’t enough I’ve been driving myself crazy over time gaslighting myself and wondering if I was wrong in my evaluation of the situation. Even though as you say now I have so many health issues and symptoms which I never had before. I know I did wrong things too but I’ve been questioning, my morals, character and judgment. He recently contacted me out of the blue with accusations. Not even a hello first. Just went straight into accusation mode with his email. Thank you again for your informative, educational, helpful and relieving videos. Bless. Have a lovely day. Please be safe.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO!!! I have not seen this topic from anyone else and trust me, I've seen hundreds! I was beginning to question if maybe I was the narc with the narc.
Thank you. I’m four years since he passed and hearing again about forgiveness which I thought I did but there are still things that make me mad and I’m going over my mistakes as God to forgive my actions that contributed to him being stressed. I want so much to settle it, shake it off, resolve it and move on. It’s like I’m stuck .
09:00 - Maybe before this lesson is over you will make a stronger case that a more healed victim will need to remember how they USED to react/respond to identify which they are.
I'm so glad you made this video Danish, thank you , such doubt was created, couldn't turn to anyone because i didn't know if they would be honest enough or even aware of the problem so i stayed silent, i already have severe complex PTSD which is a precursor for attracting covert narcs
It took so long to figure out my ex was intentionally keeping me on the brink of frustration and mental exhaustion for her own gain. It was never about partnership. I believe her parents had a very similar "relationship" to the one I got roped into, and the father died of a brain aneurysm. She got pregnant very soon after we started living together, and that has me terrified more than anything. If my daughter isn't actually mine, she'll have literally taken everything
Thanks a lot for giving me words and clearing my concepts ,The sentences which was thinking hard to come up with, pls do more like these , very helpful, you are no less than angel for me ❤
How does this resonate. I feel every one of those symptoms. Physical ailments oh yeah. Out the wazoo. Thank you for this. I was questioning whether I was the narcissist or not. I was beginning to feel like it was me. Now I know I’m not. Thank you. I can now work on feeling indifferent to the entire situation. Next step; the door will hit me where the good lord split me. When I’m damn good snd ready.
Hard stepping out of reactive abuse and ruminating. Injustice is an interesting journey as it robs you of life either way. Probably why some reference it to Evil.
All victims are very sensitive n they try to understand each and everyone around them, hook or crook comfort everyone... that's big drawback....My opinion 🙏
@@RoseRoseRoseRoseRoseRose Yes I have 3 grown sons and they witnessed physical and verbal abuse from their father towards me Telling them I am crazy and some other choice adjectives I can't say here.I did try to fight it and then just gave up. I love my son's but I can't be treated without respect any longer. I don't have much contact with them unfortunately. 🙁Very depressing for me.
Any children, not just sons, are both a source and a tool to be deliberately weaponized by the narcissist to harm the other parent, and the children remain so throughout their adulthood. The narcissist will also play the kids against each other. Keeping everyone else divided gives the puppet master narcissist power.
My mom is the head demon in charge of the family. She lies and punishes. My siblings complain about her while also lying and punishing and acting just like her. My siblings will always betray while acting like they are on my side. They want me in the family business but always have conversations with my mom behind my back. My mom does this to make sure they do what she wants. I once had a sit down meeting with my entire family all my siblings and my dad sided with my mom even though I had proof of my moms lies and manipulation. I have spoken to all of them about God and I don’t think they will have an excuse on judgment day. Also when I have lied cause I’m not perfect they punish me horribly. When they lie it’s just another day.
Don't like being referred to as a victim but I acknowledge what I've experienced with my parents and a couple of friends. It's like narcissistic behaviour is encouraged in my country
Im a bit concerned i have 4 out of the 5 signs however my ex did develop stress eczema about a year before he broke up with me. I know he was gonna through alot still grieving the passing of his granpa and covid really worried him he wouldn let us go anywhere during covid but now im wondering if it was because of me arguing with him asking him for more help and stuff. I go back and forth about if i was a good partner if i was supportive enough because he told me i wasnt i dont know honestly im so confused.
Thank you so much for this video. After I left I started to have problems with my endocrine system and thought it was just genetics but no one in my family has this problem. When you mentioned Hashimotos it was like a light bulb when off for me. Thank you so much your videos provide me with such a great space to feel validated.
I developed Hashimoto's as well, and Type 1 Diabetes the 8th year I was battered by my ex-husband. Still I stayed, because he would cry sometimes and promise to get help. Then he'd tantrum again, punch me and break a rib or headbutt me and break my nose or knock me down and concuss me. It only ever got worse and worse. I'm sorry you had autoimmune issues, too, and thank you for sharing. I find myself deeply angry sometimes, or weeping with loneliness other times, but know it's all part of the healing and it IS getting better. I love Danish's video that discusses the usefulness of accepting what our depression is saying to us. That is true. Think of Winston Churchill, "if you're going though Hell, keep going." Usually the next day I feel a little stronger.
@@deannabirdsong5660 Thank you for replying. It took me ages to try and get a doctor to listen to me when I was explaining my symtopms and thankfully I found one. These videos have really helped me as I am starting to remember things from my childhood and dealing with my abuse both parental and from my ex husband. They honestly give me an aha moment and make me realise I am not the crazy, oversensitive one.. I have no real recollection of my childhood memories while my friends remember them, nor do I ever remember my mum providing me with affection. Later I married a covert narc, I had accepted that is who he was after we divorced, later to discover when I was ina healthy relationship that my family is not healthy, I never had anything to compare it to until then.
Last argument my dad started, he was happily eating cereal and meanwhile I hadn't ate in over 24 hrs and he knew that and decided to stay in the kitchen so I couldn't eat. As if I even had an appetite anymore. I don't know how they can shake you up and just be completely fine.
I am so sure i am the victim. I have been suffering from their existence from as long as i can remember. They are so scared of me talking scared that i will spill the truth. They dont want me to talk about how they physically, verbally and mentally abused me. Today i almost got beat up again . Apparently i make them feel embrassed.
Curious....are narcissists selective as to who they unleash their rage to? Eg. an older gentleman told the narcissist 'that's why God gave you two ears and one mouth". No reaction or rage initiated towards the gentleman. So, quite a while later ... when I (as his girlfriend) got ticked off b/c the narcissist kept talking over me...I said the same thing to the narcissist. It set him off and all broke loose on me with the black eye reptilian rage outburst. Was I a lower level victim to the narcissist than the older gentleman? Thank you Danish.
I am a fighter, champion and survivor of a self centered family whose female members blamed the male members as narcissist, and male members blamed female members as dangerous. I tried to solve their problems, that's the Mistake i did, but eventually it gave me freedom from such weird family after 2 years.
thats so me Danish, so glad im out yet my ex is still my coach in online job, daughter and son are with him, once enough money i want them also to be with me. daughter 14 son 23. omg Danish they were the ones told me to free myself. i almost could'nt. im far from perfect i feel chronically ' guilt ' like im getting whips every sec when even think bad or have angry feeling to my narc parents, and my ex husband. our son tells me by text he forbids now his dad to have hope winning me back, cause when they have a fight at home without me, son tells me ex still lies... i feel so horrible for our son. but he assures me its better im not there and him being strong enough to handle his dad, cause he sees since im not there it weakend my ex husband so son takes the power over. also to protect his 14 year old sister. Danish, no child should take care like this for a parent, not even me! thnx for your knowledge. advices. charlie xxxx
I didn't realise until now that my IBS and Hashimotos were as as result of my abuse. It's been 14 years and I still haven't been able to properly bond with anyone. I have had superficial relationships, but nothing truly intimate *Question - I know someone who claims to have PTSD because of narcissistic abuse, however they display narcissistic characteristics, could this be a learned behaviour from years of abuse? Or are they a narcissist in disguise as a victim?*
Hi Danish! Thank you for a great video again and again! To be honest, I don't have PTSD anymore and I am also not codependent either. I feel healed and I thank God for that and to my wonderful 2 daughters! ❤❤ They are my life! I raised them alone and whilst being stopped by my ex narc. I am very proud of myself! I feel disgusted by these people, now that I know them to their core! Please, give my book a chance, it only has 100 pages and it costs only 10 dollars. It's called 'Biblia modernă, Evadarea din iad', by Cristina Bairam. I really want you to read it and tell me your opinion on it. My book basically says almost everything you said in most of your videos, but also has the cure for these messed up people! Thank you again for your positivity!
My query is does a narcissist purposely avoid u, make u wait for a message or call. Or try to slowly detach and hate the qualities in u which once they loved.Like they wanted to talk to u all the time and suddenly they tell u that u r very talkative,over expressive
please reply me something,,, im married to a narcissist. who tortures me immediately after mrj for 2 months. i came out bt ive a baby girl now didn't abort. he beaten me for his illegal affairs. shes 1 yr old. and now my parents are suggesting me to live with him atleast for a baby's future.just thinking of live with him is killing me. im dying everyday. he haven't spoken to me atleast in a labour.im following no contact since 3rd month of mrj... almost 1 yr10 months. how can i live with him? or have to go with him for my baby girl?
1. seek legal council. There are child support laws. 2. learn to depend on no one but yourself to raise your daughter. 3. look for a job and start saving as much as you can if you cant leave him right now. when you leave, expect nothing from him, zero money, no car, no food, lies, stalking you, threats, it will be hard for the first year but you CAN live without him
If you have the courage to go , I'm fairly sure the daughter will thank you for it later. I thank mine and she was blessed with a better husband and a great stepfather. Sending blessings😊
If you go back to him, you're giving him 2 prey + any more future prey victims you birth. You don’t just ruin your life going back, you ruin theirs. Anyone who truly loved you would not want that for any of you.
There is someone in my life who went back to her narc. Husband while therapists urged her to leave, she had 4 children at the time and all of them would have been far better off without their father. She was a co-conspirator, not a victim. She sat around smoking while all the abuse took place. You are not a co-conspirator, you are a victim with a need to get out. Get some professional help + lawyer and take charge of your life. (Now 30 years later the woman I know still doesn’t show any signs of remorse for the trauma her children suffered.)
You can do this. This will be your very greatest struggle. You can escape but it won't be easy. You must go slowly. You must make secret plans. Your family is pushing you toward him. Friends might. If you aren't sure they can be on your side you must not tell them your plans. You must try to get money and hide it. Then you can be independent. Then you can go for professional supports. I believe in you. You are here reaching out because you are strong. You will not let this break you because you love your daughter more than anything. Think calmly. Think of your daughter. Think of yourself. Think strategically. I believe in you. Keep that in your heart when you falter. You will make mistakes. You can correct them. You must become strong - your own person. But you can and will escape. You are not alone. We understand you. Prepare for a long struggle. Freedom will make that struggle worth it. You'll stay in my heart. Keep remembering that when no one understands. Don't tip your hand. Keep watching these videos. Educate yourself. I believe in you. You are a fighter. You are strong. You are loving. At your core this is who you are. That's why you are fighting, watching these videos. That's why you will get out 💜❤️🩹
Some narsesistic women married UP persnal as he has good property in villege, they feild in marriing to south indianas as they need minium of 25 lakh dauri which their family not able to manage
Just to get settld in mumbai some narsesitic personal got married to muslims 22yrs back, some got converted to chrichian to get job opportunity in abrod terrible menatality of tamilian womens.. can do anything for getting job and good doury
