Childhood PTSD Makes It Hard to Discern Good Partners: Here Are Some Signs 

My marriage of 40+ years is still as strong today as it was the first day I met her. She was very understanding as her upbringing was balanced, more love than anything else, whereas mine was violence from the age of four. I left home at 14 to live on the streets and at 16 I met my wife as she walked by and dropped some change into my cup. I thanked her and asked her if she would care to grab a bite to eat, amazingly she accepted, this was during the mid 70's where homeless people were classed as beggars, therefore shunned most of the time. We talked and laughed and as she got to know me, she liked me. Several weeks later she brought me some clean clothes and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie, I eagerly accepted and popped into the public washroom and got changed. We really hit it off as she finally realised that because I was homeless I wasn't a loss, as I kept on making her laugh and eventually I ended up living with her family for a few years before we tied the knot and got our own place. She has always been there for me as I for her and I will never forget the kindness she showed a stranger that cold November morning.

The best thing I ever did to heal my trauma was to learn to be alone and to heal during that time. To stop dating completely. Not for a few weeks or months- for eight years. Until you have healed you’ll bleed all over others and may even be the toxic one in the relationship. Take all the time you need

I had really bad relationships until I was 35, attracted by my childhood trauma. After years in theraphy I met my husband, and he’s NOTHING like ”my old type”. He’s kind, thoughtful, honest. He does what he says and says what he means. I dumped him after a few weeks, so scared of the unfamiliar feelings he stirred. We didn’t have the highs and lows, the superdramatic pattern I associated with love. Then I changed my mind, painfully aware of WHY I got scared, and thankfully, he was still there. That’s almost 3 years ago 💞. You can learn to love and be loved by someone that’s good to you, and for you. I don’t miss the drama at all now, but I had to make a concious decision to learn new ways of love.

A good partner… someone who is always there for you, listens to you, makes you their priority, know you can rely on them, your best friend and partner through good and rough times, one you can laugh with, one you can TRUST!!!!!!!!!

i feel that self-aware cptsd survivors often don’t want kids. we didn’t have great childhoods and i think we’d hate the possibility of having our kids relive that because of us, or maybe we just don’t think we’re loving or nurturing enough to be good parents. it sucks to see other people, though, that do want kids but are blind to their shortcomings that will impact their parenting. i wish that people like that would pay more attention to the huge toll that we have as caretakers on prospective children and that we should be more selfless in our desire to have children. having children not because we want to give love to someone, or feel loved, or because that’s what everyone else is doing, but because we want to truly nurture and guide people along the path of life. bring THEM happiness, not us.

Our brain is changed by trauma. By a chaotic or abusive childhood or abusuve relationships. That is what feels normal. So when you're in a peaceful loving relationship it feels like something is very wrong. It messes with your intuition. So we leave and go back to awful relationships because our brain interprets this as normal. Can we talk more about not sabotaging good relationships and recognizing good relationships please?

Speaking out of my own experience as a man, I would like to pick up on that household chores conflict. I definitely changed in that regard when I started caring for my inner child. The little boy inside me needed a strong emotional foundation to create space for the real adult transformation. But many men cling to their inner child and avoid caring for themselves and their surroundings. This looks as being lazy, but is a alarm bell for childhood trauma and a separation between self and reality. So I think it is kinda dysfunctional as a partner to "support" these bonding mechanisms (like in 27:00) by brushing them away comparing chores to other household features like "bringing home money" or "stabilty". It is great to see the greater picture, but for me it is incredibly important to even things out as good as possible and to show that you try to do your part - especially when caring for yourself, as this is only healthy. Disclaimer: I may be projecting on this right now, but I thought about leaving it here anyways. May it help anyone

My background and history are different from the writer’s but my wounds, fears, and coping mechanisms are very similar. I recognize myself so much in her debilitating inability to figure out what is true and what is trauma, what she wants and what she may be sabotaging, trying so hard to listen to herself yet doubting her thoughts and emotions at every turn, trying to see and weigh all perspectives at all times and going nowhere for fear of taking a wrong step. She sounds so self aware and willing to learn yet so lost at the same time and I empathize a lot with that feeling.

The hesitancy of her being a parent is a good example that she is thinking logically at times. Unhealthy people really need a healthy partner.

If they are still living in their parents garage, she is right to not feel ready nor want children yet. Meaning: children are expensive and they will need more financial stability (which will contribute to feeling more confident or capable of providing for the children) She should trust her intuition

I have cptsd but remember having SO many nice boyfriends when I was younger, so much so that my childhood sweetheart found me 30 years later. He loves me so much but I keep pushing him away but don't know why. Somebody said I'm afraid to be happy. I believe I'm afraid it'll end because when I was happy before when it ended, it hurt really bad.

Believe your intuition! It’s correct if you’re feeling uncomfortable something is wrong!

THIS video fills a void in the spectrum. Thanks for making this.

This woman in the story is simply a miracle of a survivor. Most people who have this kind of childhood most often end up dead, addicted, jail and so on. Life finds a way

A lapse in her mental growth. That hit so hard. That describes my mom. When she lost her dad she stopped growing mentally. I felt like I had to parent her and raise my brother.

I really like how you addressed the housework stuff! I'd love to see a video from you about this. For me, I was the "Cinderella" of the family (if that makes sense?), and parentified from an early age, expected to do most of the housework, etc. So I fell into relationships with men who were more like children I had to take care of, because it was familiar. But then, I'd end up resentful for doing all the work! So through hard experience - and learning from same-sex couples! - I've come up with these ways to avoid that: 1. Select for partners who already have a clean house on their own. If I go to their house and it's dirty, that's a nope. 2. Don't start out cleaning up after them. If they cook for me, I'll volunteer to do the dishes, and I watch to see that they do the same (I've learned that this is the "normal" rule). I don't pick up after them. I make it clear with my words and actions that I'm not trying to be anyone's mom. 3. Before moving in together, I make sure we have a clear, straightforward discussion about finances and housework. And I stick to it. Of course, if one of us is sick or dealing with other life issues, I'd expect the other to pick up the slack. But I will not go into living together without being very clear about this. In some ways, it might seem like I'm being a really selfish b-word. Maybe that's just my inner critic, or the voices of entitled man-boys I've internalized, but I own it. My current/potential bf responded to that with, "Expecting the bare minimum from a relationship isn't being a b-word!" Which makes me think he might have potential, lol. I could go on and on about embracing/reclaiming the inner critic, but that's another topic... :) Thank you SO MUCH for all you do, Anna!

Hi guys, it's 'Mina'. Thought maybe you'd like an update and it would be helpful to me to get a few things off my chest. First thank you Anna for responding, although in retrospect I think probably I left far too much out in an attempt to be fair and not sound like I was throwing blame around for you to really give an accurate assessment. Now this relationship has ended and I'm feeling kind of drained and sad and empty but not completely horrible. Things had been slowly fizzling out for a long time until a mutual conclusion was reached recently, so there's no hurt feelings or doubt really. I mean, a few little 'what-ifs' running around in my brain but nothing that affects anything, we both knew it was the right decision. I see in the comments a lot of people picked up on the situation correctly and gave sound advice, so thanks everyone. I have to say, although my childhood sounds horrible in these sparse words, it wasn't all that bad until I was a teenager. I grew up in a small remote village in Iceland (I don't care if you know this, unlikely I'll ever meet any of you) with less than 100 people, and it was a lovely place and I had good people around me, but I think such environment can breed codependence. But I still love the place and go home regularly. Last summer I even intended to take a journalism job there and that's when I seriously started rethinking the relationship, he couldn't have moved there with me. Then the job fell through anyway unfortunately. I guess the final nail in the coffin came a little before christmas on a couple of occasions when he got drunk. He's always super honest when drunk, always making confessions. The first time he confessed that he had smoked pot behind my back several years earlier which he'd said explicitly he wouldn't do. The lying is more bothersome than the act. The second time he told me he sometimes felt so terrible he didn't want to live (he has a bunch of trauma too as you've rightly guessed), said he tried to get an appointment with a psychologist and was told there was a 2 year wait list! Which I think is deplorable. And then he proceeded to throw up all over the floor... So that was really the final straw. Didn't see the point of continuing since we were both so unhappy and he agreed. But I care about him and I don't particularly appreciate you labelling him a loser, yes, he was having a hard time finding work but not for the lack of trying, he just finished his education as a lawyer a little late in life and apparently there is a surplus of them on the market here in Iceland. A big thing that got left out was his autism, he has asperges which probably affected things more than I was aware of. He didn't actually tell be about it until a couple of years into the relationship and I didn't realize all the ways it manifested. So about my healing, I'm super wary of these 12 steps programs, firstly because talking in front of people gives me anxiety and secondly because of the faith component, I don't have that, so I don't know how that would work. I'm not at all a spiritual person. We don't have all those programs available here that you have in the US but we do have al-anon and CODA, but yeah, still avoiding that. I saw recently someone had translated The body keeps the score in Icelandic so I will try to find that. Otherwise, I go out in nature and that's probably the closest I can get to any sort of spirituality (it's just difficult right now because of the heavy snow) and I have friends that I can talk to if I feel like it. But I think I'll be ok since I'm not a total wreck at the moment.

I actually cried listening to this. I hope I find someone lovely, balanced and patient some day

Mina is such an introspective person and I loved her writing. Her thoughts and questions are just so thoughtful for a young person, it's very clear she's a resilient person through and through. As a clinician, I would love her as a patient because she's very committed to her healing. As for medications: it helps your feelings feel more bearable so if you're really having difficulty overall functioning, it can lift you out, but for the anxiety and fear triggered by attachment wounds --- I don't think it's really that effective just for these circumstances (again we don't know her mood outside of the relationship) and if another hard situation comes along, we can't just rely on it to not feel overwhelmed. However, most people with attachment wounds end up also end up not being able to regulate or understand their emotions very well because because they were modeled how to in a destructive way or weren't taught how to manage their emotions at all. I always recommend patients to learn skills and practices before or in addition to taking medications. Treat it as a tool, but not as the answer to our pain and suffering.

I so appreciate Nina’s honesty. She sounds like she is a fighter. I have no doubt she will find joy in her life. She sure is making the effort. I love your response. It is so kind and direct. Thank you!

I had such a guy in my early 20s and I let it go because I thought there'd be plenty of that but I was in for a surprise. Absolutely problematic guys came my way after that. One after one abusive, unhealed, commitmentphobes, just sheer jerks with anger issues. I feel sorry I let the real one go. We are still in touch, he is married with a kid now and I am married too but I felt more respected and cared for when I was with him than I do with my husband. My husband is pretty great too but he is impatient and short tempered and doesn't have the patience of a saint like my ex did and I think of how I made the decision on breaking up a perfectly good relationship because I had issues in my own mind and later found out that I let a good thing go.

This comment section is so healing. I can tell cuz I’m lowkey catching feelings for people that are so matter of fact healthy minded. That “attraction” is how you know my cptsd symptoms are showing

She doesn’t love him. She’s not into him. She’s not attracted to him. She would like to shake him off. That is totally fine. There doesn’t even need to be anything wrong with him for it simply not to be a match or not to be the right time. She may not know who is a good match until she is out there independent living in her own place developing herself. Antidepressants will not make you fall in love with someone that you don’t want.

i think one of the most simple things someone with trauma neeeds to learn to do is to start asking am i happy with this choice.

This video helped me so much. I grew up with an abusive mom, and I sometimes cannot distinguish between what’s healthy and what’s not. Thanks so much Anna for the work you’re doing, and thanks so much to the people who put themselves out there, writing these super personal letters and allowing them to be read out loud to the world. Thanks! 😁👍

Great video! It took me 13 yrs of relationship and 5 years of therapy to understand that all the abuse and abandonement I was subjected to in my childhood twisted my ideas about love, attachment and co-dependency. Having your own home away from your abusers is fundamental to recover.

This letter shows great self awareness, hard work and a sense of humour (the abandoned collander!) These are all some of the best human qualities (although watch the hard work isn't exploited - use it for you and your loved ones) All my hope and support for your ongoing recovery and management.

I really liked this topic! It’s nice to hear about “green flags” too.

Anna! It's Mother's Day here in Australia, and I just wanted to say happy mother's day to you! Even though I'm not much younger than you, you're like 'the mother we all wish we had had' to so many of us. You're wonderfully warm and perfectly firm and you just have the most beautiful manner 💗 You're a true blessing, and I'm glad you've managed to turn your Crappy Childhood in to something that benefits so many. Thank you for your Fairy magic 😘

I agree with two things from this video: get an own place away from parents and take up couples therapy. The young man described sounds dubious - but that's what couples therapy is for. Mina, you deserve the VERY best, because what seems to be the best option for abused children seems just normal for children with healthy parents. You gotta aim a tad higher to end up in an average good life situation, because you've been experiencing bad life for so long that it just looks normal to you.

My problem is that when I met a nice guy and he likes me, develops feelings for me, and wants to be around me, I end up subconsciously sabotaging the whole thing. When a guy shows me that kind of attention and I catch myself being happy, I instinctively start thinking he must have a hidden agenda and that he’s going to hurt me if I allow myself to let go and get too close to him.

I'm not dating consciously for myself. Got over a year and a half under my belt. I'm focusing on my life, my needs, my joy, myself. I'm really starting to enjoy being free. Health is my number one priority right now. This might take some time to recover and heal fully but it's worth the time and energy.

Ooofff… Here’s what I heard: He’s laid back and not serious. He doesn’t help around the house. She feels like a caretaker. His love language is “words,” hers is “actions.” Sooo… he says things but no action? He wants kids but already doesn’t take care of things at home. “Out of it” drunk twice a year is not normal. And then a bonus eyebrow raise: Her parents don’t like him. That alone, not a big deal, but combined with the rest… I mean- yeah. It sounds like a pretty standard lazy husband marriage. I still have no idea what positive qualities she mentioned. He’s “patient” and says the words that he cares, even though he really knows her? I don’t see any other positive thing mentioned.

Acknowledged my childhood trauma and desired motherhood so I prayed, sought and received wonderful help which I feel blessed and thankful for. I found that mothering my children the way I felt they deserved, and, I deserved as a child seemed to be a blessing for all of us.

I don't care how "common" dope smoking is said to be these days, if something is below your class of standards or you are not comfortable with, pick better guys/folks to have around. There are plenty of men that do not require being "slowed up" to get through life. Standards, ladies-uphold them.

If he doesn't help now, he will help LESS when married, and she will end up taking care of house, kids, herself and him. Don't do it... run! I lived this for 25 years and then decided I deserved better and haven't looked back since. My advice to everyone who wants to get serious/married is that what you have right now is the BEST you will get, it is going downhill from here. If less than 50% of what you have today is still fabulous - get married... but if it isn't don't because you will regret it.

I'm 43 w PTSD. My parents sucked. I'm an overachiever but can't keep a relationship. I finally went to therapy to learn all this. Advice is to start, there are professionals out there to guide you in your thoughts. I know I have trust issues and issues feeling accepted and loved. I KNOW it's counter productive for me to be in a relationship until I heal myself and learn to love myself first. So I'm OK being alone even if some days are harder then others; I personnaly don't want to hurt anyone but I know in my past relationships that im a push puller. Healing is a process and it's not linear but decide to start.

As a man with CPTSD I can say that I’m trapped between only finding bad partners and knowing that if I’m picky at all I won’t have any partner. So I choose not to date. I try to meet people but the people that like me are all extremely damaged and the people I like aren’t into me.

Don't have kids with the guy if you're not sure and if he doesn't pull his weight around the house. Don't do it just because you don't want to "deprive" him of children. I think there's a lot of wisdom here from the crappy childhood fairy but I really don't think she should be telling you how you feel - that you love him - if you don't feel able to say that. Or that you should be talking his love language if he doesn't talk yours. Even if he does tell you you're great, words are cheap. I also don't buy it that it's OK for a husband to not do chores if he brings in an income.

Your work is healing the lives of many people around the world. Thank you so much!

This really moved me. Wise Fairy, thank you for your compassionate and wise read on this couple. You rock! I chose not to have a partner and not to have children and I know it's 99% rooted in CPTSD and being in a traumatizing relationship with an abusive borderline man on and off during the last years of adolescence and the first years of my adult life. In hindsight, it would have been very healthy for me to take the leap and give a relationship with other (healthy) men a chance. Now at 59, I'm maturing into it but still scared and feel like running the other way, keeping interested guys far away from me. I'm terrified that my discernment is out of order when it comes to men. This video stirred up some raw stuff that I've hidden under the carpet for too long. I do wish that I had mustered up the courage to "do" a relationship earlier, if not for life-long commitment then for the practice of relating and for the gift of being mirrored, and not least, to be loved and to love. Well, it's never too late to let myself ditch the control and let love enter my life. I'm willing and I really do hope I'm able. I have enjoyed being single but I know my life could have been richer and more fulfilling with a loving partner. I've worked so much on healing the issues of the past. It's time to reap, it's time to live. To the young woman in the letter, I'm glad you dared to be in a relationship and I wish you great healing and a life according to your soul's desires!

I have a Nina kind of story. But am 51. I left the good man back then when I was 29. He is the father of my child who is now 26 (and is the best thing that ever happened to me). I regret the mistake of leaving my ex - due to my cptsd but luckily we always stayed family. We were each others big love. That’s comforting to see and feel - afterwards. I keep on struggling with relationships. Though learning. And growing. Love the channel. It helped me recognise the complicated intersections of many traumas at once… ✨🙏🏾

Yes, this. I find i am more likely to get spooked by Anything triggering in a relationship or when dating. Any flaws of the other person, I run screaming from not only red flags but yellow flags and sometimes even green flags. It was helpful to hear about what healthy inperfection sounds/feels like. Thanks!

I am in the same situation right now. My boyfriend of four months is out of town right now; a week before he went away we had a near break-up experience. We had a really wonderful few days before he left, but now that he's gone, I realize how minuscule our problems have generally been, given how difficult a partner my CPTSD makes me. This video makes me want to do "attitude of gratitude" exercises every day until he gets back, and sit him down when he does and tell him how grateful I am to have found him.

Thank you so much for this video. I have CPTSD (abandonment issues) and I’m in a relationship with a great guy. This video helps me to see that we love each other so much and I need therapy so that I can not only be a better partner to him but a better person. ❤️

I had a terrible childhood but I learned how to identify a healthy relationship through my escapism in books. I spent most of my life reading teen fiction, which is full of wonderful star-crossed lovers. I found my soulmate in high school, and we've been together ever since.

Move far away from the parents renovated garage. Do this as soon as possible. Small apartment. Long commute. A less nice area would be all much healthier and give you breathing space. Day to day living is dull. Get into a new area. Don’t let chores be a breaking point. Also go elsewhere be a young couple. Only then can you have space. Then if you still feel strongly about no kids, then it could well be time to honestly say goodbye. You have time on your side. Meeting a good guy when you are young, this gives you a true choice about children.

Yes. We all need an inside look at what a good relationship looks like. I don't think I've ever seen one. How to create what one has never known? It can't be all put on the other person - if one lucks out and finds a healthy partner - that's not fair at all. And I reached an epiphany the other day, that I get into relationships to heal others. (Probably expecting them to do the same for me subconsciously.) And that I don't have to do that, I'm worthy of love without having to do that, be that. But growing up taking care of my mother from a very young age, I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like. What do you do in one? Just exist and be yourself? Odd.

I had really unhealthy remationships until 2015 aged 39 - I wish I would of met him sooner or sometimes at a different time when my trauma has healed . Spent my childhood around mother with severe mental illness, no consistenct emotional stability with severe attachment issues, and isolated in so many ways. Hard to trust and there is still work to do. I was can relate to this. It has taken a lot of time and patience with my relationships, rejoining friendships, not ideal, but I still find this tolerance of emotion difficult and distressing. UK is diffcult to get DBT in some areas and this channel has helped me feel validated to hear about other with common symptoms. I am finally on the way to therapy but more is needed in the NHS system for traumatised adults.

Knowledge is power. Understanding is wisdom. This video is educational and is saving lives, figuratively and literally. Remember we can never control the choices, actions, and behaviors of other people. Never. So don't waste your energy thinking that you can. Instead, let them be who they are. In the words of Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they are believe them." (The biggest lie we are told is "Be with someone who makes you happy." The truth is, that happiness is something you create on your own. Be with someone who adds to it.-unknown)

Did I miss something? What were the signs of a good partner?

Thank you for these. I have struggled all my life with the ugly divorce of my parents when I was 4. Relationship troubles still plague my life at 58. You are a great help.

As you were reading the letter, I first thought, “This sounds different than my own relationship.” Less than halfway through the letter, everything started to sound exactly like my current relationship! So thank you for sharing this video.

I found you on RU-vid a couple weeks ago and am blown away by your calm reflections and insights, and by your ability to get to the core of issues. Thank you for what you bring to us x

Hello "Mina" Stick with your gut. You are right to not want to be around weed and alcohol. Weed is a mind-altering substance and alcohol is an intoxicant. I don't like it either. If I was in a situation where people were doing weed. I'd leave. People have a right to do it and I have a right to not be around it. Stick with your boundaries.

LOVE for children of abuse is a weaponized word used to abuse and control throughout their whole life. Even society has a toxic view of love. True love does not hurt to give or to receive. A word I started to become aligned with is ACCEPTANCE. To act out acceptance is far more powerful and unconditional than love any day.

I just got out from my parents and moved into my boyfriend's. This was a huge step for me but my CPTSD has become so much more pronounced and I feel I've gone backwards. I'm barely holding it together during this episode, but I'm doing it. I'm breathing through it. These videos are so calm and helpful. It was so nice being able to relate to someone's story, and it gave me home to hear her outlook should be hopeful, too. Honestly, I'm in my 30s, all of this has affected my relationship with my child, and I am so desperate to get back on track for him. It's so hard to talk to him when I'm like this; I just want to protect him.

Definitely relate to that feeling of dread. There's always this overwhelming fear that I will be rejected or abandoned/ become unappreciated/ feel distant or empty in the relationship. I've dealt with being back and forth between being clingy and obsessed to afraid and wanting to distance myself when there is doubt. It's getting a bit easier as we've been together longer and I'm building trust with him. He is very supportive, understanding and caring. He's a good match for me and I'm trying my best to work through my insecurities from trauma.

Absolutely not to having kids with him. Girl, you WILL find yourself regretting and will leave either emotionally, but stay unhappily physically or leave altogether physically. Your story sounds soooo much like mine, minus orphanage and adoption, mine was physical and mental abuse by father and he also abused my mother who couldn't protect me. I was retraumatized over and over throughout my life, but won't get into except that I have very similar expression as you. I've been with my husband for 15 years now and we have 2 kids. Your relationship story sounds alot like mine down to free spirited, laissez-faire, pot smoking (I only recently became okay with it myself. I was VERY anti drugs too) man who also had heavy drinking problems until I gave him ultimatum right before we got married, but who is kind and patient man who I loves me. And he was also my first and only in all regards as i did NOT want to date. Though he did cheat once, but came back even though I told him he can go be with her. I went through alot in this relationship. What I DID learn is that a man who does not lift his weight around, who is not driven (meaning ya'll will CONTINUE to stay at your parents house. He is clearly confortable af there, if he wasnt TRUST me he would have figured and moved you guys out by now ), who says one thing and does another (action love language fan here too), backs out of plans, backtracks and changes his mind alot (I don't know if yours does that too) is NOT a suitable long term partner or a parent. If you have kids with him, they WILL be on you, he WILL drink and smoke even more bc he clearly does not know what having kids means or the amount of demand and responsibility they require. Even one. My husband began to heavily smoke pot(behind my back) after our kids were born. Coincidence? Nope. Kids are ALOT of work and you are ABSOLUTELY right in worrying about messing them up. I live with mommy guilt EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Bc I only began to recognize any and all my issues AFTER I had them. It SUCKS being a cptsd parent who realized how f*cked up she is and who sees how she is already messed up her kids. Save yourself from that. I beg of you. Live your life. Heal. ENJOY IT! Guilt f*cking free. I wish you all the best in the world. Absolutely the best. You deserve so much love and care. I'm crying. 😭😭😭😭😭

I was surprised by the advice here. Sounds to me like she needs to focus on healing. Just bc he’s good at couching her trauma, doesn’t mean they should be together. Don’t marry the “nice guy” just bc he’s a nice guy. Those relationships end up miserable too. Focus on healing and be alone for a while. If he’s meant to be, you could revisit later. So young to be marrying and not focused on healing.

Imagine going through all that, not have anyone show you how to deal with it all and still become this rational, analytical and wise woman that Mina has become. I'm so impressed by her. ❤

I just got diagnosed with CPTSD 6 days ago (no surprise. Just never had an official diagnosis). The thing that's difficult is wanting or being attracted to (in all ways, not just physically) a person who is actually good. It feels like the only options I have are settling for someone who is good enough just because the only people I've truly wanted have been unsafe, or just being alone the rest of my life. I don't know how to figure this one out. 34 years old and I've never had a solid relationship. Ever. Just a series of entanglements. It's sucks knowing too much about yourself, constantly working on yourself, working on communication, who to look out for, who to avoid, trying different things (like dating people you're not even remotely interested in) and still coming up empty handed (so to speak). What else is there to do at that point? You're amazing, Anna. I watch you often and your insight and personal experience(s) have been tremendously helpful, as well as comforting. I'm sorry you've endured so much, but am grateful for your wisdom and to know someone out there understands. I just wish I knew what to do anymore.

I personally draw a hard line when it comes to alcohol and drugs including cannabis. I’m in SoCal so it’s very common. It does limit your pool somewhat but its such a major every day lifestyle choice. I find it a lot easier to selectively limit the pool this way and the men who I do meet who follow the same lifestyle are just different. They’re generally confident, health conscious, mentally strong, and more enlightened. That’s just been my experience but I have had far better dating experiences since I made this a deal breaker. Thanks for these videos I’m learning so much from you all!!❤️

I needed this video. But I'm still fighting against wanting to leave thinking it's better for both of us not to be together. Growth feels stagnant and under a microscope within a relationship.

I am totally tripping out.. this letter is almost exactly my life and current story right now. I randomly clicked on this.. Thank you so so much

I love your videos. However, I respectfully disagree. I think the writer definitely needs individual work to address her trauma BUT I think this writer is highly intuitive. I too have CPTSD AND I know that when I don’t trust my gut with romantic partners is when I get burned. Sometimes there is just something off and heterosexual women with CPTSD have an additional layer of navigating trauma and learning that just because a man wants you even if he is “nice” doesn’t mean he’s entitled to be with you. It’s something all women who date men must learn. In the case of him wanting children and she doesn’t and him thinking she’ll just change her mind that’s a values mix match. Again he might be a good guy just not her guy and that’s okay.

I am a therapist and I just came across the video. Interesting and I agree with most of the advice but I wud think hard about the following .... 1. Alcohol and pot. If ur not ok , ur not ok. If under stress someone seeks this out, at times of future stress they may seek that out more! Are u OK with that? 2. If u don't hv the same love language it's important to be well versed in each other's love language too. I heard u say that she shud give him more words of assurance etc since he deserves that given that it's his love language. Similarly it would only be fair that he shows more in actions like work around the house etc or whatever is imp to her cos she deserves that too by the same logic. 3. Children .. huge area of consideration. Each one really assesses whether or not they want kids n here given that she is not big on it but he is she might be quite right in her thot that given that he dsnt do much around the house, he may not be a hands on dad with the kids . Then that falls entirely on her n it can be pretty overwhelming. The best advice I think was the last bit where they wait it our as maturity n hopefully clarity sets in about what they each want in the future and what they can expect n envision together. In the mean time each one heals themselves in the ways they best deem fit n yes couple counseling too.

I have been very fortunate to have grown up with my wife of 36 years. My child hood home was one of both mental and physical abuse from a alcoholic father. At the best of times dysfunctional my wife was naber that gave me a safe place to run and hide. She has always been my friend and saving angel.

I couldn’t agree more. I’m SO PROUD of the person asking the question. She’s overcome the seemingly impossible…I’m near tears hearing her story. And then to be such an introspective, self aware individual. What a treasure. I hope she is so proud of her progress and has a breakthrough to finally feel free of her trauma bonds….

I think the advice in this video is pretty good. Whether or not Mina gets married to her bf is not what's important. This is a significant relationship for her because she is taking the first steps in healing her trauma of abandonment by having a stable, loving relationship. What's weird about trauma is that it's often paradoxical - one can feel terrified of abandonment, and yet feel safer with deprivation. The two big issues for Mina in this relationship are that he 1) drinks too much a couple of times a year and 2) doesn't help out enough with chores. For the first issue, I do believe that many people who don't have drinking problems can drink too much on occasion, like their birthday or New Year's Eve. The problem for Mina is that it makes her feel unsafe from her childhood. I think that they could cultivate some good communication around his drinking, where he could approach it consciously and sensitively, by saying "It's New Years and I'd like to have some drinks with friends. I know it's hard for you to be around because of your father, but I promise I won't do anything to lose your trust, like cheat on you, when I let my hair down." For the second issue, Mina should work with her boyfriend with a couple's therapist. Nobody's perfect and it's possible that he's just a lot sloppier than her. Maybe they can make a pact to work on each other's love languages together. He could learn to say "I love you a lot but I'm going to show you by doing the dishes," and she could try saying "I cleaned our room because I care about you, but I know telling you is how you are going to hear it." If you work together in therapy, and he's not making any effort to 'show' you his love by helping out around the house, then that would be an appropriate point to reconsider the relationship. But give him a chance first! He may need to grow too.

Mina sounds like she has developed to be self-aware and able to express her thoughts and feelings. I hope that she sees that it is now time for her to recognise this development and live her life in that awareness, with or without her partner. She also needs to understand that she will develop further and so cannot rule herself out of being a parent of great ability based on her current marred self-assessment. She appears to have the capacity to be a great parent very clearly to me. Hopefully, your featuring them will have her realise her current ability capacity for the future. Good luck to her. It’s good that you (CCF) suggest that she consider that drinking and smoking pot has shades rather than being black or white. That she is likely overcompensating if she doesn't tolerate the very rare occasion of drunkness and a low level of pot use- as long - as it doesn’t lead to unreasonable behaviour. Mina needs to use the great communication skills that come over in written form into words with her partner to improve the household situation that is an issue for her.

My partner and I both have cptsd. We've been together since high school. We were both very toxic to each other back then. I had trust issues, they couldn't see me for who I was. They didn't like anything I liked and said it was all stupid and refused to give me a chance so I hid things. I hid everything from the movies I loved to the music I listened to. We somehow survived but barely. Twelve years later we have a family. We went through a couple of years of individual counseling and learned how to communicate better. We still have our struggles but we are able to talk it through now and understand both perspectives. Thinking about it now, I don't know how we managed to survive other than both of us being afraid of abandonment. We were both broken and didn't know. If I had any self love when I met my partner, I would never had been with them. I ended up falling in love with them, the new them, all over again but it was not a quick task. Sometimes I still have to sit back and write out my thoughts to make sure I'm not gaslighting myself about our relationship and it being great. One thing trauma will do to you.

My young cousin walked into a place like what you described. The court had her go there. She had a mop in her hand and one of the social workers started talking to her. They said put the mop down we have something a lot better for you. She said ok not know what that was. She had an drinking / drug problem before this. Her background growing up was really bad. She was pretty and took care of her self and was good to people. So when she put that mop down she went to school for a long time. Found a healthy relationship, the whole thing. I'm am so proud of her. She has really worked her butt of and she did not know what she had inside her until she tried. It then came out.Its hard to say all of this and not cry.

ALANON and AA are such a blessing. Adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) is another gold mine for wisdom and healing also. Can't recommend these groups enough...and its all free. Thank you for sharing!!! 🙏

If one person wants children and the other one doesn’t, there is nothing you can do about it but to go your separate ways. Regardless of the outcome of the relationship, I think she would definitely benefit from seeing an adoption competent therapist who is trauma focused.

Great advice to the writer. I married a wonderful partner (for someone with cptsd.... and without, tbh lol). 20 years in and it has been the best decision of our lives. It really does take a special person to understand trauma... it helps a relationship to understand ones own trauma. Thanks!

To the letter writer: you my dear are incredible. You’ve worked on yourself to get a basic understanding of what makes you tick. How few 20 year olds are that bright that they have sought to figure out and fix their own problems? As far as being bored I too almost let go of a budding relationship because it just didn’t feel‘right’. I had to really do some soul searching and realize that feeling was because I was so used to chaos from my childhood and my first marriage a normal, calm relationship felt like I was missing something. Once I realized I was about to sabotage a healthy relationship because I was ‘bored’ I understood it wasn’t so much my new relationship as it was finding comfort in old patterns of fighting and being manipulated. About that housework thing. We women have a really bad habit of expecting men to be mind readers. Then when they failed to run the vacuum cleaner or clean the tub we get all pissy because he should have known. The important question is if you ask for help does he give it? And when you ask him to do something is he purposely sabotaging his work or does he do his best? Keep in mind not everyone knows how to clean properly. And last, who would make a better mother than you? You are introspective, you are willing to learn and you wrote how you share responsibility for an emotional outcome. You will be a wonderful mother. Whether you want children is your own decision of course but it shouldn’t be a decision based on your thinking you wouldn’t be a good mother. 🥰

My god you’re describing my coping mechanisms. I was the model child and a perfectionist at a young age. I would be kindof OCD about my room because I was upset all the time. No matter what I did, I rarely got praise. I didn’t rebel. I was hardly allowed to do anything and my sister was just as immature as the rest of my family and never got in trouble. I was under a microscope for everything because I wouldn’t partake in their drama. It sucked. It was like they were intimidated by me or something? I started having anxiety attacks when I was on my own and there was no “roller coaster” anymore and I didn’t know what it actually was. Got diagnosed with CPTSD when I was 32. We overthink things a ton to avoid conflict but my disposition is not a pushover by any means.

At ten years old, I knew I'd never get married, or have a loving relationship, because it just wasn't worth it, to me. Even at ten years old, nobody was interested in being close to me, so I decided that I would be my own best friend, and concentrate on getting to know me. After having many, many adult roommates, living alone is paradise. I am 70 years old, now, and very grateful and yes, I will say, happy. Loneliness is icing on the cake compared to being in a bad relationship. I have never thought that I HAD to love "that special one", or if it was even possible. I was always very independent, and saw relationships with men completely unnecessary. joke: my therapist and I have a great relationship. If there was a way you could only be married on the weekends, that's my idea of a good relationships. Thanks, Anna, for all you do.

when you described your teen self as "feral" and rejected from mcdonald's I had an affectionate chortle of laugh cuz everyone who knows me from back then describes me as "feral", too XD i had to be socialized like a street kitten (i actually use kitten socialization as a metaphor for my own growth a lot, it works, it works so well!), first by my friends from uni, later by my therapist, and now the finessing of the process falls on my partner. sometimes I feel bad that I'm a burden on ppl in this way. but these days i remind myself that I'm worth it. I'm really good company and I'm a good friend and partner, and people are meant to take care of each other. i realize that when you invest a bit of effort in a relationship or a person and you see them actually grow and evolve and be more of who they wanna be - it's a really rewarding feeling. still figuring out the healthy inter-dependence bounds of that, because i have a tendency to slip into codependency. but things are getting better, even for a feral kitten like me...

Drinking to relax and drinking to a point you pass out?...red flag

rejection or regret which one is worse? pain will come no matter what, so will love, they are both abundant in the world. don't deny yourself out of fear. as always find balance. I share in this pain and am trying to save my own relationship right now. don't let the hurt become resentment.

Mina, you are a superhero and I agree with how Anna starts out in noting that you are a miracle. I offer a different perspective on your boyfriend and have a different viewpoint than Anna. Do you want to support your boyfriend financially? You are essentially providing his housing AND doing the housework. If he causes you to feel fear of abandonment, it is not good. When will he grow up and take initiative? Never? Is your relationship founded on sex and not actual love? Does he say he loves you because he is provided housing and housekeeping? What are his goals in life and how is he going to get there? Mina, you are right in identifying that his drinking and smoking pot is not acceptable. In some people, it might be ok, but your instincts about substance use by your boyfriend are accurate - it sounds like he needs to demonstrate more conviction in his life in order to not get much worse in the area of substance use. Do you want a man and a solid husband or a boy that you provide for? I agree with Anna - move out of your parents’ properties completely. Enjoy some time to yourself. realize how self reliant you are to let your boyfriend decide what he wants to do to get himself together as a man. You just do not need to settle for being in a relationship that causes you fear of abandonment where a boy is not being a partner and a contributor to life.

CPTSD here. I absolutely advocate for antidepressants. It stabilizes me enough that I can use non-medicated tools to successfully manage my life. All tools are necessary. I’m not going to hand hew a log down to a 2x4 when I have a table saw. Fine tuning is a great place for non-medicated tools come into play. It took a few tries to get the right type and dose but I know the times I had to stop taking them (due to access) that I was too easily overwhelmed. 24 years later I am running my own business, completed my degree, and had a child (now teenager). I did have to switch types after I had my son as my hormones changed, but I am still going strong. There is ZERO shame in taking medication. Your doctor and therapist should be who you listen to for medical advice for your personal situation, not a RU-vidr. Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone’s bodies are different. Everyone’s backgrounds are different. So talk to your doctor and therapist about what is best for you and don’t let anyone shame you out of using the best tool for you.

Love so much you suggest alanon. This program changed my life after 20 years of trying all the things. It was the missing puzzle piece. I learned boundaries and let go of so much shame. I learned to dwell in solutions instead of my habit of living in the problems constantly. I'm a natural dissident and could express my experience with learning about my trauma and my brain when the outdated readings didn't align with updated brain science. I could be me and I eventually learned who that was as I discovered my desires, my strengths, and needs.

Besides being adopted, this letter could’ve been written by me. Damn and I thought my situation was unique. Feels so good knowing I’m not alone but there’s a whole community of people like this

Thanks, Fairy, for supporting Mina, telling her that she's wonderful and being amazed at her efforts.

I have a feeling that pot can be a problem for people in relationships, especially if there's any kind of mental illness. I've seen pot cause serious problems in my own life, and I think we'll find in a few years that it's not innocuous. I actually think it's wise to be very cautious about endorsing regular pot use in a long-term relationship.

Smoking pot and getting drunk may be more common than ever but that doesn't make it healthy. If this counselor is okay with that in her relationships than that is her preference but I think it's sad she challenged a broken person's boundary in that area, especially with the background shared. Its great to have that boundary! Especially if you want a to be with someone in a mature adult relationship and have a family and live a blessed life.

I was never that crazy about children, nor played I with dolls. My mother did not love me and she kept me away for good from my father who would have. My mom also was married maybe 6 times or so after she left my father when I was about 2- 4 years old. No father material among her husbands. I had children with my husband, because I thought it was the right thing. I will never ever regret that decision. Some people said, that I was a great mom. I am not so sure about it...but my children became wonderful people. When you have your children, your motherly instinct will kick in and change you completely. (a leas that is what happened with me) Later in our relationship my husband told me hat he had stopped loving me, but my children are the only ones who love me. Concerning our fear of messing up the children: Try to find a good loving neighborhood or a couple of friends and mentors to help you raise your children while you do the same for them. This is what any parents should do anyway after my opinion. (it takes a village o raise a child)

Gawd I REALLY could have used your help 25 yrs ago! Glad I'm at least able to get it now. Grateful for your assistance. Thank you ❣️

…..I’m 33. I had a terrible childhood too. My dad violated me when I was 1 week old. My mom couldn’t love right after that. Neglected so bad I have bone and teeth issues. At 7 she left me at my brother and sisters father and I was a child slave until I ran away at 15. Ive always thought the reason why I couldn’t connect with good men was because of my childhood. I never could say I love you. I didn’t enjoy kissing or cuddling or romantic gestures. Seemingly normal things men would do annoyed me and it caused me guilt. Made me feel like a ungrateful monster with no hope. I came out as lesbian at 30. I had my alone time. I got sober. I dated around and after 3 years I have met the love of my life. I feel safe. I feel passion. I feel loyalty. I feel cared for and respected. Dear writer. If you’ve never dated a woman… I’d say date least 3 before you scrap the idea….. dating women is scary because there is a level of fear of rejection that can be hard to stomach. Be brave. You have the right to a beautiful life with respect and passion and loyalty. Those are things we can ask for. You aren’t broken because of your childhood.

I don't have any official diagnoses, but I didn't grow up with any examples of happiness or love. All the people in my life were just surviving. So as an adult, I have zero clue how to determine who is a safe person, let alone what healthy relationships look or feel like. I've literally been looking for a checklist since I decided to pause dating, because I don't know what anything other than dysfunction looks like. Just found this video; hoping it'll be helpful. Thanks in advance!

When I was born, my mom spent my first nine months in a psychiatric Institute with severe postpartum depression and we never bonded. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom is a narcissist. My dad used me as a spy and confidant during my mother's affair. There were several instances of physical abuse . That was a lot to deal with when I was only thirteen years old. My mother, father brother and sister have created their own family and I am the sacrificial Black Sheep. I have had a couple of failed marriages and, for the life of me, I cannot understand why I do not live in a padded room. LOL. My only saving grace is my relationship with Jesus and my two beautiful children and grandchildren.

I think that sometimes we need to give love a chance Even if we Are traumatized. Ive often isolated and turned down love cus I felt unworthy or «too damaged» to receive it. But I think giving intimacy a chance is important to heal. I dont know but just receiving touch and hugs is incredibly healing and can give your nervous system a sense of safety and rest. If the other person is worthy of you is another thing tho. Its hard to know if they Are good for us. Statistically 50% of people have some kind of attachment trauma. But safety and connection is just so vital 💛

I never had a nice boyfriend...or partner. My CPTSD brought me into codependency with narcissist men and even friends. Emotional unavailable and toxic. Been in therapy for over thirty years and even got a degree in psychology. Nothing helps. I'm now also suffering from PTSD from abusive relationships...I've lost hope at this point. I have no family, no kids, no partner, no good friends and have to pay for support. Ive been abandoned and rejected more tines than I cam count.. If it wasn't for my dogs, I think I would lose it.

Mina, I would thoroughly enjoy reading a biography or relationship novel of your own life experiences! Your direct and logic thought process really resonates with me.

Love all this advice!! It’s successful for me to hire a house cleaner that comes in once or twice a month to do the floors and whatever so that my partner and I aren’t resentful. So worth it! If you want to have children, please, please go to parenting classes, join parent groups. There are many diverse ones. We were never supposed to do it alone, at some point all of our ancestors lived in tribes!

This relationship was doomed from the start imo. I read Mina’s comment and I am really glad it’s over. He’s not a loser like some people have said but he’s dealing with something and he’s copying mechanisms are detrimental to Mina’s growth. I think you’re very strong and are destined to do bigger and better things. He was the right person to get you unstuck in the past that doesn’t mean you two needed to stay together. I honestly agree with you about the drinking and smoking pot. It’s not like eating a bunch of chocolate twice a year, it’s a serious thing that creates addiction and destruction . So I applaud you for keeping your boundary. I was once dating a guy that said wasn’t an alcoholic (he’s dad was a very bad one ) and he probably wasn’t but he did drank ALOT a few times a month and for me that was simply unacceptable. I don’t even drink alcohol so that also made it more difficult. Anyway, Mina, I agree that your childhood mustn’t have been too bad and I see a bit of myself in you. My parents weren’t perfect and I too have CPTSD but I know that my parents love me even if they don’t say it much. I wish you all the best in love, life, and your work. And yes, I agree nature is the closest thing we have to spirituality :) Last thing, one piece of advice is never betray yourself to keep people in. Whoever is meant to stay won’t leave you for a boundary or a no. They’ll meet you where you are or halfway. And always put yourself first … Ps. About the kids thing I was like you, didn’t want kids until now. I’m 32 and almost 8 months ago I met a lovely man. Sure, he’s not perfect and has had a very bad childhood 🫣 but he’s a good man and he treats me like a queen and makes me feel safe and loved. He has troubles opening up emotionally but his actions show a lot of love. That is to say I think I do want to have kids with him, when I’m with him I feel the urge to have them :) and I was just like you, I though I was sure I didn’t want them but I was also afraid of a possible regret. You could rephrase your stance on kids with “conditionally childfree” meaning you are okay being without unless the right conditions are met: a good man/husband/dad, a good job for the both of you etc Best of luck ❤🐿️🍀

This is even more fun than avoiding looking at my own faults!