Why It's So Hard to Tell When Someone Else Is The Problem (and When It's Just You) 

I feel so compelled to thank you, Anna. You are helping me break the cycle of generational trauma with my one year old son. I ended an emotionally abusive marriage 2 months ago and am 12 days sober from an addiction I thought I couldn't live without. It's not just your viewers you're helping -- the ripple effects of healing are going to outlive you and us all. I am so grateful to have found your channel. ❤

"People are out to get me" ... well, this could be true if you are trying to escape narcissists. Damaging their ego puts them in the total destruction gear.

If you're the loved one of someone who has any trauma, please don't ever get in their face and yell "Jesus Christ just go to therapy and fix yourself already!" This was my little brother's response to my mental breakdown after my grandma passed (I spent years caring for her medical needs and I was her hospice caregiver as well).

I’m 55 and still dealing with some of these things. I have spent a lifetime fleeing from people and relationships.

"People show you who they are - it's up to you to believe them" is what my mentor taught me when I had identical experiences with my spouse. Kicker is I kept choosing that type of man until I learned this stuff. Good luck Kim, trust your gut!!!

If you're living in chronic state of dysregulation, I believe you reeeeally gotta do some deep neurological/somatic healing for a few years by yourself. Only then will you start to see people and situations for whom and what they truly are, and the risk of traumatising others will reduce significantly. It's so wonderful to know that we really have the power within us to heal, and don't require others to change ourselves 💗

I'm 73 & started to have emotional flashbacks of childhood a couple of years ago. Therapy only triggered me for up to 2 days after a session & meds didn't really work. I'm so glad to have these videos because they explain what couldn't be explained after I completed multiple degrees in psych in my efforts to figure out what was going on inside me. CPTSD was not identfied at the time I got my degrees. Thank you!!

Hi, it's so obvious to me that you have the most beautiful soul, Anna. CPTSD is certainly powerful enough to stop or have stopped you or others from seeing that, which is another one of its cruel tricks. I agree that you shouldn't accept poor treatment from others, though our CPTSD makes that much harder to do. Yes, there are inevitably psychological 'reasons' why someone's behaviour is like that. However, being mean to beautiful souls speaks volumes about the abuser and their level of damage.

There are some situations where the “group” you’re around, for example co-workers, are very toxic. This makes it difficult for me to know if it’s me with all my trauma baggage, or the group or situation I’m in. I’ve experienced this many times in my life. I’m sure part of it is being attracted to groups or people that keep the cycle going. Don’t even know if that makes sense.

Ive always said, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you. I cant describe the horribly mean things said to me when i was a pre teen and teenager, fellow students and strangers on the street. Seems like i had a target painted on me, when i was just being a kid with a heroine addicted mother. I was sad, struggling to feed myself, not wearing the cool things other kids had, not having any safe place. Im only realizing in my mid 50s how much damage i am carrying. Wow.

I've noticed that there really are two vastly different versions of myself...the self that is stuck in trauma, and the self that is able to transcend. When I'm stuck in stress, the former is very much dominant. The key is integrating the two, but of course that's what all the spirituality in the world is and always was about.

I was bullied as a teenager in a small town school, ostracized, and pushed aside, humiliated, an attempted rape at 15…I still am paranoid, feel like an outsider, never heard…parents backed me all the way, but peers are the most 8mportant at that age. If not for my parents, I wouldn’t be here, their love kept me here

Although I didn’t want someone to come along and save me, I really wanted to be able to save myself. The most important thing to me became freedom and independence.

43:35 I am so glad to hear somebody talking about this. Casual, serial dating culture has gotten to the point where it's causing so many people to oppress themselves. The generalizations people make are crazy too. I am not nor will I ever be some sex crazed lunatic because I'm male. One promiscuous and alcoholic ex was plenty traumatizing for the remainder of my lifetime, thank you very much.

The "no one is coming to save you" part is a realization I had not too long ago, and I think the worst part about it is that to a person with cptsd, it affirms to them the belief that they're not loveable enough, not even to save. It was really hard for me to recognize why no one coming to save me was such an excruciating realization to have, but the more I learn about cptsd, avoidance, and neglect, the more I realize that my expectation of those that care for me has been completely warped by that core belief I carry that no one will truly love me. I dont know what it takes to not believe that. In some ways when I think about it long and hard enough, I laugh at how ridiculous it is that I've actually convinced myself love requires perfection. But some part of my brain refuses to believe otherwise

Yes, when I’m pushed by others it doesn’t help at all because they don’t begin to understand and they’re pushing and controlling makes me shutdown even more.

I guess I dealt with the feeling of not belonging by gravitating to the misfits. For example, in high school, I didn’t eat my lunch in the lunchroom, but instead went to the front lobby where the misfits and “nerds” like me were doing homework over lunch or being socially awkward… idk I always found the misfits to be the nicest and more accepting people…. My siblings were tactical about getting in with the “cool crowd” and I was known as the cool kids’ weird little sister, but I just didn’t care… I think that stemmed from not being accepted at home so my way of coping was seeking radical acceptance of myself and freedom to be whatever and however weird I wanted to be… as an adult, I now realize that people love seeing the human side of us, the weird quirkiness. If someone doesn’t like you, someone else will absolutely LOVE you. The thing they want is for you to unapologetically show your true self. Even if that means listening to Ska music (yes, high school in the 90s lol) on your headset while painting weird paintings of hands (one of my high school projects that got me mocked)… we all have a weird side and insecurities, so it makes us feel good when we see someone else owning their weirdness and insecurities, like we’re not alone in this world…

You are a special person . You must have hurt a lot to understand us so much! Sorry your hurt is a blessing for us. Hope you are doing well.

I relate to a lot of these. I had many negative experiences with my jobs. I felt like I was never going to have friends because I was shy and serious. I didn't feel I belonged around family or at school. I would give all I had to friendships and accept crumbs. I didn't have anyone to talk to most of the time and I struggled with self-esteem. I kept wondering when my mental health and wellbeing would improve but didn't know how to accept myself, my personality, my looks, my insecurities. I still have so much work to do!

This really hit me. I’ve never felt that I belonged or that one day someone will find out I’m not good enough to be part of a group or even a job. It’s a really awful part of CPTSD and one of the most difficult for me to let go of.

This is so very true for me. I struggle with trusting anyone. "They're all lying to me," is the tape that plays in my head. I probably pushed people away without and didn't even know it.

This is every work environment for me. Currently leaving one job because I’ve sabotaged it

I use to feel that in my bones.. “you don’t belong here.. you aren’t like us.., you’re left out & excluded, not invited to reunions, birthdays, anniversaries… “ That’s right!! you don’t belong - you would never treat others the way they treat you.. Do yourself a favor & get away from nasty ppl that don’t support you, Love & cherish you for you🥰

LOVE this entire topic! Just talking about this how my marriage was just what I fell into and didn’t really want it at all, I see it was from childhood upbringing trauma. And I learned to just settle with people and even things until I finally woke up to love my truth and authenticity.

I still believe that people speak their true thoughts when intoxicated and I take what they say seriously and feel like it’s clearly red flags. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was finally able to leave an emotionally abusive marriage almost a year ago, and angry defensiveness really resonates with me due to a surveillance and smear campaign mounted by my husband. I'm working on being more positive and having an open mind when approaching different situations so I have more positive experiences.

I had an ex Psychologist tell me at age 48 that my parents ruined my life. That was so hurtful. I'm not a broken person!! I had no insight at that time, and this Doctor took advantage of my lack of experience.

I was abused at home and bullied at school. I used to just disappear, tell my mom I was going for a walk. I just wanted out. I was running away from home as a toddler. With my sister. It was HORRIBLE! I got no relief, not at home OR school! When I was able I left. As soon as I was old enough. I left the STATE. And was forced to cone back after a car accident when I was riding with a friend in the back and we were hit by a pizza delivery driver. I HATED calling my dad and begging him to send me a bit of money. Then the 13 hour ride on a BUS! I don't even wanna go into the rest of my life. It just has been a nightmare, and I've NEVER fit in. Nobody ever followed thru in their commitments to me. Now I'm ALONE for the past 10 years. Nobody stays. So I recluse. I'm so done with people. I have my own home, my dogs. My plants. And everytime I feel a connection with someone, it turns to crap. I've had physical issues and I'm fighting kidney disease and other stuff. I've got serious bone issues and my back is a wreck. Fighting to keep my mobility. And knowing eventually I won't be able to fight it anymore and I'll be crippled in a wheelchair. Nobody wants to help me. I've already been told that by family they do not want to be a caretaker. I don't even KNOW what will happen when that time comes. It is so upsetting to me. I've already had to give up driving, and it has made me dependant. I hate it. I sound like I'm 80, but I just turned 51. And have had problems all my life. The worst has been being crippled twice and having to learn how to walk again. Going thru all these procedures to keep me alive and movile before i was age 50. And my 50th year was TERRIBLE. I can't even tell it all here. Nobody is gonna help me. Nobody is gonna save me. It is hard to even find someone who fully supports me! I'm so angry and disappointed that some of us have it soooo hard our entire lives. No stability. And others seem to have it so easy, always loved, always cared for, never sick, good job, always enough.

Great vid. I run away from people and distance myself all the time. Better safe than sorry. Moved away from my family years ago.

I have felt this on various degrees, like I am always intruding wherever I go, even shopping. It's not so bad now, partly because I've confronted it in my journaling, but when I was younger I rarely went outside for years. Something related to this is feeling like nothing applies to me, like when adverts or competitions etc say "you" the target is never me, it's always other people

Both girlfriends that I’ve been friendly with for 35 years and the other 45 years, and both knew my struggles, have both ghosted me after all these years. I’m still trying to understand why neither bothered to confront me prior to simply turning their backs on me. And as so common to many of us, I have questioned myself first and foremost, yet also realize their lack of confronting me is on them. I feel so crazy presently I can barely get myself dressed and out of my place. Everything feels like bullshit to me, and a huge waste of time.

OMG. I'm 58 and I'm fucked! Only fully realised how terrible it has become from listening to several of these videos and saw a replay in my head of how I recently sat my 16 year old daughter down and laid out all the reasons why she should never get married. This was so unfair to her and I deeply regret it but don't know how to backtrack? My life has spiralled totally out of control following my divorce 5 years ago and having to re-locate to a small house in town. I am buried in clutter and chaos. I fractured my shoulder 6 weeks ago and my self imposed isolation became a nightmare as I can't drive and am now relying on the kindness of strangers for help as I have distanced or ditched all friends and family. The injury will take several months to heal. Always struggling to manage with a tiny income. I have been diagnosed with adult ADHD but I am wondering if it is more likely CPTSD? If not for the joy my daughter brings me (and then I try to sabotage the poor thing) I find it so difficult to imagine a brighter future.

Some of your videos unleash a flood of tears. They are like a big hug of understanding. Thank you

I really love who’s well detailed you breakdown real life situations , brings a lot of clarity

I just wanted to say that every time I make time to watch your videos I learn something about how I am or who I am becoming! I have boarderline personality disorder and your instructional videos enhanced my last year as a single person, so that I could buckle down in therapy, journaling every day, and taking responsibility for my actions and my decisions! I am moving in with my partner this month. I feel scared about not living my life alone, but it was you who gave me hope that I could find a partner capable of taking care of themselves that loves me for who I am! I accept him in return, as he is also a childhood trauma survivor. Our life is far from perfect, yet we don’t have to face life and suffer alone any longer 😊

I am 54 yrs old and this has been such an eye opener to me, thank you

Remember this: Anyone who asks to invite a third person into the bedroom has not only lost interest in you, but even worse, they no longer have respect for you. It never ends in your favor.

Hello Anna!! Thank you so much! I was able to end my unhealthy relationship with so much ease and almost zero guilt after watching your videos, taking in a lot of your tips, and doing some major self-reflection. This is life-changing, and I really feel like God brought your channel to my attention! I started watching your videos only a week ago, and I've never had so much clarity or validation. (By the way, I've been in therapy for three years and on ADHD meds for two.) I just ended my 1 year relationship with someone whom I thought was "The One." He was absolutely avoidant, and I wasn't perfect either in the relationship. (Very clingy, emotionally deregulated, people pleaser) However, he used my issues against me, especially whenever I would blame myself or take any accountability. The only time he would take accountability is when I would explode, and even then, he would just victimize himself. He had so many expectations of me, and I had expectations of him too. However, I was more than ready to compromise and “people please”, but he didn't want to change anything or work on anything. I felt so alone in our relationship. He had gotten so used to lying to me and only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, and said this was because of his insecurities and my reactions. There were major trust issues due to him lying so much throughout our relationship yet, I was to blame for my trust issues. AS IF!!! I'm meeting with my therapist this week, and I have made a journal log of my past trauma, bad habits, and reasons for why I SERIOUSLY believe that I have CPTSD. Again, I have never felt so heard and validated in my life. The clarity I have is heaven-scent thanks to you and God. P.S I’ve also just became a member and I’m looking forward to starting your courses. ❤

It’s freeing and painful to listen to you as the same time. I love your directness

Super helpful insights. Probably the best description of what too seek in a partner, someone who elevates you mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and whose presence is calming and peaceful. Love it ❤

So spot on. I over share about accomplishments as to need validation. I have to rein it in. Fortunately, I quit drinking 16 years ago. I didnt feel accepted in the 12 step community. I am native in a non native community. I have been meditating and working on myself worth. I was beat down by my mom physicially but mostly mentally as i took car of her until she passed in nov. She was 91. I never did anything right. I deel like a shell of a person. I had no support and was treated similarly by my boss. I was fired and lost at least 5 ppl close to me including my mom. I have been in a state of dysregulation since i lost my job in may. The meditation and my two therapists have literally been my life saver. Thank you for your counsel!

I don’t believe I qualify for the requirements of a diagnosis of PTSD or CPTSD, but I have finally recently started naming my adolescent household trauma, the word “trauma”… And I can’t express how much I resonate and relate to this topic and most all of your videos. I love that you don’t press forgiveness as a necessity. Or maybe you do and I just haven’t come across that yet. My forgiveness waves and wanes… It really just depends on the day. Today I am focusing completely on improving myself, so my forgiveness level is at a good rate today. And I allow myself the ability to wave and wane and fluctuate my level of forgiveness. ❤❤❤

I’m 50 years old and I have come to the conclusion (and I know I’m right) this world doesn’t want me. I have lived alone for years and I never leave my home. I have everything I need delivered here. I never even want to leave. I hate it… even the thought of it! I hate interacting with people.. anyone and everyone, even family. I just want to be safe here with my dog and playing and snuggling with her because at least she loves me and doesn’t hurt or push me out. She doesn’t abuse me or fire me or stab me in the back and talk shit about me behind my back. The years I have been alone in my home (my sanctuary/prison) have actually been the best years of my life! I have never ever felt so much happiness! I wish I could stay here just like this forever but I can’t. I finally ran out of money and now I have to do the very thing I dread… the thing I hate… and go back around people again in order to gain employment 🤮 I’d almost rather die! If it weren’t for my dog, I probably would just check out but she deserves happiness and a good life so I will do my best but she doesn’t deserve to be left alone either while I slave 8-10 hrs a day for a few bucks so what do I do? It’s such a conundrum. 😢 And I never asked to be born to this world either yet here I am. 🙄

Interesting: just last week I was thinking about this very issue, and how the noise, and constant effort to determine who is the problem, is so exhausting that isolating is the solution. Actually thought through the entire process of the effort, and knowing that that is half the solution.

I can't tell you how many times I have clicked on your newestbvideo and it was PRECISELY what I was going through at that moment. Like today, as I am at my desk "interning:", almost no feedback or communication, and I start spinning...my mind saying, "You don't belong here.... ". I am able to listen as I continue my work, and I am really grateful. It is like emergency first aid today, the trauma unit. 🙏🏼

Good points to consider. Those of us who are just passing through with a sense of eternity in our hearts are aware we don't belong here. Those embracing full healing ID with the form of art that restores shattered pottery by using solid gold to mend the broken parts. This makes the pottery stronger and more VALUABLE than ever. As a Christ follower with a childhood overshadowed by the death of my older brorher when I was 3, I know dysfunctional brokenness and I know healing. Catch the vision. Find pictures of those gold mended pottery.

Bless that poor lady Kim, never go there and do something you will later beat yourself about. A hard life indeed but you can heal. They will wait if they care about you.

I never organically thought that I should take "whatever I can get." To not bother going to college and just be grateful for the cashier job at the local IGA grocery store and marry whoever asks because it might be the only one. That way of thinking was implanted into my mind.... was put there by my own Dad. He would say "there is no point in going to college. Youre lucky you have that job at the store, just stay there. And eventually you'll meet a man and he will like you and if he asks to marry you, you should accept so take it because there wont be anyone else." Then my Dad added this wonderful tidbit. "Oh and by the way ...if you do ever get married, know that I have NOTHING FOR YOU!" We were sitting at a toddlers birthday party and my dad says "see these cups and plates (bright colored plastic and paper)if I were you, I'd just plan to have a wedding like this ...I don't have anything for you." So that's how I started my 20s. No self esteem. Probably will fail college Just marry someone... anyone who asks. From age 22 - 42 I was an oddball because I would tell the guy all the reasons he shouldn't date me...just to see if he would stay. And he wouldn't. So I got to prove my Dad right.... no one will want you. Take anyone.

16:35 the way you expressed that it's a big thing to have boundaries for us..... and I felt that and laughed and was overcome with joy

I remember the moment I realized no one was coming to save me from my abusive marriage of 20+ years. I was so upset by this realization that I scribbled across a piece of art I’d been working on for months “NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU” in black Sharpie. Interestingly, our eldest daughter of about 20 got angry with me for ruining that piece. I was quite pleased with it because I knew it recorded a major turning point for me.

This channel is amazing. It’s what this world needs. Look at how many of us relate and that is only the fraction…it almost seems like whole generations were traumatized.

edit: I was impatient. the answer was in a later video segment. Still it just feels like my entire extended social circle is stuck in the blame game. Just really sucks building a new social circle and then realizing they might not be the right people to be around either. "and when it's just you" seems to be advice that can only be accepted when someone really wants to hear it. We're here of our own choice so we might be ready to hear that. But when you notice people creating their own problems and blaming others what can you do? Just avoid those people? If I'm going to start working on that myself then its difficult being around people stuck in the blame game.

Another incredible video! You and Rebecca of Scapegoat Recovery somehow keep creating amazing, unique and such important work! To me, the two of you and the work you went through and what you share with us is finally shedding light on the longterm effects of abuse annnnnnd, to let us know how to heal and move forward.

GV. One issue is a God wound. If we prayed and prayed as a young child, returning to spirituality has some grief to it. Obviously a five year olds concepts are different than a 35yo. But even to have that safe space within spirituality… is gentle work.

Literally prayed about this an hour ago and this video popped up. So amazing. ❤️ Blessings.

I appreciate your videos. I've been very lost for a long time. I'm basically dating my father. I got adopted, but I don't think my life will be mine until my biological parents die. That's not a nice thing to say, but day to day I know I am not 'normal' I am afraid that they will try to (if I ever have public success) rob me of more joy. A lot of your material makes me feel seen I've failed myself, and I know if I have the right tools, it may not be totally fixed, but it'd surely be better. At this point it's all I need

I've learned more from you than I learned from years of therapy. Thank you so much for posting your videos ❤

Wow, the woman who ended the relationship. It's possible to gaslight yourself. She has great courage to work on this. She did the right thing. I know I'll be ruminating and beating myself up for a long time, but I'll be free. The feelings will pass eventually.

I just want to cry when I watch this. Thank you Anna

For a while now, I notice when I'm all worked up or dysregulated. Yesterday evening I became dysregulated and just plain stressed out because my mom started blowing my phone up from jail. Then again this morning she called again and again and I just can't take her call! I thought about writing to Anna in the hopes that she'd read it here on YT and help me however she could. I need direction. Guidance. But then I remember how mentally exhausted I feel from all that's happened lately, how angry I feel towards my mom and a few other family members, and then doubt my letter would ever be picked anyway. But the truth is I don't know until I try. I ended up doing the daily practice after I sent my addiction doctor a text. I'm just trying to use my resources to get through this. I've been at my job for almost one year. I'm the only one who can help me.

I really needed to hear this today, thank you. You are such a smart and special person, and your wisdom is a gift. Much love.💓💓💓

Getting it out there, to hear it frankly, is really a helpful contrast.

Thank you!!! All of these are lies/ things that I'm overcoming...my attachment wounds and feelings, like I never fit in anywhere, and that I'm not good enough for the love or life that I want. I know, now, that I deserve love, peace and happiness... i appreciate your insight and candid explanations, so much! As I relearn who I am and what I want... I finally feel lighter and freeer❤

These lies have been running the show for decades in my life. My trauma began it's cycles when I was a toddler. I actually fantasize about living on an island where no men are allowed. So much pain that you feel like you can never be open again with people.

Your videos always bring me so much relief that i’m not a horrible monster that it makes me tear up😭😭i’m so thankful to you and i have started healing and finding good people for myself. I learned i can be loved and i can love myself i just need to work hard at it😭❤

I have not fit in since Kindergarten. I remember the moment it happened. It started with my older brother, to whom I said "hello" in the hall as we were passing, and he looked angry and ignored me. When he got home from school (four grades ahead of me), he told me if I ever saw him at school again to NOT say hello to him. Not surprisingly, he was incredibly mean to me growing up, beat me, and we have not spoken in about 15 years. I had a family which abused, traumatized and scapegoated me. My older brother ran my parents from about the time he was 13. As a metaphor for how I always perceived this, it's scary when the prisoners are running the people that should be the wardens. When I was 12 a new girl, Michele, moved to the neighborhood. I was always very interested in 'new' people, probably because I wasn't popular and felt that I started a clean slate with 'new' girls, and I always befriended them, which I did with Michele. We were good friends for about a month, and I thought we had a great time together. However, at that time, she started making new friends, and dumped me, not including me with her new friends. That would have been fine, but she did something much worse, which became a pattern in my life when friendships with females ended, right into my 50s. She tried to hurt me - badly. I had this friend I'd been pen pals with for about three years. We 'met' when she wrote me a letter after I found her dog as a stray in my neighborhood. She'd been visiting her grandmother in my neighborhood when her dog, Doughnut, got out, and they couldn't find him by the time she had to leave and go back to her state, PA, from NY. I found Doughnut a couple of days after she'd left. From his tag, I was able to contact the family, and the grandmother came and got Doughnut to return him to his family. Robin, the girl who Doughnut belonged to, started writing to me. It turned out we had a lot in common. We both loved dogs and we both had a dog. We both loved animals, and art. What does this have to do with Michele? After Michele dumped me, I was reading a letter from Robin at school one day. Michele wandered over and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was reading a letter from my pen pal. Michele started asking me questions about her, and I embellished a bit, saying we had special nicknames for each other. Michele read her return address off the envelope and told me she was going to write to Robin and find out if what I was saying was true. I panicked, because I had lied about the special nicknames. So, I wrote to Robin first, and told her what had happened, and please not to believe anything Michele wrote to her. Likely, Michele never did write to her; but, I never heard from Robin again, though I wrote to her again a couple of times. The pattern in my life that kept repeating itself (until about 10 years ago, when I finally broke the pattern), was not just females/women dumping me as friends. You don't want to be friends anymore? Fine. Let's both move on. It's their desire to HURT me that I don't understand. This has repeated itself over and over and over again. Women don't just dump me for 'better' or 'new' friends - they want to ruin me. The thing that has changed is my not being so naive anymore. I don't tell people my business. I don't mix my female friends, but see them separately; that is, if they don't already know each other, I don't introduce them to each other. Invariably, when I would do this in the past, the two females I introduced with whom I was both friends separately would make friends with each other, and dump me. I was in my 40s when I learned that lesson. The other thing I do is, if someone tries to intentionally hurt me, I get revenge. I had become friendly with a woman who befriended me when I moved to a new neighborhood. After a few months of being friends with her, I realized I didn't like her behavior. She would road rage people when I drove somewhere with her. Once when we were crossing a street, a car didn't allow her to cross in front of it, driven by an 80-year-old man, and she kicked his door. She would always say, "Don't tell Frank" (her husband) what she'd done. I suppose she realized I was going off her, so she invited me to a lunch with a few neighborhood women. Then, she didnt update me on the plans, and left me out. That would have been fine if that's all their was to it, and we went our own separate ways; but, after that, she tortured and harassed me every chance she got. She even recruited a couple of people on our street to do the same. I started to become afraid to leave my home, and my husband was out of town a lot during that time, about half the week, so I was easy prey being alone. A year later, we moved, in large part because of this woman. I don't want to say what another friend of mine and I did, but for the next couple of years, I got back at her in a major way (it was all legal). Now, if someone intentionally tries to hurt or harass me, I get back at them good. I am not wired to be that wa;y, but if someone messes with me, I mess back. However, if someone decides they don't want to be my friend, and/or the feeling is mutual, I simply move on. I have no need to play those stupid power games and harass other women. Recently, a woman in my neighborhood and I became friendly. I'm almost 60, and she's about 10 years older than me. We had met at a few parties thrown by mutual neighbors and seemed to hit it off. She invited me to go somewhere with her, and I said that would be great. We met one other time shortly after, and briefly discussed plans to do this. However, I never heard from her again about it, and I recently ran into her. After chatting for a few minutes, I asked her if she'd gone to that event. She told me she had gone with a friend of hers. She hadn't forgotten about asking me, she simply decided to go with someone else. After chatting for a few minutes, she mentioned having dinner with the husbands and I said 'sure' (but didn't really mean it), and she suggested I text her. I should text her? I don't think so. Sounds like another set-up to me. I have no intention of texting her or having dinner with her and her husband. You get one chance with me to be a reliable, considerate friend. Once you blow it, I never come back for more of the same. I do think that the hurt and anger protect us, adults who were abused and traumatized as children. I think so many of us have been naive and too trusting, sometimes for decades hoping it will change, and the hurt and anger teach us that we can no longer be that way. So, I think anger and hurt serve a learning function for us. Children of abuse and trauma don't learn the same way other people do, like people who grew up feeling safe and supported. I think, particularly if we were used, taken advantage of, and scapegoated in our families of origin, we need different ways of learning how not to be preyed upon by those types of people - and there are many people who are happy to oblige, probably walking around with their own trauma, but taking it out on others like me. I don't know what comes into play with trauma and abuse survivors, where some spend their lives trying to displace their hurt and anger on to others, and some (like me) have no desire to do that. A video on how that occurs and why that is would be very instructive.

You can't change anyone. Sometimes you have to just walk away from toxic people. Even when they are your family. NO ONE should EVER accept toxic behavior. When people truly love you and care about you, they will care about your feelings and how their toxic behavior is affecting you. If they don't change when you talk to them after the first time you have to respect and love yourself enough to walk away. People that respect you and care about you will ALWAYS care about your feelings and your comfort when around them. If they don't they are not ready to have someone like you in their life. NEVER stay with anyone that doesn't care about your wellbeing and feelings. That's the red flag to run you will only get burned by someone like that. Just a helpful tip for anyone that reads this. ❤

Nailed it on every point. The I DONT BELONG made me yell YESSSSS thats it !! Omg im so glad YT put ya in my feed as ive been researching "avoidant personality *

I have been struggling with my mental health since dating as a teen in the 90s when the girl I was serious about messed around with every guy she met, got pregnant and convinced me I was the dad at 14 yrs old and the child was lost. I never recovered from all that and physical injuries, later finding out in my 20s the kid wasn't even mine and could've been the kid of my niece's dad who had 5 kids already with 5 other girls and that ex when talking as adult to bury the hatchet and get closure after she went through school to become a therapist and she ran through PTSD diagnostics with me and said "well, you were never in the military so you CAN'T have PTSD, that's only something veterans deal with". Yet, here I am almost 3 decades later and I'm still going through the cycle and repeating all the fears with anyone else even my former wife who started due to my PTSD triggering and now my best friend has gotten hurt due to my lashing out from fear of being hurt myself when the non existent actions seem to be happening but it's all in my head. Been having PVCs since ex-wife got sick before she passed but I doesn't the last 3 years in a haze since my dad was murdered and just starting to snap out of some things and need to get back to where I would've been and heal all I can do I have a chance to be happy in life

I had a very similar experience. I did wonder if I was unreasonable too. I knew logically that I was not unreasonable. This really helped validate my experience

Wow, just put them all in the forefront. This is powerful! Great job Anna I'm enjoying the hope you are sharing. Healing is possible

I cured this issue. I ceased interacting with humans in an interpersonal, social, manner. This will automatically make it impossible for someone else to be the problem. It will also automatically make make it impossible for me to be the problem. Too much stress is placed on interpersonal, social, interactions with humans. It really is not very important. Anybody can cease being social and live a perfectly successful, profitable, positive, life. Myself, there has been no friends, nor a girlfriend, in my life since 8 August 2000 at 18:34. I am leaving a perfectly successful, profitable, positive, life. Why contaminate my life with others invading my life? I do much better without an invader bothering me in my life. Loneliness is a learned emotion. I never learned to feel loneliness because I have always been alone with only fleeting interactions that are not social in nature. Thus, I have never learned to depend on others for entertainment, working on projects, nor as someone to assist me. Being alone is a way of life that all should try. It is extremely rewarding, far more productive than the life of a social person, and far healthier than any social life.

When I first met my husband he asked me why "do you start every conversation like you're already in an argument?"

67. All of this, all of my life. Nothing but negative experiences. Alone then. Alone now.

“A life of trouble “ Great

I've had cptsd for 28yrs and why on earth do I feel deeply saddened when I find out my favourite female therapists and youtubers are *married* when they come across as fiercely independent to me"... and I feel like I can relate to them UNTIL I realise they have have love affection and support on tap 24/7?

Thank you for giving me hope. After 41 years of sobriety and 4 1/4 years of in ACA, I am hopeful after listening to your video I now have EYES WIDE OPEN 👀and now have hope that with God's and your help I can heal the trauma. ♥

I just learned some examples of disregulation when you mentioned some. Yes have experienced a few. Id like to learn more about why a person gets disregulated, how they can understand what leads up to a person being disregulated, how they can minimize doing so. How to be kind to yourself after "losing it" and learn about your nature, and responses.

I am so thankful for your channel! You have been a huge instrument in my recognizing my childhood trauma and how it's shown up in my adult life Eben during my early parenting (looking back now)I use your channel to invoke topics between myself and my therapist. Thank you Thank you Thank you!❤❤🙏🏽🙏🏽

I didn't grow up with violence, alcohol or poverty, I went to a private shool and lived in a good suburb. But my mother was hypomanic and she made my life a misery. An undiagnosed ill parent has just as much bad effect as the usual factors that repeatedly come up.

Anna, you deserve a Nobel prize award for what you do ❤

You consistently put the “human” in “humanistic.” Thank you for your wisdom❣️

Everything IS temporary, and I buy the things I see as valuable because I always had second hand thread bare crap growing up. But now I buy what I want.

Hope…thank you.💛🙏100% about relationships. Been holding on forever for fear of loss, being alone & struggling financially. I never buy what I really want for fear that I won’t have money to live in the future. Also, I’m afraid to appear as if I have more than others whom I know. It’s a guilt thing.

Anne i know from these stories you had people in your life who cared and took you in. Even a person who cared enough to take you under their wing and show you about daily writing your resentments and fears. i can imagine that helped you come through w all your wisdom and hope Im glad your tank got filled enough to get to sharing your wisdom

Your videos are so difficult to watch. Around 6:40 started talking about being romantically involved with people we don't even like. You're so spot on that it's hard to get through these.

I did grow up under trauma, I'm 62 and it drove me to be extremely successful. I really don't feel part of groups because I see such bad behaviors in them. I'm good, I have very close people who like me for me.

Yes I have this, i roll through discord servers like paper plates... there was one group i was in that felt chronically on the outside, but the owner told me "dude, you're one of our core members!!" and it surprised the heck out of me.... i still ended up leaving when i felt dejected later on

Many people are not out to get me. But the narcissistic people I’ve been involved with including family members actually are/were out to “get me.” That’s been a challenge to realize but it’s important to get that.

Thanks for another useful video. I think what is often overlooked is that while a person has C-PTSD (either without knowing it, or, recovering from it), the same demands and expectations are placed on that person as on person who does not have a damaged brain and nervous system from childhood abuse. What is difficult or the problem with this, is that the patient then also places those same expectations on themselves (because society does). This i think is a very real handicap in a) realising you have cptsd and b) for those who already know, recovering; because it means you may never get realistic thoughts in your had, and take realistic action (i.e.: action that is proportionate to the reality of your condition).

Listening to this, and I’m struck by a few revelatory thoughts…one is that my husband, who I am forever accusing of not understanding boundaries, is less culpable in our current state of conflict than I am. Why? Because I had sex with him within hours of meeting him. The hard truth is that it’s me who has no boundaries. I taught him, by my actions, how to treat me. I demonstrated my low opinion of myself. I really get this now. Two, for women of certain generations, and by that I mean women born in post-1940s, the sexual revolution did not “liberate” us, but only reinforced our estrangement from our true selves.

Ouch! So true. I’m hanging onto every word. I don’t even feel I belong in the group of my 4 adult kids. I found you around 4 yrs ago. Listened to just about every RU-vid while on a long distance drive. YET! I’ve never done the work. I’m ready.

That is amazing that you brought up the boundaries of a moving car that you feel unsafe in because that just happened to me.

No one will want me anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died for many years. And due to my poor health my teeth are ruined. I have no monetary way to even begin to heal. I'll die alone. Even if I stay. He hasn't touched me since 2015. And he doesn't know why. Allegedly. Been friends since middle school and swears he's always loved me. But can't stand to be in same room w me. He is upstairs. I am down. 😢

LOVE THIS - at around the 30 min mark you say something like "You can even ask them, do you need a little break?" OMG that can be weaponized and/or misinterpreted as weaponized SO EASILY and quickly. I quit drinking in 1994 and my brother would often ask me, when I was working through some horrible issue that presented badly to him, "Are you drinking again?". Now it came from a place of love and compassion and an overwhelming desire on his part to help me but it was interpreted by my mind as "Your behavior is not OK. You're behaving like an hysterical woman right now and you need to clamp down on those emotions cuz it's 100% NOT OK to be acting like this. You're a grown man, not a child. Get your shit together." Now I didn't have those words before, all I had was reactive emotion and it would almost always spark VERY INTENSE anger or rage. I had to tell him to stop doing that because it was horribly patronizing and dismissive of what I was going through. It was hard for him because he wanted to help, he wanted to solve whatever problem was troubling me and when we talked about it I told him "There's a hell of a lot of stuff you can't solve or fix so don't try and it doesn't make you a failure" That helped. It freed him from trying to fix his broken lil brother and it helped me trust him so that I could share more of what was really going on. For me, his question was akin to asking a woman if she was having her period. Eventually when he'd ask me that, I'd just let my anger fly and he finally quit asking me because it never was the case that I drank again. Anyways love your videos but that part really struck a nerve. Thanks for all you do Anna. I love your channel and your work!

Yes You can heal! ❤ Former Stepchild 😂 Now I'm an overcomer! I'm loved so deeply, and I'm learning to use my unique gifts to serve others. 💕

Your videos are slowly and steadily changing my life. Thank you so much for that. ❤

I relate to a lot of what you say but what baffles me is I didn’t have a “crappy childhood “. Is it possible to have all these issues even if your childhood was good enough ? Not perfect but as a 53 year old mom of two I realize I can’t be mother of the year either - I don’t usually post on social media but felt the need to reach out and thank you for helping so many.❤

Reminds me of when my mom said to me at 13, 14 years old and very sad already and feeling strange, apart and weird and generously seasoned w heavy shyness - "You can't be anything you want to be, that is a lie. Don't be fooled by the saying, 'You can do anything you set yr mind to!' It's not true, Molls." That bit of "advice" stuck out hard, even tho my memory of my childhood is bad, everything feels like a vague, poorly remembered dream

16:48 boundary and outsourcing -19:27 nobody will save me