I CREATE LIFE...and I destroy it. BLOG: cinematicexcrement.wordpress.com TWITTER: / smeghead4269 VIMEO: vimeo.com/cinematicexcrement (If you can't find an older episode of Cinematic Excrement on RU-vid, it's probably here.)
"Bees are genetically-engineered to recognize royalty." Can we test that by releasing several swarms of Africanised Honey Bees into Buckingham Palace? It would amuse me.
Surprised no one mentioned this in 5 years but JUPITER ASCENDING was clearly an attempt by the Wachowski's to do a space opera remake of the 1914 (yep that old) adventure serial THE PERILS OF PAULINE. The "Jupiter kidnapped, Canine rescues her" bit done over and over was an update of the serials cliffhanger format.
We tried to watch this movie with my friend and we literally fell asleep. However he made an ingenious observation that got stuck in my head: The bad guys are Bela Lugosi style classic vampires... IN SPACE! Think about it: They have a victorian theme to their clothing while having a gothic theme to their architecture, they harvest human bodily fluids (blood/DNA) which they use to stay young forever, and the bathing scene had a distinct Bathory vibe to it. They are also subdued, seductive and haughty with a crazy streak and they view their human servants/subjects as nothing but live-stock to fuel their immortality. Also, to stay with the classic horror theme, the female lead is an "innocent maiden" being tempted by the vampires while her love interest is a sciencey werewolf. All the movie needs is a creature created from the bodies from several humans and animated with electricity/science and we have the entire classic horror lineup. Maybe we could even stick a mummy in there somewhere as well...
You are onto something. What if Dracula came to London and found that vampirism was not illegal. He could have built a legit business where he turns rich people into vampires and a harvesting operation in which he provides them with blood for boatloads of money.
@@wjzav1971 Have you read "Anno Dracula" by Kim Newman? It is mostly about the fallout if Van Helsing failed, but vampirism becomes stylish among the rich and powerful.
My brother bought this movie and I watched it with him and his daughter. He has never really been someone to really pay attention to a movie that much like I do. And he usually falls asleep. This was the first movie where when it ended, he just sat up and said, "Well that was a bad movie."
2:45 - 2:50 As a former hotel maid, I have never known anyone to scrub a toilet by kneeling on the floor in front of it. Nor did we contemplate our life choices while *leaning our forearms on the rim!!!!*
Jupiter Ascending. In the theoretical case that the wachowskis actually manage to get a sequel greenlit, how would they call it? Uranus Expanding? =D **ba dum tss** Get it? Uranus................ okay I'll go away now.
I have to agree with Smeghead. We need to have a movie with Jeremy Irons, Michael Sheen and Eddie Redmayne together. Hilarity in the making right there. I will pay big money to see it in theaters.
15:56 "yes sympathize with this" Jupiter Jones is a human being that never volunteered for the role unlike the fearless superhero Princess Leia who has no human weaknesses
If there was to be a movie made of Redmayne, Irons, and Sheen hamming it up, there would be arrest warrants out for the producers. Why you might ask, the people who would see the movie would literally die of laughter.
+Nathaniel Levesque Don't forget about Angus MacFayden in Warriors of Virtue. "llolololoo, WARRIORS, come out and plllaaaay, hahahahhaha." Seriously, that was hamming it up at it's most hilarious.
+Michael Singer I would suggest adding Wings Hauser from Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time to that list as well. His villain Arklon in that movie is easily the best thing about it! And thank you for reminding me of Komodo, he is beyond hilarious! XD
+Michael Singer Lol your comment made me laugh so hard, I didn't understand a thing he said during that scene "lololololo!" XD That would definitely complete the freakshow.
Spongebob kicked this movie's ass on it's opening weekend. Now I have this wonderful image of SpongeBob kicking Eddie Redmayne's whispery, screaming ass.
Scratch that: NC's review was better. Smeghead ripped off allot from it. Even word by word lines. I'm not saying Smeghead done a worse review. It's only the sensation of deja-vu that make this review like an yesterday soup: it help you with the hunger, but it not satisfy it. He can do pretty good job and he can be fairly original, but this review get a ''meh'' from me.
ithinkmynameismoose I completely agree. The Smeghead is more concise, direct, and his humor is not that of a 5 year-old. Plus you don't have to sit through a 5 minute unfunny skit before the actual review.
I think Eddie Redmayne has waited his whole life to play a villainous role. Prior to Jupiter Ascending, he auditioned for the role of Harry Osborn in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, being friends with Andrew Garfield and all. No offense to Dane DeHaan, I thought he did a really good job, but oh boy, is the idea of Eddie as the Green Goblin awesome. Plus, he's still holding out hope that one day he'll get to play a villain in the Marvel Cinematic Universe:"I think those Marvel films like The Avengers - Scarlett Johansson, Tom Hiddleston are pals and they look like they have quite a lot of fun on there, so perhaps I could play some sort of weird English baddie."So, guys, which Marvel or, heck, even DC villain do you want Eddie Redmayne to play?
@@l.tc.5032 In 2019, Sean Bean has said he stopped taking roles where his character dies after "Game of Thrones". Apparently, we made way too many jokes about it.
I think "Jupiter Ascending" would've worked a lot better as a novel. Some concepts are best explored within a written medium because they would seem overly silly/ridiculous if depicted in live-action, and this is a great example of that.
El Vegano Cordobes At least that scene in Hitchhikers was MEANT to be boring and added character development for the aliens. Also for comic effect in a dry sense. Here? It's torture.
You can really tell, they were inspired by Anime on this one, if you look at the costume designs and overall story and world building. The Wachowskies should try their hand at Anime Adaptation at some point.
I think Jupiter ascending could've worked if they made it a TV show and tried a lot harder to make Jupiter a more interesting and compatant female heroin. And tried to simplify the plot a lot more.
YES! finally someone else who put the connection between Eddie Redmayne's performance and Jeremy Irons' in the D&D movie. and I wonder what came first, him acting crazy, or the dragon men, to tie those even closer
I actually liked Jupiter Ascending. I was the ONLY one in the theater that burst out laughing when Aro burst out in that wierd possesd 5 year old girl laugh, It was great.
Word of Saint Paul: Mila Kunis says that the main reason Jupiter is stuck cleaning houses is because she's too lazy to get a different job. Eddie Redmayne says Balem speaks with a rasp because a wolf-man ripped out his larynx (but hasn't said whether it was Caine).
"Needs of the many, bitch!" LMFAO 🤣 Yeah, I saw this with my mom and kid bro and for whatever fun moments we had, we also had a problem with the title character, such a shame since Mila Kunis did her best. Also, apparently our local film critic was one of the very FEW to give this a position review upon release mostly for its style and silliness.
This movie could have been fixed in the end with a simple bit. The bad guy grabs her and all the sudden she looks up and says "I just realized something, I have grown up scrubbing toilets in a gravity well and you've spent a millennia in a zero gee orgy chamber." She then snaps his arm like a twig.
13:02 - Actually, Sean, Kalique did have a motive for kidnapping Jupiter. Right after she reveals that her mother died, she says "My mother and I did not always get along. But I hope that this Recurrence might mean a second chance for both of us." She saw this as a chance to make amends with her mother and she wanted to take that chance. Granted, it could've been delved into a little more, but it's something. And I actually wish they had explored this more, because unlike her brothers, Kalique actually comes across as an honest and kind person, not a backstabber like Titus. I got the sense that she really loved her mother and missed her very much. Granted, she still supports the harvesting of other worlds for making the Abrasax Youth Serum, but you see what I'm getting at - there was a lot of possibilities to be had with her character. Which is why Jupiter Ascending should've been made into a TV series because that's its biggest problem to me - it feels like a TV show season which got crammed into a 2-hour movie, and my God, does it show. I still find the movie entertaining, but the fact remains that it's a goddamn clusterfuck. It's clear that the Wachowskis had tons of idea they wanted to explore, but they couldn't due to the limited runtime.
Something that was missed, best filed under "fuck subtlety": That elephant man's name was Ganesh. As in the Hindu god of beginnings, who has the head of an elephant. So you gotta wonder: what did that do for that elephant guy's brother Marvin? I'm sure there were some hurt feelings in that family...
The thing about this movie is that... I kinda like this idea. Earth being used for "cattle" by a Game of Thrones-esque family who use it to be immortal, each one wanting t otake over the planet but they need to get over the obstacle that is the "reincarnation" of the matriarch, conveyed by the genetic code repeating itself (which is almost a mathematical impossibility) which, for me, could be an entire trilogy rather than cram it all in a single movie.
I am halfway through this review and I already know what the producer's thought process was during the pitching process.... Concept 1) That sounds AWESOME! Concept 2) That sounds AWESOME! Concepts 3-Fnarg) These sound AWESOME! Now make a movie with them in it....
I would just like to mention that Olivia de Havilland's Maid Marian in 1938's "The Adventures of Robin Hood" needs to be rescued only once. Bear that in mind: Maid Marian, one of fiction's premiere damsels in distress, in a movie made over 80 years ago by a bunch of dudes who didn't give a wet fart about feminism, needs to be rescued exactly ONCE. Jupiter Jones, on the other hand, an allegedly "strong female character" in a movie made in the 2010s, needs to be rescued an embarrassing number of times and is dull, forgettable, and contributes jack all to the plot. Again, just something to think about.
Everyone craps on the Matrix sequels. I really enjoyed the entire trilogy. Yes the original was the best of the three, but all three were an enjoyable ride.
I don't know if this would fix anything but I feel like Kalique's character would've made more sense and been more amusing if she abused the RegeneX to keep herself to the age of a child. Then her spouting off exposition, wanting to be closer to her mom and completely ignoring Caine when he broke in would've been a bit more justified as her acting childish. You could also add in the conflict that she's such a clingy kid that she wouldn't want Caine to take her mom away to the space police. The only downfall to this is you'd have to find a kid actor who could've pulled it off without being annoying.
9:20 Here is another Computer Game reference. This room reminds a lot at the Landing Plattform for the gondula from the Earth surface in BIOSHOCK INFINITY.
After your vlog about Jupiter Ascending, I was sold on Eddie Redmayne! He is still the main reason I will watch this movie, and secondly the train wreck of glory it supposedly is. Your teasers for the next cinematic exrement are as cryptic as always, but I`ll make an educated guess and go for Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I love your reviews, so keep it up!
there's a movie critic on youtube named Decker Shado. he said he didn't care what any other critic thought about a movie. that's a good way to critique movies. i liked this movie.
The bee scene was where I checked out of this mess of a movie. If it didn't want to respect brain cells; then so bee it - I'll watch the remainder in a thumbnail while surfing the internet.
What's wrong with intelligent bees? The 1978 horror film "The Bees" is about how mutated killer bees become Earth's dominant species and will let us live in peace as long as we do as they say.
So the half man half wolf somehow has "Bird" wings... Which half of his genetics provided the DNA for that, the man or the dog, because right now my dog and I feel confused and cheated?!! One of us should be able to fly!!
A lot of people thought that Star Wars was a “silly movie “ at the time in came out, until it became the biggest movie of all time and lasted for over 40 years.
"bees don't lie" bees and hips are natures lie detectors. Also, this movie is like a live action cartoon, if that makes sense, lots of cool stuff and ideas w/ very little, if any, backstory or explanation. Its as though it was made to entertain 12 yr olds
