Conflicts in the Funeral Arrangement Meeting: Throwback Thursday 

When dad died the funeral home was busy, so we had to wait a couple of days. We actually used it as a blessing to make a scrapbook of his life that also had blank pages for people to write their memories of him, or their expressions of sympathy for us.

Often as funeral directors we are relied upon to mediate family issues during the time we are making arrangements. Some situations can be extremely hostile and it's often very difficult to handle these situations. As professionals we have to do the best to work through these obstacles and tend to the duties that we are called upon to perform. Great video Kari.

As the eldest of my family, everything is pushed to me. I’m ok with that. However I tend to let my siblings know what I’m doing and what were my decision was. It worked for us without any problems. In my mother’s funeral we all pitched in and even had money left over which was used to cover the luncheon. Everyone left happy.

I think one of the benefits of cremation that some people may not consider is that it affords you a lot of flexibility. There are a lot of specialty things that can be done with ashes, but besides that, it can give you more flexibility with a service. Once the family has the ashes, they can do their own service whenever they want. I've seen people get creative. I had a friend whose dad died in the fall. They had him cremated and took the ashes along on their annual family camping trip the next summer and made it into a memorial camping trip. I took care of someone who was hurt in a rafting accident. When he died, they used a metal ammo box as an urn, which are also commonly used on rafting boats because they're waterproof. He also died in the fall and they had a service at a small venue near a river and then planned to take his ashes up to one of his favorite rafting spots the next summer.

Hi Kari - your videos just now re-appeared on my play list. Welcome back. Hope you are doing well. Just had to tell you how much I enjoyed this video. There were several points that I was answering as you introduced the topic and some that brought a smile to my face. That would be the smile of recognition. It took me two years to realize that I'm the easiest target at an arrangement conference so I don't feel down or pressured like I used to years ago. I've seen every one of these situations - and well - it's nice to know I'm not alone. In my career I've had to sadly ask two families to leave due to physical threats being made in my direction. It has become much easier to "read the room" now but it can still be an adventure. I also now only will use one of the insurance processing services if people come in with life insurance policies. The phrase that amazes me the most is "They were under Hospice care for a year - we have no money." Really? :/ Your advice is spot on. Thank you for this one. :)) Looking forward to many more.

I think the theme of the year at work is family drama. I can certainly understand and feel your pain.

This whole video was on the straight up. There are too many options that can be changed to reduce cost. Everyone wants the best but everybody needs to be real. I was fortunate that my parent’s planned and paid for everything. Their clothes were ready and they had money set for family flowers. She was vocal about us not having to pay for anything. They planned their funerals and we did not change a thing.

My brother and I did not get along, particularly about my Mom and Dad. But when she died we both went in and went over the plan together. He probably didn’t agree with what I said. I did not agree with several things he said. But RESPECT comes into play when others are around. Respect!

Soo helpful! Thank you!

Never wanted to be a salesman.Good for you,Kari,and have a great day.

First of all>>>Welcome back...Very well said Kari! I'm sure keeping a level head with families, etc. is high priority...U know this and u are truly dearly an expert, informative, and range of knowledge/experience is AMAAAZING...

Thanks so much for your insights. 😊

My biggest issue with families is POA. People will come in thinking their POA paperwork says they can handle mom's cremation without having to get the estranged siblings involved.....but really the POA is all just regarding her estate and finances.

I've often wondered what happens to people who had no money and whose family has no money. When my uncle passed, my sister had to put a ton of money on her credit card, but we couldn't access HIS money. I couldn't have afforded to do that, so if it was only me, I guess he'd still be lying in the funeral home?? I don't know, but it's been over a year and his estate still isn't settled. I was happy my sister could front the money for a basic cremation (no service due to the pandemic), but I feel bad that some people won't be taken care of because their survivors can't afford it.

I appreciate you and what you do and what you deal with.

Fantastic video. When our parents died, my family pretty much went through all of the scenarios you talked about. You really see the worst in your siblings at a very hard time. I am the youngest of 7 and I had maintain control at the planning because I thought my sisters were going to get in a fight. It was quite a scene but I have to say you nailed it with this video. Love your videos

I'm telling you this simply because it was easier for me and the funeral director to finalized everything without all the drama.Thank you for your advice#

Hi Kari! girl, you banged the nail on the head big time with this one. I've witnessed it! Take care of yourself.

Hope your doing good snd have a awesome day Kari

My mom works for hospice and these kids all bicker and fight and are nasty with the hospice and hospital staff even before their parent passes. It’s crazy. These poor people can’t even pass in peace. So I can only imagine the bickering and fighting that goes on at the funeral home. If at all possible everyone needs prearrangements made. Even then the families will be in disbelief and try to argue with the paperwork.

Really enjoyed this video Kari. I don't know how I missed seeing it before.

Thank you for all this great info 👍🏻

Money is not evil-it is the Love of money that is the evil part.

Worst family that I've ever had.....had three siblings that didn't get along with their other three siblings.....Mom died, had to have two funerals, one for the first group, one for the second group. All decided that one visitation was ok. at the visitation the night before they got into an argument and the dad tried to stop them. The dad got so upset that he had a heart attack at the funeral home and died right there before first responders got there..... Basically I had to go through the exact same thing all over again with the dad.... Had several law enforcement officers at all four funerals to keep the peace...

I already have my arrangements done. I know what clothes and jewelry I'm wearing. Have picked out my casket and my head stone is already set. Sence I'm and identical twin , my stone is exactly like my sister.

Thanks, Kari......I stuck with my mom's desire to be cremated. Cut and clear. Quite different for one who dies without a request for how the memorial should be done. My mom, shared with me what she desired.......so, I honored her request. The family...only one question.....is there going to be a graveside service for the burial for the ashes? No.....That wasn't in her request. BTW, I held off the Memorial Service until two months after her decease......so, a head stone is erected next to my dad in the cemetery. Quietly, and very effective.

I had my husband's family to come in with me prior to his passing and told them how much insurance that he had and I couldn't go over 2000.00 more than the 10,000.00 policy on his arrangements unless they wanted to chip in and help pay the reminder. After we picked out his casket and agreed to use our vehicles instead using the cars at the funeral home and a 1 time only visitation and viewing.his funeral was 12,000.00 .I was able to set up a payment plan to finish off the bill.And the family said or expressed any dissatisfaction on the way I handled his arrangements.

Great video!! State laws have always been an issue in CA as to whom has the legal right to control. Not sure how they are in other states. In CA, those NOK whom were incarcerated have the legal right to control. If a woman kills her husband & charged with his murder, she still must be found to agree with the family's choice of FH & sign an Order For Release for her husband's remains to be handled by that FH. FH personnel would locate & have the surviving spouse sign the release for someone else in the family to handle & pay for arrangements. The outrage would understandably be dramatic, but it was my duty to inform family members the need to do whatever necessary to uphold the FH's license & avoid lawsuits. Those situations were the most profound for me.

I like what you said about the overhead of the funeral home, because actually a funeral director and staff are somewhat on call 24/7. Like a hospital etc....So that the business needs to cover the time that the staff is there, even when they may not be present in the building....I think a funeral director and staff are very busy and even holiday's aren't even holiday's....Also funeral homes/ director's have thinned the overhead down, because the economic climate has changed, more people are selecting cremation/ streamlined funeral service/ church service etc....Visitation hours have changed, visitations used to be 3 hrs or longer, no church services, no burial, no vault etc....So funeral directors need to up there volume to cover the slow times....so it can be like feast or famine and covering the bases....

Thanks kari your videos are awesome. I don't like golf either if there is a water hole my ball will find the water. I have seen in obituaries where they say in lieu of flowers you can make donation to the funeral home is this a way to pay for the funeral

A lot of conflicts are prior to the passing and climax during the arrangement phase. Queensberry rules apply.

Where can I get a locket to hold my Shepherd’s cremains? I pick her up today and really wanted the locket for her cremains and fur. Oh and her photo. This has been an extremely difficult few days as she went from fine....to passing in 4 days.

Ok...Funerals,Weddings,etc you can read people like a book,they disappear into the background where money and decision making is concerned then during whatever event is happening put this show of emotions on to gain some credence for themselves mmmmm! You have hit the nail on the head again,why can't people just come out with it ...! :)

sometimes funeral insurance pays for it and people have to concider the dead's wishes the last full measure of devotion

Hey Kari here's another way to say it the feces hits the Westinghouse nice way to say the shit hit the fan LOL.

My parents are still alive and my eldest sister is already causing problems about this

Money changes everything, doesn't it

HI KARI ✋ GOOD VIDEO THANKS!!! YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY !! IM GLAD I DONE GOT ALL MY FUNERAL TAKEN CARE OF MY SELF. IM SO GLAD OF THAT6. THATS THE ONLY WAY GO !!

Good point Kari. Money is the root of all evil when it comes to inter family conflict. Why is it that it brings out all f the ugliness in people?

When there is no money on an insurance policy, does the company give you written confirmation so that you do not have to take the angst?

I would remind these fighting family members that the sooner you can embalm Aunt Edna, the less icky she'll look and smell in the casket. That should make them settle the matter quickly.

Hi I live in UK do you have to have a priest or a vicar at a burial in the USA even if the family are not religious and if you refuse to have them will they not let you carry on with the burial .sorry if questions seems stupid xxx

Hi Kari, I have a question.. Say I die, or my husband. Do we have to go threw a funeral home? Am I allowed to just bring my husband home and the family bury him ourselves? I think this would be something I would be interested in myself. No coffin, just buried in some sort of cloth and maybe a tree planted over me. Hope I'm not being to morbid. Is this something that can be done legally? I just hate the look of coffins. I'm from Oklahoma.

My parents told me the had there pre need done. My Mom went first. Everything was taken care of. I think I had to pay the opening and closing. When my Dad passed I was in Hawaii on vacation. I talked to the same funeral home long distance. I told them everything was paid for and I would be home in 2 days. They informed me it was not paid for. Just the plot was paid for. I had him cremated and interred in with Mom. Now I have a plot I will never use. I want cremation.

Unless a funeral director was extremely rude . I have no problem with them ive been to a lot of funerals most of the time I don't say anything to the funeral director. I'm to much focasist on the current situation to take notice

Good morning 🌞. How many cremation remains patients you did with that situation