Do Autistic People Make Bad Parents? What My Counselor Said 

I feel this.

I have heard this a lot from older late identified Autistic parents. There is not enough info out there about this. These are some of the challenges of being identified later in life. I can see your shock of what your daughter was saying and then to leave is so heartbreaking. At some point as you said, you have to let them live their lives how they want. And, offer support when you can. But, it doesn't stop the heartache. Hang in there. With you being so genuine, I can't imagine her not coming back around at some point.

I don’t think it is unusual for a neurotypical to look at a thriving autistic person and think things like, “you’re so isolated!” Being autistic can be isolating, but that doesn’t mean we have the capacity for more than one close friend at a time. That doesn’t mean we’re lonely. A neurotypical might need 6-8 close friends to feel ok, but that’s because their relationships are different than ours in fundamental ways.

This is something I worry about a lot... Connecting with my child is very important to me, and I do feel like I fail them consistently. What I would say is to try to be kind to yourself. I often get stuck in a sort negative loop, and most of that comes from self-loathing. I don't have any advice beyond what I've said, and I hope this helps a bit.

I'm not a parent (thus nothing I say is advice), but I'm a late-diagnosed autist that strongly believes his dad is an undiagnosed autist. Many times I thought he was narcissistic, at least with us, his children, but then I learnt what were his motivations and could see a man with a heart of gold that just didn't know how to express his emotions. I think letting your children know what your motivations are and asking them what they would see as love (plainly and not assuming things) can heal a lot in their lives. As humans, we are going to hurt other people, whether we intend to do it or not. And as autistic humans we often see everything as either black or white. When my dad, or my mom, or my siblings, or friends of mine hurt me, nothing is more valuable than hearing “I'm sorry”. I often don't need them to try and repair what they have done, most of the time hearing them say “I'm sorry” is more than enough. As I can learn from human relationships, we hurt each other very often because we assume a lot, yet we seldom ask.

Oh boy, what a topic. I have been feeling the same way. Did I do a good job raising my 2 sons? Did I show them enough physical love, did I hug the them enough, and cuddle with them? All sorts of things go through my head about what I might have done wrong. This type of thinking doesn't go anywhere, and isn't healthy. I know that I did the best I could. You are on the right track with your son....show interest in what he's interested in. I don't think that boys are like girls, they don't need a social network like girls do. One good buddy is often just fine. As far as your daughter is concerned, writing a letter is a good idea, however you might want to try writing 2 letters....one to send and one not to send. This is a really good topic Jenny, I enjoyed all the comments 😊💖🙏

I would NOT recommend going to your son’s place of employment and observing. That’s the kind of thing that would push away a child. Bad, baaad advice and bad boundaries. What you can do is talk to your son about whether or not he feels isolated or struggles to connect with others when he wants to. Even then, it’d be to listen, not to solve his problems for him. If he asks for advice, sure go for it, but it can also mean a lot to just know your parent cares and is there to talk about it with you. Chloe Hayden’s book “Different, Not Less” talks about how she just wasn’t ready to socialize so much when she was younger. And when she was given the space to take her time and explore the world when she was ready, that is when she made valuable social connections.

It’s hard to make a solid recommendation. One thing that popped into my head. You might get further with your daughter, if you are able to validate her statements to you. I’m afraid if you just tell her how you feel. It’s possible she won’t feel heard, and possibly extend her position. If you’re truly confused by her position, I would say the only thing left to do is ask her. If she speaks her concerns do your best to acknowledge and not dismiss. I also admit, I obviously have little to no knowledge about your situation to truly give advice. Just a general idea.

I am today sure my mother and I both are autistic. Growing up her needs allways took up a lot of space, not really leaving enough space for the rest of us. My problems were either shamed and invalidated as an inconvinience, or analyzed far beyond my actual problem. Docters and psychologist were used as threats, and if I came to her with emotional problems, she would analyze absolutely everything negative about me, everything i did and ate wrong. Her solutions allways felt way of to me, like a glutenfree diet for emotional problems. I felt she never saw me, only her idea of who i should be, or what she thought all my faults or problems were. She on the other hand thought we were really close, because i as a child would cater to her needs, play therapist and so on. She didn’t see, that I would worry if she would come home hungry from work that day, because then she would rage at us about everything and nothing. A lot of eggshell walking. When i as a grown up pulled away, it really puzzled her. When i sought answers, I also read alot about narcisistic parents. It was just a very current topic at that time, so that was the first thing i found on my quest. Today i know, that we all have narcisistic behaviours, and that doesn’t make us narcisists. Often they stem from cptsd. Yet those behaviours can still be toxic, and we need to take responsibillity for how we affect others. When i set up boundries my mother has seldom respected them, and she has never yet tried to actually see me without judgement. We are low contact today. I don’t see the same lack of motivation in you as i do in her. I will tell you what I would wish from my mother: I wish she would reach out only with the intention to know me better, and wouldn’t use information i gave her to jump to conclussion, but rather ask: “what does that mean to you?”. I wish she would see my good sides, without placing expactations on me, and not pass judgement on my shortcommings. I wish she wouldn’t tell me how she feels, because I KNOW how she feels, and everything has allways been about how she feels. I wish she would contain herself, and give space to what i feel, and ask me what solution i would like to solve that problem. Problemsolving is a form of lovelanguage, I know, but when children aren’t that small anymore, it becomes a form of boundry crossing. Crossing a boundry sometimes is not that big of a crime, the actual crime is not listening and validating the childs need for boundry, and instead trying to justify the motivation. In the situation just say:”sorry, I see my intention was misguided, what do you need me to do instead?” At the same time, we should be aware, that being in an analyzing mode, which often is our default, takes us out of ‘the present’, wich makes it hard to experience true emotional intimacy. Heidi Priebe has some good YT videos about being in ‘the now’ with our close ones. I don’t know if this actually gives you any perspective on your own situation, but I know I would be very happy, if my mother actually wanted to learn, and was motivated to see my side. I would be sceptic first, because I would need to actually see and feel she was respecting my boundries this time around.

I hope you feel better soon Jenny 💕

I’m a parent as well and honestly all the parenting advice I researched felt almost like it was written by bitter people who still had resentment towards their own parents 😅. So if even NTs moms I know struggle but the struggle the first few years was extremely traumatic for me it made not want more kids due to the trauma of post partum depression and fear I dealt with (also the amount of nightmares that my child dies bc of me ooof it was bad times the first few years of his life). I’m okay now but I’m also like u nervous one day my son will resent me and I’m mentally preparing that conversation by trying to do what I say and being fair. So far he’s been a great kid but I still worry if I’m even a decent person or he simply took his dad’s inate friendliness to seem good. Either way I will try my best and be prepared to properly apologize and make up if need be in the future

I have an almost 19 year old son. He had me up on a pedestal until about 2 years ago. I think parenting teens is very hard. I have only recently self diagnosed. I can see how I made mistakes parenting him from an ableist perspective. I think it will be a few years before he and I will be able to truly connect again. 😢 I am so glad you posted this and I really feel your pain sister. ❤

This video really hit home with me. I have 4 grown children. 35-30 years old and 7 grandchildren. I just told my kids last year about my autism! Only because one of my daughters said I was being selfish and didn't care about her or the kids. I talked to my grandchildren everyday on their way to school as I drive myself to my school where I work. I live about 3 hours away. I thought we were all very close. Some weekends I was too tired working in special education to make the drive to them . I needed to recharge. I just didn't have it. My children thought I was selfish, rude and whatever. I had to tell them. I did the best I could with them growing up . I had no idea I was doing anything wrong . The autism disclosure definitely changed our relationship. We are not as close anymore. I have not dove into that yet. I have no therapist yet . Still looking for one that knows how my brain works. Not how they think it should. Sorry I don't have answers but I'm happy we have a place to share. I want to hear from others how they navigate parenthood. I hope this is right I have no idea where I put my 3 pairs of glasses! 😂

❤ I wish I had good advice for you. ❤

I totally agree about parenting. It can be so disheartening, and even more so as an neurodiverse adult.I was struggling with youur last collab video because I was going to send a clip. I started it a few times and then scraped it. I scraped it for several reasons. One I struuggle to be on camera sometiimes it feels just weird idk. More importantly, I was ashamed of my answer to youur questiion about would you take a pill to get rid of Autism. Most days, yes. So disappointed in myself to say that. The main reason was parenting. I am constantly questioning everything II do and how tto manage teaching and guiiding my kiddos. My sons autism has been a pretty big struggle and I dont know how to do anything right most days. What I was taught was mostly neurotypical growing up and I know it hurt ME growing up unintentionally. So, how do I learn to do these things the right way for my kiddos. Also, its not that I dont love some of my autistic side, but the weight of my inability to socialize at times, or my inept feelingss communication. My total lack of ability to absorb things like other people. My constant failures in executive functioning make me feel so darn pathetic. I like my autisticness but yet I hate it. I hate that it always intereferes with relationships. I wish it didnt ever hurt my kids. Idk If that makes any sense at all.

I’m new to your channel, but I struggle with this everyday. I constantly worry I’m not a good enough parent.

Uffff... one of the hardest thing in my life, if not THE hardest is to have failed as a mother trying so hard to be a very good one. Always read everything, planned a homebirth and coloured the towels in warm pink to reduce the birth-shock as much as possible, ate the right things, went to breastfeeding groups, PEKIP, vegeterian Alternative private kindergarden, coloured the walls of his room in the colours books said will be good for him, had no TV/computer, bought organic food, read books to him every day, went to museums etc. a lot, ... I tried to give him the live and education of a good middleclass kid as a poor single-mum. Wear the same pair of shoes for nearly ten years to afford him things. But was not able to stand his loudness, his agressive outbursts that reminded me of brutal men attacking me. I felt always he is too much, even after his ADHD-diagnose it had a name. But I got a AD(H)D-diagnose then, too, and my needs were denken totally by his and that was a dilemma I was not able to solve öeft alone at the end. I was not able to have the power to tolerante it any more when he was 15, didn't want to take his meds any more, skin school, scream at me using really bad words, Sterling and in the end in an typical outburst he took a metal ladder and destroyed the glass in the door to my room (we lived in a two room apartment whoch means in Germany kitchen, bathroom and a room for him and one for me, no living room like in american houses or flats.) That was the moment I broke down and called the police to take him out to the youth service. I cried and felt so guilty. But the foster place was very good and I was soooo releaved after I found out he is okay there and wished I would have done earlier. The family therapist there was very helpful.it went a lot better. But then we had a big argument and stopped contact. I had my first total autistic burnout without knowing beeing autistic. Tried to kill myself after some month loosing also my job and had to move out because my flat I rented was sold and the new owners wanted to rebuild the whole hpuse, it was too much for me. Unfortunatly they reanimated me and after some days of coma I woke up in a hospital. I forbid to tell my son because I thaught it will be better for him.not to know, hate me as an egoistic mum and not feel guilty, because of cause it is not his fault to exist. He doesn't know I had been violated and that was how he existed. I thought "god will punish me" when I do an abortion... Now I don't think like this any more and I am so sad about how our lives could have been so much better if he was born to another mother and I would have Gottes my diagnose and some help early in.my life. It is a paradox, I did love him and wanted the best for him (at least he did his school and now studies at a good university history), but I wanted to have a chance to have a life for myself, too. Knowing about my AuDHD I think I wouldn't planned kids, even before I wanted many. I feel guilty every single day, an ongoing mistake, grieve of an lost life (I wanted to study sooo badly and have an Akademie career, always was told to have a very high IQ as a child. His "father" has non of this problems I guess. Didn't went to police, but never saw him again. Know he is married with two kids and earns a lot of money now after short beeing in.prison for drug-selling... Everybody judged me and even if my brain says "they don't have the right" I feel they have. Ugh, it sucks sooo much! I am so thankful You spoke this out loud. I found this wonderful ND-community here on YT but if they have children they seem to be able to manage problems so much better then me. And I see their big houses, that they are not as poor then I was since running away from my rich but violent home as a teenager, not knowing how to pay bills every single month... it is a grieve-like Kind of jelouscy I feel then. I don't want them to be in a poor and alone state like me, I really love them and it is not their "fault" having a family, support, enough money, whatever that I don't have. But it feels so bad to not have had. Puuuhh, it is a hard topic You opened.

This topic is not talked about at all...Its so hard.

I think that being a parent would be hard with autism due to sensory issues. Especially when they are small. I am not a parent though. The situation with your daughter is difficult. Hopefully time will help. One good friend is not too bad from an autistic perspective. Does your son feel lonely? I hope things go well for you!

Your son may have issues with socialization. I know I did when I was that age. I know that forcing me would have been....counterproductive at best. You can't force him. If he's unhappy with his level of socialization, then he might benefit from some therapy himself. If he is happy with it, then my advice (free, and worth every penny) would be to leave well enough alone.

Also, your undercover at McDonalds clip was 🙌🏻😂

My mother always attacked me as a kid.. her meltdowns, ocd, and control problems usually ended with her emotional abuse. She took everything as a personal attack on her and always lashed out with horrible comments.

I have the same problem with Dr appointments, if I don't write it all down beforehand it all gets mixed up

I couldnt watch this after you said you were asking for help. Not ready to revisit that part of my life. Only discovered in September i am Autistic. Will say i can feel your pain.

How admirable your vulnerability is. Here's my advice about your daughter. If you write to her, don't talk so much about how you feel (like your counsellor suggested). She already feels like you've been too self-centered, and making the letter about yourself will probably feel like that again and make her feel like her feelings don't matter. I would instead make it a short letter where I'd say that I'm deeply sorry. I never wanted to hurt her. I understand now that she's felt neglected. I am trying to understand more, but I admit it's very difficult to me. If she ever wants to tell me about it, I will listen. I respect her needing distance and want her to do what's best for her, but if she ever wants to talk or needs me for anything, I'm here. I would like to learn from my mistakes and be a better mother and grandmother.

The worst feeling. I'm so sorry.. I understand your feelings. I'm having the problem now. I was just diagnosed adhd and asd. I feel so bad. I miss my daughter. Its over a year we haven't spoke. I tried to really good ,, but it seems I met missed a lot.

💚

It's a bewildering and frustrating situation you have with your daughter, Jenny. She has some problems of her own that she is unwilling to share, at this time. How recently did she have her psychological evaluation? The fact that she had one means she knows things are not right with her and she wants to get to the bottom of it. You are NOT the cause of this situation. I think your counselor's suggestion to write to her is a good idea. I wish you and your daughter could see a counselor together, though! About your son...do you mind if I ask why and at what age he wanted home-schooling? I have nothing against home-schooling, btw. My son's best friends growing up (he's in his early 40's now) were at least partially home-schooled. Most of them did end up attending public school for senior high school years, though. The 2 families we know whose kids were home-schooled all the way through were from very large families with the siblings all close together age-wise. It seems you have a good relationship with him, Jenny, and I wish your counselor hadn't added more worries for you about him, right now. I was very close to my son when he was a little kid and it continued right through teens years into adulthood. My most difficult time with him was when he was a baby, but that's another story. Let's just say I'm good with kids once past the baby stage! This sure wasn't much advice. You know I'm here though, Jenny, any time. You can always email me. And I'll say it now--- the little insert of "you" in a trenchcoat and sunglasses spying on your son at work made me LOL!

In future videos it would be great if you linked to the video you're referring to so we can find it easily. 😊

It must've been so difficult finding that Narcissistic book. To be misdiagnosed and potentially ostracised because of it by your own daughter that's though. Hang in there Jenny. I went for a 18 month stretch of being blocked by my x-wife, not being able to contact my Son because she just thought I was a bad Father and didn't care for him. She said that my Mother was just the same as me - turns out she was correct, but she just didn't know at the time that both my Mother and I were Autistic. That was the hardest 18 months of my life.

Hi Jenny ! What a complicated topic... I don't have kids, I would never give parenting advice to anyone. I can only give you my honest opinion. First of all, from my experience growing up, I can tell you being neurotypical doesn't guarantee being good parents. I have a lot of CPTSD to attest from it, and still working on it. I don't see any reason why autistic people wouldn't be as good or as bad parents as NT, there is no rule about that, it's about every single parent, and every single child, in my opinion. I tend to think autistic parents are better equiped to raise autistic children, because they can understand each other better, but it can be more complicated when the parent, or both, are undiagnosed and unaware of the nature of their difference. On RU-vid, Samantha Stein (Yo Samdy Sam) talks a lot about parenting, I think, you probably already know her. But she has young children, I'm not sure it would be that helpful to someone older than her, or a grandma, I don't know. Maybe people from your community ! About your son, and it's just my opinion, as long as there is honest communication and trust, everything's good ! NT are obsessed with socialising, but I'd like to meet a diagnosed NT ! Neurodifference is not only autism, and all together, it could be a bigger part of the population. So, what if your son is ND, or what if he just doesn't like to socialise more than he already does ? As autistic who have been masking for so long, we know how traumatising it can be to force socialisation. He probably wants to make his own choices. If you're supporting him whatever he decides, isn't it the most important thing for him ? But spying on him, hell no ! How does your councellor think your son will react when he finds out, because he will, he lives with you, and we, autistic, are bad with guilty behaviors... Why not just ask him if he's happy with his life ? Well, That was a bit long, sorry... I hope I didn't sound disrespectful. as I told you, I'm not a parent, I never experienced these struggles. Have a nice day ! Edit : I would never be able to give any advice about your daughter, I don't have any kind of contact with my father since 1998. It was my decision, I don't regret it, but it was a very diferent situation from yours. Anyway, I have no idea how renconciliation with a parent, or a daughter works.

@7:30 The advice about observing him at work doesn't seem OK, with me. Maybe if you could walk-in as a "paying" customer a couple of times and quickly notice how he is doing but the way it came off is weird to me. He's not a child on the playground. . . Other times, maybe, depending on where he is on spectrum. Or if he asks for help.

I don't think it is a problem for him. Who made the rule that kids need activities and clubs and a bazillion friends? One issue I have with counselors is the guidelines are cookie cutter like at times. Just like school. Some people don't need or want all that. Maybe they will in the future, who knows? If he has a friend, who is a good friend that is wonderful. Just because someone has a ton of "friends" doesn't mean they are good friends. He hangs with you and your husband, has a job and is self motivated to homeschool. Sounds like a very mature young man to me. Mom of 4 here.

Is the therapist worried about your son socializing because she’s NT? I’m not saying socializing isn’t important, but I feel like NT people put a lot more significance in friends etc. I’d say if his mental health is good, you’re on the right track. If he has interests that he’s pursuing, he’s doing fine. Mg oldest is 15 and homeschooled; she would like to have friends over occasionally, but otherwise is happy to draw, write, do video games, hang out with our cats etc, and we spend time together. Everyone is different. About your daughter, I’m so sorry that things haven’t improved. I hope relationships can be mended in the future ❤