Really wanted to break no contact tonight. It’s been 6 months. But I didn’t after watching this video. Thank you for uploading your content for free on the internet to help people like me. Means a lot.
I gave one month NO CONTACT, she screamed at me for doing it, she hates me sooo much for doing it, so now I am doing more NO CONTACT until she opens up again to me. Thing is NO CONTACT is for healing, once you got that healing, then you can be in charge of contact, but NO chasing and NO begging! Yeah, the person must change to be slightly dateable, currently it is just tantrums and rage attacks. Look after yourself first!
These videos are really helping me as I try to cope with being blindly discarded and him not wanting to talk about it when usually he was an open book.
Really sorry this happened to you too. I just cannot understand this behavior, especially if you had healthy communication beforehand. I hope something turns around for you.
I know it sucks. I went through it too. Almost 4 months of no contact and she reached out of me. We're slowly reconnecting and it's going well. All the best.
I just blocked my ex on WhatsApp tonight. I’m not expecting to hear from her again, she is obsessed with social media and WhatsApp so that is a big deal for her. But who knows, she is so completely unpredictable, she doesn’t even know. I’ve been bursting to tell someone, I’m so glad I could post about it here.
Find another girl better than her and you ll move on easily . I'm going through nc right now for a month today .... I do miss her but I have to keep my dignity intact.
My ex straight-up played me like a violin, exploiting my kindness and my capacity to forgive him over and over again, like I was some emotional crutch for him to lean on when he couldn’t carry his own weight-I was hooked, line, and sinker, totally caught up in the game he was running. I mean, it’s like he flipped the script on me, projecting all his failures on me, making me feel responsible for his downfalls just 'cause he couldn't face his own crap, couldn’t articulate what he felt, and that’s weak. Real weak. He saw me as a threat to his fragile little world. My confidence, my optimism-I think that scared him, you know? He was the kind of dude who played my heart like a string puppet, exploiting every chance he got to make me feel like I had to prove myself to him, making me feel like I had to earn his love and respect. That’s not love, that’s straight-up manipulation, and he treated me based on what I allowed him to get away with, whether it was all lovey-dovey or just straight-up disrespect. He knew I wore my heart on my sleeve, and he took advantage of that. It’s like he played chess, moving pieces around like he was the master of the game while leaving me high and dry when I needed him the most. I mean, he’d bounce on me, straight-up ghost me, then come crawling back like a psycho, blowing up my phone with apologies that only masked the same old patterns-a whole sob story to hit that ‘sympathy’ nerve with me. That’s just sick. He had that baby boy vibe, like trapped in a grown man’s body, acting tough but really, he wanted someone to enable him-to coddle him, let him slide through life without any accountability. He didn’t want to face reality, didn't want to take responsibility for anything, and the moment things got tough, he’d bail out. And that resentment? Man, that’s a poison he was definitely keeping in his heart. His true feelings wouldn’t even bubble up until he was high or drunk, and that’s when the real darkness would come out. He’d lash out just to deflect, ’cause facing the truth was too painful for him, while I was out here trying to love him the right way. But listen, it’s clear he wasn’t ready to step up and own his emotions-he’d rather just bail, take the easy way out of every disagreement like a coward, while the people trying to love him got left holding the bag. He’s just another dude trapped in a grown man’s body, still dealing with mommy issues or caught up acting like life is some kind of playground, too scared to grow up. And yo, it’s like he would let all his frustrations boil up inside, only for them to spill out in the most toxic ways once he was hit with something that took him over the edge, whether he was fueled by alcohol or just in a bad place. His character was a reflection of his inability to face the truth, and it hurt him too much to deal with those emotions, so he projected that pain onto me, taking his anger out on the ones who genuinely loved him. He thought he could push me away because I kept trying to love him while he didn’t even love himself, trapping me into this cycle of pain. It was like I was just trying to reach out, and every time I did, I got burnt simply because he couldn’t handle being vulnerable.
He discarded me in late October 2023, I usually chase but was too devastated to do so...thank God for that! Exchanged our stuff the week of Thanksgiving and he was sooooo angry which I did not understand...again too devastated to chase. I know now what a blessing that was on my part. Reached out on Christmas to say a simple Merry Christmas which he reciprocated and have been in no contact since...working on myself. Discovered all the No Contact videos on Utube and those helped me hang on BUT...didn't discover avoidant videos until 3 weeks ago. Wow was I with an avoidant! Due to another Coaches advice I sent a Happy Bday message...after almost 4 months of NC! I am sooo mad at myself! It was just a simple HB hope you are well and he responded with a TU all is well but again I am so mad at myself! Just discoved these videos and I am so mad the other coach gave BAD advice. Hopefully I didnt F things up too bad. These videos by Coach Ryan have really kicked up my healing to a new level and I am so thankful!
I can relate ! 8 years of total devotion for me. She up and ghosted without a word. I’m glad you exchanged your stuff without incident and got closure. I’ve had nothing . Completely devastated and pummeled and paralyzed .
He never even discarded me. He just treated me like total crap. So I stopped all contact. He's totally blocked, and I will not contact him in any way. It wouldn't even occur to me to do so. I don't chase anyway, I'm feminine and feminine does not initiate. I ignored all his attempts to contact me, ghosting and blocking him totally over one year now. I was in love with a fantasy, not with him the person. Now that I see what he is, I wouldn't deal with him even if he crawled begging.
@@teem5945 He treated me like crap, not crab. If he had treated me like a 🦀 crab, that would have been delightful, I love animals 😍. The only things he ever gave me were disrespect and betrayal.
@@user-ck6ly4st3v Thank you for the correction. It was just a typo. I know the meaning of the expression. Do you mind giving an example of how he disrespected you and how he betrayed you?
@@user-ck6ly4st3v what did u do for him to treat u that way? Women always talk about how bad the man is but don’t take accountability on why he reacted to your behavior.
5 weeks of no contact he texted me to trade our stuff. I agreed to a time. I’m debating just opening the garage door so he can go get his stuff and leave mine. No contact.
Coach Ryan the information you provide in your videos truly helps its a process and journey I appreciate helps in understanding knowledge growth healing process there’s a saying the heart ❤️ wants what the heart wants true, however, never settle for less than you deserve self love you are worthy thank you blessings for helping so many with your work and videos 🌟😇
Thank you. Now I understand why we worked in a professional sense but once we started being “exclusive” our relationship became a nightmare. I really appreciate the videos!!
Brother I cannot thank you enough, thank you for this content , you touching lives . You’ve helped me alot over the past weeks , GOD bless you and all the subscribers who love your work . 🇿🇦
Thanks coach, so often these days it seems I'm hanging by a thread. That you post so often, encouraging, 'getting it' keeps me going. I deserve better than I've gotten, working on myself to be prepared for whatever comes next..
Thank you for adding the part about having kids together. I was literally wondering how to move forward because we have to text about kids every once In a while.
I am so so glad I watched this as I was contemplating reaching out as he has an important work case coming up. Seeing this, I'm definitely remaining silent. My heart hurts for the pain and sudden discard but regardless of this, I need to put myself first and try to heal.
You're maybe feeling like me... I was almost going to reach out to see how something important in his work life was going... then I saw this and realised "no, I have to maintain the NC rule"! It can be so hard but definitely need to keep one's self worth.
Thank you so much for this, yesterday was hard as I was feeling like I needed to send a text which thankfully I didn’t. He is not talking to me because I called him out on a lot of things so he’s been ignoring my text. It is ok though, I know my worth and he will soon know it as well.
Yesterday was hard for me too. It’s been about three weeks now since she ghosted me and all I think about it sending a text. Telling myself it’s all a misunderstanding. Deep down I know that’s the worst thing I could do. Reaching out now just tells her throwing me away is okay and that I’ll forgive it when it happens again.
same thing here, she disappeared after some calm voice messages explaining why here avoidant behavior was hurting me, i see her at work and we hugged and i just told her she can reply to me when shes ready, its been 4 days and nothing, i cant be with someone like this.
You are absolutely fantastic… hard to do but needed your encouragement today to keep remembering my worth and value and not break no contact , thank you 🙏🏻
I’ve been watching a TON of your videos, and they are hitting home in a way nothing else has. Is it because it’s the truth, or because it’s exactly what I’m desperate to hear to explain why my wife of 11.5 years (partner for nearly 20) just discarded me without the slightest warning when I discovered she had been having a secret emotional affair. She never once told me anything was wrong, and when I told her it felt like something was off several times, she gaslit me each time. But once her affair was discovered, then I was accused of being “emotionally abusive” and “controlling.” I wasn’t a perfect husband, but I was supportive and kind to her to the point all of our friends always praised me for how much I loved her and cheered her on. These videos are salve to my broken heart, but can I allow myself to trust them? Either way, thank you for making me feel much better today. 🙏🏼
I’ve watched so many videos about attachment and you capture so many nuances I saw but needed validated. Would love to know about your personal experience and how you’re so insightful in this topic?
Thank you for your channel 👍❤️he gave me a ring 💍 because I pushed for it after 15 years in long distance relationship. I wanted to have a child. Anyway he texted we have nothing in common bye. I t was 2020 he s been trying to be my friend. .. I send him happy birthday 🎉🎂 he was rude mean and disrespectful to me . I blocked him. Now it’s 2 month I am not going to contact him !!! Done ✔️ thank you for your channel!!!!!!! 👏🏻👍
Hey! Love these video Bc no one covers being discarded- I’ve been discarded like 4 times in a more than 10 year relationship- sucks😢😢 But this is real talk!! He breaks up then comes back breaks up and comes back… this time he hasn’t 😢 and out of all names his name is also Ryan! A sign
i broke no contact to tell her that my one condition was seeking therapy and she refused. i thought she deserved the minimum to redeem herself but this is also the answer i expected. your videos have helped me realise that i'm not crazy and not the only one feeling this way, so thanks for changing lives and relationships. when i was younger i consistently broke no contact and now that has negatively affected the current situation - she thinks i'm not being serious and doesn't believe i'll actually stick to my word. knowing what she is now i definitely will, and will move on. i doubt she will initiate a message in 3-6 months, but maybe she will surprise me
I broke no contact too so many times , I still love her so much and in just 2months we'll be going our seperate ways , I wanted to work things up with her but she always ignored me now its already been 13 days since she ignore me yet again , idk what to do anymore
@@doubleJJ01 you just have the move on by using no contact and expect to not hear from her again, honestly. for my situation, i have done my best to help her and our relationship and she has denied all of it, so i can move on knowing that i have done my best without pushing constantly. saying goodbye is really hard, but suffering with the heartbreak over and over is harder
But you do know what to do. You just dont want to do it. You leave them alone and heal your self worth and the pain of the breakup. Or keep going and humiliating yourself with someone who absolutely WILL do the same again. You cant fix them. @@doubleJJ01
🥺 I miss him.. but I know it’s best.. I did send a last text then removed everything.. couldn’t help it. But it seems he’s doing real good. I’m content with that.
Thank you I’m so happy I found you he has been in and out my life for 7 years I give him everything I help him a lot I moved here because of him every year he disappeared then maybe he comes back he said he loves me but he don’t know what he wants a 63 year old man
Ugh, how and when do they feel the pain when they were the ones demanding no contact so they can erase me from their life? They loved me deeply then freaked out and had a dozen excuses for dumping me suddenly then cutting me off completely. All I want to do is talk to her because it’s driving me crazy that she could just go from affectionate and clingy to never speaking to me again.
This is my situation. 100% disorganized attachment. All the videos I’ve watched suggest she could be in relief for months before lowering the walls and really processing it. Now she only sees the bad so contacting her makes the walls go up higher and longer.
I just got out of one via them discarding me out of nowhere a few weeks ago. She was a massive avoidant and all I could think was ' I can knock these walls down' and anytime I brought up the lack of communication and any thing regarding my feelings with distance even when things were going good which was 95% of the time she would claim I was making her walls go back up and claim im over thinking. Bare minimum seemed to be like the most day disrupting thing they could do. I WILL NEVER DATE AN AVOIDANT AGAIN. At this age people should be ready to be adults if they want a relationship like she originally did and pushed for. It is not our job to fix these people. My secure attachment became an anxious one due to her neglect to practically any sort of re assurance or any words of affirmation which caused the keep guessing how things are thoughts constantly cuz she would never speak up until the discard.. Stay away from these people.Thats my suggestion. The bread crumbing and gas lighting was atrocious. Im currently in no contact and while it hurts at times, the relief of not walking on eggshells is worth it. We were official for just under a year for context and it was a local relationship.
Honestly I was fine being just friends with her. As long as we could laugh together I was happy. I'm still hurt over being dropped like a sack of potatoes though.
I need guidance. Please help. I'm having a moral dilemma. My avoidant not Ex because he refused to call us bf gf is at church so I have to see him every Sunday at church. He has made himself such a busy body there that he's everyone's sweetheart. He just discarded me out of the blue. I am just now realizing he blocked me on Facebook AND the phone We never spoke on FB so I didn't think of it until just now to check. So my question is how to treat him on Sundays when he comes up with his "hey buddy" and tries to be all warm but distant....reminds me of a used car salesman like you don't know me but you're trying to be my buddy. Idk everyone is telling me to smile back and be civil but I feel like he gets NO accountability that way. I want him to feel the sting of my glare so he knows I know what he's done and I'm hurt and angry. I deserve better than to be blocked and dumped like that...after 4 years of teasing me with marriage. I'm furious, insulted, and jealous bc he flirts with EVERY girl at church and I hate him so idk why I'm jealous...I'm a mess and I have to see him in two days and I'm not sure what to do or how to be. I'm so mad I want to slap his face.
Am so sorry for your pain, I feel exactly the same - it's the most difficult relationship to ever recover from. I never had a relationship like this before ever, nor ever had the heartbreak associated with it.
@@a.d.b535 no it wasnt ignored. He responded respectfully. But was "too busy to think about anything besides school". Crushed me. No one is ever too busy. You wouldnt leave a lotto ticket on the floor.
So i was maintaining no contact. It had been a month. Then he called me from another number to ask for some medical advice about his mom's health condition (im a junior doctor) I gave him the answers to his medical questions and ended the conversation without entertaining any other topics. Later in the day, he texted me with an update about his mom's condition and said "thanks for everything" I didnt reply anything to it And after that he didnt call or text again, nor did I. Does this count as breaking no contact? Also, why do i feel that i went two steps back in my healing journey after that conversation with him😢😢
(Edit : #malignant narcissist/ petulant narc, sadism, creepy tracking, phone mirroring, rifling through phone, banking app all while labeling the ) Im going to say that i get there's so many of us that this hits a nerve with (but i couldn't Begin to say actually how much it does me , im securely attached ) boy! She REALLY MESSED UP this last round (after taking her back time and again as a sincere empath & her a.. and this is all pro diagnosed) A "petulant borderline/NPD, dismissive -fearful, but also such desdain and toxic envy that she carried out SERIOUS criminal/vicious acts . (Yes the red flags were REAL ) To any on either side of the male female toxic personality trait receiving end believe me when I tell you. The female toxic personality dark triad is SERIOUSLY dangerous to every aspect of a mans life (as a hetero anyhoo) love your content sir. You have a niche'. Short but sweet. (This one really took on you speaking to " me" ) Without all y'all out here. It would be SO MUCH more difficult. Thank you. Great content . 👊🏾
Am so sorry for your pain, I understand exactly what it feels like. Nothing will ever devastate us like these relationships do, I don't know how we all heal from it long term. Just dreadful pain.
Actually I broke up with him but the reason was all the hurt, all the avoidant behavior towards me. We are working together and I am guilty of keeping a certain level of private Communication. We still have feelings for each other and he seems to suffer. I am better without him but every time we talk about us I hurt, am sad and need some days of recovery. So yes, dont break no contact!!
What happens when you are secure and broke up with your DA and they keep contacting you? You broke up with them because you weren’t getting any needs met in the relationship. Why don’t they just let you go and walk away if they don’t wanna be close anyway?
I am a secure too and was the dumpee. I wish I would have been the one to walk away, but her avoidance pulled me a little anxious and I didn’t hold my boundaries. They don’t leave because desperately they want love and closeness, but fear it. So when they get it they can’t handled it.
@@toddrick916 same here. Thankfully I only tolerated the confusion and trauma for a year. It took me a year to accept I coulsnt fix him. Becoming codependant on the clown.
I cannot thank you enough for how much you are currently helping me out in my situation right now. You’ve truly helped me during this process in the perfect time for me. I am worth it and do bring a lot of value. Thanks Coach Ryan!
Im glad you covered the neediness of the anxious attachment. Which must be revolting to avoidants. Its like they are flogging a dead dog and expecting it to come back to life because "they" want it so bad. And then they blame the dog for not coming alive and wasting their time 🤦♀️😂 heal yourselves ffs and learn to let go.
It’s been almost two months of NC… well almost NC. He’s been watching all of my Instagram stories and liked a recent story. 2.5 weeks ago he wished me a happy birthday (remembering specific details on how I told him I would celebrate it) and I replied with a thank you and a hope you’ve been doing well (he didn’t reply). I haven’t interacted with him at all beyond that thank you. I’m at a point where I think it’s best to give closure. He did something horrible to me and I want to offer him forgiveness so he can move on. I don’t want us to stay stagnant because of each other and I firmly believe that we deserve happiness, regardless of if we are together or not. I just think him doing this will sabotage his future relationships and I want to let him know that I forgive him. Should I still stay NC or should I reach out?
if you message him first about it he will know you're still thinking about him and will bring up the walls again. he did something horrible to you but he will find a way to make it your fault. accountability is not in the vocabulary of avoidants. you've done your best to help him and he refuses, you're better off to not message him and let yourself heal. hope you're able to find peace within yourself
My avoidant ex literally added me on social media and cancelled the request in 24 hours. I knew he was playing with me but it did trigger me and I messaged him. He never gave any closure. I literally texted him long paragraphs on how he needs to take care of his emotions. I even accepted I haven't moved on yet just so he can feel better but he didn't even reply. They don't understand logic but idk I still have hope that he is gonna come back. I am not prepared this time. I can't deal with him anymore. I am still in love but idk what to do.
@@prernanaithani5971 he did this to get a reaction out of you so can know you still care but also keep stringing you along without changing. with my avoidant, i set boundaries that i wanted her to go to therapy because i think she has trauma alongside the attachment issues, she said no, so i went no contact. that was incredibly hard for me to do, but i realised that if she doesn't respect my boundaries then how can i expect her to respect me in general? i also did this because it made it a lot easier for me to say goodbye when i saw she didn't want to negotiate, didn't fight, didn't care. consider doing this for your avoidant as well, boundaries are important for setting limits with the avoidant and for testing the waters for if they actually want to be with you, or are just messing with you eternally. good luck
My only reason to break no contact with my ex is because I have her concert ticket that she paid me back for at the time we bought em.. obv the situation is not as serious as having kids together or something and the tickets weren’t expensive. But wouldn’t it still be messed up on my part to not reach out about giving her HER ticket? Or should I just wait till she contacts me about it?
Hey Ryan, she’s avoidant. But she was also able to acknowledge that to me, and since we’ve been broken up for two weeks, she hasn’t gone more than two days without texting me. I couldn’t keep her from breaking up, but she said she would want to try things again in about 5 months after she comes back to school for the fall semester. What’s your advice?
Nope, Don't! If we are close to reaching out to you but you contact us first its easier for us to take longer to do so. We want the great feelings for you but its too much for us. Don't contact us if you want to hear from us. Itll be more validating and feel better for you if we contact first. Also don't reply to us too fast when we do, make us squirm.
what about long distance ? we was living together for 6 years but last year a lot went of and it put us in a temporally long distance relationship and during this time she lost a couple of her family members her mother being one of them and after about 3 weeks after the funeral once she wasn't so busy she changed as a person from all the grief she went through and broke up with me claiming she lost feelings. the story has much more to it but to get to the point i narrowed it right down. I'm 4 weeks in with NC and I'm not ever going to give in. Her last words to me was i broke up with you because of country differences and she wants to be single.
It seems she has gone through the grief of parental bereavement and probably need space to get through these dark days. Plus moving is a huge challange, even if its for work and good reason
No. They only find out later when the damage is already done. Then usually they regret what they have done. That's the difference to a narcissist. They know what they are doing and doing it on purpose.
Yes they do. Whats more is, they have done the same in every relationship and know how it ends these cnts rarely work on themselves. They usually destory lives because the attached hang on to hope of nothing but emptiness.
@maxsheerin8219 100% They are covert Narcs and it's time they quit being cut breaks with a label OTHER than that. The destruction they leave in their path and never answer for is horrific. There's a REASON they are so reticent to speak about their past. Or, in my case, lie about number of marriages (5. FIVE!) etc. Because anyone with any smarts would RUN.
Since they suppress their feelings, doesn't really matter if you love them or not. They don't love you at the moment. And If you push further to talk about problems etc. you will let gaslighted and they will find every bit detail to hate you as you continue you will get more and more hated by them. They want to AVOID that talk at all cost. This is their main focus not ur love... So they don't really realize or care what damage they are causing to a person loves them
A breadcrumb nice lol. Do you really wanna be the only one invested in a relationship? Probably not these people are vile and not for real loving and caring people.
If you have DA attachment style, then please go to therapy asap. Your partners do not deserve to have an avoidant next to them, it is extremely exhausting, anxious and unfair to them. What is the point to even go in to a relationship if you are not even emotionally available and are not ready to open up? You are just wasting their time.
What you are talking about is a narcissist, not an avoidant. Avoidants might hurt people, but they don't do it on purpose. They can be remorseful. That's the difference.
Please...write a script or something. You repeated "consequences of their actions" three times in a nonsensical way. I like your videos but they sometimes come off as a little amateurish due to the language used.
@@clarer5515: Hur-hur, because RU-vidr has some followers they doing everything right, hur-hur. Good English is good English. Repetition is used for effect, not because you're confused.
@@gabriellacoronado4528: ...that phrase was grammatically correct. I don't understand your point? Did you want me to say "Effective and well-formed English usage is the goal?" I was illustrating why you'd used repetition and how you'd use it appropriately, you goon.
Nah man. I'd rather hear the advice than not. I'm not here for entertainment or perfection. When someone who isn't a content creator tries to force themselves to be one, it slows down the upload schedule and starts contributing burnout.
Hey Coach, I’m just going to be honest here I was with my girl for five years, she was very much a dismissive avoidant, and she definitely discarded me, though I had my own issues and my own part in the break up as well. We both could’ve done things a lot better, but she definitely stonewall me for eight months. I broke no contact constantly for eight months, I did all the wrong things you could possibly do. I just loved her so much and I was devastated beyond words. I’ve been in contact for six weeks straight. I realize there are so many reasons for no contact ourselves being the priority, of course. But in the sense that I’m hoping to hear something from her in the future, do you think it’s too late to start now? Would it even make a difference if I reached out or not at this point regarding that I’m hoping to hear something from her eventually for whatever reasons
I completely understand what you are going through. My husband of 15 years left me in December. I broke no contact repeatedly because I didn't really know all this stuff. I thought if I could just reason with him that maybe he 'would see the light". But I have to forgive myself for making mistakes that I didn't even know about. I wanted so badly to fix it, to save the marriage. But why am I doing all the work?! He isn't trying to save the marriage. He refuses counseling. So what more can I do? 15 years!!!! Down the drain!! We were in business together. So I have no job, no career and I might lose my home.
