You're in very rare company Sara. Most narcissists just scoff, and are too proud to admit they have any problem, let alone try to change themselves for the better. You are a shining example that it is possible, and you've already no doubt helped so many people on both sides of the disorder understand a lot about NPD. Your videos have been extremely helpful to me in my healing journey after narcissistic abuse. Praying for you. God bless.
Same here. She is a gem. Thanks for your honesty, sharing your experience. You place us in a position that we wouldn't be able to be when we are on the other side
@14:42… that’s a hard pill to swallow. Prior to experiencing a relationship with a narcissistic individual, I took for granted that people - in general - just naturally wanted love, wanted to fix issues that arise, wanted to be their best self… Alas, no; not everybody does. As much as some of us want & will do for love, others will do to avoid it. I struggle to relate, but at least now I realize it’s true. So the ‘love heals’ ‘light overcomes the dark’ fantasy is over for me…when people don’t care about love and WANT to ‘be bad’…that’s what they will be.
This video is so reminiscent of what happened with me and my ex boyfriend. I was really trying to be different and correct the mistakes I’d made in my marriage. He chewed me up and ground me down to a shadow of my former self. I accepted all his chaos and the fact that his life wasn’t anything like what I expected. Didn’t matter. I had to be punished for the sins of all those who came before me and his mother. It was too much. My final Borderline defenses engaged and I ran away. 7 1/2 months no contact.
Even people who call themselves “empaths” can do horrible things to others if they are hurt enough. Being a good person, is actively choosing to do the right thing, even though you are completely capable of doing bad things. That’s what actual good is to me
I relate to both sides of this. I also feel it’s my karma to struggle with my relationships now that I’ve begun working on myself. Everything comes back ten fold. But karma is also a chance to learn the lesson and grow from it! Sorry about your situation though. Some people aren’t ready to heal or be vulnerable. They can be who they are and you can be who you are. If they ever start to hinder your growth, though, that’s a problem! Speaking from experience.. Side note, any partner or friend should be celebrating your progress, encouraging you, and putting in effort in your relationship. You do good work and you ARE a good person. Glad you can recognize that! If anyone in your circle suggests otherwise, they don’t need to be in your circle anymore. I know you’ll do what’s best for you though. 🤘🏽
This was the video that finally made it make sense Sarah. I'm so grateful, thankyou and very best wishes. I'm a 66yr old Brit who split with my BPD girlfriend 5yrs ago and have been hurting & trying to understand every day since.. Thankyou 🙂
Seeing your awareness made me wish my person was as aware as you, it would be soooo much easier. But you’re right, unless both people are trying, it’s doomed. Thanks for doing this video today 😊
Spoiler alert: The more commitment you make to being real, the more you will see real in your relationships. Neuro plasticity means we BECOME the things we think about and do the most (habits). Focus on your person enough and you will find that you can only "see" yourself through their eyes. Look within. All. The. Time. Journaling and these types of vlogs are mega powerful for this. Every single one of my relationships has changed for the better once I started simply trusting people to be themselves and practically ignoring them compared to the attention I was giving to what I think is "good" and whether I'm avoiding, anxious, or secure and WHY. I'll argue that narcs aren't wrong for not caring "enough" about others. All people need to keep their hands to themselves and stop expecting everyone else to make their fantasy into reality. Real recognizes real and it's 1000% worth it to learn that YOU are worthy of ALL the love YOU can give. Real = unconditional love for yourself to the point that you have extra to share with the class. This is true abundance mentality. Namaste
Easy answer is they dont care. Feelings stands above everything. She told me she would change, seek help for 12 years, nothing ever changed, just more secrets and more drama. If i recorded her and then played it for her to hear, she would scream and run out from the house.. So i had to end it, kids feel better to day, same whit me, but there s a vacuum after a toxic relationship that needs to be taken care of.
Im almost there. He keeps lying which is my limit, even about little things. I think hes waiting and dying for me to leave him. I dont get why they dont leave first.
Amen on not dimming your light for someone else. As long as you're genuinely trying to work on yourself, you're a part of the solution. Also, "Voices Carry" is a great song about the relationship dynamic you're describing at the end there.
Thank you! This helps me to understand the demise of my previous marriage, to an unaware BPD guy, even though we loved each other deeply. And we all agree that you are a badass!!
I hope you understand how much you are helping others. Regardless of your disorder Lady, there’s a place for you and others in my heart. From what I’ve seen in your videos I like you. Stay healthy and safe inside your body 🤙🏼😉
Transactional analysis yet again. Parent ego to child ego, when it’s being used to critique is known as a crossed transaction. This will flip flop as the “child” will assume the role of parent depending on how reactionary you/they are. Assuming your “child ego” has a conditioned response because of trauma based childhood, understanding transactional analysis gives you the ability to understand your reactionary tendencies. It’s a very powerful tool. Thank you for sharing your honesty, this makes a lot of sense ❤️🩹
I've been listening to your content all day. Appreciate your perspective. At the part in this video , you're discussing the journal. I, too, jouranled the last 4 months of my 20 yr relationship with narcissist wife. . It's what woke me up out of the delusion/toxicity. I always knew she wouldn't take accountability for anything. The daily journal proved it all. She still denied it. Anyway. Thank you for sharing. Journaling does help .One can see the written proof. . Your searching for true love it sounds like to me. I think it's what we all want . I'm finding it hard to believe your high spectrum Narcissist with the way you self reflect and what your seeking. Relationships are so messed up. I was working for a marriage that would last till death do part. In sickness and health. But she was not.Its so crazy as well that your wanting all the admiration and validation. But .. don't you end up resenting your partner if he gave it to you. In my case she did. I ad9red her all the way to the end when I finally had the ah-ha moment. But I was told you have obsessive love disorder. And I was too much!. Complete mind fuckery!!!!!🫣
In my 22 year marriage, I was happy when he had his own things to do and routines. When he started to become needy and hyper focused on me (after our kids grew up and our Yorkie died), I felt smothered and it pushed me away further. We were never the romantic type of couple. It was like a friendly business. We worked to build a home and life together. There were always ups and downs, he was also narcissistic and needing to be the center of attention. I just wanted to keep to myself and be left alone, and play my part of wife and mother. Your "obsessive love disorder" is wanting the romance that she couldn't give you. I don't think either of you knew what healthy love was. I didn't either. But I sure read a lot of self help books just so I could get alone with my husband and not lose myself to the void.
@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE it would've been nice for my x to have put in that kinda of work. From what I've been learning about relationships with a narcissist . They cause the partner to have so much emotional trauma with all the games played . Giving and taking affection, silent treatments . Breadcrumbing BS. Starving the partner of that real connection. The whole dynamic is messed up. Selling you a fake in the beginning, then traumatizing you till you wake up or die from it. And don't forget to constantly keep you working for them too. . . Anyway. ..
True, but it's called a mental illness BECAUSE we don't always have control over our internal thinking that causes inappropriate reactions (which ruins relationships and causes inner suffer for the disordered as well). Being fake kind constantly does cause resentments and exhaustion. And if you don't understand that statement then you haven't learned about the false self yet.
@@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE I don't know what to tell you, I think it all matters how you view the problem, are you being fake for something or are you putting in an effort to be kinder, because you know that is good for you? If you put it like that I think you are winning and surely gives you a sense of pride.
Btw, self awareness is sth most people I've encountered miss. I think I got mine by being with someone who was projecting on me all his "rubbish", accusing me of what he was thinking and/or doing when all I did was loving the person and treating him better than my own self- BIG MISTAKE. Luckily it got to such a ridiculous point that I had to leave for self preservation reasons. There was never and looked like there was NOT GOING TO BE a life there- only the fairy tale of one. But I got my energy, time, attention, love sucked to the point of exhaustion and was treated me like I was guilty of being a horrible person, not respecting his freedom because "I closed a window for him?". He didn't see reality, I realised clearly when I answered "yes" to sth ridiculous he heard "no" -I guess- and ended up calling a friend to tell him I had a problem with "authority". Not that I know of, but anyway why would it be a problem? Or was it that he had a problem with needing to be an authority? Really, life gets to a point of crazy - playing with your mind as if you had no memory. What light did he have? It was all a performance and his believing a fairy tale of success which he never incarnated 'cos he couldn't get more than 2 months straight at a job. If you don't care about someone, you don't deserve their company. Not you, anyone who feels like that towards sb who is giving you more than him/herself. Compassion to him and distance from sb who would make every single day or very other day, one's life hell for NO REASON. Self awareness is soooo important for all of us. We need to change too- and when we do change we don't want to be in such a daily misery. The fact is yes , YOU ARE LOVABLE. But you your loved us are forced out of love and behaving naturally... We need to think thrice what to do being mindful of how you could possibly react which would be a chaos for you and us. Peace and self awareness to all of us 🙏🏻🤍
Great to see you being self aware and trying to be better. It is a tough road but I think it’s worth the pain, in order to climb up of our “safe” (lonely) hole.
Wow, this is so hard... Clusterb I caught up with my cousin last night and confessed about my last relationship with a milkshake flavor I did not order. I said I had a call with someone from RU-vid she really helped me. He said said I know her! I think I have watched thousands of hours of her videos. Imagine that, you have literally helped 2 people from a family make sense of their life
Wow, this is so hard... Clusterb I caught up with my cousin last night and confessed about my last relationship with a milkshake flavor I did not order. I said I had a call with someone from RU-vid she really helped me. He said said I know her! I think I have watched thousands of hours of her videos. Imagine that, you have literally helped 2 people from a family make sense of their life after a toxic partner. You are a gift to us. I know it's hard but it is not unappreciated
I need to let go once and for all and is so painful. She went away for vacation and didn’t talk to me at all except to say I was creating drama cause I didn’t want to drive her to the airport in the middle of the night, cause I live 40 minutes away and I was trying to care for myself. She then said that I should be ok with us not talking for a week and when she gets back we can, always on her terms. It always goes back to her not caring for me and my feelings. The last thing you said, that you know you can treat us well and if you don’t is cause you don’t care, that’s it I’m more aware than ever that she doesn’t care. I’m just convenient for her, she hides me to her friends and can only see me when she’s lonely or wants me to spend my money buying her expensive dinner and beer. I went back to her cause she said she was trying to change and within a month she went back to being abusive and yelling at me for not doing things “right” in her mind. Now I feel like she’s punishing me not saying a word to me while she’s on vacation and will probably text me some confusing thing tomorrow like “I’m not sure what to say” or she’ll act like nothing happened and like I’m supposed to just be ok with everything and if I say I want to explain how it makes me feel she’ll make me feel like I’m crazy.
It hurts. Reality is hard to face. Mine obviously doesnt care either. He tries to mask up, but every 6 days it falls and hes the cruelest person Ive ever met. Empty in there for sure. Hard to hear and more to accept that he doest give a heck.
So great to see you kicking ass in your videos Sara. As Always, thank you for your content girl. Keep Shining Bright as the BadAss you are...as you should ❤️
Yesss! He should WANT to be with you and you're a good person for trying. That's all you need to know, and you know!!! Your vulnerability is ❤ and the more you do it the more it shows your bright light. Keep shining for YOU!!!
When you don't treat us well is because you don't care or 'cos you are running on 'automatic' and "forgot" we are there "loving" you to tge best of our capability and not the ones that damaged you to your core? When in chaos do you ever realise the chaos is not the current circumstances but the one of your projection? Is it possible to stop the "automatic" and use this as a tool of self awareness?
Why do you feel the need to be patient with your partner. Is it your self perception of superiority that makes you feel you are being patient? If you were yourself- not your best self, i.e. your relaxed self and when you feel the toxicity you do something for yourself other than spill it on someone else, would that be a plausible option?
Walk away Sara. It's been months of him see sawing you. He says "love shouldn't be this hard", but he seems to be the one not growing. Up and down, up and down. And you are definitely not as giddy as you were in the beginning. He seems like a boat anchor. Just my perspective watching for the past year. Love your channel.
Oooh putting on a mask is just being a decent person? We all would like to be selfish but that isn’t a good thing. We should treat others as we want to be treated.
Do you have a video on your parents and parental trauma & how you became a narcissist? I question if i have sociopathy because i had narcissistic parents. I know i have empathy but not a whole lot of it
I took down the videos of my parents bc my mother found my channel. To assess if you have ASPD, look back over your childhood behaviors as well as your upbringing. Getting into trouble A LOT when young (plus if you have ADHD) is the stepping stone to adult ASPD. I have videos on ASPD and Psychopathy as well.
Not always. Especially if they were the golden child or never physically harmed. Many people don't equate emotional neglect or micro aggressions causing CPTSD as Abuse. But the body remembers and will harm others through this psychological conditioning.
I literally started crying when you said “I'm learning that I am a good person because I am trying every day”. I know how difficult it is to even open your mind a tiny bit to the idea that hey, maybe I'm not the piece of shit I was made to believe I was since I can remember. We couldn't begin to explain to someone without these issues how painful it is, to look at your shame and see it for what it is and think to yourself: but what IF there is nothing actually FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG with me? What if I *am* redeemable? What if I deserve love and forgiveness and good things? That thought almost hurts more than believing what we've been taught to believe since childhood. You are so unbelievably strong and brave for sharing this and for coming on here and being so honest and vulnerable, I hope you actually take the time to acknowledge this. And you're so right that you are a good person because you try. I think that's the bottom line of it. Edit: Jesus, I felt it also when you said “this is my karma”, aghhh it sucks when you're trying to be better and it's almost Murphy's law that that's exactly when you'll run into someone with the exact same toxic behaviors you've had before. And because you've done it before and you understand, you stay, but it's unfair to YOU. I think it's a shame thing again. We believe we're the bad ones because we have done bad things in the past so obviously we're somehow wrong now. But no. If you're trying and you're being self-aware and communicating and working on yourself, that's all any of us can really do. Because no one is perfect. If your partner won't hear you and won't take responsibility for their part, and it's not changing or getting better, then you're not the problem. It's them. Like Kanika Batra says, narcissists are actually often VICTIMS of abuse and manipulation, even though that's not often talked about.
A few reasons. It’s keeps us accountable for change. There’s no reason for you to suffer longer than necessary. Those that can’t do, teach. Positive attention regulates our self esteem. We get to go to heaven. Lol
19:52 "We know we can treat you well and when we don't, it's because we don't care." G'damn! There really is nothing more to say. You could have done one 5 second video and that's it. Beyond that, it's all about me. I need to figure out why I am so desperate to love a person that never existed. A person I made up in my mind and placed on a pedestal. Why am I addicted to rejection, when it's the very thing I fear the most?
Dig into the roots of your own childhood trauma and you will find your answers. If you need help, I have many video on WHY you became trauma bonded to your ex.
what does it mean to grow as a person? can you grow up with another person? yes, but only when you are alone do you realize the truth of your problems, your thoughts. maybe your partner doesn't accept, because, even if you don't realize it, by what you tell us, you include him involuntarily. sometimes he's the white knight, sometimes he's the bad guy and people see him through what you said. if he is next to you, it means that he supports you, even if you "hit him" in his manhood. put yourself in his place. with the musical band he is a god and he likes it but in the world here ...... he is a man with problems. his ego? with masks, without masks.... when your heart tells you it wants the same thing as your brain, it doesn't matter anymore
You are a beautiful tragedy. Mask or no mask. We all have something inside of us that has cracks and flaws. It makes us unique and one of a kind. Thanks for sharing and trying! Keep freaking trying. Ps I hate that word sometimes. Have a great day! Namaste 🙏🏼
I feel personally attacked. Thank you. I do want to work on it because there is a small handful of people that I really really do love and want to be better for them. I am one of them. I do want to heal.
Just wanted to share - I was discarded about 5 months ago . She reached out to me February 11th and 20th. I ignored both calls. Her birthday was March 5th. I did not wish her happy birthday. I just glanced at her Twitter and she literally just made a video about how she hates me and doesn't like thinking about me.. Yet , you just went on twitter to post a public video proclaiming your hate for me? Seriously? Laugh out loud. On top of that , this morning she uploaded a picture on her Twitter of a picture that i took of her a decade ago when we were at union Station down town Chicago.. like why would you upload that of all pictures, then you're making a video about how you "hate me" and dont like thinking about me.... ok. Sounds like somebody is mad they're being ignored. She said in the video , "I don't like thinking of Robert I don't like talking about Robert I have a deep hatred for Robert that i know is not true but it's how I live." Unbelievable.. good day
@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE Even though she "discarded" me .. alright then . What's it mean. Is all of the Subliminal messages just her trying to get a reaction out of me ? If so , she's not getting it.
@@robpz448 reality doesn't matter, her mind won't let her be the bad guy. So, when she discarded you, you went away, therefore you abandoned her. mine did everything to turn people against me and push me away. After I left she told me i left her when she was in a bad space. She's actually telling the truth in a certain way, very logical with a piece missing. Good luck to you.
I dunno Sarah you deserve more than to be hidden away. That cognitive dissonance of wanting to be famous yet kind of keep you a secret seems suspicious. I’ve had that done to me and it’s because they’re usually embarrassed or keeping the doors open for new women. You don’t deserve that with as hard as you’re trying.
