“ Not everyone is qualified to be in a loving relationship… it takes a lot of compromise, self reflection and humility “ Thanks Richard. I love that you articulated this.
Thanks for this video. It forced some self reflection. For decades, I've operated with the theory that it's better to be alone than be in bad company. Now, at the age of 51, I'm thinking that it's better to be in good company than to be alone. Aristotle wrote, "To be a friend to another, one must first be a friend to one's self". I'm still working on it...
Dr. Steven Porges Polyvagal theory relates how we as mammals evolved to co-regulate our emotional states with the help of others. For most people watching this it wasn’t always safe as kids, CPTSD and all. We need to clear the body trauma to feel safe and relaxed around others.
First of all, romantic relationships are not the only places in which we can find intimacy and love. Love is everywhere. Romatic relationships are greatly overrated. You can experience intimacy (emotional) in any platonic relationship. I think we should stop thinking romantic relationships are the end all be all. They are not.
Love is everywhere! 💚💚 yes! I woke up just so happy today.. not in a gratitude listing kind of way. But feeling ‘loved’ because I’m not stressed today, I have time to myself, I have comfort & peace . for me, that’s love..
When you add abandonment/physical/sexual/emotional abuse into the equation it’s easier to understand how deeply impactful these traumas can be and helps explain so much. This is brilliant
New year 2021 I was sat in the cupboard under the stairs at 56 years old feeling like I was 6 again and wondered why. My New Years resolution was to find out why and it’s the only resolution I have ever stuck to and thank goodness for that! I found a therapist and it has changed my life and 9 months in every word that Richard has said is true. It’s painful and hard work but worth it.
As a healing do-dependent, I found that attaching myself to a pie in the sky crush helps keep me focused on working on myself. I don't feel pressured to be in a relationship because I have another person I'm going for. I'm an attractive person and a total narc bait because I'm agreeable. I like that about myself and I don't want to change my softness, but I do need to find ways to protect myself.
Ive been there i dont think thats the answer cuz then there will be the real human boy/girlfriend living up to some fantasy made up imaginary person which will make it even harder in my opinion
No, she didn't mean it in a literal sense that there's an imaginary boyfriend. She's lost her mojo, and like a lot of us it feels like a safe-zone to keep people at arms length x
Ridged over independence here ✋ Haven’t finished watching but let me tell you it’s the saddest and loneliest way to coast though life. Years of neglect isolation and abuse and after gaining independence as a young man not understanding the long lasting damage I suffered. Trauma bonding and putting people on pedestals only to suffer several perceived debilitating betrayals that completely destroyed me and my perception of reality causing extreme depression, rage and cutting. Those walls go up to prevent giving that level of power over your life to other people. There was no other choice, it was either suicide or decide you don’t need anything from anybody and disconnect. 20 years of being disconnected from the things that matter the most in life is enough to make a grown man cry..
Yes, we need to learn have boundaries that cannot be broken when we are good inside and assume others are the same, but many are not.....my suggestion is that you join a group with the same interests as you and start to make friends first, then see if you can meet women you like in that setting, when you have been hurt, we have a wounded energy, it takes time and kindness to self to get past the hurt, we have to do the inner work, otherwise we carry that into relationships!! God Bless!!
Reading these comments makes me wonder about the world, so many of us looking for the same thing but we end up with people who hurt us, how come good decent people miss each other so much and land on the empty soul suckers😓
My theory is that people like us are typically not the pursuers. We don't do the chosing, we wait to be choosen. We take what we get basically. I'm learning to be more assertive and discerning. Being proactive with taking back control. We can choose our own who, what, and when. Some how I think we're conditioned to think we need permission. We absolutely do not. We can and should learn to make our own bold and courageous choices and stop settling. I don't know about you but I'm tired of trying to make a pudding pie out of a cow patty. 😊
@@diannecooper8072 on point Diane.. whether romantic or business.. I am usely being chosen by partners.. I am not the one who do the pursuing.. and every single time I get enmeshed with the pursuer
People don't invite singles to parties etc.. due to married women feeling insecure and thinking the single would flirt/impress their husband. Men can be violent/have much anger due to testosterone and few are sweet only. Few women want the heartache or control issues or entanglements that may hurt them. They may prefer a pet/being isolation since in public may not feel good seeing others being happy. It is less painful to be alone so many stay alone. Most divorced people I know are alone.
I don't know about people around you, but among the ones I have around, married people are those who flirt more, especially men. I'm a single lady and I don't flirt with anyone, but married men are those who hit on me, even if they aren't actually interested and they do it more often than the single ones.
@@capricornsun85 The wives assume a single person is flirting. I talk to all people which doesn't mean anything . Just talking. Relationships are missing friendship maybe that holds them together better than lust.
I appreciate you so much for your teaching! What we're going through is so difficult at times. I'm giving myself a year before I even start dating after this 26 year marriage to a narcissist
Give yourself as much time as you need. If you’re still acting the part of a narcissist’s partner, you’ll only attract another narcissist and probably gonna embarrass yourself. You heal yourself prior to even thinking of coupling up with somebody else. Check out conscious uncoupling for help.
My massive life-changing, irreversible mistakes were not listening when people told me by their behavior who they were, and interpreting their bad behavior as somehow my fault, instead of heeding my gut.
The 6th minute, the reason I trust this amazing soul! and from 9:25... "create bonds in a safe, slow, careful, boundried way...OVER TIME ! powerful ! if we all did this, relationships would definitely feel better... I can't thank you enough Richard!
Came right on time… 💛 started dating a guy where the feelings are reciprocated and it’s been very challenging for me. I usually date guys who I’m either not super into or who aren’t super into me so that I never have to go deep. Never have to be affected or hurt because nothing ever really comes of it. Seeing someone regularly and speaking of a relationship… terrifying. I’ve identified with being single for so long I have “lone wolf” tatted across my knuckles
We are breaking generational trauma. I am on my journey, lots of work to still do but I am finding my authentic self bc of Richard. Genuinely Richard saved my life 🙏🏻
This is a great topic! One other topic o would like to hear him focus on more is narcissistic and sociopathic abuse from parents rather than romantic partners.
In some of his past videos he focused on this too. There is a lot of content he put on RU-vid for free in the past few years and if you search through older videos you can find the subject being talked about, even in detail sometimes. I don't think this video will focus exclusively on narcissism, I think he will talk about loneliness and boundaries. Can't wait for us to move to other subjects rather than toxic relationships. I'm deeply grateful he made recent videos on perfectionism after asking a question on Ig. It's going to feel liberating to watch them soon. I'm also grateful I find new ways to get to know myself better through this content, getting out of my comfort zone, even if that means seeing my own narcissistic traits that belong to me to a degree. After acknowledging them I can control what I can leave behind and grow better from that. It's natural to swing back to this topic because it's a part of our lives but it's true, the old focus on narcissism dissipated this past year.
@@cross-eyedmary6619 Complaining? I didn't felt like that was coming from your comment. I actually wanted to say he's also had this problem with one of his parents but I felt it was inappropriate to say that since it's not my story to tell but now I realize you might already know about this if you watched him in the past 8 years. I actually went and see what older content might help with your question and realized he deleted a lot of his old content or it was privated. What I wanted to say by that long comment of mine was that it helped me more to focus on myself with the help of so many good videos I found here rather than trying to understand others so much, hope there was nothing in both my comments that you could take personally. Those were more like personal observations rather than anything else.
@@oanaalexia Yes, I do remember hearing about his personal upbringing etc more in years past. I remember him talking about the theory of what happens when we are raised in certain situations, but I don't remember very many in depth videos on the various issues that arise when this has been your family of origin your whole life etc. Thanks for clarifying.
Everything you say is very true. It's an unpleasant truth. Most of us are messed up from some kind of trauma and so much of it spreads. Many of us want what we don't even know how to give. When we give it, we sometimes get taken advantage of or get burnt out. It's those rare relationships where both people are committed to making it work, even though it isn't always perfect, that are the closest we can ever get to perfection. It takes work, commitment, and empathy from both sides.
A lot of brilliant content, Richard. Finding someone qualified to even be friends with is a challenge. Most people I meet have deep pain and all the issues you talk about. At 64, after 3 bad relationships with very damaged men I am 4 years clean. LOL I have just focused on healing myself and I no longer have the urge to 'couple up'. I moved 2 years ago and am very slowly getting to know my neighbors while developing strong boundaries. I have learned to really listen to what people say and I can quickly tell who to keep at a distance. The poor Me's and the blamers don't get a second chance because experience has taught me that they will use you and never change or accept responsibility for anything. I have also met many people who objectify potential partners, talking about them as though they are a commodity and not giving the other person any humanity, like if they want them, they will get them. The other person has no choice, isn't that terrible? Isn't a relationship a two-way street? I have met men that speak about women like they are meat, especially at the gym, only focused on what they look like. SMH it's very sad. I have lived in a few different countries, and it seems to be the same everywhere although California was really bad, and Las Vegas is second worst on my list for messed up people. I have followed you for about 3 years now and taken some of your courses and you have helped me more than I can say, and I thank you deeply for that.
Sensible answer. I have spent almost five decades healing the broken pieces and am NOW approaching a time in my life where I feel grounded and secure enough within myself to attract intimacy. Not to take hope away from anybody but it really is a long process and it takes an incredible amount of work and dedication ❤
Wow I’m so overwhelmed with emotion right now. It was like you were telling my story, but unfortunately I know so many have the same. My dad was a depressed, angry alcoholic. I vividly remember knocking on his locked bedroom door most nights and being told to go away. And the time I asked him to teach me guitar because he’s a musician & he told me no, he was too busy. My mom didn’t deny me but I didn’t go to her for love as much as my dad for some reason. And he always denied me. You said it so well - avoid pain avoid intimacy like the fucking plague .. But I have hope that things can change watching this video
I feel your pain! My dad left and was in and out with repeated abandonment. The lack of love and intimacy from and with him have left a deep pain in my innocent little girl heart. We are healing 🤍🤗
In essence, your saying, learn how to love yourself well (boundaries, self reflection, self care,etc.) first then take the small steps to draw others into that love that you have established for yourself. Great video/message Brother! 🤟❤️
I loved your answer.. so caring and loving 🥰 Thanks for all you and your team do.) 😘 Ps.. we need a billion more like you.. And I like to think every heartbreak and pain is leading more & more to learn &heal themselves, then help others as you do. 😅 Thx again .)
Everyone wants something different for herself/himself. I was forced into independence and to cope w/ loneliness (from neglect too) very early. As an adult, now its my choice to cultivate and enjoy peace and solitude. I don't know how to really relate to ppl anymore other than just meet them where they+i are in life. It would take a lot of time for me to form meaningful attachment to a someone and i'd rather have all that time to put it into myself+spiritual/metaphysical studies+self care. I wonder the question frequently, how much of relationship is culturally appropriated(manufactured) vs what is necessary and/or beneficial ? The last three years has destroyed all manner of relationship and for some, for at least one generation and irreparable. I have absolute quality of life as a single person (in 50's) and i'm not s selfish introvert. I'm generous when i meet people. I don't judge. Everyone is interesting to me. Know thyself still holds water as a phrase and philosophy for the ages. I want to become as ancient as the sages of old. And impart the serenity and prosperity that i feel, and radiate it to all. I am alone and don't feel a need to be in a "relationship".
Pretty much took the words out of my head about myself. But I still long for passion and comfort. I have so much love to give but every time I thought I had it right, it ended up worse than the last. So I’ve kind of given up I guess. I don’t even know why I continue watching these videos. There’s literally nothing left to learn. I guess it’s the camaraderie. It’s comforting.
Same here - 46. Had the kids, did the thing sadly it was with a narc. But I’ve been single the last 10 years and I love my alone time. I like quiet. I like learning. My mind is a sponge for truth in this world. I find single people very strong. I find relationships weak. I don’t have any family either so if I need help, I have to rely on myself. Sick- myself. Scared- myself. It’s a super power.
@@Somebodysomewheresometime Same. 45. living the single life really has become a super power even though we still long for someone. We have definitely learned how to shut that switch off and keep forging ahead. It really is beginning to seem like it’s all I have ever known. And I’m really good at it.
Hi Lisa. I think there is a lot of pressure out there esp for women/gals to marry, or at least take up a boyfriend and be a part of a couple rather than a single. Even into my 50's my mom was still harassing me to "meet" someone, be w/ a someone.. Your use of the word passion and your expression about all the love you have to share... i know this sounds trite and that's not how its done, but all that love you feel is meant for you. Recycle that love back to yourself. Really be at one w that feeling of passion+love. You don't have to give it away. Whatever messages your heart is giving you, i truly believe is meant for you, not someone else. I wish you great happiness and the feeling of calm serenity in life. 🙂
Absolute excellent answer! Precise, systematic and spot on, on all levels. On a personal level as well as on a wider cultural level! Whoever asked that question just got a masterful answer that you wouldn't get from many therapists out there..
Somehow I manage slowly overtime not to take other people's personality disorders personally.People usually can't convince me they would like themselves for friends. Love you,Gran.
It takes constant work on yourself sometimes you take 2 steps back then 3steps forward then back again it’s reminding yourself everyday your worth being loved by yourself learn to be happy with who you are is the first step do things that make you happy ❤
I went the other way I was always looking outside for love as I never had that from my parents but I attached to the wrong people and I think that’s why I felt better being single because I know where I am with myself ❤
Just keep healing your wounds, collecting your streghts, figuring out and expressing your authenticity, live in the here and now and you will meet someone interested in you, who you will find comfortable enough, safe enough, able to accept you as you are, able to care and love enough, then - go for it - there are lessons to be learnt, experiences to be gained. But guys do it with humility, respect, care for both of you, don't expect anyone to be perfect and definitely put your game plan away... as both of you would have some wounds that need loving and healing attention, nurturing, supporting - just be sensitive to those parts, listen and be there for yourself and the other. You can't expect to be truly & deeply loved if you are withholding your own love. Intimacy works both ways, it's not a one way street, in which we expect that perfect check list creature to woo us for the rest of our lives... put your timings away too, we can always grow, but we hope that we can grow with the same partner old together, it's a great blessing when that happens, but we can still practice loving anyway. Good luck! 🍀 I dare you think it's possible, but isn't easy... maybe that's the interesting and intriguing puzzle in life we all need to take part of.
How did our grandparents generation and those before them , manage to find like minded partners to create lasting relationships? I know expectations (and morals) were different then ...get married early, have a family , work and die. But it seems that even after the tough times passed, the 2 people within the marriage, came back together in their golden years, within an intimacy, that in some cases, was brand new. There were trips to casinos and grandkids at Christmas, first time cruises and more to round out their senior years. Have we, as humans, really devolved so severely, that the kind, loving, loyal among us are almost as nonexistent as 50 yr marriages?
I should imagine our ancestors had to stick with their partners, just because they didn't have contraceptions and ended up with a few kids in their mid 20ies with only one bread winner in the house for a long time, so survival was a priority as well as social acceptance. A woman left her husband with children, no matter how abusive he might had been, will not have almost any chance with another bread winner. She'd be happy if she'd be able to go to church and socialize with others under similar circumstances. Not to mention that the parents of this woman might not only shame her for leaving the father of her kids, but they would disown their daughters publicly as well, for bringing shame into the family. Even widows were having very little luck... Another thing was the housing problem, women weren't owning properties a few decades ago. Something that nowadays has relaxed a lot more, as well as women can work whatever they want to and earn as much as they want to and even having savings. But long term relationships are not the same as happy and loving relationships. After all the multigenerational trauma had started before even them and just many of them had to stuff it and carry on unfortunately. They were suppressed by lack of resources, knowledge, options and simply family or any other support in them days... Keep in mind that the definition of a successful woman in them days used to be a married woman with kids... imagine what the unmarried ones went through... So who knows, this just could be our nature when we're given everything to be able to afford to make any choice we want, including shopping for a partner, who may live in the other end of the world at a click of a button, any age, any ethnicity, any financial bracket you are fancy...
@@doradestroy I think the reality you're referring to is just wrong. You can look at marriage statistics, and see for yourself that those that married after World War II, had deeper commitments and higher moral standards, and we currently do. End it wasn't really idealizing, it was experience
Came to the same conclusion that boundaries and values are pretty much the only safeguards you can learn to set and enforce that will help the right person stick around. Knowing that, of course I'll respect someone else's boundaries because I know why they do it, but I can't do it for myself. Really hoped there would be a simple answer to a hard question, but of course, it doesn't work like that. I'd like if there were a textbook - Man says this: I say that = we understand each other. But, I think this is just the easy way for learning to trust somebody that you are safe with and you create emotional safety for each other. There just isn't a drive-through or ATM version of this like you said, It's hard work, commitment, self-reflection and humility.
I really hope that you will also get into a healthy relationship Richard, if you are not. You deserve it because you have already done so much for other people out here. Thanks
Hi Richard Grannon , absolutely right! " There is no perfection in relashionships of any strength to overcome comes from whittin, Love, Respect and loyalty to myself and others until they prove otherwise. One can trust oneself TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT SAFELY! "IF THEY TELL YOU THEY are SHIT BELIEVE THEM" so true! Loved it 😍 and learned so much with your videos since 2020 I give 👍 more then I comment. Thanks
A dear friend once told me when going to them with some complaints~"It's not allll about you" Stung so hard at first but they were so right~We are all perfectly imperfect 💛Keeping healthy boundaries coupled with a love for others cushens the blow when the imperfect part happens~
No joke. Most people out there are too Immature, too selfish and too entitled It’s definitely a mine field. You can lose body parts, important organs or worse, your life, if you’re not careful where you step.
"piss-poor analyzing"...first time hearing such a relevant & highly intelligent expression & words of observation-concluding the evident...really! Thank you! That was very enlightening!
Glad you discussed this topic. There are literally millions of us out here with this circumstance and fear...even when it feels like we are the misfit. I agree with all Richard said but would also HIGHLY recommend Brainspotting with a certified trauma therapist. Has helped me tremendously and I just wanted to share with this community. Also, great healing work by doing inner child healing. Being solid in your self-love before going out dating will help a lot!! PS recommend reading books by Susan Anderson. Good luck out there beautiful people! ❤
Pain has always been my teacher from early childhood… self sufficient & using the phrase F off to those who are toxic … learning to forgive yourself for what you didn’t know until you learnt it 🙏❤️
I love your very honest and realistic answer to this question. Also funny but true and the harsh reality “…if they tell you they are a piece of shit, you should listen.”
11:11 maybe a more balanced way to say this is not: “most people are not qualified for love”, but to say: “most people are not qualified for love YET”. The point is these things can be learnt. It works both ways with both people. But this is great work… learning the vulnerable parts of oneself and healing them is excellent work…
It’s hard to balance a determination of ‘not settling’ with ‘compromise’…in a relationship you feel is worth it, there has to be some compromise surely, rigidity isn’t growth, growth and change in a relationship is inevitable surely… if you love respect and honour each other those should be a given. Im not suggesting a stalwart approach is at all costs, but it has to be a mix of giving your all, (in both parties) and growth and change to be welcomed not held back. …trust in this is something you both have to have and accept to a degree, believing and knowing honest to goodness, good intent is at the forefront has to be the key factor.
Be Still! Go With In! Inhale Deeply! Exhale Completely! Your Truth, Joy, Love, Peace You Will Find! Have to say THANK YOU it's You That have the the courage to leave a bad relationship. Again THANK YOU
Thank you so much for answering this question Richard. You’ve described steps I’ve taken over the years in such a simple way. I felt like I’ve been groping forward in semi-darkness so this adds clarity. I especially like the emphasis on “is this a safe, qualified person?” Such a simple summary of the relationship with the npd and its hazards. Many thanks!
As a woman with CPTSD from childhood abuse, I used to engage in very unhealthy relationships. I have stopped doing that by not ignoring red flags, but still haven't been able to establish a romantic relationship in over a decade. At first it was better, but I do miss that intimacy and making love (which is different than just sex). I even have a hard time articulating what I'm looking for in a partner because it's all about personality and stability for me now.
I can't be bothered, I've been single for so long now and it's too difficult. I was neglected as a child and have never been able to maintain intimacy without going into panic mode or shutting down.
It's time for this. I've been really interested in how our emotional body and it's frequency attracts like frequency. I've been practicing different ways to raise my own frequency, emotionally, physically, mentally, environmentally. There's the law of attraction too. If you hold a belief that things are a certain way it's almost a declaration of the outcome you're going to get. You have to set an intention and ruminate, meditate on the outcome you want to see. Of course without being delusional and unrealistic. I'm looking at everything because I've been alone so long. I'm pretty much an expert on the different types of narcissists out there, malignant, fragile, covert, glamor narcissists. It's like when you buy a new car and you see that model everywhere. I have to ask myself if I'm surrounded by narcissists, am I a narcissist? Am I the one that's attracting this frequency because I resonate with that frequency? Oh shit
You've pretty much summarised my thoughts too. I think our deep unconscious feequency attracts abusers who are on the same level of frequency. I just, for the life of me, can't yet understand why.
If you’re questioning whether you are the narcissist then you’re definitely not the narcissist. They don’t question themselves. Narcissists are always right and everyone else is wrong.
Dear Richard, thanks so much for saying the brutal truth about nowadays. To experience a save loving relationship is really a lot of self reflection and humility and not everybody, really the majority is not capable of being in a loving intimate relationship. Period! A lot, i mean a ton of people need to hear that! Love is a skill. Fuking learn it or leave relationship alone.
Even though I didn't suffer childhood abuse, and, mercifully, haven't had to deal with narcissistic behavior, I find these video clips fascinating & enlightening! The information offered is helpful in a general way, and in dealing with a number of injured souls in my environment. Thank you!
Thank you for this video. After many years alone, much to my surprise, I find myself exploring the possibility of a relationship. I will heed your advice.
Hi Richard,I hope you are well. I’m soo glad that you have made this video because I feel that it’s EXACTLY what I’ve been experiencing my whole life because of traumatic experiences. Thank you for this video It is indeed very helpful.
Took a year and a half for me. But this process is slow. Going through layer upon layer where everything comes from. A long inner painful journey. But starting to see the light far away. But this will be a job for life.❤️
Thank you Richard, you are direct and honest which is why I like your videos. I can't imagine what you must have gone through to bring this kind of insight to so many of us. At age 53 I still have work to do, grieving is one aspect that I need to work on and that no one else has mentioned before. EMDR therapy helped me uncover past trauma that I needed to understand to start healing. Thanks again for taking time to help others find their way in this deprived culture that we are living and trying to survive in.
Learn to integrate your shadow accept the darkness aswell as the light. That requires going into situations that trigger the dark feelings but sit with them accept them fully. We can't deny our vulnerability by keeping safe
Very insightful thoughts and it aligns with what I have found to be the case. I have learned to find contentment in many other things and as this takes much time and energy I don’t have time to miss the other. My life is actually larger and more interesting.
Nailed it Richard. I love listening to you talk. I spent s lot of time pushing my father away because he was drunk and an ass. You make too much sense. My brother molested me for years. Thank you! You’re the best.
I’m gonna be real. It really is other people’s fault we are the way we are. So they have to embrace us if they want us to be vulnerable with them. Or else we’ll stay the hell away if they are not nice to us
Thank you someone said it! It’s not my fault ( I didn’tattracted: all the bad things happen to me especially as a Kid and teenager , like some some new age teachings say we attracted it, no I don’t think so.
Thank you Richard , in that 10 minute segment you helped me to understand more clearly why I have issues forming meaning relationships and I thank you for that. I have a whole lifetime of neural pain pathways to unblock mainly due to my being formerly surrounded by a family of narcissists who want me destroyed. Whist attending tp my housey housey chores today I am gonna binge listen to your channel K.
This was a brilliant video. I just want to emphasize, as a coach that works with people with trauma, the importance of working on and healing nervous system dysregulation and learning skills around that. It is a very important missing part of most therapy and counseling.!
Thankyou for putting it into words Richard. You made me feel like how my subconscious brain has been steering my interactions is not insane, it’s logical but no longer needed (or warped). I have sought help from psychologists before but with limited success. I now have the language to describe what I’ve been through and how my psyche has developed in response. I appreciate the responsibility shown towards our fragility in the way you discussed overcoming it to forge healthy relationships by stressing that care should be taken. I wonder whether people who’ve been through these experiences would (potentially) make good partnerships (with each other)? I’m a member of a Facebook group for children of abusive parents. Many of the members have described horrific abuse but they’re in relationships now. This made me feel like a coward. Your video and understanding of how I see the world made me feel seen.
Finally, someone teaches that it is a hard and sometimes long process. We weren’t abused In a day, we can’t heal in a day, no matter how innocent or intelligent we are. It is called COMPLEX trauma for a reason. It is pervasive in our world view, it cannot be otherwise. We must embrace our baby steps, our small victories, even our defeats. Moving forward with the next right thing, trusting in the better day, is the only realistic path.
Much depends on the relationship. I'm ok in a relationship so long as we do not live in each others pockets. I don't mean in our own homes. I mean in different countries, preferably with an ocean and a few thousand air miles in between.
Ones attachment style is how we attach to everything - people, things, ideas, etc… This person sounds like an extreme case of a form of an avoidant attachment style, which of course turned due to trauma, like all non-secure attachment styles, and Dr. Thais Gibson has amazing videos about healing this, and how to make intimacy feel more safe, and be able to do it properly, safely, and successfully.
I believe I'm in that rigidly independent category. And at the age of 40 I don't see that changing or want it too. As you said Richard these behaviours are learned early in life and are very hard to break
I have the opposite problem. I am like a street dog. Whoever shares his sandwich with me I follow trustingly. I got hit so many times I can't count. Still desperately clinging to anybody who shows me just a little bit of affection. In search of a meaningful and deep connection I am longing so much. I put down every guard, have almost no boundaries, showing my vulnerability to strangers. And then I suffer so deeply when being abandoned, neclected, used and discarded again. I just don't seem to get it how to protect myself. Bleeding into a sea of sharks.
I hear you Sabina, it is hard not to go for love bombing, after you've been starved of affection..., I understand your pain and your wounds...please heal them and that will help you to make a difference between someone, who is putting on an act, just to get what he wants vs someone, who really wants to get to know you, accepts you as you are, makes you feel safe around him and is able to love you genuinely with your quirkiness. Someone who appreciate you - not someone who puts you on a pedestal & tells you that he adores you (it's all too grandiose - exactly what narcissists do) as later on he'll only knock you off from it... I know it's not easy, but it's doable. If someone wants you to believe that you are special, as nice as it sounds, is a red flag. If someone wants you to think that you are perfect or you two are perfect together ... think again - perfectionism isn't part of reality and genuine love. But if you meet someone, who has a lot of time for you and cares about your feelings, comes accross as supportive person - is worth paying attention to. These are skills that we develop as a part of having a functional radar for people. It takes time, but it's well worthed mending your radar. Keep searching for the right help. Keep learning and getting to know yourself...
Word! Also start listening to Jordan Peterson's Biblical series on RU-vid. It will help you to understand the light side and the shadow side of your own personality and how you interpret others based on your own unwilling programming that was injected into you as a child. I would compare it to peeling the layers of a rotten onion, but it will benefit you in the long run! Also obviously listen to Richard's vids, Sam Vaknin, Joe Dispenza, Kyle Cease.
If you want to get invited to stuff without feeling like a 3rd wheel, learn some skills that are beneficial to a group. Cooking/baking, knowledge of different indoor and outdoor games, etc. Offer to organize or supply something fun, especially if the other couples have kids. Or bring something to work on that you can teach other people about. It's just as difficult if you're the one inviting a single person to a gathering and you have a partner, because you don't want your guest to feel uncomfortable.
This made a lot of sense. As a survivor of childhood abuse, I definitely avoid intimacy but when I DO seek it out, my choice of partner will almost always reaffirm or validate my internal belief that intimacy = pain. I have been in therapy for almost 2 years now and I started with EMDR therapy but I just wasn't ready for that. It took months, almost a year, to be able to open up about the abuse I went through without getting triggered and feeling as if I were reexperiencing whatever I was trying to talk about. At 47 years of age, my emotional maturity is much much younger and I finally understand at least a little about why I act the way that I do and have been able to start sort of re-parenting myself. I also realized that I must commit myself to this journey and it's not going to be easy or quick. But I have to believe it's worth the effort.
