Gaslighting and Reactive Abuse 

2020. Quit my 300k job, started my own business, divorced my covert narcissist ex-wife, rebuilt the relationships with my kids, friends and family. The greatest year of my life 🥰🥰🥰😊😊😊

If you don’t like something, take away it’s only power. Your attention.

Abusive people are so manipulative! They need to get a reaction from you to make you be the unstable one, when actually they are unstable. They feel so bad about themselves, they are broken, and in order to feel better they need to control you by baiting you to react to their defense mechanisms. Then you become the bad guy and that gives them the control, and frees them from the fear and insecurities they have and can't control. Behavior like that screws with your mind, and eventually your relationship with them. Thanks Stephanie for your insight and help.See you next week. Be well.

“They are banking on you to react” truer words have never been spoken. Don’t continue to give them what they want.

Remember to breathe and maintain your own calm and steady frame of mind Confidence is quiet, insecuties are loud

My current boyfriend gets me to react to his abuse and gaslighting and then records me while I react. He’s a nut job

Navigating dealing with the narc is exhausting

For me, my reactivity always follows being gaslit. Because I have experienced gaslighting throughout my life from my close family and certain relationships. If someone basically denies my reality and doesn’t take any accountability for their role in something after I have, I go into fight or flight and I sometimes don’t act the way I would like to. It becomes more about me trying to establish that I’m right Vs being empathetic.

I’m still struggling after months of reactive abuse ... still feeling like, I shouldn’t have reacted. Should have sucked it all up in and left, but I couldn’t. Was gaslighted, badly.

This is how i am with my parents. Sometimes i can be reactive when im belittled and yelled at. It took me 24 years to realize that im not crazy or insane, my parents were emotionally abusive and unsupportive of me. Thank you for this video Stephanie. Im distancing myself from them emotionally and trying to save enough money to move out.

You just taught me how to deal with my husband right now.

I have done reactive abuse and have felt terrible and guilty about it for a while now. Thank you for this video. I was appalled at my behavior and this helps me to forgive myself.

Abuser PROVOKES the subject, using a host of subtle and perhaps covert tactics. The unitiated subject usually has no idea (until the repetitive cycle becomes obvious) what is going on and is like a bull in a ring, being stabbed and spiked by the circling matador. The bull knows nothing but to eventually charge the source of pain. When the matador is gored, the crowd sympathises...

Reactive abuse is a huge problem I have because of CPTSD; I've been in therapy for two years and YOU CAN GET BETTER. you can become less reactive through introspection and learning healthy coping strategies

I caught myself recognizing these toxic people and I’m practicing not to mirror them emotionally, but by labeling it as “reactive abuse” I feel better because now I know that the abuser wants me to think I’m the problem when I’m not, even if they don’t realize that they’re being abusive... thanks for the video 🙏🙏

Not recognizing yourself in these reactions is the red flag for me. I just ended a 2 year relationship of broken promises and gaslighting. I reacted and we broke up. He called me crazy, I wasn't crazy. I was being emotionally controlled, manipulated, and abused. I had a similar relationship with my parents and cut them off years ago. I recognized about 2 months into the relationship when my feeling and conversations were ignored, but I was determined to make the relationship work. I tried talking about things that bothered me, but it ws always a dead end. I had so much anxiety I wanted to crawl into a ball and die. I'm working through this and this video helps. Thank you!

I have found that not taking things personally is a huge golden nugget. I have learned the way people act the way they do is because they are not healthy. Creating a bubble is so important. I stopped engaging with my ex when I became healthier and could see he had a lot of childhood baggage. He just repeated the patterns of behaviour he grew up with. Gosh, it was so toxic yet I stayed longer than I needed to. I wasn’t getting much in return but abuse and control. When I finally reached an emotional pain threshold I cut myself free. ☮️ and ❤️ to everyone who has managed to do the same. Just breathe now...

I have learned how to really slow myself down in order to stay in control of my emotions. Abusers really do crumble when you stay in your own lane of being grounded, calm and collected. Ultimately your energy is so much higher than theirs that they no longer feel comfortable being around you.

"Disengage and do things the right way..." THANK YOU!!!!!!!

I think the hardest thing is when your husband thinks all these lies about you and tells you constantly. It hurts so bad and it makes you start to believe it. He literally went at me all night until I finally broke and cried and admitted I'm at fault.

Okay this is wild! I never knew that they were finding "proof" and actually justifying their own abuse - that they started. Thanks for this!

OMG that describes the lay 8 months of my marriage and him blaming me for leaving. You described it to a tee. He was cheating and nearly 2 yrs gone still won’t take ownership.

It hurts when they talk to all family. He has his audience. I am all alone. It seems as though, as most people automatically do this: The first person who they hear from first, they tend to agree with them. I don't gossip. No body has EVER asked me about anything, of what has been said. It has caused my physical health to deteriorate.

I didn't realise I was being gaslight at work until my coworker pointed it out to me. For a minute I thought I was the problem but learned that we have an abusive manager at work. Instead of approaching me to resolving problems, she bad mouths about me to everyone. Best thing my boss did was remove me from a negative position to keep me in a good mental state. Can't wait to move out of this toxic environment. Thank you for explaining this!

Survival! Protective reaction. Protecting my mental safety for decades. The abuse turned me into someone I did not like at all. I went very little to no contact, 6 months now, in order to build those emotional response muscles. It's so difficult, and I am learning.

You are right, being aware and having the right tools makes life easier. No one deserves the evil and dysfunction of others.

She is so cool, calm, and collected.

This helped Stephanie. I am beating myself up over reacting badly like a child to a person that gives me bare minimum. When I throw a fit he gives me silent treatment which makes me feel terribly anxious and sad.

Angry voicemails, text, etc. are often pinned as the behavior of an “abuser” because its considered abusive behavior. However, I have lived and witnessed enough abusive relationships to know that actual abusers (these days) know not to leave an electronic trail most of the time. If someone gets an angry message or wall of text, I am more suspicious of the receiver than the sender…

I call reactive abuse "Poking the Bear" and my ex often did it when I was either tired or drank a little too much, such a sinister jerk, did it when I was at my weakest point and couldn't defend myself, evil.

I learned this too late. HOW can I explain this to my adult kids ? They are ONLY reminded of my reactions and NEVER what got me there

Learning emotional regulation definitely helps with taking control of your emotions and to be able to respond and not react.

...true.. when one is not healthy and whole, and is not happy, it's not very difficult to lose one's control over simple differences..

When you naturally react to being mistreated and they use it against you as a new problem to blame you for

I didn't know there was a term for this. OMG! Crying. My ex was a drug addict. He would lie and gaslight and I would get furious, screaming and yelling. He would then say, "see? This is why I have to lie to you all the time" He ended up beating me up and I got a restraining order and never spoke to him again but I couldn't help thinking it was my fault. It kind of was, to a certain degree. But 12 years of gaslighting and lying really does damage. It was a co-worker who told me his behavior had nothing to do with me. Totally freeing!!!! I am happily single but I have not stopped revisiting and educating myself to be able to identify this toxic behavior, not only from others, but myself as well.

They DECIDE when the abuse started USUALLY according to them the abuse started at exactly the first time you reacted negatively to their disrespect and manipulation.

I'm a victim and survivor of domestic violence, and I thought I was pregnant twice from it but thankfully I did not end up pregnant from everything, if I did end up pregnant from everything there would of been no way out of the situation, I was also homeless because being homeless was only way to get out of the situation, aside from that I have a rare syndrome called 22q11.2 Deletion Syndrome, and I also have PTSD and BPD to. I almost died from everything... I think this video is true, "don't take things personally" is the best life lesson a person could learn Thanks for posting your video, is good to have reminders like this once In awhile.

You nailed it when you said you can't change until you know you have a problem. Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and admitting that your reaction was unacceptable and then taking appropriate action to learn how to regulate and communicate in a calm and clear manner.

Going no contact felt impossible at first but I know the only reason why I've made the progress I've made is because I'm not on the emotional rollercoaster that comes with any and all contact with my ex. I ALWAYS reacted, no matter how hard I tried to avoid it. It's crazy that I didn't even realize how toxic that relationship was until after the discard but I'm so very grateful for all the information and education I've found in your videos. I didn't think I would ever be able to heal but it is possible if you do the work. I've never been more self aware and so very proud of myself than I am now. Thank You for doing what you do by sharing all this information that should be taught in schools.

You can’t fix toxic personalities. Only AVOID them at all costs!!!!!

This is exactly what I suffered through. I would always throw that term out there, “reactionary “ not even knowing this is an actual thing

You explain this so well. It’s so difficult to see our response is just inflating things and allows justification to the abusers remarks. It takes tremendous self control to slow down and not react. By the way the goosebumps are an indication of speaking from a higher truth. Your teaching is so needed.

Thank you for goving a name to this. This is literally what has allowed me to become the scapegoat of the Narcs in my life.

Thank you. you described my relationship with my mother I was the scapegoat,this tipe of relationship has affected my whole life,now I 'm starting to heal from that upbringing,by the way I'm 55 ; )

This information is very helpful! For the longest time I felt like I was the sole cause of the issues because of how I was reacting to the subtle forms of abuse and manipulation.

Wow, you just explained my 21 year marriage in about three minutes. I was the reactionary abuser.

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. Years of emotional abuse and when I reacted badly I WAS THE ABUSER! Jacked up my mind!

This video was so helpful and insightful. The hardest thing for me, is to stay positive when the other person is throwing shade. It takes an enormous amount of self-discipline to hold one’s tongue, or not to even have an internal reaction. Still working on it, though.

He does not show this side of him to others. I am his adopted sister. But, I am 11 years older. HE IS THE FAVORITE

This was an eye opener for me. Having years of terminology knowledge on dealing with narcissistic or toxic people, reactive abuse is a new one. I dont mind hearing where I can improve because thats always been the goal. So much to put in practice and honestly I feel so... annoyed I guess that I even have to deal with people like this at all. I'd rather just walk away because I have no need to resolve anything with anyone who treats me this way.

Wife of 23 years started this shit 3 years ago. I’m glad videos like this exist

Omg!! The NEX just hoovered me and I gave in (after a few of his attempts) and THIS reactive abuse is how the three-day convo ended. And of course I'm so "dramatic and crazy". Ugh. I definitely HATE how they make you act SO out of character. THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. Back to No Contact!!

I literally just went through this EXACT situation. Exactly. Thank you for framing it so well.

I wish I’d known this about 20 years ago. I still don’t understand the why though. I could write an epic on everything not to do. 😕

Actually my Aunt said this to me once about my family and she is right, it is true. Her advice was not to get so upset about what they are saying because the moment you do, and you say something because you're so upset then they can turn things around on you and I was glad that she said that, because I feel I can really talk to her about how I feel, she will try to relate, I don't think she's always felt heard though maybe that's what we share in common

Thank you for explaining this in way that enabled me to move into acceptance and beyond guilt. That guilt seemingly keeps getting me sucked back into chaos, trying to prove, explain, justify, defend and ultimately apologizing for my " crazy outrageous childish behavior" of screaming and yelling regardless of what was said or done repeatedly to provoke it. Unfortunately when I became of aware of the patterns and what was going on instead of accepting it as that persons issue, not mine....I did become increasing enraged as I started identifying what was going on while it was actually happening.. and could give the insidious emotional abuse a name and identify the tactics and cycles. I exploded until it was cleared from my life. Not only do I feel guilty and ashamed for acting in such a way, but also feel stupid for letting myself continue with someone to that level and for so long. I find these videos' helpful in making sense of what went on and why, and I truly appreciate them. All of them.

This is blowing my mind. Realizing I need to heal way more than I thought, but I'm ready to take those steps. Ugh. Thank you.

Thank you, Stephanie! Great information! I was manipulated before and this sheds so much light on what I went through.

This is the best explanation of reaction abuse that I have seen. Even though society should hold them accountable they won’t take personal responsibility for themselves. This is the mark of a narcissist. So we need to understand that. Also, you were the first person who explained the difference between a reaction and a response. In addition, you didn’t say to leave permanently. Just leave the situation long enough to collect your thoughts and calm down.

Yep I definitely have reactive abuse. I go silent, I broke his tv, I broke his watch, I walk away… it stinks because I feel it’s justified 😢 But I have to be better.

I have had some great counselling about this exact problem. I have struggled with reactive abuse for decades. Thank you so much for this.

Always on point missy!! Thank you Jesus...Oct.5th, 2020....17 yrs done!!! Thanks...strength from God....YOU ARE AWESOME SAUCE!! 😘

Your videos have helped me learn not only about how to react to others, but also self awareness that has helped me lower my defensive wall and become stronger by actually dealing with my own issues to avoid the people I've attracted and kept around in the past. Thanks! I also saw your insta post, Happy 40th!

I've learned so many people will do whatever they ask,your support system whatever, if they don't want you to have something that will help you,they will ask the person in control of that to be obedient to them,everyone listens to what they want. going through coercive control

That's what I needed to hear. I just "woke up". I admire the way you talk and analyse the situation. It all make sense to me! Kisses from GREECE!

Well, they blamed me that I can’t control my emotions, when I reacted to them. Now even they ignored the parenting agreement, I stop reacting to them. Understanding them as vampires, not human being made me stop reacting them. They don’t understand how harmful to my daughter keep away from her father 2 months. They do it to satisfied their empty hurt.

Well I'm definitely guilty of reactive. Whats interesting I work in retail and I deal with people all the time who are trying to manipulate to get discounts or items marked down I've even dealt with people cussing me and I maintain my cool. but in the family unit between my ex-wife and my stepdaughter it was next to Impossible to stay out of the reactive in retail the encounter only took maybe five minutes but at home it was hours of berating and mouthing. Seemed the only option for me was to get out so after 20 wasted years I did.

I learned this term this year at the age of 26. I often experienced this dynamic of gaslighting and reactive abuse by my father as a kid. I remember him saying things under his breath quietly, bringing things up in public in a way that only I would know that he was being manipulative. Nobody else saw it, but in private he'd rant at me for hours. He'd quietly say something to get under my skin until finally I'd snap and scream, shout, sometimes lunge at him. And then he'd appear all calm, like he hadn't just purposefully set me off, and I was the crazy one. He'd say "you don't see anyone else doing that (my reactive behavior)"

The favorite thing that was said to me everytime i noticed I was about to become reactive & I tried to stop the conversation to calm the argument down & to re- center things, was “of course, there you go controlling the conversation, like always” in a very demeaning way.

This is a game changer!!!! 👏👏👏 I did this due to being just so tired of he’s unhealthy reactive and gaslighting behavior. It really surprised me how well my calm response worked! He actually apologized for he’s behavior. However, I have grown out of this relationship already. I can’t wait to find a healthy and balanced man by my side 😉 I am so grateful for your content! It really made me look at my situation in the most clear eyes and not romantic blurry eyes 😅 It took me 5 yr and a big financial loss. But, my sanity and well-being is priceless!

I've been accused of abuse by simply asking weather or not my partner can be trusted, after insinuating that I can't be trusted. "I can be trusted. Can you be trusted?" It was all down hill from there.

My ex would passive aggressively talk to the dog about me. 'Oh Mummy's crazy, she's mad, isn't she?'. When I lost it and shouted at him to stop, after calmly asking him to stop this behaviour on several separate occasions, he said I was the abusive one. He then used this against me for months.

When someone is yelling and screaming at you and you react, they're triggering your fight or flight switch in you if you can take a deep breath before you react (I know it feels unnatural the first few times you do it) but what that does it restores the balance of the flight or fight in you

Mine triggers every negative story that I share with him about my childhood. He manipulates everything to be a victim because my victimhood brings validity to him.

I really needed to see this today. I really wish I'd seen this 7 months ago.

this lady has open my eyes it funny how life works

I cried listening to this. I was pushed and pushed and pushed until i snapped. Then i was called the abuser. And i even didnt react harshly.

I tried to get myself out of the situation so I can just try to handle my own emotions then if I get quiet I'm called passive aggressive I'm trying not to make it worse by reacting and then I'm accused of attacking and I don't even have to say anything .

I was in an extremely toxic relationship three years ago. They did not take the time to process the trauma from their past relationships, which included cheating. They projected this onto me through out the whole relationship. Any time they would do so I would react physically. Their response to this was that I was abusive and that I needed to get help. Unfortunately I grew up in this exact situation with my sister so I started to believe that this was the case, and that I was truly the problem. I moved out to get away from this situation. I realized that it didn’t make sense to be taking this from someone I didn’t see a future with if I wouldn’t take it from my own blood. It took me about a year to see that leaving the situation was the best option. It took me a really long time to come to terms with the way I handled myself, and with the actions I took within these relationships. It made me realize how important mental health is. The only good thing that came from this experience is knowing when I see traits in people that add no value to my life I’ll be able to respond in a way that’ll positively impact me. I’ve been able to prioritize myself for the first time, and it’s been great. I will wrap this up by saying that I appreciate you taking time to share information like this, and for giving us tools to improve our mental health.

I am absolutely trapped in this situation, it’s become so bad that I’ve been to jail for 16 days because of this. I’m a marine corps veteran and I have absolutely embraced becoming reactive. And I don’t know how to stop it. When I try to leave she becomes physical, leaving is actually the exact situation that got me arrested. It was the worst moment of my life. And I feel completely trapped or addicted it’s horrible.

Great video! I went through extremely damaging reactive abuse in my most recent situationship. Until recently, the term was new to me. Now that I know about it hopefully I can avoid people who do this going forward. I feel like he was intentionally doing things to make me react unfavorably to make me feel like I was going insane. Then he could prove that I was the issue to his thuggie friends when in fact he was the reason we didn't work. No contact was the only way to start to restore the broken parts of me I lost while caught up in this toxic mess. I refuse to play his game anymore.

When the abuser is taking the child, our child, out of the home just because the abuser doesn't like to be challenged or have a challenging conversation...hard not to react poorly.

You speak from heart that’s why you get goosebumps 🌸

I had no idea this was a thing. I swear. My soon to be ex is notorious for this sort of behavior. He baits a fight then when I react, he tells everyone my reaction but not the entire story. "She was yelling and crying!" No one ever asks why they just assume I'm overly emotional which plays into him getting sympathy and money from people. I am so happy I am getting away from this toxic cycle. It's slowly killing me.

They want to make you responsible for their actions because if they are responsible for their actions that's like a mitting that they're wrong and we know that narcissists never want to look at their own problems they don't want to be defeated by their own self realization

These videos are so helpful. I have commented on here before: I was taken in by a phony who turned out to be an abusive narcissist and screw with my mind. He robbed me of years of possibly loving and trusting another person. i have finally accepted that I was in a "romantic aciident" where the other driver was abusive and it wasn't my fault. I am still working on the non-reactive part. The anger has been hard to manage but I'm getting better.

Thank you Stephanie...your videos have been my lifeline the past year..I am so grateful to you for this channel. You are seriously awesome.

I can’t tell you how helpful you are.Thankyou so much. I’m slowly learning to take my control back and becoming a calmer person and everything I’ve learned it’s from you so Thank youuu 💯💯❤️

Thank you for posting this video when I needed it the most.🙏

You explain these concepts so well. I’ve also been reading on same subjects you cover. Your explanations definitely make material easy to grasp.

Although in my most recent relationship, the abuse I received was not necessarily at the hands of a narcissistic person (more self-obsessed and selfish), the behaviour pattern was very similar. This has helped me understand that my reactive abuse is nothing to be ashamed of and was completely understandable given the awful things that were done to me. She would routinely highlight my behaviour as being a huge problem and in fact I'd spend most of my time trying to make up for my reactions to her initial rejections, betrayals and lies.

Thanks for explaining reactive abuse, I’ve never heard it that way ! and boy do I hate how I react ! It’s causing me even more trauma, from myself

So on point for my life right now. Thank you.

Avoiding reactive abuse is your ticket to health. If you’re in child custody conflict, this is ESPECIALLY important. First, your children need a healthy parent and it’s got to be you. Second, your healthy behaviors stand in contrast to your opponent’s toxic ones, and make it more likely a judge will see the difference.

thank you for insight! you are awesome!

I just discovered you yesterday! Thank you so much for your videos. You are so knowledgeable and I love your delivery. I think the goosebumps are because you genuinely care and you're compassionate.

Wait. Your reaction to abuse, even if it is completely wrong, does NOT justify the abuse.

That was amazing thank you so much 😁

You are amazing Stephanie.😘💕

You seriously just saved the day!