Having a Personality Disorder & Being Trans ( Reflecting On My Past Diagnosis ) 

I didn't get a true BPD diagnosis, but I showed enough symptoms at the time of evaluation to be allowed to join a DBT skills group (the requirement is no longer a thing, thankfully. Those skills are literal life savers). I do have a major depressive disorder diagnosis, and Bipolar 2. There's anxiety in there as well. I haven;t done an evaluation in about 10 years, so no clue where things sit now. But I feel a lot of my internal crud stems from my anatomy feeling wrong, having to deal with female fertility, and not being able to comfortably conform to feminine standards most of my life. I had to push down all that discomfort and couldn't process it. I didn't have the knowledge or language to name and process all this gender crud. I think shoving it all down has done me a disservice, because even now I can't really process the negative emotions I get from certain biological things. I still shove it down, pretend there's nothing wrong, go about my day, and in a week or two I explode into tears while I try to sleep. I do have a general therapist I talk to every other month, but she's clueless regarding gender things. I had a gender therapist, but I found myself unable to talk with them about the struggles I kept burying deep down, so I cancelled that. Deep closeting damaged me. :( But, coming out has given me a desire to live, and not just survive. I'm so eager to see where I'll go now, with this new life. And I'm sure I'll eventually learn to process my internal angst. I might even retake the DBT course soon, to refresh my skills and learn some of the newer content.

I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and BPD it’s been overwhelming for me this past year. I’ve been struggling with finding other people talking about being trans and also having mental disorders. So thank you for making this video!! It really helps me come to terms with my diagnoses and made me feel less alone in all of this!! I actually just saved this video to my playlist of “things I want to remember!” because you’ve said so much that I really don’t want to forget, because I can get into some really dark places in my head because of how overwhelming things can get sometimes and videos like this help me get out of that dark place. I really appreciate you putting your life out there to help others like myself, thank you!! 💚

Thank you for adressing this. I was also diagnosed with BPD before coming out, and I know of a handful other trans men who have had a similar experiance. After coming out and going on T doctors removed the BPD diagnosis and now I'm stuck with ADHD with a nice heavy sprinkle of anxiety, which seems much more accurate. I think in some ways going through your true puberty later in life seem to make a lot of us feel lost and much younger than our biological age which also affects some aspects of our mental maturity, being able to handle stress and every day life in general.

Hi! Thanks for talking about this. I too have bpd and ocd and im also struggling with my gender identity. Thank you so much for giving me hope:)

When I began being evaluated 2 years ago, they were saying I had a personality disorder because I don't respond to anything emotional and I have flat affect. But after 2 years, I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder, PTSD, and Aspergers (ASD).

...you are an inspiration! i really enjoy listening to all you have to share xoxo

DSM is just a manual, we know (or should) more about ourselves that any mental health professional, its a matter of self discovery. Your recovery proccess is really inspiring. BPD specially, has SO MANY criteria in order to be diagnosed that almost anybody at a certain stage of their lives could be diagnosed, I was, but i never let that become a label to describe me (or anyone). I really admire how you took 12 step recovery program so seriously, keep going man, you rock!

Oh wow, I was also in an equivalent model to the therapeutic community you spoke of. I was in and out of it for 2 years, and after I got serious about getting better, I got to a place of recovery. There were few people who were also trans, and I was out at the time. It was difficult being among the staff and fellow community members who had little knowledge about trans people, so it was extra hard. But I did get better.

Please talk about these things more! 💚 People don't talk about these things enough. Especially trans folks.

Oh bless you wouldn’t have had any idea watching your vlogs your a lovely person and very interesting to watch you take care of yourself xx

Sounds like you've moved into becoming emotionally detached from your diagnosis and have stepped in to becoming more the Observer of yourself and these aspects of you. Which is a more empowered position to be in, and you have done the hard work of working on yourself and reflecting on who you are, so you've definitely earned this inner place of self empowerment that you're enjoying these days 💕 You've cultivated the tools of mastery over these aspects that you were once diagnosed with to the point where they seem more like background noise, and your authentic Self now leads the way instead of these aspects that were a part of who you once were. I reckon if you went back and got scored again. You would be fine. You'd probably be nervous about it? But I reckon it would be ok. Thank you for being as transparent as you are and for being a healthy role model. The light you shine is amazing x x x

I am so grateful for the miracle that was, and still is, A.A. in your life journey. It seems that once you were clean and sober, and honest with yourself and others, you could see the trans part of your being so much more clearly, and then the rest flowed from that. You are a brave, strong soul, Finn. God bless you!

Lamby looking cool and chilled oh yeah

Passive Suicidal Ideation... Wow, I get that. At one time, I did plan a suicide and then did attempt it. Like a real attempt, which nearly succeeded, but it's weird because even though my life is waaaaay better and I'm waaaaay happier, it's like I got so close to death that it feels like I spend my life standing on the edge of a cliff. Great view all around but it's just one tiny step to fall to my death. It's something I think about nearly every day... just passively.

Hey. What a great video. I’m kinda stuck. I suffer from BPD. And a year ago I came out as trans MTF. I’ve been socialising ever since. All my friends and family are 100% supportive which is great. But I walk around with my head down during the day. But at night I’m so confident when I’m out with friends either for dinner and drinks. Or just a night out at clubs. But I’ve been questioning myself. Am I trans am I not trans. Regardless I can’t get that thought if I’m trans or not out my head. When I try to suppress it. All I can think about is her. As in my female self. She’s in my head every day no matter how hard i try. I can’t hide her. Is BPD making me feel like this.? Or am just scared to openly admit to myself I am her. I have children too. Does that play a part in to why I cannot be honest with myself that I truly am her. I overthink everything and make something small seem so big. My anxiety is everywhere. I’m literally stuck. Any advice is great advice.

WOW. You're such an amazing guy :) I love your videos, I also have mental health stuff going on, and for you to talk about it, and even know it's relatable to trans stuff, makes me feel less alone over here

Ooooh! Passive Suicide Ideation! I absolutely do that. I'm glad I'm not the only one. x

I understand. I also have a mindal health.

Wow a very determined guy! AA and other personality disorders. You seem rather well adjusted now! Grew up with a very abusive alcoholic stepmom! Dad had problem with alcohol too. Did alot of damage to me and some of my family members. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. So I wish I could find a guy who was similar in this trait and would enjoy just spending most of his time with me. You seem to be a very interesting person. Like to get to know your story better! Really..

I'm interested in more personality disorder videos please :-). I have a good friend with a personality disorder and would like to understand it better.

I have NPD. I feel like this diagnosis is highly stigmatized tho so I don’t talk about it much.

Omg I have BPD.,,, this is such an important video

Really informative vid as always. We have dissociative identity disorder. Not related to us being trans but w have very much felt better since transitioning. Thanks a always.

Oh I relate

Great video. Everyone has some sort of personality disorder, whether it's minor or major. I'm thinking it's part of being human. My mother has BPD, and she used to have the worst temper, tantrums etc when I was young... it did effect me as a kid, but as an adult I've been able to talk to her about her past and problems, and her temper has reduced substantially. It's just unfortunate that as a child I had to be effected by this, and it's contributed to my own personality disorders... sigh, it's a horrible cycle of humanity. But if we can be more honest about them, hopefully the newer generations won't be as effected.

I was assessed for BPD and showed some traits but I didn't associate with it. I knew I needed a diagnosis of ADHD and now I have it. I feel a lot better.

I have bpd and and I'm 31 years old AFAB and for a long time I've been questioning my gender identity. I'm finally at a point where I'm beginning to realise that I think I am trans. I've told my family and close friends and have been referred to gender identity clinic. But I'm scared that my gender identity confusion could actually be a symptom of my bpd. And I'm scared that medical professionals won't allow me to transition because of my bpd. I'm scared they won't take me seriously. I've done DBT and have all of my destructive behaviours under control and I still feel transition is right for me but I do have my doubts. So thank you so much for discussing this topic

Thank you so much. While I *know* that so many of the things I feel are identical to how people describe dysphoria, and I feel like I *want* to transition, I keep worrying that it's all something else. My sister has BPD and she's wonderful and I love her, but it's caused me to worry that maybe the reason I have no sense of self and am so dissociated is actually just because I could have it too. It's extremely comforting to hear that other people have been through similar, and that even if I were to be diagnosed with BPD it wouldn't invalidate everything else.

Hugs from Team OCD with a side of depression and anxiety. I will agree with you that your diagnosis was VERY likely connected to your growing understanding of your gender. In the US, BPD is most often assigned to femme percieved people and no matter how well intentioned a doctor may be, unless they are specifically trained to address trans issues, they're going to be coming from a binary gender point of view.

Thank you so much for this video! I was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago, but my doctor I have now think it has to do with the coming out as trans and everything I have gone through with unsupportive parents etc. And that the depression is because all that stress etc. I don’t know how long time you can be considered having depression or if the doctors re evaluate the diagnosis or not? I also have a hard time with managing anxiety.

I'm pretty sure I have BPD. Thank you so much for this video. The comments also help me so much. I have started HRT for two months now (AMAB) and I am very satisfied with it. I see the breast growth and I like it. The only time I feel worry about this is when I think what others will say. So far, everyone in my life supports me. I shave my legs, I wear feminine underwear for trans women, I am working to get bottom confirmation surgery. I have wanted to play with girls things since I was a little kid, very little. I always liked crossdressing. I started wanting a vagina pretty young, too. It seemed like it was all around a fetish, until it became more. Like I just want to dress in womens clothes now. My hair is long. I keep asking myself, is this right? Is this what I want? I'm 33 now, I have talked to therapists about my gender dysphoria, I have thought about it for years. But it has been about a year since I accepted this is my reality. So far, I have no regrets. I want more. I look at women and I wish I was them badly. I just feel good being feminine and I want to do it all the time now. The only thing stopping me is the fear of people. But knowing I probably have BPD has sort of freaked me out. I always wondered if there was another factor causing my gender dysphoria. Is my BPD causing gender dysphoria though? And if so, does that matter? If I address my personality issues, will that change my gender ID back to cismale? I don't want it to. I like this. But I wonder if that could change or something. It kind of worries me. I guess can anyone tell me when I will know I may have BPD but I also have gender dysphoria and it is 'real'? How do I know? How do I put the worry to rest?

I'm a psychology student and psychology nerd in general, so I am no kind of expert, but I was wondering how you were diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder? From what I know, people with ASPD (aka psychopaths/sociopaths) commit crimes and other forms of anti-social behavior, and have little to no remorse for their actions. They are often compulsive liars. In addition, they have little empathy for others (it's not that they don't understand others' feelings, they simply don't care) and are often narcissists as well. (There's a lot of overlap between the PDs, especially the "Cluster B" ones, but it's too complicated to fully get into the details of it in a single comment, plus there's plenty of stuff that's more advanced than my entry-level knowledge. But I'm not surprised you were diagnosed with multiple PDs considering that's the case for many people with PDs.) I know you've talked about your experiences with alcoholism and addiction, and maybe there's some crimes you committed as a result of that that I don't know about, but that would fall under "normal adult antisocial behavior", not ASPD. My point is that I don't know you or your life, so there may be something I'm missing here, but you don't seem like a cunning, unempathetic narcissist to me. (And I know from personal experience what that looks like.) All of the other PDs you listed are more to do with anxiety (OCPD, Dependent and Avoidant PD) or trouble controlling emotions and risky behavior (BPD) (actually DPD and BPD go hand in hand, because both personality disorders are based on fear of abandonment), and that would be something that wouldn't be as obvious to an outsider who doesn't know you IRL. Just my thoughts.

Not trans with a BPD, but I am BPD with identity disorder. Not a confusion for the most part. But you are probably correct in your case I could see that while,being on the opposite end of the spectrum I can say there can be confusion. When I'm daisy I am daisy and most of the time id rather be daisy to the point I think about HRT and coming out as trans but I'm not trans. I'm,not a crossdresser either. I have a voluntary desperate identity that I transition myself to, to escape this reality. Its as of I'm rile playing but its notbrole playing its actually on a deeper level. Emotjonaly and physically. Bpd is common in trans and I think you are right with some the BPD can likely be brought on by the trauma of dysphoria but at the same time I am 100 percent without a doubt positive that there are just as many that are not gender dysphoria but identity selective. My term I just made it up. Put it in the books its official. Identity selective. But yea and it can be easy to not realize or understand that you may have a identity disorder vs gender dysphoria. I would much rather be daisy most of the time actually all of the time because that's a better life cause I escape my world. I seriously seriously think about transitioning. I desire to be fem. To have breasts for my body and thinker to becime as absolutely fem as it possibly can at this point in my life. But I know I won't be able to just take it off.

I know in practice it's impossible to disentangle the different issues from each other, but I wonder if you would have ended up with the same diagnoses if the drinking had been addressed first. I know a lot of people with drug & alcohol problems get slapped with all sorts of diagnoses that no longer fit once the substance abuse is treated.

Hiya Finn, Another BPD here, luckily i'm also in recovery from it now but i've been told i've suicidal ideation as well (Awaiting councelling) mines are also linked to my being trans as well. Things are for sure looking up though, just moved home and got my top surgery referal plus changing from gel form of T because nebido just isn't agreeing with me! Plus i'm studying for my written test for driving and finally still losing weight. It's A LOT, yes it is but hell will freeze over first before i take my own life! Love you my dear friend!

I have BPD I have lost full access to my kids . Last summer I had a break down I was out of control and now no one believes I am doing better now since moving out of my mom house . I got BPD from being molested and sexually harassed a kid and teen .

Oh this is so recognizable!

Thanks for sharing Finn!

Congratulations!

Hiya Finn ☺, great to see ya xx

WELL SAID FINN!

I never knew you had pd mate i have eupd traits with depression and anxiety since 2016

Hello 👋 new subscriber here! Greetings from Colombia sexy guy. :) have a nice day. Up! Up! Up!

I have bpd

I think you need to get a second opinion to get several -if not all- of those personality disorders removed.

Omg. R u sure u have all that!!!

Looking to man to solve your problems will give you more problems!!! Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life!!! Look at all the labels man has put on you!!! Jesus will free you and you will gain eternal life in heaven!!!! Consider reading God's word and shed the false labels!!! Peace!!!