From a woman whose husband cheated on her, emotional and physical affairs, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. If he wasn’t married to you, he would be doing it to another woman. My ex STILL sleeps around with women now that we are divorced and he has cheated on every woman he has been with the in 10 hrs since our divorce. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. And, you deserve much much better. He’s not capable of giving you what you deserve and that sucks. Love yourself more than him. God bless you.
@Molly A oh my gosh- i thought for a minute that you were talking about my first husband. He did the same thing and then did the same thing to his second wife. God bless you and stay strong.
the question is why you chose him???... he is a bad person, but women chose those men so they have part of the blame too.... is called being an adult you make poor decisions you pay.
@@castiel4746you don’t understand that childhood trauma creates people who are conditioned to accept certain toxic behaviors as normal-it’s a conditioning and the toxic person feels familiar-the abuse is a slow drip and insidious-it’s deep
@@castiel4746 You don't meet someone and just automatically know they're a cheater. People can be extremely sneaky about hiding who they really are until much later into relationships. Everyone loved my step-father, on the outside he appeared to be a great man but at home he was an abusive monster. People are not always what they appear. What you are doing is victim blaming, stop it.
@@tigernotwoods914 what she has is all lies. She doesn't have the husband she thought she had so he's her his on paper only. Her married is a lie. I hope she gets out
@tigernotwoods914 Depends if you said you're monogamous dating, or just open dating, which should be discussed before hand. My mom assumed, since she was dating my dad, she was the only one. She found out she wasn't, & drew the line & told him she's the only one, or to get lost. He dumped everybody else, proposed, & they were married 33 years, until she passed. If you know your value, don't settle for less than all the attention about us, & not others.
People like this never change. Here’s how I know. A woman tried to get my husband to cheat and sent nudes. He immediately rebuffed the advances and blocked her. If it’s not someone’s instinct to protect your relationship from the start it won’t ever happen. When a guy started trying to get me to leave my husband, it was an immediate block. It’s never worth staying with someone who doesn’t value you or the commitment you both made.
When she said, "what's wrong with me..." I felt the tears. I hope she finds the peace and love that she deserves. And yes...she does DESERVE to be not just loved, but cherished.
This guy is not going to change. I dealt with someone like this for over 7 years. It never got better...even when it seemed like it was better. He became more sneaky. It got worse. And then I started blaming myself. You are worth more than he makes you feel.
Same here, for 5 years. The 2nd year I was trying to leave and told him I was done with him. That’s when the abuse started, physically, mentally and emotionally. Thankfully he was stupid enough to keep getting in trouble with the police and went to prison, God made a way to get out. It’s hard when you don’t have family or anyone that could help.
I’m a 72 year old guy 😊who experienced similar events by my wife 45 years ago. I hung in for 25 years, for the kids early on and for the family unit later. I was never the same as deep down the trust was gone forever. I’m know some couples have overcome this but most do not. I’ve been divorced now for 25 years and life is great. Love my kids and my grand kids, they are my life
"In life, we don't get what we deserve, we get what we are willing to tolerate" -Tonny Robbins If she's willing to tolerate a cheater then that's what she'll get. If she's willing to tolerate receiving less, then less is what she'll get.
Exactly!! Lies/denial are sugar, and the truth is salt. That’s what gave me the strength to leave my abusive marriage. I had to accept I was going through it because I kept myself in that situation.
Terrible advice. She wants to explore what she can do to push back on the enemy which is herself. He can overcome addiction and she unbelievably loves him. He can learn how lucky he is over time. He may become exactly what she needs if he digs in, attends SAA, and goes to counseling.
@@GentlRebel don’t be so quick to dismiss a woman who wants to keep her family together and is now willing to find a spine. Once she finds her inner tiger, he may naturally just leave (or she may decide his response is not worth it), but at least she will have turned over every leaf.
When people show you who they are, believe them. I live by that now. I was like her, I looked beyond the red flags, or I forgave the behavior. Not anymore. I call it out when I see it and I walk away.
Yes. We are taught to look for the best in people. Or we’ll all people tell lies. Or well it was a mistake he loves me she seduced him. And all the other things we tell ourselves as women. I can change him…
Unfortunately, it takes getting burned. She just hasn't had the right experience yet. Seeing is believing. If she were to see him showing affection to another woman it would rip her heart out.
@@terriesmith2616 You are talking about a specific space in time, ie; a local derivative. You've never heard of the frog in a boiling pot or the elephant that doesn't realize as an adult that he can break the rope he is tethered to. You must be very frustrated by ignorance. I'm sure this is not the only thing that frustrates you. Try to expand your knowledge beyond what you know....or think you know.
When it comes to cheating, First time around you are a victim, Second time around you are a volunteer. Don't give a cheater a second chance to cheat on you again. Don't marry a red flag and expect to be happy.
That sounds so simple ….but then there is real life….. (not to mention blaming the victim. No offence but it sounds like you should do some reading …..)
No one volunteers to be lied to and cheated on. you must come to the realization that it is them, the cheater, not you and gift yourself a better life. arespect yoursel enough to walk away.
Exactly. 💯💯💯 If he cheated on you once, twice, thrice and you forgive him and continue to take him back, then it's on you. Most women have a hard time taking self accountability for the part they played in the relationship. If you are willing to tolerate less from a man, then less is what you'll get. It's on you at this point.
Once I finally admitted my marriage of 18 years was not fixable the crippling anxiety I struggled with the entire time suddenly became almost non-existent. You can’t be all in with someone that isn’t also all in.
Same. I became a wound up, anxious person during my 15 year marriage. After I left, my ex tried tell me I had BPD, and I just laughed, because the symptoms all disappeared when I left him and finally accepted that my marriage wasn't salvageable.
John understands that telling this woman what to do won’t help her. He knows she has to get out. Instead he tries to help her to arrive at that decision on her own.
She exhibits so much minimizing behavior that he knows that simply telling her won’t do anything even if she did actually leave which would be unlikely. If he simply told her to leave and she did she’d land in another bad situation more than likely. But helping her arrive to it and treat the underlying problems she has leads to her finally accepting things and changing her life so that this doesn’t happen to her again.
Ok I hate to be a negative Nancy but there aren’t that many out there. It’s extremely rare these days to find a good partner who’s loyal and truly committed. You pretty much have to get used to being alone and focus on loving yourself.
This is me. And the way she made excuses for him and minimized everything then your explanation was eye opening because as a child, if i expreseed anything i was screamed at, hit, told i was being too sensitive, or i should be ashamed of saying such words or having such thoughts, so i keep feelings in until i blow up. Or i fawn and let men do whatever they want. This video made me cry so hard. 💔 thank you for all you do.
@@mikenelson8377 unfortunately some women rather allow feelings to interpret what love is rather then facts of what love does. I too have allowed feelings over truth for a season. Because after the feeling fades you're still left with what the truth is. Corinthians 13:4-8a (ESV) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Yep. Because she’s hoping he I’ll find her so beautiful and lovely he will just quit . She could be the most beautiful woman on earth and that won’t make a man quit his porn and cheating !! He’s for the streets!
It's not the anxiety, sis. From what I'm understanding, the anxiety is a by product from marrying a Cheater. So sorry her emotions are all over the place. I hope & pray she finds courage to do the right thing for her sake for once.
Poor baby. I feel sorry for her. Things like this is why I prefer solitude. I do not like having my emotions dictated based on the actions of another. I wish her well 🙏💕
OMG I just said this same thing. I’ve never remarried after my divorce because I don’t want to be entangled with another person emotionally. I do t want to feel out of sorts and gaslighted, felling like I’m crazy. I like my kids and grands and I just don’t want that again. I don’t want my emotions controlled and yanked around
@@LisaLisaCJit's unfortunate that alot of women in your position project (consciously or subconsciously) because you were not able to pick a quality guy. I hear women including my mom that mumble about men in general and relationship because of their bad choices. U find often times people don't really ask the right questions, ignore red flags constantly, don't observe charcter and then when they're single they have nothing positive to say about men or relationships. Not saying this to you specifically. Just an observation about your comment
@@JustBree716 Honey. What were not going to do is blame women for ‘picking’ wrong. If women from all walks of life despite their culture, religion, nationality etc all have similar stories (let’s be honest, there are more bad experiences than good). How are we still blaming the women for ‘picking wrong’? 👀 you guys talk like these guys come with a warning sign written on their foreheads or something. 😂Women tend to only CHOOSE from the men that approach them. They are the ones being PICKED OUT by men who often see them as prey. If it’s simply about women ‘picking wrong’ then how do you explain the women that are severely destroyed in arranged marriages that was chosen by their own fathers? Women can only choose based on what they perceive and many times it’s just the representative. Instead of telling women to ‘pick better’ it’s time that guys actually become better. 😴😴 👉🚮
“Healing from anxiety and teaching your body that it’s safe is found in healing and relationship, and the demon of trauma is it makes relationships the monster.”
I went through the same exact thing in my marriage, including the finding messages to another woman before we were married. I was so stupid to marry him and marriage ended up being so much worse. I would not continue with him if I were you unless he moved heaven and earth to get help and radically turn things around. If he's simply admitting wrongdoing but doing nothing about it, he will just do it again and again. The addiction requires special help. I divorced him in the end because deeper issues of his avoidance of emotions and intimacy killed everything more than any kind of infidelity. It broke me back then, but God has healed me greatly and walked me through it. Then I met someone a billion times better. 💓
This was me 4 years ago. I was so defeated that I couldn't feel emotions anymore. Deep therapy and divorce have freed me. I focused on taking care of myself, my kids and paying off house. I am finally free! 💕💕💕💕 My ex has moved 3 times and his gf just broke up with him. He will never change and that is not about me or anyone else. It's all him and his hang ups.
And now I need to throw up... Freeze, Flight, Fight.... and FAWN. This is it. This is the label no one speaks about. If I just get the best skin. If I just workout more. If I just get a better job. If I give him the child he has always wanted. If I just love him more than anyone has ever loved him.... maybe, just maybe, he'll find me valuable. You can't deal with the fact, that ultimately, you didn't listen to yourself... when he showed you who he really was.
Sweetheart, somewhere out there is a wonderful man who is looking for you. He can't find you because you're wasting your life in this miserable relationship. This guy is an anchor slowly pulling you under the waves. Cut the rope and swim away. Haven't you wasted enough tears on this narcissist? If he loved you he wouldn't be cheating on you. Go find the man who loves you.
As a therapist, I would tell her to take a deep breath and breathe for a moment. That's what I do when they machine gun talk like that. I wish women would learn to feel more powerful and leave men when they cheat.
If he can’t respect you by being faithful , then he doesn’t deserve YOU . What you waiting for the line of other women knocking on your door wanting child support ?? Respect yourself enough to move on and let go , you deserve to be someone’s Queen .
Listen to me honey. You can tell just by your voice and cadence and comedy that you are a WONDERFUL person. I so loved when you opened up and said what you were really feeling! It’s not YOU. You only think it’s you because of how you taught yourself to survive in childhood. Listen to books like women who love too much and men who can’t love. You need to find out the WHY of why you take on everything as YOUR responsibility and your fault. Why YOU are the problem. Why YOU fix things all by yourself. Why YOU put all that onto your shoulders. Sounds like HE is the problem. My ex did this. He was frightened by me having a sickness & in his unhappiness he started to swipe behind my back & flirt online. I never got it back because I felt so shocked when I saw him once doing this. When he interacted with women and didn’t think I saw he had such a smile on his face & he did it with such ease that I stopped trusting what I knew. In my ex’s case I know he wasn’t with anyone, but in your case you have no idea if your love has. That’s not what inner child you deserves! In my ex’s case he said he did it cuz he wasn’t happy and just wanted to feel better. But his behavior ruined my health. As for you you gotta sit with yourself & try to meet what you DID go through. For me when I did that I realized I never even pondered that. I never sat with what I went through because as a kid I never recognized I had been so traumatized as a kid. Stop feeling bad for having boundaries & standards! And find out your attachment style. See which one or two you are
A friend of mine got involved with a guy who lied to her since day one. Convinced her to move in with him after like 1 month and the lies and secrets just kept on coming. A month ago she had him arrested on assault charges and she has lost her daughter, her business and her self esteem because of him. He was abusing her since day one and i dont think anything he ever told her was the truth. Get out NOW!!
Many people are saying there is someone better out there for her. That may be true, but it is equally true that she is better off without this dude regardless whether she ever finds someone else.
Yes, I have not found anyone else worth having since my divorce 20 years ago. But my mental health recovered immediately I threw in the towel on my marriage. Hard as it is bringing up children on my own without child support or any support, it has been infinitely better than staying with him
Is she sure it was only a text affair? How does she 100-% know that? Walk away or this is your life …😢 That is EXACTLY why the intimacy is failing!! Boom! Porn addiction! Girl… RUN!!!! Woah, what was wrong with me she said??? Oh my gosh!! As a survivor of domestic violence, that was me 10 years ago! It’s NOT YOU!!! Honey, it’s 100-% him!! You have nothing to do with his issues ! Her wanting to be with him is sad but understandable , but when she realizes her WORTH, she most likely will want nothing to do with him. Maybe I am overreacting, maybe it was just a text thing. A text thing is attention on another woman that’s not YOU! That’s terrible!!
They could have a connection issue in their relationship. I had a buddy struggle to connect with his wife who had trauma in her past and he turned to porn to fill that hole. He was flawed as are most people, but he wasn't a bad guy. These things get complicated and it's not always black and white. We've only heard 1 side to this story, and while she could be 100% correct on everything it's also possible we are missing context from the guys side of the story.
I’m in this exact situation. We aren’t married, I cut him off. Blocked him on everything. This morning. When he said sorry- I fell apart. I didn’t get an Ernest sorry, just excuses and it hurts so much that he betrayed me so easily.
How? If he's a trucker on the road it's either either do your job or cheat and don't do your job and get fired. I used to be a trucker 99% of the time there's no time to just meander around with women physically. In fact, I would wager since he has a porn addiction he's not getting any physical needs met.
He’s having sec with random women on the road so when he comes home he’s sexed out she need to dump his scary ass and he could potentially give her stds
@@firefly9838 🙄 Oh please. My ex was a truck driver. I asked him this question. I asked him once how he found the time. His reply, "You make the time." She needs to leave the misery he brings her.
You are too nice! Done if your callers need to be told Get out of that toxic relationship! If he has demons let him get help on his own! Don’t let him drag you down to life full of disrespect, lies manipulation.
Great advice, Dr. John. As a woman with a significant life flip on relationships, I can say from experience that her sadness is 100 percent the result of her own guilt or emotional vacuum -- she draws the behavior that she thinks she deserves. If she establishes her boundaries within herself, he may also change. If not, then it won't really matter to her because she will be healed.
If people just learned how to love themselves and be happy with themselves than 90% of all the stress and problems that relationships bring would not be tolerated. I dont know how people become so dependent on others for their happiness.
You can love yourself only to the degree you've been loved. Pop psychology is doing people terrible disservice by implying or outright claiming otherwise, by speaking of healthy self-lice and self-respect as skills one can teach oneself. What total bunkum! It's a cruel swindle, really.
Damn, that was tough to watch because of the tension and emotive, but incredibly informative. Thanks for posting and thank you caller for calling in me letting us see this.
Women, cut your losses and move on. This relationship is down the drain. Once trust was lost, she was the only one to become insecure and filled with anxiety. Not him. He doesn't have a care in the world. It's only her burden to bear. Life and love should feel better than this.
I have severe childhood trauma. At 53, Im learning boundaries and to find peace and healing through therapy. It takes time to build trust, but to be around poeple who are trust worthy.
Thank you for your kind heart, Dr. Delony. I hurt for this lady. Me and my beloved have gotten a lot of valuable tidbits from your show, including this episode. We are both natural fawners, and we are generally terrified of abandonment. We are working on building open communication, mutual respect, and learning that speaking about things with which we disagree isn't the end, just continuing our growth as a couple by discussing it honestly and Lovingly. Healthy boundaries are a wonderful thing.
@@melodykubiak5850 He's in therapy, I am out of state taking care of my mom full time. This job carries with it some assertion. :0) We've already come a long way.
I totally know where she's coming from. At a young age I was always silenced by my stepmother. I was never just me. I was never accepted truly by this woman and it stung. I was taught not to defend myself only except what treatment she gave me. And my father allowed it. I think the real reason why she treated me like that was because I look so much like my mother. The sad thing about it is they were friends My mother and her at one point in time. That was before my dad got with my stepmother. I feel like she took it out on me her feelings of anger towards my mother and even my dad. I felt never good enough for her or my dad as far as that. And that ran into every relationship that I have or ever had. Yes there was a lot of trauma and lost in my childhood. From being taken for my mother to go live with my dad and my stepmother, to my brother committing suicide when he was 14 and I was 7, to the constant fear of I was going to die when I was 14, to being bullied by my step siblings and other kids at the school, to being molested by my step nephew that was your younger than me which I do not blame I blame the adult/whoever did that to him, to wanting to end my own life for years after all these things happened,to an alcoholic father. I never truly trusted people or completely healed from all that trauma. But I was always last and even in my relationships with men I was always putting myself after their needs. Making excuses for what they did and even returning even after I left that relationship thinking it would be better this time which it never was. It only got worse. My husband had a porn addiction at one time which pushed me to feeling inadequate and unable to fulfill his every whim when it came into the bedroom. But I never received what I needed. We divorced after a domestic violence towards myself and I even forgave him and we tried to work through it. I was with that man on and off since I was 22 and I am now turning 47. And 2 years ago we finalized our divorce. Which we were only married for about 5 years. So I totally understand where she's coming from. Going back even after everything that's happened through our relationship. I wish I could hug her and tell her she will get through it and she deserves to be loved not just second rate.
I like how John gets people who feel like it’s wrong to let their real feelings out or to express something made them to finally do so. It’s nice to see people finally be encouraged to ignore the grooming by society that having negative emotions from negative events is a bad thing and that being honest about what you feel is the first step to working through it and eventually healing.
This was the best episode!!! I can relate so much. And thanks a lot to John for bringing his 'in or out'- concept into context (and showing the limits of it, too).
Dr Delony, you have given me the missing link on my healing journey. I couldn’t understand why I kept going back to my abusive ex, as I knew better. But the part you where you said you snuggle up even closer cause you’re so afraid to be left again. (Not in those exact words) but in 2015, my father took his life, I suddenly had a real fear of being abandoned and unloveable. This dynamic kept me stuck with someone dangerous and almost cost me my life. Thank you for this gift of clarity. I understand me, just a little more now. You’re the best! To your caller- I feel your pain, and I’m so sorry your husband is unable to love you the way you deserve to be loved. It’s not you, it’s him. I too, encourage you to get therapy and learn to love yourself, over all else. Then you will have the clarity you need with where to go from here. You are the prize, keep shining darlin!
A BIG percentage of the relationships are the monsters - don't you know?? As an escapee from 2 abusive marriages and in earning my own life and being a good citizen boosts up my self worth and knowing that I'm a bad chooser, staying single is my choice. Ahhhh - Sweet Peace! We devoted singles need your cred, too and being a devoted single who wants to have her/his life make a positive difference in this world is worthy of positivity from you, dear friend. Love you and all that you do, Dr. John Delony.
When she said everything else in her life was great and she didn't mention her husband and listening to her voice I knew she was just putting up with her husband. She doesn't think she deserve better.
Every moment of our lives is an opportunity to teach people how you want to be treated. It may mean you lose significant people in our lives along the way but at you least you don’t have to waste any more time on such energy and spirit depleting people. Their journey is on them, not you. LET THEM GO - be free and happy 😊 sometimes it’s better to be on your own rather than with crappy people..You will then attract people who are aligned to your values and who deserve to be with you 🙏 honestly, we need relationships and money management as part of the core school curriculum..it would drastically improve the welfare and well being of everyone.😊
Caller: "Honesty? I want nothing more right now than to be around him." John: "Is that reality, or is that your trauma?" Well maybe, John, she's just in love! We've all been there - in love with a creep.
I never get tired of "I'll walk along with you every step of the way" then immediately thank them and end the call before they are even able to respond. I get that it's an"radio" show. But if I were one of these callers, his words would feel far less genuine after being hustled of the line to get to another call. Especially with the kind of stuff he ends up discussing with folks. Some of it is life changing, earth shattering horribleness and I can't help but feel like that is not always considered when Dr John has his tech lady screaming in his ear about how long the call is going. Idk. Ok. Rant over lol
Sounds like you are trauma bonded - sometimes it feels like you are all in - tolerating the worst you can is not a flex. Choosing yourself over his abuse is all in for yourself. I stayed 10 years, he never stopped cheating. He eventually left me for another younger girl who was all in and believed his lies.
My first marriage was dead on arrival as my then husband never stopped texting all his sources of supply in terms of attention from women, especially his female “best friend” , who although married herself, was the biggest pick-me. He was emotionally unavailable to me as he was emotionally cheating on me with her (she’d call every day and they’d talk for hours as he was her emotional support) and text intimate things and lovey dovey messages all day. He could never say I was beautiful nor “I love you” to me but said it to her all the time. She had no respect for marital boundaries and always tried to be the solace for him by wedging herself into our marital business.
My response to this title: Ditch him. He clearly either isn't capable of being mature enough or willing to be for you, on your behalf... Ugh, Girl, that spells real trouble for your future with him. And that won't go away. If you go forward with him, Know the pain of betrayal will repeat or stay with you at least in resentment and questioning your relationship for potentially years... Give yourself that time back now.
_"Are you calling about being a dog mom? Please say yes. Cause that makes you crazy."_ That was a special one even for John. I'm definitely digging it. 😂
Dr John Delony nailed it childhood trauma is very real an causes anxiety on everything an it can sometimes feel like your a prison in your own body , especially when you feel like everything is a threat an you don't know when the other shoe is going to drop .that's me for sure an cannot trust your own instincts or is anxiety . because the symptom feels the same
My soon to be ex has been texting, calling and hanging out with my kids soccer coach for over a year. I finally busted them through texting. Almost 4,000 texts in 1 month not including phones calls.
For those in this situation, a great read prescribed by therapist is healing from hidden abuse. She seems like such a gentle and beautiful woman. Who would thrive in a healthy relationship. God I hope she is doing well!
Once she develops the ability to validate her own boundaries and standards, I think she'll find the strength to ask for what she wants out of life. Her attachment to him is trauma based familiarity.
I feel like what Lisa went through I’m going through now with my husband. Found texts in his phone saying inappropriate things and when I confronted him about it, he dismissed as just a talk between friends…. Like who talks to their friends of the opposite sex inappropriately 🤦🏻♀️ But his tears and him begging not to leave him saying he doesn’t want to lose me…lead me to forgive him, time and time again.
