Oh my god. Can't believe how jaw-dropping this video is!!! This describes me, and also probably so many other so damn well. It makes SO much sense, what the hecc... 1. Relationships were always a super high priority in my life, especially with the ones who showed me the most signs of being dismissive avoidant, and who were VERY inconsistent, while I basically wasn't interested in any other part of my life or atleast didn't want to commit to much else 2. I can't regulate my anger at all. Not my mom, nor my dad can properly deal with anger, so when I have it, it gets so bad and weird that I feel like I'm literally about to just explode (silently, of course :p) and shame is very difficult for me as well 3. I especially noticed how I don't really get out of terrible mindsets until I connect to a friend and vent about it, to get validation and reassurance to move on 4. I always keep myself at a 'broken state' so I feel like I'm 'worthy of attention'. I honestly feel like "If I'm happy and feel good about myself, people won't be interested in me anymore. There is nothing interesting about me if I'm not broken" - probably that was the case in my childhood, that my parents immediately gave their attention to something else as soon as I was 'finally satisfied', because they were both really busy and just stressed with so much back then... That they thought like "alright finally she's okay, let's just deal with the other 29499402 terrible things now, she'll only get my attention again if she cries"... AHHH! And now again I felt like over telling on the internet
Another of her videos absolutely blew my mind. I thought I was self analytical and understood myself but these videos connected so many dots and gave terms to so many things about myself
This is for real ! AP male here and FA woman has been pulling away. This makes my attachment go crazy. I haven’t acted on it because I know what it is and have learned DBT. I’m trying to detach and let her go but the loneliness, fear of abandonment, and panic is very very real !!!!
I heard that AP and FA’s are supposed to work. I had the same dynamic in a past relationship, but we both triggered each other greatly till it ended abruptly.
This is so true! My dad doesn't know how to handle me when I cry. Absolutely no space given to feel the emotions. I feel he becomes super uncomfortable and always says I need to be strong no matter what and says people who cry are weak! Also, since I have eczema I was never taught to be confident, own it and accept myself with it and feel myself worthy no matter what. The whole dynamic was such that I had to hide it from the society blah blah blah. An interesting thing happened last year almost same time. I had to buzz my head coz of my eczema. Also, I had got an interview call few weeks later. Guess what these people said- wear a scarf and attend the interview!!! Nah babies not anymore.!! I meditated, mustered up my courage, was really aware of what was going through internally as well as externally, what would happen if I lost the confidence etc. I was vulnerable and honest, communicated super effectively, told my strengths and weaknesses, what I'm really passionate in life etc WITH ALMOST A BALD HEAD!! Guess what! The job is mine now.. Wear a scarf bullshit hahhahhahahaha
Awesome story man, keep your head up! Eczema ain’t the end of the world. I’m sure there’s tons of cool durags,hats and other head accessories u can rock 🤘🏼 hell, maybe an erraning could be cool.. lol own it!
Honestly? I think the biggest thing that clicked with me is this idea of continuing to take accountability for one's feelings. I've fallen off my usual mental health regime and I remember how much more in control and more stable and safe I felt while managing and owning those feelings while having an anxious attachment. It can get better even if it's scary. All of this idea of how the anxious attachment came about also really resonates and is pretty spot on for my early childhood. Bookmarking this!
I don’t how she was able to articulate my whole life issues from childhood to up until now in 23 mins with absolute clarity. Now I understand why I try to fix everything and everyone thinking of not doing or showing enough.
AP male here, I’ve experienced that my AP attachment style has blossomed after ending a 23 year marriage with no triggers related to AP. Now when I have entered a much deeper level of emotional relationship I have found that AP blossoms up and has surprised me deeply since I’ve never experienced these type of feelings before. Lucky my partner has studied attachment styles for a while and was able to suggest what was going on. I haven’t felt the anger, or need to control consciously as described in the video, but the waves of uncontrollable thoughts and anxiety of abandonment are so real it’s scary. I have found that writing the brutal, raw truths about my thoughts in such moments helps me. I often leave the notes after writing them to then read them again a day or at least a few hours later, that way I can read how little my thoughts actually are connected to what’s really going on in my life. Thanks for sharing these videos it helps a 49 year old understand his own life.
This actually made me cry. I can relate to this on every level. Thank you so much for making these videos. And for posting them on a free platform for all of us to see. This even helped me process some unresolved emotions about my relationship with my (now deceased) Mom. Things make a lot more sense now.
Gold !! Pure gold!!! Never crossed mi mind that the romanticized version of love in the media was probably made by anxiously attached people. YOU ARE AMAZING!! Can you avoidant version now this video next?
I came here to see about getting help for my child with separation anxiety but what I really got was a reality check describing exactly who I am and all of its dysfunctional intricacies. I would really love to hear some more about in-depth ways to work through this insecure attachment style, as well as how to do that through the lens of being a parent of a child that you already see having attachment anxieties, and also through the lens of how to improve within the workplace whenever you have certain attachment styles. Shame really is so much more than what it looks like from the outside looking in. Several psychiatrists have identified many tendencies within me that speak to borderline personality or ADD or depression, situational anxiety, OCPD, it's amazing how some people are able to maintain secure attachment even though they experienced more trauma than others whereas other people are extremely sensitive and struggle so much despite never really feeling like they went through anything too traumatic from the outside. I grew up with a family that looked really good on the outside and didn't seem so bad in the grand scheme of things and yet here I am anxiously attached,b preoccupied with unhealthy relationships, and working on personality disorder and mental health characteristics That seem unescapable despite so much therapy and medication.
You just described my whole life being rejected and abandoned at a very young age. 😂 Yup, as an adult I chose two marriages with an avoidant attachment style because I felt safe with them, not realizing the under current of them repressing their emotions. Actually, I did not know them at all because they repressed their emotional side. I would love to get all the time back I spent on these failed marriages due to the clashing attachment trauma styles. I'm finally finding answers to the emotional challenges I have been up against all my life and what was the driving force behind my relational choices. Thank you so very much for your utube videos. You are amazing and a blessing to me. I am old enough to be your granny now, but will continue to learn and grow from this point. ❤
This is all making sooooo much more sense now. All throughout my time in college, whenever I started getting emotionally invested in a girl, my feelings would slowly escalate to the point where I just couldn't concentrate on anything else and I would literally seek out someone to go talk to. Like, literally everything in my life stopped. Homework stopped, video games stopped, eating stopped. And I would go to the performing arts building on campus (I was a music major) at 7pm and walk the halls and walk around the practice rooms until I found someone whom I felt would know what to say to me in my situation and ask to talk to them. And it wouldn't even necessarily be someone close to me. Sometimes it was just an acquaintance from one of my classes. But I believed they wouldn't be dismissive of my feelings and situation so I would go talk to them. And sometimes my insistence on meeting with someone specific was so intense, I would ask people around the building if they knew where the person lived so I could go talk to them. And I can't remember ever doing it, but I wouldn't have put it past myself to just go to the campus library and find a total stranger to talk to. But again, I don't think I ever did that. I would usually try to meet with someone whom I had met before. And nowadays, my only source of socializing is at work. And I've noticed that whenever I don't have feelings of attraction to anyone, I'm fine. It's almost like I've been cured of my insecure attachment. And this can last for a couple of years. But as soon as there's someone new that gets hired that I get attracted to, that whole entire pattern of behavior all comes right back. And my feelings escalate again and I have to go drop all tasks I'm working on because I can't concentrate and seek out a coworker who I will find non-judgemental and work out my feelings with. It's just crazy how accurate this all is with the anxious attachment style. I've been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me for years! And for the longest time I just chalked it up to standard social anxiety, but this attachment style is _specifically_ accurate to my problems which is incredibly relieving to find out. Finally
I can relate to this a lot, especially with the situation at work. I work part-time in a cinema and there is this one guy, the first time I saw him we could talk so well and spend the day cleaning the halls etc. & of course I then started to "fixate" on him, as I call it. Now everytime I go to work, I just hope he'll be there - and if he's there, my concentration is just all on him. And it's so awful sometimes really, I feel like I have to always know where he is, what he does, who he is talking to, if he's looking at me, bla bla bla... And I get anxious and stressed when I haven't seen him walking around the workplace for like 10 minutes, and I just can't really stop it. Sometimes it's so frustrating that I feel like I can't continue working that day. Like you said, that you feel like that everything just "stops". And then I get angry at that guy because he activates my anxious-attachment, which just feels so stupid.
I haven't been able to figure out if I was anxiously or avoidantly attached for the longest (I'm naturally reserved & introverted so I thought it might be avoidant.) This video really clicked with me because I've spent so much of my life trying to explain and rationalize in different ways why I'm feeling what I'm feeling to a parent that just never understood or responded without getting mad at my reactions. Thank you, this video helped me understand a lot about myself.
Dear Heidi, greetings from Germany👋😀 I stumbled on your channel a few weeks ago and I immediately fell in love with your content! English isn't my native language, but listening to you is quite easy, because the WAY you present and explain all this stuff is absolutely MY language! My heart, my soul and my brain are having a great party 🎉💕 Thanks for you beeing you😉 and keep on going👍 ENFP🌟
You have confirmed my realization that poorly attached adults tend to produce poorly attached children. Intergenerational trauma at work in just one more way.
At age 80 I realize I was culturally heavily influenced by the idea of romantic bonding as the answer to self fulfillment and that was most definitely augmented by film and novels I read.
Yes, Sharon. Been there. It is very damaging. Relationships are important but not to the detriment of your relationship with yourself. My intellectual life suffered tremendously as did my mental health. Yes, films and novels and the view the world held of how women should live for love influenced me, but I believe it was the emotionally neglect of my childhood that put the need to find a partner into overdrive. There was a hole needing to be filled. I wrongly assumed someone else could fill it. No one can, except myself. Mom's job was not done, and I unwittingly tried to make someone else do it.
Oh my God yeah. I've become very weary of the type of media I consume. I use to listen to a lot of Facebook videos about cheating and podcasts about playing the "dating game". All it did was reinforce my belief that I alone am not good enough to be loved, that material gain is the best I can get from relationships(not love), and it also just made me hyper focus on my fears, even when i wasn't in a relationship.
Absolutely shattered the friendships of two of the closest people to me due to a lack of understanding of both my anxious attachment style, their avoidant attachment style, and how these can interact in absolutely destructive ways in conflict. Can't fix things with 'em now, but these videos are helping me feel so much more confident that I can learn, change myself, and prevent that kind of disaster from happening again in the future.
If you're concerned your own young child has an anxious attachment style, do you know if it's possible to help them repair it and become securely attached before adulthood?
This video brings hope. I knew that attachment styles formed early. I recognise that I had two narcissistic parents who couldn't love (I certainly tried!) but I didn't know it wasn't a life sentence. That's good news and something I'm already working on in therapy.
Thank you! I have been trying to understand why AP's do what they do. I'm an FA and have known many AP's. Everywhere else online they just pretty much say well the parent was inconsistent and that's what causes it. That didn't make sense to me. How you explain here that a child using anger or bids for affection and different emotional tactics that actually worked on the parents and so they grow up and try to do the same thing in relationships - that makes total sense to me.
I learned more about myself from this particular video than I have in years of therapy - and now am beginning to understand the "whys" (something that's critical for me) of how I behave and react... And best of all (although a daunting task at 61), I see a light at the end of the tunnel that isn't yet another train. Thank you. 🙏🏼🥰
Dude this is so helpful! This is where a good 80% of my personal insecurities come from. Those constant flip floppy attitudes tones behaviors etc.AKA mixed signals, really have me programmed to believe that when I express certain aspects of myself, I put myself at risk of becoming unwanted. And it only gets worse when you get older and you experience being ganged up on by peers and authority figures. For me at least those inconsistent signs of Love / affection vs spite/ contempt where internalized and have become my inner critic.
This is crazy for me because I'm not an adult. I'm 17 and I'm just getting started on this journey. my parents got divorced when i was four, so there was definitely a lot of inconsistency in my upbringing. I just started dating and told my therapist about my overreaction when I thought I was being ghosted. Hence me starting to learn about all this stuff. I have a book on the way in the mail about attachment styles and I’ve started watching videos like this. I thought I just had horrible taste in partners (which is probably somewhat true-) but there is definitely some improvement that needs to be made on my end.
I just discovered your channel and you have nailed my attachment style on the head!! Even the childhood experiences you mentioned about a parent being preoccupied with work or having so many other children that the other child, ie. Me gets neglected. I have never understood why I was attracted the the type of men I was or why my relationships never lasted. It’s been so hard feeling like I was doing everything right but still ending up in failed relationships. I have now been single for 4 years and doing a lot of work with a therapist who deals with past trauma, watching podcasts and working on my healing. Having an understanding of the attachment style that seems to drive your choices and behaviors is the first step in changing one’s life approach. Thank you for this video and all the information given here.
Thank you soooo much for this! This answers my questions towards finding the pattern I went through in childhood that has made me feel unworthy when not having my needs met from a caregiver with his own wounds
I don’t know how to process many of my emotions at all… I’m aware of it but I cannot control it. When I’m triggered, I really blow things out of proportion! I realize it in my voice, my tone, and the things I say, but it’s usually after the fact (of course) that it really sinks in… I live with my nephew, and a few other family members, and I don’t know how to show him love or affection as an aunt… I’m completely blocked off in many ways. Also, hugs always feel very odd to me… I get very intimidated by them. On the contrary, my nephew LOVES hugs! I suck it up and give him hugs anyway because in my heart I want to be more affectionate-I truly do-but it is so uncomfortable. He also confides in me about various things that I feel I never give adequate advice for because I don’t know how to emotionally process what he’s telling me, and therefore, I feel almost disconnected… he’s very young, so maybe he can’t tell-but I’m sure this could affect him when he’s older. Makes me VERY sad, I tell you!!!! It’s not just me btw, the rest of family members I live with also clearly have insecure attachment style. Between all the adults, there’s one anxious attachment and two fearful-avoidants 💔💔
You are resonating with me. I am a gay man and have not tried to meet anyone again for the past 2 years. I seemed to have met avoidant ones or narcissistic or very toxic. Last one lasted being a long distance relationship for 4 years with someone that started out wonderful but it became to toxic and unhealthy to the point I was doing everything to please him. I ignored the red flags when he could have been having fun. I do not know. I do not want to do that ever again. He gets in touch with me still sometimes but then he still ignores me. I know I should just forget about him and move on with my life. I am trying to do that. I do not want to do that again. I see that trend all my life as a boy trying to make friends with another boy and then as I became a man. I have that anxious attachment style. Trying to regulate and understand myself. I think in the gay world to me it is so much worse. I think the straight world is copying a little bit of the gay culture. I do not like the gay scene because it is too much in your face nastiness. So for two years almost now I am trying to get this and keeping to myself even among friends I grew up with and more. I like being alone now. I would like to meet someone romantic, loving, not toxic and someone not into body images or someone who is just into sex. I wanted a a friendship filled with romance. Not talking about other people negatively. I know that is hard to find in the gay world. i learned I rather be alone than with toxic people.
I would like you to know that you saved my life. You have pulled me out of a terrible place with your videos. Almost bitter that I didn’t find you a long time ago. Ifs and buts. Thank you. Please could you talk about experiencing multiple traumas when one is Enfp abandonment. Divorce. Broken.
❤ 15:32 i have a difficult time identifying with Anxious Attachment or Avoidant. But I do identify with this sentiment very much- the piece about a sense of chronic abandonment. Unpleasant emotions were not modeled for me or soothed in me by my caregivers. But I don't easily share my feelings with my attachment people like a classic Anxiously A person.I didn't assume i would get married as a kid bc marriage looked unappealing to me. I am shy. I am introverted and awkward. I have mild but persistent depression. I wish I could have spoken to my mother more freely about these issues. Unfortunately, she leaned very avoidant and she didn't want to have conversations about emotions or things in the past.
My god...this video is incredible. Exactly that, once I self soothed and healed I saw how warped my interpretations were...the beliefs I had of others' opinions of me. Also shame...that maybe I pushed my partner away. I dunno
I’ve wondered why I have this issue because I was not ever neglected as a child. My mother has this attachment style and I learned it from her. She is extremely co-dependent and it drives me crazy to this day. I am constantly thinking my husbands negative emotions are directed AT me when he’s just verbalizing and experiencing those negative emotions.
A lot of the time the issues are anger or sadness. Whenever I’ve expressed sadness, my mother acts like it’s an inconvenient annoyance, and basically says ‘go away’ with squirming body language.
Thank you for defining and explaining attachment styles so prolifically. I am new to these concepts and am very grateful for this content. Quick question, I know people love to talk about shame or guilt being the most difficult emotions to process or self regulate however, I am most struggling with the emotion of fear. I grew up in a violent home with 2 parents who absolutely refuse to acknowledge or take responsibility for what they did to their children (myself included). I lived in fear for my physical safety on a daily basis and watched my mother and sisters be beaten brutally and routinely. It was not uncommon for the police to come to our house for domestic violence growing up. I finally ran away when I was 17 and have had to overcome abandonment and poverty on my own with no resources human or otherwise. (my mom/siblings didn't come to my aid even though I waited for over 28 years) Subsequently, I still struggle with the emotion of fear. Fear for my health, safety, financial stability, etc. Can you talk about how to regulate this emotion? ty.
Hey Heidi! I love all your content so much. Have you watched Encanto yet? I think it deals so well with the portrayal of toxic family roles. I'd love to hear your take on it, if you were ever considering doing those "Therapist breaks down ________ movie" kinds of breakdowns.
I feel like I'm closer to secure type, but due to psychotherapy (regress to child-like state) and a specific difficult situation in last relationship I've started to feel and behave more like anxious type. Like just in half a year me and the way I relate to ppl changed a lot. Is it possible? The thing is, everytime I feel like I'm not myself and I need someone else to take care about my feelings/needs - I can find a thought like "this person can't survive w/o me taking care of them, I must take 100% responsibility about them and never hurt them", which was present before that my child-like feeling I describe. So it feels like losing myself and feeling helpless like a child is a consequence of me talking too much responsibility about others and feeling too much that the world is a too dangerous place (for others). Then i just can't handle that much responsibility on my own and start to yearn for help of others.
Parents on the hole look for I'm gonna meet your physical needs( clothes, housing food). But emotions and how to deal with them shouldn't be touched because they may be wrong or I have no clue of how to deal w emotional data. They simply don't have the tools. No one said be emotionally available except for the psychotherapist. Then even if you were emotionally present your child's genetic predisposition may have pushed them towards a particular style.
Thank you from the heart. Beautiful video, amazing detailed explanations. It's a hard journey for me to embrace my feelings but getting to know the backgrounds of them starts to make sense. Also realizing a healthy romantic relationship requires some sense too ^^
Wow. I never knew much about the attachment theory and watching this was like you were watching my current situation. I hope this can help my journey to heal after a 14 year failed marriage. Idk what to do with all these feelings 😢
Man I’m at the point where I want to cry. Every partner feels like they hurt me deeply. I definitely get way too attached and I probably pick shady people but they cut me so deep. I don’t know what to do at this point
I have been thinking the whole Disney fairy tale genre gives kind of an unhealthy model for children to learn and absorb. Disney is questionable in itself but when I hear the overly emotional music they use as background I feel concerned about the emotional manipulation & brainwashing of children. Eg the music for the current Little Mermaid movie. I particularly can’t stand the music for the Lion King anymore. I suspect the ‘establishment’ are very consciously trying to evoke & encourage anxious or other insecure attachment states in the entire population tbh, as it makes people easier to manipulate.
I doubt "the establishment" is anywhere near the monolith you seem to be implying here. Be aware that magical thinking actually leads towards conspiracy theories, not away from them.
Embaressing, but that people putting emotions in your head thing rang true. I somehow took it too the next level and thought other people would talk to me in my brain and then be all shook that they didn't seem to understand or remeber the progress we made in the "psychic" in my head conversation.
At the beginning of the video, I was shocked about how accurate this is, but by the end of the video, I was still amazed, but more... How do you say... anxious lol I just got out of a 2y relationship with an avoidant (I think?) and this played out like clockwork, what a bummer lol. I need to get myself together and learn how to deal with these emotions. I still feel a deep longing--even responsibility--to tell her about this and try and explain what's been happening to us... But I'm just going to leave it, we broke up for the second time like a week ago because she was being really distant and I was being too needy 👀 I think it's best to just leave it and work on figuring out my own issues so I can navigate future hurdles. I was pretty good about it when I dated others in the past, it's like my recent ex brought this out in me over the time we were together or maybe it was me? 😩I should go talk to a therapist and just get that over with lol. Great video, thanks 🫠
it feels like dying. my avoidant husband is out riding his mountainbike while Im drowning in a dark ocean alone. Im 50 years old man!!!! when will it stop hurting so much, this feeling of abandonment and no one to know or see or care?? Interdependent and self regulate and self soothe , it all just sounds like Im being my partner for him. why have partners then? what do they actually do? Im avoided, but im supposed to work it out myself anyways, but still be loving, attentive, and kind to him, to pull him back into me. Oh, and he will never address anything at all. What happens if I make it my mission to get well, be secure, or as i see it now: learn to be my own partner cuz thats what secure and healthy seems to be, not needing anyone and being totally ok when other people suck because you can now self regulate and self soothe, what happens if he doesnt get any type of grip on his avoidance? what can i look forward to in the never ending drama of what i should do to be happy, well, accepted, and loved?
theres just got to be at least one person on the earth who will love me that isnt me. or isnt someone i caused to exist like my kids. to die unknown, to have my life unrecorded by anyone but me, it just feels too awful, like im drifting into nothingness. outer darkness. its unimagionable.
I dont think mine had anything to do with my childhood, try about 50 break ups/dumpings over the last 15 years all proceeded with radio silence, not suprised the phone not ringing when it should is a trigger.....
I got separated from my husband wgen my son was 3 years old. The court ruled he has to live with his dad every other weekend. He hadn't developed any bond with his dad due to lacknof dad's interest when we lived together. Now, whenever he was told he will go to dad, he was so upset, it was hard to watch. Now he's 5 years old and whenever he returns from his dad, he's angry with me for letting him go. He would cry nonstop, would react hostile, not let comfort him, say he does not need any of us. It's devastating. I feel like we're crippling our son and i don't know what to do.
I struggled with it in every relationship but my last honestly. Saddest part my last one was cheating on me and a narcissist but i was single for 5 years prior and really focusing inward so im thinking ive made alot of progress.
My heart, realizing how much our trauma shows up in our kids and interaction. The toxic shame about having a mental illness and trying to reparentnyourself, your children, and your relationships can feel so defeating.
I always say childhood trauma creates adult dysfunction, as adults it's our jobs to try to kinda undue what was done to get on the right track to healthy attachments
18:45 Interestingly, this emotional self-harm is also pretty common in incel circles. They will post pictures of themselves on incel forums fully knowing that the other incels will roast them. It's a way to validate their pain with shame. It makes a lot of sense, since logically incels tend to be on the anxious side. There's also a correlation between inceldom and anxiety and/or ADHD.
I have commented on a couple of these so far.. I would say that since my mom qualifies as anxious that I have been attracted to anxious.. It really is breaking away from the anxious attachment for me.. I do not like being around it..
NOOOOOO! This is me I think. I avoid relationships because I am so anxious about partners attention, and yes, put myself right into the friendzone of the partners I say I am looking for. I also get angry when I don't feel seen by my close friends, or at work. Like I play music with my friends every week, and I feel pretty connected to them most of the time. But then if we play a gig, it's like attention goes from on one another, to being focused on the audience. Even the music feels like my bandmates aren't really listening and responding to me. I get super upset from that. I never realized that it is probably the anxious attachment style.
Can an avoidant parent make their child develop an anxious attachment style too ? I mean, by over-protecting their child, not letting them experience the world as dangerous it can be, showing them that they as parent have no needs and no vulnerability while being themselves incomfortable dealing with negative emotions (such as shame) ? Not only anxiously attached parents can provoke an anxious attachment style in their child, right ?
As I'm trying to heal from this, it seems that any future attempts to co-regulate will trigger flashbacks into anxious attachment. That doesn't sound like a fun future, but this present isn't fun either. Harumph, I say.
