How The Longing For Love Becomes Your Downfall 

fantastic progress! We're so proud of you! Julie@TeamFairy

W o aw ❤

Any recommendations on finding in person Coda meetings. Seems most are online. Happy for you finding good resources. Way to go!!

@crappychildhoodfairy can I ask what your mbti type as well as your husband??

are they still active? their website says 2022 guidelines and 2023 is nearly over .. ! i would love to join something like this

Me too.

Same, because it was a very valid fear. And it came true multiple times by the same guy. He discarded me multiple times throughout the relationship for trying to bring up any of my feelings with him. He discarded me again right before Christmas. I'm stuck living with him until I find a place to move to. I'm falling apart with depression and feelings of betrayal

@@BlinkinFirefly life sometimes can hit us very hard. We are shocked. We don't know what to do. It's bigger than us. We start to think we don't deserve it. And this is true. But then we find the light out of the tunnel, and we get back to smile again. It's temporary

Yup many put up with scraps of attention like a dog under the dinning table because we dont want to burn through our savings trying to find a job that isnt toxic and end up like those homeless ladies on the street with their shopping carts.. Its easy to criticize and say just go get a job, many jobs dont pay enough to pay your half of the rent or its a who you know world out there.. way back in 2008-2010 if you tried to find another job out there in many areas, there simoly are non unless you want to grid locked in traffic everyday. With that added stress.. its still stress.. just a different kind taking a toll on your life.. while it sounds like an excuse, I am just saying its not always so easy to just walk off and or break away from a relatinship. I am college educated I have a degree and for 10 years the only job I could land was beneath what I was doing before I got student loans!! So yeah I get the voice of reason coming in saying.. "Hey you may want to use some caution here" Unlike Rhonda Britten who encourages people to be reckless with being 100% fearless, you have to use caution.. even with a 5 year plan it doesnt always work out.. I have been through plan a, b, c, all the way up to F before I finally gave up and am trying to make the best of it..

@@Aluviel I completely relate to that fear of not being able to afford a new home. I'm in that exact boat. I was emotionally abused and neglected in the relationship, spoke up one too many times about it, got discarded, and now I'm scrambling to find anything affordable in this town. It's just too expensive. I'm already blowing through my money fast trying to get therapy to help me deal with the emotional turmoil of it all. On top of feeling stuck living with him, the narc started talking to and visiting a new supply. It's been so painful to witness and hear about, so now I hide from him completely and blocked him everywhere. I also just had a fallout with my sister, who was ignoring me the past two years because I wasn't "listening to her good advice". She kept sending me patronizing things like life-healing quotes and video clips, all the while completely ignoring my texts and phone calls and attempts to connect with her. I'm faced with moving to Idaho to live with my oldest sister who I barely know. I'm scared. I know it's my journey, but I'm scared.

Glad you are here now. Nika@TeamFairy

Everybodys timing for love is different. There are people who date and marry after 70. But first, love yourself❤❤❤❤

I wished too.."better late than never?" Is what i came up with to say to myself coz ouch!! Yes!! Meee too.. "here here"😊

Anna, thank you for all of these videos. They’re very helpful! I’m 64, at last living on my own. My life is still complicated but I’m not dating which is the way I like it.

I’m paying attention to the things I need to do grow up. I regard my talent and independence highly and intend to keep it.

You were heard🌹 me too

im learning to identify limerance as sign of a toxic connection that i need to keep away from me. Stable healthy good relationships dont have limerance. When somebody treats you right and meets your needs you dont feel limerance

Except it's not love ! It's a fantasy. An illusion. When I realised it was an illusion, it was so much easier to let go !

You got this! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Argg i wrote a paragraph long reply and an ad came on and it got deleted.. the gist of it was .. have you youtube searched "fearful avoidance" ? Feel free to disregard if it doesnt apply but what you describe sounds a little like what some folks in attachment style circles call "deactivation" .. also idk probs .. the idea that anyone is a hundred percent sure , all in , all tge time , is ..idk ..could it be a little perfectionistic? Just curious ..

Same here, thank you Anna ❤

Same. 👍Anna and Patrick both. Finally a list of to do's and acknowledgement and oh geez I'm tearing up. ❤

@helefa93 Hi! Welcome to the 30 club!! I read your comment and thought omg this sounds just like me. I am 31, and I would say 29 was my brutal prep year for 30. Everything changed at 30 like overnight, and it's as if the micro fibers of my DNA knew it, and 29 was all about going into insane painful hustle mode. I was full on out of my comfort zone for a year. It was one of my absolute roughest years to date by far. The pain of just trying to survive every day seemed to never end. 30 was a breakthrough, and 31 has been amazing! I've been single for over 2 years. Got out of a very long relationship. It was with a very good guy, but time apart gave me the perspective to see that the relationship was not serving me any longer in the higher purpose for my life, and I was stagnant for pretty much all of my 20s. He gave me something that I desperately needed at that time in my life and I will forever be grateful to him for his gentle love, security, and patience with me. I have been loving myself for over 2 years now and really figuring out who I am. Learning, changing, growing, becoming more happy, peaceful, kind, gentle, gracious, accepting, loving, omg so much healing and the hard work of learning to let things go and be at peace with them. I think I was getting whiplash from how fast things were changing in my life, just day to day on an evolutionary journey to becoming a much better person. There were so many days when things had turned the corner for me where I would wake up and go from laughing to crying like happy tears because I felt like I was finally taking care of myself and putting me first for the very first time in my life. And yes, I too still struggle with disregulation, and I'm aware of that, but I'm rebounding so much quicker now. I think I also feel a deep sense of responsibility to myself so I get up, dust off and move ahead much quicker than I ever did before. I still struggle with some overthinking, but I think that comes directly from my childhood and always being taught to second guess myself and that's actually a painful issue to try to deal with. I didn't want to date at all. I was way too overwhelmed at the thought of that, and it wasn't my focus. It would have just been a distraction from the work I was doing on myself, so thankfully, I was aware enough to know that. I was okay meeting people casually, just like a coffee date or brunch, but nothing serious or interested in dating. Now, I feel like I want a companion on this journey through life. Honestly, I'm so done with unfulfilling shallow garbage and people that are empty and bring no soul matter to the table. I, for real, am praying that the next person I date is the one I marry because I'm just done wasting time on people who are uninspiring and have no spark to their life. I want someone who challenges me every day to be the very best version of myself. I want to build an empire together with a best friend who isn't afraid to do big things in life, and all I see are empty people everywhere with no life goals. I definitely need someone who is mentally stimulating because I can be in my head a lot thinking about deep things. Now, the challenge of finding my life's companion begins. I'm still completely apprehensive about moving in and living together with someone. I think that would take a long time because I don't want to lose the woman I have grown into in someone else, and my CPTSD has an effect on that. I'm just so thankful to have arrived at this summit. It's only gonna keep getting better, and I'm totally sure of that. Maybe it's because I finally have confidence in myself and actually believe for once in my life that I can do anything. We're all in this together! I refuse to believe the future isn't going to be brighter than any days I've already lived. You've got this! Cheers on your journey to reaching your most amazing self, fellow traveler! 💕✨️🌠

@@yohannamueller yes yes yes can definitely relate. I'm not even sure if there was some subconscious thing that triggered it once I was 30 but it felt like an overnight shift. Right now I'm still happy being single and NOT ready to mingle haha but I think any future partner has got to bring me joy and playfulness. I figured out that fun is my love language and I've continuously gone down the boring, emotionally unavailable route with men, the last news also being violent. Coincidentally I've been performing a whole lot of compulsory heterosexuality and am realizing cis men give me the heebie-jeebies lol so I still got some trauma and sexual identity stuff to unpack and process before I even think about bringing someone back into my life. I kind of see people as stories and it feels like I finally have one myself and I'm working on the plot and character development 😂

~Yep!~Wine encouraged me to do things like that, too, and i quit as well, and am glad!~Congrats to you!!!~

😢

That’s worse that feeling lonely. When your with someone and still lonely.

17 years of that. I’m homeless My family turned from me I’m sleeping at a frozen lake. Still glad we’re divorced

😞😥

@@zippermonster9596your wisdom shines through. Sending you love. 💕

If you require only a little something then you’re probably only ever going to receive “a little something”. I sense you deserve a whole lot more. Don’t we all!?

Same here. My ex used to taunt me by saying “you just want a rich guy” when I’d tell him my love language was gift giving BECAUSE I GIVE SO MUCH MYSELF. It’s not even about the gender roles “men need to be providers” thing for me as much as I need a generous partner because I’m so generous, I’ve been taken advantage of for that so much.

Soooo true. Men need to show they ate willing to b sacrificial

I don't pay FOR ANY dates with women... coz once I'm in a relationship I need to feel like the women is with me for more then just a paycheak. Men should never be sacrificial, it is not a gift to spend time with you, its either equally valuable to you both are it should never happen to begin with. Men should never give women anything until they earn it. You are not owed anything by just saying the word yes.

I totally get that.

So glad you found & are using the tools! Thanks for sharing this with us. Julie@TeamFairy

Well done you! Anna has helped me understand my fawning and limerance too. We can find a healthy relationship! Woohoo for us!

That's amazing, I love when people do the work and they start to see the results.❤

I always took the underdog under my wing as well…it comes from the fact that we know just how painful it is to be mistreated.

Today I am a 67 y/o woman who chooses to live alone and remain alone. Life experiences with a mother who pretty much took all her frustrations out on me, never nurtured me, always attacked me either physically or verbally and a nice enough father who just couldn’t bring himself to defend me, has left me sad even to this day, and I pretty much became the scapegoat for the whole family. I’m scapegoat no longer and I have finally found some peace in knowing now it wasn’t my fault which I had believed for so long. I surround myself with animals, and have very little contact with people.

@@interrupted9671 I get you. I'm alone with my cat, and that's enough.

@@interrupted9671 We all have our reasons for being here but I was late in realizing that the only source of unconditional love was NOT from humans, especially not from any man made religion which seem to just not have the first clue: but from animals. Consider: humans have taken dozens of species from the wild and earned, even bred in, their trust of us. It's there for the taking. It's a resource that in too many cases goes untapped. Go get it. "You deserve what you tolerate" someone said. You deserve the best. So why settle for less.

@@wmfife1 I don’t know you, but I really like you!

Me too 😢

I wish I was afraid to be alone…. I am afraid I will end up in a sh1tty relationship again…I have been single for over 10 years

Believe me! It's far, far better to be alone than with the wrong person or people!! Become your own best friend, learning to cherish your alone time first! It's crucial to open your heart to the love within, and the love of God. Nurture and cherish those relationships above all! Fortify yourself,then...expand. Learn your true worth and value! "You were bought and paid for, not with something that ruins like gold or silver, but with the precious, priceless blood of Christ who was like a pure, perfect lamb." 1 Peter 1:18. Let that immeasurable love drench your cherished soul, as angels guard your sleep. "You are the bride for whom Jesus longs.... You have captured the ❤ of God!" (Max Lucado) Read the gospel of John and ask Him to make Himself real to you, and He will. He promises! And your life will NEVER be the same! "If with ALL your heart you truly seek Me, you will surely find Me!" Jeremiah 29:13

both are very understandable fears!

Yeah, so am I. I'm old enough to realistically fear that.

A lot of women find relationships very difficult. I believe when you are young, boyfriend or ex sees you with another man and jump to conclusions. Only by honest, open communication is there transparency and understanding of others. I not believe we go out to intentionally hurt others. In my life other than actions of ignorance I have always been the person supporting others.

So sad. I wish you all the best.

Wow that’s terrible. I’m sorry you had that happen to you as a child.

Hi Frank, it's very encouraging and validating message to write. As a woman, I thank you for simple and straight to the point advice At the same time, I'd like to remind you that everyone are special and unique. So far, you're the first man, that I came across, to express what you did :) and it's valuable regardless of brushed (or not) teeth

It's usually never about the guy, there's underlying trauma and human emotional needs that need to be met - a mix of plenty things

It's usually never about the guy, there's underlying trauma and human emotional needs that need to be met - a mix of plenty things

You are not really a dime a dozen at all. Yeah, we can get sex from almost any of you. But being bonded with a man? Truly caring for him and being attracted to him? It's no easier for us than it is for you guys.

Yeah, I don't know what that guy is talking about. A great man is rare and valuable. Same as a great woman.

The first part for me …

Thank you for watching! Nika@TeamFairy

Yep

Limerence is obsessive and doesn’t respond to new information that indicates y’all could never have a future.

Thank you for watching. If you'd like to ask Anna a question, here's how to do it: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

yes.

Same

Good point! What’s interesting is the BFF can be same sex. My ex BF had this close friend who was an “ugly” human inside and out (morbidly obese, alcoholic, misogynist, racist) and he idolized this guy?!! They worked together… the stuff that would come out of that man’s mouth heavily influenced my BF who was passive, quiet, empathetic and kind… but this was also a red flag. 🚩 In some way my BF wanted to “save” him but deep down something abt this guy resonated with my ex. I think deep down my BF “mask” covered something dark that lurked underneath. Maybe he agreed with the racist misogyny he spewed but my BF couldn’t express it… When we broke up it hurt bc we really connected soulfully when we were 1:1 but I then I considered as long as that man is in his life, he will dominate my ex BF’s thinking and give him sh*t advice.. misery loves company and this dude was a living-breathing example of that.

This is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard! Hope you’re over him!

Anna is not a therapist, but I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

​@misspeach3755 employed adult extroverts with a mature social circle will likely have one or two entanglements. But people have a right to search for people with similar personalities and values.

​@@misspeach3755this is sexism

It took me 5 year's to finally wake up and admit I was choosing to settle for a narcissist. We can't continue to blame our toxic partner once our intuition alerts us of the red flags. The longer you stay the longer it will take you to try to recover from the bread crumbing abuse. I've been single for almost 4 year's now. In all honesty I'm not anywhere near healed. I feel permanently damaged. Get out of that situation ASAP. You deserve better.

We're all here to support you :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you. I have too much trauma to ask for help, plus can I actually be “glued” back together.

❤❤❤❤❤

Send a final heartfelt @&$# off before you delete him.Yeesh that awful.

He is disrespecting you terribly! Please delete him and don't give him the time of day much less anything else. You know that's the right thing! Be strong. You deserve better and better will come along. ❤ ❤ ❤

He is sadistic...he is so abusive way past a jerk...never be so lonely or depressed that you allow yourself to put up with that...here's something you can tell him " you have been getting material from him for a book you're writing and you have enough so you don't need to deal with him anymore which is good because he's a mess!!! You can do this and it will feel so good...Do this for yourself and for others who have been hurt...I believe in you, Have Fun!

Good for you. Out at the first red flag. Well done.

There’s dysfunctional German families…I know, I’m from one!!

I acknowledge. If you reverse the sexes in the letters and reactions, I recognise a lot.

And it is also a guide for behaviour to avoid. As a warning to always be completely honest.