How To Create DESIRE In A Long-Term Relationship | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes 

100% agree there is no one and only. That said, unconditional love definitely exists. It exists for your children, mother, father, sister, brother, dog, cat and yes your life partner. The issue is the definition of love itself in popular culture has been corrupted. Lust, romance, attraction, pleasure, sex is not love. Confusing these terms is creating mass misery. Love is unconditional appreciation and acceptance of another soul. Reducing it to an orgasm or butterflies is fun in the moment but unfulfilling in time because that is a lower vibration. Real love, leads to real heart felt joy and peace in the deepest aspects of our souls. Nothing wrong with a romantic passionate experience but that is not love. Long term relationships must be built on stone, not quicky sand.

The other major change within the last generation is how long we stay with one company. Our village keeps changing because we keep changing jobs. Everything is becoming more superficial including our work and social relationships so we lean in on the one who is still there. We need the village, and we need stability in those social relationships if we keep changing jobs or industries.

I love the theme of flipping the focus on one’s self internally than outward toward the other. Not selfishly but as a way to clarify the essence of a relationship.

If it’s just the two of us, I can always blame you. If it’s a community, I have to be accountable to everybody else too.

Thies Woman deserves Standing Ovations👏👏👏👏 Thank you so much

Just wow! I’ve seen dozens on videos if not hundreds regarding this topic but this one seems to hit really deep and feels profound!🙏Thank you!

But Lewis, thank you so much for this interview, it's an interesting perspective and you are a genius of a journalist, I have so much respect for you! And wish you so much luck and love!

Great advice liberating, so true Live life in the moment, things change people change

Thank you Esther. You are brilliant and wise. I learned so much. And thank you Lewis for your excellent interview.

So spot on! This lady! Today's world so much more to deal with!! Exhausting / exhilerating - depends how much you want out of life.

Wow … This blew me away . I feel as though many of these points exits in my present relationship ; which is FAR more enjoyable and fulfilling than any that I’ve experienced in my past … Thank you 🙏

Curate a portfolio of relationships which contribute to life in different ways. But that special one for the deepest connection of all is the whole premise of why we are viewing here to learn how to build such a deep running and long lasting one.

Having a community around me has been the best thing in my life!! It feeds my soul... and has been good for me in my relationship with my BF, and he's good with it. 😊

Esther is amazing. Love the wisdom she shares with her captivating charm!

Hey Lewis, I just need to say how good the lighting is on your videos.

Perfect questions and answers and comments too❤

Foundation and wings sounds good to me, it takes 2 people that truly want to be there and putting the work in to maintain it by being honest to what they truly want from the beginning and no hidden agenda, that’s why most relationships don’t work. People hidden agenda could be for financial or other family related matters, etc 😅

"a Home is a foundation with wings" ~ Esther Perel

Priceless sensibilities and wisdom! Wonderful conversation. Things I wish I knew, say ..…. 30+ years ago. Let’s see if ‘never too late’ holds up in this awakened chapter of my life. ❤. Thank you for your brilliant content!

I've never experience anyone ever express it so clearly.. i absolutely love everything you said and relate with it Thank you!!

Yes. I have had a lot of mental disagreement with the word "soulmate" As human beings our wants/desires are infinite, never-ending. To have too many expectations from another person is to set yourself up for disappointment. Soulmate is not a person! It is the quality of experience we have with a person.

Great content. I was a confirmed bachelor and never wanted children then I had one, a daughter. I changed without even trying and suddenly the things I pursued become just things that really didn't matter.

To desire someone or something is to be subject to that desire. I’d rather be free from desire. This way when a person or thing is added to you, you are grateful and can appreciate it fully. No matter if it brings suffering or pleasure. You win/grow either way.

Her perspective and wisdom are distinctly influenced by the fact that she looks at American culture from an outside pov. So she can call us out on our ridiculous myths and entitlement.

Wow!!!!!! Did I need this video today.

Good conversation romantic unconditional love is very difficult to establish, but research findings indicates it's very real and for the few who have found it. They know it takes time...

Great advice!!

One question: why people, without ever having an experience of having a single person for all our major needs, are still longing for it? Can we all want the same thing, just because we are ready to give it? I do not need a whole village in my partner - a dentist, a farmer and a doctor, but I do want a lover and a friend. A friend can share with you a lot of things, compared to a colleague or a parent or an acquaintance, plus I want my partner to want me physically. It's not a lot to ask from a person! And it's not a lot to give either!

👌🏿🙌🏽❤️thank you for this lovely interviews!!

Well thought and spoken. ... I will come back and watch it several times.

great video, but it seems the question in the title has NOT been directly answered

I love Esther Perel ❤

Wonderful, amazing coaching. With charme, remarkable. Thank you very much, merci beaucoup Ester, c'êtait magnifique!

She’s a beautiful a jewel …. This interview is Powerful…..absolutely brilliant….filled with incredible insight, clarity, wisdom, and truth….. I wish everyone could hear and learn from Esther, an absolute Gift! Thank you both for this Interview it’s all Wonderful Insights, we’re never done learning…. Very Grateful

Pure wisdom.

She just confirms what I’ve learned by the time I hit 54!

I wished that the olden days were still valued 🙏

Powerful message!

It's always a pleasure to see Esther wish it was longer

This was a beautiful conversation

So beautifully articulated...

Yes ! To everything she just said so refreshing !

Everything is easy...just find someone that brings you peace and vice a versa😌.

Thank you! // How do we find this game you show on the table??

Wonderful description. Thank you.

Yes the one and only is a myth! You chose somone and become 'contented' with them. This can happen several times in a lifetime! We mould our connections to that person. The most wonderful and satisfying experience in life.

Wow. I am astounded by her wisdom.

She is sooo cool! So fresh

Wholesome interview

I wish more people watching this

I can fall in love with different men I date. The one who is in alignment with my purpose and have a similar vision of the future is who I am after… :)

Love your interviews so insightful subscribed

Thank you! So helpful

Once again the lady makes sense.

Love you Ester Perel!!!

VERY INTERESTING 🤗

Such a great interview !

They make me happy means I am happy to share my joys with them. Sharing is a part of happiness. Everyone who understands our passions and can be motivated by the same things that we are, there is a high level of reciprocity in expectations. Let's just say it this way: with some people it's easier to do things just because they want and value the same. And with others, who have a different vision of life, different values and different preferences, it"s just impossible to get along. Why complicate the things so much as to go and say there is no perfect person for us and you should try hard in any relationship. Seems like Esther perel has never just had a true love story. I mean, I understand, we all get what we get, but why destroy the reality of so many happy couples that just get along so well and make each other happy with much less effort than the others.

Agreed.

This woman is genius.

Beautiful!

The notion of unconditional love is a myth. That sums it up

Amazing! I wish I was educated earlier

Brilliant! I love this ❤

Honestly this clip doesn’t really address the issue in the title.

@4:51 diversify, because "the one and only" for everything means "best friends, romantic partners, lovers, confidants, parents, intellectual equals, business partners, career coaches, I mean - you name it. And I'm like, seriously?". Don't treat people as products. You'd look for the best product.

can not wait

This’s just as important to be taught in schools like sex education

Love ti!

Hi Im still at 8:52 But the belief that the purest example of true love that I never realized that was in front of me growing up is was my parents. Imagine loving a whole different person who you have to raise and be responsible for without ever knowing who it is from the ground up... Is terrifying(well for me) And when that person becomes another capable human? You still love and support it without question. I dont know if that is passion as well(cause passion for me means youre willing to suffer for it. Whatever it is 🤷🏻‍♀) I never knew someone who discusses love in this way would make me evaluate life growing up. Damn ;-> This episode was so enlightening Mr. Howes. Thank you (灬♥ω♥灬)

Very good.

She is absolutely, scientifically, accurate about everything she said. This is what life is about!

The wisdom of this content is a catalyst for personal evolution. A similar book I read opened new pathways for exploration. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

Esther mentioned a sociologist at 7:00 but I can't catch the name... Anyone know it?

One can watch this for months on end… but if your partner does not know about this guidance and advice and never works on himself it is lost… how do I get him to want to work on himself?

What the Word for feeling Joy of someone’s else Joy called ? Comporsion?

0:11 my past 🤦🤦🤦🤦

Knowledge is power why? Well!! Simply because Learning never exhausts the mind.” “Knowledge is a weapon. I intend to be formidably armed Why? Simply because Knowledge, like air, is vital to life. Like air i should not denied it Knowledge has a beginning but no end.” However Knowledge has to be improved, challenged, and increased constantly, or it vanishes.” This is why I’m an eternal student = eternal learner =eternal learn and filter information Why??? Well !!! simply because In the Information Age, the first step to sanity is FILTERING. Filter the information: extract for knowledge. Filter first for substance. Filter = Take what is good and throw what’s bad Love from a beautiful timeless bellissima lady full of class and elegance and grace and finesse ❤ Many thanks ❤️👍👌❤️..

I have a few questions .

There was wisdom. And the wisdom wasn’t just about preventing unwanted pregnancy. We might have more technology, but we are not as wise. We’ve lost knowledge and wisdom about human relationships.

If it’s “purely physical“ then average very nice and successful looking people are SOL. The beautiful erotic connection should be the fruits of a deeper and more meaningful connection based on identifying someone who is worth knowing, who you get to know, who you like, and who you wish to initiate a relationship with that grows from something small to something meaningful based on values ultimate leading to intimacy.

Thoughts are Spiritual Conversations. WORDS are the Window Through Which Thoughts become actions. Actions are Manifested Motives. Thoughts trigger Emotions. Emotions are the Language of the SOUL. Emotions emit a frequency called Feelings. Feelings are the Language of Frequency. Emotions regulate Mood. Mood mitigates what a person is motivated to do. Mood is the messenger of the SOUL. Imagination is the conjuring of WORDS as pictures. Desire is the process of bringing one's imagination to it's boiling point. Passion is the Pinnacle of one's desire. Obsession is the object of one's passion. Obsession is the fire that consumed one's Time. Ultimately, you will only be remembered for your Obsession.

I always have believed what she is saying maybe not consciously but people who go thru life looking for that "one and only" are delusional. Furthermore people, both men and women never put the same criteria on themselves they expect of others in a lot of cases. As far as people changing. Yea they change , they get worse

It's actually a fascinating contrast between the American concept of 'What about me?' and a wider world idea of 'What about you?'....

There is no one and only

Could be an interesting perspective. What are if it’s not.? What if you suck? (Have never been through intense life matters?)

When The love is gone from Your woman there is nothing You Can do to get The original love back it’s sad and hard to discover you just have to move on let go of her - it Will hurt but you Will be fine again !

I was following and absorbing, until she said unconditional love doesn't exist. You can absolutely love someone and who they sre, yet not personally be ok or have some incompatibility. If it's not a personal core issue/deal breaker it's just fine👍

Why go out of one’s way to make someone desire us? If there is no sign of interest or initial contact, why bother with it? I’m just There are no benefits of desiring someone who doesn’t feel the same. Why not just let them be? Let’s talk about it.❤️✌🏾🙏🏾

Wow what truth bombs she dropped there.

Unconditional like is a myth. Unconditional love most definitely exists.

❤❤❤

I prefer Gabor Mate.

Before our moden way of seeing love and relationship was created, each relationship started with sex and physical desire, it is anthropological proven? Today we are not happy because we start relationship without "chemistry". And meet someone who we really desire is to be extremely privilege.

Soulmate is Buddha to be honest

🎉

It’s about seeing each other nude and why keep going if you don’t like them nude I think

Hey, just think about this! It’s a lesson in how to manipulate, deceive, lie and cheat, wrapped up in a patina of “normality”!

Unconditional love is a myth... (?)

Isn't this talk ambivalent like a relationship.