How To Help A Child With Selective Mutism 

Please be careful, Dr. Jenkins and others who interact with those with SM, with your definitions and descriptions. SM is an anxiety disorder that is largely genetic -- it is NOT developed by some "trauma trigger" and it is NOT a child willfully refusing to speak. My daughter is one of thousands who claims she wants so, so desperately to talk, but the anxiety literally shuts her down. It is a chemical reaction in the brain and not something she can control. Of course I believe she has the power to choose to make small brave steps towards communication and eventually speech, but trying to force or bribe a child to speak in the way you've described can actually be harmful to their progress and even their emotional state. You do offer some sound tips in saying we need to offer them opportunities to face their fears, we should tone down our reactions, etc. but the examples given here likely only work for those with mild SM. My daughter would literally starve to death before being able to order her own food. She would bleed to death before telling someone she's injured. Her anxiety is that severe! It is crazy. So no, I do not believe she sees this as "avoidance that paid off" or that she "knows this is working for (her)." For those looking for reliable, research-based information on Selective Mutism, please start with selectivemutism.org, childmind.org, or selectivemutismcenter.org. I do appreciate what you are trying to do, Dr. Jenkins, but prefacing your video with an admission you "kind of accidentally fell into an area of expertise I didn't expect" and following it up with misinformation and misconceptions doesn't convince me you really know what you're dealing with here.

I would ask that parents who believe their child has selective mutism find a different video to watch. Describing selective mutism as a 'choice' is very misleading and unhelpful for both the person suffering from it and for those around them who wish to help and are struggling to understand it. My personal belief is that selective mutism IS an anxiety response in the brain which prevents speech. What it absolutely ISN'T, is somebody refusing to speak out of shyness or rudeness. I have at times been desperate to speak but felt physically incapable of doing so. To my knowledge, the science of the brain is still little understood however, progress is being made here all the time. I'm confident that in some years time there will be more understanding and awareness of this subject, what brain chemicals etc. create the problem and therefore how to remedy it. In the meantime may I suggest that we celebrate the strengths that selective mutes offer to society. I would guess that selective mutes are probably better listeners than most and may be very sensitive of other peoples' awkwardness in social situations. They must also be among the most strong and resilient of people because dealing with this problem on a daily basis is surely tiring and esteem sapping. Please note that I do not pretend to be an expert on the subject of selective mutism and can only speak of my own experience with it.

I was a child with selective mutism and its true that everyone making such a big deal about when I spoke freaked me out so badly. There were many times I did want to say something but I wouldn't for that very reason. I would even cry when my family sang me happy birthday. Here I am today a 42-year-old woman who overcame it and now I have a 10-year-old son who struggles with selective mutism but he is getting over it too. It's 100% anxiety driven. Great video!

Kids with SM do NOT choose to not talk. It is an anxiety disorder on a continuum. It is largely genetic and present from infancy. It is NOT a traumatic response, from poor parenting or any other single reason that "triggers" the experience.

I am in my 50's now but as a child I had some form of selective mutism.. although they didn't refer to it as that back in my school days. I always hated other classmates and teachers who attempted to "help" me speak. It just made my anxiety so much worse and made me feel just awful. I always hated when my quietness was noticed and announced in public. So many times I heard.. oh.. you are so quiet.. do you speak? My school years were really miserable because of it. Its good to see there are people who actually understand it now and help children to overcome it in a healthy way.. I sure wish I had that kind of help back then.

I nearly didn't watch this video, until watching my kids interact in public I realized that they both do this. Boy have I got my work cut out for me. Thank you so much for the practical (and sometimes difficult) advise.

Totally agree. My son has Selective Mutism. He’s in 2nd grade. I feel there’s a genetic component. My brother had it too. Many in our family struggle with either anxiety or depression. My brother slowly got over it. In jr high and high school he was fine. Never super talkative. He’s no 30 and totally functional. He just got out of the Army not long ago and is an electrical engineer. Hoping my son gets over it soon. Its been hard on him, me and his teacher. My son is quite bright and knows computers and technology and speaks very well everywhere else except school.

Sorry, me again. Having calmed down a little, I can acknowledge that there are many helpful things to try in this video. However, I still feel that the video comes at selective mutism from a 'spoilt/silly child' angle and lacks any kind of empathy or understanding of why selective mutes behave the way they do. Like many mental/brain health issues selective mutism is treated so differently from any physical ailment. Of course , you don't clap, cheer and congratulate someone for overcoming their speech problems in the same way that you don't whoop and cheer when they go to a chemist and take antibiotics and overcome the flu - it would be patronising and implies that they're choosing to do 'better'. When you say that selective mutes are usually quite bright, I think you may be right and when you use bribery to get them to speak, it is seen through, and may have the opposite effect from that which you intend ie. anxiety breeds a need to experience control and a stubborn refusal to meet your expectations may set in as a result. I wonder whether, as a parent, just talking with your selective mute child about what you're going to do as a parent (ie. not get the ice cream unless they order it) and why might be better than what appears in the video to be an unsubtle manipulation that parents and doctors/therapists can giggle over! Again, I acknowledge the practical ideas in the video as very useful and am just asking that the subject be treated with a less trivial delivery. In directing the video towards people who want to help selective mutes, I think more care should be given to the needs and feelings of the selective mute. I applaud all wishes to help, but a more sensitive understanding of selective mutism needs to be demonstrated first.

Just found this looking for help with my teen daughter who's only just been diagnosed with SM. I was a little disappointed with the definition of SM being a childs CHOICE to not speak. My daughter is pained that she 'can't ' speak in certain situations. She wants to desperately but just can't. It's not by choice at all, and no amount of persuasion or force will make it happen. If anything it would make it worse.

This is prefect for a friend of mine. I sent it to her and her mom. I REALLY hope her mom watches and listens to it and follows what you say.

as a server, I feel sooooo bad for the child. And I feel uncomfortable in that situation. It all depends on the energy of the parent in this process. When the parent is demanding, i see the kid become more anxious. Every child has different needs. People that experience selective mutism are very sensitive. I now understand why parents do this at restaurants now. Thank you for the new perspective. I experienced this myself and occasionally in adulthood in extremely stressful situations. I actually became a server to help myself get over this. I knew practice would help me in other situations and I am too much of a perfectionist to not try my best in my job. As a person that experienced selective mutism and works with children this is an awesome video!

Many thanks ! It's so dificult to get information about that here in Brazil. Congrats for your work. Quality ✌

Dr Paul, my 7 yr old daughter says that the only thought that goes on in her mind when someone approaches her wit a question is that, how wil the other person react/ respond to her...she tunes into the other person wondering what they are expecting from her, what they might be thinking, mosy importantly how surprised they might get to hear her answer them...so if shes answering a complete stranger the anxiety is lesser compared to a known person to whom she has not answered earlier...my daughter is otherwise v bold, positive and confident person...but, she just cant get over these thoughts which envelop her when she has to speak...anticipation of other persons reaction (expecting that the other person might get surprised) is the only thing that stops her from speaking... pleaaaase can you make a video which we can show to kids with selective mutism (something which involves role plays etc as you are so good at expressions and immitating others)..a video which my kid can relate to and watch and give her some tips to handle other persons reactions and continue the conversation despite the reaction ( as we cannot control the world/ others emotions, it is best if she learns what to do when she gets these thoughts)..

If I wait for my kid to order she would starve. This video might work for some. However, this video doesn't work for all. I do however appreciate the attempt to provide information.

I feel there are a few good and bad points in this video...First, it isn't a choice. At all. You mentioned the Fight or Flight responses but didn't consider the third, Freeze. I believe Selective Mutism comes from the Freeze response. When the anxiety is so intense a persons body literally freezes. A child (or adult) with selective mutism, physically can't talk so please don't say it's a choice. Secondly, your whole attitude about it...you came across as very patronising. The whole ice cream thing doesn't sit well with me either...I'm sure it could work for some children but I fear it could have the opposite effect on others. I think my Selective Mutsim came from an intense fear of getting things wrong. If my mum had tried this out I would have felt an enormous sense of frustration at being unable to communicate what I wanted. But instead of working harder to overcome it, I likely would have withdrawn myself further, seeing it as a failure. Remember, Selective Mutism isn't a choice. The words I want to say are right there in my head but the anxiety is so intense they physically won't come out. You not letting a child choose their own ice cream because of this seems more like a punishment. I feel a better way to tackle Selective mutsim is to reduce the anxiety and pressure to speak. Start small. Maybe encourage your child to talk to you in places they don't usually talk. Play word games and slowly bring in a friend. I did see a couple of good points though. Especially the whole not making a big deal out of it part. This is very true. I remember getting very tense when I was able to talk and the people around me would act shocked and surprised. A little well done to reinforce that I did a good job was all it took for me to feel proud or my achievement. Like you said, practice is very important too. Small steps and don't rush. I think it's also true about it becoming a habit. It needs to be sorted out quickly because it can easily remain a problem growing up into an adult. I never had help as a child and I still struggle now as a 27 year old adult.

would love to try the tips. thank you!

I had severe SM and beat it at age 13 on my own. Everything this guy describes about selective mutism is absolutely correct from my experience. The only critique I have is that some people with SM, including myself, were so stubborn that any amount of coercion would be in vain I think. I suppose I might have cracked if I was pressed regularly, particularly as a young child, the way the presenter describes. However, all the conversation and interventions I received did not sway me in the slightest. My SM definitely felt involuntary, but I did eventually beat it-so it can’t be 100% involuntary. It took a lot of courage and I went for very small goals at first and now I’m as recovered as a person can be I think.

Thank you so much!!! Very helpful!

Hi Dr. Jenkins, love your videos. Would you guys make a video on handling older children who hit parents and how parents can handle the situation

The most ridiculous video EVER... My child doesn't CHOOSE not to talk..

You’re a wonderful empathetic teacher. Thank you.

I don’t like the way selective mutism is described. Selective implying I’m able to talk when I want to. The reality for me growing up was that I desperately wanted to talk but was literally unable to.

That's so helpful thanks so much!

Recent studies show many of these kids suffer from hyperacousia, as did mine who had super grades but suffered a lot at school. Accomodations may need to be made, ie. quiet time, earplugs in noisy spaces if desired and discussion with the teacher. These kids may be literally traumatised by their own voices since their brains can’t filter sound normally, and have much difficulty hearing conversation in noisy settings which can effect social development at school. These kids require understanding.

As an anxiety disorder it is not willful. These children are stuck and would love nothing more than to be as “normal” as everyone else. Please look into revising your findings on this area prior to posting this kind of video by getting in touch with the Smart Center in Pennsylvania or NYU.

He describes my kid exactly in the video. Will try his suggested technique.

Ph. D. or not, the facts are not all straight here. To begin with, "selective" does NOT mean "when I want to." It means "in specific situations." The name was changed years ago from "elective mutism" specifically because it was found not to be a choice of when the sufferer wanted to speak. Think of the term "selective herbicide." It's an herbicide that kills some plants but not others (for example, broadleaf plants but not grasses). Neither the herbicide or the plant is making a conscious choice. The word "selective" is being used in the same sense with selective mutism. It kills the person's ability to speak in some environments but not others. The name is not intended to imply that the person with SM can pick and choose when the disorder interferes with his or her life.

Its not a choice not to talk. its a huge misconception and from someone who says they have become an expert should know this.

I have selective mutism and I choose to talk but I feel scared for some reason. I know they wouldn't hurt me. I used to be in a small school before when I was kinder, when I grew to grade 1 that's when it hit me. The new school was so big and i was so scared I won't know where my classroom is and I won't have friends. So I moved to a smaller school and nothing has seemed to change I made a story for my class because i wanted to be normal so i spent all weekend making it. When i had to read it in front of the class i just felt frozen and could not do anything. My body couldn't move I was so scared I ran away.

I have selective mutism & having selective mutism is not fun.

It's a faulty fight or flight response! I'm an adult with S.M.I suspect I have Autism which social anxiety disorder is very common in.

I know that there are plenty of other comments that are similar to what I’m about to say, but this video really upset me on a personal level. I do believe that there are some good tips in here, but a lot of the things that you are saying can be detrimental in helping a child through selective mutism. One of the most harmful is the way you defined it “Sometimes I don’t want to speak” as someone with experience working with children who struggle with selective mutism, you should know how problematic it is to misinform parents who don’t know how to help their children. The official definition is: A childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's INABILITY to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings. You minimizing the shear terror involved does absolutely nothing to help educate people on how to work with family members who struggle with SM. This is something that I struggled with my the majority of my life, and my mom went to talked to multiple pediatricians that just told her that I was “Painfully shy” and that she just needed to encourage me to “use my voice”. The way they went about it was incredibly similar to your ice cream example. What did it do? It made me feel like I was letting my parents down, like when I didn’t get the thing that I couldn’t ask for, I was being punished for something that I physically couldn’t do. I appreciate that you are trying to educate people on the topic. But because of the way my mom was told to handle It, this was something that I struggled with until I was in my early twenties. Yes you need to encourage them to face their fears. However, when you make it seem like they’re being punished for something they can’t help, for most kids all it does it make them more frustrated with themselves.

I think his advice are pretty useful. You have to motivate the child to overcome this fear. He also says that the child does not enjoy not being able to talk so the parent has to help... not dealing with it and just accepting it and saying he /she will grow out of it will result in those adults who are commenting below at age 20 or 30 that they have had this condition for theire life.. I am sure they did not enjoy it. They are probably be able to live with it. And yes they may be smarter , because no enery is going away for speaking.

Thank you imensely sir

What should I do if my son doesnt want to say hello or goodbye to his friends and teacher at kinder. He does sometimes but not all the time.

Is it possible that you can have selective mutism and dyslexia? I can't read to well

Dr. Paul, your videos are great ! What if a child thinks that the demand (in this video, speak for themselves) is too pricey to have their wishes met. And in consequence they are no longer interested in ice-cream (as strange as it sounds) or whatever else they wanted just a minute ago. And the same pattern goes on and on. Is there any way to pass business here ? Lower the cost ? Stay firm (and loving, of course..)? Thanks

So my son doesn't talk anytime he's introuble when he does speak it's muttering or lying. He puts the blame on everyone else. This is why I did it they did this. Or I was angry at mom so I didn't listen. Or she did it so I did it so I did it. How do I combat both both with out anger I get so frustrated when he chooses not to answer

Having direct experience with trauma and working as a Family Violence Specialist, I find this advice disheartening but not uncommon. If a child has experienced repeated abuse, staying silent can become a way to protect themselves. While forcing a child to speak, before addressing trust issues can potentially retraumatise.

This makes me so angry. They DO NOT choose not to talk!!

I highly disagree with this video, not an accurate description or cause for selective mutism

I'm 15 and it got worse for me I used to be brave and talk short talk But now I still do short talk but always depressed about not talking more... My parents told me I would grow out of it but is that actually right ? Cuz I have a feeling it won't...

what if its a teenager and he just refuse to speak to the parent only

Can a two year old have this my kid isn’t shy he. Would just rather grunt

#ToGetherWeCanDefeatSelectiveMutism #StayStrong #YouAreNotAlone :)

Best video on selective mutism i ve ever come across (trust me i have watched so many videos, read all materials on this subject)...very practical tips for my very practical daughter...keep the drama low is a good one....my 7 yr old is able to talk in front of anyone loudly in my presence (earlier she was afraid of her voice being heard)...if she is asked a question she turns to me and answers it...i just repeat her answer politely...or say something like "oh you are telling aunty that...." should i continue this or should i tel her outright that she needs to look at the other person and acknowledge them...on one hand i feel shes getting spoilt by this habbit and doesnt answer anyone when i am not there and does not speak in school...on the other hand i feel that i will be discouraging her from expressin herself...atleast now shes feeling comfortable with her voice being heard and expressing herself in front of others (though in my presence)... wat is your opinion...

Hi, I enjoyed the video and I would like Dr Jenkins or someone who reviews this comment to give advice. I don't expect a diagnosis by any means but simply direction and I will try to use your methods described in the video. I have a 2 year old (turning 3 in about 3 weeks) and we found that he has had several ear infections, and each time they have been treated accordingly. We decided due to the # of ear infections as an infant and his recent infection that he is going to have tubes implanted which is about 12 minute minor surgery (something I had as a child and I am perfectly normal) : ) Also I hope it will help a minor speech delay. He's a smart kid, but I do have anxiety because lately when we are in public places he simply responds by nodding his head, instead of saying "yes" or "no", and becomes essentially non-verbal. However if he is in the car he seems to respond by saying, "Yes" and "no" and speaks just as a 2 year old would. I may be over thinking it and hope he grows out of it but it's a cause of concern. If someone can assist, or respond back I will immediatly respond back. I hope it's a phase, as I was told I was about 4 year old when I spoke just a couple words and had numerous ear infections and ended up getting tubes in my ears myself - most people might think of me as being autistic that a speech delay of 4 years old, versus my son who is turning 3 who says at least 150+ words. If I was autistic I no longer am, however I did overcome a learning dissability but I always worked harder and had good work ethic and it's blessed me because I have been # 1 & # 2 sales rep of forturne 500 companies with hundreds of employees. My point is that I have experienced harsher issues over my boy but I dont want it to progressivly get worse and need advice.

I have selective mutism

hmm Agree with Amy bellow. u need to redo this video .. it could be misleading

One of my daughters is 20 years old. We have been fighting selective mutism with her since she was between 2 and 3. I can tell you for a fact 1 of the issues you bring up is absolutely involved. That being anxeity being part of it. Pretty much the rest of the video is incorrect in so many ways it aint even funny. The whole ice cream thing doesn't sound much like selective mutism. Sounds like manipulation to me. Someone who truely has SM it will completely depends on whos standing in front of them as to wether they ever talk or not. It dont matter what they want if someone they cant speak to is atanding there they will not talk regardless of consequence. This is a classic incidence of "education" vs experience. Sorry to dissent but i dont really hear expertise here.

My 4 year old daughter never speaks when she's upset or angry from certain situations. Can happen at home as well as out

You are awesome! cool video

This video was so helpful!!! My son usually don't speak or defends himself in certain situations especially at school. He ends up not explaining himself correctly to the point that teachers won't end up believing him 😣 how can I help to make himself sound confident and what he really is saying is true.

Thank you so much for this! My 5 year old does selective mutism all the time. We have incorporated your skill but like you said we haven't made it a habit and also we do add the drama component when he does speak for himself. But on another note doctor when he's at school his teachers say good morning to him and he won't reply no matter what. What would be a good technique to deal with that situation? He usually will just hide behind me.

This is completely incorrect - Selective mutism is different from elective mutism. They don’t choose.

Terrible video. SM is not a choice.

Selective mutism is not by choice. Please rephrase your wording as it’s not intentional behaviour it is overwhelming situations that cause autistic people to appear avoidant and yes flight fright mode response is how we avoid and run from a social situation.

how u gonna say him? Imma girl and I have it, really dude 😑👎

Accidently fall out PLEASE. Because giving people the definition of Selective and Mutism isn't the diagnosis. Your way off. I couldn't even watch 2 minutes. NOBODY CHOOSES THIS. My child's body language changes. She has a blank stare when kids are talking to her. For you to say she chooses it. NO. Please have several seats.

Why are all these snowflakes in the comments complaining about the word "choice"? Don't you people believe in free will or what? Your kids have a brain, and aren't crazy, therefore they know what's up. People, kids aren't dumb. When I was a kid, I would notice when I would speak and not speak and around who. When I sensed threat, I would go automatically silent. It is selective, because I had experience with the person, and I chose to be mute around them. I wasn't mute with people I trusted.

Three minutes in, and I cannot bring myself to watch anymore. You are spreading MISINFORMATION. Selective mutism is NOT a choice. Why speak on something you CLEARLY do not have adequate knowledge of? Better to say nothing at all than to spread lies that only cause more pain to the people suffering with this condition. Your advice comes across as very condescending and facetious. I read a comment here from a woman who was also upset with your video; and she, too, wondered how you could claim this is a CHOICE. She said her child freezes up in social situations and gives a blank stare. Those are classic and very BASIC selective mutism symptoms; and anyone who has been around children with selective mutism for any length of time would know this. But your response was, “MaYbE sOmEtHiNg ElSe iS gOiNg oN”. 🤦‍♂️ You clearly have no knowledge of this condition, so please leave the advice to the experts. A Ph.D. does not qualify you to speak on every topic in existence.

U have no idea

PARENTS PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I say this as someone who struggled with it most of my life. This will just cause additional stress and anxiety when the child is already paralyzed with anxiety. Children with SM CANT SPEAK IN CERTAIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. Its not because they don't want to! There's NO way this man is an expert in the field defining it the way he did. selectivemutismsteps and confidentchildren are excellent chanals for advice on the topic. PLEASE DON'T USE NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR SOMETHING THAT THE CANT CONTROL.

Oh my gosh! Please do not say kids with sm CHOOSE not to talk! It is not a choice!😱 The rest is really good though.

You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what selective mutism is. Your suggestions will only work with a painfully shy child, not a child with selective mutism. Saying that they are “choosing” not to talk is ridiculous! I would ask my son, “why didn’t you say hi?” And he would say “I did.” His brain would tell his mouth to open and talk and he would freeze.

I watched up to 1:09 and i wouldnt waste more of time!! Dr.whatever who ?! SM is not a CHOICE!!! Educate before please next time !

This is so rude 👎

Please take this video down. Some really bad advice here 😔