This is a great topic and I have a lot to say, as I always do lol. I think people with BPD either never compromise or always put others before themselves, or flip flop between the two and it's hard to intuitively know how to be flexible. When you never compromise, you might be driven by a fear that you will lose yourself in the relationship if you don't have very rigid boundaries. When you always compromise, you might be driven by the fear that unless you have no boundaries you will be completely alone and abandoned. When you get a really good sense of yourself and what your needs are, it will be easier to set boundaries and also compromise in a way that you keep your sense of self and can also share a bit of yourself with others. A lot of us are still driven by fear rather than acting out of our authentic wants and needs.
Like your comment! I'm on the fear side and just learning what actually boundaries are and how to set them. I think the opposite what you called rigidity is more for those with narcissistic traits, again most likely where in childhood they had to fight to be seen or loved and so now they take their own self before everyone and everything. It's very stressful when you live with someone like that esp when you are just the extreme type of fawning, thinking otherwise you won't be loved.
This is why many people who have fearful avoidant attachment style are like this. They see-saw between considering others and not considering themselves…or feeling that if they consider themselves they can’t attend to others. I believe that Cptsd is a root cause in BPD and fearful avoidant attachment (and often BPD co-occurs and or presents so similar to fearful avoidant attachment)…and the black/white extreme thinking that is a result of a lot of fear/danger, is a subconscious strategy to mitigate danger and keep safe. It causes the all/nothing about other or self. The either/or…all those cognitive distortions. Once a great deal of healing is done, we can have greater self trust, better boundaries, better self advocacy, and a balanced way of being. It’s a lot of work, but possible!
@@katieg7679 me too! It was revolutionary to find out I had fearful attachment style, and discover my core wounds and I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t have as much triggering or shame, but it’s a daily process. I do daily “safety” promoting habits, therapy, inner child work, journaling and more. I call it my “sanity protocol”. I wish you peace 💛
I always look forward to your vids. You've some of the most diverse topics to cover in mental health that lead upto more serious issues later on in life. Pls include more info around emotions management in adolescence and teenage brain. How does that function ..what to do to avoid entanglement with an angry teen? Do all teens hate the world or is this generation suffering esp more?
Thanks Dr Fox for this video on compromise. I am also a big proponent of REBT and letting go of the irrational cognitions (must, should, ought). We don't live as a solo island, we interact with others and to do that effectively rigid thinking; 'must haves', shoulds or oughts need to be changed to flexible maybes, preferences and compromise.
Yes perfection does not exist. And a counsellor I saw told me that. I always think things "should" be a certain way and get angry that they aren't, not only in others, but in myself, and in the world. Things should go a certain way, people should be a certain way. I can't handle uncertainty. Everything falls apart if it's not black and white.
Yes, I am the same way. I think being able to tolerate uncertainty comes from having a secure attachment when you are younger. You can tolerate the uncertainty of whether it will rain or not if you have an umbrella, because you will be safe and dry either way. If you grow up in a volatile environment without safety(umbrella), uncertainty becomes threatening and it's easier to cope when you have a black and white answer (I HAVE to know if it will rain or not because I don't have an umbrella.) You can only tolerate uncertainty when you can cultivate that sense of safety (it's hard as hell).
@@katieg7679 That makes a lot of sense. I like things like math and science because they either are or aren't something. Like the jewelry items I bought on Etsy recently, the stones either are or aren't what the vendor says they are. I took them to a local jeweler and turns out the "moissanite" and "white topaz" are actually cubic zirconia, and the "spinel" is actually paste. I got duped. But I feel so much better knowing what they are and aren't, because I couldn't stand the uncertainty. I think I would enjoy gemology. I'd like to be able to tell for myself, and learn more about stones. I have to remind myself that I'm safe sometimes. It's one of the affirmations I say to myself under my breath, to self regulate. Remind myself I'm in the now, not in the then.
@@katieg7679 One thing I really can't stand and tips me out of whack every time is when I happen to carelessly leave the bathroom door unhitched, which is bound to happen now and then, I don't live in a clean room lab environment, and my sweet dog goes in, and EATS FROM THE CAT LITTER. Sometimes I catch it before it happens, but often I'm occupied with something else immediate, and she's already done it. It disgusts me so much I want to throw up, or rage at her. Even though I know it's normal dog behaviour. I can't get into my head how any creature could eat the bodily waste of another. DOES NOT COMPUTE!! I've tried to train her out of it, but it doesn't work. It's all I can do to wash the littler crumbs off her snout, and deal with the latter diarrhea.
My resistance to compromise is proportional to the boundaries I have with that person. If the boundaries are not good then I'll typically compromise much easier and probably to the detriment of me.
Can you talk about age regression with NPD they especially like to claim that their age regression is "special" and I've met too many and came from an adoptive family that is malignant and use age regression and their childish behavior as special for an excuse for their behavior.
That's funny about the donuts. The other day I was drinking coffee after coffee after coffee, because I could, and it was easier than cooking, and it's dark and rich and sweet and a treat, and I'm off liquor. But then I got an upset stomach. Go figure! 😆
My battle living with BPD now is I am unable to tell if I'm displaying poor interpersonal skills or if people who I've been vulnerable with are overreacting to everything I say and do that they don't like. I'm an OCD texter and before I was told that they were bothered by it, it had been shared with the entire family to the point I don't want to be around them anymore because I can't tell if I'm the problem or I'm sitting in a room full of individuals who are turning up their noses at me. I'm at a point where I don't feel like I have family or friends just associates or people I know. It's impossible to educate others when they are running for the hills.
