I’m Sick of My Miserable Husband! 

You, JRV, sure solved the root cause to the household misery! Good team-work! It is not the amount you earn - it is the mood you bring home that has made the change. A couple can live a good simple life on a surprisingly low income, if they want to. I think people would be happier if they wanted to learn how to do it with good cheer. It's learnable, it's doable! Just refer back to what really matters. All the best wishes to all of you struggle with mood-challenges! They are not personality issues. There a re practical solutions to them, and you'll find the right once when you open up to finding them!

Nice

Very impressive. I understand how difficult this situation is. Love that you put your family first.

That’s amazing! Thank you for sharing 💪🏼

@@SappyAmon ???

Ok but with my husband it is personal...

AMEN!! It's unbelievable how many women behave this way.

Love this!!! I actually read it wrong and thought you said teach women that they are. Lol. Yes, from childhood women are taught to be responsible for everyone's feelings and emotions including our own. It's absolutely exhausting. Have you ever noticed how often women say that they're sorry??!

But your husband is part of you. And if my husband don’t feel good I would not feel good. It’s not responsible it’s when you love someone you feel everything and it’s inevitable

@@nata9832 that’s called codependency. When you love someone, you allow them to take responsibility for their own behavior. You may feel their pain emotionally, but you are both responsible (key word here) for your own emotions, projections, and reactions. This woman is trying to fix her husband’s emotional outbursts by taking the blame. None of it is her responsibility, especially since he hasn’t even asked for her to fix it.

@@angelcare5969I’m one of them trying to do anything to keep the peace in my marriage

Same! I hope you are living your best life 💙

Survival instinct.

How can your Mother 'let' your Father argue, or not. His emotions & argumentative nature is his responsibility not your Mother's. Must Mothers be to blame for everything? Why not blame your Father for his miserable ways?!

@@prettydreammy I generally agree that mothers get more than their fair share of blame. But in the case that one parents is mistreating the children, it’s the other parent’s duty to do whatever they can to protect their children and get them out of that situation.

​@@queenwhatever5217and then they are blamed by both children, father, family and community for leaving such man. They become overwhelmed because everything is on them, finances suffer, children can't get what they need, they can't get the attention of overworked mom etc. and children suffer because of it.

Girl this hit home big time. Currently going through this and I truly and so done being treated like dirt and feeling like I have to beg my husband to be seen. Things were so different the first 3 years together. Ever since I was diagnosed with MS and I’m physically unable to work FT I’m now seen as some lesser half who doesn’t deserve basic decency and respect.

​@BurchBunny drop that loser. I have MS, my husband has been amazing and with me every step of the way, supporting me. This isn't a you problem, it's a him problem. You're better off alone and happy than have to tip toe around a jerk. Cut him lose and be happy.

And then get mad bc you don’t want sex… I live this daily :/

@@princessamber18Yes! My ex didn’t want any physical intimacy like kisses, hugs, cuddles ever but then couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be intimate with him after no connection outside of the bedroom.

I hope you told him step by step how he trained you not to speak to him. Then asked : 1. When did he decide that you *are* allowed to speak to him? He has said not to speak with him when he first comes home, not before dinner, not during dinner... When did he decide he doesn't like this after all? 2. When did he make up his mind about *when* you are allowed to speak to him? Did he change his mind about any of his previous instructions to you or did he think of a time when it is OK to open communication with him? Has he even come up with an answer to that, or are you supposed to know by magic when he doesn't? 3. When did he communicate this instead of just shutting down every attempt you made at communication, even today? He has the marriage he repeatedly asked for. ...And which he asked for *again* earlier this evening. " Think it over. I'm not talking with you about this until you take some time to think about what you *want.* If you really want something from me, you can't also keep telling me not to give it to you." Tomorrow, invite me into a conversation. Or not. Don't wait until the day is over and blame me for listening to you when you said (and keep saying) 'Not now, honey, I'm tired.' .... YOU start the conversation next time. " Honestly, I would have probably been flummoxed at his cluelessness and not handled the moment well. I hope that you did better.

That is sad isn't it! My self-centered aka: narcissistic passive aggressive silent critical verbally abusive husband who basically was my , unappreciative, ungrateful third child. He was not a participant in the family nor in our relationship. He was the controller. With me he was soul sucking, blaming me for his failures, did-no-wrong, a victim, grown adult who never engaged as a husband or a father other than to sometimes play with them. The kids saw him as great. I had to 'raise' them. In the 26 years with him I never knew what it was to be seen & cared about even during sex. He didn't hold 'me' during sex. I felt like a piece of meat or a porn photo. I never knew kindness nor 'love'. Yet he looked divine to others. Too much TMI. Sorry for derailing.

@@darondatoole7439sounds like you may need therapy too.

​@@darondatoole7439 it may be an excellent idea to see someone to talk to if you're not already. Look after yourself stranger

Why don’t you tell him that instead of strangers on the internet

That's amazing!

I hope my husband would be like that. 😊 when I find him

And there seems to be an unconscious sentiment among some men that anger/rage isn’t an emotion. They’ll believe they aren’t emotional because they don’t let themselves be emotionally vulnerable when upset, but they don’t see the anger they take out on you and the rest of the family as an emotional response. WEIRD.

❤️❤️❤️

The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in. I hope if hes looking for a new job, that he finds it soon.

❤❤❤❤

my bf and I do this too. It works nicely.

My husband and I do a similar thing, he doesn’t so much vent on the call but just talk for a bit, about my day or about plans with the kids etc. it gets him out of work mode and into home/family/relax mode. And then we’re all happy to see him. And if he tracks mud through the house or throws his shirt on the floor.. it’s a small price to pay to clean up, for a great husband and father.

Are you still single though? People are really quick to bail then to work on a relationship.

@@ellencox8415 20 years was long enough.

Yup. I left a friendship for this reason.

oh look. another female acting like she is never the problem.

I own my own company and it is not easy. One thing I require of my girlfriend or wife is that I come home to peace and tranquility. Not a bunch of nagging

@@kenandrieling5885, the Irony is that she is bringing her work into the marriage as soon as he gets home. If sh. is not satisfied right when he gets home what does that say about her

@@kenandrieling5885 That's fair

Having a shower as soon as I got home from a previously toxic job immensely helped me not carry that stress and toxicity home. It was like I was washing that place off of me

The only advice I can give is don't jump into any new relationships right away. Those types of men can smell you from a mile away. Put your children first.

You all deserve better. Seek help, secretly make a plan with an attorney, then run.

He sounds like a narcissist. Google it. I lived with one 22 years before I learned what narcissism is. They make life hell.

Please save yourself and your son now. I stayed and now my son treats me as horribly as my husband does. My son learned that it’s ok to act this way. You still have time to give your son a better chance at good adult relationships.

Men would apparently prefer to change families than their jobs. Wash rinse, repeat,

Yes, I have allowed men to steal my peace and break me for far too long. Staying single for life. Can’t deal with the heartache any more. I just broke it off with a man I love with all my heart because of this. His negativity and victim mentality were just too draining. He complained about his family members every single day. I would try to tell him that you can’t change others, to let go and accept people as they are. Instead of blaming others, looking at ourselves and doing the work to change is what I’m focusing on. I finally realized I can’t change him, and it’s time to move on. It hurts so much. I miss him, when it was good it was really good with us. 😢😢😢

This is normal relationship stuff. I bet you're great to deal with every single day

Goes both ways. I’ve seen both men and women be overworked and completely unappreciated and demoralized by their constantly miserable, unproductive, unhelpful, vicious spouses. I never understand why they stay when that dynamic settles in and the stress, blame, and misery becomes their normal day.

That's so healthy.

THIS!!!!!!

unless hes a drinker or drug user, the #1 reason for depression is a marked deficiency of Vit D3, easy fix! take 10,000 iu/VitD3 every day! they are tiny pills, take 10 before bed with sip of water, it helps a LOT and is cheap and easy to do. we keep a small container of 200 pills on our night tables and on our coffee table so we remind ourselves to take it every day; great stuff!

I’m 33 years in. It doesn’t get better. Save yourself and leave…I wish I had!

why cant you leave @@lucybrenton149

​ It's Not to Late! Save yourself

I left someone like this. The dark cloud over my life disappeared

They don't exist!!

Conflict and stress is the price you pay for companionship. If you don't think it's worth it, that's ok.

We were one of those happy couples.

Happiness is relative. Saying married couples are happier than singles, does not mean married people are always happy ALL the time. It takes work to make a marriage happy and successful, but it can really be worth the work.

The happy ones don't need this service. You don't see / hear them because they are busy being happy

Going through that now! 😢

Too true.

Women blame men for getting pregnant and not being able to achieve their dreams as well. It goes both ways.

Unfortunately a lot of narcissistic people hide in clergy. They are the wolves in sheep’s clothing the Bible talks about. Sorry that was your experience.

Same here i have heart failure

Not all guys are like that. Disregard my username as I'm a guy. My mother taught me right. It's my wife who's not as clean I alI am. Like I said, this is a problem that started with his parents. It fucks me off to no end when I'm forever picking up hair, water all over bathroom bench tops, dirty toilets, kitchen counter tops, never takes out garbage, crumbs and crap all over the floor.

I solved this problem years ago. As soon as my husband got home I grabbed a black garbage bag and started loading up all his clothes, work boots lunch box everything he dropped as soon as he walked in. I tied the bag up set it by the door and asked him to take the garbage out. This solved the issue.

@@jasminejj5097 Try new practical solutions, and use your own organizing skills to get it right from the start - new year, new habits and take the Montessori-principle, aim for instant success. You are the leader. Inside the door, what huge spaces are there to drop things off? In the bath - what shields against water are there? Suggest a radical haicut. Have cleaning wipes handy everywhere as needed and a visible basket for those wipes that need to go into the washing mashine asap. For toilets use cleaning sticks that you put into the water container - it helps a lot. Put the full carbage-bags in her way on the door-mat when she goes out and keep the main garbage bin on the way out when she leaves for work. Think the better plan through with her and count the steps she must take, to minimize them. For the crumbs on the floor - would she prefer a pretty broom, a hand vacumcleaner, or an automatic one even if it is not cheap. (My hubby avoids the costs, and so rather does the work himself.) Buy the expensive stuff that helps you if she doesn't do her part. When is the best time for both to turn on a timer and together make "clean ship" - when the home is getting tidy once a day. Working on it simultaneously, of course.

​@@lovelife7343wow, you sound like a total delight. I'm amazed your husband is still around

@@lovelife7343what if he never leaves the house

From my family of origin I did not learn that key piece. I felt I had to take the role of protector for my little sister, be alert, observant & read her quietness to see how & why she was hurting so I could anticipate or see her need so as to lessen her pain. Exhausting. I was the fixer. The protector.

I guarantee that she stopped having sex with him and treating him nicely once they got married

Exactly!

Yup

@@simshengvue5799I can see that happening

Yes! Exactly....

Also, this is her 3rd marriage. What's going on with her that she is unhappy in all of her marriages?

Yep, there are definitely levels of miserable at a job that you shouldn’t put up with. I left a job making $85k/yr because the CEO was mocking myself and my colleagues and subordinates personally and professionally, in public, and clearly deriving pleasure from breaking people down. My predecessor had a much more epic story when he quit- he pulled the $5 fee the CEO had been endlessly chastising him for from his wallet in cash, balled it up, and threw it at him. Apparently the CEO cowered like he was terrified he was going to punch him, but he just told him he quit and breezed out. He owns his own HVAC business with his BIL in law now, going on 5 years. I felt myself losing confidence as he started to work on me as his next victim and I just typed up a notice within 3 months, worked my 2 weeks remotely, and he hasn’t spoken to me since. Meanwhile, he’s still got the office cowed, but at least within 6 months of me leaving, his Practice Manager, Lead Administrative Assistant, and the Lead’s 2IC also all quit for the same reason. I’m glad I took the chance. After leaving, my next salary was significantly lower at $55k/yr, but I was promoted after 4 months and now make the most money (salary + good commission) I have ever made. It’s nothing crazy, but it’s more than I’d been making with him working like a rented mule and being treated like a tapeworm. That said, my current job IS aggressively boring. I don’t see that as a reason to quit. I think that’s closer to acceptable job frustration, whereas the person at the top of the hierarchy actively trying to demean and demoralize me and the rest of my coworkers wasn’t.

In my 3rd, Dr John says you marry your unfinished business: #1 cold, aloof, unaffectionate, critical; #2 abusive, gas lighting. Got therapy, #3 married to Wonder Hubbie 37 years! Kind, thoughtful, validating, does acts of love, & verbalizes it❤

@@jangrosemartindale8740thats good, but 3rd marriages have a ridiculously low success rate

Just because he has a right to act out like a child doesn't mean it's a good idea. If he has a problem he should discuss it.

So does she, because if she doesn't clean the floor that he messes up everyday, he would have even another reason to be unhappy.

Not all the time... no.

not in a modern American marriage

Amen. I just let it all hang out now.

Ha! Appreciate the honestly, man 😆

set up a man cave, and what is set up for you?

The same way Dave Ramsey is always telling everyone to go out and get married as if it will solve all your problems in life

😂

I have an uncle that’s been married 5-6 times and ended up as a pastor. 😅

I thought he was a Facility Maintenance guy working for a church.

@guenethcorrigan4096 Why not request some help with he chores, as he is at home, (well, if you can).

If he’s retired and you aren’t, can you tell him you’re exhausted and need to divide up the labor more evenly within the house? When you’re both retired, I guess you can go back to him doing the lawn and bills and you doing all the laundry, dishes, kitchen, cooking, etc, if that’s how you’re both more comfortable, but while you’re still working and he’s home all day, a reasonable partner should be able to see that they should take on more of the domestic responsibilities so their spouse isn’t miserable and stressed as all get out. Have you asked him to start doing the laundry for you both every week or to please clean the kitchen during the weekdays before you get home? He might just be being stupid about things because that’s been y’all’s domestic chore pattern for so long and he honestly didn’t even think about it after retiring. I hope I wouldn’t need to be told in his shoes, but I’ve been genuinely, unbelievably stupid in the past about needing to help out in new ways- I’m embarrassed I didn’t realize sooner for those instances in my life, and looking back I wish someone had bought me a clue and smacked me over the head with it. Instead, it took years for me to realize what pro-social things I wasn’t doing that I should have been, which definitely hurt some of my friendships looking back. Maybe make a monthly or weekly chore wheel, even, so he can see how fairly you want to divide everything up and get a visual representation of all the invisible labor tasks that go into keeping the inside of your house decent, then get his buy-in to start using it to evenly split up and assign each of you half of the weekly domestic labor tasks.

@@GeorgiaMostly ty for your input. The only response I have is that I raised five children and having to raise another one, as in my husband, just makes me feel sick.

Lucky man

Your husband appreciates that. Its not that he doesn't care about your issues. He just want to settle down first.

You get it, she doesnt. Sadly, Dr John would never tell her this

You are a saint. People don't realize how much certain individuals NEED to decompress, both men and women.

Some men will still complain. I don’t say a word until he decides to talk. He finds anything to complain about. Every man is different.

They're empty nesters so it's just the two of them.

Who said she doesn’t work? It’s very common for people to get off at different times and her start dinner before he gets home!

Exactly

@@flashthecorgi2053is she putting into the household?

​@@flashthecorgi2053she doesn't.... She waits around until he gets home to b***h at him...

@@wordsalad01how long does one need to decompress. What if the whole time he’s home he’s in a bad mood…?

​@@Price8903if she is up his butt all the time, he'll never decompress

@@Price890340 minutes-hour. I’m a woman and I need about that much time. It’s not hard to figure out. You don’t bombard people with lists and work when they come through the door.

@@Price8903the nagging is what extends the bad mood.

You know a woman lacks maturity when she says "behave" when talking about her husband.

Im not good at marriage and I've been single 20 years. Im much happier and so is my cat. Hes pretty clean.

Or just start helping. Don't ask her what's wrong, look at what she prioritizes in her day and take on some of it without saying anything. We all have pressures. As married women though, it's a full time job working, full time job meal prepping (groceries, recipes, chopping)/cooking/cleaning after cooking, and then maybe we can think about enjoying the rest of our day. Take something off her plate and I guarantee, she will be less miserable.

@@ellencox8415 I appreciate the assumption that I just gawk at her and don't help at all.

@@Chet_24 you're welcome. You didn't deny it either.

you signed up for this

@@ellencox8415typical Feemale telling a man to take responsibility but yet all we see here are Fmale victims lmao

When my husband & I were both working we had an agreement that whoever got home first would give the other one 20 minutes of being left alone to get settled in after getting home. Look at the mail, change clothes, whatever. Whatever needs attention can wait that long.

Right lol

Tell him to stfu. jk, ask for a few minutes to chill.

Yep, third marriage makes sense now. And this is a ten minute conversation, not a ten year partnership/marriage.

I think she was being self-mocking becaise he said she was being her husband's "mommy" -she was acknowledging her error and actions, poking fun at herself, she was NOT serious-just recognizing her own behavior. Listen to it again.

Men work too hard for that

Behave? The wrong word! What does she mean by that?

I think part of this was first needing to reset intentions and expectations by sitting down with the spouse and discussing that the emotional environment of the home is not what either of you want, that you want to work on changing that and making it a home you both want to return to every day, then figuring out what you both want your home to feel like when you walk in the door and how to compromise in ways that will support the construction of that feeling. I liked his example of his own wife asking him to turn the outside lights on if he gets home first, because coming home to a dark house made her feel like he didn’t care whereas coming home to a lit house made her feel cared for by her husband. It’s a super small thing that I’m sure her husband is happy to do as a small compromise on his part to accommodate her feelings and let her know he’s thinking of her and actively supporting her needs each and every day, no matter that lights on or off really shouldn’t upset anyone. The fact is that it made her feel unwelcomed and frustrated and that he was being inconsiderate of her each and every day, and she told him, and once he knew that he committed to performing a small action that not only resolves the problem, but also reminds his wife every day that he is committed enough to their marriage to consistently do that small thing for her. It’s lovely. And I’d 100% be saying that if the sexes were flipped as well, before anyone gets into that. Clearly that was just one example he gave and the exercise has to go both ways, with both parties owning up to what behaviors would help move each of them closer to or further away from what they, as a married couple, decide they want their home to feel like. I had a similar daily frustration that I’m sure was largely invisible to my family- I used to get home from work last every day to a locked front door (very safe area). It minutely worsened my mood every single time I walked up to that door and twisted that handle, anticipating that it wouldn’t turn; it was so freaking annoying to me that every single day, my loved ones had so little regard for me that they’d always just inconsiderately lock me out and make me struggle with the key. It absolutely made me feel like they weren’t happy to have me returning home. Illogical? Maybe. But that’s definitely what it felt like. What was usually a small inconvenience and transient frustration on normal days would, on the occasional very frustrating, miserable day, result in me getting home, stalking up to the front door internally grousing about how my ungrateful and inconsiderate family for sure locked me out again, twisting the knob and having that suspicion confirmed, fumbling for my keys and having the lock jam slightly, and then I’m suddenly yanking back and forth on the locked door and using my fist to loudly bang on it in frustration. Someone would open it for me 10 seconds later and act all surprised at my bad mood and scowl, and I’d brush by with a snide comment and glare and isolate myself alone in the bedroom, grousing. It literally never occurred to me that I’d never told my family that coming home to a locked door made me feel that they were being deliberately inconsiderate of me, which felt like a behavioral indication that I was unloved, and that they didn’t want me home. I’d just griped repeatedly to please stop locking the freaking door before I get home from work, which they never understood as anything that really mattered to me despite that internally, it bothered me slightly to moderately on a daily basis. In other words, they never saw deliberately not locking the door behind them after getting home first as a way to practice loving me, as a small gesture that would have, each day upon returning home, reminded me that they care enough about me to make that consistent effort to do that differently for me. I’m sure looking back that if I had approached it that way and told my family how it would help me feel loved and wanted to have that door unlocked upon returning home, they would have, happily. But I assumed they knew and just didn’t care enough despite me telling them to stop locking it constantly over years. All that to say, the doc’s suggestion actually gives couples the opportunity to identify behaviors they can each regularly perform to better meet the specific emotional and environmental needs of their partner. In addition to reducing the problematic behaviors and introducing positive behaviors, just seeing your partner make the effort every day to remember and bother to consistently perform those small compromises to their behavior would be huge in feeling loved and supported by your partner. Also, it gives you a way to show that same level of love, consideration, and compromise back in ways that your spouse tells you matter to them. Great suggestion.

Lol I agree! 😂 She's soooo unsafe lmao!

Unheard, not cared about would've been better terminology

She should get a boot tray, and have a small broom near the door and then ASK him nicely to sweep any mud clumps out of the door (encourage him to make that his new routine). Have a pair of clean comfy shoes there for him to slip into. HOW we talk to people is everything.

They all are. They use the name of god to manipulate people to get more out of them. They even use the phrase “we want to USE you” every day so at least they’re up front about it.

She said "religious organizations;" not church.

@@judypaladino4957 good one

It’s not always as easy as that especially knowing you have to go back and deal with the same stuff tomorrow but at the same time don’t take it out on loved ones

Good for you. You’ve given up hope for all the wonderful things that marriage can bring in order to protect yourself from what you’re afraid of.

​​Smart people learn from other people's mistakes that lead to misery. I wonder why that got you so triggered that you had to give that passive-aggressive response. Hmmm 😂😂😂 ​@@greenAbbot Edit: typo

@@greenAbbotif she's happy, whats the problem?

​@@greenAbbot lol idiot

How creative.

​@@WillIam79-c7fsounds like a coward to me.

Agreed... This is always the case! Marriage 3 and they all have done this!!! Caught current fella on tinder!! 😂😂😂 I'm gonna say, I don't think I'm perfect. but I'm 100%a house wife and figured out why they do it. They hate providing and bordem. 🤷

As a man I will never get married because I don't see it as a desirable position. Providing,working a job you hate with people you can't stand with an awful boss. Doesn't strike me as fun to be honest. As a single man I have the choice to quit and be broke by myself until I figure something out, when you have a wife and kids you're trapped and can't do that. I'm not saying that women have it better by any means. Being a woman sounds like it sucks as well. Hmmm maybe life just fucking sucks fir everyone.

I've seen so many women break their husband's. As soon as they get home it's a list of chores and demands. Makes you never want to go home. That was my first wife. As soon as I got home she was screaming about something. Everything was my fault. Now it's her new husband's fault. 🤣😂

I think you are telling us more about you that this couple.

@@greenAbbot not with second wife but definitely first wife. I never wanted to go home. She was also a nagging never give it up wife.

definitely

Omg really?

That phrase weirded me out too…I get she probably learned some lessons from it, but “practice marriage” just sounds wrong.

Definitely. He’s got a church secretary or children’s pastor he’s probably cheating with. I was married to a pastor I should know.

Beware, if he is constantly blaming you for his own actions, it may be emotional abuse. I’m there right now :( it’s painful, but I’m better out of it

@@sarahelo009 are you still in the relationship?

The point was disrespect for what she does.

It was an example he gave, not her. She never said anything about mud. It was his metaphor.

He’s not a janitor, he’s a Facility Maintenance guy. Those people typically handle their company’s electrical, mechanical, HVAC, plumbing, and physical (landscaping, painting, drywall, replacing bulbs, fixing appliances and furniture, etc) needs. Large church groups with multiple sites frequently have one on staff, but they’re most commonly employed by apartment complexes to service the units and community centers. SUPER easy job to find- the large apartment complexes are always looking for reliable people with a few years of experience. With that job, he’d realistically only really be stuck with the ‘religious organization’ he’s currently employed by if he has a recent criminal record or the live in the middle of nowhere.

This comment needs more likes.

😂😂🎉

This so much

Lol.