I Studied Thousands Of PEOPLE PLEASERS & Learned This... 

💌 thanks for the content, brother. You deserve all the good coming from sharing your development!

Peach ✌️😂 Thank you for what you’re doing and what doing other coaches! ❤ I’m so glad I found support at many questions which were hunting me - like people all around who fake emotions. AAAAA so painful, like who are you REAL 😫

Thank you so much for this! I resonated so much with this girl and her feelings on people pleasing and i feel i needed this video especially right now in my life. I appreciate all you do and thank you for teaching us one video at a time how to authentically become the person we truly are. The maintenance, paranoia, and pressure you described, to always police how I act and speak, was such a huge takeaway for me. I always thought that was just a natural part of life that I just had to accept. Thank you for opening my eyes to a different way of doing things.

I'm shook, you are truly an inspiration. You've made me realize how scared I am to be loud. I always labeled myself as quiet; but if I'm entirely alone and have everything locked up tight (so the neighbors don't hear😅) I allow myself to be clumsy and drop things, sing, laugh at the top of my lungs, have full conversations with the pets lol etc. I think I'm quite loud but I've just been so damn scared of making my presence known. Much love 🧡

⁰0000😊😊😊😊😊❤😊

Wow . true

This is the best comment i have ever read. It actually changed my perspective😮😢🤯🤯thank you

Perfectly explained!!

This is so true. But let's not forget that society is created in such a way that wants us to feel shitty about ourselves. I mean you can look at it in two ways, you can say that we are being nice and manipulative because we don't have self respect or you can say that we are being too nice because society punished us for being real and authentic. We are not hurting ourselves because we want to, we are being too nice because it is a survival mechanism. We are afraid of the repercussions of being authentic. Unfortunately, our society has a crab in the barrel mentality where if one person tries to be him/herself, others drag them down because of jealousy. And most of us don't want to experience these attacks and sabotages because it hurts and we might get ostracised so we hide ourselves. I know it is not good to do that, and none of us wants this but we are just afraid.

But if were would be locked put, what about our parents? Not the majority sit in a prison I would assume, yet we had to feel it in our own skin to learn it. And most of us, I also presume, so don't hold it over me as I am subjectively speaking based on my experience and all that I have observed, have learnt this bad self-parenting behavior from our parents and how they spoke to themselves in front of us and to us. So if they aren't getting imprisoned for pushing that mindset on us, we won't be either. Which still doesn't mean we are not in a position to break that vicious circle - we should, in fact, for us. First for us and as a result, for everyone who cares for us and for those we care for and will care for (ex. future partners and children). We don't people please just to get things or gain positive feedback but also so we can survive in the survival mindset we have created in our own perceptions. It might not be all our own faults if we were thrown in there, but we play a fault if we never do our best to learn to just live and be authentic.

"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for the person I'm not. " - Kurt Kobain

Look into Julian's past and his partner, they are predators

@@beyondtheillusion333 your comment couldn't be a more irrelevant reply. ok so, predators in the past who now have devoted their lives to helping guys and girls heal and build sefl-esteem, what was your point again exactly ???

@@derekjp6043 is that what they're doing? Or are they Manipulating weak people into giving them money for false, unsustainable, short term confidence boosts? False gurus. Look into them yourself

@@beyondtheillusion333hahaha ok 🫠

Yes, MASSIVE respect to her for having the courage and willingness to do the work! 🙏

​@@JulienHimselfgreat great work

❤

That kind of playfulness is actually a coping mechanism to diffuse or avoid tension or discomfort though.

​@@CG-wr4noone of the more fun coping mechanisms then

Yes, she crushed it! MASSIVE respect to her! 🙌

​@@JulienHimself kewl pants bruh

This is true for me. I truly thought I was just being polite, but it was certainly more fear based then I realized.

True for me too!!

yup

100% a better situation. The people that'll want to stick around will for the long run.

I have the same thing with mine. I went crazy once and ended up in hospital but I also became myself I was free of anxiety and its like I didn't know what I was doing because I hadn't been authentic my whole life so I was all over the place... I was 27 at the time. I am 30 now and my god I have learned how to do it properly. Problem is now my family think I am crazy again! I am fine holding down a job got my own flat and good friends loving life following the vibe. Its hard for them because I haven't been myself for so long even they forgot.

As someone who did the same thing, I feel you. But you should know that the high from realizing someone accepts and loves you as your GENUINE self is the greatest high in the world.

I feel you. Once I stopped pleasing everyone, they ended the relationship saying I changed for the worse. In reality I just value myself more. Better to be alone than in the wrong company.

It’s not that you feel lonelier , it’s that your taking that love you put out externally and are giving it back to you internally, which is what you’ve needed all along but sourced it out externally by people pleasing. People are upset you no longer are who THEY want you to be. Your are coming back home to yourself. Don’t feel lonely, it’s a blessing. You’re shedding that old skin and becoming who you really are, YOU! Now, you will attract those that are in alignment with the new you, and subtract those that aren’t . Glass is half full my friend

Me. To think that I'm the youngest child too. everyone says we get love effortlessly, but hate is gained just as effortlessly. You could be loved by one parent and hated by the other, as well as the siblings. Your personality is too sheltered for other people too. You gotta pretend to survive. because once that one parent isn't there for you, you'll be abused like a dog.

so true

I couldn’t agree more with your comment!

i studied dog vomit for 4 years and you are correct

I was too. Totally relate to her. Its patriarchy. Sorry i know many people cringe at that but think about it.

​@@specks_alotit's not patriarchy. i am a boy and have the same traits. we are prob infjs

@@specks_alot It's not patriarchy. We need that to make the world work. It's a men's world. Feminism destroys it. But that's a completely different topic.

Yess

This does not help much when we are in situation like narcissistic abuse. Julien talks about romantic interest and friendship here. That is only 30 percent of interaction with other people.

@@ranc1977 People pleasing is usually a result of narcistic parenting... then it is more important to break that "golden" prison. In 4 words: "fuck the narcisist judgement"

@@JoseRRodriguez Now the question is why we are not explained about this golden prison? Why we are explained as we are defective and we must perform circus tricks and invest emotional and behavioral deposits in order to attain our own approval? Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics - struggles with maintaining interpersonal relationships - struggles with codependency - impulsive or dangerous behaviors - anxiety and hypervigilance - fear of abandonment - conflict avoidance/fear of conflict - constantly seeking approval - struggles with authority figures - poor communication - struggles with emotional regulation - poor self-esteem and self-image, or constantly feeling "different" Someone who's been mentally abused will: - constantly apologize - feeling not enough - hide feelings - hypersensitive to criticism - breakdown during small disagreements - need a lot of assurance - struggle to put guard down At first, the minority group, brown-eyes, resisted. Elliot told them that the blue-eyes children were smarter because of their blue-eyes. Children stopped resisting. Brown-eyes became timid and obedient. Jane Elliot - Blue/Brown Eye Exercise (1968) Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes which they have no control. 🟨Janet G. Woititz Codependents in general and Adult children of Alcoholics tend to expect others to make them happy. When I don't get validation, my victim mentality will kick in - because that's what Mum did. She would complain if not validated. Negative thinking is learned behavior 🟥Lisa Romano 10 Common Struggles for Adult Children of Alcoholics 1. Being rigid and inflexible 2. Difficulty trusting or being closed off 3. Shame and loneliness 4. Self-criticism 5. Perfectionism 6. People pleasing 7. Being highly sensitive or reactive 8. Being overly responsible... Adult children of alcoholics did the best they could do to survive as children. Their behaviors, coping skills and personalities were shaped by chaos and trauma. As adults their inner child is still exiled and terrified lead to compensatory. 🟥Doc Snipes

Sometime ago I studied about eneagram of personality, and I realize that that is a pattern on type 2 enneagram personality... well everybody uses masks to copy with life and relationships, buut the best of this mask (type2) is humility and the the worse is pride.. easy to understand, not so easy to act. But understand that was life changing for me. And I think you got the point .. not a good idea putting tags on people, but at the same time.. that's allow a better self-knowledge, so it has benefits for me. You're doing great job on yourself, God bless you

@@Mateus-gt2iq Finding magical instructions and solutions in random words and numbers is path to schizophrenia.

You going to get rejected for being authentic or authentic but being unauthentic takes a lot of effort and you know deep down your being fake to yourself better to be rejected for being your authentic self atleast you have something which is you

The way that you find those people however, is by going first. By dropping the front, you will QUICKLY see who resonates with you and who doesn't... And who to cultivate safe relationships with. 👌

Therapy for 22 years yet you don't identify the people pleasing aspect of your statement? It is THE definition of pleasing people in the last sentence. This approach only protects the group, the institutions you identify with, not the individual. So no, it is basically impossible to be authentic if the first thought you project is to adhere to social norms.

​@JulienHimself I appreciate your in-person response. 👍 I agree. I also agree with the general mission to help people learn to express themselves more authentically and honestly. Not only for the benefit this has for the individual, but also its effect on society, as more authentic communication contributes to a high-trust, high-functioning culture. I guess my point of disagreement (and, perhaps, it is not disagreement at all) is that rather than encouraging people to completely discard their persona, I think it is of greater benefit to teach them the true nature, utility, and management of it, and to help them to disentangle themselves from an over-identification of the Self with it. For example, I personally dress in a three-piece suit whenever I see my clients. I enjoy the persona, looking like an old-school psychotherapist at my office. It also puts me in state to do my job. My clients somewhat expect this, and it reassures them that they are paying for the services of someone who is competent. But I am not attached to that persona. To me, it's kind of like an enjoyable costume I put on, and I am well-aware of this. I don't regard myself as fake, however; that persona is, in a sense, a true expression of my love for the history of the study of Man's soul and for my own love of helping others to heal. But I also dress differently with my friends and family. Both are okay, and I personally don't see a contradiction. To me, it is perfectly logical-- and quite sensible --to adapt to different environments and to communicate differently with different people. It makes sense to speak French to someone who is French. It isn't a violation of authenticity, just because your native tongue happens to be English. We adapt and meet people where they are at. So, I guess, for me the key issues are those of being anchored in reality with regard to the persona, having full behavioral and emotional flexibility in its use, and also having an abundance of relationships wherein the persona can be minimized or relaxed.

@@cheetor18 You live in a society, not in the wilderness. Being authentic is a give and take, not some absolute. Jerks and greedy bastards can also be authentic. Doesn't mean it's good to be either because "DUH! THAT'S WHO I AUTHENTICALLY AM". Not to mention a big part of what we consider our "authentic" self is learned behaviors, including learned bad behaviors, conditioning, and imitation, that we just don't bother to identify as such. Not being a "people pleaser" doesn't mean put out any crap behavior you feel is 'yourself' and expect others to tolerate because this is "authentic".

​@@Wolf88888I think you are approaching this the wrong way. Sure, following your analogy, you don't go naked into every interaction. Yet you can choose which clothes to wear. Are you choosing the clothes based on what you want, or are you choosing your clothes based on what you think society wants? There was even mention of this in the video, choosing to be some way vs having to be some way

Be proud your learning!! I love ppl w accents I can listen to them all day, even ppl from different parts of america

you are entirely compromising your true self, by not being yourself in repeating situations. doesn’t matter about the intentions.

I partly disagree. Of course, you can have bad experience being authentic around some people, but regretting it or thinking you are used just means that you expected something in return. Like there should be a reward from others for being authentic. I think complete freedom comes from accepting that sometimes people will react badly and you may be hurt and experience bad emotions, but biggest reward is practicing freedom and getting closer to your worth or success not depending on others at all. If it is a shitty boss why not risk getting fired if you speak the truth. You will find something better and develop yourself through that process.

@@Lexx0787 I totally agree with you. I know i have some things (issues) to work on and this is definitely one of them. I know i wouldn't have expressed myself this way if things were better with me and the way i see some things.

@@Bar_Bar27 Yes, this process takes years, but with practicing it gets easier. I am also still struggling sometimes. Sometimes I get affected and half of my day I feel shitty and think about what someone said to me. But few years back that would last for a day, two, a week. Good thing about practicing this is that it counts, just like when you practice sport, you can get rusty but your brain will remember all the positive steps you did towards freedom.

@@Lexx0787 Yes i can see this small changes in myself too. Thank you for sharing

Yes! 👌

Interesting

She is

Yes, exactly! You are so welcome! 🙏

I relate to this so much.. I have stopped talking about these stuff because it feels like I am a buzzkill but now I feel disconnected from everyone because I dont feel I can have playful, fun interactions with friends/family/people... Its exhausting to feel so isolated and not good enough in any social context...

Have you found a way to find out who you are yet?

@@nnglnd Not entirely... But I've become so much more aware of myself and I believe that's a step in the right direction. Still working on it! Not giving up,🤗

Be relaxed enough to smooth thing over, but real enough to establish boundaries.

Like Julien, you mix up people pleasing with agreeableness, Negative politeness, after-effect of narcissistic abuse, culture of toxic shame. You over generalize and place it all in the same bucket. That is how bias, prejudice, wrong conclusions and wrong decisions are born - when we overgeneralize and place rigid thinking as some general rule to deal with extremely complex matter.

Thats not real Her thats exactly Why everyone likes Her shes been doing that for a long time

lol anybody know a Marco?

If you're a people pleaser, be sure to watch this video as well: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-bWqTAqxocXQ.html 😉

@@JulienHimself ok!

I found myself prey to a narcissist because I am a people pleaser. That experience made me recognize it for the negative that it is and I did the work as to why I became this way. I am determined to now please myself first and foremost. I’m authentic self focused now! Thank you for this video!

@Lill-writes same! ❤😅

Thank you @JulienHimself for these videos, recently found you and so appreciate you. 🙏💜

He has gone into wrong direction. He turned social anxiety issue into Fight response to deal with trauma. Fight response ("screw being nice, screw being polite, be real instead otherwise it is manipulation, why you manipulate me now at 23:00). Well, news flash - fight response is also manipulation. If we have inner goal to manipulate people - we will manipulate them as our ultimate goal. Nice people ,empathic people do not have ultimate goal to control other people. Narcissists use that. In general - people cannot handle truth - not even Julien - since he obviously never replies to my comment - so he does not follow his own advice. Feedback hurts, cognitive dissonance is painful. And we can only package our message in people pleasing wrap to deliver the truth. Being "honest" will annoy other people - and it is great when we remove people who hate honesty - however in real life - we are stuck in toxic jobs we cannot quit and must stay in contact with other people, we have family members who are difficult - when we follow Julien advice - we would all be isolated and alone - since we would label any person around us as dishonest and we would feel entitled that other people must tolerate our BO and BS - and feel attacked if they do not like it. That is narcissism. He is basically now teaching how to become narcissist. That is totally wrong direction.

Thank you! Glad this was impactful for you!

That is called Jung's Mask - and you do not put it. We are taught to build fake mask and to wear it since childhood. Without this fake mask we would be like Diogenes - we would poop in street, masturbate in public, spit and urinate everywhere and yell at random people. Think of Fake Mask as a Star Trek translation mechanism - it helps us to communicate with various and different people who come from different backgrounds and have their own micro rules and differences. There are big 5 personality types - which different spectrum inside it. It is inevitable that when various people meet - that there will be personality clash. In order to handle and minimize personality clash - we need fake mask. Fake mask can be used in narcissism as a method to cover up vulnerability and toxic shame, and to lure new victims into abuse - but all of us others we use fake mask as a mean to communicate with other people.

@@ranc1977 where should you draw the line?

@@tothemoon8465 "where should you draw the line?" Excellent question. With social anxiety issues such as what colloquially is called "people pleasing" - we are talking here actually is Fawning. Fawning is trauma response. This means, 1) people pleasing is based on some shocking event that we never fully processed so we are stuck in repetition mania - so we need to process the blockage that keeps us stuck and 2) we do not trust ourselves. We depend on other people to explain us what is correct and how we ought to behave , act and what kind of decisions in life we must make - in order not to make mistake, in order to be perfect, in order to make perfect moral and ethical decisions and actions - which all stems from ACoA ACE dysfunction - where we were raised in ambient of control and constant criticism. So problem here is codependency - we depend on other people to explain us reality. That is called External referencing locus of control, it is trauma bonding. So - to answer your question - where should we draw the line: the problem is that we do not trust our own brain. We are conditioned to create false image of superiority and grandiosity, where we are not allowed to make mistakes. Making a mistake means exclusion, punishment - as this was conditioned into us during ACoA childhood. So unless we are aware of this Operand Conditioning that is propelling us to be perfect and to have unrealistic moral and ethical standards that hamper our lives- we will be stuck in treating small symptoms as they crop up. Basically we don't have compass to lead us into greater destiny. Instead - we are stuck in reaction, in reactivity mode, where we depend on other people to make any kind of decisions in life. Breaking the Operand Conditioning, trauma, people pleasing, fawning - means that we start to trust our own brain, even with its conditioning. This is called Validation and total Self Acceptance. This process is described in Humanistic psychology - and it is a slow process. Once we start to validate our decisions, no matter how much flawed and errored they are - we will slowly start to trust our decisions, our emotions - and we will be able to build more resilient personality - that takes care of our own well being and not merely reacting to people through people pleasing or not people pleasing. Once we accept ourselves, as flawed as we are - we will start to make protest and express our needs and wants naturally, without Julien's techniques on stage which will never work in real life when we are faced with predators, skilled brainwashing love-bombing manipulators and discard narcissists of all kinds. Sinead O'Connor told us when we speak our own truth, it will be like digging our own grave - because we live in toxic society where narcissists are brainwashing us into people pleasing. When we people please, we are zombies, other people manipulate and control us and we silently obey to their commands. I like this quote: Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.” Improving our relationships is improving our mental health. William Glasser Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships. Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs. WILLIAM GLASSER Controlling Habits: Blaming Criticizing Complaining Nagging Rewarding To Control Threatening Punishing William Glasser William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits: Listening Supporting Encouraging Negotiating Respecting Accepting Trusting To say what you feel is to dig your own grave Album: I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got Black Boys on Mopeds Song by Sinéad O'Connor Someone who's been mentally abused will: - constantly apologize - feeling not enough - hide feelings - hypersensitive to criticism - breakdown during small disagreements - need a lot of assurance - struggle to put guard down

Thanks for sharing.

@@TheAstrologyVitamin People pleasing is QuietBPD issue. 9 Signs if Quiet BDP 1. You are calm on the outside but suffer on the inside 2. You have a high need for control, and hate uncertainty 3. You withdraw from people and shut down very easily 4. You mentally retreat or dissociate, as coping mechanism 5. You have an unclear sense of self, resulting in low self-esteem 6. You always blame yourself for everything, and self sabotage a lot 7. You avoid conflicts and anger at all cost, and check yourself as not to offend anyone 8. You are extremely fearful of both abandonment and intimacy 9. You look 'perfect' from the outside, but deep down inside you keep on isolating yourself more - Quiet BPD subtype Also known as High-Functioning BPD One of the subtypes of BPD, people living with "quiet" or "discouraged borderline" live in extreme emotional turmoil because they don't show their distress. - not easily detectable - those with the disorder often struggle alone because they feel like a burden - common people-pleasing behavior - withdraw when upset - feel detached from the world to cope - fear of rejection and abandonment - fear of being alone - social anxiety and self isolation (Healthline, 2020) ; thebrightbabe - QuietBPD A person living with quiet BPD will typically internalize their emotions, which creates invisible feelings of turmoil that can make life extremely difficult. While quiet BPD is not an official diagnosis, the use of this term denotes a subtype of BPD that tends to turn symptoms inward rather than outward (which makes it less obivious). As a result of this, quiet BPD often tends to go undiagnosed, misdiagnosed as something else (eg depression, social anxiety, autism), or takes longer to diagnose because of the lack of classic symptoms.

Thank YOU for helping me spread this message! I'm glad it resonates! 🙏

It's sad people become people pleasers due to fear of rejection

Glad to hear it! And yes, massive respect to her!

I deal with similar feelings, and recently I realized that the first step is accepting yourself even for the negative feelings. It is okay to feel sad, and it's okay to feel like shit sometimes. Your feelings are valid, and trying to suppress them will only make it worse. You have to acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel that way and express it. Most of the time it is not the feeling itself, that is problematic. It is us not being able to accept the feeling and trying to suppress it, which is basically not being authentic. So you should be authentic even when you are feeling sad, but you should also be authentic or real enough to also allow yourself to feel good in such situations. For me, I sometimes have the feeling that because something terrible happened in my life that saddens me, I should not experience happy moments during that period. This is also just wrong and again not authentic. You should love yourself regardless of your feelings, accept them, and then let them go. It is hard to do, but it is really worth it :)

@@limonemo7154 For me, I grew up, when I'd cry, or get angry, or have any emotion, happy or sad, I was beaten for it, screamed at, or worse. So, I still feel like, if I cry and let it go, I'm letting them win, even if they never see me cry. I'm beginning to recognize that that is so far from the truth. Letting it go means I win, and the abusers lose, which is what I want, my form of revenge. And I fear having anyone see me emotional because I fear the abuse or screaming is going to happen again. Rationally, I know that won't happen, or if someone puts their hands on me, I could have them arrested, but emotionally ... And it's the emotional knowledge or feeling that will change it all. The rational knowledge does little.

​@@extreme-cm8hbYes! You're right! Do no let them win! You are better than them.

@@emycharaa Thanks so much!!

Yes, when you have to work hard to secure sales, people pleasing is a valuable skill. Julien should remind his audience that their skills have value in certain situations.

And it works only on the stage. It will not work in real life.

@@ranc1977 Maybe you dont try it seriously enough !

@@poljakov13 These biology-based traits are powerful because they are unconscious and affect us without us even realizing it. Because this is an innate predisposition, you cannot will yourself, think yourself, or use more willpower to control or talk your way out of it. (Psychology Today) The Struggles of Quiet BPD Posted July 23, 2021 Over-control may help explain Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder.