In Praise of Unrequited Love 

List of films please!

I can attest to my recent experience having helped me realize (as an adult) what I really want in a mate.

well, who hasn't?

The School of Life It's not unrequited LOVE, but infatuation. Call it what it really is.

My infatuation lasted me 1 1/2 years. I was pained that I knew I could never be with this person. I still admire them just not as strongly like I used to. I wanted to be in this persons life. I wanted to kiss them. Hug them. Tell them how they make my day at work every time they were there. I wanted to make them feel special. I have moved on from my strong slightly passionate feelings for the bloke. I still see him daily and I am always in awe of his quirks and kindness. I wont lie...He isn't all great and that took me a while to realize. After crying over someone like him. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I genuinely liked them for their personality and their quirkiness. It was a sweet experience. I had never felt so infatuated with someone like that before. And it lasted 1 year and about 6 months. It's the longest infatuation I ever felt. I hope they stay sane and healthy for years to come. Id like to visit his grave someday in the distant future.

For me too. And it's enough.

Megan Goldmine Truth

Megan Goldmine very true

And that is why I am writing it down :)

Unreal fantasy is infinitely lesser than real life, especially in the case of matter as important as love.

The Axis of Insight so true

Relatable

This. It seems to be the case that, despite the internet, Charles Bukowski didn't actually say say "Find what you love and let it kill you." But somebody did, and that's the general idea.

Steve Payne Not bad

The dose makes the poison.

confusedwhale Every. Fucking. Time.

Yeah. She's in a cult and im not joining.

shouldn‘t? why?

Badd Choyce lol

:(

Jesus Christ. This comment. 👏👏

If only feelings could be controlled as you mention. Often, there is very less choice, trust me. We don't will feelings to grow and develop. Rather, they drag us, like a wagon horse gone wild, deeper and deeper into a place from where it will be very difficult and painful to escape.

this one hit me right in the feels

Do you also realize at that point that you were selfish and that your first thought at seeing the person you “love” happy was a bitter and envious thought?

magnamia You can choose who you love, you can choose to stop loving. Perhaps it can be harder to control the simple emotions based mostly on hormones and physical reactions, though even that can be controlled, but love is something you choose to have for someone.

Julia Kaltenböck these comments make me feel so sad :( especially yours, and probably because it’s true. But that realization doesn’t take away your love for the other person, for me, it makes it stronger, more meaningful and real, that someone should show you such a beautiful thing about your existence- that you deserve love as well and that you are worthy of love. Just as your adore them, you should adore yourself too. Love is the answer, so can it be okay to love them too? For me, it can.

Few come to that wisdom. I hope you didn't pay too high a price to gain that.

Thank you for sharing, your advice has helped me

Boom

What a wonderful thought!

+1

same..

Kim Her same here. Mine was a school teacher, I was head over heels the moment I saw him walking down the hall towards my class as we waited. That was almost 15 years ago now and I can still remember what he wore that day.

Same There’s a guy in my English class and he’s really smart and ambitious and kind and we kind of know each other and I asked for his number and he saw why I was doing but I said it wasn’t like that and now I feel like any feelings he might of had towards me faded because I “called it off”. This happened a few weeks ago and I feel so stupid for not being more assertive☹️

Same

Farewell Nico I was thinking the same

Farewell Nico yep. I wish there was a community for this (If there is can somebody please tell me)

It kind of gives me hope to know that I’m not the only one who has hopelessly absurd romantic fantasies on a daily basis, not sure if it’s something I could bond around with an actual object of my fantasies though... Does fantasizing about someone objectify them?

This is therapeutic! Almost like a digital therapy circle.

Same

yeah! i've experienced not falling in love with the person, but the fantasy of the person more than i would like to. they become this perfect, ideal creature, but once you realise they just aren't that, the attraction slowly begins to fade and with it all your dreams and fantasies.. and it hurts.

I have had a massive crush on someone for four years. At some point I thought "well, maybe if I get to know him better I will see him as everyone else, as the imperfect human beings we all are". But he is so beautiful even with every flaw he has... And the more I dig into the person he really is, the more I fall for him. I guess I'm screwed.

Paula Sofía Contreras well, I really hope you get to be with this guy.

Paula Sofía Contreras that‘s adorable, all the best of luck!! go get 'em!

Paula Sofía Contreras I know this will seen counterintuitive, but because I've lived through what you're going through, this is my take on it and my suggestions. Stay friends, in contact, with him. Enjoy the experiences you have with him for what they are. Do that to the best of your ability. "Enjoy the ride", rather than keep hurting that you're not "reaching the destination". In the meantime, find things you're really interested in and pursue them. You'll feel enthusiastic and fulfilled, and people find that attractive in others. If you don't have loads of time to devote to being around him, because you're genuinely enjoying yourself, odds are, he'll miss the time you were spending together. Or he won't, and if that happens, it's not the end of the world, either. People can care very much about someone, but not be attracted to them physically, and really not be able to force that -- that wouldn't work out well for either of you, anyway. Think of the opposite -- If you had to force yourself to be in love with someone you only like as a friend. It doesn't feel good on either end. But if he's a bit conflicted in his feelings, "on the fence" about asking you out... If he starts to miss you, plus sees you as a vital, positive person, out doing her own things, it will occur to him that maybe you were what he was looking for the whole time. I've seen it happen. lso, if you don't feel good about yourself physically, take baby steps to do something about it, but do it for YOU. To feel healthier, to be more active, to have better self esteem and more confidence. This might sound preachy. I know confidence isn't an easy thing to come by. Sometimes you just have to fake it, because other people like and respect confident people. And once they give you that positive feedback and reaction, that in turn, will boost your confidence. It's a win-win. I really hope he does fall for you! But if not, and if he's such a wonderful person, then your very lucky to have him for a friend. He probably feels lucky to have you as one. Enjoy what you DO have with others.

Emilia Thomson same! Literally yesterday!

Give it time and be strong. It shall heal.

Exactly the same

Emilia Thomson this was said so nicely I had to like it

It has been 7 months and the wound hasn't completely healed yet.

Yes! 👏🏻

distraction is the key word!

@@kayholand_ Totally !

This is so true

This is terribly true for me.

That was a beautiful point, thanks blue karma.

@TheCarlos16Man I think it's more like living with the negative rather than turning it into a positive. But in that very act you have basically turned the negative into a 'less-negative'

Ashen You’ve hit the nail on the head, clearly a very wise person.👍🏻✌🏻❤️🌹🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇬🇧

@@scarletpimpernelagain9124 haha that's very kind of you! ❤️

To be okay for not being okay

dumplings1997 I feel ya!

It just feels depressing and unfair...dont know if its worth it ultimately...

I can rly relate to this. Thank you for your comment! I feel less alone now.

Thanks for your comment feel the same way

It’s difficult because even though you’ve been hurt too many times and feel like closing off your heart indefinitely there’s always this little sliver of hope

Ezio usually both.

It’s mostly unmeasurable sadness

Holding your own heart sacred and being whole yourself, not needing anyone but wanting someone to share with is the greatest happiness. If someone loves you back great and if they don't great anyway. Choose to be the source of your own happiness!

Thank u

Anything that can be blis can also be hell.

They never do. And they probably never deserved it.

Understandable, but very funny!

Same for me and im 29.

same here. I'm 37 and the only love I've experienced is unrequited. Ugh..this video helped.

@@Jeng4280 thats makes two of us :D now we know we're not THAT odd hehe

Same herr, 39y old

❤ love from India💙

Same exact thing happens to me :)

This is very dark!!!

I had a dream about my unrequited love last night, and it basically undid all the progress i was making in getting over them lol

Julia Clark it’s unfortunate when dreams and fantasies are the only way we can be with them :’-(

T. T yeah

Did you write about it? To my knowledge, no one I've ever loved has died (apart from my father).

Same here, she passed away. We've produce great art...but cut short. Requited as my feelings towards her more intense and serious. Her's towards me as part time lover and more of a soulmate. //// Keep your beautiful memory ❤

@@vincentwong2801 Thank you, same to you ❤

The School of Life Thankyou, I was about to ask

Could you pin this comment? 😊

The School of Life Aw, thank you!

Thumbnail: Black Mirror

which one is the frozen yogurt scene from?

Tell me how you banish it. Do you have a secret?

There's no secret. You just stop caring. You stop giving your time, your energy, your thoughts, your actions towards that which will never happen. Come to terms with the fact that you've wasted enough of yourself in such quest and have strength to not fall for that again. Divorce your mind from that idea and become used to deal in pragmatism.

Yasmin Jade how so? I believe the majority of people do it and do it as escapism.

I agree. For me my life is so shit that I escape to my little worlds a little too much. This causes my growth as a person to stagnate but whatever im gonna die anyway

Marian Elesha that’s exactly why. ive done it all my life to keep the emotional balance in my body, it makes me feel happy and look forward to things/daydreamed possibilities.

Marian Elesha the reason it isnt harmful is because most people can define the difference between their daydreams and reality.

Indeed. Contemplation seems to be defined negatively in our time, as a 'lack of action.'

The truth is we all experience some kind of suffering in life and we all die. Each person can choose to be psychologically destroyed by it or can use it as a catalyst for growth. I choose the latter and am much less afraid of suffering now because I have had enough practice to know it probably won't kill me.

My thoughts exactly. It's just so condescendent. "You're a loser and your crush doesn't like you back? Look on the bright side, at least now you have a crippling obsession with someone who would be terrified to know it, and while you're on it, who don't you just daydream that you have a honeymoon in Paris and four children? It's completely ok since they will never find out".

How did it go? I bet (and hope) things are better now ;)

Agree much more painful than a couple breakup

I doubt you really have unrequited love, rather unrequited infatuation. But maybe I'm wrong and you're totally different from me, because it's killing me slowly

They used to last years and be a source of periodic melancholy for me. However, once I acted on it and I realized how skewed my perception of that person really was. I also discovered that sometimes the price to make my fantasies reality was so big that I when they happened I enjoyed them less than when I imagined them. The truth is you can never really know a person and what dynamic you'd have together until you try. For me love is knowing someone and tenderly admire or at least accept what they are. As long as it's imagined it can only be infatuation because you're not "loving" the person, you're loving what you think that person might be like and the things you might do together. The key word here is might. I used the phrase "unrequited love" because this is how the video called it but it's more like romantic daydreaming. Love is more about the connection itself whereas these fantasizing is more about me, my wishes, my needs, my fetishes. Now I see it as something pleasant I indulge in because it gives me a special state of mind. It's almost like watching a movies except I make it my head inspired by real people and events. As I grew older and had more of them I take them less seriously but I enjoy them more and appreciate their beauty.

What an eloquent reply. Perhaps the most eloquent reply in all of RU-vid :) Your words have been honey to my ears...Sincerely I thank you! Do you write elsewhere online? I could read your writing over and over again.

I'm happy you feel that way. I only write to my journal and sometimes bring my tiny share to RU-vid wisdom in case my comments make some people feel less lonely in their quirks.

TJ R: you gave such a perfect compliment to Georgiana Bere and I completely agree with you

Well said.

What a shame, honestly i can’t understand exactly what you said.

박강산 unilateral love is love given with nothing in return. This kind of love causes the giver to lose themselves but can be solved if the receiver also gives unilateral love at the same time to the other person. Once it stops, the disease begins.

Quod me nutrit me detruit x

Desire, lust, you name it.

it makes total sense to me.

excellent insight, thank you.

Paper Mario There is nothing more unsatisfactory or unfulfilling than loving someone who does not love you back.

superb takeaway, thanks for writing it down.

green alien You will spare yourself a great deal of misery.

If only it was that simple bud

Please don't. It will only get things worse in the long run. Instead learn to accept 1) people with their flaws and 2) the inescapable reality of them hurting you in the end.

be stronger

green alien 😞😞

ShiruSama1 Yeah, it has a very forgiving tone. Which most videos on this channel do because I believe their ultimate philosophy is to accept who are you and what your circumstances are in any given moment, lest you go insane, because we are only human and things will always change. Very noble, but it doesn't change the fact that unrequited love, at least in my experience, was very toxic and delusional and just plain sad. Lol.

Marian Elesha well i think it's fine for people to feel that way but people who feel like this to be depressed because of reality I don't agree with the video that we should only live in a fantasy but I don't think people who feel unrequited love are lowly or pathetic because they have emotions

The video uses footage of Amelie. If you have seen this movie you know her love is as unhealthy as it gets.

@@thijsjong Its the sign of a big heart to fall in love purely for someone. No idealizing or delussion, just atraction and feeling that love, that affection, that need to hug them and hold forever, that yearning to be held and kissed by them. Maybe this pain and insatisfsction gives us a window into ourselves so that we ca see how truly human, weak, frail, impermanent, ever changing, we reslly are. Maybe the unrequited love is a blessing for us, so that we realize that maybe we need someone to be there for us in times of sickness and health, good and bad, to share life and create moments with, to bond, to have someone who understands...Before the unrequited love maybe these feelings were dulled out or in the background, supressed or unacknowledge, but the unrequited love brings this to the forefront...maybe the unrequited love lets us know that the time has come to find someone to fulfill that role and who we can fulfill that roll for, to give and recieve...maybe the unrequited love is the jolt of electricity we needed to take us out of our complaciency, to humble us through pain...maybe we should be grateful for this pain, and forgive that they dont feel the same way, and move on. Its no use idealizing, its no use turning the pain into suffering (suffering being attachment to, and feeding of, pain.) We just have to ride it out, knowing that the one for us is someone who would love us like we love them. Maybe the lesson is patience... maybe one day they can grow to love us, but by then would we have burned all bridges through our passion and delussion, our incontrollable emotions? Can we ride this out, keeping this to ourself, sharing it only with trusted people, crying on the shoulder of friends or relatives. It seemes to me that its not something that requires a confession to the unrequited love in order to move on, because its pretty clear when someone loves you back, or even likes you back, or considers you in the role of lover & companion. I hope we all get through this stronger and happier than we once were. This pain cant last for ever, that is certain. Is the pain a teacher? Is the unrequited love a blessing? I have grown to think so. But one must move on. If that relationship is of the past, if there is no future, then there is no use in feeding these emotions. Acceptance is the final emotion in this rolercoaster, and acceptance can lend peace. We need peace. I hope we can all find it. We deserve our compassion more than anything or anyone. Life is painful, life entails suffering...let us be mindfull, let us be grateful. I am certain that one day we will laugh looking back, or at the very least, feel nothing but detachment from the person we once were and the emotions and feelings which once consumed us. It will take as long as it has to take, but let us procure to not make it longer.

@@frans7995 This is really well written. Thank you! May your journey be a good one

Are you together yet?

Mohamed Chaire in the same boat my friend

I understand my child

Have you ever tried lucid dreaming and control techniques? Perhaps try finding a fiction and/or fantasy story to get really engaged with.

I actually rather like that idea, like you are consciously 'releasing' them from your mind so it does not consume you. However, I think that you should keep in mind that while a relationship can end, it can also go on. They're not equally as likely, but the possibility is always there.

Have you watched Alain de Botton's speeches on love? He's the owner of this chanel, and a brilliant person! I recommend.

Bro I do the same thing and I swear it speeds up the process

applewitheveryone It distracted me from the content of the video, as it is a piece I love so much

Paula Sofía Contreras Same here! I kept humming the piece throughout the video that I missed out on a bunch of key points and had to backtrack several times HAHA

Yes ~ This beautiful piece of music made the video even more compelling for me. Perfect touch, Alain de Botton ! :)

I was scrolling through the entire comment section to find the name of this piece. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

A Nahko reference. A man of culture as well.

Wait Art3mis? As in from Ready Player One. Im the only person that probably loves the movie and the book.

That first quote is spot on. Unrequited love isn't something to be cherished, it's essentially a sickness of the mind that causes you to make terrible life choices and creates a lot of pain both for yourself and the unlucky recipient of your feelings. I wish i'd known years ago how dangerous it is to fixate on an imaginary relationship, it would have saved me a lot of heart-ache. Personally I would advocate the opposite of what this video is suggesting, trying to ground your relationships in reality and see situations for what they really are is a much more healthy strategy then messing yourself up by fantasising too much.

Hear, hear!

Davi de Assis intriguing.

beautifully said..

tabris95 i agree with you. The picture isn’t rosy at all. It is painful and terrible. I would rather love myself than keep on loving someone who doesn’t give a darn about my existence. Sadly, I too happen to be stuck in such a desolate quagmire.

I think being able to see both sides of it would be liberating for many.

The case you describe is the kind of invested unrequited love that I consider unhealthy. I admire that you can give so much without having it reciprocated but I also think such a situation is toxic. It can drain and wound you with long term consequences. If I was the target of your affection I would cut you off swiftly and let time and distance help you heal. The fact he/she doesn't do this for you is a pretty bad sign. They might (hopefully unconsciously) use you or be dependent on something you offer and leave you as soon as they find it somewhere else. As a stranger on RU-vid I'm in a bad position to advise you but please be the wiser one and move away from that situation. You have to be responsible towards yourself and put your well-being first. As for the person you love, it would probably be better for them to treat their issues in therapy than have you play up to them. Many people consider the simple fact that someone loves them enough of an excuse to avoid healing themselves.

tabris95 This gave me such a sense of hope Thank you, sometimes we need a small mommy to snap out of the pain to see that loving yourself,is a key factor in showing love to another person :)

So well put, I agree with you.

Golden Lady how is it great when it isn't real

chiki briki Because you get to create your own story and how it goes. Why do you think the book is always is better than the movie? Because while reading the book you can imagine the way the characters are and the way the settings in the book are YOUR WAY. When having unrequited love it does hurt bc that love isn't reciporcated, however, that's ok bc you can imagine that they do and so much more at the expense of no one, YOUR WAY.

I don't want to be a debbie downer but I think if it's really the only type of love one knows then it might in fact be problematic (and this applies to me as well). Attraction is linked to how well our parents responded to us when we were very young and helpless. Attraction is also rooted in familiarity rather than what we rationally think might be an ideal match for us, so if your parents were for example very busy you might find yourself attracted to people who are in some kind unavailable because they're gay or live far away or are your boss (had all 3 of those scenarios) or whatnot. Of course I don't know your personal situation that well but if you always find yourself to be anxious when a potential love interest shows you they care about you even though they seem to be a good match and you like them it might be a structural problem that needs confrontation.

Alice Dée I like that you said that bit about attraction it was interesting and idk that but now I do. 👌 But I'm not saying I'd feel anxious if a person I had feelings for felt the same way. No way! I'd be stoked! What I'm saying and what this video made me realize is that if the person doesn't have feelings for you back, it's ok. Bc you have your mind and in your mind everything can work out the way YOU want to. But ofc do remember that it is just fantasy and not reality. It sure is a great fantasy, tho 😊

Golden Lady I didn't mean the person you like liking you back, but generally anyone. When someone potentially very cool is actually available (from the beginning) and approaches me romantically it scares me off. Thought it might be similar to you. Nevermind :)

I feel you.

Have you experienced requited love yet?

@@sonyavincent7450 Nope.

@@jjho8 I'm sorry to hear that. Everyone deserves love, I hope you find yours soon.

​@@sonyavincent7450 Thank you! I wish i could say things have gotten better in the past 3 years. But it's only seems to have gotten worse. Still, just need to keep swimming.

@@jjho8 that's a real shame. Try and switch your thinking to love being easily reachable and available for yourself. Like you said, if you've externalised love and put it on a pedestal, you've made it very hard for yourself.

Steve Payne couldn’t agree more

I'd say that the more mentally healthy a person is, the more they could accept this video as being true. However, if your general outlook and self-esteem is not good, it's more likely to be crippling, as you suggest.

KindlingKatalyst Thus spake the trained and qualified psychologist ... not.

You do know that that applies to your original comment too, right? And that not everyone experiences things the same way you do, and assuming they do shows an inexperience with, well, diverse human stories.

so, just suffer indefinitely instead of at least trying to find a way to cope?

uau! for how long is you unrequited love exist?

how are you doing now?

I experienced the same at 26, last year... It gets better. ^^

@joan madjus Does it still pains your heart, kind stranger?

Abhay Sharma Achha

Khushi Joshi worst

Plus the hong kong film, Chunkin express

The gay movie at 3:39 is WEEKEND, 2011

6:01 Black Mirror season 4 ep. 4 Hang the DJ

2:34 is taxi driver

Brazil (1985) also appears multiple times. Lovely and peculiar movie!

KRYMauL Which means you probably do.

This idea of "being immune to love" sounds quite tragic. I imagine it's like taking so many emotional blows that you eventually turn numb toward that feeling...

One day you will fall sick again. It is human nature that we crave for affection

Rem Rens Unless your are a psychopath receive and give love is a basic human necessity. Love is a emotion that can't be repressed, you're just deceiving yourself. I'm saying this because I tried to force my will and rationalization to control the way I perceive affections for years and ended into deep depression.

@MuitoDaora It is possible with training. I haven't fallen in love since and for 6 years now. I also got over my biggest celebrity crush which lasted more than a decade

Khushi Joshi same

rini Hope you'll get over your crush

When ones crush crushes ones emotions, this so called optimism goes down a very steep slope . something stronger--something alcoholy will do wonders----Cheers

you too :( it sucks

rini Ikr. But I'm sure we'll survive this

Everyone deserves love

ryan Love is necessary for everyone you wouldn’t grow up without your mothers love if not your mother some other woman must’ve taken her place and still if you grew up without love that person will turn into a monster

It takes a kind of heroism to actually pursue love, doesn’t it? Because it’s so irrational

Chloe Loves Cats I do 🙇‍♀️

Amen sister.

Rightly put