Is Your CPTSD/Clinging Behavior PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY? 

About 15 years ago, I realized that if I wanted to talk to or see any of my family and most of my "friends," I had to contact them first. I decided to stop chasing people who clearly didn't care. My life has been a lot quieter, and less drama filled. Maybe part of the problem is that I attract narcissists because I have a soft heart, which led to having a soft head. After some bad long-term situations, I no longer have such a soft head, and I'm cynical about people's hard luck stories because most of them either turn out to be their own fault, or they're outright lies.

"...they *are* avoidant people and you... Are attracted *to* them." I felt that in my soul, Anna.

Human beings are meant to attach and bond. We live in a world where we are told to not be attached and to be independent and to not look too "needy". If someone ghosts you because you want to create something meaningful then they are not into you and they are just a crappy human being for not being honest. This whole dating thing is a game that I do not want to play ever again. Text too much and you look like you are overeager and if you don't text at all they say, " you don't seem interested.' We are biologically wired to meet somebody and be with that person in a pair bond. It isn't supposed to be casual and confusing. Unless you do something off-the-charts crazy and someone ghosts you, it's because there is something wrong with THEM, not you.

Her advice makes sense. However, bear in mind there are also many who pay lip service and say things like ‘let’s hang out’, ‘call me’, ‘we should do xyz’ but don’t mean it. It can be confusing and disappointing. With experience you can detect these situations/people quickly and not waste your energy.

It seems like the more someone doesn't want me the more I want them. Like "winning" them over will prove my parents wrong about me.

"We feel uncomfortable when people show up.". This is remarkably true.

I think it needs to be said that people who ghost, cannot give a straight answer to a straight question, or who will not give any leeway to someone who may be trying a bit too hard but is fundamentally a good person… THOSE people aren’t healthy either: they are also damaged and lack basic social skills and human empathy. I don’t think we always deserve to be pathologized for bad situations that were CO-CREATED or are actually the other persons fault!

This has been the story of my life. People just stay away from me, bc they sense something isnt right. My neediness and clingyness drives people away from me. I'm learning to live with being alone.

I almost think that sometimes we are attracted to avoidant people as it's so embarrassing when people ask about your family and so on. It's much easier if they aren't interested in knowing anything personal about you.

Never ever and I mean … EVER … chase up for a reply to a message online dating. Bite your lip - ensnare your fingertips. Don’t don’t don’t !! 😘😘 Just love you Anna ☺️ x

I used to be like this. Everything changed the day I sift all the attention to myself and started loving myself, yes it was selfish, but now my relationships are much much better, people seem to value me more.

Speaking the truth in love: This is why this woman is amazing!

Ghosters are inconsiderate cowards who often have strong passive aggressive traits, in my opinion. Thanks for the good info on how to improve ourselves.

Good one: "There's no revenge like success. " Love that, and its so true, and it doesn't hurt others, only benefits you.

I mean this in the most respectable way, Anna: You're brutal. You say what the person may not want to hear but NEEDS to hear. You made me realize I need a therapist who won't validate me constantly or coddle me. I need the hard truth. Thank you for your honesty in all your videos.

being on the receiving end of avoidant people is so annoying. And confronting my “problem” of being rejected by my own friends feels like an exercise in self humiliation and self deprivation just as much as the rejection does.

Another thing I've learned (the hard way!) with regard to the first letter, asking the guy to let Ally know so she knew where she stood, and that they could talk about it... The guy may think...why should I provide closure FOR her when I'm not interested and have already moved on? Why is HER closure expected to be MY responsibility? I've learned that the "ghosting" IS the closure, or as much as you're going to get. And yeah, anyone who causes us to doubt their interest, to question, to HAVE to wonder? No, thank you. WE don't want THEM.

For the longest time I didn't reciprocate in friendships because I had such a fear of rejection that I couldn't even ask people to hang out. Plus low self-esteem, being excluded, thinking everyone hated me. And so on.

Great advice. Reminds me of the great book "He's just not that into you." I don't respond to everyone who emails, texts or even calls me, but I DO respond right away to someone I'm interested in. If someone I barely know does t respond to me, I don't take it personally and just move on. Pretty simple stuff, as men will move mountains to get a lady's attention that he IS interested in. 😉

Right now, I'm in that awkward transition phase where I'm trying to figure out the balance between clinginess and cold distance. Cold distance is a lot less embarrassing, but a bit lonely, aye?

I appreciate this, and I also have issue with the idea that someone devaluing us based on our own trauma is ok. To me, framing it that way can make those recovering from cPTSD internalize even further that there’s something “wrong” with us or that we deserve this treatment (and no one does). Just because I see someone has low self esteem, etc. does not mean that I will harm them/mistreat them, and that certainly (to me) says more about me than the other person. I do my best to treat people kindly and with respect because that is who I am. Sniffing out vulnerability/taking advantage of someone’s vulnerability and treating someone poorly because they’ll let you is predatory behavior, not justifiable, and that doesn’t change that those of us with cPTSD can learn new skills and boundaries around allowing it. Both can be true.

About 20 years ago, I was in my living room and I as thinking about all the men in my life went away. I saw me in the mirror and it hit me at that moment that I'm the one that is choosing men who go away because I didn't feel good enough about myself to find a person who wouldn't leave. That changed my life. I'm single and while it would be wonderful if I met someone, I'm happy with me, where I am, and am going to enjoy my life. Life is too precious to waste on waiting for something to make you happy. We need to make ourselves happy.

You are not responsible for other people’s behavior. If someone ghosts you, it’s because they are hurtful. There’s no reason they can’t say “I need a little space.“ Or, hell, maybe even try to be a friend and bite their lip and see you through it. After all, if you have to go through the agony of losing a friend when you are already lonely, why shouldn’t they have to go through the mild annoyance of having to be supportive for a few extra hours every so often?

I’m 39 and just starting to realize that I may have ptsd and borderline. I grew up with an abusive step father and an alcoholic mother. I still find myself tensing up if I hear a loud noise or if someone is angry and I really suck at friendships, if I start to feel like they’re detaching from me I’ll destroy the whole friendship and leave. I knew that I had trauma and issues because of how I grew up but never thought ptsd could be involved, this channel is definitely a god send!

Oh, how painful it can be when you hold up a mirror for me to see myself more clearly.😊 Thank you so much for saying the things that no one else will say to us. I think that people sense that we are in some ways delicate or fragile and therefore they do have to ghost us because they don't want to feel responsible for us being devastated again. I think we have some incredible strength in our personalities from being neglected. We had to validate ourselves and pull ourselves along. But, if our own parents didn't seem to see anything special in us then it opens old wounds when someone else seems to not think that there is something worth spending time to get to know us. Sometimes, I feel like the strongest weakest person I ever met. Thank you for all that you do. Sincerely, Carly

Ally, you never have to send a message like that to people that don't want to be with you. If they are interested they will message you. No need to ask if they are ok. I did that too. Just makes you feel bad after.

Guy blocked me after ghosting, I felt my whole world shatter. Even if I know I don’t want that kind of guy who cannot say straight why not interested anymore. I feel I cannot attach to anybody no more, before I got overly attached. I thought he loved me. I cannot trust anybody says the truth about themselves, especially online.

Last male of my family name. Mom moved away at 11 . Dad gave me 15 minutes to move out of the home that I was raised in at 16 and he left the state. Rarely introduced to extended family like aunts and uncles. All for being gay. Doing hair for 23 years trained a condensed version of people pleasing. 48 years old now no family no friends. You just described my behavior. Great work CCF. I bombard with compliments and outrageous gift$ . I have won the world’s record for most ghosted. I do unconscious bargaining. That’s it! ❤

I tried to step back and I started to focus on hobbies and things that make me happy. Automatically good people come themselves. Even date invitations.

Sadly ghosting is also a part of our society now. There’s so many options and different app we use. We find one flaw with someone and decide to stop talking to them so we can move on to the next person.

I push people away or they push me away. I’m tired of isolation that abuse caused by my mother, sister, father, family, mother’s family, friends, therapists caused. I even avoid online support group accountability partners when I’m discouraged, belittled, humiliated, scared, traumatized, isolated by, pushed away by, ghosted by one or a few even though many accept me.

I think this could be applied to so many relationships. In work relationships I think I've sometimes been over giving, then turned resentful when my overachieving wasn't celebrated. Clear and subtle analysis, thanks!

My goodness, Anna, the way you are able to fully acknowledge the people who write in to you is such a loving act to see. And your example of being able to "show up" for someone without taking over their stuff is a very important behavior to witness. Thank you for being such an example for me.

I have always been dumped since I was probably 4yrs old. I am a giver always have been. People don't think it important or I'm important. They just leave me period. I had a horrible childhood. Very traumatic, many foster homes where they always tried changing me from left handed to right handed, to my voice, looks, you name it. I didn't get to live with a nurturing mother. Father was sexually abusive and I could never leave the apt we lived in except for school. I live this way, 1 room and only walk my dog when physically able. Have no friends because of the way I am. I feel like I'm the worst,misunderstood person and I'm so depressed. Therapist got fired last month. I considered her a friend but it's the way I perceived it. She never scolded me or put me down. I'm full of rejection, emotional pain. No family, no friends no nothing!

There was a reason I avoided watching this video right away... I knew it would probably be a tough truth to hear. The title alone tapped into my shame that I tend to pretend in not their. Thank You.

This feels a bit distressing as someone with cptsd and attachment issues, but not a clingy person, and who has experienced awful ghosting. We dated for 7 months, he brought up marriage and kids after 4 or 5 months, rsvped as my plus-one to a friend's 30th, and the next day fell off the earth. It broke me, destroyed my self esteem far worse than the end of my prior ten year relationship. I'm trying to step back and balance this as me being the wrong audience for this particular video, but hearing cptsd with attachment issues as causing others to behave abhorrently is difficult. They choose to act badly. They can communicate if they aren't comfortable with the way things are going. Thankfully I'm now in a better place and found a lovely guy willing to give me the space to work through my traumas, and he's been patient and supportive, it's been almost two years :) Not meaning to be negatively critical, just my thoughts x

I have learned this the hard way.. To the point where I don't try for any relationships anymore.....

Even people who pursue me first end up ghosting me i get so hurt that as soon as they take more than 3 days to respond i just delete them and run. I honestly was being too clingy and responding in more than the neurotypical 2/3 messages lololol

Wow... I feel like such a loser because the person described here is me. It feels overwhelming and damn near impossible to get out of. I want to be loved and not have to beg people to do it. We are the most worthy people of love and so many people don't understand that just a little bit goes so far. We are so understanding of them, though. I need to check your courses. I know it sounds dumb and childish, but my deepest sentiment is just that "it's not fair." Why can't other people just understand that just need love, too?!?

A LOT of men simply want women for sex.....then when they get what they want BOOM they disappear. That's why it's important to hold of sexual interaction until you really get to know them. It's NOT always due to us and our CPTSD. There's a massive amount of men out there that DON'T want a relationship. They will lie to get what they want.

i love your videos but this is a tricky one. ghosting is a hurtful, immature, anti-social act that became a widely spread phenomenon, thats one thing. the other thing is that people need people, point blank. not every need is needy. not every emotion portrayed is a sign of lack of self control. we need people and we have feelings and we cant regulate at all times. awareness is key of course but the human experience isnt perfect and sometimes people react..inspite of good intentions

Spot on! I was a clinger for years and it took decades to value myself enough to take that step back and allow others to appreciate and value that space. As a roaring CPTSD co-dependant in my younger years I had to learn to stand alone. Clinging, as you say, keeps us forever disappointed. None of us want to feel stifled, but the truth is, I needed what I wasn't given as a child. Lack of self-worth and self-esteem had me forever in search of what was missing. I had to learn to grow up and take responsibility for myself. It is sad when a child is damaged in this way, forever losing what he/she so desperately needs which isn't a constant broken heart. 💔

My mom left when my little sister was nine. I was maybe 14. God, how I can see the impact in our lives to this day. Even tho we are so close with her now. Oh God. I’ve been binging your videos. Thanks for your work.

This was such a great video. I feel for Rose and I went through that pretty much my whole life with friends. I'd do so much for them and not get anything back. Now it's been 5 years and I have a few people I keep in touch with and I just show up and if their not on board to do things then I'm glad to go myself. It takes time to get there. I hope Rose sees the value in herself which is most important.

Clingy? I’m so clingy that my 🐱, feels smothered.

My mom is one who gives a lot of what she thinks you need and then develops expectations for you to meet her demands on the other side. Our relationship has been bad for years and just seems to get worse with time. When I hear her talk about her relationship disappointments and frustrations including my dad, her siblings and friends, it's always the other person's fault. She had a lot of trauma in her childhood, so I feel a bit guilty and sad that we don't have a better relationship. Unfortunately, I'm not in a place in my life where I have a lot of emotional energy for two hour phone calls where she barely gives me a chance to speak and doesn't show any interest in how I'm doing or what's going on in my life.

Only nine minutes in and this is the most on-point RU-vid video out of hundreds and hundreds I’ve watched that hit the nail on the head for me regarding the gal who was ghosted and thirsty. So hard to not feel shame when u recognize that in ur self, but I’ve learned self-compassion is where it’s at. TY for this incredible message CCF!

I’ve been ghosted a few times, I usually wait a few days and write “I’m sorry things didn’t work out for whatever reason but it was nice getting to know you and I wish you the best of luck.

The first girl doesn’t understand that she’s in his rotation, and it’s not here turn yet. When it doesn’t work out with the other girls he thinks are better, he’ll be back. The ghosting was to leave the door open for future fuckery. Whenever a man pulls away, it’s over. He doesn’t like you, or he’d never do anything to lose you. Just learn to ghost back and make it last forever.

This video made me cry because it was true and acknowledging that this is exactly how I respond in my connections with people really hurts. I hope I can ultimately heal from this and experience healthy reciprocal love

Or people who never cared... That could be a reason for being ghosted.

I just want to give Rose a big hug, because I understand her frustration with "friends".

I think people should have to pass a mental health test before they can have children.

I needed to hear this so, so much!! It's like a light has been turned on in a room that I've been standing in, facing a mirror, trying to see myself but unable to because of the darkness.

I find myself trying too hard to win the approval of coworkers even when there’s no indication they don’t like me. There were a lot of mind games at my previous job.

I just wanna say thank you, to Anna and all of you for sharing. I'm a definite love addict, when being ignored and an avoidant when being "chased" or maybe just treated normal. So I'm grateful to find all of you. Wanted to add, I over text, say too much when I "shouldn't" or when I'm being ghosted. But sometimes that's just what I have to do. It might be sabotage because it's totally unhealthy. But I'm not ashamed because I'm just getting it out and it helps me let go off the unhealthy. And if it's not an unhealthy situation or if it's a workable relationship, it can open communication. As I'm not the best communicator and relationships either!! Alternately, it can be quick to scare people off even more and close the door that needed to be closed and that's not an awful thing either at least to get it out! So don't be ashamed if you text too much. I'm not advising it I'm just saying.

I really REALLY needed this in 1993... :-) :-) :-)

I watch your channel every morning as an addition to your daily practice and it always grounds me in the present and allows me to experience life, take others into consideration, rather than react to things as if things are being done to me. Honestly, choosing growth and healing over projecting my traumas is an exhausting process, and at the same time, every time I make the mistake of not taking care of myself, not filling my own resource well, and choosing to project, I always regret it not only because it hurts others, but also because I know better than to do that anymore. I have tools to be able to deal with it, in large part thanks to you--thank you Anna Runkle 💛💛💛💛

OMG, Rose, my heart breaks for her. Very similar experiences in growing up and how my relationships have been. The most helpful but painful thing I learned was that I was unconsciously writing unspoken contracts. I was manic situations to my needs instead of letting them be what they are in a “let’s see” kinda perspective. It all driven from low self worth. I’ve built it up with making and maintaining boundaries with myself.

Another illuminating letter session. A chance to think about how I’ve been as a friend and who I want to be as a friend. And to know that when I’m ready for dating I’ll have a new tool bag full of skills thanks to what I’m learning thru CCF.

Also many many thankyou's to you and your channel as while I'm turning 60 this year and most my dating years are behind me .it's such a relief to finally come across someone who understands this at roots level and is educating the masses for those of us who have missed out on a healthy relationship due to past deep seated childhood Trauma and stop blaming ourself but at least try and change some behaviour's.

Letter #2 so resonates with me. Right down to mother and father except my mother didn't abandon the family unit for another (although she did inform me multiple times if it weren't for me she and my dad would have divorced but that she could only afford to take my brother with her. Inferring it was "my fault" she stayed in an abusive marriage.) Instead, she shipped me off every summer to my grandmother's and would only call after she knew I had gone to bed "for the report". My grandmother must have guilted her into writing me (at least once) as every day I would sit by the mailbox and wait for a letter from home. In those letters (one maybe two a summer) she would report to me all the things they were doing without me (like drive-ins, mini golf, etc.) Essentially stuff they were too busy to do with me when I was "home". I took care of her while she was dying and all her affairs right down to unloading her life only to find a box in the far reaches of her closet after she died wherein were all the pictures of me growing up, first marriage, graduations, etc. My complaint throughout the years I was home was that there were no pictures of me (just of my brother and my parents and relatives). She always blew it off and said I was emotional/gas lighted me and said I took them and lost them. (?) My dad put it down to parents taking pics of the first born for every/any occasion and who cares after that. (!) But there were pictures of me (plus the milestone ones later on). She simply vetted them all out of the family collection and hid them away for me to find one day, I guess, as a final "statement" of rejection. That's pure malevolency right there and puts a tidy bow on her sentiment about me. I truly value your videos. I've been watching a couple of channels about narcissistic abuse - which resonate very deeply with me. But your videos are crystalizing nuances about me (actually glaring!) I haven't been able to identify, hold onto and process. Thank you.

I can relate so much to Rose and I think Anna is totally right: the bargain was non existent. It was only in our head, and we feel resentment at some point. Not our fault, but we need to heal. Big hug to you!

This conversation is so helpful for me to understand how my CPTSD story shapes my relationships. I met a woman friend in my town and we happened to both originally come from the same area on the opposite coast, so it felt like we spoke the same language. We laughed a lot when we got together a few times, and emailed fairly regularly. Then she started pulling away, and I didn’t know why. It was a puzzle I needed to solve. Still bothers me. She ended up moving away and while preparing to move she’d tell me (via email) she was going to update me on her trip across the country, and ask for recommendations from me about places to go when she got there. I never heard from her again. I waited about six months and emailed her, wishing her well while still wondering why our friendship went awry. It’s still something unresolved in me, a ghosting, and frankly something I wish had lasted. It occurred to me while listening to this that perhaps she too may have CPTSD. Part of me just wanted to know if I did something wrong.

Thank you for breaking it down and giving concrete examples/explanations. It’s wild how it’s so hard to see when that’s what you were conditioned to as “normal”. I didn’t have the type of traumatic experience that you or Rose did so I can only imagine how much harder it might be for someone from a more painful past. So grateful to find out that you have healed and have a healthy marriage-at 31, having known something was wrong with me since 6th grade, I was losing hope of ever being able to “fix” what was wrong and preventing me from finding a loving relationship.

This was simultaneously extremely helpful and highly triggering (I feel seen lol!). I really appreciate these longer videos that combine responses to multiple letters on a common theme. Thanks for sharing your insights, Anna. To the letter writers: you are so not alone! I have done the same things and had the same thoughts as you in response to people who have distanced themselves from me. To complicate matters further, I think to an extent we are trained socially, professionally, etc. that it is “healthy” and “expected” to over give and be over accommodating, as this will allow us to stand out from the pack and survive our jobs and relationships. To the first letter writer, I have had a similar text interaction with someone. I worded my message in a similar way as you, probably for all the reasons that Anna is describing, and also because that is the language that I believe I would want to receive if the tables were turned that would also evoke the desired closure that I believed I would owe the person if I was operating from a place of integrity. I could see the ways in which you were being thoughtful and considerate and wanting to believe the best in the person. On top of all that, dating in general these days has become quite distorted so I think the social fabric of finding a mate is somewhat difficult for all of us to move within, with or without CPTSD. Again, you are SO not alone! To the second letter writer, I have totally been in your shoes with the overextending and gift giving. I have this weird thing going where I have the gift giving love language but am also highly suspicious of gifts given to me because in the past they have been used as leverage to manipulate and control me. I think gifts are a sensitive touch point for many people (think of all the emotion tied up with the holidays) and we as a culture have a lot of baggage to sort through when it comes to giving and receiving. You are also SO not alone! Good luck and be good to yourselves, everyone. 💙🌿

I know this is an older video, but i've made amazing leaps in healing my childhood traumas that I thought scarred over. I never thought I could learn as much as I have from just watching a couple of your videos. They're so specific to what I have gone through that I've grown hopeful and have been able to face the rest of my days sober. Now when I try to smoke or participate in harmful behaviors, it doesn't feel the same. I only want better for myself now and that's such an improvement to who I was before. Thank you truly for this channel, I'm excited to live to my life now and take charge instead of dulling myself and putting myself in the passenger seat. I have respect for myself now and don't let others step on me or take my energy anymore, I can learn to love myself now. I'll continue to come back here whenever life gets foggy. Much love.

This is so good for those of us who ended up being kid caretakers to narcissistic neglectful parents. Learning to stop over giving and to stop being a doormat is easy once you unpack why you’re doing it,

Ugh yes this is my life, I some how managed to have an 11 year long relationship with my bf and I have a few people I talk to but relationships are difficult because I was ignored a lot when I was younger so I developed a need to fill the void but obviously now it all makes sense I was way to clingy.

Hearing 'Allie's' comment out loud was indeed like pulling the veil off for me too because while it is totally the sort of message I would send, listening I instantly felt a pretty strong "oof, that is not going to land anywhere near as well as intended" and it actually broke my heart a bit because what she is trying to do is put the other person's needs before her own which is like, friendly, right? (although that doesn't mean it is adaptive or recommendable) but really is just kind of obfuscating communication in a way that is obvious to the other person but not to her, while simultaneously (accidentally) failing to meet the other person's need for space. In other words it's surprisingly efficient in its self-defeating effect, which is sad because it is not at all difficult to believe that there is not an ounce of malicious intent behind it.

All comments are so realictic... I am overwhelmed. Clarity is comming my way. Thank you, Anna.👏👏👏👍🙏

There is no way for me to tell you how much I'm learning about myself through your videos and programs. Thank you, they work.

I totally understand now why clinging to people and trying too hard can cause them to go away...this video helped me see that this is something I need to deal with. Thanks for the insights !!

Friends, as painful as it is to accept, the vast majority of ghosters are “just not that into you.” They don’t want to experience the negative emotions associated with hurting your feelings. If they don’t text back, just let go. If they come back, consider if you want someone in your life like that

Spot on! You are a huge cog in my healing wheel! I’ve been super conscious about not over sharing after learning the hard way. Thank you for the reinforcement!

What you say in these videos is so important, but HOW you say it is what really helps. Thank you ✨

Mostly agree. Yet, some people are just ghosters. They get off of that. It happened to me a couple of times with two guys, and twice with friends of years. Later found out why these folks ghosted, and had nothing to do with anything I did or said. They were just insecure/envious cowardly low frequency petty narcs.

Love your gentle but frank way of saying what is sometimes harsh reality.

Being an extrovert when most of your friends are introverts feels very similar to being consistently ghosted. You question if you're being too talkative, when it's really just conflicting personality traits and they eventually get back to you when they have the social energy xD

Just a few minutes in and im loving this .

These behaviours must be what people mean when they say someone tried too hard in a relationship. But it feels like the other person didn't try much. To me, it indicates a mismatch. I've begged as in that first letter when I was young, but was blessed in marrying a man who loves to please me in return and we've been committed to each other for 32 years now. Though my mother never accepted me and I let people take advantage of me at times, I see more clearly now what happened and don't feel responsible for their bad behaviour any more

'My mother would lock me in the room to do activities with my cousins that she didn't want me to be a part of'. My mother used to take off with my half brother, sometimes just a day in Paris, shopping and visiting museums, sometimes several days at a time, sightseeing etc. Her argument was always that I didn't deserve it. So I stayed at home and did the housework... except when I was in kindergarten, when she would tie me up to a chair (a bit like Genie...), for her one day trips. Previously, she had just locked me inside the house, but I had waved to neighbours through the window, as I was bored, and the neighbours had questioned why my mother was leaving a 4 year old home alone... Of course, while I was tied up to the chair, sometimes, my bladder would fill up, and I would end up urinating on myself and the floor... and when my mother got home, there would be Hell to pay.

I love your videos and insights. Instead of criticizing and or passing judgements or being overly opinionated, you created an environment that feels safe and makes it easier to take some of the hard truth or “ tough love” in and implement. Thank you.

Emotional spackle is now my new fave word. That really really resonated with me. And going to the hardware store for milk...things like this hit parts that maybe were talked out and shut down...but I could feel it like, yessss this!!💗

See so much of myself in Rose, I just want to give her a hug.

Emotional spackle is the besttt phrase 😂 love it and 100% true

Rose! You sound like a very self aware and enlightened person, and a very loving and giving soul. Your childhood sounds so painful, and the you back then and the you now, did and do not deserve that. I wish you so much love. 💝

Thank you, I think I needed to hear this. You've given me a lot to think about, validation, some hard truths, this makes me uncomfortable, which means it's probably important...💜

NO excuses for ghosters. Period.

So true ...Great how you disected her text, on the ghosting letter. The second letter with Rose ... Omg, I wanted to cry, too. "Don't go to the hardware store for milk".

I’ve been in the first situation, more specifically ones where the person said I could ask for reassurance as needed, then we’d make vague plans and they’d disappear. They’d come back and I’d say hey, some reassurance or communication would’ve been nice. Another thing is when I tell people they can tell me if I’m clinging too much or doing something wrong and they do so by lashing out later on. I’ve learned to reassure myself and not always assume the worst but also recognize when people are pulling away or not interested. People not being honest actually hurts my feelings. But I’ve learned most people don’t like when you say hey I understand what I did wrong but here’s what you did that hurt me. I’m learning most people don’t have that emotional dexterity and I can’t make them. I’m a much different person now and I don’t over give. I try to be reciprocal and not do more than my fair share. Another component that I can’t because change tho, is myself disability. People rarely treat me equally or give me the communication and clarity I crave. I’ve learned to just say my piece for me and walk away as necessary.

This spoke to my soul. Thanks fairy, your videos have helped me tremendously

Great advice! If you find yourself having to use a lot of "emotional spackle" just to be with them then know that it will always be that way, and do you really want that? How you are in the beginning of a relationship they expect you to always be, just as you expect them to stay pretty much the same. If you act a certain way at the beginning of a relationship just to reel people in, but then do an about turn and change into someone else who needs a lot of boundaries, of course they will not react well. Just as you wouldn't react well if they suddenly changed the tone of the relationship.

I have had a lot of painful friendships, where I have been ghosted. I have also ghosted others. I realize that I can be too intense and caught up in dissecting and over analyzing everything and that is really too hard for others. And I have been self-centered. Working on those continually. I think that comes along with the cpstd package. I have grown a lot and am much more aware of what is happening internally and have had to learn that it’s okay when someone doesn’t want to be my friend, or, even harder for me, is when I don’t want to be theirs. It’s hard to know what is going on in their lives. People make choices about what is right for them. We don’t always have a lot information. It’s easier for me to accept them rejecting me, then the guilt I feel of rejecting them. Sometimes, I am a really great listener. Other times, I need to process my own stuff in solitude and am not. One time, I ran into an acquaintance at the store and she had a lot of stuff to process. I wasn’t too busywork the time so I gave her like two hours of undivided attention, just listening. After this, she invited she somewhere and I said ,”no” because I really didn’t have the interest in being in her life. At first, she looked hurt, but then, she took a deep breath and said, “ I really appreciate your taking the time listening to me.” It was a healing moment for both of us- I realized it was okay to say “no” to a deeper relationship with her, and she realized that I had given her a gift of really hearing her and validating her feelings. It was really hard for me for not to go along because she asked for more of my time. I just didn’t have the room for another relationship, but so liked her as a person. I didn’t have to have guilt, and she didn’t need to reject herself because of my limitations. There have been times when I think having some feedback from a person that I wished to continue to be friends with that dropped me, would have been able to tell me why so I could self-reflect on that, times it would be helpful. Not my next door neighbor;) but not having great boundaries leaves you clueless sometimes- and I have had to learn the hard way. No one likes criticism, but if I do or say something hurtful, I want to know so I can fix it. Of course , there is a lot to weigh-how important the friendship is- and whether or not you want to risk that vulnerability. Learning to be a better friend is good work I will be doing the rest of my life, starting with the friendship with me. Am I a good friend to myself?

Thank you for this video! This video was the push I needed to join as a member for access to the courses- I would forget to do it every time I leave your videos.

My Mom and Dad split when I was 10; my Dad had always called me “special baby” and we were super close…or so I thought. Dad cheated and Mom was kicking him out. Mom came into my room and asked me if I wanted to stay with her or go with him. My older sister was staying with Mom and I was closer to Dad so I told her if she wouldn’t be upset with me I would like to go with Dad. She left the room very hurt and when she told Dad I wanted to go with him, he said, “I’m not taking any god damn kids with me.” So…I alienated myself with my Mom and I was devastated that my Dad turned me away; I never ever felt the same about any relationships. That is only one of the stressers from my childhood - some were far worse experiences but this had me looking in from the outside go forward even up to their passing.

Nailed all my abandonment issues in 5 minutes. Just for the record, even I ghost me.

Honesty and reality, yeah baby! Really needed to see this and remind myself.

I'm not sure how this showed up in my suggested videos, but I'm so glad you did. I logged on to watch some mindless RU-vid, and now I'm crying. At 18:48, I've needed to hear that for decades. I'm numb, but I'm going to replay it a few times so I can feel it, and etch it into my heart. Thank you so very, very much.

Thank you for the gift of these videos.