I'm the son of a dad that was like that, the guy that only brings a paycheck and doesn't want to deal with anything else. And it sucked, I needed a father, someone to be more involved in my life, give me advice, teach me how to be a man. He himself was more of a child than I was. And no that is not acceptable. Don't get married if you are not ready to be responsible for a family.
@@Bucephalus84 It's an eastern culture where I am from, all dads stick around to take care of their kids, and then when he's old, I'm expected to take care of him(which I am) it's not entirely selfless it's a retirement plan. He complained all the way through(complaining comes in our genes) I once asked him why did he get married at all, and his answer was "because I was told that I should"
@@Bucephalus84 Honestly? That's the bare minimum in my eyes. A child needs both, a caring mother and a caring father. Plenty of boys are becoming miserable men wishing their fathers taught them something, or spent more time with them. Many women sit at a psychologist, talking about their (failed) relationships with their mothers. The same's happening to boys regarding their fathers.
*don't HAVE KIDS if you aren't ready to be responsible for a family. It's 2023, and plenty of people get married for love and reasons beyond having kids. Stop assuming everyone who gets married plans to or should plan to have kids.
This women has no concept of what a bay needs. She works full time, He’s out there dealing with horrible people in the community. She is blind and self centered. Stay home & be nurturing Mom & wife. He’ll warm up soon enough!
And she will want him to continue to support her and the kids. Women hate the “just a paycheck” men, but they will be damned before they give up his paycheck. 😂😂😂
If I work full time and he works full time we both take equal responsibility for the household and child raising. It's called being a grown up and supporting your family's wellbeing.
@Arwyn Do single mums often stay married and continue to live with their husbands? If so I think that would put them in the unhappily married category rather than the single mum category. This caller was discussing being married, albeit unhappily, She wasn't saying she was a single mum.
Had this talk with my husband who was useless for over 14 years. Only thing that made him change was telling him I want a divorce bc no father is better than a shitty father. When he realized I meant it, he changed 180. Alot of people will do as little as possible if they can get away with it.
So frustrating that it takes threatening divorce bc basically that 180 change shows that they had it in them the whole time but they just didn’t care enough to do it before then. 🤦🏼♀️
It also shows how they will go right back to their selfish ways as soon as they feel they can get away with it. They only temporarily change to keep their victims around@@CairynJay
Yeah you were able to make that threat because the legal system is a joke and you could take half of his resources in perpetuity while going and doing whatever you want.
When young men aren’t raised doing their own laundry, clean up in the kitchen, and are raised with mom doing it all for them…..they aren’t self sufficient. The needs of others just don’t occur to them.
My husband was actually raised that way, he help with his younger siblings, knew how to cook(good enough for his age) did other chores around the house all the time… and now he does the same things the caller’s husband does, meaning NOTHING but bring home the check 🤷🏻♀️
Wrong. Grew up, spoiled, and never have to lift a finger. Had parents who never spent time with me. Always at work. Was told to get a job year yound at 15 in HS. Get out by 18. Married 23 years with 11 year olds. I do most of the cleaning in the house and laundry.
Cops work 3 to 4 days a week long shifts like nurses. I have 6 cops in our family. They cook, take kids to games, and pretty involved. He is slacking. Two adults working full time with kids under 5 years old is hard.
Here in Central Florida I know of no LEO'S that work 3-4 day wk shifts. Maybe we are very short-staffed? I have lots in our family& they are always working 5-6days wk. They do try to be as involved as can be in their family life.
I have cops in my family. They are all capable of empathy and helping out for the greater good. A cop devoid of those two characteristics.... is scary.
Exactly. I have a brother who is a cop and I know him as a cop and brother and see him how he is as a father and husband and honestly I admire him for how he is as a father/husband. He can blur the lines of brother and cop at times but I've learned to look past that and accept that at least he is being an amazing father and husband to his family. He coaches for his sons sports teams. He makes sure his wife is taken care of. His wife got sepsis(sp?) And he left work early to get her to the hospital and stayed with her. I love that about him. He knows his job is serious but his family is more important to him.
There's a much higher risk of US police abusing their partner in the home. I read somewhere they're 40% more likely to abuse their partner, although how accurate that figure is, I'm not sure.
@@KrystleLaughter Not necessarily true. I speak from experience (having witnessed my 'friend' haha) that a marriage can go for years without intimacy, yet no cheating.
@@instanoodles I hope I can dodge getting married far better than the caller's husband did. The opposite of dodging a bullet is jumping in front of one, which might be what he did when he chose to get married.
I'm honestly sick of hearing that men can't be held accountable without coddling them. She works even more than him and takes on more responsibility. He needs to just man up and help her and set his ego aside. Police officer or not!
He could be deeply depressed. Have you ever considered approaching things with compassion and understanding rather than the misandrist goto of "hE nEeDs tO jUsT mAn uP". Probably things people heard just before they noped out of life. You're also hearing a one-sided version of the story.
@@ydoucare55 it's not ok for depressed adults to just neglect their children and household duties without getting help. And there is no amount of empathy on the wife's side that will help the man make the choice to get better.
Yet women need to be perpetually coddled? Forget the legal system which is already outrageously protective of women. John literally has a show where he told a disabled vet to stay with his depressed psycho wife who pulled a gun infront of his kids. While later in the show he told a wife that she might have to leave her fat lazy stay at home dad of a husband. If that isn’t bias and coddling I don’t know what is.
@@ydoucare55 Mom's struggle with deep depression as well. You can't just not do what your suppose to when mental illness comes in. The husband in the story refuses help and avoids his support structure and it seems like he is simply just lazy and unaccountable.
Yeah he’s my favorite team member aside from Dave. I really like how he conducts his show, his tone, the balance of seriousness and humor.. really really good show.
The fact he doesn't even want to hug or kiss her says everything we need to know....he's fallen out of love with this woman, which is a sad sad reality that must be realized on her part. That's it...
exactly... if i had a husband that acted this way i would immediately accuse him of cheating or be like you dont love me anymore its not working and i need to find my happiness
Love is a choice and an action, not a feeling. The initial infatuation ebbs and flows, but it’s his job to actively love his wife in how he treats and cares for her no matter how he feels that day. People bounce from new relationship to new relationship to try and keep that initial feeling going, but it’s about putting in the work not some imaginary soulmate. This is wisdom from many couples I know, including my parents, who are very happy after 40+ years together. Don’t be a quitter.
@@cathyl7944 Yes but the MAJOR red flag is that he 's uncomfortable with just hugging/kissing her. He is actively and continuously choosing to NOT love her, and doesn't want to do anything to show that he loves her. Seems that he has absolutely 0 interest in making this relationship work.
Cathy L, that’s the most ridiculous thing that Love is a choice, and not a feeling. If that were true, anyone could marry anyone and be happy with them. One may choose to act in a loving way to anyone, but for an intimate long-term relationship, one must have feelings of love, affection, desire, and attraction to their partner. Sometimes we don’t feel any of these, but we know it’s temporary, and we do still love our partner, but if you don’t feel any of these emotions for a long time, then you can’t force yourself to want someone.
Laziness is a big problem with marriages. Being the main bread winner in my marriage we separate bills based on how much we can pay so inherently I get the brunt of the bills. That being said we both work full time, not one works harder than the other and we know each other’s love languages. She gives me hugs and stuff and I give her the words of affirmation and the gifts. But the share of home cleaning and everything is split between us becuz we have a team mentality. Team mentality is the key to marriage emotionally physically spiritually and economically. When I see her debt I see it as our debt. Early on she would say “I feel bad cuz it’s ur money” but once the team mentality was instilled it became our money. We r down to just the mortgage and 5k left on our car.
Aww that’s awesome ! My husband and I just got married. It’ll be a year this March. We don’t have any children but so far we split stuff. I love it ❤️ in my opinion it’s about being a real and never giving up even through the rough patches.
You can’t save a marriage by yourself. It takes two to make an effort, or else the one making all the effort ends up burning out, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It’s extremely damaging to that person if it’s all give and no one is giving back to you. She needs her energy for her baby, herself, and her job. There is not much left after that to spend on an unresponsive and cold spouse. That neglect will drain her faster. It’s very sad.
The advice that she should stop "nagging" him and have empathy is so shortsided. She's not an endless well of empathy for herself, the child, and the adult man.
Why would it be any different if she was at home? Are we not a family with responsibilities and needing to both put 100% into this?! You know childrearing is a full time job? We just dont sit around all day on social media twiddling our thumbs wasting our husbands money and our time?! The more kids you have the more work at home, even if you stay home and the kids go to school when older. If you homeschool, you are educating and having to constantly pick up/ do chores because the kids are there with you almost 24/7 (barring outside activities). We have forgotten in society how useful and hard working our stay at home moms were before they all went to work. Now they are all exhausted after working full time and still expected to be mom too and a wife. And we wonder why marriage struggles, mental health issues and dissatisfied feelings have risen so much!
Even so, being a mom never stops. They don’t go to dad with their emotional problems just like they prefer to play with dad over mom. The science is in. Her job is 24/7. She’s on-call. They probably don’t even feel safe waking dad up after they had a nightmare.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 if you were staying at home you should be capable of doing it all in the time he's at work... Stop acting like it is a 24/7 nonstop job because it's not.
The sad part is if he would just step up and be an equal partner the cycle WOULD stop. She would stop being so “critical” etc but it’s SO OFTEN only the woman who a)is even TRYING to fix things and b) the onus is almost always put on HER to fix the issue. But if she stops asking it’s not like he’s going to start magically doing those things. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.
The "nagging" is actually just direct and honest communication. At some point she got too exhausted to dance around his feelings and just started telling him what she needs. And his reaction to that tells her all she needs to know.
And one day she stops nagging because she stops caring. And he thinks cool. And then she ask for divorce and he complains....she just left me and I do not know why. 😂
Well, this is useless advice. Not only that but you’re telling her to stay in a toxic relationship. This is disgusting. You should not be giving this advice out.
This is what happens when both parents are stretched to the max. I have no idea how people raise children when they both work full time. Especially when they're in two of the most stressful positions in this particular day and age.
Who was it that didn’t want to stay home to take care of the kids and wanted to be equal to man or better yet strong and independent and now everyones trapped. Not that theres anything wrong with being strong and independent, but somebody's got to make a sacrifice for the children. And if its the men that takes care of the kids then hes useless cause hes jobless or the women will see themselves as better since she’s the one bringing the bacon home. But if its the women then she complains that he isn't making enough. So she goes to work and now she takes care of everything plus her job. and we end up trapped as the kids get thrown off to daycare if the grandparents aren’t around.
Yup. Something’s gotta give. There’s no one taking care of the hearth-and-home, warm, safe place to come home to. Two full-time high-pressure jobs in the household is a recipe for divorce.
@@garljr that can be fixed by the man communicating to a woman who is actually caring if he wants to be stay at home. Any combination of who stays home vs. who works how much is fine as long as the couple is in sync. daycare is a scam though
That I agree, but do you really think that’s the majority? Most people will take the easy way out for divorce. But yes, it can work, I just don’t think that’s the majority these days. I could be wrong though.
It's past time to have a conversation about why he reacts to her attempts to warmly greet his arrival with disgust and eye-rolling. It's like he hates her.
The best thing she can do is to start living her life for herself and to stop begging for help and affection. My husband and I went through this, and the only way he started turning towards me was by me stopping the begging, nagging, and asking and by acting as though I was living my life just for me without being vindictive towards my husband. Once he saw that I wasn’t going to sit around and beg anymore and nag, he knew he needed to make a change or he’d lose me.
Single dad here. For me personally, raising a kid isn't just easy, it's fun! I haven't had a tv in 10yrs and never had video games so we go hiking, kayaking, biking and other outdoor stuff. You know what's hard, being a day laborer.
@@DHFlip18 so are you a stay at home dad or a pick the kid up after school or day care/after school prpgram, has done the brunt of raising the kid for the day dad?😶
@@CrystalM1917 Nope, I work full time but unconventional schedule I suppose. I've had occasional help from my parents but rare, no tv means I have time to focus instead of being distracted. And yes, he's in middle school and I pick him up afterwards. I am the after school 😆
That's what I said. If she insists on working, they need to spend the money on buying time. A housekeeping service, a shopping service, send the laundry out. etc.
@@cloudedcolour5329 the alternative is somebody needs to cut hrs. The child who didn't ask to be in this situation needs to be raised loved and take care of. If she doesn't want to stay home that's fine and if he doesn't want to cut hrs then somebody's got to do something . Day care and after school programs can't raise a child....and cutting back on expenses will take care of the pay cut. Alot of ppl claim they can't afford for someone to stay home but that's bc they are spending money on stuff they don't need.
Man I'm disappointed in the advice he gave. Don't give this guy a pass because he's an officer. He's not devoted to his family which should come first. He doesn't get a pass for being a lazy husband, straight up.
I understand your dissatisfaction because it feels lopsided but he's not wrong. You can't change someone else no matter how much you wish it. But also I feel like John has a soft spot for LEO. It makes me wonder how it would go if the LEO component were taken away. I feel like WE would feel better about it had he said "love him through it but then if no changes happen then make some demand or pack your bags". Whatever, but at least somewhere to go if it fails or some coping strategies.
I feel for her. My ex checked out too and developed this mentality that OUR relationship would improve if only I changed. That was it for me-it takes 2 to fight for a marriage. If both aren’t willing to dig in, it’s over or you will live in a miserable existence like John described.
@@efandmk3382 Are you one of those woman-haters? I bet you wouldn't respond that way if a man had made the comment OP did. I always see so many woman haters in the comments nowadays, worse than feminists.
@@littleripper312 nothing in his or her comment was hateful. Maybe you need to stop projecting your own feelings. John's comments were on point that both partners are a part of the relationship. It's not good or bad, it is what it is. But just wishing the other person changes enough to fix the relationship is not part of any solution IMO.
@@auroramothergoddess yes but just like how Dave is a financial advisor and tells you about local people you can work with long term. We need something in place on the mental health end. You can call into the show for one time help but it won't fix your life forever.
Romantic love will not necessarily continue at the same intensity forever. Real life steps in. I would not make that strong a statement. We are only getting a snapshot from one perspective.
You just described my husband of 50 years. I killed myself, and now I'm angry that I gave my youth so HE could have it easier and he acted lile he deserved it, but he was SELFISH! Too late for me. You still have time.
She shouldn’t have to exhaust herself out for a man that won’t make any effort for the relationship. He won’t even kiss her 🥴 if he wants to be alone let him
Got out of a marriage like the a year and a half ago. Married almost 11 years. It only got worse and he became completely absent from me and the kids. Finally realized he didnt want a relationship and didnt care. No regrets leaving that nightmare.
@@ArmageddonIsHereother women have confirmed time and again that divorcing men who act useless as fathers and husband is so much better than staying with them
She'd be amazed at how much free time she'd have on her hands if she wasn't someone else's maid, cook and cleaning woman 24/7 (doormat essentially) Doesn't seem fair does it, her having to washing his dirty underwear for the rest of her life? I'd let it pile up in the bin...forever. Lol
Maintaining a home and raising children is a lot longer than a standard work day. About 15 hours a day for the home and raising children. When both parents are working which is every single two parent household as even if one is at home they’re still filling an essential role.. 5pm doesn’t end responsibilities for the day. That doesn’t mean people cannot relax but when there’s not a healthy balance one person could end up working 15 hours a day while the other is working 9 instead of everyone working together to have a happy life, clean space and healthy children. So mom comes home and continues her day into the evening and dad comes home and does his thing. It causes resentment and serious serious marriage issues.
Same thing happens if mom is a stay at home mom too. Man can’t check out then either. Everyone needs down time no matter what their “job” or where it is at. If one is doing all the housework and childcare with no break in sight, it will cause exhaustion and resentment as the other person sits and checks out. Parents need to take turn taking breaks!
Acting like a wife at home doesn't solve all issues if it's the guys fault. Stop pinning issues all on women. Sometimes it's the guy. Sometimes even when the wife is doing her part, he is selfish.
Don't have kids... your kids would have an absent father, and you wouldn't have a partner or any help. There's no point in having a spouse and still basically being a single parent
She’s pulling more weight than he is and she doesn’t have the capacity to respect him as a true provider protector. He has to pay the price to be the kind of man who deserves the type of treatment he’s desiring.
...it takes two willing people to make a marriage work. Being emotionally unavailable to your wife and family..that’s not a marriage. If he’s not willing to do the work.. leave
@@badass6300 she will invest much more in the child, than the child support he pays. and her good time of life will be spent on a child from a person she does not love. So I am against divorces generally, since the burden on women becomes more after it.
A wise therapist once said, “ When one person changes in the relationship, the other has no choice but to change as well.” One can’t use the same tactics on the other person who has changed. It makes your partner think differently and sometimes that’s enough to push things forward but not necessarily with the outcome that you wanted. Life isn’t about what I want it’s about what I need.
This makes me sad. My husband has childhood trauma, and a year and a half after our first child was born, he walked out on us. He said that he didn’t love me and he was planning on moving far away. I knew it was all rooted in his horrific childhood. I made the decision that was very unlike me, I chose patience and compassion. I had to love enough for both of us. He came back, got help, continues to get help, and we’ve had another child. It’s been five years since then, and our marriage has improved immensely. This woman’s husband, if I were to guess, isn’t a lazy jerk - but a deeply hurting man, afraid that if he opens up at all, it will *all* fall apart.
He didn't come back because of your patience and compassion. He came back because he wanted to came back. It was his own decision. Similarly, the husband in this story is choosing not to be a good husband and his wife can give all the compassion in the world and he can still decide to be a bad husband if that's what he decides to do. She doesn't need to change herself in the hopes that maybe he will get better. That's such terrible advice that people love to give to only women.
@@theoblongbox4909 Please specifically point out where I gave any advice to this woman? Specify where I said she needed to “change herself”? I gave my own personal experience only. But I see that you, an internet stranger, seemingly knows more about my husband and his decisions regarding our family then myself (as his wife) or my husband. This is how I know you are projecting... because you made determinations regarding my husband that you have no authority on. The difference with me is that I gave a personal anecdote, and specified that “If I were to *guess*....” regarding the caller and her husband. I wonder if you ever solve anything in your personal life with with lashing out in frustration towards others?
@@katiejon17 I was with you at first until this reply. Honestly, the truth is your husband came back because his mistress dumped him. He’ll never admit it and you’re living in denial.
Guarantee you he has always been this way. My husband and I both work. I thought my husband would change and I have accepted that he will never contribute to the chores like I do. I stopped doing his laundry and serving him dinner and he is a okay with it. His version of making dinner is buying takeout food and that’s okay with me!!! The moment I accepted that he was (kinda of) lazy I was happier. Marriage got better too. I joke with him and I tell him that I am saving for a retirement home when I’m old so someone will finally take care of me.
@@deborahmeek6529 there's some things that benefit everyone, but there's also things that only benefit him. Setting boundaries makes that clearer. If you stop doing things that only benefit him what's he going to do? It will reveal his character. Also at what age are you going to get your children to take responsibility for themselves? You're both setting an example to your kids about person responsibly. If he's not pulling his weight with the kids then you need to be pragmatic - start adding up those "15 hours" difference, & his parenting responsibilities, but also discuss your individual needs for "me time".
@@deborahmeek6529 we both work 40 hours and make almost the same in wages. Honestly what keeps me sane is that my kids pick up after themselves. My husband does yard work. I think toddlers really stress some people out because they need 24 hour attention. During those ages people really need to set boundaries and as they get older you have to give your kids chores to keep your sanity. I have a lot of days that I do things on my own and that is very important to me. Walk the neighborhood, go get coffee. I will take 2 hours off to just have coffee with a friend it is important to have boundaries just like Lynette said.
@@sonyadeantonio You make the same but do you contribute the same financially... Who is paying the majority of the bills? Is it your husband or is it 50/50.... If it is 50/50 than he is lazy at cleaning... That happens regardless of gender
It has nothing to do with his job, that’s just an excuse! Equal partnership starts from within not with a job title or the amount of money you make. They both have good jobs, very long hours, might need to hire help with cleaning.
My ex was like that. But he was on drugs too. Eventionaaly I couldn't even get a hug from him. He was completely useless, financially, emotionally and practically. Now I have been with a man who hugs, loves and works his ass off for his family. And is emotionally available. I feel like going to give him a foot massage now. We have been together over 10 years and we have three kids, two of them are from my ex and he takes care of them too and has basically raised them too.
This situation shouldn't be about the battle of the sexes but of loving your spouse enough to want to help them out by doing their fair share in the house work and the raising of their child. The fact that the caller is calling in for help tells me that she cares about her marriage and wants advice on how to make it better. She is tired, frustrated and just wants her husband to help out. I find it sad that some people, be it male or female think it's ok to let their spouse do everything. That's not love. I hope this couple can get the help they need especially for the sake of their child.
I agree with you for sure, it shouldn't be characterized as the battle of the sexes... that makes very little sense especially for a marriage that's a partnership, plus the wife is fighting for her marriage not against her husband.
100% agree because this is the situation I’m in. My husband is in the military and only comes home to play games. I’m pregnant with our 3rd child and he just doesn’t seem to care to even help with the kids. I feel like I’m going to be miserable like his mother is. She’s basically in the same situation so no wonder I am.
Exactly, it's about selfishness and laziness, and it makes me scared to get married and have kids, because what if he's a liar and irresponsible or selfish? But it does need positivity and bravery to face the unknown, while also trying our best to know the person before marriage
@@ah5589 If you want the truth, yes, yes I did. I absolutely noticed, even at a very young age. I yearned and craved for my father’s love and attention the majority of my years growing up. When I was very young, I knew there was a very big difference between the way my mother treated me and the way my father treated me, I knew I craved his love and attention, but at first I just assumed that was how all dads were. But then I started going to friend’s houses, and I discovered that wasn’t the case. It immediately slapped me in the face that everyone else’s dads cared about them, took interest in them, showed them through words and actions that he loved them, and were heavily involved in their life. It was hurtful and painful, still even now as a 29 year old, with my father no longer alive (and me having no contact with him for three years prior to his death). The wounds of knowing your parent never really loved you run deep. I didn’t really talk about it much as a child, and held a lot in. For me, it manifested itself into extreme (and often unhealthy) perfectionism. I think I thought on some level that if I was perfect enough, never got in trouble, always got straight A’s, and always did the right thing, that maybe he would care enough to notice me, but he never did. Granted, I think that path was probably better than going the opposite direction in order to try to get attention, but it still wasn’t healthy, and is something I still struggle with. BUT, the biggest thing that helped me, was my mother’s love and constant presence in my life. Because of her, I knew what genuine unconditional love from a parent truly looked like and felt like. Because of her, I had a safe person to turn to at all times, who I could trust wholeheartedly with anything. Because of her, there was ALWAYS someone on the sidelines cheering me on in life, even if my father wasn’t beside her. While nothing can truly replace the love of both a father and a mother, she tried her hardest to come as close to loving me enough for the both of them that she possibly could. I don’t know what I would have done or who I would have become without her. I thank God for her daily. She is still my very best friend, and always will be. What my father did to me in my life will always hurt, and I’m sure your kids feel that hurt as well. Neglect from a parent is extremely painful, and children, even young children who may not fully understand everything, feel that pain and recognize that absence. That’s just the reality of it. But what matters is that your children have at least one parent who is 100% present and active in their life. They NEED to learn and be shown that they are worthy of genuine unconditional love (as a VERB and not just as a word that gets spoken), and the biggest way we all learn that is through our parents as children. Be there for them. Be their number one. Be the one on the sidelines cheering them on. Be the one who supports them through the good and the bad. Be the one they feel comfortable turning to about anything, keep that line of communication open, and always answer their every question immediately with 100% honesty. If not, they will go searching in the wrong places for those answers. Be their safe place, and let them know that any emotion they have is ok, and that it is ok to openly express their emotions to you. And if you haven’t already, please seek out a counselor for them to talk to. You’ll never fully be able to replace their other parent, but you do have the capability to teach them the tools and provide them with the unconditional love necessary to grow up into healthy and happy adults. I wish you and your children the very best. May God bless you and provide you with strength and direction to be the best parent you can be! 🙏🏻💕🌻
This is why I am sooooo thankful to stay home with the kids because my husband makes (barely) enough so I don’t have to work. I handle everything at home and so when he gets home he doesn’t do anything. He deserves to come home to a stress free home. And I have nothing to nag him about because I handle everything around the house. I can’t imagine working and trying to be a mom and a homemaker. It sounds like an inevitable disaster unless you have a nanny and house cleaner.
I’m sorry. Don’t know if this would help at all... one practical thing I do. For me, asking in a gentle, neutral tone for him to do one small, well-defined task helps. “I’m busy making soup so we can eat before we have to leave. I also need to change the baby’s diaper right now. Could you please chop this onion for me?” Almost always my husband will take me up on it even if he initially didn’t want to. As he is chopping he will realize that I have a lot to do. It keeps us communicating and moving in a good direction.
This is how I do it too. My husband often scoffs about it like I'm the bad guy but he usually does it. I just hope it's not causing more strain thinking I'm nagging him. It feels like you just can't win
My wife and I both work full time and make a good living. We decided early on that we needed to outsource chores so that we could spend our time enjoying ourselves and our child. So we have someone who cleans and order takeout most nights.
I’m surprised at all the hate on the caller. One of my best friends had a useless husband too and she put up with it for years. Heck he didn’t always contribute a pay check. She did everything. By the time he realized she was done it was too late. He chipped away at her feelings for him and she divorced him. I watched it as I was friends with him too. It’s sad but I can see her side. If he won’t help she needs to hire Someone to help with housework whether he likes it or not. And he’s not willing to get help with the marriage, He will deserve it if she leaves him.
@@whitneyw.7919 he didn’t seem like that until they had kids together. He ended up getting back surgery and on disability for a while then his daughter from his first marriage came to live with them... and he really changed. He just kind of became a useless bum. Her money was theirs but his money was his rule of guy. He put everyone ahead of her and the girls. It’s sad I didn’t think he was like that before. We were like the 3 Musketeers I told him it was his Own fault when he moaned poor me poor me...
I completely agree. I thought of something funny though. Imagine if the man in this call also hires someone to hug and kiss his wife lol but yeah it's the effort that makes a family work.
I have known men like this, they broke their women doing this. They have to speak up instead of behaving so extremely passive agressive. She can't read his mind. No good word for this man.
This is my story almost exactly. 7 years later, 3 kids. Still doesn't do anything other than provide paycheck. We're now separated 7 months and he continues his pattern of covert narcissistic emotional and verbal abuse towards me and the kids. Set boundaries!
This is none of my business and therefore you have no obligation whatsoever to answer any of these questions. I do wonder though in these situations what was the relationship like prior to having kids or a full-time job?
@@maam-yj8ph He had the same job prior to marriage and kids, but he was never like this. In fact, he appeared to be responsible, did household chores, held a stable job, lied about the state of his finances, lied about his ambitions, lied about a lot of things. Quite the deceiver. It all changed when it couldn't be all about him anymore. When I was pregnant he started behaving more like a child and escaping physically and mentally, becoming verbally and emotionally abusive when deep conversations happened. Constantly plays the victim, tells me that even though I'm the one who handles finances, bills, children, everything in the home, doctors appointments etc, he deserves the "rest". Then it goes in a cycle. He improves because I'm hurt and upset, it gets better, stays calm for a time, then it's slowly creeps back again. Neverending.
All you had to say is he is law enforcement. Been there and done with that. My ex would say his life and stress was more than mine, no matter what. I did not deny his stress and the fact that he had access to mental help at work and didn't, I could not do anything right. I straight up told him what I needed from him, what needed to change, I was unhappy and I was calm and nice. I asked him what he needed and he sat there with a dumb look on his face. My issues came from "I don't know how to do x, y, z.." at home but could be in charge of other people's lives at work, everyday! I know he needed trauma help but he would not get it. I set boundaries about what I could listen to from his job, because of my own trauma. He then would say he brings home the paycheck and I should not complain. I know this is old but I hope she got away from him.
My Wife is Worthless, She Only Contributes With a Paycheck... My Wife puts her Mom 1st and me 2nd. 90% of the time I take care of our 5yo daughter too... I can feel her pain with reverse roles of course... Hugs are sparse as well. I'm a touchy-feeling person and my wife was at first, but now I feel like she won't touch me with a 10ft. pole... My Marriage feels like a "Bait & Switch". Even asked a few times over the years for us to go to Marriage Counseling. She gets mad, doesn't want to talk about it and then shuts down.
I am in the same exact spot with my husband. I also work full time. I wish I could come home and not have to worry about cooking dinner, making appointments, or cleaning the house. having to ask someone to do it is like being their mom and no one wants to have to do that either..but if you don't do it.. you and your kids pay the price
Exactly. If one person slacks in basic responsibilities, that mean the other spouse has to carry a heavier load because someone needs to get the job done either way.
Start going out more often.. when he comes home and you're not home often then he'll wake up... don't make yourself so available to your husband just because you're married... sometimes people take you for granted when they know they have a lot of access to you
@@TheQueenIsWithin YESSSS THISSSSSS. i had to learn this the hard way but sure asf works. U gotta keep some form of distance and a sense of self. Cant feel guilty for not doing everything all the time.
I'm in your boat. Do all the cleaning, yardwork, cooking, house maintenance... and my husband comes home and plays video games for 8 hours straight (15 hours on his days off). He comes from a borderline hoarders family, so he doesn't see ANYTHING as messy. Literal piles of rotting dishes is just fine in his book. It's very frustrating.
This sounds exactly like my more than 2 decade year marriage. He would never do counseling and always said things were all my fault and I had problems. My husband then had an affair and divorced me recently. get help now!
I married in. ‘78 and took on the role of trying to be a great wife cooking, cleaning working and now I pay most bills and care of the house, he has had 3 DUI’s and continues to hang at the bar and I am at 62 ready to run away! 😝
This is the classic irreconcilable differences divorce. Love just slowly deflates in action and in feeling until you have a flat tire and can't go forward anymore.
The wife seems a reasonable person who can calmly line up her needs. She also showed good communication skills. A husband who works in law enforcement is not a typical guy. If I were the wife I would start creating tables (sort of routine checks) with all that needs to be done, the time estimated and who does that. Then review that with the husband, sum up the results and see who does what
I don’t care what anyone else says, this man is checking out or he has already checked out. My husband works 13-14 hours per day, and he contributes more than a paycheck once he is home. I’m a stay at home wife and mother, so my job is overwhelming too.
I understand this one my husband was a Policeman, me an ER Nurse. He wanted me to do everything at home, including since we lived in remote communities no restaurants or Fast food, to prepare him meals while i was at work. He convinced me he couldnt mow the lawn because he was too allergic. He didnt have time to get off the couch to walk the dog. He did repairs on the home, but only if i handed him the tools. I could never do anything right. So i was grateful for his Father a higher ranking officer in the same force, newly retired, wouls drive to visit, saw me mowing and asked why? Told him. He said gee he had no allergies mowing MY lawn all his teen years. That dinner he brought it up that night at dinner, and gave his son a backhand across the shoulder, two giant men. F.I.L. roared how he hired home help for Mom who was a parttime Nurse. Son had forgotten that maid help. I left finally when he got an uneducated, never had a job gf, who got pregnant and would cook all the time for him. Me i was told i must work FT. So im sorry for this caller, not all of the strong silent types have a heart, many are narcissists.
What helps most in such situations is to take paid help for house work and child care...that would help the woman to be a bit relaxed and would get some time in her life to think and have some energy to plan further to deal with the crisis better...hope she has the budget to do it if not long time atleast temporarily...
Relationships are stupid I'm single, I live alone, childless and that's perfection. Relationships always turn into this thing where your job is to make the other person happy and it never works.
Sounds like you have poor choices in the relationships you have gotten yourself into. We all make those mistakes. And yes it’s much better to be single rather than being in a poor relationship. But having a good relationship is possible
Neither of them do have a warm place to come home to. It sounds like they're overextended between them and blaming each other. When I wound up in a similar situation we sat down and listed our priorities together and decided what came off the list in terms of work hours (i.e. part time work) or tasks (hiring outside help). This is a marriage problem, but it's also a practical problem.
Yes. It seems like there is just too much on their plate period. Two people working more than 40 hours a week plus trying to raise a kid is just more work than two people can reasonably do. If dad doesn’t ever want to do chores or take care of the kids then mom would have to be the one to cut back her hours. Plus healthcare has way more part time options than law enforcement. That being said, the fact that he won’t do any dishes or play with his own kid or even give her a kiss is heartbreaking.
GREAT ADVICE OF YOURS! Love from Above is needed also . Maturity, self- sacrifice, sense of humor. Takes a lot! Patience, hopefully a better season & hope ahead. I Corinthians 13 (THE LOVE CHAPTER) & counsel. Encouragement, joy, prayer...❤🙏
He wants to be first? I’m so sick and tired of these narcissists!!! He sounds childish. Law Enforcement! Of course ! For the fact that he doesn’t WANT to be involved or help out just shows how selfish he is. Rolls his eyes when she tries to kiss him? Or hug him? Asking for help and what you need is NOT being critical!!!
He's bottled up. He has issues. He needs therapy. You need to leave. I stayed too long. Nothing changed. I made it warm. And was patient. But he never changed till I stepped up and drew the line
Marriage is over and it's been over for a while. How are you married for 4yrs and more than half of it its been rocky? They either married to quickly (which is something that's prevalent in both military and police) or they saw how incompatible they were and STILL got married. Move on and find someone that's actually compatible.
My wife works harder and longer hours than I do. I have given up discussing plans or chores or assignments or nagging. I have the mindset and tell her "just tell me what to do and it done." Yet... I cannot do it as perfectly as she wants it to be done, or as quick as she wants it done... my way is not the way sooooo she says she will just do everything... I got loads of time to help, but im not allowed to, yet im not much help... I'm drained, tired. Emotionless when she tries to play mindgames. This call is close to home, but different.
It's nice that you want to do your part but why do you need her to tell you what to do? You're an adult. You live in the same house. Shouldn't you know what needs to be done? Especially since she works outside the home more, it makes sense for you to be more in charge of the running of the household and managing the chores.
why does she need to give you directions like you’re a child? you don’t have eyes? you can’t tell when things need to be cleaned up? stop making her your mommy
Why would anybody want to stay in this situation? The way she describes her existence is horribly depressing and bleak. Newsflash: He's never gonna change.
Sister of an LEO here, it's quite possible the husband's lack of affection is the outcome of unrecognized trauma caused by stuff he has seen on the job. I hope that if he has the chance to get councelling first he will be more open to couples therapy later.
Sorry, but no. If someone is rolling their eyes or acting annoyed when another person is trying to show them affection, that's straight up abusive. Call it out.
@Steven Steel יְהֹוָה husbands and wives should be intimate with each other. The fact that he won’t accept her affections isnt a simple problem. They need a counselor... oh wait... he’s refusing to see a counselor. Same with raising the child. These are serious problems and if he’s refusing to solve the problem, then he’s abandoned her and the child and that’s ground for divorce.
I wonder what she's doing on her part to change some of the stuff she's doing. She's saying go to a counselor but the first thing you have to do is look at yourself and say how are my actions affecting the marriage.
There is a fantastic book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs that talks about this. My wife and I both read this book and has completely changed our view on what husband's and wives want in a relationship. This completely changed our marriage.
I wonder if he was not a touchy feely man and not emotionally available when the wife married him. It seems this is impossible to overcome unless they are both motivated to do counseling. Either that, or he may need to decompress when he first gets home. Ask him what he needs to re-enter family life when he first comes home. Maybe he needs the first 20-30 minutes to himself to take a shower, lie down, whatever. I encourage the wife to take good care of herself. Best wishes.
@@lavadamorrison4569 they both need the same and they deserve it. It’s a question of creating a time and plan together so that both will get their needs met. I was just presenting one option out of many.
I have heard it takes being a friend to make a friend. She needs to sit him down and ask him about his needs, then address her needs- then develop a plan to meet in the middle.
Well, I think she has done that by going to a counselor and asking him to go. He said no. He is not interested in saving his marriage. You can't force people to do anything they don't want to do. He knows what she needs because she has told him, she tries to hug or kiss him, and she is rebuffed. She addressed it and he said I am not a touchy-feely person; He is being passive aggressive which is a form of abuse. If he is a narcissist, she might as well run for the hills. The next question she should ask him is does he want a divorce, and does he love her. Her next step would be dependent on what his answer is. If he says he loves her and wants the marriage to work, then she should demand he go to counselling with her or she will leave. The balls is in his court. He gets the choice. Boundaries need to be set in this relationship.
It is funny how he asked if the man was always the it's my way or the highway type. She exclaimed that he wasn't like that. Turns out he is exactly like that.
It’s not as easy as some of you think. Personalities play a huge role. My husband is also an 8 enneagram as she said. They are extremely strong willed and it’s their way or the highway. I couldn’t even remind my husband of things(when he consistently forgot) or he would take it as an insult/get so offended. 8’s want you to be direct but that’s very hard for me so he’s easily annoyed if I take too long to ask for help or explain something. He’s working on it but if he didn’t want to work on it, there would be no hope. 8’s hide their emotions, don’t like when others or themselves appear weak, and can just be downright mean. I know exactly how she feels.
Our society has become very anti family. America forces us to work to much all day and every day, by the end of the day we are stressed out, tired, and don't have enough time for ourselves or family. A lot of us work 40 or more hours just to barely make ends meet.
