Should I Leave My Husband or Stay for My Kids? 

“So, when did he start cheating on you?” Damn. He just said it.

A stay-at-home mom that's working, cooking, cleaning, studying, and doing all of this and yet it is still not enough!? Wow!!!

Hes cheating and trying to get her to leave first. Get her ducks in a row, save money, file for divoce.

If I got home from work, and someone was cooking me dinner and put it on the table for me, I would eat the food and be thankful.

Emotional neglect IS abuse. Fact. I’ve experienced it- pure torture

I got laid off so I was home. My then hubby started to belittle and ridicule me, being emotionally cruel. I thought it was because I couldn’t pull my own weight (no job no income) so he looked down on me. It turned put he was cheating with his coworker at that time. It was blame shifting. He said I was stupid because I was stupid not to see him cheating.

4 years sleeping in separate bedrooms! 😱 girl you only need to sign the papers because that marriage was over a long time ago

One, he's cheating on you. Two, emotional abuse is abuse. He's being abusive. Three, your marriage is over. It was over a long time ago. All that's left is to make it official. Four, you're showing your kids how to treat others and accept the treatment of others and this can set them up for a lifetime of failure. You're not doing right by them by staying together.

This is also a BIG factor in deciding to become a stay at home mom. The shift in power dynamics can be very problematic.

A man who is of weak character that he needs to cheat, and then has the audacity to hang around and criticize his wife to the point where she cant take it, IS NOT A MAN in my opinion

He’s a coward that wants out and is pushing her to do it. My ex husband (10 yes married) did that to me…best thing he ever did for me. I’m celebrating my 20 year wedding anniversary with the love of my life! 👍🥰

Upon hearing her rattle the list off, I’m like nooo get out, it’s over!

Emotional neglect is evil and abuse. Thank You for this !

If Jessica is reading this comment I hope her business prospers and become extremely wealthy, take the kids away raise them so well, and she makes a big change in her life looking better than she ever did !

Her husband is emotionally, sexually, and physically neglecting her. He's financially and emotionally abusing her. This man is a coward and she is so in love with her family she can't accept it. I've been there. I had to file and he wasn't ever willing to take responsibility for his side of our relationship. Worst pain ever but when you move on with someone else, you'll be so much happier.

She sounds beyond done, she sounds like she's laughing at her life choices in order to not lose her mind. I feel bad for her for sure. Sending prayers to this woman.

News Flash, that abuse! It's called Narcissist Abuse!

She hasn't filed because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy, and based on her husband's behavior, it sounds like he's really good at making her look like a villain. And her filing for divorce would make her look worse to those people. She knows that he's been controlling the narrative and she wants all the validation in the world right now to be able to pierce through his narrative. I think this podcast episode will help her case tremendously.

Listening to her list of issues................I'd hire a divorce attorney, pack up the kids and get out of there. What she has is NOT a marriage. So sad. Great advice, John. It's time to fish or cut bait, Jessica! You can do this!

Verbal abuse, gaslighting, indifference, what more do you want before you can leave. Yes that IS abuse. You already know what to do!

You are being emotionally abused. Divorce.

This woman sounds like a relative of mine. Her husband cheated the entire marriage, and told her he does not want her… and she is still hanging around as his doormat “fake” wife… Very sad situation indeed.

Poor lady. It's amazing how hard she's holding on and trying. It's amazing how many valid reasons she has to divorce when others just divorce for petty ones.

It sounds like my story. 25 years later my kids are grown up and I wish I would have left my husband 25 years ago. He does not cheat, drink, abuses me but he can’t start a conversation without “you don’t do” I have to be very carful with what I say or do without his judgment or screaming. It’s miserable when you stay in a toxic relationship. It is very hard, my husband won’t leave either. I understand you so much. I hope you have more courage than me. The longer you stay the harder it is.

Neglect is abuse, that's not just his opinion it's one of the most damaging types of abuse.

Husband is resentful and disdainful. I'm sure he feels stuck being married and having kids. He hates having to support them and wishes a life without these restrictions.

Life really isn’t fair Dude got what most men (ME) seek n’ want and he’s treating her this way.

Man, this caller makes me feel so bad for women who aren't in loving marriages/relationships. I am a blessed lady with such a loving husband and wish all had that. ♥️ Depression is real. But, what people fail to realize is that you/they have a choice whether they want to seek help or not. It's selfish to refuse to get help. It's a choice to want to get better or wallow in it! There is help!

There are lots of relationships, just like this one, out there. Partner 1 is checked all the way out. Waiting for the other to leave. Partner 2 is scared to leave because it's a life change and could adversely affect their lifestyle. 2 income household is better than 1. Nobody want to be broke.

....so, "when did he start to cheat on you?" No doubt about that

She literally has no idea what to frikkin do. People in abusive relationships feel stuck. This is a different kind of abuse but still abuse.

The whole thing does sound like he's cheating and simply doesn't love her. OR HE'S HIDING SOMETHING ELSE

After 4 years of that treatment, how can you love him?

He's had somebody on the side for a couple of years and he's trying to make it uncomfortable enough for you so you choose to leave without him having to leave you. She should go ahead and do him the favor.

Her reaction to John asking if she really did steal the husband's money was great

Lol He accused her of stealing money from him when she was just paying the bills 😂🤦🏽‍♀️ I didn't think that was going to make me laugh this hard

She’s doing what she loves by being a stay at home mom. I’m sure it’s probably the main reason she’s struggling with making the decision to divorce.

Wow, this call hit home. Years ago, I remember seeing my dad act very similarly to this woman's husband - making all sorts of disparaging remarks about my mom, picking fights about ridiculous things, coming home late all the time, and constantly insisting that he *could* cheat if he really wanted to (plot twist: he did 🙃). He was absolutely miserable to be around and my siblings and I were often triangulated into the mess or just ignored completely. My parents chose to stay together more for us kids and religious obligation than anything else. I don't think it was worth it, but that was their decision to make, not mine. I hope that Jessica was able to have a conversation with her husband about the state of their relationship and determine the best path forward. Wishing her all the best 💙

I would had filed for divorce YESTERDAY! He has checked OUT and wants her to be the one to say I'm out. People, you don't need to hear your 'mate' say the actual words...ACTIONS speak so much louder than words and you can't save a relationship by yourself . Divorce can be the BEST thing for not just two people but an entire family. Good luck!!

You don't love him, you love the idea of what he used to be. The one we marry is not the one we end up with. If they were we wouldn't marry them in the first place. Run, Girl, RUN!

Stonewalling is abuse. He is abusing her.

There are people in the comments actually worried about the husbands side here... I wonder if thats what they'd say to their daughter if she came telling them her husband is treating her that way

You need to RUN! He will never change.

Sounds like a guy who moved somewhere and either physically cheated or mentally cheated. Or at BARE MINIMUM, he saw how life was like as single without kids living with him 24/7. And now he has a distain for her when she gets there with the kids and blames his new unhappiness on her. Especially because she’s not at a job that looks like what she had before.

RUN LADY RUN...I stayed for my kids sake about 10 years longer then I should have 7years have passed and his voice still plays on loop in my head listing ALL my short commings everything being my fault the infact even breathing was incorrect so I WORKED HARD but nothing EVER was meeting his standards I realized he was always moving the goal posts to KEEP ME IN MY PLACE. To others he was just PERFECT I never told anyone what was going on behind closed doors. Your kids ARE aware what a stomach churning walk on eggshells time it is when Dads car pulls up after work and his mood sets the tone. They will grip the 2 home family fast don't talk badly of their Father and give them a home of love peace and a safe haven so when they close the front door they feel safe.

This poor woman💔 this one hit me really hard. My mom went through this with my dad. Please don't say "I don't want to leave because of the kids". YOUR KIDS WILL BE FINE I PROMISE! Like you, they don't want to live in dysfunction either and this will affect their mental. Please do not stay for the kids. Kids know and it can lead your kids to resent you later on for not leaving. Ladies, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! There is something better on the other side than what you are dealing with now. There is someone else out there who is 1000 times better! The longer you stay, the harder it is and the more he'll keep putting you through.

Hun please leave, I did after 10 years. The best decision I ever made. My kids are fine, kids hearts get strong they adapt. My kids don’t remember me even being married. If they did, hearts heal. I am proof of that 🥰🤗

Her husband is pushing her out the door. Men do not like confrontation. They don't admit they checked out, they start saving up money, and they start treating their spouse like crap. If you walk out the door then that is your choice and you are the one to be blamed for the breakup. They do not take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. Not all men but I have met a whole lot of them.

Jessica actually sounds like a cool person. Her husband sounds depressed.

Yeah dump him and move on. He even TOLD you to leave. You'll figure out the kid situation. You're not helping them in this situation by staying. They are are picking up on ALL of it.

He's completely checked out. Doesn't like anything she does and not interested in being a dad. Sad. When you get married you never think it will come to that.

If "I have to laugh to keep from crying was a person." Hopefully, she figures out her next move sooner rather than later.

I think she is afraid of hurting the kids, but I also think...deep down....she still loves him.

She needs a tile tracker on him. When husbands go to such attacks and reverse antagonistic behavior they either are looking to go elsewhere or have. She better also keep records of her daily activities because it will matter in court. She needs to know abandonment laws in her state. He doesn’t want a divorce because he’s up on child support, spousal support, and will be made by court to spend more time with his children which cuts into freedom to do what he’s up to.

Maybe she should hire a P.I. If he is having an affair and she has the evidence, this might give her leverage in a divorce. Staying in an abusive marriage is teaching the kids that it's acceptable.

He sounds verbally abusive.He sounds nothing like the type of partner she wants.

I wonder if situations like this are why people keep saying something like 80% of marriages are filed by women. Marriage has always been a two-person deal.

Leave your husband for your kids.

I wish this lady well. I hope she finds someone who is insanely in love with her. She deserves only the best. ❤️

I wish John would stop his whole “I’m just a podcaster” talk. He’s got the credentials and talent to help people. If he keeps saying that, people might actually start to believe him and stop calling for advice.

How does one steel money from their spouse who they share the money with???

Spot on about neglect, Dr. John 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Verbal abuse is abuse.

About the part that he told her to leave... No! He can leave, that's the home that they share with their children so if he wants out he should leave.

She is a KIND woman! He should be so lucky

He sounds like a narcissistic person who wants her to feel inadequate....she needs to RUN 🏃‍♀️

This is painful to listen. It seems like the guy has checked out. She is a married woman, living single. She does everything for the kids and go to holidays event by herself. Please don’t stay around thinking you want your kids to have their dad, you are damaging them witnessing you getting abused mentally. This is not marriage. I feel for you. Cyber hug and good luck to you. We are all rooting for you.

My husband hasn’t slept with me in 4 years and is always looking for an argument. He keeps moving us into terrible living situations. He keeps asking me if I want a divorce. I feel like he wants to be with someone else but he wants me to ask for the divorce.

You guys should add links to the conversations from when they call back in the bio as well

He’s opted out of the relationship/dad role. He’s not happy with his life and he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. He makes the same mistake most guys make and is forcing himself to stay because being single iS sCarY AnD sUcKs.

You need to leave for the kids! He is mean and beating you down! If my husband spoke like that to me I would have been gone already! You sound like a smart confident woman and I want it to stay that way!

She mentioned a move, yes? My gut tells me there was a paramour in the previous location that was basically bandaging their relationship together, now the mistress is gone & he’s miserable & can’t deal… am I alone in thinking that?

Yep. She should go and get it over with. He is a weasel, and won't do it himself because then he can say SHE left the marriage, and blame it on her. He's doing everything he can think of to get her to be the one to bail. He is already living a separate life and is a coward.

Man….this was a like an uppercut to the gut for me to listen to, especially when my own reality set in. I hope she finds happiness bc just from her laugh she sounds like she just wants to be loved. Love does f’ing hurt.

Jessica is willing to sacrifice herself for her marriage and kids. So, not fair to her. She deserves better.

The fact that she wasn’t considering the experience at home abusive is really sad, what a cruel man. She knows deep down it was never really about her and what she could or couldn’t do.

Heartbreaking. And how ungrateful he was! This is why I'm such an advocate for singles going to therapy prior to marriage. Work those childhood traumas out before you invite someone else into your mess! When she decided to stay at home that triggered something in him.... instead of having a hard and transparent conversation like an adult, he shut down and began throwing a temper tantrum. She sounds like such a great mom and fun person. But you could never tell and everyone has baggage. Man... this was hard to listen to. I pray they stay together and get the help they need. Dr. John you're so intuitive, always learn so much from your advice.

Sounds like he is a Narcissist....I'm so sorry 😞♥️🙏🏻 The goal post will continue to be moved....nothing will be good enough. Not looking at you/talking to you is emotional neglect. No intimacy is physical and emotional neglect. You sound like an amazingly strong woman ♥️💕

He abuses you on the daily

Dr. Delony, you’re not “a dumb podcaster”!!! You’re awesome!!!

Woah, people need to learn the definition of abuse. Omg!! That's is abuse.

The Dave Ramsey in John came out on this one! 😂

Never stay "for your kids." The only stability a kid needs is their friends and school. Your kids are being impacted by how your husband treats you as well. It's not an environment that is safe for them. Emotional abuse is abuse. You and your kids need the freedom that you can't have when you're married to a troll. Hire a good lawyer. Your lawyer doesn't talk to your husband. Your lawyer is your advisor and advocate. The only time your husband sees your lawyer is in court. The only time they communicate is when there is a legal document to sign and send to the court. Only communicate with your husband in writing in emails and text messages. If you're not sure how to respond, call your lawyer and ask before sending a response. Find a place to stay, plan on 50/50 custody. You can't force someone else to leave. Get a lawyer's advice before changing your living arrangement unless there is physical abuse in which case, the cops would remove him.

When a woman laughs like that, nervously, self-ironically, it is because the situation is so unbelievably absurd to her. Nothing makes sense. If he doesn't even like her anymore, why doesn't he divorce her? If she is willing to partner with him for the sake of the kids, but he doesn't want to do that, why doesn't he say so? Or if he can't talk because he is such a helpless man except for contempt when he has words enough, why doesn't he just move out and leave a note: "it is over!". If he doesn't care about what he does to the kids with his behavior at home, why doesn't he just break up? If he is so bossy and "know it all", why doesn't he arrange the things that need to be arranged in a situation like this, instead of criticizing her. He thinks she should be able to fix everything about their family - precisely the person whom he thinks nothing of. She in reality can't take in what a miserable little immature coward he is, who cannot stand for anything he does or is. Let me take a probable guess: he married to have a wife to pamper him and take care of all his needs and desires. He wanted kids to make her chained to him and make him look good. He took a lover when his wife became too burned by finances, household, job, him, and kids, and wanted him to do his share. He was too lazy to step up, so he projects laziness upon her. He got dependent on the lover - after some time even the most patient lover wasn't pleased with her always having to hide and be the other woman, who got promises and words, but was carefully hidden away, she got tired of all the secrecy "for his wife's and kids' sake", and being always lonely on Xmas, etc. She gave him an ultimatum, and when he remained undecided, she understood his caliber and stopped seeing him, she maybe moved beyond his reach or found a better man. He lost her and misses her, his vanity took a blow, he misses the comforts, the false feeling of being alive because the secrecy made something tickle within. Now his life feels empty and a mess. His wife doesn't "clean well enough", he concludes. But he is in debt for all the extravaganca which comes with trying to own two women and cover it up - he projects theft onto his wife. All this false play would emerge in a divorce settlement. He can't hide, he feels trapped and the wife must be punished for it. Now that the husband finds that he has neither, not wife nor lover nor decent friends, he is scared, he is all alone, he has nobody to fix his life. He screwed everything up. He is depressed and desperate. And dishonest. And toxic. And he is clearly not the man she married, the man he posed as, but he looks the same, but she made a sacred promise to stay by him, come what may, and he stays for some reason she can't figure out, because she can't think so badly about him, and he will not admit how crappy he is. He wants to stay a level above her, at least. And the truth is not to be revealed. So the wife has to take the full blame, that is his way to escape the verdict of all family and friends. She has to be the one to break up and take the kids and move, so that he can spin a self-righteous story around it. He already started the spin: with accusing her of being a lazy, bad mom who lives in luxury and leasure off his money but does nothing valueable... Neither husband nor wife understand that nobody is going to believe that story, the others have seen and realized so much more. They will wonder why she stayed for so long, and they will warn the next partner he presents. And the kids will know, too.

We need updates on these stories 😁

Girl! You sound like amazing women.. You deserve better!!!! You will find someone that will love you.

Ooh dear...my ex husband did exactly the same. He was resentful, secretive, looked at me with contempt etc. He had been cheating for yrs...i asked him, he said no. Repeatedly denied it. We drifted another 5 years. I prayed for strength to leave him. Then out of the blue he left. ❤ This caller is withering on the vine.

If you're out there, Jessica, I'm also in SA and also have been through this. I'd love to have a friend who can relate to my situation. I hope things are going as well as they can a year later!

John: I'm never gonna tell something to get divorce. Also John: Spends half the video convincing her to get a divorce.

I know this might be controversial but I cannot even fathom putting my eggs in one financial basket. I cannot rely on my husband and be a SAHM. Just can't do it. This lady's story is my nightmare brought to life. I can't even imagine how much of a leash he has her on. Don't get me wrong, my spouse is a great person and will not make me feel any kind of way. However, something in me rebels against this. Cannot, will not.

Sometimes the hardest parts of our lives are when we're needing to make decisions from a position we didn't choose. It sounds so easy to leave but sometimes it really isn't.

He is resentful about her being a stay at home mom. Some men have a negative perception of women being at home moms. I went through something similar but with God and counseling he now appreciates me being at home

Your caller needs to buy herself a copy of Patricia Allen’s books the Verbally Abusive Relationship and The Verbally Abusive Man. The wisdom in these books will help her make a clear decision about her future.

It sounds to me like he felt - once she stayed at home and wasnt contributing fnancially - that he was the sole provider and under high pressure to be so - hence the mooch part - and was/is resentful of that, even though now she does other stuff like the business and school. Once resentment is there, it's hard to remove as he still sees her that way. It sounds like he dislikes her and is done. The family, to him, are now things that - rather than something to be enjoyed - are just drains on his resources. Thats what comes across to me. He's finished.

WHAT? She should file first!!!!!!!!!! Always file first???? (Coming from a person of divorced parents) During this journey I heard filing first is so important

He won't admit to cheating bc that can be used against him in the divorce

Wow. It never crossed my mind that he was cheating on her. When Dr. Delony asked, I had to do a double-take. I’m so nieve.

Omg. This was me. I needed to hear this. 😭

He is doing everything he can to make her file for divorce. Perhaps because it makes him look less like the bad guy for the affair or affairs he's been having for what sounds like years. This lady has a great sense of humour, I love it! Hopefully she will focus on herself, build her business, and move out on her own when ready. As for the theft accusation - general rule is that when one person makes a baseless accusation, that the accuser is the one doing it. He probably wants to cover up the money spent on the mistresses.

“My husband thinks I’m lazy and a gold digger” John: how long he’s been cheating? What?